slave's days

Underestimating our Doms

2012-01-29T11:39:00.001-06:00

I do it far more often than I like to think.

From what I read, I am not alone in this.

Yes, we do tend to put our Doms on a pedestal. We tend to want to believe that they walk on water. We *need* for them to be as close to perfect as we think we are far away from perfect. We need for them to be everything we think we are not.

Because we have chosen to live in a particular way, within specified relationship roles and guidelines, we are indeed free to express who we are to the fullest extent possible. And that is absolutely the most wonderful, fulfilling, feeling I have ever felt in my life outside childbirth.

But there are times when I think we forget the rest of the picture. We forget that we, even when we are living our submission to the fullest extent possible, are only half of the equation and that no relationship of any sort is achievable when it is out of balance. Oh yes, it is easy to remember that our Doms are just as Dominant as we are submissive. But what about the rest?

We tend to worry a lot about how they will react if we are less than perfect in our submission. If we fail to maintain their standards we wonder if they will lose interest, and leave.

My how we underestimate our Doms.

I learned this particular lesson during the summer I was working full time at a physically demanding job with crazy hours and little pay, while going to grad school full time. It was challenging to say the least and for lots and lots of reasons, and y'all know how worried I was about Padrone's pleasure, satisfaction, happiness. I worried that he would find someone else to scene with (believe it or not I would have been alright with that if it weren't for the fact that our own relationship started in much the same circumstances), and more upsetting - I worried that he would be enticed by someone who was more available than I was (and am).

I do cringe when I remember just how worried I was that summer. Yes, it was about me and my own insecurities. But it was also about Padrone and how I really didn't think about how little faith I was showing in him. He is such a wonderful man, and so wonderful to *me*. And I have commented, typed, before about his commitment to me and our relationship. But somehow that was lost in the shuffle at that time.

I am not alone in that line of thought.

Why is it that the men we hold in such high esteem, we tend to attribute some pretty ugly qualities whenever we don't meet some arbitrary standards? I mean, yes, I do understand that they have high standards for us in terms of behavior and such. But we have even higher standards for ourselves. And honestly, I believe that tends to leave us totally inflexible in a lot of ways. That inflexibility about our own standards of behavior can create inflexible expectations for both ourselves as well as our Dominants.

The simplistic view is that if we don't behave within a specific set of behaviors that not only have we failed, but that our Doms see us as failures. When we believe that we are seen as failures what happens? Usually we tend to do whatever we can to "fix" things. In other words, we take control over ourselves. Why? Do we really not believe that our Doms can control us when we are less than perfect?

Much has been written about submission not being meaningful if it is easy. I believe that thought is often translated into "submission is *only* meaningful if it is *not* easy", which is not necessarily true. Both subs and Doms often see the more difficult aspects of submission as the most meaningful, and forget about the day-to-day things done to serve, please, and obey that are not always difficult or which become less difficult over time.

We think, many times, that it is our responsibility to keep our Dominants from having any kind of difficulties in the relationship.

We underestimate them.

Maybe, just maybe, it is when Dominance is more difficult that is just as meaningful as when submission is difficult. Maybe Doms should be stretched in ways equal to the way we want to stretch our submission. Maybe being a Dom is difficult in ways that we may not think of, but the ways we *do* think make it difficult .... really aren't that difficult .... maybe it is mostly because the things *we* think are difficult are merely things we would *find* difficult if we were the big D.

Maybe there's a reason we aren't Dominant. Maybe, just maybe, our own strengths lie in different directions and allow us to be who we are and let them be who they are. (Not necessarily who we think they are or should be or react how we would)

When we take such a heavy responsibility for our relationships it is as if we believe that they have no responsibility for anything other than giving us the control we need to be fulfilled as a person. We lose sight of the fact that they are equal partners in our relationships, bearing equal responsibility for their success.

We underestimate them.

Believe it or not, they really *are* as great as we think they are. They are just as strong as we give them credit for being. Even in the BAD times. Even when we *aren't* as great as we think we should be. Even in the crazy times. As Padrone tells me, and sometimes I literally have to remind myself of that in the few times when he gets upset with me....He isn't made of glass. Getting upset now and then won't hurt him, much less break him!

Neither would running a dishwasher or having to masturbate when I can't be available. I even plan to teach him how to use a washer, but don't tell him I said that! But the problem we have is that we submissives think that our "job" in terms of keeping our Dominants happy, is meeting every freaking need they may possibly have and if they have to ask us for something, we've somehow failed.

Maybe our failure is in not understanding that these men are strong, capable men and that their universal expectation of us is that we do our best, given our circumstances. They are flexible enough to understand that life happens, circumstances change, and they are pretty darn good about changing their behavioral expectations of us based on those things. (One more admirable trait that we forget about when we take them off the pedestal and replace them with our own behaviors.) Yes, I do believe that part of underestimating our Doms is that we hold our own submission up as what makes the relationship work (or create problems, as the case may be). I do not believe that is true any more than I believe that one person can see-saw alone!

Padrone, I offer my sincere apology for underestimating you. I have no excuse other than the fact that I did not realize just how much control I was retaining by assuming such a heavy burden of responsibility for the health of our relationship. While I comment on, and deeply admire, your commitment to me and to us....somehow I still wanted...want?...to prevent any weakening of that commitment. Guess what? It's not going anywhere. And even if it did...it would not be *my* responsibility for it happening.

If I truly believe in you...that you are the person I think you are....then my responsibility is to let go of the idea that your happiness is based on what I do or don't do. I have to accept that you are happy with me because of who I am, rather than what I do. Yes, I have talked about this before, but never in terms of how that attempt to retain absolute control over the health of our relationship underestimates you as it does. God...Padrone, I am so, so sorry.

Thank you, my Padrone, for being who you are. Thank you for letting me grow and learn and change to become the best person I can be, and the best slave for you. I am yours...through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Totally and irrevocably yours.

My Power, My Pleasure, My Pain

2012-01-22T16:52:00.000-06:00

There are so many thoughts running through my brain, and none of them seem very well formed, so this particular blog post may make absolutely no sense at all. But it is what it is, whatever that may be!

First, I am very much enjoying my semester so far. The changed assignment has been so very different than the other situation was, and I thoroughly enjoy going to work again now. I am very grateful for the change!

My school started back last week, and until the first full week of March I will have two classes per week, so it will be interesting but good. I'll be busy of course. I am going to get some help with one of my assignments from the teachers on my new hall, since they are very much the type of people who will help me out like that. I love it, I really love it, y'all.

But on to what is strongly on my mind....

I have seen so much discussion lately about the relative ease or difficulty of submission. I have read blog posts written by women who seem to constantly struggle to be pleasing and respectful, and I have read blog posts by those who would have us believe that their submission is the pinnacle that we should all strive towards.

And it just seems to me that so many people aren't in this lifestyle to be who they are, to fulfill their lives by being freed to express their very core as fully as possible. I understand that the level of Dominance and submission in each person's makeup is different. I understand these things are relative and extremely individual. But I have stopped reading many blogs because of these very reasons.

I know it doesn't matter ... my blog reading habits that is. But I just wish I could say...just be yourself, be happy in what you do. If that isn't possible, then rethink it. The whole purpose for any relationship, and the dynamics within it, is to make the participants happy. If there is more strife than peace, then something isn't working. I am also not talking situationally, but rather generally, of course.

I think this type of relationship has become more popular in recent years, to the extent that many people are trying to live a fantasy that is being perpetuated faster than those who would try to present a realistic view of how we live D/s can overcome. It seems that our voices are becoming like cries in the wilderness. We are being dismissed as "downers" while the glowing accounts of the perfect life of D/s are perpetuated as gospel. I understand the appeal. What I find disturbing is the effects on so many people when the unrealistic expectations of D/s as the ultimate problem-solving dynamic fails. Instead of people looking at their expectations as being unrealistic, they tend to judge themselves, and that is ...destructive. I know this, as some of you know, from personal experience.

I do, at times, still struggle with the idea of perfection in my submission. And you know, I think Padrone has created a situation in our relationship that allows me to be as "perfect" in my submission as I can be. His expectations are things that are not unrealistic, although they do require diligence on my part to perform. But frankly, if I were expected to stifle my sassy attitude, or my analytical nature, or even my questioning him at times, then both of us know that neither of us would be happy in this relationship. You know...if Padrone doesn't like who I am, then he would not be happy anyway. And if I didn't care enough about Padrone to speak to him with respect, then I would not be happy either.

I have said for years that this type of relationship is not a power exchange...it is an exchange of authority and responsibility. It is a defining of roles, with expectations of behavior on both sides of the / defined within those roles. It is a definite and outward show of respect on the part of the submissive partner, and a constant attitude of respect on the part of the Dominant.

But Padrone is no more powerful in this relationship than I am. He has the control and the authority and the responsibility yes. But his *power* is only equal to my own. He cannot control me any more powerfully than I submit. The little ways that I show my submission are often very powerful in and of themselves, in that they increase his own feeling of power over me. That is why Padrone loves the spontaneous, unsolicited, shows of submission as much as the formality that is inherent in our communication. And you know what? we can feel just as Dominant or submissive as we want to, but without the consensual expression of it, it means absolutely nothing.

I think what I am trying to say is that we are nothing without each other. We are so much in love, and so very appreciative of each other, that showing it is natural and so very fulfilling. But it is only because Padarone has been amazingly patient and caring and concerned with making it work. Rules, punishments, expectations, corrections, discipline, use...everything has changed and grown as we have changed and grown. Our circumstances change, as everyone's do, and Padrone sees that far better and much sooner than I do. He is flexible and adaptable, which means that our relationship grows and changes in wonderful and positive ways. What *doesn't* change, however, is who we are and they fact that we express it in ways that we both need in our lives.This song, by Seal, has a line that caught my attention on the way home from work the other day. I just like it, and thought I would share:

Thankfulness and Gratitude

2011-12-27T11:43:00.001-06:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and that even though life begins to return to normal this week, with just a New Year's bump in the way, everyone can keep a bit of the wonder of Christmas in their hearts for as long as possible.

I've been thinking about something lately that I am not totally sure I can articulate clearly but I am going to try. I often talk about how grateful I am ... and how I have noticed a strong "attitude of gratitude" in my life in the past couple of years that has grown until it couldn't be ignored any longer.

But that is just what it is - gratitude. It is far more than simple thankfulness. For me, being thankful is more...specific to a situation or circumstance, than is gratitude. I am very thankful for many, many things in my life. I am thankful for specific things, for situations, for people, for circumstances. And maybe it is due to this feeling of thankfulness that contributes so strongly to the gratitude that overflows so strongly at times.

I read recently that gratitude is happiness combined with awe. That simple statement really hit home with me. I often talk here about being happy, and I am incredibly happy. I mean, incredibly happy. I have struggled to describe that feeling, at least until I read that particular statement. Now I can say that my happiness is mixed with a very strong feeling of awe.

I am awestruck by my life. I am truly amazed by where I am now, by who I am, by the path that has gotten me to this place. I have waited so long, been through so much, to reach the career goal that had seemed so elusive my entire life.

But the most important, least obvious, change has been within (as it usually is when people go through major changes). I am still working on things, of course, but where I am now compared with where I was even when Padrone and I met ... well, let's just say those places are worlds apart. I am very thankful for that. But I am also incredibly grateful.

I'm struggling with how to express what I am trying to say.

I have grown exponentially as a woman in the past few years. It had actually begun before I met Padrone, but it has steamrolled since meeting him. Yes, he has played the most vital role in that change, but it is because of his unconditional acceptance of me as I am. He has revealed to me part of how he sees me, and the gradual (and maybe unintentional) way in which he did it convinced me of his sincerity. He wasn't just blowing smoke, as many others had done before him.

You know, that is probably the *most* important pillar in the foundation of our relationship, and just as importantly in my own personal growth. See, it has grown and changed, morphed from simply being his opinion to my own belief in myself. I don't know when or how the shift happened, I just know that it has.

Of course, I still have areas to work on in terms of insecurities and confidence. I find myself at work, for instance, unconsciously exhibiting some major insecurities, even though I honestly didn't realize I was doing it until someone mentioned it to me. I feel as if I have had so much thrown at me without much direction that my feelings of insecurity were natural. I think that most people would have felt that way in the same circumstances, but that could also be a major justification for my own feelings. I do know that I fear making mistakes at work. I think a lot of it is due to my work history - there was always the threat of losing a job if too many mistakes were made. I am finding that with teaching, at this particular district at least, is not that way. It is a difficult concept for me - that they are flexible and accepting even with mistakes. They would rather have stability than hire new teachers constantly. Now I realize why people complain about teachers - lol.

I am very thankful for the job. I am thankful that I was given a chance to prove myself. I am thankful for the time off I have had. I am thankful for small things, for big things.

But I am grateful for the way my life is in general. I am happy with a sense of awe at .... everything... who I am turning into, what is going on in my life, and the potential that has been unlocked for my future. Just...so very, very grateful.

Padrone, I know that you always say that it is me who is doing the "work" involved in all of these changes. And at times it is so overwhelming - so many changes all at once can really be too much to handle sometimes. I have tried to explain the effect you have had on me during this time of growth and change, and I can only hope that you understand that I truly could never have done all of this without you.

Padrone, I know that who I am is not what is going on in my life. It is just that I am so happy, so filled with awe that so many good things are finally happening .... and even more awestruck that I am not fighting the idea that I actually deserve them. I have worked hard, very hard, and am continuing to do so as you know, to bring about a lot of the changes that are happening. But that they are actually happening is filling my heart, my mind, and my entire life, with gratitude that overflows and affects every tiny little aspect of my life.

Thank you, Padrone, for doing more than just allowing me to do things. Thank you for encouraging, supporting, pushing, setting priorities, and loving me...it all boils down to the love. Padrone, I am deeply, unabashedly, grateful for the freedom to grow into who I am that will always be a part of our relationship because it is simply who you are. I may have changed and grown without you in my life, but I can guarantee that I would not have changed so much or come so far, without you. I am yours. So very, very yours. And inexpressibly grateful to be so.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

2011-12-19T16:27:00.000-06:00

And feel like it too! I'm not talking about the weather, or even the tree that is twinkling at me as if it has a big secret it is keeping from me! I have a major case of Christmas Spirit, right down to the ringtone on my phone, which is set as Sleigh Ride by the band Relient K! Every time I hear it I remember going to see them in concert with my daughter, and it brings back a lot of very good memories.

I just received notice that my last two classes ended in As, just like all I have taken since I began taking classes. I plan to take two classes in the Spring - one is a half-semester course, for 8 weeks only, and the other is a full semester course. The half-semester course is the same one that I ended up dropping in the fall, so I already have the books, the syllabus, and a bit of familiarity with the teacher, so that helps. I hope to be able to go ahead and get some of the assignments done, and maybe one of the "biggies" started, before the course begins. It won't start until at least the middle of January so I do hope to be able to get a jump start on it.

But I am not sure if I will be able to or not. At work I have had another major surprise, but this one is a pleasant one for me, even if not for some other teachers. My job has changed yet again. I've been moved from Elementary to Junior High, and I will be doing mostly inclusion. I will work with several teachers, and I will have the students in 7th and 8th grade, as oppposed to the 5th and 6th grade students I have now. I will miss my students, for sure, but I will not complain about going to the Junior High at all. The teacher who is going to 5th and 6th grade is really upset about it. She has always said that she *will not* teach Elementary, and since she is already planning on looking for a new job, I think this just reinforces that decision. I feel for her, because she has a semester of dealing with the teachers I have had to deal with!

This means not only changing IEP lists, but changing classrooms, changing buildings, changing administration. The only things that stay the same are the Sped Director, the Case Manager, and the Superintendent. I know these students because I have been doing inclusion for a couple of classes with them all year long. Now I feel that I will have the chance to get to know them, and help them, better because I will be seeing them more this way. I will *be* their Sped teacher, instead of them having several different teachers doing inclusion, or even none at all. I am glad it is working out, and I am glad to be in one school, and I am glad to be with the older students, although as I said I will miss my students very much. We haven't told them, which I disagreed with because of the types of students we have and their need for longer processing periods for new information...especially something as important as who their teacher will be. Oh well, that wasn't my decision, and other than seeing them in passing and (hopefully) grabbing a hug or two, it won't be me dealing with it. Harsh, maybe, but true.

So I am very excited about next school semester, both work-wise and school-wise. I have 6 more courses until I have my Masters degree, which I hope to complete next December. Wouldn't that be a trip? I also want to take another Praxis II exam so I can be highly qualified, and (even Padrone doesn't know this cos I keep forgetting to tell him) the Sped Director said the school district will pay for it! So I will probably take two of them, although the highly qualified one is most important and I will take it first.

And I can't keep from mentioning just how lucky I am to belong to Padrone. He is so warm and giving, loving and thoughtful, except when he plays backgammon of course. He isn't perfect, no matter how good he is, but we fit so well together that maybe it is our relationship that is so good, greater than either of us as individuals. I cannot imagine being with anyone else. I honestly have nothing to complain about, and this man makes it so easy to submit to him. I am unbelievably lucky, and I hope he feels the same way. I know he does, actually. I have no doubts whatsoever.

Honestly, I feel as if I am living a dream relationship. The only drawback is the ocean between us, but it is only *really* bad when we think about it, or when we have a powerful need (not necessarily sexual). I have been more aware of it since starting this job than ever before...I mean in an ongoing basis. I often would give anything for a hug, or for an evening with him, or a kiss, or .... well, y'all get the picture. But Padrone is just as wonderful as y'all might imagine about being even more "there" for me when I let him know I need it.

Padrone, I have often portrayed you in this blog as "larger than life", or in a more positive light than you seem to think you deserve. But all I can say is that you and my children are the best things that have ever happened to me. I would still be working at Wal Mart if it weren't for you, my Love, and your belief in me. Making you proud of me ...

I realize that, as a submissive woman, my ultimate goal in life is supposed to be serving you, making you happy. And you know, I love doing that. I love when you are happy and pleased with me. But, Padrone, the most incredible feeling in the world washes over me when you tell me how proud you are of me, and when you beam with pride over my accomplishments - big or small. I cannot explain just how that makes me feel, Padrone, but I can say that it is an addictive feeling and it motivates me even more than making you happy does.

I am not sure if I am explaining this well or not, but I do hope you understand what I am trying to say. My life has been forever changed because I know you. You could never have made this type of difference in my life if you had been any other man, or any other type of Master. How I love you, my wonderful, life-changing, Padrone. Thank you...thank you....thank you.

Words, Words, Words

2011-11-23T10:19:00.000-06:00

Words are very important in any relationship - they add so much but the lack of them can destroy even more. Because of the specific dynamics of our relationship words are even more meaningful to us than they may be to others, and that required a lot of adjustment for me.

The reality is that, no matter how much we wish our partner could read our mind, sometimes we have to overtly state things, or ask things outright. I have found that, once that awkward moment has passed, the discussion that follows is extremely beneficial and we usually have a far more open, close, relationship than before we talked.

There was a time when I wondered if I was supposed to act on my sexuality, or if that was presumptuous. I mean, submissive means having needs, but releasing control for those needs being met to another, right? I had always known that I could attract men, seduce them, but when the power was given to another over my life, my sexuality....what then? Was I supposed to sit and wait for him to decide to use me or to make me feel a certain way or...what?

This is where the words come into play, for me at least. And boy did it take a lot of talking for me to finally come to understand that Padrone really *does* want the best for me, and if I try to seduce him, or even mention that I am feeling sexual, he will then take the control he wants and needs and do what he wants. Often, not always mind you, but often what he does is exactly what I had longed for. Not always of course. And there have been times when I have taken the initiative and simply gone ahead and acted on my feelings.

I think, for us, that seduction is as much mental as anything else. In our particular dynamic a lot of what Padrone appreciates is when I offer my submission overtly. He appreciates so much when I find ways to please him, not merely sexually but in all ways. That fuels his Dominance, and it feeds my own submission, and his happiness and mine are in direct proportion to each other so...it is a beautiful, symbiotic relationship.

He loves when I use my words to indicate my desires. He loves a certain tone of voice that sparks a response in him. We've been together long enough for me to understand what he likes and appreciates, and now and then I have a flash of an idea that works. More often I don't, but it is those times when things click that make him so happy with the slave he owns.

I started this post yesterday, and right after this Padrone used me quite harshly. After the use, in the same phone call, I asked for something that I never dreamed I would ask for - to be allowed to cum more often, especially using insertion with a realistic toy rather than just playing with my fingers or a vibe. I don't mean daily or anything but it had been so long that I wasn't even able to recognize the need as sexual...I simply lumped it all together under "stress". It hasn't been granted or even mentioned again, but I do know that Padrone is thinking about it and has had some insight that it may help me to relieve some of the other types of stress if the sexual bit doesn't build until it is adding to it. Not to mention the simple physical stress relief of an orgasm. I'm not sexually needy, so much so that I truly didn't realize until he used me in a particular way just how much I missed it, how much it helped me in general to experience it. But if we didn't have the type and level of communication we do, I could never have even mentioned it to him to open the discussion. It was one of those awkward moments, for me at least, but I do know that Padrone will do what is best for me after we talked. He is quite creative about things, though, so I really don't what will happen, but I am relieved that it is *his* problem now!

And then again, this morning, I asked permission for something and he denied it. I wasn't upset about it, but since it was something I really hoped to do, I very respectfully asked him to reconsider, giving the *real* reasons for it, and he did. He granted permission, but only after I explained the real reasons I had hoped to be given permission to do it, rather than the superficial reasons I had initially given. Words, talking, communication...it WORKS, y'all. It really, really works.

And I would say that even if he had not granted permission, btw. He would still have been given as much information as I could give, and made the decision based on that rather than the partial information he had before. Now, just don't ask why I don't give that kind of information first....I have no answer, yet. I will, though, it's how I am.

One last thought: I know that not everyone celebrates the extremely American holiday of Thanksgiving (which is tomorrow for those who may not know), but it is my sincere wish that everyone takes a moment or two and reflects upon things and people they are truly thankful for having in their lives. I have learned that a grateful heart is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I have such a different perspective on every aspect of my life now, which is the ultimate thing I am thankful for having in my own life.

Padrone, I will be thinking of you as my family and I share the feast we are blessed enough to spread on our table. You, my love, are the most wonderful blessing in my life, and it is due to you that my life has changed so dramatically. I love you, and I thank you, my loving Padrone. I am indeed grateful to be yours.

One Happy Teacher!

2011-11-20T11:31:00.001-06:00

So I am off for an entire WEEK!!! I love teaching, and even more right at this moment, that's for sure!

I think Padrone is kind of happy about that as well, if the soreness of my ass is any indication. It is supposed to be even more sore, possibly as soon as tonight. I will have some privacy tomorrow but he possibly won't, so the universe is still on its axis - lol.

I think the removal of stress of work has also had a major, positive, effect on my libido as well! I have been sexual, and I think I have been better about showing it when I feel that way. I know Padrone really enjoys when I can show that whore side of me, the need for sexual use. And I love when I beg for what I feel that I need, and he simply says "you will be what I want you to be" and that is the end of that.

I've gotten all my school assignments done for this week, and have begun on one of the ones due next week. My plan is to finish them either after class on Monday night, or on Tuesday at the latest, so I can enjoy my holiday week. I do have a couple of things to do with my work as well, but they can easily be done in between baking and cooking and cleaning this week. Of course, lesson plans aren't quite that easy, and I hope to get caught up with them ... at least for the most part ... this week as well. I do have to have them done for the first week back, at least, because I will have a substitute for two days while I go to training. Yay me!

I am happy, grateful for the week off, and proud to belong to my Padrone. Life is good.

I love you, Padrone. You are so wonderful to me, my Love, and I am grateful to be yours.

La-La-La-La Life Goes On

2011-11-13T08:12:00.001-06:00

Wow, I didn't realize just how long it has been since I have written here. Time seems to speed by nowadays, and yet it drags at the same time.

I am more and more grateful for my Master. Padrone gets aggravated with how busy I am now, I think, especially when I am very busy on the weekends as well. I do try to plan around our times online, but of course that isn't always possible. And so there are often times when we just....see each other in passing, in some ways, although we may spend as much actual time together as possible. Sometimes it seems as if all we talk about is what is going on in our lives, and that isn't necessarily as conducive for intimacy as we need.

I've lost touch with some friends as well, and even my kids have had to learn to fend for themselves more. I miss contact with those who support me. But I do know they are still supportive, which is very, very important to me.

Things at my work are...well, they are unstable. I don't mean my job itself. But there is so much instability in terms of what we are doing and who is supposed to do what, that nobody even knows what is going on. It's hard to figure out what I am expected to do, and for whom. I *am* learning, though, but apparently not quickly enough for some folks. It's alright. I have 18 more days until Christmas vacation, then I'm halfway through my first year! And I will be so busy with both work and school next semester that it is my hope that it passes very, very quickly.

School - my own schooling - is going well I think. One class is difficult to judge, however, because of unclear or unspecified expectations. I have to figure out how to videotape myself teaching as well, which will again be...interesting. But mid-December I will be finished and will apply for my 5 year license as soon as I get my grades from my internship. That license will open even more doors for me, and I have already begun networking with my classmates and have a lead on another job next year. The situation I am in is bearable for this year, but unless I am offered another placement in this school district, I won't be able to continue there. Of course, there is one teacher who is also actively looking for another job, and her job is one that I would enjoy, so I have not made a commitment to leaving by any means. We'll see. Let's just say that I can do this for the rest of the school year and leave it at that.

I have injured myself again, btw. I swear I never used to be such a klutz. But a few weeks ago I fell *up* the stairs. (go ahead, laugh) I thought I had possibly sprained my left wrist, went to the nurse for an ice pack, she sent me to the doctor "just in case". I had x rays for a suspected fracture, was sent to the orthopedic specialist who put me in a cumbersome splint thingy for a week, went back for more x rays and have now been told that there is ligament damage. We are waiting for approval for an MRI to find out just what is wrong with it. It is likely at least "stretched" ligaments (doc's term, not mine), more likely torn. Treatment will depend on what the MRI finds of course, but apparently will consist of (most probably) a cast for 4-8 weeks while ligaments heal. If it is a bad tear, surgery. I'm wearing a removable brace now, and frankly a cast, while a pain in the butt, will feel better because of all the support it will provide. IF they can do this, I plan to ask for a red and white striped cast - a candy cane cast - for the holidays. If they can't, it will be red for Alabama of course!

And so we've just had the most amazing time together. *sigh* It was extremely intense and powerful and fulfilling. I'm floating in that place of unfocused submission which has left me without words and without thoughts to type. Padrone, your control is amazing, and as necessary in my life as breathing. Grazie, mio Padrone. Thank you for controlling me, for making and keeping me yours.

An Outpouring of Love for my Padrone

2011-10-22T20:13:00.000-05:00

I miss the time I used to have. There, I admit it.

I work, drive to and from work, do a few chores to ensure I have clothes to wear and the toilet is clean, and sleep. Until the weekend, when I do a few more chores, shop for groceries, watch football, do more laundry and get things ready for the next week. I knew I would be busy, but I guess I didn't realize just *how* little time I would have while working.

I do love having my weekends off though, the consistency of knowing just when I will be free is a huge relief. I'm about to start another class, and I can't drop this one so I have to do whatever it takes to get the work done. I will, I know. I just miss having the time I used to have.

I am thoroughly enjoying my job, though. Hearing the students say that they love my class and want me to move to 7th grade with them next year means more to me than I could ever express. Hearing my MR student who has had the same teacher, in the same surroundings, for the past 5 years tell me that she loves my class, and she loves our room.... it's like a balm to my soul, I admit.

The politics are still awful and stressful and taking their toll on me. Being asked to do things that are illegal and unethical, by my mentor teacher at that, is something I never expected and can only hope that I can continue to react in an appropriate way. I feel as if I have to keep my guard up constantly. I know I do, in many ways, but it is as if I have a target on my back because I am the "new kid" and also because I...well, frankly because I know what I am doing and I am not going to risk my license and my future by doing some of the things they are asking me to do.

I am just really, really grateful that Padrone is a lawyer! But even more than that, I am grateful that Padrone is the loving, caring, patient, supportive man that he is. I guess sometimes I tend to have my head in the clouds or maybe I just ... don't always understand the effects of so many changes and so I pile things onto my plate without realizing just how hard it might be. Well, I have handled a lot of things since Padrone and I have been together, so maybe it seems as if I haven't really recognized my limitations or something, I don't know. Does that make sense? It isn't as if I think I am superwoman or something, please don't misunderstand. It's just that I can see that I have in the past worked full time and taken 3 graduate summer classes, so I never imagined that taking one class while teaching would be an issue. But Padrone realized far more than I did that I wasn't just going to work full time again, I was starting a new career entirely. It is stressful. It has taken quite a bit of adjustment. And it has really, really been time and energy consuming that's for sure!

But Padrone keeps steady. He hasn't used me in a while, that's true, and I miss that. Not as much the sexual aspects of it as the overt, focused, undeniable expression of submission and devotion....and the gratitude that follows so immediately .... that I miss. It isn't as if our relationship is any less strong by any means. If anything it is stronger, from my perspective at least. It seems as if my emotions run deeper and deeper with every passing day. I never understand just how that can happen, but this man...

Padrone thinks that I make him look like some sort of....saint or something, in my blog. I don't talk about how badly he beats me at backgammon even though I am still learning and don't know all the strategies. I don't talk about when he asks me why I am a couple of minutes late getting online, but often makes me wait 10 minutes or longer before he comes online. There are times when I get irritable (usually hormone-related, even though I hate using that "excuse", it happens). There are times when he is grumpy - although not often for sure. But the consistency of his behaviors, the expressions of his emotions, that consistency has influenced me in a very positive way and it is as if the newfound calmness of mind has allowed my emotions to deepen or strengthen.

I don't have to be concerned with whether or not Padrone is going to be upset about this or that. I honestly believe that I have a pretty good understanding of this man, on the level that is vital for our relationship as the dynamic stands. I believe that it would take some pretty major disrespect or deliberate disobedience on my part for him to get extremely upset with me. He may get irritable, as he did when I would forget to text him as soon as I got to the school every morning, but really upset is extremely rare. I would remember to text when I left, but when I would get to the school itself, I would have people who would walk to my car when I got there, talking with me about school or whatever, and I would forget to text even when I got to the room because by then my day had started....or I would text then but it wasn't what he wanted. So we have kind of, in a way, compromised in an informal way. I try to text before I go in, but I will at least text when I have gotten to my room. (also, one reason I would forget before is because I would be getting to the school just in time to clock in...well, I usually clock in 5 minutes before it's required, but now I have started leaving a few minutes earlier so I have time to get the settling in done). Anyway, after he threatened to call the school a couple of times, we had a talk and....I've done better (for the most part, with a couple of very noticeable slip-ups) and so has he. He simply texts to ask if I arrived safely, and he now gives me time to respond between classes or whenever I can instead of threatening to call the school. So see...things do have a way of working themselves out, simply because we are who we are and we know that working them out is what we do.

I love him more as time passes. I honestly never believed that was possible before Padrone. Was there life before Padrone? I feel as if I spent my entire life waiting for him, going through the motions of life with the joy in my life coming solely from motherhood.

Gratitude overwhelms me. It simply and totally overwhelms me. I adore you, my love. You are so important to me, and I cannot imagine life without you in it. I am yours in ways that are absolutely inexpressible and irrevocable. Forever, absolutely, yours.

I'm Still Here, Promise!

