A Few D/s Thoughts

I've got a couple of thoughts running through my brain that are actually about D/s for once!

First, I was thinking of how proud Padrone is of me in almost every area of his life. I thought of how he is in the background often, not in my heart and mind but ... it's a bit hard to explain to those on the outside who think of us as having an LDR only. But I feel as if I am the one to shine, and he is the one who has the joy of owning the jewel that shines so brightly. But it feels a bit awkward to me at times, because *I* would much prefer that *HE* is the one to shine.

But he is so content to watch me grow and mature and become the best I can be. He is so happy when I do some small things like take care of myself. He loves to hear that I am walking or going shopping or getting my hair done. He says that I will be getting used to things I have never had before - a decent car, a good job, even good shoes. Yes, that is almost verbatim something that he said to me not too awfully long ago, and it really impacted me strongly. I realized that I have compromised on everything, my entire life, to such an extent that I almost always talk myself out of doing things for myself. I go WAY too long between haircuts, have never had my hair professionally colored and only had my nails done professionally once in my life. My shoes are functional but not what one might consider nice. And my car is a decent car, but....it's 12 years old. The muffler fell down and started dragging yesterday, so that's another repair. It's so many little things, and while I don't have a car payment, it sometimes seems as if I spend more in repairs than a payment would be (although it's not true of course).

But the point is that Padrone does want me to shine. He wants me to become used to nicer things. He wants me to have nice clothes, shoes, car. He wants me to look good and to feel good about myself. I am so blessed to have such a man to love me, to guide me, to teach me. And what amazes me, moves me to tears even this moment, is that he is absolutely content to be in the background while I learn to shine, to soar like an eagle while he keeps his feet firmly on the ground holding the tether that keeps me from soaring too far.

He is my hero. I have said it before, and I will say it again I am sure, but there is no disputing that fact. This man who accepts me totally, just as I am, but also sees so much potential in me....how can I ever express the emotions that overwhelm me? He is the one who should shine. He is the one who should have the spotlight, with me simply serving and encouraging him. He is the one who should be soaring, with me following along.

I am so blessed to have this man in my life.

And last night proved again just why that is so. Last night he talked about using me, and lately he has been talking about it more than usual. So I commented about that, simply because it has been a long time and...well I was resisting for some reason. I was surprised since it *has* been so long, and I usually don't feel that way actually. But I was mentally thinking "whatever" when Padrone said something to the effect that being used is good for me. So we talked about it and Padrone realized that I was just out of the habit of being used, and he took responsibility for it totally upon himself. Well, I can't use myself for sure but the reality is that I too should have taken responsibility for asking for it, making sure his needs are being met since that *is* my responsibility!

But I've been thinking about it. I wonder if my age, or my medicine, or lack of time has been diminishing my need for use. But I need *him* more than ever. I absolutely adore this man, but such a major part of our relationship is not expressed without the use. We can express our D/s in other ways, but honestly the intimacy that we both crave from each other is expressed most strongly through use, physical and emotional use that causes suffering and expresses the dynamic at its very core. There is nothing then, nothing except control and submission. There is only power, pulsing, throbbing, flowing almost as a living entity that strips us both bare of all except our most base needs - to control and to be controlled.

That is why we do what we do. It is who we are. It is what we need. And yes, it is good for me to be used. However, I still resist now. I think my hormones, my medicine, and my cold all contribute to it. I would prefer not to go to work sore. Right now I can think of negatives, rather than the intimacy that calls to me with its Siren's song. So yes, I know it is good for me. It keeps the resistance, the negativity, at bay.

Padrone, the best I can do today is to say that I am willing to be used. I am not eager for it, and I am disappointed in myself for that fact. I will probably be laughing at myself after the first use, but I guess it is human nature to resist what is no longer a habit. I'm laughing right now, through my tears, as I compare being used with walking. Well, I am overcoming my resistance to walking by just doing it, as I have typed here before. So maybe I am asking for help in overcoming resistance to being used, Padrone. Of course you would "help" even if I didn't ask for it, by using your slave as you wish. Thank you, for being the thoughtful, loving Padrone you are. Thank you for doing what is best for me, for you, and for us. I am more than blessed to belong to you, my Padrone. Thank you.

