A surprising thing happened on the way to....punishment?

I know it has been a while since I have typed here, and that is mainly because I have discovered a few things about myself that have taken a little bit of time to process.

First, though, I am going to update on my "life". As I think I mentioned earlier, I did finally get a job teaching Special Ed in a small school district around 50 minutes' drive from here. I start next week with professional development days ("teacher days" we used to call them), and the students' first day of school is two weeks from yesterday. I'm excited, eager, and extremely nervous. I've never done this before, and since I don't yet know even what I will be teaching, it's kind of hard to prepare for it. I don't know what curriculum they use, what types of supplies or extras are provided, or anything. So I am going to the school today to take paperwork, and to check things out more as well.

My daughter is doing well, but is not well yet of course. Her back is hurting, but I don't know if it is the fractured vertebrae still giving her pain or if it is muscular. I wonder if there is still supposed to be spasms, 5 weeks post-accident. But I also understand that her lack of activity will contribute to pain when she does things. She goes back to the doctor on Thursday. So this week is filled with uncertainty, both good and bad.

And on the relationship front, something interesting happened this week, something that I never expected but which I feel very good about happening. And I think Padrone does too.

Regular readers of this blog will know that recently Padrone eliminated the punishment element of our relationship. It has been good in terms of my stress level, but something was missing. When my daughter's accident and injury was so new, everything was pretty much lifted - I was just expected (and it wasn't even a formal expectation but Padrone was worried and I knew he would like updates) to keep him posted as best I could. I missed texts of course, and emails while she was in the hospital. I honestly don't know how many other emails I missed, but I know that I missed a lot of texts. Frankly, I was too busy and exhausted and worried and focused on medication schedule and monitoring pain levels and how she moved and figuring out what food she could eat while flat on her back and....well, you get the idea. I hated it, I knew that all I needed to do was to let him know I needed him and he would be there for me, but I also knew that all I would do is cry and whine and complain if i did. I was totally overwhelmed, and it was (of course) a totally unexpected thing.

Thinking of texting every hour was simply impossible. As you might imagine, however, Padrone knew that even better than I did. So, even if punishment had still been a part of our dynamic, this is one example of when there would have been no punishment for my lack of obedience, because of the extreme nature of the circumstances.

But as with all things which we are unaccountable for, it was more difficult for me to get back into the routine once things began to settle down. Things were still kind of "topsy-turvy" when Padrone mentioned to me that I should resume my hourly texting, but I felt so bad for having unintentionally kept him more uninformed than he deserved, and for withdrawing into my world where I live, that it was something I was glad that he reined me in regarding. I would have done it even if I hadn't been glad, of course, but it was good, to me, that I did feel relief to be held accountable again. I needed, so much, that control that even the simple act of texting because he wants me to text gives me.

And so, that is where we stood when I missed an email. Since there is no punishment now, there was a void. I did  feel badly about it, as usual, but something surprising happened....

I offered to do the things that he had once set in place for punishment.

In all honesty, it surprised me as much as I think it did Padrone!

But it felt good. Not because I was punished, but because there were consequences for my inaction, and yet they were freely offered. I think Padrone truly enjoyed that, knowing that I understood my place as his slave was to meet his expectations, and accepting consequences for not doing so....but he also very much enjoys when acts of submission are offered. And it feels so good to offer, too, rather than having everything imposed. I am not one of those women who feel submissive only when forced to obey.

I love to submit. I love to obey. I love pleasing Padrone. And a big part of that is when I screw up, even in small ways, to offer consequences for screwing up. You know, as I told him, I can't promise to write 50 lines for every missed text, especially after I start working and there is not only an 8 hour day, but an hour's drive each way, to add to my day. But maybe I can think of something to offer him, that will be meaningful but not so time consuming. Missing a text is a small infraction, and the consequences should not eat 40 minutes of my day, or I don't think so anyway. And unless Padrone insists on that particular consequence be what I offer, which somehow I don't think he will, then I will try to think of something that will be effective, will show Padrone my remorse, will be unpleasant enough to be corrective in nature, and won't take a huge chunk out of my time.

I was really, really surprised at the feelings of relief and submission I felt from offering consequences freely as I did the other day. I think, and I hope deeply, that Padrone was pleased about the offering. I think he appreciates the fact that I want to show my remorse for screwing up. And you know, I think that was part of the problem for me when punishment was automatically imposed for screwups like missing an email. Yes, it may have been what Padrone considered simple consequences rather than true punishment, but the very fact that it was imposed upon me meant that I had no way to express the remorse I felt for screwing up. Yes, a small infraction, and no, I don't suffer from the major perfectionist tendencies I used to (I am accepting the human-ness of my slavery much better now). But even though I understand that I won't always do what I'm supposed to do, because I am human and will screw up, I do feel sorry when I do. And now, even though I am doing the same things as consequences for the same infraction, the emotions involved are totally different....it is now an expression of apology, remorse, and submission rather than a rote fulfilling of duty.