2011-10-02T13:53:00.001-05:00

Finally a moment to breathe. It has been a hectic, hectic couple of weeks around here!Work got incredibly busy and stressful, and I guess that the nature of the beast is that there are few people that I can trust, even to actually give me correct and complete information on how to do what I am supposed to do. Everyone has their own agenda. Maybe being self absorbed is a good thing in this kind of environment, because frankly, it is all I can do to take care of my *own* issues. I can't imagine how much time and energy it takes to plot and plan and scheme the way some of these folks I work with do. And the way they try so hard to keep "stuff" stirred between folks is just truly amazing to me. I mean really. We're all adults. Let's just go to work, do our jobs, and go back home. Who cares if I didn't smile at you this morning? Why does that mean that I am "upset with you because of "???*deep breath*I have no idea why all of this comes as a surprise to me. I guess I kind of assumed that we would all be too busy to worry about what "he said/she said", but apparently we aren't. It's alright, I'm just venting here because it's safe to do so without being "tattled on" - lol.But work has been stressful with being left to learn things on my own, given little or no direction and often that is incorrect information. It is getting better, overall, and a lot of it is because I am just doing things and if they're wrong, I am just going to say "nobody bothered to show me how to do it right, just told me to do it", which is nothing but the truth.So I have typically been typing here on the weekends since I have started teaching. The past two weekends have been even busier than the weeks, believe it or not! A wedding, a flying trip to my parents' house 2.5 hours away, and a 3 day festival where my daughter had a booth for her photography all ate my time and kept me from spending much time with Padrone even, much less with any time or energy to type here. But it is good, life is fun right now even with the school issues. I am thoroughly enjoying being a teacher. It's not as different as I expected, I think I just didn't expect to be ... included, or something. I thought my newness and the fact that I live an hour away would help to insulate me from some of the "stuff". And it has, believe it or not!But yesterday....Yesterday I ended up having to drive to a town that is 50 miles north of where I live for what ended up being a useless errand. There is an adult store there. Padrone had me to shopping at the store, looking for a pyrex butt plug. I also asked if I could get some new nipple clamps, and he said yes as long as they aren't too expensive. So I went. I am always horny when I go into those stores. I don't know if it is because I am horny before I ever get there, and everything just magnifies what is already there, or what. But I feel incredibly sexual when I visit a shop like that. So I took my time looking around, pondering, imagining Padrone using the toys, imagining the sensations that one might experience. The only pyrex toys they had were quite slim, and not at all cone shaped, so they weren't what he wanted me to get. I did find some adjustable nipple clamps with a chain and a removable weight, which are different from what I own already. I also found some nipple stimulation gel - I know, hyped stuff usually doesn't work well, but this works very well to harden my nipples and it kept them hard for a while. I think because I nursed my kids forever I lost some sensitivity in my nipples, and maybe that is why I enjoy them played with roughly and painfully, who knows? Anyway, when I went to check out, the man was very suggestive. He outright asked if I needed help testing my products. I laughed and said, "Not today, thanks, but if I ever do I'll let you know!" I was the only customer in the store at that time, and he was the owner, so I know he would have "helped" if I had wanted him to - lol. I had been wearing my butterfly the entire time I was gone from home, even on the useless errand, and when I texted to tell Padrone that I was finished in the store, he called. I have a major love/hate relationship with that butterfly because I am apparently physically incapable of cumming from nothing but clitoral stimulation. That butterfly feels sooooooooo good, it is so incredibly arousing, until it brings me *to* the edge and I cannot go over it! Padrone thoroughly enjoyed my desperate, frantic begging, even for a touch to my nipple, to send me over the edge! He granted it a couple of times, and today my clit is tender as I know he enjoys.Last night was an EXCELLENT football game, for my team at least, and today has been laundry and chores, and otherwise being a bit lazy and relaxed. It has been wonderful. I'm alone right now, and hopeful that Padrone and I can have some time together while I am alone. I miss the amount of time we used to have, and the intimacy that I tried hard not to take for granted but which I miss most of all. :)I love you, Padrone. I am glad things seem to be settling down just a bit and the next little while seems less hectic than the past few weeks. Next weekend is a long weekend, as we discussed, and next month I have a full week off for Thanksgiving! I am so yours, my Padrone, even when I cannot overtly show it as much as I used to. Thank you for being so proud of me, for guiding me, and for welcoming the changes even when they are difficult because of how much difference all of this makes in my life, for me, and for us. You are an incredible, loving man, and I am unbelievably blessed to be your woman. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone. *bacio*

Nothing Much

2011-09-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

Not a lot to talk about this week, I think. The state board of education representatives were in our school a couple of days this week, and apparently found some compliance issues in the Special Ed department, but I guess it was nothing *too* major. Son has 3 kidney stones, and the pain hit him Friday night while he was at work, so I spent the majority of that night with him at the Emergency Room of the hospital. He is still hurting pretty badly, and I hate that. I am going to call and see if I can get his excuse extended through tonight's shift. Poor son.

Of course, as expected, Padrone has been absolutely wonderful through it all. We both look forward to the weekends so much because we have more time to spend with each other, and when I had things to do last night and I was so totally exhausted from doing things all day yesterday, he told me to rest and not to get online. I am grateful, but I hate the necessity of it. Not that I want to be superwoman or anything. I just miss spending time with Padrone.

There is not much else to say. Things seem to be settling down at school, although I am still not relaxing my guard any. It's funny but the very fact that I seem to know what I am doing is rubbing folks the wrong way (obviously it is folks who don't have a clue, and it isn't just me that says that). I think it is more likely that I am not going to do things the *wrong* way. I was told recently to "watch my back". I assume it is because I refused to do something that not only could have cost me my license, but was in fact illegal. Of course, the superintendent knows about the request for me to do it, the terminology used, and the fact that I refused, so even if there are ... repercussions ... I do have the support of the administration. Frankly, though, I expect it to be far too subtle and covert and all I will be able to do is to grin and bear it, and come home to vent to the wonderful man who allows me to vent as much as I need.

The best thing about that situation, however, is that I have some "behind the scenes" support from folks who have offered to help me and teach me how to do things that I am simply told to do without being told *how* to do them. I am grateful for them, believe me!

And so now I am going to work on my schoolwork, laundry and wardrobe planning, keeping an eye on son, and if I finish my schoolwork in time I am going to go shoe shopping for some nice looking, supportive shoes! Maybe my post next week won't be quite so boring - lol.

I love you, Padrone. I appreciate you more than I can say. I haven't typed my gratefulness lately, but your care for me is one of the most important things in my life, and something that has made all the difference in the world to me. I thank you for caring for me so deeply, my Padrone. I am yours.

Gratitude

2011-09-05T17:15:00.001-05:00

Long weekends are wonderful, even if they are filled with wind, rain, and tornadoes from a tropical storm!

School is going well...I mean "work" school. There are conflicts of course, but I do love teaching! I will be glad when I feel more settled, though, and I hope it will happen soon. I hope they're finished changing the schedules for both teachers and students. Poor kids - it is extremely difficult for them when they have no idea where they are supposed to go when. Consistency is key to reaching students with special needs, and when schedules change as often as they have this school year, these students become worried, confused, and upset. It bothers me because it doesn't have to be that way, and because the "powers that be" seem to not even understand that basic aspect of teaching Special Ed. Oh well, I am praying and doing my best, and holding onto my kids even if they have to walk all over campus with me because things are totally "haywire"!

Grad school is also going well. I have a pretty time-intensive assignment due on Sunday, more journal articles and summarizations thereof, but it won't be difficult to do. It may end up being Saturday before I can actually work on it, but maybe I'll have a chance to at least bookmark a few articles before then. We'll see. This class only lasts through mid-October, then my other half-semester class begins. Then I will only lack 5 courses having my Masters! I hope at the end of next summer I will be able to graduate! What a riot that will be, an old lady like me graduating again - lol. But I will enjoy every minute of it, especially if I can keep my 4.0 gpa and graduate with highest honors. Yes, I will be bursting with pride if I can do that!

And this is not what I had hoped to type about today. I plan to talk about gratitude and how vital I believe it is to the success of any relationship, specifically D/s relationships. I hope to present the idea that gratitude, like every other aspect of a relationship, must be balanced in emotion even if not in expression.

I truly believe that many of us struggle with submission because we struggle with gratitude. I am not totally sure why that is, but we tend to think of reasons to feel ungrateful rather than to be grateful. You know....maybe it *is* easier for me since I am not with Padrone daily. Maybe the gratitude I feel for what we have is due to the fact that I don't live with him. Maybe everything we have is totally false because I don't see him face-to-face. Maybe the past 6 years have been nothing more than wishful thinking.

But maybe not.

Maybe I do understand a bit about D/s relationships. Maybe I do understand the importance of gratitude, and expressing gratitude, as much as expressing love or ownership or whatever else one may wish to express. Maybe it really does make a difference .... to feel grateful for little things, big things, and life-changing things. Maybe that gratitude is a way of maintaining a measure of humility that is necessary when serving another - not humiliation, but humility. Maybe that gratitude and humility will go much farther in creating and feeding a desire for our Dominants to meet our needs, than being dissatisfied or irritable or expressing our needs/wants/displeasure with how things are going ever could.

Gratitude, to me, is simply a way to show heartfelt appreciation for who we are in a relationship with. But I am so grateful for so many other things, outside our relationship, and I am learning the value of a grateful heart and the affect that attitude has on the quality of my life.

Gratitude cannot prevent bad things from happening, but it can help us get through some of the worst things without going insane. For instance, when my daughter had her accident, it would have been so easy...*so* easy....to break down and collapse from the weight of the severity of her injury, the "what ifs", the responsibility of caring for her physical and emotional needs. And yes, I did struggle with it when I became so exhausted that I didn't even know what day it was or who I was speaking with on the phone. But for the most part, I chose to focus on the facts that she *is* alive, she *is* mobile, she *is* healing. I looked at the accident site and saw how close she came to hitting a power pole, and how that 4 inches might have changed my world entirely. I looked at the truck and shivered when I realized that her car would never have protected her that way. I saw the straightness of the road she ran off of, and how well maintained the land was, and closed my mind to the trees in the curve a tenth of a mile down the road. Every text asking for me was music to my ears, even though I was exhausted. I was grateful, AM grateful, to have my daughter alive, healing, and happy.

All of the negatives are still there. She *did* have a wreck. She *did* ruin her brother's truck. We *don't* have insurance. There *are* bad things happening as a result of her accident. But I truly believe that being grateful for the positive aspects has helped me to simply let the negatives be what they are, and not turn them into major issues. I deal with them when I need to, but they don't rule my life as they once would have.

Maybe that is why I feel as if this particular attitude is so vital to a healthy relationship. It has literally changed my life, my outlook, and my relationship. I never really have been able to explain this until tonight, but there was one moment, years ago, that I remember quite clearly. Padrone had another slave as well as me, and I had been having major problems with that, even though I knew it when he collared me. But one night, on the phone, I suddenly just....had an epiphany. I realize NOW that it was the beginning of my attitude of gratefulness that has grown and blossomed since that moment. All I knew then was that I had made a conscious choice to focus on him and on us and that the other woman was only an issue for me or for us if I let her be. And I didn't let her be anymore, until the very end of their relationship (long story and not mine to tell, so no details).

The point is that submission is not always easy. But it becomes so much easier when one approaches life and relationships with an attitude of thankfulness for what one has, rather than with eyes focused on what one wants.

Padrone, I had told you that I would like to focus on one thing daily that I am grateful for, and I am going to begin today by saying that I am grateful for peace of mind. I don't know where it is coming from, except from my faith and my belief in myself and in US, but I know that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, and learning through it all. There is so much more I could type here, but I will save it for another day. Thank you for believing in me, Padrone. I am yours, gratefully and wonderfully yours.

Just Plain Happy

2011-08-28T13:13:00.000-05:00

I am just plain happy.

I don't get paid until Wednesday, and I'm short of enough funds to last until then, especially with a doctor's appointment for daughter tomorrow. But I'm happy.

I have one working vehicle, and am borrowing and kids are hitching rides to work until I can get another one. But I'm happy.

I don't have nearly enough time for my Padrone, and at times I forget to tell him important things, although I do try hard to remember either when we are talking, or when I type my email to him, or if it is quick then I can text. But I'm happy.

It's obvious whenever he and I talk; he has commented on it more than once that I seem happy. And I am.

I am teaching, finally, although it is still sinking in. Scheduling and even student assignments have been totally erratic. In the first 3 weeks of school, I have had my schedule changed....5 times maybe? And it is still not written in stone! I will be very glad when things settle there. It is really a good feeling, though, to finally be working as a teacher!

And I'm in school as well, taking two more classes towards my Masters, plus an internship towards my final certification. The two classes for my Masters are taken one at a time, though, so it is a little easier. The one this half-semester won't meet online weekly, either, so it is almost like independent study with weekly deadlines, which is kind of the best of both worlds in a way.

And the best part is that finally I have settled enough that Padrone is starting to use me again, to tease me, to have me do things while online, he found a new channel for us that allows scening, something we have missed for quite some time. (the public aspect of scening, the scening hasn't been *that* long since we've done privately!) I'm out of practice for public scening, so I expect to feel quite exposed, vulnerable, and inhibited the first few times we do it, especially if others choose to critique my "technique" as they did a submissive who was scening there last night - lol. I'm afraid I might not be able to focus on the scene if that happens to me, and if someone intrudes in that way....well, I just hope it doesn't happen!

I am so very happy.

Padrone, you are amazing, and I am so very blessed to belong to you. You make me happy. Amazingly, incredibly, beautifully happy. Thank you for being you, for loving me, for taking care of me. I love you, Padrone.

Odds and Ends, and a bit of adoration for my Padrone in the mix

2011-08-21T19:42:00.000-05:00

So. Well, timing stinks, but unexpected things happen sometimes. I have a car that I knew was on its last legs, but I was hoping and praying that it would last until I got my first paycheck, and my financial aid refund Sept. 8. But of course it didn't happen - the engine totally conked out on me early Friday morning. I've already missed a day's work. And I have to get to work and my kids have to get to their college 45 minutes away 3 days per week, and we're down to one vehicle that can make that kind of trip. Life is....interesting, to say the least. Padrone used me last night in a strong, powerful way. It was so intense, and so much needed! I've worn the rope he has me wear now and then all day today, so my belly is a bit tender and red beneath the rope, but it is so good to feel it. My holes are still sore from last night's use, too. And used me again tonight until I came and came and came, and ended up in a mushy, teary, grateful state that is so easy for him to bring me to. Sigh. I love that man. You know...it is sometimes hard to put into words things I have been thinking and feeling. Since school started (work-school, not grad school...that starts this week but my first class won't be until next week), I have had so little time to do anything other than work, see Padrone in the evenings, bath, get ready for the next day (wardrobe, lunch, whatever I may need ... taking things a little at a time means that there is almost always something to carry into the school!). The D/s is still present, of course, and it is exciting to be starting a new career and all. I just miss him. The adjustment is taking its own sweet time in settling into routine....well, it only seems that way I know. We have grown so much. I love where we are now, the place where we can enjoy each other's presence, AND each other's busy-ness if that makes sense. We are so much a part of each others' life...it is so wonderful that we are family, even as far apart as we are! I realize this is a short post, and probably not as deep or as wordy as my posts usually are, but I am still kind of floaty from tonight's use, and ... I feel the need to close the door for a while, and keep the intimacy within me instead of sharing even my thoughts with others tonight. Maybe next post will be a more personal, intimate peek into me, him, and/or us. But for now....buona notte, everyone.Padrone, thank you for holding me so tightly, and for loving me so powerfully. I adore you, Padrone, and I am totally, irrevocably, yours.

Collage

2011-08-14T20:01:00.000-05:00

<br>One week of teaching fully completed....or should I say one week of absolute chaos? I've already been accused of "coming across as a know-it-all", which simply means that I know my job and actually do it. I also understand what is required of me to get my 5 year license, and I kind of do what I am supposed to do to and if others don't want to help, then I figure out how to get it done. That has apparently bothered some folks - lol.

I don't have much time to live, especially with the after school discussions and "how are things going" conversations, and such. But Padrone and I have been able to talk every evening, thankfully. It has been a transition, and it will continue to be for a while yet, but now I finally believe that it will gradually work out.

And tomorrow (in US time) is Padrone's birthday! I have nothing for him this year, about which I am a bit embarrassed and guilty. But he knows I love him, and I wish that his day is as wonderful as he is!

He was sick this week, as well, including a trip to the emergency room. He is fine, but I freaked out when I heard. Of course. I don't know how much Padrone realizes about how freaked out I was, but he is so rarely sick, much less *that* sick, that I kind of take it for granted. Bad, bad, bad. I do have to fight the urge to nag, though, which I do successfully I think. For the most part anyway - lol.

So that's pretty much all that is going on around here. I'm too busy to do much other than work, talk with Padrone, and sleep during the week. On the weekends I do chores, laundry, and grocery shop. It will take time for things to settle in, even in the home life, but I treasure the weekends because I get to see Padrone twice per day again.

I love that. I value it. Even when I'm irritable and grumpy and I tell Padrone and he offers to let me go to bed instead of talking with him! (I usually *don't* take my grumpy moods out on him, but I do try to let him know when I am feeling that way anyway).

And other than keeping an eye on the tropics, and waiting for the daughter's next doctor's appointment, things are going well. I am really enjoying teaching, and I have already had one of those "ah-ha" moments when a student "got it". Of course, the student may not remember it tomorrow, but it's all good. It was very rewarding, at least!

Padrone, I hope your birthday is very special, and you enjoy dinner with your family. I know you will, of course, but I hope it is even more special than you expect.

I love you, my Master. I am yours.

Just a few thoughts

2011-08-07T14:03:00.000-05:00

So I went back a few posts and read what I had typed, and I realized just how choppy and how incomplete it was. I'm going to rehash some things this post, but hopefully create order out of chaos - lol.

My daughter had an accident several weeks ago, and ended up breaking her back in two places. Two compression fractures, in vertebrae L1 and L2 for those who may know what that means, which translates into lots of pain for her and a slow recovery, but no surgery (thank God). She spent a few nights in the hospital, then several weeks at home, and is now able to have a bit more independence. She is able to start college later this month as she had planned, so she is indeed a happy girl.

I got a job teaching an hour or so away from home. I've worked 4 days so far, and tomorrow the students' school year begins. I'm really excited about it, as one might expect - lol. I have to wake up before the chickens though, so I have planned my week's wardrobe already and have them sorted by outfit...except shoes. I'll have to do that in a little while. I'll also pack a lunch for tomorrow too.

And in my classes, which I did finish even though daughter's situation was quite demanding, I missed 3 points out of 1190 in one class, and made a perfect score in the other class! It wouldn't have been possible without the flexibility of the professors in lifting any consequences for me turning work in late, though. But they were more than understanding, and I am extremely grateful to have had these two particular teachers!

The drive, and the timing of my leaving for work, has meant that I can't talk with Padrone in the mornings anymore. I miss that, I miss him. But it has worked out that I can see him in the evenings, or talk with him, and I love that. It's hard though. This weekend has been nice, knowing that I can see him or talk with him more than during the week. And of course, since I live in a very rural area, there are several private spots with a cell signal on the way home, so that when the weather cools off a bit (it's over 100 degrees where I live, most days lately), it is my hope that I can be used some. I may have to get a bit inventive in terms of toys, because the *last* think I would wish to happen is to have sex toys found in my purse or another bag! I can't leave them in the car because of the heat, of course, and since I am a teacher it is a bit more important than if i were a mid-level manager in some generic office somewhere. But it won't look strange if I take a cucumber for lunch and "forget" to use it in my salad, or something like that. And of course, there are always things that can be covered with condoms and used, such as flashlights or hair brush handles or whatever. And they make these cute little vibes that look like lipsticks too, so I may try to find something like that. The point is that whatever Padrone uses to fill his slut's holes doesn't necessarily have to look like a cock, or an obvious sex toy either!

As long as it can be covered with tiger balm, and as long as I keep a towel handy in my car, we're good to go! (or cum, as the case may be).

Yes, I am horny, in case you couldn't tell.

And since I have totally forgotten what was so strongly on my mind last night that I had planned to type about here, I am going to end this post and go rope myself with a very tight crotch rope per Padrone's instructions, and struggle for the allotted time not to cum. Wish me luck. It won't be easy today, I'm afraid!

Padrone, I adore you. I yearn for you, and I long for your use. I will be so glad when the changes have become a new routine, and there is less uncertainty in our lives in terms of when and for how long we can spend time together. Thank you for being so proud of me, and for wanting me to follow my dreams, even though it has meant so much more .... interesting .... in our lives. Thank you for being the consistency in my often-chaotic world. Thank you for being the strong, solid rock that I can depend upon always being there, and always holding me up even when I am ready to sink. You, my love, are my world. Thank you, Padrone.

Today!

2011-08-01T12:04:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I start my new job. I am thrilled and excited and ready - I have been waiting for this day for years, literally. I will finally be teaching, Special Education, in a small school district, inclusion-only, with a total of 10 students, of which the vast majority are mildly learning disabled with few behavior problems. I will miss not having a classroom of students, in some ways, but this way I will be able to focus on a few students as well as on building positive working relationships with my coworkers. I really am excited about it.

So lots of changes are coming in the next few weeks. And since my daughter's accident and the severity of her injury, along with the even more intense compression of already compressed summer classes, I haven't had a lot of time or privacy to be available for Padrone's use.

Until today.

.....today....

Today, my daughter drove to town for the very first time alone, since the accident. Today, my son went to work around the same time. So today, I had a wonderful, and wonderfully unexpected, bit of privacy today.

And Padrone used his slave. He took pain, pleasure, suffering. He was begged, his control strengthened, the power surged almost electrically between us. I begged for pain, for pleasure, for release, for HIS release. I burned and buzzed and humped and was filled to overflowing while even my clit was burned with tiger balm.

And now, I am almost in tears as the submission that is always there but not often expressed to such a deep degree fills my heart until there is nowhere for the emotions to go other than to be conveyed through words, tears, thoughts - mushiness.

I needed today, because of yesterday and because of tomorrow. To be so firmly reaffirmed was absolutely perfect. I feel fresh, renewed, revived.

Padrone, can the words "thank you" ever express enough of the gratitude I feel? Can you feel my heart, my Padrone? Can you tell just how grateful I am for the connection before yet another change in our circumstances which will likely affect our connection even temporarily? Can I ever let you know how glad I am that things worked out today, with your schedule and my unexpected privacy?

Do you have any idea just how much I love you, and love to express that love in all the ways you enjoy seeing it, Padrone? I am so yours. And I am so grateful that you are mine as well. Thank you, so much, for today... for all our todays, in all the ways we experience them even if not as dramatic or as intense as this today. I love you, my Master. Forever.

Happy, Happy Anniversary, my love

2011-07-30T17:06:00.001-05:00

A surprising thing happened on the way to....punishment?

2011-07-26T08:24:00.000-05:00

I know it has been a while since I have typed here, and that is mainly because I have discovered a few things about myself that have taken a little bit of time to process.

First, though, I am going to update on my "life". As I think I mentioned earlier, I did finally get a job teaching Special Ed in a small school district around 50 minutes' drive from here. I start next week with professional development days ("teacher days" we used to call them), and the students' first day of school is two weeks from yesterday. I'm excited, eager, and extremely nervous. I've never done this before, and since I don't yet know even what I will be teaching, it's kind of hard to prepare for it. I don't know what curriculum they use, what types of supplies or extras are provided, or anything. So I am going to the school today to take paperwork, and to check things out more as well.

My daughter is doing well, but is not well yet of course. Her back is hurting, but I don't know if it is the fractured vertebrae still giving her pain or if it is muscular. I wonder if there is still supposed to be spasms, 5 weeks post-accident. But I also understand that her lack of activity will contribute to pain when she does things. She goes back to the doctor on Thursday. So this week is filled with uncertainty, both good and bad.

And on the relationship front, something interesting happened this week, something that I never expected but which I feel very good about happening. And I think Padrone does too.

Regular readers of this blog will know that recently Padrone eliminated the punishment element of our relationship. It has been good in terms of my stress level, but something was missing. When my daughter's accident and injury was so new, everything was pretty much lifted - I was just expected (and it wasn't even a formal expectation but Padrone was worried and I knew he would like updates) to keep him posted as best I could. I missed texts of course, and emails while she was in the hospital. I honestly don't know how many other emails I missed, but I know that I missed a lot of texts. Frankly, I was too busy and exhausted and worried and focused on medication schedule and monitoring pain levels and how she moved and figuring out what food she could eat while flat on her back and....well, you get the idea. I hated it, I knew that all I needed to do was to let him know I needed him and he would be there for me, but I also knew that all I would do is cry and whine and complain if i did. I was totally overwhelmed, and it was (of course) a totally unexpected thing.

Thinking of texting every hour was simply impossible. As you might imagine, however, Padrone knew that even better than I did. So, even if punishment had still been a part of our dynamic, this is one example of when there would have been no punishment for my lack of obedience, because of the extreme nature of the circumstances.

But as with all things which we are unaccountable for, it was more difficult for me to get back into the routine once things began to settle down. Things were still kind of "topsy-turvy" when Padrone mentioned to me that I should resume my hourly texting, but I felt so bad for having unintentionally kept him more uninformed than he deserved, and for withdrawing into my world where I live, that it was something I was glad that he reined me in regarding. I would have done it even if I hadn't been glad, of course, but it was good, to me, that I did feel relief to be held accountable again. I needed, so much, that control that even the simple act of texting because he wants me to text gives me.

And so, that is where we stood when I missed an email. Since there is no punishment now, there was a void. I did feel badly about it, as usual, but something surprising happened....

I offered to do the things that he had once set in place for punishment.

In all honesty, it surprised me as much as I think it did Padrone!

But it felt good. Not because I was punished, but because there were consequences for my inaction, and yet they were freely offered. I think Padrone truly enjoyed that, knowing that I understood my place as his slave was to meet his expectations, and accepting consequences for not doing so....but he also very much enjoys when acts of submission are offered. And it feels so good to offer, too, rather than having everything imposed. I am not one of those women who feel submissive only when forced to obey.

I love to submit. I love to obey. I love pleasing Padrone. And a big part of that is when I screw up, even in small ways, to offer consequences for screwing up. You know, as I told him, I can't promise to write 50 lines for every missed text, especially after I start working and there is not only an 8 hour day, but an hour's drive each way, to add to my day. But maybe I can think of something to offer him, that will be meaningful but not so time consuming. Missing a text is a small infraction, and the consequences should not eat 40 minutes of my day, or I don't think so anyway. And unless Padrone insists on that particular consequence be what I offer, which somehow I don't think he will, then I will try to think of something that will be effective, will show Padrone my remorse, will be unpleasant enough to be corrective in nature, and won't take a huge chunk out of my time.

I was really, really surprised at the feelings of relief and submission I felt from offering consequences freely as I did the other day. I think, and I hope deeply, that Padrone was pleased about the offering. I think he appreciates the fact that I want to show my remorse for screwing up. And you know, I think that was part of the problem for me when punishment was automatically imposed for screwups like missing an email. Yes, it may have been what Padrone considered simple consequences rather than true punishment, but the very fact that it was imposed upon me meant that I had no way to express the remorse I felt for screwing up. Yes, a small infraction, and no, I don't suffer from the major perfectionist tendencies I used to (I am accepting the human-ness of my slavery much better now). But even though I understand that I won't always do what I'm supposed to do, because I am human and will screw up, I do feel sorry when I do. And now, even though I am doing the same things as consequences for the same infraction, the emotions involved are totally different....it is now an expression of apology, remorse, and submission rather than a rote fulfilling of duty.

That is one reason it seemed as if I was taking everything far more seriously than I should - I would still apologize, often many times, for missing an email. Padrone didn't understand it, and I didn't either frankly, but now I see that a lot of the reason was because saying I am sorry was that expression of remorse that *I* as a slave need when I mess up. So I was doing that *and* punishment, and even though I couldn't express these thoughts, it often felt like overkill.

But now....

Now I can offer. Now it is a freely offered expression of remorse, rather than an unemotional, required, reaction to my screwups. Now it is a result of my heart opening and searching for a way to express itself. Now, it is a way for me to show my submission in the way that Padrone loves - offered freely, just as the "good" things are. And it was so fulfilling, so freeing, and very, very surprising to me that it was those things.

Padrone, I hope you were as pleased as I thought you were about my offering. I hope my words here made sense to you, and I hope you understand a bit more about what I am just now learning about myself as well. I love you, Padrone, and I am a very, wonderfully, blessed woman to be the one you love. Thank you for being who you are, my Love. Thank you for all you do to show your love and happiness in our relationship. Just thank you, Padrone. I am yours.

A New Day, A New Life

2011-07-13T10:02:00.001-05:00

First, thank you Padrone for the suggestion for what to write about today! I have wanted to type here for a few days but really didn't know what to write. So many things happening, but not as much on the D/s and relationship front...on the surface at least...and so I realize that what I type here only has interest for myself and Padrone in the long run. And that's perfectly alright with me.

But a lot of what I type here, Padrone and I have already discussed, and this place is more for clarifying my own thoughts, or adding details that I forget when we're talking, or things like that. I process my thoughts through typing them here, at times, and that is what I think will happen today.

See, my new job will entail many changes in my life, and in Padrone's of course. I will have to wake up and leave home at an ungodly hour in the morning, drive an hour or so to my job, and drive home the same distance. I will have a lot of time alone, which is not a bad thing at all. Being on the road for that long will be a challenge some days, and I know Padrone will worry a bit about me driving that far. The drive is the worst part of this entire job, but if I didn't think I could do it, I never would have applied for the position. After this year, my situation will be a little different in a couple of ways, and I can do anything for a year!

But it means that our routine will have to change, as will my framework. We've already talked about the fact that 5:30 am is awfully early to wake up and shove a fake cock up one's ass, so that is one bit of the framework that will shift. I am sure I will still have something to do in the mornings, even if it is to wear something while I drive. But of course what it actually is will be up to Padrone.

And you know what? I am so grateful that Padrone is the type of person he is. He takes into consideration not only his own needs and desires, but mine as well, and my circumstances and situation and job and life and personality. He knows me so well, and challenges me at times, but frankly we have moved beyond the need for me to prove my submission to him.....but that doesn't mean that things will always be easy. It simply means that Padrone chooses how he wishes for me to show my submission. That doesn't mean that he doubts it or that i must prove anything, only that the D/s is a major part of our relationship.

I guess it is the fact that I do trust him so much that enables me to....well, I don't worry about what he has in mind. Maybe I should, I don't know - lol - but not really. I know that even when he challenges me it is only out of the need for control, or that he knows i need to show my submission, in a strong and powerful way. He has no more need to prove that he can/does control me, than I do to prove my submission. We've been through too much, been together too long, for doubts of those things to be a part of our lives any longer.

And so, in 3.5 short weeks, I will be driving to my new job, in a different town. Starting a new life professionally, personally, and together with Padrone. I will finally be making a better living, financially things will begin to ease, and I will be doing what I have dreamed of doing almost my entire life. I am in a beautiful, almost fairy tale relationship with a wonderful, loving, considerate, passionate, caring man. And the frame within which I live my life will be shifting but not crumbling.

Now, if only I can find a decent car....*laughing but still serious*

Padrone, I have a ton of things to think about in terms of this new job. What is the dress code? When I get paid at the end of August will it be for a full month? I have paperwork issues with license to deal with. I have to think about packing lunch (I refuse to eat school lunches daily...they are just plain gross, even after all these years!). I have to get clothes cleaned, ironed, sorted into outfits so I won't have to think about all of those things while I am acclimating to a new job. I am sure some shopping will be involved, even if for nothing other than shoes. (I doubt sneakers will be appropriate - lol) And I have to finish all of my work for my classes this summer and get registered for classes in the fall.

But through it all, I hope that I never fail in my effort to let you know how much you mean to me. You are the reason I have this job, Padrone. You encouraged me to begin this trek, to take that first test that built my confidence when I passed the first time. You made rules forcing me to study daily, and rewarded me for doing so. You believed in me, quietly, unwaveringly. You supported me, encouraged me, and gave me very real help in my schoolwork. Your pride in me now humbles me, my Love, even as it motivates me to be the best teacher I can be, to do the best job I can do, and most importantly, to strive to make a difference in the life of a child who has special needs. If I can help them learn to believe in themselves even half as much as you have helped me to believe in myself, then I will be proud.

I have said this before, Padrone, and I will say it forever. I could never have done this without you. You have given me a blueprint for helping my students, far more than any class or book ever could have. Care for them...love them....accept them where they are....believe in them....expect them to do their best....motivate them to strive for their goals....and show them how proud of them I am when they accomplish something difficult.

Because of you, Padrone, I will be a wonderful, wonderful teacher. I love you, my darling Padrone. You truly are my Hero.

Great News!