The ultimate responsibility

So, yes, a Master assumes a deep level of responsibility for his slave when he collars her, i guess that's kind of a safe, and universal, assumption to make in regards to the kinds of relationships we embark upon.

But we give it to them, as we give control and authority to them. It's not a sudden, dramatic gesture "i'm the Master, i'm totally responsible for everything that happens to you from this moment on, because i control every move you make, and don't you forget it!!" Well, for some it may be that way, but for those of us who take this seriously and understand that we need a relationship of control and submission in order to be truly happy, then it doesn't work that way.

And while i understand that dynamic as best i can, what has really made me thoughtful over the past few days is the knowledge that we, as slaves, have as much of a responsibility towards our Master as they do towards us. It is merely expressed in a different way, and is far more difficult to see and understand. It's a very subtle dynamic when it works, and incredibly damaging to a relationship when it doesn't. What do i mean?

Well, i mean that we are as responsible for making our Masters happy as they are for keeping us safe and protected.

Think about this. When we, especially women (and especially american women) talk about being in love......or tell a man "i love you"...what we typically mean is "i have finally found someone who makes me amazingly happy and i just KNOW he's gonna make me happy forEVER! Oh man, look what i found! Yes, he is mine and i'm never letting him go!!!!

Oh yeah. i know. Ick.

Anyway, we just seem to forget what we're supposed to do when a man, especially a Master, gives us a piece of himself. What are we supposed to do with it? A lot of times we overlook it, and focus on obedience, on serving, on pleasing, on communication, on all the things that we know he wants from us. We don't want to be responsible for him, that's why we give responsibility for *ourselves* away *to* him! So often we see *that* as our ultimate responsibility to our Master - obedience and thoughtfulness and consideration and making him happy. Yes, we do those things as a way to express our personalities, our love, our joy, our gratitude, our appreciation for what we have, for who we have, for how happy he makes us.

But the reality is that, especially as time passes, our Masters are as vulnerable to "matters of the heart" as we are. Crazy isn't it?

Padrone opens himself up to me. He not only shows me parts of his personality that others don't see....shows me parts of himself nobody else knows about...and enjoys an intimacy with me that neither of us has ever before experienced....but as a necessity of those things, he makes himself vulnerable to me....more and more so as time has passed, of course, as he has learned to trust me to keep his heart as safe as he keeps mine. He not only wants me to open myself to him, as i thought for a long time.....i saw him as...taking what he wished from me, holding it safe and protected, and he does that quite well. But he also gives himself *to* me... filling the hole left by what he takes....with bits of himself...for me to keep safe and protected.

And that is my responsibility. i owe him my strength, my protection, my pride. i am obligated by love, by joy, by happiness, treat his heart as the treasure it is... and what an honor to be loved by such a man. i often focus on how he makes *me* feel...too often i think. i get so focused on my own emotions and the frustration of not feeling that i express them adequately. i adore when he tells me how he feels, and i need it, and i deeply appreciate it...i revel in it, i feel like a princess when he lets me know his emotions, not only because they are good towards me, but because i am deeply honored that he opens up to talk with me like that.

But i finally realize just what an honor that is, and with great honor comes great responsibility. i finally realize just exactly how my words and actions have affected him, and still affect him. And i have finally, over the course of the past few weeks, come to understand that i *do* have a responsibility to him, regarding everything in my life, not just the things i would prefer to be responsible for.

i know this is a vague topic, a vague post, Padrone. But i don't think i can really explain how i feel about this. The issue we had a few weeks ago, the miscommunication and misunderstanding, began to open my eyes about.... not only what i type here and how i type it, but even deeper things....that my words and actions really do affect You more than i ever dreamed, and yes, i am responsible for holding Your heart safe and protected...the bits of You that You have entrusted me with....and that means not only in active obedience and service, but also in less overt ways, like clear communication about emotions, thoughts, preferences, likes, dislikes, needs, inabilities....everything that affects me, also affects us. And that is what You need to know.

i think i finally get it, Padrone, or at least the bit i should have gotten by now. One thing i really value highly about our relationship is that we change and grow, albiet at a wonderfully slow pace most of the time nowadays, but that change and growth means that we will never fully "get it"...there is always something to learn, to experience, to understand about each other and about how we work. i am so deeply grateful to belong to You, my Master, and give all i have to the only one i trust to keep me safe.

i love You. i am Yours.