That is one reason it seemed as if I was taking everything far more seriously than I should - I would still apologize, often many times, for missing an email. Padrone didn't understand it, and I didn't either frankly, but now I see that a lot of the reason was because saying I am sorry was that expression of remorse that *I* as a slave need when I mess up. So I was doing that *and* punishment, and even though I couldn't express these thoughts, it often felt like overkill.

But now....

Now I can offer. Now it is a freely offered expression of remorse, rather than an unemotional, required, reaction to my screwups. Now it is a result of my heart opening and searching for a way to express itself. Now, it is a way for me to show my submission in the way that Padrone loves - offered freely, just as the "good" things are. And it was so fulfilling, so freeing, and very, very surprising to me that it was those things.

Padrone, I hope you were as pleased as I thought you were about my offering. I hope my words here made sense to you, and I hope you understand a bit more about what I am just now learning about myself as well. I love you, Padrone, and I am a very, wonderfully, blessed woman to be the one you love. Thank you for being who you are, my Love. Thank you for all you do to show your love and happiness in our relationship. Just thank you, Padrone. I am yours.

Something new and different, yet the same old thing

Well, i have been trying to give Padrone "boring" for a couple of weeks, i promise! Life has been so stressful for the past few weeks here that it's something i am trying to do - for Him, but for me as well actually. i worry too much even when things "aren't" so stressful, but i can be a real basket case when they are!

And so i have tried to spend more time perusing blogs of folks who have a sense of what D/s is all about, rather than those who make a choice to try to shove a square peg into a round hole, and call the mess that happens D/s - etc. A harsh assessment, maybe, but for those of us with real experience....a realistic assessment.

And so i have found a few blogs of those who seem to understand a few basic things about D/s that i believe can only be learned through experience, or through actually *listening* to those who have experience.

i'm going to try to explain some things i have learned along the way, and try to do so in a clear fashion. It will probably take multiple posts, which won't be a problem for me as much as i love to type!

Padrone and i were talking recently about what i should type here, and kind of what has made our relationship so strong. There were a lot of thoughts expressed, some that it seemed were kind of new...maybe...lol. i'll discuss some of those thoughts eventually

But right now i think i am going to go directely to what so many consider the "heart" of D/s - the so called "gift of submission".

There are many people who honestly believe that when a submissive woman submits to a Master, then she is giving such a gift - that submission is given. But frankly, "submit" or "to submit" describe actions, therefore are verbs, and submission is the act itself, or a state of being submitted.

Frankly, if all i give my Master is an act, or a state of mind, then i haven't given him much.

The problem with this whole "gift of submission" ideology is that the gift that is valued *is* the submission - that act of submitting, or the state of being submitted. It's more prevalent and more insidious than most imagine, frankly, especially with those among us with little or no real life experience.

It can be so easy to buy into the philosophies preached on websites, picking and choosing what we want to believe is real and true, and defying anyone who dares to disagree with us. But when one *lives* what one believes, especially something like D/s, then one's philosophies usually change unless a person is simply too arrogant to accept when one is wrong.

It is this way with the entire "gift of submission" idea. When a Dominant places more value on the act of submitting to him, than he does on what is actually submitted, then there's a huge problem. Folks, just as one doesn't say about a Dominant that he gives the "gift of Dominance" to a submissive, one also should not misidentify the gift given by the submissive woman.

The gift given by her, the one that should be more highly valued than any other gift she could ever give, is herself. The gift, if one chooses to call it a gift, is the control, the authority, and the trust that is inherent when one says "Master, i am Yours".

The act of submission merely conveys the gift to the Dominant. The real gift, the one that should be valued more highly than angels, is the woman herself.

Now, i ask you....is she, who would give such a gift, a worthless human being until a Dominant "gives her a value"? No. Any woman who could, and would choose to give herself in such a way is one who is inherently valuable - whether or not a Dominant EVER says she is.

Padrone, i am grateful that You took this whore with a low self-image, and showed her and taught her that the real way to affirm my worth is through believing in myself, in seeing the good things in me, and in understanding that i am a strong woman, a good woman, and a worthwhile woman with lots of accomplishments and even more potential.

Thank You, my Owner, for teaching me how to feel good about myself because of who i am....who i have given to You....and not because of Your opinion of me. Thank You for basing Your opinion not on my behaviors, but rather on my attitude. Thank You for punishing me when necessary, but for teaching me the difference between punishment and consequences, and also that even when i am punished, i am a valued and treasured woman.

Padrone, but most of all, thank You for showing me that i am not valuable because i am Your slave....but rather that Your slave is more valuable because of who i am. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone. Grazie.