2011-07-08T07:50:00.000-05:00

I finally got a job! I am, pending approval of the local school board (which will happen on Monday night, and is a formality, but a necessary one), I am now a Special Education teacher in a school district almost an hour's drive from here. I am almost wiggling with excitement!

Daughter is improving, although I am concerned with sharp pains in her legs and am calling the doctor today about it. I realize that pain can be a good sign, especially with a back injury, but these are new pains and that, in my book, is something to check with the doctor regarding. So, while I am not obsessing about it, I'm aware, concerned, and calling to alleviate my concerns.

I am way behind on my schoolwork too. Anybody want to do a Literature Review for me? *teasing, mostly - lol* But my professors are THE most understanding people, other than Padrone, I have ever met in my life. So I have to type a position paper that was due on Wednesday night at midnight and turn it in this weekend, and the rest of the stuff I am almost pretty well caught up on. I was feeling a lot of pressure because my daughter's next appointment was scheduled for July 21, and since we won't know until then whether or not she'll have to have surgery, I was planning on getting all my work done before then. But the appointment was rescheduled for the 28th, so I have that extra week which will be nice.

And Padrone....

What can I say? When I sent the text to him saying daughter had been in an accident and we were heading to a larger hospital than our rural town's...from that moment onwards, he has had nothing but concern and patience for my daughter and myself, respectively. I am really tired from the demands of her limitations even as she heals (probably more tired now since it is the interruptions of resting/relaxing that are draining now rather than the constancy of her needs), and Padrone is concerned about that as well as about daughter's situation. His famous patience is really much needed in this time, and my gratitude for his understanding is just overwhelming at times.

And what is so wonderful is something that I have been planning on blogging about for a while but got a bit sidetracked...

The D/s aspects of our relationship are far less....formal, maybe? They aren't the most obvious things about our relationship, although they are still there and going strong and extremely fulfilling. (and even Padrone's patience and understanding have been an overt show of his Dominance, because he has show in so many ways how much he loves me and cares about my well being...and he is meeting my needs by being the man he is if that makes sense...) But even though it was D/s that brought us together, and is a major part of our relationship, the more it becomes simply a natural expression of who we are and how we feel about each other, the happier we are individually and as a couple.

And yes, I can say with all confidence, that we are both happy.

Padrone, I have said before, and I will say many times in the future I am sure, that I am incredibly grateful for who you are. I cannot express how much your support has bolstered me during the past few weeks especially, but really even from the time I took a tiny little baby step into this life-altering step of becoming a teacher. I remember clearly the rule for me to spend an hour a day studying for my tests, and permission to use the comfortable chair as a reward for doing so. I remember the tears and the stress and the obsessiveness of last summer when I was totally overwhelmed because I had gotten in over my head but still somehow managed to learn to swim. I have called you so often, high with the thoughts of a positive interview, and bummed out and discouraged from being overlooked for a job yet again. I remember even Wednesday of this week, after the interview, calling and feeling very positive about the job but almost scared to hope. I remember your steady outlook, the positive way you see things, and the way just talking with you helped steady my emotions so I could once again focus on what I needed to do.

I can say with all honesty that I would never have even attempted what I have done if it weren't for you, Padrone. You believe in me, and that has taught me to believe in myself. That, my love, is what has made my life so much better...and it is all due to you. I will never be able to express what it means to me to be the woman you have chosen, the woman you love, the woman you own. I love you with all that I am, and all I will ever be. I am yours.

Quick Personal Update

2011-06-22T09:29:00.002-05:00

On Monday, our anniversary, my daughter had a car accident and while the vehicle she was driving sustained little damage, it was airborne and slammed to the ground with enough force to cause compression fractures in two of her vertebrae (Think Dukes of Hazzard). In short, she broke her back (not a bad break, no paralysis involved as long as she is careful as it heals). We are still in the hospital, with some hope of coming home today but personally I think she should stay another night. We'll see what the professionals say though.

She will be wearing a brace for a couple of months, with a checkup after a month to determine if the worst break (in the most important vertebrae, L1) is healing at the right angle or not. If it isn't, then she'll require surgery. I sure hope it does.

No, even though she is a teenager, she wasn't texting and driving. No she wasn't drinking. And yes she was wearing her seat belt. Had any of those been a factor, she may not even be here now.

But she will be alright. Other than the back injury she is fine. She is in a lot of pain, but that will ease eventually as the bones heal. She needs help with everything she does other than changing the tv channel, but even her brother is being helpful and even *thoughtful* towards her - and it was *his* truck that was wrecked!

So I have more on my plate than usual. Padrone knows and understands of course, and is being absolutely wonderful throughout all of this, and it never crossed my mind that he wouldn't be. I'll still be here, since she won't need me all the time, nor will she want me around all the time. I still have school, and since I don't yet have a job, I am able to stay home with hear easily.

Padrone, thank you for understanding and supporting me through this crisis, as I know you will throughout the entire process. I am, believe it or not, all out of mushy words, except to say that, even when I cannot show it, you mean more to me than you will ever know. I am yours.

For Padrone

2011-06-19T20:18:00.001-05:00

There are so many things I could type about tonight. Many of them I likely will, I am sure, even if I plan to keep this short and sweet.

Tomorrow, June 20, is the 6 year anniversary of the day I begged for Padrone's control. No, it isn't the anniversary many celebrate; usually that is of a collaring or a wedding or something like that. But this is the date of the true beginning of our relationship. Since it is almost Padrone's 3 am now, it *is* June 20 where *he* is. I always type on my time, but this time I hope to surprise him when he first gets online Monday.

Padrone, that day our conversation began like any others, I am sure. Maybe we scened, maybe we just chatted, getting to know each other better, I don't remember. I do remember that I felt that tingling sensation that happens when you feel very Dominant, so it did not surprise me when you said that you were having difficulty not extending your control into my "real life". Those words sent a shock of need through me that to this day I cannot describe. I hesitantly, and I hope respectfully, asked for you to not restrain yourself any longer, if that is what you wanted. You pondered....and said that if I truly wanted it...I would ask in the ancient manner...three times, giving myself plenty of time to think about it, to really think about what I was asking for. And I did.

Today, my Padrone, the gratitude for what we have, for who you are, for who I have become, overwhelms me. I find myself yearning for new, more expressive ways to show that gratitude. I have offered all I can, all I am, to this man who is worthy of so much more. To know that I am the one who holds his heart is humbling, yet it fills me with joyful abandon.

None of this is what I meant to say in this post, but it will do.

And the beauty of what we have? We don't simply love each other, we *like* each other too. It isn't that we are best friends, because we don't feel friendship for each other...it is different. I see us growing old laughing at life, holding hands as we walk through the stores, simply enjoying each other's company for the rest of our lives. So yes...maybe we *are* like best friends.

Padrone, 6 years. 6 long, short, wonderful, beautiful, stressful, joyful years I have been yours. We are changing, growing, independently and together, and we keep getting better and better and better....

How sweet it is, Padrone, to be loved by you:

I Need You

2011-06-12T20:03:00.000-05:00

I need you, Padrone.

I need the structure you provide in my life, for my behavior; I need the expectations you have of me not only as your slave but as a mother, as a woman, as your love.

I need your way of looking at things, and your ability to see the trees in spite of the forest.

I need your limiting me to not speak of my school except within the restrictions you set forth.

I need your help as I learn how to shift gears from obsessive student to your slave without driving us both insane.

I need your strength, your steadiness, your steadfastness, your constancy.

I need your patience. Yes, I will say that one again. I need your patience.

Padrone, I need the control only you can exert in my life.

I need the physicality of our relationship.

I need the release of "it all" that only you can grant me.

I need your clarity of vision. I need your ability to relate seemingly unrelated things in a way that not only makes sense but brings surrounding ideas and thoughts into focus as well.

I need your laughter, your happiness, your underlying joy at owning me, at having me in your life.

I need our conversations about your "boring" days.

I need your routine. I need to know that you will be there. I need to count on you.

I need your shoulder. I need your encouragement. I need your belief in me.

Again, I will repeat that.

I need your belief in me.

I can do nothing in my life without you believing in me, Padrone.

And, because you do, I can do anything.

Thank you for needing me to need you. I told you when we met that the depth of my need had scared many men away.

Thank you for needing me just as deeply.

I am yours, now and forevermore.

Simply, irrevocably, yours.

I Don't Write Erotica

2011-05-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

Well, every now and then I will write something by request, or extremely rarely I will write something because I want to.

But I just don't write it.

It isn't because I don't feel it or because I don't know what to type about. I don't type about it because of the vulnerability factor, I think...not only because what I type comes from my own fantasies, or putting my "spin" on his fantasies, but also because I don't know how or if I have accomplished the goal of at least mentally arousing the person who reads it.

So I just don't often write.

I can. And I can write well, actually. I know it, but every time someone else reads my words, I feel as nervous as I was the first time it happened.

And so what do I do with all those thoughts, emotions, fantasies, experiences that were living in my mind and were clamoring for expression?

Well, let's just put it this way: I can type a very erotic, stimulating, scene with Padrone.

What we do, now and then, is that I will type a scene based on whatever Padrone wants/needs at the time. For instance, he may want my pain and then to cum in my ass after it had been beaten. He may want a simple blow job. He may want an intimate, emotional experience. Or he may want a whore with plain old sex. I will type it, oftentimes adding to it using my imagination to add the perfect mix of ingredients to entice Padrone to a forceful, satisfying orgasm. I do the typing so he *can* cum, because as we all know, a man can't cum while typing. He's busy enjoying, which is the entire purpose anyway.

I usually do a pretty darn good job, if i do say so myself. It is as if I can sense his need, and it feeds my imagination.

It's hard at times, because I have to type both sides, Dom and submissive. That can be difficult, since I honestly don't really understand the Dominant mindset. I think that, when I get into the focused intensity that I get into when typing these scenes, I merely type what *I* need as a submissive. It's good that he has commented that I capture his feelings, now and then, because that means that our needs mesh on some pretty basic levels. That's always a good thing.

And it's also hard at times because there are times when my own needs kind of feel forgotten. Not that my sexual needs are that strong lately, but the submissive needs, the needs for control and use...those can really impede my ability to take on the dual role necessary in this type of scene.

It's incredibly intense, amazingly focused, and pure, raw emotion.

It drains me.

And so, I don't write erotica. But I do write erotically, when Padrone wants and needs me to. Except tonight. But that's between the two of us, and it's alright.

Padrone, I hope I didn't type too much, too personally, in this blog post. But it hit me the other day that I type in a very sexual way, but I couldn't define it as erotica. I know it makes no difference whatsoever, so what this does is help me to get the thoughts that rattle around in my brain, out of my brain. :)

I am so glad, Padrone, that what we have is so fulfilling in every way. I love serving you, you know that. I love when we scene online. I love when you use me. I love when you make my life "interesting". I love when we talk, when we are able to experience things together and hear the pleasure. I love you, Padrone. I am so yours.

I'm so happy

2011-05-15T19:52:00.000-05:00

So i've been thinking. Surprise surprise. :)

It's been a few weeks since Padrone ended the punishment aspect of our relationship (for the most part, of course if i'm deliberately disobedient or rebellious that's a different story entirely, as it should be. I have felt surprisingly little guilt, although i do get hit with it now and then, it's mostly because i wasn't sure where Padrone's thoughts were on it more than anything else. So tonight i asked him - lol. He said "i'm alright" which didn't really give me anything more than that he is alright with it, so while i do feel better that he isn't resentful of what might be seen as a sacrifice at worst, or even a compromise i guess....i think i had hoped to hear that my more relaxed state of mind (which shows, i know because i asked *that* too! :D ) made him glad and that it was worth it to have me so happy and content and at peace. But i didn't hear that, which is cool....and Padrone is alright.

And i'm sure that little niggling thought will niggle its way back into the forefront of my mind at some point in time, but for now it doesn't matter at all. Padrone is alright with it, and i am...happy.

And, an unexpected result is that i am at peace. i have found myself not worrying so much over little things. And i didn't have a clue why until just a few minutes ago.

My personality is as a giver. I offer. I'm thoughtful. I try to anticipate needs and even desires, and work to meet them as best i can. And so now there is a different mindset for me, and it is just a little bit hard to explain.

What is expected of me hasn't changed. What has changed is the shift from....obedience or "else", to a simple "here's what I want you to do". He knows, he TRUSTS, that i will do all i can in order to give him what he wants from me. He finally has come to the place where he can accept that, without having unnatural consequences attached to my mistakes. He realizes that when i don't meet expectations, it is because of a mistake or unforeseen circumstances that prevent me from doing so. He knows that i am not deliberately disobedient, and so he has come to a place of being able to express that trust in my obedience, in my very nature, by dropping the punishment (mostly).

When i can't be online, i try very hard to let him know why. If i'm late, i try to give advance warning. It isn't always possible, like when i had company that just would not leave the other evening. It's rude to text in front of company so i had to use a trip to the kitchen for iced tea as a text-stop. But it was *after* i was supposed to be there already, and i hated that but...it was so nice to know that Padrone knew it was unavoidable.

And you know...it is the formal expression of that trust that has freed me from the worry, i think. i don't obsess about counting minutes or panic if i am late texting because i know that Padrone understands that it will happen now and then, and that i still text as much as i am supposed to (or more sometimes) even though i don't have to write lines anymore if i miss a text. Being released from the constant pressure of "do it or else" (Padrone is NOT a big bad guy, but if i feel as if my behavior is being judged, then imperfections are unacceptable to me, so the "or else" was HUGE in my mind)....that release has released at least a part of that perfectionism, which has shocked the STEW outta me, let me tell you!

It's like....i can express myself in my natural way, by offering what is most pleasing to Padrone....the reason for giving isn't to avoid consequences, it is given because Padrone wants it, plain and simple. The consequences weren't the driving force behind my obedience before, by any means, but the threat was always there. The constancy of that didn't allow me to focus on anything other than the tasks at hand...

And to think that all of this came about because i made a B on an assignment and laughed about it, rather than obsessing over it! That is SO not like me that i had to ponder why!

Now i can focus on the emotions, the submission, the intimacy that Padrone yearns for. I don't even have to focus on them, they are just there. And it is so wonderful.

I feel free, Padrone. Free to express all that I am, and all that you love so much about my submission....I am free to love and to submit and to serve and to please you ... more free than i have ever been before. i am free from the worry over the small things, free from the guilt when i wasn't perfect, free from the guilt i felt for resenting the threat of punishment, and free from at least a bit of the burden of perfectionism that i have carried with me for years.

I am free because you expressed trust in me, Padrone. You freed me with your knowledge that i will do as i am supposed to do simply because you trust who i am.

That, my Love, is an amazing statement, and one that i hope i never give you reason to regret. i love you, Padrone. And the gratitude that i feel for you, the joy, and peace in my heart ... i can never fully express. There are no words...other than thank you. And i am yours.

A Week of Surprises

2011-05-13T21:21:00.000-05:00

So, this week has been slam full of surprises, some good, some not so good, but it has definitely not been boring!

I will tell about my surprises in my work/school/home life, then talk about our relationship. They are often intertwined, but not always of course. But this week, the work/school/home life has interfered with our time together, and I *hate* when that happens because I value every moment with Padrone. Oh well, like he says, we have all the time in the world.

So on with the boring part of my blog, the part that many will skip over - lol. Work - I still don't have a job but there are prospects. I have an interview next Wednesday at a small junior high school 35-40 minutes away. The school district is small itself - one "lower" elementary, one "upper" elementary, one junior high school, one high school. The school is small as well, of course. It has a community feel to it, and since it is in the next town north of me, and since I don't know folks from up there, it will take them a while to try to involve me in the politics inherent in any school system. And it will take them a while longer to understand that I don't play those games. XD

But I have interviewed in my local town, and have been told that there is another position in this district as well, so who knows? And a town south of me also has the possibility of a job opening, and the principal of the high school sounded very excited to know that I am ready to be certified in Special Ed! All in all, FAR more encouraging than last year, for sure.

As far as school is concerned, I just finished another semester, and I not only made As in both of my classes, but my English professor asked if she could use one of my papers as a sample for future classes since it was exactly what she was looking for! So I am very proud of my accomplishments academically ... with good reason, as it happens...

Wednesday of this week I found out that, even though I have not yet taught for a year as is a listed requirement, since I have completed the course work for the alternate licensure program, I am eligible to apply for the Masters program in Special Education. And so I began on Wednesday evening, calling and begging folks to write letters of reference for me and submitting them as soon as possible (I hope to enroll in the summer session, so there is a *major* time crunch). All of them said they would, and indeed they did. I received a list of required information yesterday via email, and today I sent everything they needed. The graduate advisor for Special Education was amazed that I got it done so quickly, but it is as I told her - I am extremely motivated here. There is still an issue of time, so I'm praying that everything falls into place and I can be admitted and enroll in classes this summer. If so, then it is my expectation that at the end of August 2012 I will be wearing a cap and gown again, and yes, this old mama WILL walk across the stage just like the younguns do!

So, daughter's car is broken down again. After doing some checking, it seems a distinct possibility that the fuel pump that was put on it (twice) (don't ask) was not the right one. Of course, she has to have a vehicle that the parts are different depending on what month in the year it was made, sheesh! We'll see. It might be a wiring thing instead, and if it is, then I'll probably sell that booger and get her something else. But again, we'll see.

But that meant that we're down to one vehicle, since my car is STILL in the shop and has been for months now. So we're taking daughter to work and running errands and then going to pick her up in son's truck. He also started a new job tonight, so it got even *more* complicated. And of course, the wheel bearing went out in it the other day, to the tune of $300. But it was fixed and after a new radiator cap, seems to be running fine. Knock on wood.

But all of those things have simply made life crazy. Daughter getting her senior portraits taken, then driving to pick up the CD with the pics on them (absolutely gorgeous, btw, and I know you have to take my word for it, but...do) took time away from Padrone. Their grandma coming to visit took time one evening. Having to take her to work early took time away. And being busy gathering up all of my stuff, typing an essay and a letter of intent (what *is* the accepted format for a letter of intent to apply to grad school, anyway?), and having 1000 things on my mind has taken attention away from Padrone.

And so tonight....

Tonight was special, but it really was nothing special. We simply "hung out" together. We joked, teased, I flirted, he mumbled....laughing and smiling and simply enjoying each other. It was absolutely wonderful. I often imagine being in the same room with him, sighing dramatically in a teasing way when he flips on a scifi movie, grinning up at him and grabbing a book so I can ignore the movie and still enjoy being with him. Nothing special, just being together.

That is how I envision our life together, moments in time. I even picture being irritable and feeling grumpy and not wanting to do what I'm expected to do, so I am not living in a fantasy world by any means. But let's face it, if we can fuss and fight like we do at times, and we live across the ocean from one another, can *anyone* believe that we wouldn't if we lived together?

I am just so fortunate to have a Master who not only wants me to improve my education, but who wants it knowing that it will keep me busy still. He understands that life isn't always going to allow me to wait for him online as he loves, and I do not take advantage of that understanding nature - although this week it has happened fairly often, it has been through no fault of my own. But tonight I was thinking, as I was waiting for him....now and then it makes me feel special...anticipating his entrance....the smile I would hope he would have...to know that he was there simply for me, no matter how social we may be with others....I am the reason he is there...he comes there to spend time with me...

And I melt.

Padrone, I don't always feel that way, of course. But I treasure the knowledge of who I am in your life, and I love when I see it in new and different ways. Thank you for teaching me to look for the ways you show your love for me, and not to look for ways I would show it. I adore you, my Padrone. I am yours.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T13:50:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day from this American mom to any mother who happens upon this blog! I know we don't all celebrate on the same day, but that just makes it more fun when we get well wishes on several days of the year, I think - lol.

I am blessed to be the parent of two wonderful young adults (ack!). I can't imagine life without them, and seeing them grow into wonderful young man and woman has been the most beautiful and fulfilling thing I have ever experienced. I am so grateful that having these two kids allowed me to become a mother. The first thing that I ever felt self confident about was being a good mom. I am grateful for the opportunity to be mom to the two most wonderful kids in the world!

Here are a couple of songs that make me think of them. First, son. This song isn't like how he is as a person, for the most part, but every time I hear it I think of him for some reason. Maybe it is because it was his first "favorite song" several years ago, and he would grin every time we heard it. Anyway, here it is:

And the one that most makes me think of daughter, again probably because she used to sing it almost constantly (not to mention that the "bubbly" part is quite descriptive of her personality):

Padrone, thank you for allowing me to spend time with them this morning, having a nice breakfast and a nice, peaceful morning. I love how you show your love for me, Padrone. I am one lucky woman. I am yours.

Good Times

2011-05-06T12:25:00.000-05:00

Things are good. i am learning to relax, at least a little, within the confines of our relationship. i am happy, and i think Padrone is happy about that.

i don't *think* i have relaxed in terms of doing what he expects of me, though. i honestly think that i don't obsess about it so much, but i do what i'm supposed to do anyway. It is the lack of obsessing that has created a calmness inside me that i am truly enjoying. And i am also truly, deeply, grateful for Padrone's change of our dynamic.

i knew that it would make an impact on me, and on my way of expression my submission. But i never dreamed that it would be so *positive*. i don't feel guilty, although i do have moments of wondering if Padrone really wants these changes. But i eventually figure out (repeatedly, of course, since i don't seem to ever learn things the first time!) that if he didn't want it that way he would change it once more!

And so, i have shocked myself with the lack of guilt. i think it may have surprised Padrone as well. But truly, the pressure of performing, of living, to a standard of perfection or be punished for it, was likely the most stressful thing in a life filled with stress. And i honestly never realized it until just the past few months. i began to resent, and that is when i knew something needed adjustment. Of course, i assumed it was me! :)

And so, life is good in our relationship. In other news, i have to turn in my last paper in one class today, and finish a last project in the other one by Monday, and then i am finished for a couple of weeks. i am signed up for a minisession for half days for two weeks, beginning a week from Monday, but i don't know if i will have transportation or not. We'll see. If not, i'll just add another class over the summer, so it's really not a big deal in the scope of things.

And that's what is new in the life of this schiava.

Padrone, i don't know if my actions, my attitude, has revealed all of the things i talked about here, or not. i know i have told you of my gratitude, but i don't know if you can tell in other ways. i hope so. i hope that the emotions somehow show through even if my actions remain the same. i can't ever tell you enough just how much your willingness to look at what works and what doesn't, means to me....especially when you just say "it doesn't work, let's get rid of it", and it doesn't seem like a major big deal to you. i love you, more than i can ever say, my Padrone. i am yours.

Back to our regularly scheduled relationship

2011-05-01T14:08:00.001-05:00

There have been so many changes happening lately, in our relationship. It has been stressful, scary, but oh so good.

The focus of the relationship, while still very much D/s based, is shifting. The recent rules change reflected that, as well as discussions and er...upsets...we've had as well. So many misunderstandings, communication suddenly more difficult as stated desires, expectations, hopes, change.

Change is stressful, but we know it is all good. Some of the changes are taking us out of the realm of traditional D/s i guess, but it is right for us. We are still very much D/s, and our interactions will always be because of our personalities if nothing else. But we both want the more formalized "official" D/s, even though we will personalize it even more as we go along.

We've been together for almost 6 years now. We have grown in more ways than i could ever have imagined, for us to not have met face to face yet. We have gotten older, wiser if you will. We have each changed in terms of circumstances and personality. We have grown as individuals, and more importantly, as a couple.

All of that means that there have been lots of changes lately, and i am sure there may be more coming in the not-too-distant future as well. We have both acknowledged a need, and a desire, for more intimacy in each other's daily lives. I mentioned that in a previous post, but I'll just briefly touch on it again. He wants to know more details about my life....my school, my interests, my passions, my mundane life. I want to know how much he needs me, misses me, thinks about me during his day. The two needs are for the same thing, merely expressed in a different way (think Mars and Venus here). His need for intimacy is in being part of my daily life. Mine is in knowing that I am in his mind even more than i recognized before.

But changes aren't easy to implement at times. It is as i said to Padrone, i have been doing the things that i have spent a long time learning pleased Padrone...well, for a long time. When he first started these changes, he simply said that he had discovered that his needs ... what he wants out of the relationship ... have changed. He simply said he wanted more intimacy. He had reviewed his needs, and my rules, my framework, and who i am...my submission, my heart, my love for him and doing my best to please him...and decided that some of the things he used to want from me weren't what he wanted any longer. I kind of freaked out a bit, I admit, but part of that was how it was related to me, and part of it was that it signaled changes that I wasn't sure I understood. That's kind of a scary thing.

That was a few weeks ago. More recently we have had some other discussions, some rather heated, and they all seemed repetitive. He couldn't understand why I was thinking of the same things over and over again, and I had a misconception of what was important to him after all. And so I obsessed about failing and being punished for something that I would only miss if something unavoidable happened to prevent me from doing it. Even a mistake, like forgetting something that prevented me from being online at a specific moment in time, would be unavoidable. Guess what. That happened to turn into a major discussion, for some reason. But the reality is that if i am punished for making a mistake, then i am punished for being human. And sometimes negative consequences aren't negative consequences simply because they are not related to the mistake itself. In other words, if i go shopping and forget something i absolutely must have, then the negative consequence is that i go back to the store to get it. It would be inconvenient, making me a frustrated, irritated with myself, woman....but not punishment. However, if I forget something and have to go to town before the pharmacy closes and miss the specific time i'm supposed to be online with Padrone, then the natural negative consequence is decreased time spent with him. Adding lines or any other negative action would do nothing more than to make me feel worse for making a human mistake, and actually....for me....increases my drive for perfection in myself. I will do all I can to prevent punishment. When it is a true mistake, it is so difficult to accept that i deserve to be punished for it.

And so we talked about that, quite a bit. After our discussion of this morning I think that part of his ideas regarding punishment/consequences is due to his catholic upbringing. I am in NO way disparging Catholics, not by any means. But when one considers the idea of confession and atonement, and that they aren't necessarily related to the actual sins one is confessing, then it makes sense that the disconnect of relevance of consequence to mistake has a different meaning for Padrone than it does for me.

But all of the "why" doesn't really matter. Padrone has officially dropped punishment for mistakes. I am only to be punished if I willfully disobey or rebel against his authority and control.

And so, to people on the outside looking in via the snapshots of our relationship and my life that these blog posts grant, it may look as if the D/s is fading....but it is as I told Padrone when I, so gratefully, thanked him for this particular change...this will help ease so much of my internal pressure, and free me to ... relax and be myself....and not feel so pressured to be perfect or suffer consequences....

Padrone, I have no idea if any of this makes sense or not. All I know is that this change is easing my mind, so far. I ... finally feel that you fully trust that I am doing my best to do what you expect and want from me.

Wherever this leads us, it will be nothing but good. Padrone, change is always stressful, but the changes will bring us to a place that is better than we have ever been before. I love you, my Padrone. I feel more yours than ever before.

In Search of Treasure (or a job, same difference at this point)

2011-04-25T14:29:00.000-05:00

So I have been job hunting again. I'm once more looking for a teaching position in Special Education, but this year I am far more prepared than I ever have been before. That's most definitely a good thing since I have put in long hours, much effort, and a few tears in order to be that prepared!

I went to the local school district office today. I had mailed applications all over the place in neighboring counties and within a strict, but doable, driving distance. But somehow I had neglected to apply locally. One reason is that I don't do political types of games, and I happen to know several teachers here and I don't want to get involved in "taking sides" or even in plain old gossip sessions. I may like you, but I won't gossip with you.

Anyway, when I went in, one of the women at the front desk was a friend of mine. Actually I wouldn't classify us as friends but as more than acquaintances, since we spent many long hours at the ball fields together when her girls and mine, and her son and mine, all played ball in the same leagues. I congratulated her on her daughter's behalf for earning academic honors, and then gave her the application packet I had put together. She asked if I had spoken with the SPED director for our county schools, and recommended that I take the same packet to her. So I thanked her nicely and sincerely and drove straight over there.

Not sure how much of an impression I gave wearing shorts, sandals, and a t shirt, but at least the t shirt is one of my alma mater which happens to be a prestigious school in our neck of the woods! I honestly didn't expect her to be in her office, so I was very surprised when her secretary said to go on back.

I handed her my packet and listed what was included. She looked over it all quickly and told me to call the principals of two of our schools, and make appointments to see them as soon as possible. I was excited, and thanked her, and then I just happened to ask if she could think of anything that I might want to include in my packet for them. So she gave me some very good suggestions, one of which was to discuss things that have worked for me in the classroom in terms of management. That really made me feel good because it was a direct reference to my one week in the classroom back in the fall where I took a class of 5 unruly boys and had them behaving within a couple of days...and not only behaving but enjoying themselves and each other!

I impressed her, and she let me know it, and that has me floating at the moment. As if you couldn't tell!

Anyway, right now I am waiting for return calls from principals (or their secretaries, I'm not picky) to set up appointments. I am going to print off lesson plans that I have created for class assignments which will show that I do know how to write them using the DOE Frameworks for our state. I am going to print of resumes and Praxis score reports, since I gave her my last copy of each of them. And I am going to get an email address for each of them if I can and send a link to my website that Padrone built for me which includes my philosophy of education, classroom management plan, sample letters to parents, etc. I will also print some of that off, probably a condensed version of my philosophy of education.

I'm realistically excited about this, frankly. I understand that these openings do not mean that I have a job, by ANY means! But what it *does* mean is that the timing is right for getting my applications in, for getting my name known in whatever school district I may be applying for. Now is the time that the districts are learning about openings, and are aggressively working to fill them. And this year, I am ready...qualified, eager to learn more as evidenced by my continuing in school, and available. And I have not procrastinated and sabotaged myself out of consideration.

Padrone, thank you for allowing me to continue in school even after last summer's major stress. It is benefiting me in practical ways now, since the lesson plans I did last semester will be the ones I print and provide as examples of my ability to write them. I made As, so I know they are good!

Padrone, I am excited...not totally because of this specific potential, but more because of the combination of things that have taught me that I am ready to teach. I am not simply hopeful, but I am ready. Emotionally, intellectually, mentally....I am ready in all the ethereal ways, not simply in the practical ways. But believe it or not I am also ready there as well!

Thank you, my Love. Thank you for supporting, encouraging, and bugging me when I didn't want to think about doing anything anymore. Padrone, the day I sign my contract, you will likely be able to hear me yell all the way across the ocean! And I truly, honestly, believe that it is going to happen this year.

I am going to hush this now, and stem the flow of words for once. I love you, Padrone. I simply, totally, gratefully love you.

Mighty Morphin' Power....Relationship?

2011-04-19T13:28:00.000-05:00

For those of you who may not have a clue what the Power Rangers are, or their show "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers!", my apologies for the incomprehensible title.

For those who can move beyond the title....well, you get a gold star!

Anyway....

Our relationship has been going through some changes recently, as we have each been changing. Sometimes it is difficult to recognize true change in one's needs and desires when it can be attributed to other factors and seem like a temporary shift. And this is especially true when the feelings have risen and fallen in the past, when they seem a bit cyclical i guess.

So when Padrone changed my rules, he did so for a very, very wonderful reason. The problem is that i had no clue what that reason was, so it seemed to me as if he was....decreasing his control in my life. Now, realistically, that would not be an issue in and of itself because of so many things that i do that he controls, and also because he has the authority to control what and as he wishes. But these things were things he had always, in the past, indicated that he enjoyed that i did for him.

So i had no idea why, and he couldn't understand my reaction, and since he thought something negative and i also thought something negative, it turned into a major, major issue. Things were said that were only half-formed thoughts, giving inaccurate impressions, but we weren't in a place to even know ourselves that we weren't sure of what we were thinking and/or feeling. But we eventually patched the hole in the relationship and limped along until we had an opportunity - time, energy, and motivation - to discuss it in depth.

That was yesterday morning. And after that conversation .....

We are stronger than ever. We are most definitely on the same page now. We value each other so much, and the intimacy that such emotion creates is what Padrone has realized he needs more than any other type of thing from me. And i have kind of always been that way, although of course we will still need the physical expressions of D/s. The emotional aspects have always been far more important to me.