Probably won't make sense....

Time is flying by lately for some reason!

So much has happened this week that it's hard to know just what to type here. i will say that i am incredibly happy. It's simply amazing how happy i am being the slave i am to the most wonderful Master in the world!

See, lately we've been discussing ... well kind of running over familiar territory in some ways i guess. We live an ocean away from each other, and for our own reasons haven't met, and have vague plans to meet in the future. So now and then we kind of... think about that i guess. And you know what conclusion we came to? That while we would LOVE to be with each other full time, or even part time...it isn't possible right now, and to beat our heads against that particular brick wall would be pointless and harmful to what we have.

Maybe i'm wrong for feeling the way i do, or maybe some of you may think i am wrong for feeling this way, but the reality is that we are very protective of what we have and we like it that way. We have a relationship that meets our needs more than any other relationship either of us has ever been involved with. Think of just how amazing that statement is....

We've never met face to face, and we are both far happier than we have ever been in any other relationship in our lives.

There's a part of me that can't help but wonder why, but the larger part of me simply revels in the security of knowing that here is a man i can truly, fully, trust. He won't harm me intentionally, and if He did, He would attempt to rectify as soon as He knew He had done it. He knows that i will do all i can, give all i have, to serve and to please Him, through obedience and through freely offered submission.

What He needs, i need to give. What i need, He needs to give. We aren't exactly alike, nor are we exact opposites. We have different likes and dislikes (sci fi - ugh). We each enjoy music, just different kinds for the most part. Ah, who am i kidding?

*sighing*

God, this week has been amazing. We have gotten even closer, have learned even more about ourselves, about each other. A couple of barriers have been broken through, ones we didn't even know existed - which is the best kind of all to break through, isn't it? We've had incredibly intimate times together, deep humiliation, and absolutely wonderful just....happiness.

Maybe i should have posted a "mushy alert" or something!

i finally understand what Padrone means when He says "melting and reshaping", in terms of me. Somehow i always meant to be made into a better slave, via whatever meant He intended at the time. And i guess, technically and in a very general sense, that IS what He means. But realistically and practically, what He means is that i am simply....totally surrendered to whatever He wishes for me to experience.

That's not a place that is easily attained, for me at least. But the joy of His pleasure....

i know my thoughts are rambling more than usual tonight. It's just that i see myself typing lots of D/s cliches, and i remember clearly thinking just how wrong people were for saying those things to me before i met Padrone.

i still hear those things spouted often.

The reality is that *initially* there is no WAY a submissive, "lives for her Master's pleasure". She has no clue what His pleasure IS. in the beginning of a relationship, or what would be expected or required or demanded of her. But i can honestly say that, after 4 years of intensity, of intimacy, of communication, of breaking down walls, and of trust that seems to grow and grow and grow beyond anything we ever dreamed possible....

i do, indeed, live for my Master's pleasure.

My greatest pleasure is in serving Him....not necessarily sexually, not domestically (yet, i suppose i'll have to learn to iron shirts, darnit).... but in the ways i have learned please Him. i know He loves when i freely offer my submission. i know things He enjoys, things He admires, things that make Him most proud. Those are the things that i try to do most often....and i try hard to learn more things to make Him proud, to please Him, as well.

i love kissing His feet when i first see Him. i love leaning my head against His leg. i love emailing daily, most days at least. i love sending a text every hour. i love going to slave position every night. i love wearing my slave number every day. i don't love my "first thing in the morning" ritual, but i *do* love that *He* loves me doing it. Pleasing Him is truly what i live for, and knowing that He is proud of His schiava, His woman, is as necessary to my life as oxygen.

And you know what? i am living a happy life, a life filled with peace and contentment, not because of circumstances, but because Padrone makes me happy. It really is that simple.

This is a very rambling post, but i realized that it needed to ramble i think. Even if my thoughts aren't always clear, some things need to be expressed. Maybe tonight's thoughts were simply that we are happy, period.

Padrone, this week has been so amazing. To have had You open up to me as You did, to have You accept and fulfill my deep needs on the phone, to have You welcome the intimacy as You did....Padrone, those things are priceless to me, and i am grateful, so deeply grateful, to belong to You.

i am Yours, mio meraviglioso Padrone....so Yours. Thank You.