I am looking for ways to show Padrone more and more just how much he is with me. Often i will take pics with my phone of little things...honeysuckles blooming on the vines lining my driveway...the overwhelming amount of food at church homecoming the other day....the puppies... me in my new contacts....and i think that is a good way to begin. I text every hour, and i am trying to include more and more details when i do text. The communication is what is vital, and it is finding new ways to do so that will enhance and increase our intimacy.

i tell Padrone so much minutae of my life, and yet he says he loves it. i even have him saying "Roll Tide" now and then! (and *i* love *that!)

And so it seems as if our relationship is morphing, shifting its focus onto what we each need so deeply, to give ourselves the opportunity to express it as fully as possible.

Padrone, i have oversimplified here, i know, but i have never been one to give elaborate details about our life together in this blog. You and i both know what we need, no matter what we call it, and i am so grateful for what we have. Being able to talk with you as we did yesterday is a precious gift, Padrone, and i will never take it for granted.

i love you, my wonderful, wonderful Padrone.

Beware! Beware! Be a very wary bear!

2011-04-17T13:09:00.000-05:00

So we recently went through a little rough patch. It was due to circumstances beyond our control, that put a lot of stress on the relationship itself - and while I realized it, I had hoped to wait a couple more weeks until the circumstances eased a bit before bringing anything up. It didn't work out that way, of course, and we had quite a time of ... unease.

We talked it out as best we could. There are things that we don't fully understand about each other's mental processes, even after all this time. And no matter how much submissives like to think their Masters know everything about them, the reality is that they understand that we are different, that we have reasons for our feelings and thoughts and behaviors...but they usually don't understand the reasons themselves. And vice versa.

Now, I admit to being a bit more aware, and far more wary, far more....unsure of myself, even when doing the same things that I know have pleased him for years. But when he says that he doesn't see evidence of my submission, only of obedience, and I'm doing the same things I've been doing for years, then I have to wonder what the issue is. Is it truly my attitude? Is it that the words have become stale and rote, no matter how hard I try to prevent that? Is it simply that he is taking the things I do for granted, and not seeing in them what he used to see? Is it that the "extra" things that I do that aren't necessarily required are no longer viewed with the same level or amount of submission they once were?

Or has my attitude truly changed, without my being aware of it?

All of these things are things that I have been focusing on for the last couple of weeks. We still have moments of wondering if all is well I think ... I *know* I do. I wonder if what I type or say or do is viewed in the manner it is meant, especially if I use the same wording on it that I always have. I wonder if he really does understand how hard it is or can be to vary how I type things when I have typed them for years. I wonder if he can *now* feel the emotions behind the words that he apparently couldn't feel a couple of short weeks ago. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

And, while I think I am easing up on myself just a bit, I know that I have regressed a bit in my confidence and my belief in my ability to please. I wonder about things I used to think I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt.

And I wonder if he feels the same. I doubt it, since he usually simply looks at what the situation is, and ponders it, sometimes for a good long time, and then changes what he feels needs to be changed. But he has changed since our "upset". So have the circumstances. So I am not totally sure how much of it was a conscious effort on his part, and how much of it was a natural reaction to changed circumstances. It doesn't matter. We are both doing better, and I think we are both still, as Pooh was instructed by his friends to be, very wary.

Padrone, I am glad, I am grateful, that we can talk things through eventually when we are upset with each other. I am grateful that you give so much, as much as I give, to this relationship and to me. I hate when we have misunderstandings, especially when they are due to miscommunications, but it happens in any relationship. I am so grateful that you know this with the instinct you call common sense. I wish I could fully express so many of the thoughts that are running through my mind, Padrone, but I am afraid this post will have to suffice. I love you, Padrone. I am, indeed, totally yours.

Escapism and expectations

2011-04-11T17:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure where this post will go, frankly. But it has dawned on me recently that many people tend to view a D/s relationship as an escape from their own reality. And it doesn't seem to matter which side of the *slash* one resides - escaping from reality seems to be a pretty universal goal of many in D/s.

Many of us submissives used escape as a defense mechanism during childhood abuse. Personally, it was a way of not only escaping what was going on with me, but also a way to prevent dealing with the emotions it created. My sense of self-worth was irrevocably tied to what happened *to* me, and not on my intrinsic worth. i became my experiences, rather than living through them with any sense of identity. It was inevitable, i understand that, and of course as a child i had no way of knowing what was going on.

Every relationship i have had since then has had the underlying feeling of temporariness to it, even this one until Padrone's patient and consistent behavior finally convinced me otherwise. It drove me crazy for a while, though, of course. But i was *used* to that uncertainty. That is all i had known for my entire life.

Every relationship i have ever entered into has had the expectation of "oh it will be perfect! he will love me forever and i will finally be worth something! i will deserve to be loved!"

Then the next phase ... justifiable criticism which i always tended to view as a rejection, not as a way to make my behavior more pleasing. It is incredibly difficult, because of the way i have always defined myself by my behaviors, to understand the difference between correcting a behavior and rejection of ME. The key was that the escape "bubble" burst, and the reality of my imperfections hit full force. It happens repeatedly, and while i have learned to prevent it through various ways and means, it can hit without warning at times. It can have devastating effects.

i can't escape from who i am, any more than i can morph into a different creature. My escapist tendencies created extremely high expectations of my behaviors and also extremely high expectations of my partner. I hoped for perfection, therefore we each had to BE perfect, see. It has always created problems in the past, but Padrone has taught me to view him, us, and myself (as much as possible) in a realistic way.

See...in my "dream life", i am the perfect partner. i love pleasing and serving, therefore i should *always* BE pleasing and show my enjoyment in serving. Realistically, i love pleasing and serving, but not every moment of every day. Sometimes i don't even want to OBEY. I am human. That's just the way it is.

I think that for many of us who have used escapism as a way to cope with the terrible things that happened to us as children, we have skewed views of reality. We don't know how to wait for relationships to develop ... we want what we want when we want it, simply because we found someone with whom we have an instant connection and we feel really, really good about it. We don't understand that going slow really does mean going slow, and not rushing anything. A few months, for me even a year or longer, is not long enough to prove that *this* relationship is real and forever. i don't trust easily....but i do trust easily....too easily...i trust to a degree, while holding back, hiding behind what were once unscalable walls...naive, gullible, and unrealistic....adjectives that have been used to describe me in terms of my relationships.

I see it in others as well...the craving for everything to be perfect....the desire for "the ONE", so strong and gnawing....the too-high expectations .... "love" that is "forever" after just a few months....

It just isn't realistic. Even now, Padrone and i are so hopeful that we are forever. But we also know that realistically....we haven't yet met. What if he doesn't like the way live? or even the way i smell or if my constant movements drive him crazy? And vice versa of course...living with someone is far different than the type of relationship we have now. But we also understand that many things can and should be overlooked when it comes to habits and behaviors.

i don't know really what i am getting at here. It is a little different than the typical "fantasy vs reality" D/s i type about, because i am not specifically talking about D/s here. i am talking about how escaping from the terrible reality of my abusive childhood into a place of "perfection" created issues for me that i have had to deal with, and probably *will* have to deal with for the rest of my life.

i thank God every day for my Padrone who can't always understand the why of my emotions or the emotional motivations for my behaviors, but who always understands the validity of those emotions and motivations even if he can't understand.

Even when i'm angry with him, or he is with me...and it's hard to remember that. The fears flood back in a rush, and it takes every ounce of self control I possess in order to wait for him to be in a place where talking through problems would be productive rather than counterproductive. I am often literally ill during this time, scattered mentally and emotionally. All my energy is focused on waiting, keeping myself from acting on my instinctive need to resolve the issue as soon as possible.

And i am learning, slowly, that issues aren't *always* because of my behaviors. Sometimes misunderstandings aren't my fault. Sometimes they are Padrone's. Sometimes they are nobody's fault. It's hard to let go of the guilt, of the...responsibility to FIX....that i have always, always carried with me. Responsibility for all the bad things, without credit for the good things, has been the story of my life. That is why some of the things you read here you may not understand or agree with. i have never had a healthy relationship in my life, except possibly with my kids, and i have to fight my instincts at times in order to be a good mom to them. I can, and have, even sabotaged those relationships as well.

But it is as my son says...Mom, i may not always agree with what you do or how you do things, but you're my mom. i will always love you. And my daughter is one of the least judgemental people you will ever meet, all while loving the God she believes in and living according to her interpretation of his word.

And so, i am learning how to have a healthy relationship from my kids.

What was the point of this blog post? I have no clue. All i know is that Padrone came into my life at the precise moment i could handle the demands and rigors of being his slave...and learn to accept that i deserve someone as incredible as this man as the man who owns me, and loves me, as well as he does. i am amazed, Padrone, at how far we have come, and how wonderful the future looks from my perspective.

i love you, Padrone. With all my heart.

Thorns

2011-04-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

Thorns

Needle sharp, unpleasant
Pain-creating images
Overwheming,
Overtaking the beauty
They were created to
Protect.

Defenders of souls
Inspiring wariness -
No need for closeness,
No desire for pain,
Despite the strong
Attraction.

Giving you my thorns,
Taking yours in return.
Thorns...our hurts,
Pain of our pasts...
Revealed, discovered,
Neutralized

By that most beautiful
Of all created things.
Valued and protected...
Attractive, sought-after,
Desired.....Needed....
Love.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2011-03-28T18:06:00.000-05:00

Well, i have new requirements. i almost typed "new rules" but actually some of the rules have been done away with completely so that is not accurate.

I am not restricted from use of furniture anymore, which means that (if i can remember) i can sit on the couch or the recliner without special permission, for longer than the hour a day i was allowed before. Of course, Padrone may restrict anything at any time, but as an ongoing rule, this one has been dropped.

So has the requirement that i wear my vibrating eggs when i go out. He said that he never used them to torment me, so he didn't see the use of me wearing them anymore.

My "first thing in the morning" rule has changed as well. Now i don't have to wear a brush "tail" and lap from a bowl (for which i am extremely grateful). Now i am to wear the cock dildo in my ass for 15 minutes every morning instead. This is a long, thick cock so it isn't an "easy" task swapped for a difficult one, but it isn't as humiliating so it will be easier in that way. Of course, having one's ass filled every morning is humiliating in and of itself, but not nearly as bad as what i *was* doing. For sure.

And the last change relates strictly to our communication. i am to be on IRC at certain times every day, waiting for him. i have known that he prefers me to be there waiting for him, but now and then i get busy elsewhere, either online or in "real life" and he has been the one waiting for me. And actually, this is the first time my being online at all, much less at a specific time, has been a requirement. i just realized that. Maybe that's why i kind of feel ambivalent about this rule. Maybe it's because i know i will break it now and then, simply because i am who i am.

But the other rules are ... i don't know, they are rules that i can kind of...well, wearing the cock, for instance...i choose when and where to do that. There is a bit of flexibility built into that rule, as there was the brushtail/lapping rule. And the other changes have been relaxing of rules, although from what was said this morning i expect more rules to be introduced when i have gotten used to these changes. More practical things, not simply things that Padrone says to do simply because he can.

But the last rule is one that is very, very specific. There is a specific time involved. i know that if i am there a minute or two late, now and then, it won't be a major issue...and he knows that i will be there at the right time as much as possible, because he knows me.

And, no matter what he says, i will beat myself up over the smallest infraction, especially if it is something like losing track of time, or a trip to town taking longer than expected, that is the reason for it.

So, loosening of some restrictions, changing some requirements, and adding a new rule altogether. Something very surprising to wake up to on a Monday morning, i must say!

Padrone, thank you for time to adjust to these changes, and thank you for being willing to talk about them when we can. i love you, Padrone.

Is D/s all there is?

2011-03-27T17:20:00.000-05:00

i have a lot of thoughts, just none well formed enough to type about here. I have opinions on things i have seen written in other blogs, and things that have been discussed in the IRC channel we frequent, but again, nothing firm enough to type about here.

Except maybe something i read about in a blog, which seems to have sparked some comments in other blogs. It is something that i have said here before, and something i believe very strongly regarding.

Nobody can live in a static D/s relationship 24/7/365.

Before anyone gets offended or angry, i will explain my reasons for saying it.

First, it is totally unfair to each other to expect that. Yes. Really.

It is unfair and unrealistic to expect a submissive to follow a set of rules and never make a mistake. It is unfair to punish for every tiny mistake she makes. It is unfair to set up a totally unrealistic expectation of absolute perfection in behavior, and often in "attitude" as well, and make the submissive feel like crap for every tiny infraction. It is unrealistic to expect a submissive to have to explain, at times in minute detail, the "reasons" behind every infraction, no matter how small it may be, or no matter that she had a last minute phone call and got distracted (i know, i know, the worst sin of them all, getting "distracted from Master's wishes"). It is unfair to have the belief that she has no other purpose in life except that which Master "wants her to have", as if her dreams and fantasies and desires are as under Master's control as her behavior may be.

Being a submissive is not fair, in most ways...

But neither is being a Master.

Let's face it, folks. No matter what it looks like from the outside looking into our dynamic, Masters do not have whatever they want, whenever they want it. Submissives tend to be a needy lot, with a ton of emotional baggage that can be a dead weight on any relationship. Masters need to be needed to solve problems, many of them have the "dragonslayer" need, which i find very nice indeed. But guess what? They, too, have intense pressure to be "ON" 24/7/365. Needs don't come and go on a whim, nor can they be turned off by a switch (or an order or command or even request), so when the submissive needs from the Master, then it is his "job" to help meet that need. No, i'm not talking physical needs here, or rather, not sexual needs. But we can't control when crises happen any more than we can control the weather. And if it rains we whip out our umbrella and voila - instant protection. We submissives tend to think we can do the same with our Doms....we need, we tell them of crisis, and voila - instant release from responsibility ... instant protection - and we can simply smile and let him handle whatever it is.

That, my friends, is as unrealistic as expecting a submissive to be perfect all the time. It isn't as generally acknowledged as a submissive's expectations, however, simply because a sub's punishment is both external and intrinsic, whereas Doms are allowed to simply be punished internally with no, or few, visible consequences. It often looks as if Doms are never punished, and sometimes they aren't because of the internal nature of it all.

Which brings me to my point, something i have said over and over again but which bears repeating now:

D/s is not a relationship. D/s is a dynamic by which a relationship is expressed, and if it is the ONLY means of expression, then the relationship cannot succeed.

There HAS to be "down time"...times when the relationship between man and woman is more important than whether or not the clothes have been put away or the magazines placed exactly the precise way Master wants them, and even more important than Master "never showing 'weakness' or admitting that he doesn't have all the answers.

Since our relationship is long distance, there is built in "down time", just as there is a strong and sturdy framework of rules for me to follow daily. But even if we were living together, i am absolutely confident that Padrone would not expect me to behave as someone who cannot think for her self at all since i know he doesn't like to micromanage. And it isn't micromanaging that is what i am referring to here, just so there is no misunderstanding.

He expects me to think for myself, but to actually "think" and not simply make a choice because one must be made. He has taught me, shown me tools that i never knew i possessed, that have allowed me to make far better, more well-thought-out decisions than i used to make. But he never made a conscious decision that he was going to teach me to think ahead more clearly, or make better decisions, or even to "give me the tools to live a better life" or whatever. I have changed a lot, done a lot of maturing and growing, yes. But it is due as much to the "rest" of our relationship as it is to the D/s, if not more. i know i am a good submissive. What Padrone has done to change my life more than anything else is to encourage me to believe that i am also a good woman. That is the most important ingredient of them all....our acknowledgement of, and love for, the "rest" of each other. Anyone can Dom/sub, but few seem to be able to maintain a highly successful, positive, HAPPY D/s relationship, without keeping the "rest" as a high priority, if not THE highest.

We can get so ... involved in being the best Master/slave we can be, that we can lose ourselves in the role we have chosen. If the only way we ever relate to our partners is within the D/s dynamic, then that is all our relationship becomes. That means that the Master is nothing more than Master..."instant Dominance, just add compliance to my will"....and the submissive becomes nothing more than submissive...."instant submission, just add orders, rules, and punishment".

i have said it before, and i will say it again. There are no perfect Masters, and no perfect slaves. Each role is very demanding and requires us to behave in ways we may not wish to behave at times, but....each role is just that... a role...a defined part for us to play within the entity that is the relationship.

And if the reason that there is only that type of relating to one another within a relationship is that you don't know if there *is* anything else, then maybe it is time to look beyond the titles into the people.

Padrone, i am so very, very grateful that you love me as the woman who gives her all to you, and not simply as a slave that obeys as best she can. And i am even more grateful that you understand clearly what i mean by that distinction.

i love you, my Master...my Padrone....my love.

Manic Sunday

2011-03-20T18:14:00.000-05:00

Not really, I just needed a title for a blog post and it popped into my head. Today has actually been rather relaxed and fun, even if stupid school assignments make me want to throw my computer through a window - lol.

I mean really. How many times do we have to prove that we know what a freaking discourse community is????

Anyway, I'm kind of worried since I am making As on everything and that class's final grade is based on improvement rather than each paper being weighed equally, and I honestly don't know what it will take to show improvement. But then again, I am a 46 year old woman with a degree already, and this course is designed for kids who were in high school last year. This is no more painfully obvious than by those students who think that quoting the "findings" of an article summarizing a study will make the teacher think they have read the entire article, or the student who makes the argument that "I didn't know nurses had dreams" and can't understand why the rest of the class doesn't take his "position" seriously!

My other class, on the other hand, seems to have some more serious students in it, so it is a lot more fun and interesting. I have an A in that class too, btw, so far. I've missed 4 out of 325 points, so I'm not complaining.

Anyway, I've also had a spring cold, coughing and sniffling and sore throat. That's all the symptoms though, so I don't feel as bad as I might if I had sinus pressure or fever or headache. Just chest congestion and related things, so it's not so bad.

So now my daughter and I are sitting at the lake near our town, under a picnic pavilion, while I do schoolwork and she transfers the photos she has just taken to her computer. It's peaceful and beautiful, quite warm and lovely with the dogwoods beginning to blossom and the sun at that gorgeous stage of mellowness.

And I'm happy.

Padrone, thank you for being patient with my grumpiness while I have been under the weather, and for loving me anyway. *kiss*

Being Used

2011-03-13T22:08:00.001-05:00

When i am used, i don't feel sexy. i know that Padrone enjoys me very, very much when i am in the throes of agony, need, or whatever he wishes for me to feel. i know he gets aroused so often, when i am lost in my surrender.

And i have seen that some girls seem to be able to do and feel sexy while they are in the midst of being used, even if it is harsh or humiliating or both.

But i don't.

And i am SO grateful that Padrone needs what i offer. i love that he loves using me. i love that he finds his sexual pleasure in my use. The control that he thrives on is SO powerful. That is the most arousing thing, mentally as well as physically....control...and totally releasing that control.

Yes, i do crave and enjoy the use - physically and mentally. God i have some amazing orgasms during his use. Or even if i'm not allowed to, i get the mental.... i don't know what the word is, the terminology, the way to explain the mental place that i go to, and the absolute RELEASE...of what though? Who knows? Who really cares?

But i do not feel sexy in any way or fashion. i don't feel as if i could do or say anything that would in any way be sexy or arousing or bring anyone to orgasm.

But Padrone loves when i am in tears, or begging, or screaming with pain, depending on his need from his slave at the moment. There have been times when i have done all of the above, and more. Who would ever imagine that a fuckpig squealing and drooling and sobbing with pain/suffering/ need/edge would bring anyone to fulfillment?

But, no matter my feelings, my lack of ability to feel or be sexy or sensual, Padrone uses me for his ultimate, utter, wonderful pleasure.

And Padrone, i must say that makes me feel loved, cherished, needed....and sexy as hell.

A few thoughts about D/s

2011-02-28T08:29:00.000-06:00

i'm in a strange mood i guess. Things that usually don't bother me are really bugging the stew outta me lately. i'm not talking about my life here, or our relationship, i am talking about ...

i think i am beginning to have a real problem with the romanticized idea of D/s that i see just about everywhere.

Frankly, the idea that "Master/Sir/Ma'am can fix it"....and that submissives can't think for themselves other than to "hear and obey"....no decisions, or wrong ones because only Master can make good decisions....ugh....that kind of stuff really irritates me.

Maybe it *is* because i am in a long distance relationship and a lot of my decisions i have no choice but to make myself. But frankly i honestly believe that my attitude stems more from the knowledge that mistakes are part of being human, and that nobody can live my life for me no matter how "romantic" that may sound in terms of D/s....but the biggest reason is the knowledge that if choices or rules or expectations affect me in a very detrimental way, then they will be changed.

Padrone respects me, my life, and my ability to do or to handle things. He is Master to *me*, specifically, and the only "generic" type of rule that he has, that he would have with any slave he controlled, is that i may not cum without his permission. Other than that, the rules aren't designed to turn me into his idea of a perfect slave. They are designed for him to exert control into my specific life, which will allow me to serve him in the best, most natural, and least stressful way possible.

Yes, now and then there is resentment. Now and then i would *love* a day of just getting in my car and driving....not thinking of requirements, merely offering what comes naturally....or even simply having a few hours of just....doing nothing for anyone....recharging my own batteries....of course there are those feelings, now and then.

i'm human.

And it is that last statement that Padrone understands so well. i am not simply "slave", to him or to anyone. There are many facets to me, and yes i am slave....but i am heard and seen and cared for and cared about and not only for my obedience to him, or when i show a good attitude. He respects my intelligence and my personality and loves me in spite of all my faults.

i don't expect him to be my "knight in shining armor", or SuperMaster, taking all my cares and responsibilities away. He is no CalgonDom, he is simply who he is. He does what he can, but he recognizes, wisely, that there are some struggles that he cannot prevent me from experiencing, and there are some choices he cannot make for me.

Sometimes i wish i could just let it all go and let someone else, anyone else, shoulder my burdens. But that is a temporary feeling, one that is fleeting and stress induced!

Padrone, you have taught me so much, and i am grateful for that. i am glad that you taught me to look beyond the facade of the "romanticized D/s" and see what living as a slave is really all about. i am grateful that you have shown me the true meaning of Master, no matter what or how much of my life you choose to control. Thank you, Padrone, for being consistent, for being constant, and for being steady...the strong stake in the ground for this flighty, skitterish horse to be tethered to. i adore you, my Padrone.

Obedience and judgmental behavior

2011-02-27T10:50:00.001-06:00

Lots of things going through my mind, some of which would make some of my readers very happy to hear, but which i doubt i will ever share. Some of the things are simply things i have to think through and try to come out the other end with a positive attitude about.

It's life.

i do try hard to keep a positive attitude about life in general, and about my submission specifically. It isn't always possible, and even when possible it isn't always easy to do so. We all know that. But i honestly believe that submission entails a huge measure of "doing it anyway", as i have discussed in previous posts.

Or it means changing lives, changing habits, to follow instructions. That is what i am dealing with at the moment, because Padrone has altered some of my rules and that is requiring me to alter the way i do things. The thing is, it's not a directive to actively *do* anything, it is more a *when* you do this, you will do this as well. So i find myself actively avoiding the doing of both, because the second is something that makes me feel very uncomfortable, physically. i guess it's human nature to do that, though. Avoidance i mean. i feel badly about it, but i honestly can't handle the required thing for very long at a time, and so the part i have a choice about, i will choose to do in short spurts rather than a long time, which is really a pain.

But it is what being a slave is. i absolutely disagree with those who say that if a submissive person doesn't *feel* submissive, then it isn't submission at all. For me, submitting means agreeing to obey another's rules and mandates. Obedience is not always pleasant, or convenient, or enjoyable, or even desired. There are times, like with this new requirement, that i would give anything to be able to avoid it altogether. No, it doesn't make me *feel* submissive to obey. It makes me feel resentful and childish, but what matters is not how i feel....or not to Padrone at least. What matters to him is how i act.

And i am acting in a way that will turn me into a major homebody, but maybe my house will stay cleaner that way, who knows?

But i am being obedient to his rules, all the while i am protecting myself from as much discomfort as possible. That is human nature. If given the choice, then i will choose to not make myself feel the way his requirement makes me feel, physically. Anyone would, i think.

In our chat room the other day there was a discussion that led into the topic of judging others.

Very interesting topic.

i have thought a lot about this for various reasons, and the best way i can think of to describe my thoughts about it is that we all judge one another, but we don't all act judgmental.

Again, it goes back to the idea that how i feel doesn't matter to others as much as how i *act*.

We all judge though. We judge out of a sense of self preservation, out of a need to define "normal" for ourselves, out of a desire to have people in our lives that meet our own needs. We would have no way of knowing who is best in our lives without judging their actions. And we also would not have any way of knowing who is not good to have in our lives without judging their actions as well.

A very pertinent example of this is the fact that you have chosen to read my blog today. Personally i am not sure what anyone gets from my words, but obviously some people enjoy what they read here - it benefits them in some way even if only to entertain them. And i am sure there are people who peek, say "ugh, not for me" and leave quickly. But see...that is a judgement, and the actions they have reflect that judgement.

That is how we all are. We all judge others. We all act on those judgments. But what hurts others is not our judgments, or even necessarily that we act on them. It is when we point out things that we judge about others, in a condescending, hurtful way, that creates pain and a very bad situation. When we act judgmentally, in other words. It isn't judgment, it is judgmentalism, that is a major problem in our world.

For instance, a major chasm-creator is religion. I despise Christian bashing. i find it extremely painful to be judged based not on *my* actions or words but rather lumped into a group because i call myself a Christian, and having rants and judgments directed with much venom towards me because people who have the same faith have acted in a judgmental manner. As a matter of fact, that very action has caused me to quietly choose not to read someone's words. Not because i felt judged, because i know i will always *be* judged, but because they were behaving in as judgmental a fashion as they accused Christians of behaving, and just as they didn't want to feel the judgment of others, so i didn't as well.

That is another problem with being judgmental, in my opinion. Everyone has the right to judge others, it is human nature and there is no way to prevent it. But while we can't control our judging others, we *can* control our actions and reactions because of judgments. The major problem is that so many of us choose *not* to control our actions, blaming them on others as if we are nothing but a bunch of Pavlov's dogs and when someone says or does something we don't like, we have no choice but to react negatively to it.

Bullshit.

I have even raised my kids to know that the only person who you can control, lives inside your own skin. There are times when it takes every OUNCE of that self control in order to behave as we should, that's for sure. And yes, of course, we all fail at times. None of us are perfect, even if we like to give that impression.

And so, if we choose to lose our self control and act in a judgmental manner, we hurt people we know, people we don't know, and also ourselves. Judging is natural, being judgmental is a choice, a very hurtful choice.

Padrone, i have no idea if this post makes sense or not. i am not going to edit this, i am just going to leave my thoughts as they are, rambling and raw.

i love you, Padrone.

Hello Sunshine

2011-02-18T10:00:00.002-06:00

A song that expresses my feelings lately. :)

not quite so boring...

2011-02-15T12:43:00.000-06:00

Sometimes i wonder if i will ever learn one of the most basic lessons of life - be careful who you trust. i am usually pretty intuitive, but when i trust, i do so with an unwavering loyalty, which is what i think the real problem is more than who i trust. i am good at seeing things, at hearing things, to make judgement usually pretty sound. i can seem aloof i guess...in some situations, although it's usually just lack of confidence that people really do want to get to know me....but part of it is just...waiting to see if someone is who they say they are, if that makes sense. i really have a problem being objective when i finally do trust someone. i trust implicitly, i guess, and that can create problems.

i'm not working with the "understanding boss" anymore. There are no more promises of promotions or "pie in the sky" titles and such. And that wouldn't be a problem, because the separation is formally a temporary thing (i've been laid off), except apparently she hasn't yet registered with the unemployment division in our state, which means that i am not yet able to file for unemployment benefits.

Well, i *could* even without her being registered, apparently, if i had proof of employment. But our checks were handwritten checks, and even though it is 2 weeks past the federal deadline, she has yet to get w2 forms out. And she has some lame excuse, and is apparently in no hurry to do what is right.

So, i've been burned far more than i ever had before, because i have known this woman for years, literally, and never once dreamed that she would be this type of person.

Which is one reason i have been kind of quiet here, i think. It's really hard to admit when one makes that kind of mistake, and the betrayal has to become deep and absolute for me to lose faith in someone. My own personality trait makes me feel like an absolute fool, frankly, and that's hard to admit to myself, much less to anyone else.

And yes, it has affected our relationship, as bad as i hate to admit *that* too. My confidence has been crushed, and it wasn't that great to begin with (working on it, but just not there yet). i have had all sorts of roller coaster emotions, which have of necessity created situations that are ripe for misunderstandings. It hasn't been *all* my fault, i do know that, because problems never are the fault of one person in a relationship. And we haven't been having "problems", just getting upset over small stuff, and i know i have been projecting all my negative feelings onto Padrone or some such psychobabble as that. But we've worked through it all, and i am feeling my own emotions settle a bit, and i am hopeful of even more settling as time passes. And i know it will happen.

For those who think that "online" relationships are less real, or less...dynamic, i guess is the word i am looking for, then all i have to say is that you don't know my Padrone. He would not take less than real, less than all i have to give. Of *course* there are physical limitations, and i am in no way denying that there will be different ways to express the dynamic when we are together than there can be now. But the way he controls me, and yes it is because i obey him even when he can't enforce it in ways other than...trusting me....but he tells me what to do, not just when he wants to and in ways he prefers, but also in times like this, when i am floundering and feeling as if i am wandering clueless, far away from any anchor of stability...

That is when he shows his strength most of all. i know he takes for granted the ability to look objectively at situations and ask questions, gather information, and make informed decisions. i am not sure he understands just how much i admire that quality, especially when it he calls on it when i need it most. Yes, i can do it with others at times, but i still tend to get too emotionally involved even then. Padrone can simply look at things and oftentimes what he says is so clear, and so right, that i am just like...wow....and i sometimes feel stupid all over again.

And lately i have ... not really blamed him for that, but maybe...been far too sensitive because of the rawness of all the other emotions, and so any negative emotion will naturally be magnified.

But today i feel better. i feel as if i have a plan, as if there are changes coming, positive ones. It may be the spring weather, the renewal, the hope that warmth after frozenness brings. (spring-like, i should say. Even in the deep south spring doesn't usually come to stay in February). It may be because i am seeing hope for a teaching job. Not definite hope but this is the time of year that school districts know if teachers are planning to return or not, and so it's the optimal time of year to apply. i have a plan laid out, thanks to Padrone making me do it (told y'all he has a lot of control), and i am following it, a bit every day, to get my name "out there" in a positive way. i have been substituting some, and i have gotten word out that i want to do more of that.

Today i feel as if it will all work out for me. And frankly, today is the first day that i can honestly say that i really don't care *how* it works out for me. In other words, i have finally realized that any consequences that happen for my ex-boss are things she has brought upon herself through her own choices and actions.

That is a major step for me, for a lot of reasons, but it is such a...freeing point of view. And that, i think, is the bottom line for my raised spirits today.

Well, that, and some amazing use, very intense and very much needed, last night. But that's a totally different, and untold, story. :)

Padrone, i always try to say something personal to you to end my blog post, but the only thing i can say right now is a simple...thank you. i am inexpressibly grateful for you, for your control, for your care, for your love. i can never give back even a measure of what you give to me, although i will try for the rest of my life. i love you, my Padrone.

Boring, boring post (you were warned)

2011-02-13T22:10:00.000-06:00

i am supposed to be finishing a very boring school assignment right now. And i *do* have my word processing program open, and i *do* have the resource link pages open, but i am taking a break. That's it, a break. *yawn*

i mean, really. How many specific resources ... well, *good* resources ... are out there, with local chapters and interactive websites? I've already done an assignment for one class where i had to find 50 resources for families of special needs individuals, an assignment for another class where i had to come up with 25 resources for educators, and this one where i have to come up with 10 - for specific disorders and a one page summary of each website. How much variety can there be in that? i feel as if i am repeating the same things over and over and frankly it is incredibly boring.

But at least i'm bookmarking some good sites. Who knows if i'll ever use them or not? But i guess the point is to actually have access to them, to be able to provide them if a family wants or needs them themselves.

i have 7 out of 10 completed, and half of number 8. i have to turn it in in one hour and 55 minutes. Well, 54 minutes, *before* midnight my time.

So i don't think i can type anything of substance here this week. i have had a couple of thoughts flitting through my brain but i can't seem to make them settle into actual words. And i don't have time to type them into coherence tonight, like i do sometimes.

i hope i can type soon, something other than this type of thing.

But i won't type about the fact that Padrone and i have had a larger number of misunderstandings lately than we ever have had, and of course it's mostly my own fault. i won't type about the fact that i have really felt my foundation of confidence shake and tremble and outright crumble lately. And i won't type about the fantastic use that happened while i was alone for a few hours on my recent trip with my daughter to see her boyfriend. Sorry about that last - lol.

Padrone, i am sorry this is such a boring, boring post. i will get busy with my assignment and get to bed soon, i promise!

i love you.

Tethered

2011-02-01T08:38:00.000-06:00

There is a program i use with my phone/computer called tether. It allows me to use my phone as a modem for my computer, and get online using the phone's unlimited data service. It's simple to use, and quite good unless my cell signal stinks which it does to the point of rendering it a useless program at times. All i have to do is plug my phone into my computer's usb port, touch a couple of icons on my phone, click a couple of things on my computer, and voila! Instant connection!

It's faster than dialup, but of course not really practical when it comes to things like downloading windows updates or stuff.

So last night, during my new ritual of waking around 4:30 am and tossing and turning for an hour or so before going back to sleep for a few minutes, i started thinking about our relationship.

And about tethering.

And about another definition of tethering - that of a horse tied to a stake in the ground, giving him freedom of movement, but within definite limits.

And about how i am like that horse, and Padrone is very much my "stake in the ground". And about how strong a stake he is for me, and how grateful i am that he does allow me freedom within limitations.

Even freedom to make mistakes. Even making a fool out of myself. Even trusting the wrong person and being betrayed and taken advantage of. Even when he doesn't really understand why i am upset that he didn't "tighten the rope" just a bit, and not allow the extent of hurt to happen to me that i allowed. Even when it takes a major upset for us to be able to talk it out and work things out once more.

i hate having my trust betrayed, just like everyone else does. But maybe it is a good sign that i actually *trusted* someone enough to *be* betrayed...that is a huge issue for me, to trust to that extent at least. And i had no reason to expect that what i was being told was not true, so i know i shouldn't be so hard on myself, i just feel so incredibly stupid.

But it is as Padrone says, welcome to the club.

Everyone has felt that way before, and knows exactly what i am feeling. We tend to forget the pain of it until it happens to us again, though.

And the results have been a more withdrawn me, even with Padrone. Because of a misunderstanding on my part, and a forced "exposure" of a withdrawn, too-vulnerable me by Padrone, resentment built up and overflowed. It was natural, but i didn't like it one bit, nor did he. And yes, it took a lot of forcing ourselves to look past our own resentment to be able to communicate and move past.

i still feel vulnerable to an extent, but i am staying very close to my "stake in the ground", even though i am vulnerable a bit with him as well. It will get better, since i know where my emotional safe haven is, and with whom, and the walls will crumble quickly and soon, i know.

i am just very, very thankful for a Padrone who is so very caring of me...and allows me to make the mistake of thinking he is superman. He can't see or prevent everything, no matter how much i tend to believe he can because of how insightful he has always been regarding things in my life. i am very, very blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life, so can i really help it if i think that now and then?

i love you, Padrone. Thank you for keeping me tethered to you in no uncertain fashion, with a cord far stronger than any leather could ever be. Thank you for allowing me to make mistakes, and to learn from them, and to learn from your own. Thank you for growing with me, and not expecting the "growing" to be only on my part. i am one incredibly blessed woman, simply because i am *your* woman.

i'm tired

2011-01-29T19:22:00.000-06:00

i have always tried to keep this place somewhere that i didn't whine and complain. But i am tired....in every way one can be tired.

Physically i can't seem to get rest. i can't sleep well at night. i am always doing something or going somewhere during the days. From the moment i wake up until i go to sleep, i am required to do something for someone, and it is usually not me. i'm just plain tired.

Intellectually, i have had a time trying to figure ways to postpone things until money comes in. School is not a problem this semester, at all (so far at least, i am sure there are stresses coming, it is school after all). But i still feel drained, as if i have worked too many difficult puzzles, and as if most of them are far too difficult for me anyway.

Mentally, i have been worried and concerned over a lot of things. Stress about work issues, worry over the future, and yes worries about our relationship have kept my mind from shutting down at all. i do know how bad worrying is for me, but it is something i have yet to learn to not do. No, i don't want tips or help in this because frankly, i feel like enough of a failure as it is.

Emotionally....this one i can't even type about tonight. i am way too scattered emotionally to make sense of myself, much less try to type coherently.

But most of all, i'm just tired. Tired of not being....good enough.

That's all.

Mortality

2011-01-23T17:20:00.000-06:00

My grandfather died of a massive heart attack at age 43. Of course, that was pre-WWII so health care was nowhere near what it is now, and who knows if he would have died now? Maybe he would have learned warning signs, gotten tests run, changed anything in his lifestyle that may have needed to be changed, and lived far longer than he did.

But he lived then, and died then, and the one thing that might be seen as positive from it is that it has taught my brothers and myself that life is not a "forever" thing, and made us aware of our health issues at a younger age than we might otherwise have become aware of them.

You see, yesterday my brother had a slight heart attack himself. i am grateful that he recognized the signs of it, called his wife and let her talk him into going straight to the hospital. He had no pain, but tightness in his chest and shortness of breath. He is still in the hospital and they have scheduled a catherter (or however it is spelled) tomorrow. They thought it was an extreme anxiety attack at first because of his lack of pain, but luckily his doctor had enough awareness of heart issues to keep him, and run tests to make sure. The enzymes are a bit off, from what i have been told, whatever that means.

Well, what it means is that his heart has been through some sort of trauma and is recovering from it.

And what it means is that my dedication earlier this month to a healthier way of living for myself has really, truly hit home. i committed to it for a reason, for myself, my family, and Padrone...and walking, eating healthier, and drinking more water won't keep me from having health issues, that's for sure. But it can't hurt, as cutting down on stress won't hurt me either.

i am glad that my brother lives in this age of medicine, and not 70 years ago when my grandfather died. i am glad his fear overcame his stubbornness and he drove to the hospital. i am glad he has the support of a loving wife. i am glad he is still around.

Not the kind of blog post i hoped to type this time. Not something i want to think about, type about, or experience. But i am deeply grateful for the life that flows in my veins, and i am going to learn to treasure it and take care of my body so it will take care of me for years to come.

Padrone, i will do better...my stress...my mood...my health...my immune system...my obedience. i do love You, even when it is difficult for You to see.

Refocusing

2011-01-18T20:55:00.000-06:00

Tonight we had a wonderful time of refocusing, ourselves, our relationship, who we are not only individually but also to each other. It has left me feeling extremely .... i am not sure i can explain how i feel.

i am grateful to have such a wonderful Master, for one thing. Gratitude for his care, for his seeing what i, what we, need even before i know it myself. Gratitude for his control when i am feeling such a lack of control. Gratitude for his love, and his own need to have things firmly where and as they should be for us. i love this man, with all that i am and all that i will be.

The past few weeks have been almost unbearably busy. i have been working so much that i honestly have had to tell my boss that if i don't have a break, i *will* break. Of course, that didn't stop her from calling me later to work the next day, but i actually refused to do it. i was rather proud of myself, and i hope Padrone was proud of me too.

i have had to reprioritize my life, frankly, because i had let my job become way too high on that list, and that meant that Padrone had to go down. Not a good situation, especially as long as it was going on. If it means that i change jobs, so be it. i have ended up letting my boss take advantage of me far more than i realized, even though i did realize it was happening. And frankly, when i ended up with a pile of laundry too high to see over and no clothes to even wear to work because i had no time to wash clothes, it was time to put my foot down.

And so i did, and i took today off. i was called once from work and i didn't even answer it. i figured if it was that important, they would at least leave a voice mail. :)

It felt wonderful. And then tonight the strong reconnection with Padrone ... that was simply the icing on the cake, as we say.

i am incredibly blessed.

God, Padrone, family (although at times that has to flip of course), home, job. That's it from here on out.

i love You, Padrone. Thank You for showing me so clearly just how skewed my priorities had gotten. i am Yours, and gratefully so.

Just stuff

2011-01-09T12:25:00.000-06:00

So i am at work today, and apparently we're going to have actual winter weather here. My dad called me to make sure i had enough wood for the fire, and i guess i can heat soup on it if the power goes out. Thank goodness for pot-bellied stoves!

i have no idea if we'll get as bad as they will, since they are a couple of hours north of here. i do know that the north part of our state is really making drastic preparations, and are expecting a severe winter storm. i know others think it is funny that we southerners "freak out" about snow, but since we experience it so rarely, it IS a big deal! And of course we don't know "how to drive" in snow, and we get silly when we just watch it falling. We love snow - lol.

But this is more than snow, from what i understand. It is going to have ice as well, which wreaks havoc on power lines and such, which is the main reason for the preparations of having wood, etc. And of course, we're concerned about our clients as well. Two of my clients have electric heat with no alternative heat source, but one has family very close by so i am not worried about her. The other client, on the other hand, may or may not have a place to go, since her daughter lives 2 hours away. We'll see what happens though.

Maybe, if it DOES snow, i can take pics and put them on here, non-identifying ones of course, if Padrone approves. We'll see. It would probably make some of you laugh that we get so excited about the snow you may see in photos here though - lol.

Anyway, i am substituting again tomorrow, and grateful for the opportunity. i had to say no one day last week, and i hated to, but there was no one to work for me in the client's home so i had no choice.

i registered for a couple more classes this semester. One will be extremely easy, since i have to retake English 102, and apparently there are no more Special Ed classes that i can take without taking some sort of technology literacy test or something. i think i'm just going to take the GRE and go ahead and start the Masters program next fall at the University of Alabama. It's a hybrid program - mostly online but with a weekend a month or so that is required to be on campus. i can do that, but i'm not totally sure if i can do it and work as a teacher too...BUT if i have taken my GRE, i'll be ready to begin classes in any Masters program. i would be taking graduate classes now if i had already taken it. i know, i know.

i know y'all have to get so bored with my life - lol.

On the relationship front, i think Padrone and i are both kind of ready for some intimacy. Due to circumstances on both sides of the ocean, our privacy has been pretty well eliminated lately. It has tended to make each of us kind of long for more, and so we're being a little creative and coming up with ways to regain a level of privacy. I miss him, y'all. i miss the intimacy of just talking with him without worrying about being overheard - even if we're only saying innocuous things. It's hard when we can't, but we have been together for so long that it doesn't affect our relationship as it would if we were still beginning and trying to make it work. Now we know we work, and what we're doing is more a case of biding our time until we are more free again.

i love him with all my heart. This man believes in me more than anyone ever has in my entire life, and it is because of HIM that i begin to believe in myself as well. i would still be working a dead end, low wage job if Padrone had not encouraged, supported, and eventually required me to research options and actually DO something with my life. And i actually CAN be someone! i can have a life i see others living. i can succeed in jobs that are challenging. i really CAN.

But i never would have believed that if he hadn't, using all the patience he is so famous for, shown me how he sees me, and done it in ways that were so natural that they couldn't have been contrived. i haven't been fed a line or manipulated, i have simply been helped to gain a level of confidence that i would never have attained if it weren't for him. And i like feeling confident about my ability to succeed in life, not just in my ability to be a good submissive to him.

Padrone, sometimes i try to imagine where i would be if you weren't in my life, and it is always a dark, dreary place of existence. You have brought me to life. You have opened doors in my heart and mind that only you can ever know about. Your flower is opening under the tender care you provide her, and Padrone....she is learning to feel as confident and as strong as a rose that blooms in winter. Thank you, my Owner. i adore you.

Choices and consequences, and more choices

2011-01-02T14:24:00.000-06:00

i don't do New Year's resolutions, but it seems that after the excesses of the holidays, i typically do tend to make some decisions about my life that i have put off while i enjoyed myself. So maybe one could call them resolutions, although it doesn't take any sort of thought or decision making or planning to make these decisions. They also typically are based on the need for change or for a new direction.

For instance, i have decided that i am going to walk today. i haven't exercised in quite some time, and the day is gorgeous, if cool, and i finally got my ipod to work, so i am going walking. i hope to make it a regular thing, since my working hours are supposed to be getting more consistent and i can more easily get into a routine now than before. i am not making a resolution, nor even a commitment, because this is something i want to do to better myself, it is an active choice i am making, and if it turns into a chore or an obligation (in the beginning at any rate), it will be far more difficult to make myself do it than if i simply grab my ipod and go.

That is how i am about losing weight as well. i am not going to make a commitment to lose weight, although i do want to do just that. What i am going to do is to think about making healthier choices of when, what, and how much i eat. i want to look better for Padrone, but what has been the motivating factor behind this particular thought process is that i want to feel better in general.

i get sick far more than i ever have. Within the past 3-4 years it seems i have been sick at least every couple of months. Used to, i never got sick, maybe one or two colds in a year, or something like that. Since i've known Padrone, i have had the flu, the swine flu, shoulder surgery, gall bladder surgery, more migraines than i can count, colds out the wazoo, and most recently a terrible tummy virus (i honestly think it was a form of the flu, based on how long it took to recover from it). So much of that could be prevented if i was in better health in general. Some couldn't, like the surgeries. But i can, should, and will, take better care of my health to prevent sicknesses and not just deal with them when they "get me".

i have already begun the process of improving my finances, and that is a continuing thing. Padrone had me on a very small, but very firm, saving plan...and i hope to continue that this year but in a way that is on a little larger scale. i am not going to any extreme by any means, but i do want to have money so that i always know my light bill will be paid and that i will always have money for gas in my car. Improving my health will decrease time missed from work, which will increase the financial stability, so see? Making good choices is, for me, the way to go.

i also want to improve my submission to Padrone. i want to find ways to keep our communication going, even if i am working. i want to discover more ways to honor him and please him, and i want to lose the fear of vulnerability that still has its place in our relationship. i want to feel more free to explore, to reveal thoughts and ideas, and to live in the knowledge that Padrone loves for me to offer my submission...which means that my sharing of ideas and thoughts, and even fantasies and needs, that may not be things we have previously explored, is something that he would encourage and really want for me to do.

On the home front, i want to declutter, gradually and yet consistently. i want to clean until the house sparkles, and then rest for a week! i want to begin cooking at home more often, and taking my lunch to work, although again...if that is a "have to" then i'll get resentful and pout and whine and such.

And lastly, i want to improve my spiritual life. That is a very personal choice, and one that i won't speak of here unless i feel the need to do so. So no resolutions, only decisions to improve my life overall.

And yes, i will begin with a nice walk as soon as i finish typing this, and clean the lunch dishes.

Padrone, i am grateful that you haven't pushed and shoved me into becoming the perfect slave, or changing my life totally for you. That may sound selfish, but your patience in waiting for me to see the simple reality that you deserve better than a sick, unhealthy, slave with no money and constant stress because of that...is what has led me to that conclusion. You could have shoved that down my throat, yes, of course you could have. But you don't want to force me, you want me to offer. And now i am.

i offer you a getting-healthier me.

i offer you a more fiscally fit me (or at least a steady push towards that goal).

i offer you a more free, less inhibited me. And yes, that was even scary to type, sheesh.

i offer you a more organized, less cluttered, hence less stressed, me.

And i offer you a more spiritual, calmer, again less stressed, me.

Grazie for giving me the freedom to make poor choices, and the ability to learn from the consequences of those choices. You are truly a wonderful, caring man, and i am immensely blessed to be yours.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T12:04:00.000-06:00

Wishing all my blog friends a very Merry Christmas!

We don't have big plans, only a quiet family time, and time actually and completely off work for me (hopefully), something that i haven't had in a while now. Both of the clients i am fully responsible for are with family for the holiday weekend, at least, and the secondary clients... well, only one of them may need me and that will be only if someone who is scheduled to work doesn't show up. That has happened fairly often lately though, so i am keeping my fingers crossed about that.

So, on that note, i am going to make candy with my daughter, sing off-key carols with a loving and grateful heart, and thoroughly enjoy my Christmas!

Buon Natale, Padrone, and Merry Christmas everyone!

Holidays and happiness

2010-12-19T20:08:00.000-06:00

I love this time of year. It has nothing to do with a peaceful heart or family or any such thing, but it is a very personal, and very spiritual, time of year for me. As a Christian, i love feeling the emotions that are enhanced during this holiday season, because of the love of a God i have the honor of knowing and being known by.

i know that the date of the celebration of the birth of Christ was set due to pagan celebrations that happened at the same time (as were most Christian days of celebration). Frankly, that doesn't matter in the least - who cares what the actual date of the birth of Christ was? It is the celebration of it that matters to me, and to most of the people i know.

For my Christian friends and family, this time of year allows us to reflect upon the joy and peace that we believe is ours because of our faith, which is based upon the birth, life, death, and ultimate resurrection of the one we call the Christ. The celebration of his birth creates a very real, very pure, very strong sense of renewal within me. i love feeling this way, deeply appreciative of what i have been given....more giving towards others as a result.

Here are a couple of pictures that were taken by one of my children, of some of the ornaments on my tree. i love them, and i hope you do too!

Padrone, i love You.

Who are we, really?

2010-12-12T20:47:00.000-06:00

And I made a couple more A's in my two classes this semester! Not bad for an old lady, huh? I'm really enjoying taking these classes, which kind of surprised me. But i think i am now old enough that a lot of the things i am supposed to be learning are things i have already learned and am now simply fitting them into an academic setting. There is a lot to be said for life experiences, that's for sure.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post here, and Padrone and i have talked a lot about philosophical issues. Greengirl has made me think about roles and definitions thereof, and a discussion in the chat room we frequent got me thinking about limits, pushing them, and emotional security. i've really been trying to decide what to type here, and i think i'll just start typing and let it flow naturally. Follow along, if you can - lol.

First, about roles. i am an extremely submissive woman. That is my personality, it is how i behave much of the time, and it is definitely a highly regarded trait by Padrone. But that does not define who i am or what i do or how i live in its entirety. It does not tell the entire story of *me*.

I tend to have a problem with people who portray D/s as the only dynamic in their lives. Some people present every aspect of their lives as revolving around "Master" and "slave". Control and obedience. Dominance and subservience. I mean, some take this to the extreme that if the "Master" is in any way unhappy, the "slave" is punished even if she has no clue why she is being held responsible!

i make Padrone happy, not out of fear of punishment if he isn't, but rather because i love his happiness. It makes me happy to make him happy. There is a very real and fulfilling reinforcement for my obedience and submission to him. i love pleasing him, y'all, but not because i am "his slave". i love making him happy, because...a happy Master owns better! (sorry, i had to go there, Padrone!)

But it is true. The happier i make him, the more he will show his happiness, his appreciation, and his love for me - making me happy in return. It truly is a never-ending, wonderful cycle. But what most people miss is that this has absolutely nothing to do with D/s whatsoever.

Sure it makes us happy to participate in a D/s relationship. Because we understand that he is the Master and i am the slave, there are certain dynamics in place that make us happy by their very nature. He controls, i let him (hehehe). No matter how much fun we have with it, though, the bottom line is that no matter what we call ourselves, we would act in this manner anyway.

Why is that? Well, it is simply because that is who we are. It doesn't matter if Padrone has the label of "Dominant" or not, frankly, because he is going to control and take responsibility and make decisions anyway. And no matter what i call myself, i am going to revel in the knowledge that he is controlling and taking responsibility and making decisions, and because of that and the gratitude i feel that he lifts my unwanted burdens, i will offer and eagerly look for ways to please him. And the happier he is, the happier he will make me, and the world, or our little piece of it, becomes a beautiful garden of devotion and respect.

And it doesn't matter what we call ourselves, our relationship, or each other. We are who we are, and we act freely based on the emotional security we have found in our relationship that allows us to become vulnerable to each other.

Which is a topic for another day. Maybe i am naive or just too...i don't know, irreverent of all things D/s or something, but i don't believe all i read online, not even in many of the blogs i read. i don't believe that every waking moment of every day can be devoted to a D/s type of mindset, although i do believe that someone can live a life with strong characteristics found in a role in D/s. i don't believe that what one calls onesself is important, nor is a contract or any of the "trappings" that others deem "necessary" in D/s. We have rules in our relationship, yes, but it is because of a wish of how Padrone wants to feel, or wants me to feel, far more than because we're "supposed" to have rules in a D/s relationship.

It is as Padrone says...throw "the book" out. Nobody can do D/s according to the expectations of others, or by using their guidelines or their relationship as an example. "The book" is filled with those sorts of expectations, and that is a very destructive mindset to have. i am grateful that he and i found each other after he had thrown the book out the window, that's for sure!

Padrone, i love You, and i am Yours, no matter what You are called or what You call me. You are more than Master to me, Padrone. You are my friend, my lover, my love, my man. You are the perfect fit for this woman, and i am deeply grateful that You value me equally as much. i am truly blessed.

Thankfulness

2010-11-25T15:32:00.002-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends, and to my other friends the same, even if you don't celebrate the holiday that we do, a time of thanksgiving is usually a good thing.

This year, i have been amazingly busy lately and that is good. i'm learning about how to direct a company, so that when we have the official startup on Jan. 1, i will be ready. Or that's the plan at least - lol. We have a board meeting in a couple of weeks, where things will be made official and i will get to speak in my "director-to-be" mode for the first time, officially. It will be made public to both the public and the employees, some of whom aren't quite as excited at the prospect as i am, i must say! It will all work out, and i am smiling as i type this, knowing just how nervous i will become the closer to Dec. 11 it gets.

But lately i have been thinking a lot about a couple of things, one of which seems directly related to the holiday that we Americans are celebrating today. Thankfulness. Gratitude.

i had what i considered a pretty profound thought, and i put it on my "non D/s" facebook as my status this morning:

A thankful heart breeds an humble spirit. I wish you a life of thankfulness.

This was the culmination of several days' worth of "behind the facade" pondering. i've been thinking lately, since Padrone made a rather wonderful statement about how he views me, about what makes me remain so devoted to him. i mean, we don't have the ideal situation for most people, although it isn't totally negative for us. Living an ocean apart is challenging for any relationship, though, as i think anyone might admit. It would be so easy to get lax about serving, and so easy to try to deceive if i did. And i do realize that part of what makes us work is our individual personalities, needs, integrity, and availability.

And so i wondered what else might factor into our success, our happiness. Because we are happy, in a deep, abiding, fulfilling way that only "real love" or whatever can bring.

And i realized that it is because we both know that what we have is rare, and we tend to take time to reflect on our lives, our relationship, each other, and be grateful. It isn't a conscious choice, and sometimes it just kind of hits out of the blue, but we don't take each other for granted...or we try hard not to at least.

Living a life of thankfulness is so different than the typical mindset portrayed in D/s circles of "thank your Master for everything, because you would have/do/be nothing without his permission". That, in my opinion, is a load of crap. i am who i am, and while being Padrone's has taught me to become better, stronger, and more pleasing, it is built on the foundation of *me* that *i* brought into the mix. Padrone had no part in creating me, nor has he consciously molded me into some fantasy slave.

As far as having nothing or doing nothing without Padrone's permission, maybe in theory that could be perceived as being correct. But in reality, i live in another country, have a job, a house, a car, and two kids who depend upon me financially (for the most part, although they both work themselves as well, i pay the bills). i had each of those things when we entered this relationship, and so what? Am i supposed to sign my car over to him, or whatever? No, as a matter of fact, Padrone wants me to buy a more reliable one as soon as i can - lol. It isn't an order, or me having to wait for his permission before buying one (i will, because i know he will ask me questions i haven't thought to ask, and help me make a wise decision). So i have things without his permission. i did "before", i do now, and unless i am sadly mistaken i will in the future as well, simply because of how deeply Padrone respects me. And i also realize that if he chose, he could take what i have, and so there is an element of gratitude that he is the type of Master he is, in my mix of thankfulness.

And as far as doing things, again, we live a freaking ocean apart. We aren't in constant contact. We can't text each other's phones, and so if Padrone is not at his computer (which he is a good part of the day but not always of course), then i might end up asking permission to do something and sitting and waiting for hours before he sees my text and answers it! Totally unrealistic! And of course, i have a job, school, and family obligations that aren't really debatable in terms of whether i do them or not, even if some of it is optional (i only went back to school because Padrone said i could, for instance, and so the inflexibility of my schedule is both with his permission and now out of his control).

So, if it isn't a matter of the "traditional" D/s "gratitude" that i am talking about, what is it?

i am just deeply thankful to have Padrone in my life. i am grateful that he is the kind of man he is, loving, kind, easygoing, teasing, tormenting, rigid when he wants to be, controlling, cruel when he needs to be, and who values me highly no matter what.

Every time i think of him, it seems i have something to be thankful for. And that thankfulness has spread into many, many areas of my life. i don't have to look for, to find, things to be thankful for. i don't feel a need to list them, to prioritize them, to account for them. i don't even need to think of them in any concrete way. They make themselves known to me, because my entire attitude has shifted to finding things i am grateful to have in my life, from a car that runs (most of the time), to my daughter's thoughtfulness to a Wal Mart door greeter, to a son who is working long hours to help ease my burden, to a Master...my man...who has taught me how to love and be loved.

Padrone, on this Thanksgiving Day, although You don't celebrate it, i want to say just how much having You in my life has meant to me. You have helped me become a better woman, simply by accepting me when i wasn't so good and showing me a better me. i am grateful beyond words, to be the woman You love. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone.

Quick update, etc.

2010-10-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

I just realized that i haven't typed here in a while now, but to be honest i have worked a TON of hours, and combining that with school means that something has to give. Lately, apparently, it has been my blog.

i've already gotten one promotion in my new job, and changed projects so i have better hours. The work is not difficult, it is more focus-intensive, which means that i have to be diligent and watchful all the time. One of the projects i work is far easier than the other, in terms of diligence required, and if there was only internet available so i could do my schoolwork or entertain myself during "down time", life would be better!

But it is what it is, and that's not a bad thing overall. I am learning a TON about the company, from figuring how much to pay everyone, to scheduling, to finding grant money (not learning to write grants yet, though, and not sure i really want to!), to everything in between. Haven't learned about billing this particular way, but i have been involved in hiring and even firing - or rather, telling someone they would have to be retrained and them resigning instead. :)

It's taken a lot of time, though, and will continue to take more. When i asked Padrone if it was too much, if it took too much away from him, his response was "of course not, i own the boss!"

i love that man!

i've been reading blog posts recently that have given me a lot to think about. i realize i am in a totally different circumstance than many people are, in that i don't live with my Master. But i am absolutely committed to him, and surrendered to him, and owned by him. He has as much authority in my life as he would if we lived together, and the limitations on the expression of that authority exist only due to geography and safety issues. And the amount of submission required to obey and to please him is the same as if he were here with me.

And that leads me to what is kind of a recurring theme in my blog, from what i can tell. Submissives are those who have chosen to give authority over their lives to another. By doing so, we choose to surrender to the control they choose to take in our lives. Now, here comes the important part: making that choice does NOT make our lives all rosy and peachy-keen.

Sometimes it is HARD to obey. Obedience is nothing more than a show of submission, it is not the submission itself, imho. But obedience shows our submission, the affirmation of the choice we made. Of course we'll doubt that choice, and ourselves, and our Masters at times. If we didn't, we'd be foolish. Of course we'll question. Of course we'll disagree, and resist, and even rebel.

But, in the end, we obey anyway. Do it anyway. Even if we don't *feel* submissive, do it anyway. Even if we are exhausted, or if we're about to fall asleep, or we had planned on grocery shopping...do it anyway. Even if our hearts are filled with angst, do it anyway. The ACT of obedience, especially when we don't particularly *want* to obey or even to submit, is a very, very powerful expression of the D/s dynamic.

And yes, that's the second part of what i wanted to say. Sometimes we DON'T want to submit, to obey, to serve, to do domestic or menial tasks, to cook or clean or iron. And, unless *your* Master has won the lottery that *mine* is trying to win, chances are that you don't have a house slave either, so *someone* has to do these things. Unless you are one of the admirable women who love to do these kinds of tasks, it is hard to do more than....do it anyway. That's how i clean my house for myself, frankly, only because some things HAVE to be done, dishes and laundry topping the list.

And i'm sure i'll enjoy learning to make Padrone's coffee, but will i love to bring it to him every single time he wants it, even if i'm in the middle of doing something else and have to drop everything to do it? Of course not. i'll do it of course, but my mind will probably be on what i was doing, rather than on Padrone, and he'll probably be busy and all he'll care about is the coffee in his cup. My feelings, positive or negative, will make no difference to him. My obedience makes *all* the difference to him.

Padrone taught me a LONG time ago that feelings are what they are, but what matters most is actions. If we all acted as we felt, what kind of world would we live in? And if we only obeyed when we felt like it, what kind of surrender are we expressing? Or those are my thoughts at least...there are times when we have to bite the bullet, grin and bear it....do it anyway.

So i guess i could sum my own slavery up in a few words. Obey even when it isn't convenient. Give what i know pleases him. And even when i don't want to, do it anyway. And, love Him even if i don't love what He requires me to do.

Which is what counts most, after all.

i am gratefully, wonderfully, gloriously Yours, Padrone. Most definitely Yours.

Long Distance

2010-09-28T11:19:00.000-05:00

i was asked a question via email asking for advice on training a long distance slave. i responded to her in a pretty basic way, and i am including what i typed to her here, but i have expounded upon it a little, trying to give a clearer picture of just how we got to the point we are now.

Being a long distance slave is not easy at all, especially when it involves different continents entirely. Being the Master in this type of relationship is equally difficult. It requires a lot of dedication, commitment, communication, trust, but most of all integrity, for it to work.

Or that is what we have experienced at least. i have to do as i am expected to do, even if i don't have to "prove" it, and so does Padrone. If either of us fails, then our relationship suffers. It's as simple as that - integrity breeds trust, which breeds the rest of the necessary elements for a successful relationship.

Training is not something that we engage in, though. What Padrone does is to look at my life, my circumstances, my personality, my job situation, my family...everything to do with how i live my life here, and he creates a framework of rules that are specific to me. In other words, he doesn't try to make me into the slave HE wants, rather he wants me as i am, and creates the perfect environment for me to live as his slave.

In other words, he shaped my life as his slave around my entire life. He doesn't expect me to go naked all the time, or much of the time even, since i have a daughter living with me. He doesn't expect me to spend hours and hours online, waiting for him to show up at his whim, because i have work and school and chores and such. He doesn't expect me to damage my body trying something new and exciting, because he is not here to take care of me if something goes wrong. He doesn't expect me to do extremely humiliating things because... he isn't here to take care of me if something goes wrong. And he can't expect me to change my entire life, to isolate myself, to make him my world...because that, my friends, is abuse in anybody's world.

He looked, learned about my life, and built a framework of rules and expectations that control me wonderfully, but do not set me up to fail. He took TIME to learn about how i life, who i interact with, and even what i wear, in order to form rules to free my life of freedom into a life of slavery.

He began extremely slowly, and gradually introduced rules into my life that i could follow without danger or extreme disruption to my life. What he values is my obedience - he does not believe that punishment is a necessary part of D/s ... or not a routine part at least. Yes, i am punished when i deserve it, but he *hates* to punish me and so has designed the framework of rules and expectations that are not impossible for me to follow, or don't require "jumping through hoops" for me to obey. He loves that i am able, and do, follow the rules he has in place for me, and the fact that i am able to, and do, follow them means that he has done his job quite well.

What was his job in that instance? Well, it was simply to insert his control into my daily life, in subtle and not so subtle ways. He did so by introducing rules into my routine *very* gradually, giving me time to get used to one rule before introducing any more. He thought about how i live, and gave me rules that require thought, remembering, active obedience, but which don't require danger, risk, or extreme inconvenience (now and then they might, but not as a regular thing).

Some Masters believe that the way Padrone controls me is "soft" or something. But i feel his control, my submission, every day, throughout the day, in many different ways. We don't have to be in contact for it to happen, which is good given how busy i am lately. But it is as real as his hand gripping my hair would be, and my will is as surrendered as if i were kneeling before him.

Padrone says to throw "the book" away. D/s cannot follow a uniform set of guidelines, or "book" of rules and regulations. As long as both participants are healthy, and HAPPY, in the relationship, then it is a positive thing. When either participant takes things to the extreme, it becomes unbalanced...and unbalanced = unhealthy.

What i mean by that is that *a submissive* can't go into this thing having expectations of how she wants him to "Master" her, but HE must also let go of the thought of *his* perfect slave, and take her as she is and .... draw her submission from her in ways that she can offer it, not in arbitrary, preconceived ways. i am not saying anyone is doing that, just saying that it is a common thing, especially for Masters but also for submissives....an unwillingness to let go of expectations and accept reality - especially in long distance relationships.

Being a slave is not always easy, no matter how submissive someone is, or how much she craves a life of being controlled. But a good Master will not structure a girl's slavery in a way that will make her miserable all the time. Padrone says that a happy slave serves better, which is his basis for the way he chooses to control me. And let's face it... even slaves should be happy in their relationships... otherwise, why bother?

But that's a topic for another day.

Padrone, i have learned a TREMENDOUS amount of D/s, and how individual it should be, from You. Being Your slave has been the most life changing event to happen to me since the birth of my children. Your framework of freedom has allowed me to live the controlled life i need, freeing me to become the best person i can be. You have freed this flower to bloom for You, my Master, and i am more grateful than "thank You" could ever express. i am Yours.

My favorite band, playing my favorite song

2010-09-08T17:34:00.000-05:00

All i can say is ROLL TIDE!!! (Sorry if you don't follow American College football, much less the 2009 National Champion Alabama Crimson Tide....you're missing one of the finer things in life!)

Nothing new under the sun

2010-09-03T08:39:00.001-05:00

Nor in my life either, it seems - lol.

I'm in limbo regarding jobs, but it is alright. I have gotten information about a job i need to call about, now that i am able to do so. I have been a sick woman this week. I feel much better today, thank goodness.

I've also been told a bit more about the promotion in the job i am working in currently. It would be a nice title, with responsibilities that I have no problem handling. I don't know pay or benefits though, but that could possibly become part of my job - to determine just what those are. It will be a new corporation, and I will be running it - not sure of my exact title, and the woman who began this company is going to be running the current one, offices in her home, etc, so i will have help and support, but i also have some ideas regarding how this company should be run, and while i don't know specifics or legalities in terms of billing and what services can be provided and such, i do know a little about organization and motivation (thank You, Padrone - lol) to be an effective business leader, especially in a small business.

Today is my son's 21st birthday, so I hope to go visit him later. We'll go to Olive Garden for dinner where he will buy his first *legal* glass of wine - lol. His father is actually going to help him fix his truck, which shocked me senseless, frankly. I haven't told son about that yet, it will be a nice surprise i think.

Daughter and I are planning another trip like we took in the spring, sometime around Halloween. It may work out that she can fly up there alone and stay with her boyfriend's family, while he stays next door with his grandpa, but we'll see. She's got a tiny little stubborn streak, although i can't *imagine* where it came from! It may not sit well with a controlling mother of a daughter's only-child boyfriend, though.

And yes, Padrone knows and has approved me going if that is how she decides. :)

Padrone and i have had more time together lately, mainly because i've been sick and unable to work. But because i've been sick it hasn't been as quality a time as it could have been. i'm glad to have had the time, even if i've been irritable as all get-out. Poor Padrone. :(

Padrone, i hope that we can have time to simply let cares slip away and have some privacy for one another, even if it is just to talk without wondering when we'll be interrupted. That sounds like a bit of heaven to me right now!

i long for the day when i can once again show how deeply You own me, and surrender to You in ways i haven't yet been able to do. I adore You, Padrone. Thank You for owning me so wonderfully, and so well.

Not such good luck

2010-08-26T18:53:00.000-05:00

Well, my "long term sub" assignment was a week long, but it was a very good week. I feel quite affirmed that my goal of teaching is the right path for me, after spending time with the assumption that this was *my* classroom, and these were *my* kids. Yep, I'll be teaching again. :)

For now i'll go back to the job i had with the wonderful boss, and enjoy it until i do get a teaching job. It's not that i hate that job or anything, i quite enjoy it most of the time, actually. It's just that i honestly believe i am *meant* to be a teacher, and one day that will be the case. For now, all i can say is that they missed out on a wonderful teacher by not hiring me.

So, i'm back to having one job and taking two classes, so i'll have more time for my Master again.

No time for more, it's class time again.

Padrone, i am so deeply grateful for You. I am sorry, once again, for the roller-coaster week that this week has been, but i know You understand that this time there was nothing i could have done about it. Thank You for understanding and loving me through the tough times. i am Yours, so totally, and so wonderfully Yours.

Fingers crossed

2010-08-22T21:14:00.000-05:00

I'm teaching!!! Well, as a long-term substitute for now at least. And I start tomorrow, so it is technically not true that I'm teaching now but ...

Tomorrow morning I'll be in a classroom, responsible for teaching 5th - 8th graders (10 years to 14 years old) in a small, rural school in my county. I was called on Friday afternoon and asked to sub in a long term position, starting Monday (leading me to believe that someone either quit suddenly or was fired, as there has been a teacher in this position since school started). I said "YES!!"

So it is my hope that there are lesson plans done for the next couple of weeks at least, and IEPs are up to date, and that I will only have to catch up with the lesson plans and learn the routine and the kids and implement things to make the class *mine*....before I have to make new lesson plans! But I'll do whatever I have to do, recruiting whatever help is necessary to do it and be successful at it.

I know that at least *part* of the reason I was asked to assume the position as a sub is because I am already on the sub list (thank goodness), and so there is no need to wait for the school board to approve me walking into the class. I would have to wait until the school board meets and approves my hiring as a teacher if I weren't on the sub list, and this way I can get into the classroom and have my foot in the door at least. I don't know if they'll hire me, but I got the distinct impression that they planned to, based on the discussion of standards and expectations for these students and the statement "we'll discuss that later" (talking about accomodations for the statewide tests, given in the spring of each year). So I get the idea that they plan to keep me around at least until then. :) But....i'm definitely not counting my chickens before they hatch here, and that's kind of kept me feeling a bit ambivalent for some reason. This summer, every time I have gotten excited about a job possibility, I have been disappointed. So I think I'm not getting excited now in an effort to curb any possible disappointment.

Oh yeah. Since the job I started last week had such a great and understanding employer, who literally gave me a job when I most needed one, I am going to try to work both jobs for a while, especially since the pay for a sub doesn't come CLOSE to the teacher's salary I will be getting eventually. So two jobs, and two classes, a son in college and working, a daughter in her last year of homeschooling and also working....a busy, busy schedule in my future, BUT...time for Padrone is high on my priority list, and He knows it because He placed Himself there! Well, it didn't require a lot of force to make me abide by that, believe me!

Ugh. I make my own head spin some days!

I have to go to sleep now, since I have to be at the school at 7 am. It's normally a 15 minute drive, but I'm driving my old, broken car, so I am going to drive slowly and carefully, and also give myself plenty of time in case parking is an issue.

Padrone, I hope that tomorrow I will be allowed to talk and talk and talk, because you know I'll be full of words for You. I am so happy, Padrone. Maybe, finally, it is happening. Maybe. Finally.

i adore You. i am forever Your grateful, devoted slave.

Unwritten

2010-08-18T12:52:00.000-05:00

I've always liked this song, and today it kind of expresses what i'm feeling:

i have nothing to say, but a deep urging to express....something. i feel...unwritten.

i hate when i feel this way, sometimes, although knowing that the future is still out there, waiting to be experienced, is a comforting thought when i think of my potential.

Classes start again tomorrow night, and my new boss is absolutely wonderful, to the point of offering her home for me to be online for my classes, so i won't have to sit at McDonald's! i won't take her up on it because of how late the classes run, but it is such a drastic difference to have someone thoughtful and caring and encouraging as a boss, that the gestures mean so much. She is working around my schedule willingly, and making suggestions and offering hours with different projects so i can make as many hours as i can...what a difference!

Now if only payday will get here! ;)

She is about to begin training me on the paperwork/administrative end of the job as well, something i am excited about but which i won't tell others about just yet because i'm the new kid on the block and others have far more experience than i do - but not the education, which is the reason i'm being trained for administration. i kind of like that, you know? But there's no use rocking the boat, at least not yet anyway.

i wish i had words to say what i'm feeling right now. i wish i had some solitude and a vehicle to drive to spend time totally alone with Padrone whenever he wished it. i wish i was on high speed internet so i could turn skype on from home because i am alone for a little while now. i wish...i wish...

i'm not usually one, lately, to long for things i don't have. But maybe the fact that i have been working towards a goal with such intensity, and then the shifting gears of that work, has had an effect....or more of an effect than i expected. i wish i was teaching, plain and simple. i know i will enjoy the job i have now, for the most part. i know i will learn and grow and expand my abilities and knowledge and patience....and i am quite sure it will help me when i am in the classroom, dealing with diverse students who need different kinds of help. So i'm not begrudging the time i am spending where i am, and eventually who knows? My boss smiled when i told her of my ambitions and said "You would make a fine teacher, but you may never want to leave this type of work once you get into it." She may be right, but for now....i just want to be in the classroom, teaching.

So there is a yearning to do what i dream of doing. It had been so far stifled for such a long time that i didn't remember how strong it was. i am grateful for the return of the dream.

i'm not unhappy, not by any means! This is just a mood, a temporary down time where expectations have ebbed to a low point, and they will naturally rise again soon. i feel better simply typing my thoughts out, showing me where they actually are, to help me deal with them more easily.

Padrone, i also yearn to give more lately. i don't know what or how or when, but the yearning to...express the total surrender, again, has been rising within me in the past little while. i long for the intimacy that comes with being so opened, so vulnerable, so safely under Your control. i adore You, my Master. i am Yours.

Good feelings

2010-08-16T10:19:00.001-05:00

I'm still floating.

Padrone used me today, pain, need, suffering...and i felt so amazingly LOVED through it all. Not what i was expecting, of course, but totally and absolutely wonderful.

Then we talked. The intimacy deepened.

I made some discoveries, i tried to express new things.

i felt some previously elusive thoughts come together and i smiled.

i can walk into any professional job and not only hold my head up because of any accomplishments i may have made, but also because of who i am. i can compete and succeed in a professional job.

Not such a big deal for some folks, and i'm sure some of you may be scratching your head wondering where this came from.

You know, it's just one of those things, i guess. But the reality is that i know i am ... well, still not good at talking about positives about myself, because it always sounds arrogant to my own ears. But i think that my next job interview will be a lot different than any i have ever had before, because i have a different attitude about myself and my abilities than i have ever had before.

It will make a ton of difference.

Padrone, as we talked about on the phone earlier...and one day i will try to blog about it...You have made a world of difference in my life. You haven't forced me to change my way of thinking, rather You have shown me the truth as You see it, in ways that made it unavoidable for me to admit, to accept, and finally to fully believe.

i love You more daily, even though it never seems possible. Mio Padrone.

An update, and a few thoughts as a bonus

2010-08-15T21:29:00.000-05:00

I have a new job. It isn't teaching, although I am still looking for a teaching job. My new employer knows of my ambitions, and approves (she has her own disabled sons, and husband, as well as having a Masters in Special Education as well - she definitely understands my drive). What she has offered me is not what I hoped for, but there is room for advancement in her home-grown yet professional business. She said she has been looking for "someone like me" and I can't get into any more detail than that here. Needless to say I am ready to start on Tuesday.

This job will be far less stressful, far more relaxing, and FAR more rewarding, both personally and professionally, than where I was. That's no slap to my old job - someone HAS to do it and the type of person they usually hire are uneducated, sometimes ignorant and proud of it, types of folks. It was a truly dead end job, and while my new one is not what I hope to do forever, at least I feel as if I *could* do it for a long time, because of the advancement that is not just a possibility, but what *will* happen.

Padrone, i haven't even told *You* this yet, but my new employer is going to let me work with her two disabled sons at her home, where the office is, and where the things she will be training me in also are. Yay!

This is not one of those pie in the sky promises, although of course we haven't discussed any kind of pay rate change as I advance - it will happen. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I am still planning on taking a couple of classes as well, but with the reduced stress of the job I am working, as well as the longer semester in which to learn the same amounts of material, the pressure will be far less than it was over the summer.

So the next few weeks will bring about more changes, but I no longer feel as if I am spinning my wheels. I am grateful for that, believe me!

And I've kind of revisited the reason for my blog. I've been neglecting to write here much, mainly because of time. But I also kind of wanted to make sure of my own motives in writing here.

I don't play the numbers game. I look at them now and then - number of followers, number of page visits, etc. And now and then I look to see where folks live that are visiting my blog. I find that interesting, actually...and how they found me. Usually it's through a link on another blog, or maybe from my profile when I've commented on someone's blog, and now and then via a google search. (Usually I'm found with keywords regarding humiliation of some sort...I guess I've typed that a lot or something - lol)

But numbers mean nothing to me. I mean, they don't even mean "little", they mean nothing. I love getting comments, and I love hearing from folks who read my blog and maybe understand me a little, since I have nobody in my "real life" that I could ever talk with about any of this. I would love to develop deeper friendships with some of the folks I've gotten to know through blogging.

But the harsh reality is that I write here for me, and for Padrone. It is a public blog, yes. I am more careful how I word things or how I present my ideas and thoughts, and I also spend more time explaining things happening in my life that Padrone already knows than I would if others didn't read it, but maybe not...I've kind of always done that, because this is a place for me to put things into perspective and try to express fleeting things in concrete terms.

I read others' blogs. I am interested in how others live their lives as submissives and slaves. I smile with the recognition of myself in some of you, and I am amazed at what are stumbling blocks for others. We are all unique, and what is easy for some of you may bring me to my knees (figuratively, get your mind out of the gutter!). What you struggle with may come more easily to me. But I don't judge, and I don't compare, and I don't type things here with any thoughts of anyone else in my mind, typically.

I type here what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing. This place is all about me, my relationship with my Master, my thoughts, my emotions, my history, my life. I know it's boring at times (no comment, Padrone - lol). I know it is self centered. But it is real, it is honest...it is me.

And, again, as harsh as it may sound...I don't type here to please anyone but myself. Even Padrone says "it's your blog, type what you please".

So, please understand, what I type here may sound simple to you, it may sound backwards or even not submissive. And my personality is quite complicated, and a bit needy. I'm not like others, our relationship is not like others, and my blog...well, it just won't be like others either.

And I kind of like it that way.

Padrone, thank you for helping me gain the confidence to understand all of what I just typed. I'm quite lucky, and very, VERY blessed, to be yours. The feeling seems to be renewed every day, and I am filled with joy, pure and simple, because of you. I do adore you, my Love. Grazie.

Happy Birthday Padrone!!!

2010-08-15T12:30:00.001-05:00

No insightful or thoughtful message from me today. No gifts to give. No exciting or well thought-out words.

Only your slave, offering all you already own.

Padrone, what can i give that you don't already have? (even a helicopter, sheesh!)

What can i offer that you don't already own?

What can i express that you don't already feel?

All i can do is to open my heart, my very soul, to you...again...

Io sono il Suo fiore del sud.

A Bit of Bittersweet

2010-08-13T21:24:00.001-05:00

So i've been thinking lately, something that should scare anyone but you can't say i didn't warn you!

The week after i finished my schoolwork, i experienced so many dramatic and totally unexpected emotions that i was quite .... wasn't at all prepared to deal with.

For instance, the most shocking to me (which shouldn't have been, knowing my personality and my needs) was that i couldn't take as much pleasure or feel as proud of myself over my accomplishments as i might have expected to do. Why, you ask? Well, see...i was EXTREMELY busy with those classes and of course my boss, who didn't want me to inconvenience her scheduling by going back to school anyway, piled the hours on me, only to reduce them again once i finished my school.

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i am very glad i accomplished something i have longed dreamed of doing, and in such a positive manner as well. i am truly gratified that my professors seemed to like and respect me, and think i will make a good teacher. i very much enjoyed getting to know new folks, and to feel as if i belong in the group of new teachers as well as those who were going for their Masters and even EdD. It felt so good to learn and to explore and to see my own thoughts and philosophies regarding education gel into a more concrete thing, and to be validated by a successful teacher as well. I enjoyed school, i enjoyed the challenge, the gratification, the validation of my intelligence and work ethic. And when i saw 3 As as my grades, it made me glow, don't get me wrong!

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i worked hard when i worked. i am one of the more dependable employees, and one of the hardest working ones, and i didn't slack no matter how busy i was. i even went in on days when i had class to help when i was needed. i worked when others quit, longer hours than i was scheduled to work, and i worked when i was sick or exhausted or had my mind on school. And i did it, and even though the manager isn't one to praise anyone, *i* know i did a good job and *i* know that i would do it again if i had to.

But i couldn't meet Padrone's needs.

i don't feel like a failure as a slave or as a woman, please don't get me wrong. i knew going into this that i would not be as available as i had been before, and while i hoped to be working at a school now and have a different set of circumstances, it hasn't worked out that way quite yet and all the emotions are a major roller coaster sometimes. i thought that we would have to continue to adjust immediately after i finished school, to a new routine, possibly including a long car drive, which would mean long hours of unavailability during the times he is awake. Maybe part of what i am feeling is due to the hope, the knowledge, that the adjustment will happen eventually, whether sooner or later i don't know but it *will* happen.

i'm marking time right now. i feel as if i am spinning my wheels, as if i have accomplished nothing. And when one looks at the job i had then and that i have it still, one might make that kind of statement in truth. Sometimes i can't help but to focus on that, since i am not fond of my job and i'm very tired of being totally bored at work. So it is easy to think about the fact that i spent a lot of time and energy on school and i'm still working at the same place i was. So in one way it is easy to focus on the wheel-spinning aspect. And yet i know that i have accomplished a lot personally and some professionally and that a door will open for me to move into the career i long for, and that it is just a matter of time before that happens. At least i am getting to practice my patience. :)

But....i'm not meeting Padrone's needs as fully as i believe he would like. This is my perception, nothing that he has said or done to make me feel that way, but i still believe it is a true statement.

So i feel as if i wasn't as successful as i hoped to be this summer. i KNOW Padrone is so very proud of me, that is not even a shadow of a doubt in my mind. i KNOW he is happy for the newfound confidence in my intelligence and ability to make good grades, and my realization of it. i KNOW he is glad i did it, not just giving permission for it but truly happy that i did this thing this summer.

But i know that he had needs that went unmet. i am deeply grateful and very gratified that he didn't feel the desire to seek out someone else to meet them. That is how we met, but i will say that his then-slave was offline totally for over a month, and with no contact whatsoever it would be very difficult NOT to have your needs met by someone else. Their relationship was nowhere near as stable, as firm, as committed, or as happy as ours is either. But that was then, and this is now, and no...Padrone didn't look elsewhere for someone to meet his needs.

But that meant that he had deep, strong needs. And i didn't meet them.

So what i feel now is a sense of pride, of happiness, but also a very real sense of bittersweet. The night before i finished all of my assignments, the night when i thought i would have been done based on the schedule, he gave me a peek into the need he had been carrying around for weeks. It didn't scare me as much as it worried me whether or not i would be able to handle all he needed to give, or to give all he needed to take. i began to worry about that, a lot, after seeing that peek into his extremely harsh side. And yes, i began to dread the time when that first use would happen.

We talked about it, eventually, and it was a difficult conversation (me crying, overemotional, not really sure what was wrong, but knowing i had a problem, him having no clue what was going on and not understanding my words through my tears). i am glad we did, and yes he has since used me although not in the harsh way i expected, and which i still expect and think it might be quite difficult for me. i'm not complaining, but i will say as i have said to Padrone - i will be glad when the first harsh use after his need was so strong for it, has happened already.

i don't know if any of this made any sense or not, but it's the best i can do to try to explain the unexpected, yet understandable, bittersweet emotions that i feel regarding what i did this summer.

Padrone, please don't misunderstand. i no longer dread the use, but i expect it to be deep, painful, harsh, and what i dread most is that i honestly believe you need the disconnection that happens sometimes when you express your dominance so powerfully. You have given and given and given to me this summer, and it is time for me to give back to you all you need. It NEEDS to be all about you, and i hope i can give enough, can take enough, to meet the very deepest need you have.

i am one very, very blessed woman, to be able to call myself Yours. Ti adoro, mio Padrone.

Whew

2010-08-09T10:01:00.000-05:00

Well, i'm finished with those classes, and i passed them with straight As. :) i'm proud of that particular accomplishment, and i freely admit that without Padrone's help it would not have been possible. i mean real, tangible, point-me-in-the-right-direction-cos-i'm-about-to-give-up kind of help. He didn't know specifics about my studies, but he did know how to show me the trees instead of the forest, so that i could move beyond being totally overwhelmed and begin to work on the major projects that were freaking me out, step by step and bit by bit. He calmed me down when i called him in tears, more than once.

i am blessed to have a Master who is highly intelligent, intuitive, logical, and can help show me things in an objective way that helps me to see the trees instead of the forest.

i still haven't found a teaching job yet, and since i haven't taken the GRE either, then i can't get into graduate school, so i am thinking seriously of taking some courses on the undergraduate level this semester for a couple of reasons. One, i could learn more about what i plan to teach, and two, i can keep my brain fresh, and practice the technology that is so important in schools today.

Padrone and i will talk more about that when i have better information. :)

Anyway, there is so much more i want to say, but alas, work is bellowing (again). i am so relieved to have these classes finished. They were FAR more intense and stressful than even *i* imagined, and the relief is HUGE to know that i did so well in them!

Padrone, thank You for the immense patience You showed me, both while i was in school and since then. Thank You for allowing me time to recover mentally and emotionally. Thank You for the strong, loving way You reestablished the dynamic, as we talked about before. i am so incredibly blessed to be Yours, my Padrone, and i strive to give You all i can to show my gratitude to the most wonderful Master for me that could ever be found.

i love You.

Five years and counting

2010-07-31T12:31:00.000-05:00

Five years ago today, Padrone placed a virtual but very real collar on my neck, and in my heart. i honestly can not begin to imagine life without this man at the helm of it.

i have not been able to let him know lately how i feel about him. i know it is always there, always expressed to a degree, but we have truly spoiled each other and when one of us is unavailable for whatever reason, it is a major hardship for the other. Lately, of course, i've been incredibly busy and focused on school. Yes, we both wanted this to happen, and yes, we both knew it was going to be difficult going in.

He really has been wonderful throughout this time. i have been so blessed, you know. i know it, i admit it, i accept it, i embrace it. And sometimes, sometimes, i take it for granted.

i hate that he has had unmet needs for quite some time lately. i hate that i have had to delay meeting those needs if i wanted to be successful in this endeavor. i hate it more than he knows. i hate it more than i can express. i feel incredible guilt most times i do things for myself, and even moreso with this particular situation because i don't "better" myself well.

That is for another post, however. i hope to be finished with all my schoolwork later tonight, so hopefully i will get to blog more soon.

Padrone, You have changed my world in dramatic and subtle ways. You have changed me. You have changed my future and my outlook on life. You have changed my behavior and my mentality. You have changed the way i think, the way i react, the way i perceive what is going on in my daily life.

i can never express how dependent upon You i have become, how much i need You, and how deeply surrendered to You i am. You have literally become the center of my world.

So many words to describe our life and the way i feel about You and being Yours, but nothing can ever express any of those things. Those words sound trite and bland compared to what we have, Padrone, no matter how honored i am to be able to say i am Your woman. You, Padrone, have literally taken a broken, hopeless person and turned her into the woman You own. How could i ever express the depths of the emotions You evoke?

The past five years are only a prelude to the rest of our lives. i can think of nothing fulfilling than being Yours forever. i love You. i am Yours.

Flying Colors

2010-07-11T09:38:00.000-05:00

Yep, that's how i passed that particular test! i'm SOOOOOOO relieved!!!! It really *was* one of those tests that could have gone either way. And come to find out (after every person in the class emailed her about a particular question, and she told us basically "suck it up and get it") that the graph didn't print correctly, so we really DIDN'T have all the data we needed to answer the questions asked. Somehow that felt good too, just deeply relieved...she ended up throwing out that question, and will show us the correct graph and we'll discuss the answer in class Thursday night, and i'm glad to know that too!

So now i'm really beginning to focus more on what happens when i'm finished with these classes. i HOPE to find a teaching job, but they're pretty scarce around this area this year. i haven't given up hope by any means, but i am aware of the possibility that i may not be able to teach until NEXT year. i also haven't given up hope of a mid-year teaching job either, so i'm kind of not wanting to burn any bridges....and yet....the possibility of returning to school full time for my Masters is highly appealing to me now. I'd really love it if i could get a graduate assistantship as well, but i don't know how many positions there are and how many openings there might be for those positions. i plan on checking on it tomorrow.

i also found out that the county north of me has an opening for a 4H agent, and i would qualify for that job. i'm applying for it too, and if i get it, then i go in that direction for a while at least. To be honest, at this point, i'm ready to take any professional job i can get (and feel that i would be happy working in - i *am* picky, even if i have a wide variety of interests and i'm not limiting myself to teaching and refusing to look at other options of any sort.

My hope is that one day i'll work for a year teaching special education, get my 5 year license, and then i could teach at the state school, making 10K per year more than in the public schools, and in a fun environment as well. BUT, working with 4H would be fun too, except i know nothing about some of the things that many agents know about - it's alright though, because nobody knows about everything!

i plan to spend time over the next few days job hunting, applying for school, and finishing work for my portfolio in one class, and other end-of-class assignments for the other two classes. It really is winding down now, and while i'll be as busy as ever, there is breathing room and light at the end of the tunnel now.

Padrone, as expected, has been absolutely wonderful, as usual. i know it sounds as if i take him for granted so often, but just know that i never could. i lived too long with someone who kept me so far down that i honestly doubted my ability to do any of this, even to figure out where to start. Padrone's absolute encouragement has been my beacon, and i get so emotional when i think of how much he gives me and doesn't even realize it...

Padrone, i'm saving the "mushiness" for an after-school post. i've told You repeatedly, though, how much Your encouragement, support, and putting aside Your own needs for a while, not to mention the help with my website, has meant to me. i adore You, and i am, always, Your enslaved love.

Finally a breather

2010-07-08T12:09:00.000-05:00

But not for long, of course - lol.

A brief update about school. It's been really difficult. Not the material itself, rather the workload on top of working all the hours i am working at my job. i had never done a power point presentation before, but i'm not a ppt virgin anymore! i have learned how to submit an assignment on the computer program they wanted, and i have scanned and emailed assignments, learned about APA formatting, and am becoming best friends with my printer. It's been really amazing that the biggest difficulty i have faced in the sheer VOLUME of work they expect, along with learning how to present what i know. i really expected a different set of difficulties but they haven't really been an issue so far.

The test i did over last weekend was though. i'm not even gonna comment on it until i know how i did. It's one of those things that could go either way, and i have absolutely no way of guessing which way it *will* go.

Padrone has been absolutely wonderful through all of this. i am reminded daily of how lucky i am to be His slave. Our relationship is based on D/s of course, and i do still live within the framework (as best i can, Padrone has told me to do my best, so the things that i struggle with, i have simply left off, like remembering to tell Him what i spend every day)...and i know that's a way of showing my submission, but of course we both need more. It is easier for me since i have school taking up so much of my mental energies, and Padrone would never demand anything of me right now. But i hate that HIS needs aren't being met very well. i know He expected it, and i know He is alright with it, it is just the submissive part of me that hates knowing that He puts His needs aside for a time so that i can fulfill a dream. Yes, i know He is doing His job in taking care of me and making sure i am happy and moving forward in life. But i am going to serve Him soon, that i assure you.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how this man, who has never met me and who lives across the ocean, could be so important in my life. i'll blog about that when this is done and i can do it justice, but for now i will simply say that Padrone is the perfect man for me, and deserves all i can give Him, and i will give Him all i have and all i am.

Right now, i'm horny but more for the absolute surrender that comes from being totally controlled, than for actual sex. i need to beg and scream and plead....for pain, for pleasure, for whatever YOU need, Padrone. God i need to give all of myself to You soon...very soon.

Padrone, thank You. Halfway there now, with a few big projects to go, and thank You for the website, as well, Padrone. You are so wonderful to me, and You have no idea how much i appreciate Your help and support and encouragement, and patience (which i know has been tried often lately). i adore You, and am so gratefully and wonderfully Yours.

Still Here, kinda

2010-06-18T09:28:00.002-05:00

i've been reading blogs, now and then, but school is kicking my butt and i have NO time to post. Just wanted y'all to know i haven't disappeared.

i'll be back, eventually. Can't say i didn't warn ya!

Memorial Day

2010-05-30T21:39:00.003-05:00

In Flanders Fields By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Is a 4 year old (blog) still a baby?

2010-05-26T21:24:00.000-05:00

i have been blogging for 4 years now! It's amazing to think that it was so long ago when i began this blog, and to think of all that has happened to me, to Padrone, to us and to our families and lives since then.

Four years ago i hadn't even been collared a year yet! Now it's almost 5...just wow. i have let it slide and not typed here as often as i meant to when i first began, and i know i have been redundant at times, but overall i think it's a very real and revealing snapshot of how i have changed in the past few years...something i naively didn't expect to see when i began this blog.

Padrone, i'm glad You enjoy my words, that's for sure!

i love You, my Master.

P.S.

2010-05-26T12:23:00.002-05:00

Sometimes being a slave is not easy.

i love You, Padrone.

What, me worry?

2010-05-26T12:03:00.000-05:00

Well, one week from now i will have completed my first class on campus, the first class i have taken in 24 years. Should be...interesting. Yes, i'm getting nervous about it, and feeling more and more challenged and....yes, terrified of failure...as the days pass. Oh well, i know i'll make it, i just worry about at what cost.

See, lately i've had connection problems with my tethering program, or my blackberry, or the cell signal, or something. Doesn't matter what, it just matters that i have been on and offline, sometimes several times, during the times we have had together lately. And my daughter has let the cordless phone die, and "can't find it" now. And i had to do something to make the connection more stable, so i got dialup again. i hate dialup. i wanted satellite internet, but it wasn't an option. So i'm back in the dark ages again.

But i'm having a difficult time within myself (sounds stupid i know), because Padrone's patience ran totally out with my lack of availability given my connection problems, and that makes me worry a lot about his patience when i can't be online because of a paper due, or the need to study, or work, or drive, or whatever. Or maybe the worry isn't when one of those things happens, but when it happens time and time again.

i KNOW he understands that i'll be getting a lot busier soon, but these classes are really going to eat into our time - not only the classes themselves, but the fact that any homework or assignments or studying for tests will have to be done around classes AND a work schedule, AND our time together, AND parenting, AND son with classes, AND daughter with job, and....

i don't know how i am going to do it, not at all.

And given the fact that when Padrone has wanted to use me, i have had connection issues, and when it's been more stable he hasn't wanted to use me, yet he still gets rather....impatient....when i'm not available for use when he wants it....i worry.

i worry about how *i'll* handle it if he gets impatient with me for not being available, knowing that i could have taken one or two classes this summer, and waited until next summer to take the rest. Or i could have taken it all online this fall, but over a longer time period. And yes, Padrone did look over the options i had, and this option will be the best in terms of several factors, not only the speed with which i can get certified. He is the one who had the final say in this, i know that intellectually.

i just know that last night i was reprimanded for not already having had dialup, and it was stormy weather and i was knocked offline and it was quite frustrating because Padrone wanted to use me and it wasn't possbile. So i spent an hour or so finding a dialup service for my local area, and finally got signed up for it. When i got online this morning, there was nothing. No comment whatsoever, nothing to indicate that he was glad, or that it was about time, or even acknowledging that i had done what i was supposed to do, even after he got upset that i hadn't already done it last night. (i was hoping to stay with a local company, which had limited office hours, which is why the delay - but i went with a national one after all, to expedite things... and that's why i hadn't already done it, btw, because lack of time when they were open.)

i was pretty disappointed, frankly. i know i was only disappointed because i had hopes of at least a comment. But when i mentioned that i was on dialup, i got a nod in reply.

i worry about what happens this summer when i bust my butt to make things easy for him, and routine and all the things i always *try* to do (which aren't always noticed unless i fail in my efforts, like with the connection issues)....i worry about my own reactions if that kind of thing is taken as his due.

i know i know. It IS his due. That's what i signed up for. i do realize that, intellectually. And i AM the one who signed up for it all...the relationship, the job, the school, the kids, all of it. All my choice, so nobody to blame but myself if i struggle, and if i fail. It's not Padrone's responsibility to acknowledge anything i do, and maybe i'm spoiled because he does at times recognize that things aren't always easy for me. But lately, i think he needs the physical expression of my submission and surrender to him, and it hasn't happened in quite some time, and so the fact that i did that last night maybe *was* something that he just needed me to do to express that surrender, i don't know.

All i know is that i am going to be stretched thinner than i ever have since we've been together (except when i had surgery, but that was a different situation entirely, definitely NOT a choice there), and even what my seem like small gestures, or routine things, may take a LOT of focus to make happen. i know that. i'm prepared for it. i guess i just....hope Padrone understands it as well.

i'm really nervous and worried, you know.

And...what use is there in worrying, or in whining, or in borrowing trouble? i think i'm kind of latching onto something "concrete" to validate my worries, maybe. But i really am concerned that i won't be able to give all things to all people while i am...finally...giving to myself as well. It may be the guilt that i feel that will create the problem, to the point that i sabotage myself in my classes. It may be that my daughter loses out because i have given too much to my son. It may be that i begin to resent Padrone. It may be that i begin to hate myself for not knowing how to do anything without giving all i have to it, even parenting.

And it may be that i cuss a customer out and get fired - lol.

All i know is that i am worried. i am excited for what the future holds, and yet i am extremely worried about getting through the "fire" of this summer, first.

Sorry for the whiny-butt, worry-filled post.

Padrone, this summer will try your patience far more than the recent connection problems did, by far. i just hope and pray that it won't be too hard, Padrone. Please, please hang in here with me, and please...just know i will do my very best in all things, to juggle all the "balls" i'll have going on, and to make sure that if anything is done poorly, it isn't our relationship. This, too, shall pass, eventually. i am sorry, Padrone.

Well, Hello Again

2010-05-22T15:46:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since i typed here, not from lack of desire to do so, but from lack of time mostly. i've been working and finalizing everything i needed to do for school, AND applying for jobs and i've even had one interview at least!

i've still got some emotions "simmering" from the last deeply humiliating time with Padrone. It was something i did that i had imagined doing many, many times. It was always interesting, harsh, humiliating, degrading, emotional, difficult, humiliating, and....did i mention humiliating?

This one "got" me. i can't deal with all the emotions right now, i have FAR too much on my plate. It will eventually surface and have to be dealt with, but i sincerely hope it won't be anytime soon. i like when emotions are calm. We both love when things are "boring".

Son is home from school, waiting for time for his own online classes to start. Daughter is studying for her college entrance exam, and i'm getting "antsy" to begin my classes. For Mother's Day i got a new messenger bag, large enough for a laptop as well as the books i'll need for any given class. i have orientation this week, and hopefully i can get my books and supplies then. i'll have to check and see if my Tuesday night class will begin on the 1st or if it will be the following week.

i'm nervous and excited and anxious and ready!

EXCEPT for the fact that i honestly believe it will be something that will affect our relationship...or maybe it will just affect the time we have to spend together. i really hope it doesn't, but i know me, and i know how .... single minded i can become. i hope Padrone is ready for lots of discussions about special ed, and classroom management!

We've not had a lot of time to spend specifically devoted to the D/s aspects of our relationship lately, but it's still there. Sometimes it's just the latency that makes it so more special when the D/s comes to the forefront. This man, this man is such a wonderful, wonderful man.

i am so lucky. This man that owns me is one of the most understanding people i have ever met. He loves that i am pursuing my dream, even though it may mean a bit of stress in our relationship, and in my life, for a time. He encourages me, supports me, makes sure i make the time to do what i am supposed to do, and i know he'll be the same way with my school. i know he'll make sure i've studied or done my papers or whatever. Two nights a week our time will be either nonexistent or earlier than usual - not a major problem but an adjustment. i guess that's what i know will have to happen - lots of adjustments.

And i feel incredibly guilty for it - for all the adjustments. Sometimes it seems as if our entire relationship has been a series of nothing more than adjustments, and they all come from my side. Stresses, changes, dramas, emergencies....adjustments...constantly, it seems like.

But i know Padrone doesn't mind - too much at least! He understands, accepts, and usually loves that my life is what he calls "interesting" *rolling eyes*. And here i have always thought i was nothing more than a country girl with a boring, boring life!

i'm ready, Padrone, for classes to begin. i'm ready to make the next step towards the future. i'm ready to find out about whether or not i got the job i interviewed for, or to find another one. i'm ready for things to settle, in a very, very good way, Padrone. i'm ready to teach, to make better money, to have a better schedule, to have more benefits. i'm ready to have more to offer You, Padrone, of myself, my heart, my time, my emotions. i long to give You all You deserve, my Owner, although i know that i will never ever accomplish that, no matter how hard i try. All i can give is what You already own - all of me.

Songs, school and sexy fun!

2010-05-08T14:07:00.001-05:00

Another song or two of Padrone's, to begin this post:

i am SO excited about school! It starts in 3 weeks or so, and i think all my ducks are in a row - they have my transcripts, my applications, my fees are paid, AND i had to have a shot! (how the heck am i supposed to prove i had my MMR shot 1000 years ago??? and it was cheaper to be re-immunized than to have the test run to find out if i am already immune.) So there i went, and got stuck *sniff* and faxed *that* to them too!

i hope to find out about financial aid very soon, and then i'll decide whether or not i'll keep my job and try to work while taking 3 summer classes or not. i remember when i was a LOT younger, and in school for the first time, taking summer classes while working full time. But even then i had the sense to only take one at a time!

Can you tell i'm getting a wee bit nervous here?

i've found a neat blog that many of you may already know about, but cammie works quite hard to find pics and videos of free BDSM related things, and posts them regularly. It has to take quite a bit of time, and i admire her for her dedication. Check it out, as it really is squirm-inducing fun!

For now, i'm going to go talk with Padrone for a bit when he gets online, finish a bit of laundry, and work tonight oh joy.

All of you mothers have a wonderful, happy Mothers Day!

A New Leaf?

2010-05-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

i've had several thoughts running around in my mind that i have wanted to type about here, but they would never "gel" into anything that i could communicate coherently...maybe because i still had some sort of unresolved issue regarding them, which i never realized because they seemed like two separate thought processes when in reality there was a thread between them that i was missing entirely.

And if you understand that, you deserve a gold star!

While i was gone on vacation, i did have the opportunity to talk with Padrone a couple of times, for which i am so deeply grateful. We usually have wonderful conversations when the mood strikes us - about our relationship i mean. (Of course about other things as well, but specific to my thoughts this time i mean relationship topics).

Maybe we are a bit different from other folks in D/s relationships, i don't know, but our first conversation was about commitment, and how important commitment is in any relationship, not just D/s...but that the commitment, if taken seriously, is the most important ingredient to a D/s relationship of any sort.

That sounds like a "well duh" kind of statement, and of course it is when taken at face value. But as is so often the case, actions really do speak louder than words. Feeling submissive, or Dominant, is only *part* of the equation of a happy relationship. It is as Padrone has told me throughout our relationship - feelings matter, of course, but actions are what matters most. In other words, if one is truly committed to their relationship and the role they play in it, then they'll do what is expected or required of them, even when they don't feel like it.

And yes, that goes for Dominants as well. As Padrone pointed out to me, there are times when he simply isn't in the mood to listen to me whine about my kids, my job, my lack of money, my fears, whatever, and yet he knows that, as my Master, it is something he "signed on" to do. He takes care of me in ways that i try hard not to take for granted but which i often don't realize at all - like that example. i apologize now and then for whining so much, but he usually brushes it off for the most part, so i never realized that there are times when he simply doesn't want to hear it.

Will that change my behavior? i doubt it, mainly because of two things...first, he has always, in the past, not let me talk if he didn't want me to (either by changing subjects, or using me, or some other tactic that prevented me from talking about things he didn't want to hear about), and second, because i do need to vent at times, and he is the natural and really the only one i have to vent to - who knows about all the "vent-worthy" details of my life at least.

And see....he is doing his "job" in our relationship, just as i am doing when i go to him for guidance or opinions or whatever (which is my way of describing my whininess - lol!)

If he only acted as he pleased, which is the misconception many people have about this lifestyle, then he wouldn't listen to me nearly as often as he does.

And of course the opposite side of the / is far more obvious when it comes to "doing it anyway". So many people focus on a slave's obedience to rules, and punishment for disobedience, that they forget that slaves are human too, and also that there is *far* more to a slave than an automatic obedience and adherence to rules.

i am so very, very lucky that Padrone has never lost sight of that about me, however. And that was the resultant affirmation of our conversation that night and the next morning as well... that it is due to my proven commitment to him, to our relationship, and to my role as his slave... so obvious to him....that allows him to (when circumstances warrant, or when i beg for mercy) feel alright about excusing me from consequences now and then. Case in point - the day before we left to go on vacation was very busy, as i am sure you could imagine. i missed a text, and as soon as i realized it, i sent one apologizing and saying that i would write the lines but i didn't have a clue when i could do it (they're due by my midnight, and i worked until 11:45 if i got off on time)....so he excused me from the lines, something he rarely does but which he felt was not any problem because over the years of my required hourly texts, i have missed so few texts that he knows how committed i am to doing it. It was a mistake, one of those things caused by circumstances that i couldn't prevent or avoid, and my past actions had shown that the only way i miss a text is due to being quite busy, or blogging (i just sent one for this hour, yay me!) or something that requires concentration on something other than the clock.

i have a feeling i'm chasing rabbits here, trying to explain something, and i haven't even gotten very far in what i am trying to say! Ugh.

The second conversation was kind of a continuation of the first, although it was far more emotional for me since i had failed to give Padrone what he wanted or needed from me. i was unable to summon even a spark of arousal, no matter what Padrone did or had me do, and usually it takes little for me to become aroused! i was crying and upset with myself, because i so rarely offer myself sexually without his indication that he wants me to feel sexual, that it affects me even more strongly the extremely rare times when i can't become aroused at all.

So i was really disappointed in myself, and i knew i had disappointed him too, but he took a long, long time to reassure me that the fact that i *did* everything he asked of me, no matter what i *felt* like doing, proves my commitment to him and to my slavery. i hated it, but he reassured me that he was NOT disappointed in me, rather he was very pleased with me...that my submission is far more important to him that my orgasm or even arousal is.

And that one just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.

i mean...

This man is proud of me for trying and failing, simply because i tried with all my heart. Who ever heard of such a thing? Especially when it comes to sex?

i wasn't quite sure of myself anymore, and that surprised me tremendously. He had said those things to me before, and i thought i had "gotten" it as well, but that particular conversation really floored me. i really am not "judged" based on my performance as his slave, y'all. i really "am" valued because i try so hard to please him, no matter how i feel.

It isn't about proving myself, although in the beginning there was that element of course, on both sides. It is about being committed and showing it. Living it. Being who i am, even when i'm inconvenienced or pissed off about being told to do something i don't want to do. Even when i have a pissy attitude, or when i'm distracted by other things in my life. It's about *being* a slave, not just calling myself one.

It's about making Padrone happy.

Which leads me to the possible new leaf. i say "possible" because while the last couple of days have been surprising and felt good to DO, i know that my old inhibitions and habits aren't necessarily conquered, and i can't force this or it will cause major problems in the long run. Padrone is wise enough to understand it, for which i am eternally grateful.

But starting yesterday, i began to feel horny. i didn't just feel it for a moment and not say anything (even though i know he loves to know i'm horny, it is something that is difficult for me to admit for some reason) i know it has to do with my history, and while i have made GREAT strides in dealing with and healing from past issues, this one has eluded me for a long time.

i sent a text saying that i wish i was being used, and briefly described the use i was fantasizing about. Yes i was at work, but hey, it happens even there too! (need, not use) When i got home, i was still horny, and i told him so via email...maybe another text, but i don't remember. i was surprised about the continued arousal, because if i am aroused independently of Padrone's wishes and use...in other words, if physiology creates the arousal, it usually only lasts a few minutes. (yes, i know, i have issues to discover the cause of and deal with).

i slept poorly since i kept waking up filled with need and fantasies. When i woke for the morning, i sent my good morning text and said as best i could in italian that his slave was still quite horny this morning. That kind of thing is so hard for me, and i know it has to do with fear of being rejected and such, as well as other things, but i did it, and i wasn't really hesitant to do so.

That was the surprising thing. Today, last night, i felt more free from the demons and fears that have held me back from expressing myself sexually so obviously. It is strange, but i used to be able to do that without even thinking about it. So i have been worrying and even stressing a bit over my inability to open up without Padrone's direction in that area of our relationship.

But last night...today....it felt right. And Padrone's response was so very perfect - he didn't make a big issue out of it, didn't try to "encourage" me or even comment on in much. And as we talked this morning, as he was using me, there was even laughter and lighthearted comments. i could *feel* his love, even if he hadn't spoken the words (which are always wonderful to hear, Padrone), and his pleasure. He was so happy, so happy that i could finally do that.

And all of that was encouraging to me, and right now the walls seem as far down as they have been for a couple of days now - not totally gone, but....at a point that i can "scale" them. In other words, it still isn't ... comfortable, i guess is the best word to use here ... but it isn't the impossible thing it seemed a few short days ago.

i hope it is indeed that i have "turned over a new leaf", and not some sort of temporary aberration or something.

Padrone, i always love to end my posts with a personal word for You, but today i honestly can't say more than i already have said, and shown. You know my commitment to You, to us, to my slavery. You know i will do all i can even when i can't give what You are specifically asking for - my obedience is all i *can* give sometimes. And ... i hope....i can but hope ... that the wonderful thing that happened this morning, continued from yesterday, will be an ever-present part of our relationship from now on. i won't promise to work on it, because i don't want to focus too intently and overanalyze any form of spontaneity that may happen...but i *will* promise not to extinguish any spontaneity that may happen, either. i truly hope that i will be able to offer You more and more of the sexual being You own, in ways that are fun and natural and pleasing. You deserve no less, my wonderful, wonderful Padrone.

Don't say i didn't warn ya!

2010-04-27T13:02:00.000-05:00

i'm baaaa-aaaack. (evil laugh)

And i'm sharing a song. Randomly. Cutesy, and cheesy, and stuff, but it's how i feel about Padrone and our life and our relationship.

,

Padrone asked me yesterday before we left to come home, if i was ready to go back to my real life. My answer was not a simple yes or no (how could it be, it was ME answering, sheesh!). i am ready to begin my future...so i was ready to come back here and get through what i have to experience in order to do just that.

i mean, i was in a log cabin, in the woods, in the mountains (well, maybe the beginnings of the mountains but still gorgeous and hilly for me), right beside a river....daughter was occupied with boyfriend, his family were simply WONDERFUL people, and they even left me alone for a couple of evenings so i could have a "vacation" - who in their right mind, in the same circumstances, would want to come home???

But it was time. It's time for me to do my FASFA, finish the paperwork, get signed up for classes, find out about financial aid, let the boss know what she can expect from my schedule, and stress about my ability to do it all - lol - as usual!

It's time for me to focus on my future, on the career that will enable me to *have* a future. It's time to focus on time management, finding a teaching job, jumping through all the hoops necessary to get there from here. It's time for me to begin to understand that what i have worked towards for so long is going to happen, and to prepare to work, learn, and grow into the best teacher i can be, the teacher i have always longed to be.

Yep, sappy i know. i'm kind of glad i can be "sappy" about my job at my age. It's like i lived the first part of my adult life for my kids and others....and now i can live the second part for Padrone and myself. i kinda like that. (oh yeah, i'm SURE the kids will benefit from it, but i'm not doing this directly for them.)

But 3 summer classes, at one time????

*faints*

In case you're wondering, i've been out of school for around....let's see....105 years or so. This is going to be quite challenging, to put it mildly!

But i'll make it. The goal is too close now, and failure is not an option.

When i look at how far i have come from the timid, frightened, hesitant girl i was when Padrone met me, to the more confident and happy and secure woman i am today, i know that there is nothing i could set my mind to do that i couldn't find a way to accomplish. But the reason i am this way is because of one thing, and one thing only.

i have worked so hard to be pleasing to Padrone, that i have actually become the person He envisioned me to be a long time ago. He has always believed in me, once he got to know me well at least. He has always seen my potential, my abilities, when i have dwelt on my failures and inabilities. He has encouraged me even without saying anything, simply his expectation that i would do well, succeed, and rise above circumstances... and those things were the foundation of anything i have done, or will do in the future.

If i fly, it is because Padrone truly *is* the "wind beneath my wings".

And i love You with all that i am, and all that i will ever be, my Master, my Love, my Padrone.

Vacation, here i come!

2010-04-20T08:52:00.000-05:00

My daughter apologized yesterday for the timing of this trip. There is an actual "reason" we are taking this trip at this particular time, but it is as i told her, other than being a bit careful with the finances, the timing is perfect.

When we get back on Monday night, i will have a little over a month before school starts, which is plenty of time to obsess and get myself all worked up about if i can actually do it or not. As long as there is a full crew at work, i'm not working such long hard hours, so i hope to be able to relax mentally before i start school. And of course, there is no way i could have done anything like this at all after June 1, because of school and money, and then teaching would require me to only take a break when they allow, which would mean we would not get to go anywhere for *this* long, until Christmas break. So the timing is actually good, believe it or not - lol.

We leave in the morning, bright and early, but i'll have internet access while we're gone, at least to check email and my farmville crops (hey, i *do* have priorities, yanno!), and maybe spend time with Padrone, although of course i have no idea what our specific agenda is - only for a few things, and that's fine. We'll play it all by ear, and that is what i am so deeply, deeply grateful for.

My plan is to go and relax, not think about work, or school....well, maybe school, i'm pretty excited about that....or the ex or anything....except simply relaxing...having fun....laughing and smiling a lot....focusing on Padrone even if we can't spend as much time together as we would like .... and "recharge my batteries" a bit.

That's a phrase that i can "feel" the meaning of, but i honestly don't know how to explain it well. i feel drained, still, even though i am better than i was. This trip couldn't have come at a better time for me, personally, than now. i really do need a time away from the stress, the simple daily stresses as well as the extra stress at work to perform better, constantly better, nothing ever "quite" good enough...that is a huge, heavy burden and i honestly don't know why but it is.

At any rate, a time of having some of the burdens temporarily lifted will serve to strengthen my "shoulders" so that i can carry the load a bit further. i'm so very, VERY, VERY grateful to Padrone for allowing me to go.

Padrone, thank you doesn't say enough, not by a long shot. But i think you know just how badly this is needed, and how very much it will help me to serve you and please you and be a more relaxed, loving woman as well as a slave who doesn't complain so much about things. You are so good to me, Padrone, and i could never live without you.

Much Ado About....Much

2010-04-17T11:53:00.000-05:00

This week has been one of those "good news/bad news/good news" weeks. After the excitement of so many things falling into place last week, of course something traumatic had to happen!

Since i really don't remember what i typed here, i'll start with the good news of last week. i've learned that the program i have to enroll in, in order to get my one year certificate, is offered at the school where my son goes, and it is 3 classes in the summer, and an "internship" of 3 hours - nothing more than paid student teaching from what i understand. If there is more involved, i'll do it though. :) Anyway, 2 of the 3 classes are offered online, since i am doing the Special Education route, and that makes me VERY happy, believe me!

I'll get student loans to pay for it, since the school has gotten state department of education approval to provide this program in such a way that meets the Stafford Loan requirements. And when i was an undergraduate, i didn't have to take many student loans because of scholarships, so i never met the limit of maximum allowed and i could probably take loans out to finance a doctorate if i wanted to. *stress,stress, NOT*

Anyway, i'll be in school from June 1 - July 31, and only driving one day per week, which is really nice. i have a feeling i may have to go to campus to take exams with the other classes, but that's alright, i can handle that. i'm kind of excited, could you tell???

So i was flying HIGH, until earlier this week. i did something that got myself in trouble at work, and i accepted the responsibility for it, but the way i was treated afterwards really upset me and got my "back up". i honestly thought i was being terminated for something that i was told i was merely being "written up" for, and i got very, very upset. Poor, poor Padrone! i honestly don't see how he can put up with me sometimes, and the drama that i hate so much but which seems to be a constant part of my roller-coaster life.

That all worked itself out, though, thank God. Now i am again focusing on my application process and preparatory work for this program, and i am SO excited about it. i can't wait until i get the letter saying "you're in" and my schedule and my account and books and....i think i'm gonna LIKE being a student again, if i can get past the fear that i've forgotten everything i've learned. i know, i'm typical - lol.

AND, since the boss finally hired someone to replace the girl she fired a few weeks, ago, then i learned that it was physically possible for me to ask Padrone if i could take my daughter on a road trip. She has saved a ton of money, and is paying for the vast majority of it herself. i spent a LOT of time with my son while he was working on his Eagle Scout award, and planning his court of honor to celebrate, and so many other things as well, that she deserves this. i have been promising her for a long time, and this year is almost perfect timing. So i asked Padrone about it, and he gave his permission! We leave on Wednesday, will be coming home the following Monday. Man, am i excited!!!

It has been such an emotional week. i think i have been under so much stress that i am losing the ability to maintain control over my emotions as much as possible. i am so grateful...so GRATEFUL...to Padrone for the chance to simply go away for a while. We're not planning a hugely busy time, we both just want to hang out with each other and with some friends we're meeting. We have a couple of things planned, but for the most part it will be just relaxing and "chilling".

Oh man do i look forward to it!

And i know Padrone is ready for some ... well, i almost said boring times, but i know he is excited about the next few months for me, even though he knows it will be quite busy and of course stressful, from my current job, to school, to job hunting, to starting a new job knowing i am being supervised....but it will ALL be worth it in the long run, stress will be eased after a few months of different types of stress.

When my life is a bit easier financially and i have a job i love and have wanted for years and will enjoy, then i know some of the stress will leave. i'll be able to ... be a better slave to Padrone. He doesn't complain now, and that's something i am even more grateful for .

This i can say without any doubt. i would not be doing what i am doing, if Padrone weren't in my life. His encouragement and acceptance of my dreams have made ALL the difference in my life and in my future, and therefore in our future. i honestly didn't have the ability to do it on my own.

And it will take the rest of my life to show just how much he has changed it, and just how grateful, happy, joyful, peaceful, and simply content i am as his slave, but even more importantly, as his woman.

i love You, Padrone. Thank you.

Missing Padrone

2010-04-10T21:17:00.000-05:00

Yes, we have seen each other a couple of times today. Yes, we have had some good communication. Yes, we do plan to see each other again tomorrow.

But i miss him anyway.

Today there was a small town festival in our little town, and it is the kind of thing that speaks of small town America at its core. Those of you from the US probably know exactly what i am talking about, or many of you will at least. The rest of you may have seen this kind of thing on movies set in the US, or have similar traditions in your areas.

Craft vendors, food of all sorts (yes, i DID resist the funnel cakes!), inflatable outdoor playground for kids, pony rides, even this year a miniature golf course!, lots of churches and civic organizations selling raffle tickets (that $500 sure would have been nice to have won!), local talent showcased on a portable stage, and thousands of people!

And i really, really wanted to have Padrone there with me, holding his hand as we wandered around and smiled and laughed. i'd love to share a funnel cake, to explain "chicken on a stick" (even if he didn't eat it because it's chicken), to watch him watching all the butts on display in the heat today (hehehe), to take his picture with the sheriff, and just to enjoy the day with him there with me.

i did feel incredibly close to him today, as i usually do the few times i am not with at least one of my kids or at work. i guess it is because i can focus on him more fully, let him take over my thoughts since i no longer have to split them between work, kids, and him. i took several pics and sent them to him, and have a few more to send as well, after checking my sent emails to see which ones i actually sent - lol.

But it is times like today that i really feel the geographical distance between us most keenly.

Padrone, i thoroughly enjoyed going to the festival today, and i am so glad you wanted me to go. Thank you, Padrone. i loved sharing my day with you the way i did, and am even more glad you enjoyed it as well. i am always half worried that you will feel left out of my life by me sending those pics, but i fully know that if you don't want to see them, you'll tell me.

i love You, Padrone, and i am so glad to have You in my life. i am grateful that you understand, as no one else can, the emotions of being yours but without being with you physically. i miss you, today, Padrone. And i know you miss me as well.

Changes that don't really change things

2010-04-08T12:09:00.000-05:00

First, a comment to Padrone:

Padrone, this post will be, in some ways, a recap of this morning's phone conversation. There will be newer things added though, because of course my mind doesn't stop once it latches onto a concept until it's completely finished!

Lately, as in the past several months at least, i have had to focus on myself quite a bit. It's been necessary, and i was working towards doing something Padrone *wants* me to do, so he hasn't only understood, but he has actively encouraged me to do so. He made me study, encouraged me when i would have given up otherwise, and the most bothersome to me, he set his own needs and desires aside to enable me to focus on what is going on here.

i am incredibly grateful to this man who wants me to be all i can be, to fulfill the potential i had begun to feel was nothing more than dust, and to accomplish things i have only dreamed of in the past.

But one unforeseen, and somewhat unnoticed, side effect of all of this has been that Padrone had stopped exerting his control above my framework of rules, and scening now and then, and the ocassional text ordering me to do something.

i found out that i passed the test on Tuesday morning. Since i am the type of person i am, the first thing i wanted to do was to find out what my next step will be, including different programs and time tables and if i can get a job in the fall and things like that. Padrone said no. i had to take two days totally off, to celebrate and simply enjoy my success. That was VERY hard to do, at first, but yesterday i found myself more relaxed than i have been in a long, long time. The beautiful time we had together yesterday helped quite a bit too, of course, but really it was his telling me no that did it.

i guess that prepared me mentally for a kind of breakthrough of sorts.

Breakthrough may be too strong a word, but it feels appropriate so i am using it.

Last night i did something that i have only ever done for Padrone, something that i am quite good at most of the time, even i must admit that! It's sexual in nature, but not for me - basically, since one-handed typing leads to boring typing, and all the "work" is on the woman in that kind of situation anyway, when he has a strong need to cum, he will tell me to serve him, and since i have asked for him to let me know if he has specific needs or desires, he will let me know things to include. What that means is that i basically type out a scene within the framework of his specific needs, and am free to express my surrender in any other ways as well.

It's fun, most of the time, except actually *starting* it!

Last night as the scene progressed, i used some terminology i have never used before, and it started the mental wheels spinning. We've been exploring humiliation/degradation to a degree lately, although most recently it's been ignored because of circumstances in my life. And that was what struck me full force - how much Padrone has put aside his own needs out of consideration for my situation. i think that, upon beginning the service with the pain he needed, the need to simply become nothing more than meat for his pleasure took over my entire being as evidenced by the cruelty, the coldness, i attributed to Padrone, and the fact that i called myself a generic word - animal. Not even bitch or fuckpig, no specific anything, i had no identity at that point beyond a hole to fuck or pulverized meat to torment even more.

It struck me then, and developed into so much more later, that i am ready for whatever Padrone needs from me. i know that sounds rather odd, after all the time we have been together, but i know Padrone so well you see, and i know that he restrains himself not only due to circumstances, but also out of consideration for me - for my emotions, my stress levels, my convenience even. Of course, with long distance, circumstances play a major factor in controlling my daily life, and Padrone himself is no micromanager so that leaves me with a sense of freedom that i didn't understand completely, and which also kind of....well, hurt to a degree.

See, since our communication is mostly one-sided unless we're in conversation (i.e. i text and email HIM, but rarely vice versa), it was more difficult to *know* that Padrone did more than have passing thoughts of me throughout his day. i KNOW i am silly, and i really wasn't even thinking about it, much less freaking out over it. i just noticed it today when he mentioned a specific *way* he restrains himself, and i thought...wow. i never knew that.

i also never realized how much....he just wants to use random things, meaningless things, to exert his control. i say meaningless, but what i mean is that they mean nothing except that i will do what he says, even if i don't want to, or think it's silly or not productive, or whatever. The example he gave was something he used to do quite often but which hasn't been done in a while - he will text and tell me to go to position, or kneel in a corner, and use a toy in a specific hole, and whether or not i am allowed to cum. For instance, i may get a text saying "Go to position with the vibe buzzing in that ass for 5 minutes. No cumming." or different variations thereof.

He also mentioned telling me to go back home when i'm in town, even if i get pissed about it - lol. The only time i'll get really angry i think, is if i have been grocery shopping and am halfway through, and would have to start over again when i go back, but then again, if i'm at the library relaxing, i may get pissed too, i never know!

i never knew that he thought things like that often, because he rarely acts on it, and...he has never told me he does. That's what hurt when i realized it, but it is a natural consequence of the one-sidedness of our daily communication. It won't change, and i won't nag him, so i will trust that he will discover that telling me things like his needs (even if they are passing urges, if they are typical things for him), will allow me to try to think of ways to help meet them, even if only partially so. For instance, once i knew of his ... thoughts about controlling me that popped up during the day, but which at times he couldn't act on because he might come online and find a text saying i had gone to town or something, i came up with an idea that will possibly give him the opportunity to control me more, and also to kind of give him an idea of how urgent my plans for the day are so he will know if i can be flexible or if it would be impossible to obey an interruption if he so chose.

So i am going to send a general "to do list" for the day to him. i'm not a great planner (from day to day - goal setting and plans to meet the goals, i am learning to do better), especially when i'm not held accountable for the plans being fulfilled, so i'm generally pretty flexible with my time off work. If he knows, for instance, that i plan to clean the kitchen and the bathroom, go grocery shopping, and do laundry, and that's all....he knows i have some flexibility. If i have to get my daughter to or from work, or have some sort of appointment, that's totally different, but that's just life in general. It will be my responsibility to plan ahead enough to be able to let him know what i expect to do, though, and that will mean remembering, which means i have to drag my planner out again. Not a bad thing, but i am far more comfortable with spontaneity, even though i am more productive when using a planner!

Anyway, i am typing about all of this for a couple of reasons. First, because it feels as if i am missing something that i could, or should, do to .... become more available for control at his whim, maybe? What else can i offer, how else can i give him the information that would make it easier for him to control me as he wishes?

Another reason is because it helps to clarify things in my own mind when i do type things out like this. This post is a bit more graphic and specific than i usually type, but that's fine. It doesn't hurt to give a little insight into just *how* things work with us. And that was the last identifiable reason i typed all this, btw - lol.

i *know* Padrone. He has my best interests at heart, and there are times when he treats me more as woman than as slave, and yet that is something i deeply treasure about our relationship. i don't see it as a hindrance, as some others do, unless it gets out of balance, or unless it prevents Padrone from expressing what he needs or wishes to express. If he begins to suppress his need to control me because of how the woman may feel, then it can eventually lead into a problem for the D/s aspects of our relationship. i strongly believe that every successful D/s relationship has a good overall balance of D/s and non-D/s aspects, and so i hope that he will begin to express his needs, in big and small ways, whenever he feels like it (within the confines of our circumstances of course). He will be freer to do so if i can provide more information to him, and by that, more opportunities as well.

The D/s is still not only there, but strong and healthy. Please don't misunderstand that. He is happy owning me, i *know* that. And i am happy being his slave as well! But i know the potential dangers of ... well, neglecting that side of ourselves. It's not there yet. It's not even on the horizon. But the *potential* is there, and i am ready to...well, to be more...i hate to use "available" but i guess that's exactly what i am trying to say. More available for his use, if he wishes to use me.

It's time to focus on the D/s for a while now, maybe, and that, for me, means focusing on Padrone and meeting his needs. And maybe what i am ready for is simply being used as he wishes in order to do just that. It isn't about me, about my own needs, or even about what i want or love or hate. It isn't a *need* i have to please him. It's just...right for me to express what i am, who i am, more than i have been doing through simple obedience within the framework of standing rules.

i can show my devotion through emotional means, and through positive things, but when it comes to showing it through not necessarily positive things, it's not so easy to offer, unless i *want* or *need* it myself. And Padrone understands that, he has told me that he wants me to express my needs, but not to pretend to need something i don't. For example, he would love for me to act more sexual, but it is difficult for me to do for some reason, sometimes even when i am feeling horny. He doesn't expect me to act as if i feel sexual when i'm not. i don't express a need for sex if i don't feel that need. That's the idea here...but there is a time when offering availability to show more submission in general is appropriate, and now is that time, or so i believe.

So what i guess i offer now is...more availability through giving more detailed information about my days, and more readiness to obey whenever and whatever he wishes. i am NOT expressing this well at all, because frankly, it is almost impossible to express the shift inside of me, the peace of surrender, without making it seem as if i was holding something back before, and that simply wasn't the case.

i honestly think that maybe i...trust that Padrone is also ready to take what he wants more, rather than taking what is offered and only occasionally taking more. We are happy as we are, but maybe i am ready to trust that we can be even happier.

Padrone, i know i kind of restated what all we talked about this morning, but it helped me to clarify some things. i am so happy to be your slave and your woman, Padrone. i hope to be able to give back to you in ways, and depths, that will please you and meet your needs to the fullest extent possible within the confines of our relationship. i love your care of me, and i hope to show my care for you through ever-deepening and ever-more-present submission. i love you.

drum roll please

2010-04-06T12:22:00.000-05:00

Yes, i had a nice Easter, thank you for asking! So did Padrone, visiting with his family is always nice. He ate too much, but what's good italian food for???

And my son was home for the long weekend from school, and apparently is coming back this weekend as well. i think the world will stop turning if he comes home two weekends in a row!

Daughter is working hard, with a job, her school, and babysitting now and then. She's a pretty responsible teenager, and i'm a lucky mom to have such a good relationship with her.

And that's about all, pretty boring life around here.

Oh wait. There *was* one more thing...

i PASSED my test!!!!

And haven't stopped smiling since i found out this morning. i'm half afraid my face may freeze this way, which would make sleeping, eating, and other...intersting things ... a bit difficult.

Padrone, i can never thank You enough for the guidance, the support, the encouragement, the accountability, and most of all the belief in me that You gave so freely...and continue to give and give and give. i am a very, incredibly, wonderfully lucky slave to belong to the wonderful man that You are. Thank you, Padrone. i am Yours.

Buona Pasqua - Happy Easter!

2010-04-03T19:37:00.000-05:00

Well, it is Easter in italy already, and so i wish my Master a wonderful day of food and fun and family! Miss You already, Padrone.

And, i wanted to thank libby for the sweet award she gave my blog - the Beautiful Blogger Award! Here is what she said about my blog:

"schiava (or 'titty' as i know her) - for having such a beautiful example of a long-distance M/s relationship and blogging so openly about the ups and downs of living within such a dynamic"

Thank you libby! Those kinds of thoughts are so encouraging, especially when i lose focus on what my blog is all about, and what it isn't as well.

Now i have to name 3 others, and narrowing the list is not easy. i follow several (which i haven't taken the time yet to add to a blogroll, but i hope to do that tomorrow), and they are all interesting in varied ways and for different reasons.

But the three i would like to single out as being beautiful bloggers....which i chose for the way their words impact *me*, not for any other reason, are:

mouse - while i don't always understand or agree, she has a way of making me think..and rethink what i believe...in such a gentle, non-judgemental way. She simply states her thoughts, her beliefs, and discusses things regarding her relationship and her personal growth...in ways that make me feel as if she is talking directly to me. Thank you, mouse, for opening my eyes to the realities of living with a Master, something i have never yet done.

greengirl - her blog always makes me think. She and her husband are learning and growing and her "wonderings" always make me think. This blog is extremely intellectual at times, and at times over my head (i can be a bit slow now and then, as y'all know well), but i love the challenge of her wonderings and her realizations and hearing about how they are learning together how to do what she calls TTWD.

And the third was a very, very difficult decision for me to make. i have several that i like to read, some seem a bit more...judgemental...than others, and so i won't include them. Libby already has hers, as does morningstar. And so i will name my third beautiful blogger to be...

spirited one - she is as open as possible about her life, and i admire that tremendously. She tries hard to balance wife, mother, submissive, author, and emotional healing, and those things are not easy to do...and even more difficult to blog openly about. She is another that i would love to pick up the headphones on skype and simply call to chat, feeling (as i do with mouse and greengirl) almost as if i know her already through her words on her blog. That, to me, is an amazing thing, and one that i deeply appreciate about her and her blog!

And beyond those things, please everyone, have a wonderful Easter! i will blog again soon.

Padrone, Buona Pasqua e Pasquetta!

More of Padrone's music

2010-03-29T09:38:00.000-05:00

This is a very beautiful song, and one of my favorites on his youtube channel:

And one special to Padrone, which he subtitled in memory of his dad:

Am I crazy or just confused?

2010-03-27T12:26:00.000-05:00

So i took that test i have been talking about forever, and won't know the results until after Easter. That's cool - i'm a little bit impatient, but since i have no clue how i did on it, i have no expectations, merely hopes.

i'm continuing to work at the dead-end job i have been working for a while now, and it pays the bills (doesn't fix the car though), and planning on a vastly different future as soon as possible.

The problem has become a plethora of opportunities, which i have always despised because i'm very, very wishy-washy. (Indecisive, easily swayed by current thoughts) And so what has happened is that my future doesn't look quite the same as it did a few weeks ago.

I have been allowed to add a part time job to what i already do, one which is with an entirely different population i was targeting before now, and i'm unsure of my desire to work with this population. This job is planned to lead into a more professional one, which is what my goal is. Since i have homeschooled for 16+ years, it's been quite difficult in my rural community to find a professional part time job that wasn't too demanding with my kids needs. Now, my youngest is one year away from graduating, and wants me to "go for it" - quite encouraging, and very responsible and willing to handle her last year of schooling (frankly, all we do then is college prep stuff, writing papers and reviewing concepts more than actual teaching) as long as i am there to help with college applications and visits and things like that. So, that's why this year is my year to start a new career.

I've always thought i'd be teaching though. So i have pursued that, and i do understand that it may take more than i have been told (even the certification department in our state dept of education has given me different stories about what i would be required to do), and that lack of knowledge is making me crazy - lol.

i told the new employer that i have been pursuing teaching and she is QUITE encouraging about it, and frankly, it may work out anyway. She's very flexible, and i could work on my certification (if i have to do more than i think, although i honestly believe i could get a job teaching SPED if i simply pass the Praxis, and work on other things while working, if necessary - school districts are desperate for SPED teachers, even if they are laying off other types of teachers, because of No Child Left Behind and the stringent mandates for teachers who teach a subject actually being *certified* in that subject) while i work for her as well.

And i also have applied for a couple of other professional jobs as well, things that don't pay as well as they should, but better than i make now, and the hours would be far better as well. Working conditions too, for the most part, but any time one gets into any kind of behavior management situations, one ends up dealing with folks with behavior problems and that can be messy at times.

So. i guess i wonder if i am crazy for looking outside what i have always considered my "dream job" in any way, or if i should remain single-minded towards the one goal i have always had. i'm thinking of this as the opportunity to explore new ideas and possibilities, and this particular job has some wonderful aspects to it. As i said, the boss is very flexible and understanding and willing to work around needs and plans. It's locally owned, and while it is a corporation, the board members are all local as well. The clientele are local too. So there wouldn't be the hassle involved with larger corporations such as Wal Mart or where i work now. Far more relaxed in a lot of ways, which is a very good thing, although of course the clients come first and the work is done before "play". It's the atmosphere that is appealing at the moment, i have to say.

And, quite frankly, i have thought about a different option even within the realm of being educator, one that pays more than working in a school system....enough more to offset the 12 months as opposed to 10 months in a school system (if money is my object, which of course i am not totally sure of yet, since i've never had any and i dunno just how much is "enough" for me).

So i am either crazy, or totally confused, or maybe being wise. Exploring options is good, right? This is EXACTLY why i had such a hard time declaring a major in college - i didn't know what i wanted to do THEN, and i STILL don't, obviously.

i guess, for me, it isn't as much about what i will be doing, as being respected for who i am, what i know, what i do, and not looked over as the invisible woman who (insert my job title here). i want to enjoy my job, my coworkers, my working environment, and those i am responsible for caring for, teaching, etc. i want a positive atmosphere, not a repressive one. i want to work in an environment of acceptance and encouragement, rather than constant stress and struggle. i know stress is part of life, and indeed of any job we have, but there are some jobs where the stress levels are far lower than others, as i'm sure we all know as well.

So now You know one reason i am so deeply grateful for Padrone and his guidance. He *is* objective in this because he sees from the outside looking in. He can look at all the possibilities that i tell him about, and see flaws or potential for negative things far easier than i can. i tend to look at the rosy side of things, and of course, the grass is always greener and all that. If i'm in a negative situation and i see one that even "seems" more positive, i am ready to jump in with both feet - lol!

And so now to the part you've all been waiting for - how all that craziness relates to our relationship!

That's far more difficult to explain, actually. It makes me depend on Padrone and his insights more than usual, that's for sure. It's hard to accept if he sees things differently than i do, but i never doubt his perspective. i usually end up thinking about what he said in terms of what i know (since he only knows what i tell him, he may not always have as full a picture as i do, even thought i always try hard to give him all the information i have regarding anything needing a decision), and either realizing that i had forgotten to tell him something, or that he does have the right perspective and that it is simply emotions that make it hard to accept. It does involve a great deal of submission, in a lot of ways, because it simply is hard to give that kind of control to someone else. If he told me not to take a job, i wouldn't. i actually did call to turn down the part time job i am now taking (it was initially offered as full time and immediate, and i couldn't do that in such a new field for me, and also not without giving notice - AND the progression into professional wasn't clearly laid out either, so i wasn't allowed to leave one dead-end job for another). When i called to turn it down, i was given this new information, talked with Padrone again, and he is allowing me to try it part time. So he is also quite flexible if new information comes up as well.

i know, i'm skirting the hard stuff.

All this mentally takes me away from my focus in some ways, even though it enhances and sharpens it in many others. i find myself distracted at times, like this morning when it took all my submission to focus on him even the small amout he required. i guess that was because it was a constant...awareness, more than action. It was just that i hoped to talk about ... all this i guess, the doubts, the wonderings...and he didn't allow that opportunity. Part of it is the time constraints presently on us. Maybe i'm simply struggling against them for now, i don't know. Tonight his time changes and we're back to 7 hours difference, which means another schedule adjustment after two weeks of a temporary routine.

And now i sound as if i am complaining. i don't mean to at all, i guess i'm just trying to give an accurate reflection of some of the difficulties of living so far apart and having a "real" D/s relationship. There are times it is so hard to submit, and sometimes the act of submitting leads to feelings of submission, and other times it doesn't. It just is what it is. Sometimes it is hard to feel as if i am taken seriously when i have a fake cock in my ass while we're talking. Sometimes being interrupted to be reminded of an instruction is frustrating. Sometimes it's simply hard. Period.

But i couldn't live any other way. i will always be submissive, i always have been and couldn't change now even if i wanted to. It's not always easy. Sometimes it's a lot harder than at other times. And i know that i am not the easiest person to get along with, much less to own. i can be rebellious at times, even if i don't express it overtly.

i guess i said that to say that, even in times when my life is nowhere near on any certain path other than as Padrone's slave, i will forever be that. Padrone, i have never felt so sure of anything as i am of that one fact. So even when it's hard, even when i don't get just what i want, or give just what i want to give, or say or do or express just what i want...i am Yours. We are so alike in our thoughts so much of the time, the way we look at things (i've learned a lot from You, Padrone) is so similar, that it is sometimes hard to take when You view things differently. Especially when You're right.

And i am such a wimp when it comes to saying "no", and i am so grateful for Your stance on that as well, Padrone.

i wish i had a clear path to the future. i wish i knew which way to go, where i would be a year from now, even 6 months from now. That uncertainty is really wearing on me, i guess, Padrone, and i am really, really sorry that it affects You through my service. i will try hard to minimize the effects while we are together, even if it all jumbles up again the moment we leave!

Thank You for Your focus and guidance and wisdom and thoughtful perspective on everything to do with my life, Padrone. i have needed You so much that i feel sometimes as if i am the one using You! *teasing* You are so wonderful to me, and for me, and i can never tell You just how happy, how simply content, i am as Yours. i love You, my Padrone, now and forever.

Padrone's New Blog

2010-03-17T09:15:00.002-05:00

Maybe not what you'd expect, but nice anyway.

Padrone's blog

Definitely not what i was hoping for when he told me he'd started a blog!

Enjoy!

So i took it yesterday....

2010-03-14T15:31:00.003-05:00

And i honestly have no idea how i did on the test. i felt quite good when i left the room, but the questions were so subjective, that i began second guessing myself almost immediately. But i did my best, and that is all i can do. If i failed it, i will take it again, and study more and differently and with a bit of experience under my belt. That may help, who knows?

Anyway, at this stage there is nothing to do but wait and see. i did my best, and that is all i can control. Believe it or not, i'm not even anxious about it, although i know it will be in the back of my mind until i hear the results. It will probably pop up in most conversations - lol.

Friday morning i expressed, rather blatantly, a need to be humiliated. That still sounds strange when i say that about myself, but frankly i believe i needed to be put "in my place" - humiliation allows me to express the doubts, the insecurities, the self-loathing i experience as a result of my past, but in a safe way. It's kind of strange, and it took us a long time, maybe too long, to get there, but it most definitely helps to purge the most negative of negative emotions. It took a long time for me to really understand my need for humiliation, but now i think i do. That understanding has freed me to express that need a bit more often and without the burning shame i used to feel when i would in essence, ask to be treated like shit.

But the point is that i feel that i deserve it sometimes, simply because old thoughts and emotions aren't going to go away. When i feel that i deserve to be treated badly, i ask (in my own way) for Padrone to humiliate me, so that i can safely feel the emotions i have no choice but to feel, and they can be defused and their effects controlled rather than controlling me. i'm not sure if that makes sense or not, and it isn't the only reason i need humiliation, by any means. But it is a powerful one, and a much-needed one, but sometimes i just need it for no obvious reason. It's kind of like talking dirty during sex. It enhances emotions that aren't definable, and makes the sex even more intense. Or it does for me at least, and that's the other dynamic of humiliation. It simply makes the M/s dynamic more intense, as well as meeting a very personal, strong, need as well.

But that's also how i came to crave pain and suffering. It began as a way of purging my heart and mind of negative emotions, and the gratitude i felt for the erasing of the thoughts, at least temporarily, was overwhelming.

Now, pain and suffering is a way to show so much more than that. Of course, there is the "i will prove what i will do for You" aspect, and the "do more so i can show You more how much i am Yours" aspect. But recently it has come to mind that it is more an expression of powerlessness, of release of all power and authority, allowing me to become totally mindless, will-less, and to float on and in HIS will and desires for as long as he needs, wants, or even wishes to hold me there. Even now, thinking about it, the need to pour all the stress, the unwanted worry and emotions, out...only to be filled with the physical expression of all of those things...pain, suffering, agony....but physical rather than emotional....and if there is sexual release by either or both of us...the overwhelming relief, release, gratitude (not strictly the right word but so hard to define) for the opportunity to let life go for a while, even when i don't need it or even want it...all i can say is i am so grateful that Padrone, who didn't consider himself much of a sadist when we met, has learned to love my pain and suffering for his own reasons!

i do realize that what i experience is different in so many ways than what others experience, if only because of the distance involved here. That doesn't make the pain any less real (maybe less intense, since i'm not self-destructive, and can't make the cane land but *so* hard, no matter how i try), nor does it make it any less effective. Let's face it, tiger balm coated toy in my ass is going to hurt, badly, and for a long time...and that pain can, and is, manipulated for his pleasure, every time he wants it. That's what it is all about, or for us at least.

But the humiliation i went through on Friday morning was so needed. i am quivering inside even now, thinking of it and how much pressure it eased from my mind, just before the test. *i* see NOW that the test was probably the reason i needed it so badly, because of all the doubts and fears and old demons rearing their ugly heads, along with new thoughts that i simply am ignoring in hopes that they'll go away. Well, i don't really believe they will, i just don't want to deal with them right now, so i'm not. i do know that's emotionally dangerous, but when i feel able to work through them, i will, unless it's forced on me in the meantime.

Padrone, i am so looking forward to suffering for You. my body is tingling with the need for pain, for fire, for lashes, for bruises. And i bought fresh ginger at the grocery store, just so You know!

Padrone, i sincerely hope that circumstances free time for us to spend focused solely on our M/s dynamic, very, very soon. i am so Yours, and i feel that i haven't shown You how deeply surrendered i am to You very well lately. i know You know it, and that it hasn't affected our relationship, but it feels so good to reiterate it, reinforcing our dynamic, and our love as well. i am so Yours, my wonderful and patient and wise Padrone. Grazie.

Tired and Tired of waiting

2010-03-10T20:49:00.000-06:00

i am just about as ready for this test as i will ever be, and i am tired of waiting for the day to arrive.

i spent an unexpected day off today driving 1.5 hours to take son to the doctor, then waiting at Wal Mart for prescriptions, taking him to his girlfriend's place, then 1.5 hours home. i'm tired. i'm sleepy. All i want to do is take a long hot bath and soak for an hour with a book, then crawl in bed and sleep for a long, long time.

What i have been doing, and what i will do for a while longer tonight, is study study study.

This one is short, i just didn't want to get behind on my posting again, and i also needed a break and this was a good one.

i will type more when i can breathe again.

Padrone, thank You for the patience, for the opportunity to serve and please You, and for understanding that this will be all over except the waiting for scores, in just a few short days. Saturday afternoon i will be one exhausted, relieved slave. i know You will be glad of that!

Can i call time out for a while?

2010-03-05T09:49:00.000-06:00

Time OUT!

So much going on internally, at the worst possible moment in my life.

What else could i expect?

Some things i won't talk about, but i'm so stressed with life in general right now - so much going on, especially things i thought would and should be fixed by now (like my car...i need an entire engine for it, *if* i can find one i can actually afford, which is a big *if* indeed). This test is one i am feeling less and less prepared for, the more i study for it, and that is upsetting to me as well. The problem with that is that there are so few study guides out there, so little practical and applicable information for the particular test i am taking. And so i feel as if i am flying blind here, and it has been 20+ years since i graduated college. The terminology is really pissing me off because even if i know what to do or how to handle things, i don't know what the educational system now calls what i would do. So anyway, add to that the fact that i am about to go off the deep end emotionally - some kind of crisis brewing that i am trying desperately to hold at bay until after my test (i take it a week from tomorrow, so please, please let me hang in there until then) - and so i'm a mess all the way around.

i need a vacation from myself.

i hope the more spring like weather we're having lately will help. The daffodils actually peeked yesterday, which is about 4-5 weeks later than normal around here. But if the weather stays the way it is now for a bit, color will explode very, very soon, and i'll get out in my yard and plant a few things myself. i'll probably plant more tomatoes and pepper plants (deer food more than people food as they got to it before they even ripened last year!). And of course flowers. The bulbs will come back on their own, of course, but i'll plant periwinkles, dianthus, zinnias, and other hardy and not-too-demanding flowers. i'll also sprinkle wildflower seeds in another bed like i did last year, although it was my first year to do so and they didn't do well. Trust *me* to not be able to grow wildflowers even - lol.

And i am going to buy some new rose bushes. i am looking for one called sterling silver. It is a pale lavender colored rose, not that beautiful, but the aroma is heavenly...and i want it because it reminds me of my Granny. It was her favorite rose of all, maybe because it reminded her of me....not much to look at, rather unassuming in general, slow to draw out to growth, but quite pleasing if one can look beyond the outer enough to find some little thing that captures enough interest to get a little closer - the reward is greater than it would seem when looking at what is seen with the eyes.

Yep, i can turn most anything into something about ME. Maybe that's part of what is bothering me about myself right now. i use the word *i* so often it isn't even funny. We all do i know, but it seems as if my self-centeredness has gotten more pronounced lately. Maybe there is no choice, with all that has been going on here lately. i don't know.

Every now and then i reach the point of ... well, needing to recharge my batteries. It isn't as if i feel that i have given so much that i have nothing left to give, it is more that i am simply so stressed and stretched to my limit that i feel as if i am going to break, or break down (again) at any moment. i don't like being in this place, which compounds the problem, and i hate that i am not giving Padrone all HE needs, which compounds it exponentially.

i am literally simply trying to hang in until this test is over. i will probably have a major meltdown then, crying and feeling sorry for myself and hopefully letting tears wash all the crappy emotions away and strengthening the good stuff inside. Of course, by tomorrow i may be fine once again and all this would be pure bs - lol.

But i have to say that Padrone is simply wonderful, even though i know he gets tired of my unintentional drama, and wants to simply put his foot down now and then and say "enough. my turn". Yes, he has that right, and i have no doubts that he would do it if he thought i was capable of handling that right now. But i'm on such an emotional precipice at the moment that even *thinking* of something difficult or something that demands anything at all of me other than simple "hear and obey" is enough to make me panic and tears spring to my eyes.

But you know what? i am STILL a good slave, even if i can't handle much of what my slavery entails at this point. i still please and serve as best i can and obey as best i can right now, and that is all Padrone has ever asked of me as his slave. He expects me to take care of myself, emotionally as well as physically, as best i can. He knows that i give as much as i can, as often as i can, so when i tell him i can't give any more, he realizes that i am at a place of difficulties of some sort...mainly because i rarely admit to not being able to handle things, or say "i can't" to something he wants of me. When i reach that place, though, it doesn't mean i am a bad slave simply because i have to take a step back and regroup before giving anything more. It means that i'm taking care of myself, and any detriment to my slavery is temporary, as temporary as i can make it, frankly.

So right now, i'm at a fragile place emotionally. i am strong, stronger than i imagined. But even strong people have their breaking points. i'm just about there, but hanging on.

Padrone, i can't apologize enough for not giving what You need from me in the way You need it. i love You, and want Your pleasure more than anything in this world, and i know You understand that - maybe even better than i do. i am deeply grateful for Your care, Your patience, and Your support....saying the things You said last night, letting me know that i am not in this alone, it really isn't all for me, it IS for us...listening to my whining and complaining, and understanding that venting is accomplishing far more than simply bitching right now.... so much You do for me, so many ways You take care of me, ways that i never even dreamed until lately.

One day, i will be able to take care of You, to show You just how much You mean to me, Padrone. For now, my tears - of joy and gratitude and frustration that i can't give more - that happen to fall so frequently now, will have to suffice. And yes, they're falling even now.

A few random thoughts

2010-02-24T11:08:00.000-06:00

So i went another full week without blogging. i guess i am just too busy lately, and really have nothing to share believe it or not.

We have made a few adjustments to the details of our relationship, and i find that they ... well take some adjusting to! What i mean is that one rule in particular has been completely deleted, one which was causing me more stress than i even realized until my meltdown a few weeks ago. Padrone is really a wonderful Master, in more ways than just being a Master if that makes sense.

i guess i'm back to the theme of...our relationship is most definitely M/s, but we don't always express the M/s overtly. He is my Master, but he is so much beyond that as well. He takes care of me, which is part of what being a Master is all about but frankly by now it has moved beyond being the duty of his role as Master. Maybe that's the elusive "something" i have been trying to think of as a way to clarify in my own mind what about our relationship is "beyond" M/s. We do what we do because of who we are, and because of the great love we feel for each other, not simply because it is our duty to do so.

i'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but the difference is definitely felt. i love Padrone with all that i am, and trust him with no reservations, something i have never been able to say about anyone else in my life, ever. He is a good man in general, which i guess is vital to someone being a good Master. The person he is makes the Master he is....his role as Master doesn't define him. It's exactly opposite from the immpression i get from what others based strictly on reading blogs and conversations with them.

Maybe that's what the difference is. We express who we are, rather than try to fit into a role. At first we did have to kind of do what we thought was expected of us, as we got to know each other, but as time passed it was necessary to relax into simply being who we are, and trusting that what we have given in our role was a reflection of who we are.

Anyway, i didn't mean to get into all that. i really just wanted to say that my recent "breakthrough" regarding emotions and physical intimacy has been quite illuminating for me in a number of ways. Yes, the pure sex has been amazing now, and i do wonder if HE has felt a change himself. i haven't asked him yet, as we've spent time talking about other things. (or i forgot, when we weren't talking about other things). But for me, it's like floodgates have opened and all the emotions i never knew were being held back just....aren't anymore.

Even when the intimacy is humiliation or pain. (yes, i know, seems an impossibility, but it happens) Like today, pain. Intense pain that i haven't felt in a long time. And the struggle was greater than it has been in a long time to accept it, to surrender to it. But when it happened....it was breathtaking in its intensity. Same with humiliation recently - everything i feel has seemed magnified, has grown and deepened and become new. It's been difficult to handle in the short term, at times. i have needed a lot of tenderness and after care, more than usual, because of the depths that i get lost in more than i used to.

i have always "floated", even with online interaction. i have always been able to reach that place of losing myself in his control, and simply floating mindlessly afterwards. i don't have the luxury of doing it fully because i still have to care for my own needs afterwards but when i have privacy and time .... it is amazing. Lately, however, including this morning's use...it has been something i haven't been able to reign in. i'm not complaining in the least, believe me! But Padrone did mention once that he wondered what would happen with humiliation and pain, and while it hasn't happened often since my "awakening", i think it will be a positive thing rather than a negative one.

i have already gone through all the rationalization and emotional gymnastics necessary for me to be perfectly comfortable needing pain and somewhat comfortable with my need to be humiliated, so i think it's more a matter of me dealing with the openness and depths of the emotions....the surrender that i feel so strongly, especially when i have to struggle to do so. It's one of those things that i can't explain, but which i am deeply grateful for as long as it doesn't totally overwhelm me into emotional immobility.

So what a jumbled mix of thoughts here, none of which probably make much sense. But that's alright, my job isn't to always make sense, for which i am eternally grateful!

Padrone, i love You, and i am so proud to be Yours, and incredibly happy. Just simply happy. Thank You, for taking care of me because You care for me so deeply, and show it so well. i love how we are always learning and growing, and the safety of our relationship that allows us to do so.

Peeking beyond another wall

2010-02-13T09:20:00.000-06:00

i can be so slow sometimes. i don't get things that most other folks seem to understand easily. It's a bit frustrating at times, especially when i *think* i understand, only to find out just how wrong i have been.

So last night i had one of those "AH HA" moments that quickly turned into a "DUH" moment.

Yesterday, while it was snowing, Padrone called and we talked and shared a very deeply intimate time together, quite romantic and sexual. It floored me, for some reason, stayed in my thoughts - those two words linked together i mean. For me, sex has always been physical, and romance has always been emotional. i know it stems from the crossed wires in my emotional life because of my history of being sexually abused. But that didn't help when i realized just how much i *didn't* understand about emotional intimacy and bonding that can and does happen during sex for two who love each other deeply.

Lately i've been worried about my lack of sexual interest. i figured it was my age and hormones and i really worried about it because it is a major part of a healthy relationship. i most definitely don't want to lose it! i tried to find other ways to compensate, to connect emotionally, but i have been feeling a bit "off" lately. Yes, there were other contributing factors, i understand that, but the fact that i couldn't open myself and offer one thing i know Padrone would absolutely love to have from me has weighed on my mind for months now.

He really would love for me to be more free sexually, without him having to create the interest in me all the time. i *do* feel horny at times, but not often i admit. For me, sex has always been purely physical, and while i have often felt the need for emotional things, and expressed them, i never realized that sex could be a way to meet them as well.

Ugh, i'm not explaining this very well, i know.

Bottom line is that i've got some exploring to do in the area of emotions during sex. i know it is something that so many others seem to understand naturally, and i feel quite slow in not realizing it until i'm 45 years old, but there it is. Padrone understands it, that's for sure, based on the way things were yesterday. i really had a hard time with some of it, and i never understood why until this hit me last night. And see....when he would compare my body opening to him with my heart opening to him, i just...didn't get it. It's like my mind closed off that connection, and i focused on the emotional part and let my body do what it does when stimulated sexually. There was this huge disconnect, that i never realized was there until yesterday.

Yesterday, i finally had a glimpse beyond that wall that separated the two in my mind. Yesterday, i finally saw what others talked about, and which i only thought i understood. Yesterday, i saw just how far i have to go, but i also had a peek at just how much more there is for us.

i am really stunned, once again, by the patience Padrone has for me, even though He didn't understand what he was being patient about. i couldn't show my sexuality more obviously for him, even though i knew he would like to see it. i couldn't explain why not, because i just didn't understand it myself. i still don't know what the key that will unlock that door is, but i *do* now know that it can be unlocked eventually. i already do understand that what he is looking for isn't for me to just be a slut (which is really what i thought he wanted, just express myself physically and keep the emotions checked at the door)...but i can't quite grasp just what it is that he does want. i know it's there, i know there's more now. That's the first step, i think.

The thing is, i have unconsciously let my doubts about pleasing him by acting more sexual in general, affect every aspect of the way i express my submission to him. It's like i had the thoughts of "i can't please him in this, and it's sexual in nature, so i can't please him sexually at all", and that created the need to express my submission in other ways, and that created a huge amount of stress on me overall. Hence my meltdown of a couple of weeks ago. (i know it's not that simple, but i knew there had to be more than just burnout, since i wasn't doing any more than i had been for years....the easing of the pain and discomfort of one of my rules helped me think about other things, i guess)

So, while nobody else may understand this post, it is my sincere desire that Padrone does. The bottom line is that i feel more relaxed, today and for today, about my sexuality than i ever have in my entire life. It may last only a moment, and even if i ever *do* fully accept the emotional side of sexuality and sex and physical intimacy, then i am positive i will have flashes of doubts and insecurities that will inhibit me and interfere again. We all do, i guess, in some areas of our lives.

Padrone, i hope this makes sense to You, but i have a feeling we'll need to talk it out. Let's just say that i can trace many of my problems back to my struggle last year, to try to express my sexuality more - the struggle i am positive You remember clearly! For now, it feels like a moment of realization, which, if i can just hold onto these concepts for longer than a fleeting moment, has the potential to be a true epiphany.

Please, be patient with Your slow-to-understand slave for a little while longer, Padrone. i truly think it will be well worth it in the end, for us. i love You.

What a day

2010-02-06T21:04:00.000-06:00

i know that girls can be cruel creatures. i do understand that. But when it is *my* daughter hurt by the sheer thoughtlessness of her "best friend", yet again, then the mamma bear in me rears her ugly head.

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. Tonight she cancelled the party she has worked literally hours planning and preparing for, because of things her friend had said and done. Now, my daughter doesn't often get upset or angry, but she did today. She rarely cries, and today tears. She was angry, hurt, and felt betrayed. She couldn't deal with being with her friends and hiding her emotions, not at her own party, so she cancelled it. i am hurting for her - it really kills me to see her hurt for nothing.(there's a lot more to the story of course, but this is the gist of my day)

So today we had a girl's day out. We shopped, we ate, we just had fun. It was her idea to spend today with me, and tomorrow we're planning a movie marathon, which should be fun...movies and a huge birthday cake - lol.

Anyway, if i can get my jaw to unclench, i'll be alright. Seeing others hurt her like this just makes me crazy. i let her deal with it though, all the while supporting and letting her know that if she would rather me step in and handle it, i would. Supporting, offering an escape, encouraging, letting her experience all the emotions in a safe environment...i wish i could have done more, but i am grateful for the wisdom to know how to handle this with her, and for her.

i was thinking a few minutes ago that this is exactly how Padrone deals with me when i am going through emotional turmoil. He gives me the freedom to feel what i have to and need to feel, yet He lets me know that He is there, supporting, encouraging, accepting, and protective. What a wonderful, beautiful, amazing thing.

Even now, i can imagine what He will say to all of this that i'm dealing with, with my daughter. i know that He will listen to me talk and talk and get all this out of my system, not judging me, just listening and letting me deal with these emotions in an environment of acceptance. He'll tell me i handled it right, and that He is proud of me. i can hear His voice saying those things, the same things i said to her earlier. i have tears in my eyes, thinking that i am so blessed, so absolutely blessed, to belong to someone who loves me the way He does - in the healthy and positive way that allows me to bloom and open to Him like the flower He calls me.

Padrone, i simply adore You with all i am. i am Yours, and humbled by Your love for Your slave. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone.