Still Here

It's been so long since I've typed here that I don't know how to start. It's been a crazy, insanely crazy, few weeks. Or longer, who knows?

I've been working, and working some LONG hours. I'm teaching totally different things than I ever have, with a totally different student population, in a totally different environment.

I'm enjoying my job, overall, but it has been a LONG time coming. God, it's been rough. But I am hopeful that some recent discussions with students and administration have really been beneficial. I had turned in my resignation, but rescinded it. I cannot break my contract - I simply can't. It's the wrong thing to do.

Anyway, my kids are great for the most part. I'm getting to know some of them quite well, and I am learning to love these kids. I'm also teaching them with high expectations, though it's a difficult thing for them to deal with at times since they haven't always been held to high standards, sad as that is. But it's a really good thing for me, because I can show a lot of growth in these students' performance, which will make me look really good - lol. :)

I've missed Padrone, because as you may imagine working so much has severely limited her time and availability. She is really upset with that, and has truly missed her Master so much. But she has started leaving work at a more decent hour as she has gotten more settled. She can call and talk on her way home from work since the signal is decent except for a 10 minute stretch there. She also gets home early enough to be able to get online if we don't talk while she drives home. Usually anyway.

Yesterday I went to a special showing of some art related to the 9/11 attacks. It was absolutely moving and a very special presentation by the artist himself. The students were supposed to go on a field trip, but it was cancelled at the very last moment, and it put me in a bad light since I am the one who contacted the gallery to set it up and they really went all out for the students. It was too late to reschedule another group by the time we had to cancel, so I felt very responsible, and felt obligated to go. So I took the day off and went. It was a very, very wonderful time, and I am incredibly glad I went. I think Padrone is very glad, and proud of me too, since I simply told the headmaster that I felt obligated. He understood, and encouraged me to go.

Today Padrone and I talked for a while, and I heard his voice calmly telling me he was so glad that I am the kind of person who always tries to do the right thing, even when it isn't easy. He appreciates it in people in general, he said, but especially in his woman.

Yes, I melted.

Padrone, I am so glad to be yours. Words cannot ever express the depths of my enslavement to you, in every way. Padrone, thank you so very much, for loving me, for missing me, for needing me, for owning me deeply. I am so yours, my Padrone, even when circumstances prevent me from expressing it as fully and as clearly as I need to. I love you, Padrone. I love you.

New Job!

So I've been writing lines because I got so caught up in preparing for the new school year today (or beginning to prepare for it at least) that I forgot to message Padrone!

So I am going to be teaching in a totally different field, at a totally different grade level this year, with totally different students and parents. I'll be at a private school, again about an hour's drive away, and I'll be teaching high school English/Language Arts and either one or two science classes. And I'm very, very excited about it!

I'm behind though, of course, and I'll have to read some books in the next 3 weeks that the students read over the summer because the first week of school they will be tested on them, and I can't make tests if I haven't read the books! One I am quite familiar with already, though, so that's a good thing.

Padrone, as you may have surmised, was quite influential in the decision to go ahead and take this job. The pay is not as much as it was at the public schools, and I have to find insurance elsewhere, but they offer benefits in other ways (for instance, the school is sponsored by a paper company so we don't have to buy paper! That's $30/month right there!)

But I was thinking emotionally, and was extremely conflicted about what to do. I would have to drive that far if I were to get a job with public schools, so that was a non-factor. (I live in a very rural area, and since teaching in the local school district will NOT happen anytime soon, I had to look elsewhere) The benefits situation at first seemed quite bad, but upon further consideration it began to look better and Padrone asked a lot of questions and guided me with logic where I was leaning emotionally - basically he guided me into expressing the facts that made me feel the way I felt. That's what he is so incredibly good at, actually, and I just now figured out how to express it in words. It isn't so much that he sees the big picture and the smaller picture as well, but that he can see my situation far more logically than I can and since I'm far too emotional at times, that is an incredible blessing for me!

And yes, I surprised him recently by letting him know that I was horny and he used me and had me cum until I could not breathe - lol. That was a landmark time for us as it was the first time we have had the opportunity to both voice and cam at the same time. It was amazing!

And now, since unfortunately my chores have not yet begun to do themselves, I must put away all school stuff (sad) and computer (sad) and begin to work (major sad).

Padrone, thank you for helping me, for owning me, for asking the tough questions and voicing the thoughts I did not want to think. Thank you for letting me feel the emotions you knew I was feeling, but still remaining calm and focused on getting all the facts so you could weigh the evidence like all good lawyers do! You are so good for me, Padrone. I am yours.

Lessons Learned ... And Taught

So I've been doing a little thinking lately. Just a little because I've been uber busy, as usual, but the thoughts have still been running around in my brain.

I'm so enjoying my job this year, even with all the little stresses and big stresses that are part of every job. These kids are absolutely wonderful - so loving and loyal and trusting that I have their best interests at heart even after only a few months of being my student. The problem children are becoming less of problems, whether it is because my own tolerance has raised or whether their behavior is actually improving...no, their behavior is definitely improving. They are getting in less trouble overall, by everyone they are around. I do think that I am less harsh with them in general, and I give physical reinforcement like a pat on the back or a "side hug" if they do well. Oh man, just the pride I see start to be revealed in their eyes, their demeanor, their work effort, is so rewarding. Now, I admit, the bad days can make me want to pinch their heads off, but hey, we can't have it all can we?

I enjoy my fellow teachers, but of course there is always one...there is an administrator that is extremely difficult to deal with and I am not fond of her ways at all.But there are a couple of other teachers with whom I have developed a good relationship, and to whom I can vent - mostly our Sped case manager who I call my angel. I promise I could not have made it this far without her!

I'll find out about whether or not I have passed and will graduate, next week. If not, I'll have to redo some work and will graduate in May. Either way I'll have my AA license when I start a new school year next August, which means a raise (yay!). I still have a half an assignment to finish and two quizzes to finish, and I'll do it tonight or tomorrow or both. Not motivated tonight though, I admit. Maybe I'll read for pleasure since I just got a bunch of books today!

And what I have been thinking about is directly related to my job teaching impressionable young people who have disabilities. See, my kids have real issues in dealing with others because they have been teased and mocked for so long that they are automatically defensive no matter what is said or in what attitude it is meant. It took a lot to overcome their natural barriers, and of course there are some who still have a lot of walls up.

But so many of the things which I have learned by being Padrone's, I am using to teach my kids. It started even without my knowledge, actually. But these kids need to learn impulse control, focus, to think before they act or speak, to accept consequences, and yet to gain or maintain a level of pride and self confidence that they may have never felt before.

One of the hardest lessons for me as a person to learn...or even to understand (remember our language differences? I just didn't understand this idea the way Padrone worded it, and I was sooooooo upset in the beginning!)... is the idea that our feelings are not what others see, rather it is our behaviors that are seen and judged. I tell my kids "How you *feel* is not what gets you into trouble. How you *act* CAN get you into trouble." I've used negative situations, and immediately reiterated that thought, and they seem to be getting it. As I said, their behavior seems to be improving overall.

I also have used Padrone's lessons of patience, humor, and optimism in very real ways in my classroom. We laugh a lot in my class, and they laugh at me but not maliciously, and I laugh at them as well, but not maliciously. I'm trying to help them gain a real perspective about themselves and others, and to learn to choose their battles. They really are getting quite calm and accepting of themselves and each other, and it is so nice to see!

I do admit that my discipline ladder in my room is a bit different from Padrone's discipline with me, even earlier in our relationship. I have a warning system in place, allowing them to get out of their desks and write their names in a notebook (not on the board, the goal is not to embarrass, although it took a few months for me to realize it)...they think about what they did, and either get angrier or more upset, or they grin sheepishly and improve their behavior. But they get 3 chances before there are consequences, and of course me being me, I fuss a bit between the chances so they really have more than that. But I have been teaching them things that I have learned as a submissive woman.

The most recent, and the most relevant, was when one of my students was intent on provoking every other student in the classroom by being ugly. There were two who have come a LONG way in terms of their behavior, but who have a ruling of Emotional Disturbance which of course means that outbursts are not unexpected. They EACH controlled their behavior, as difficult as it was for them, and I was immensely proud of those guys! I took a few minutes to speak with each one individually and expressed to each of them the unique (to them) idea that when we allow another person to "make us mad", we've let them control our behavior. And this provocative student would pounce on that and keep the control by doing what he knows will evoke that negative response from these students. I stressed the idea that because they *didn't* react any more than letting him know they were upset by their facial expressions, that they maintained the control over themselves, and that is a very, very good feeling! One of my kids told me that he had never thought of it that way and he gave me a hug and said "Thank you for helping me!"

Yes, my heart melted.

These kids have had to grow up so fast, far more quickly than anyone could ever imagine. They are 10-11 years old and they just don't have that innocence, that joy, that should be the major part of childhood. They talk about relatives, especially male figures in their lives, getting out of prison or being in gangs. One kid goes to parties with his dad's family - the type of party where drugs, alcohol and sex are just part of the scenery. This kid knows more about gangs than I knew even existed. He told me yesterday about a teenager he knows who is pregnant, and this 11 year old boy said, "I don't think it's my baby." I mean, even if he was saying it for the shock value, the idea that an 11 year old would even THINK that is what is shocking to me. Yes, I'm naive and have an innocent view of the world, but it is simply SAD to me to know what these kids deal with on a daily basis. It breaks my heart.

On the other hand, I love to bring that joy to them. I'm silly and they laugh when I do things like put the flashing Rudolph nose on my face and act as if I have no idea what they're laughing at. They don't believe in Santa, but I bring Santa into their lives. I try to allow them to feel as if miracles can happen. I try to help them to believe in something within themselves, to just....understand just how special they are, and how much they have to offer even if their IQs aren't high or their learning disabilities create immense academic obstacles for them.

This post did not go where I planned, but I had so many emotions that I cannot express anywhere else, about my kids and my job. Padrone knows all of this, of course, but it's really good to put it all in one place and just...let it all out. It all started when I began to think about how much of Padrone's lessons I have been using in my classroom and with my students individually.

Padrone, I've told you just how much you have changed my life, changed me as a woman, through all the things you have taught me. But when I realized just how many of the things I've been teaching my students, I knew I was supposed to try to write here and let you know that your lessons, wherever you learned them yourself, are having an effect on more people than you probably ever realized they would. I see them, Padrone, I see the students using these things in a positive way - gradually, slowly, but yes surely - changing lives. We are both changing these students' lives, my Padrone, just as surely as if you were standing in the classroom with me. And words can never express the gratitude for the tools you equipped me with in order to enable me to successfully manage my classroom, and more importantly, reach my students. Thank you, my Padrone, and I hope you can understand just how much of an effect you are having on these kids, and on ever kid I teach for the rest of my career. You are indeed a wise and wonderful man, so worthy of my abject adoration. I am yours.

Teacher schiava

Well, school (school/school, not work/school) begins once more on Monday. Technically the semester began this week, but the one class that I am taking that will meet on a regular basis begins on Monday. So, the madness soon begins again!

And yes, this will be an incredibly busy semester, with written comps, requirements for two courses, a comprehensive portfolio, AND a 10 page philosophy of education specifically pertaining to teaching students with mild/moderate disabilities all due before November 26. Well, one of the courses may have things due after that date, I don't remember, but by that time I will feel as if I am coasting so I'll either procrastinate dramatically or breeze through the remaining assignments.

Work/school has been interesting and quite challenging on a lot of levels this year so far. I'm learning a LOT, and trying very hard to work on my own discipline issues to try to create a more disciplined environment for my students. It's a challenge, because I am more spontaneous than structured when it comes to my teaching techniques, but I *have* to add structure and learn to be spontaneous within that structure. It boils down to planning, and I admit that is my biggest weakness with this class, ONLY because of the extremes in abilities of my students and the multitude of individual goals that I *have* to teach because of what is written in their IEP. I hope that when my turn comes to write the IEPs for these students that I can write some that are more generalized but allow for specificity for each student's needs. That will make planning *what* to teach far less complicated, even if the *how* to teach it may still be challenging.

Padrone has been dealing with yet another extreme heat wave. The heat, along with other issues going on where he lives, has made his summer "interesting" as he says. Yet he still finds time to spoil his slave with his attentiveness and his guidance ... keeping me on course, helping me to keep my priorities straight, especially after a difficult day at work when he discreetly changes subjects from them to other aspects of our lives. He reminds me to take my medicine. He reminds me to take care of myself. He has me wear the rope to keep my mindset where it should be. He listens and offers suggestions with my kids because it helps me so much to hear another perspective, especially one that is supremely objective. He shares what is going on in his life. He offers funny and the upsetting. He is the most sane and stable thing in my life, and I am more than blessed to have him in my life.

In other news, I am keeping a very keen eye on the Tropical Storm heading into the Gulf in the next few days. We're in "the cone" but as of right now it seems to be headed east of us - or the eye at least. We'll likely still get wind and rain because it's a pretty darn big storm! And what has a few people a bit unsettled is that it is predicted to affect us on the anniversary of Katrina, which affected us severely. So there is a sense of unease about this storm, because even Katrina wasn't supposed to hit us until the last couple of days before landfall. So yes, I have an eye on the tropics right now!

I'll recount a couple of truly hilarious things that have happened in my classroom within the last week. First, I was playing some music in the background while they worked on their "avatars" for the reading incentive bulletin board (monkeys they colored with markers - for each book they read and pass the Accelerated Reader test for, they will get a banana, which creates a very visual record of progress for the visual learners), and they were truly enjoying it. As each of them finished their monkeys, I let them get up and dance if they wished. Soon we were *all* dancing! Here is the song that was playing at the moment in time when the principal walked in with the internet techie guy, and saw the entire classroom dancing and ACTING like the monkeys were had just DECORATED!!!:::



I let them finish dancing, then move on to coloring bananas. I told the principal that he caught us having fun! He said "It's all good!" and I truly think he was a bit taken aback, but happy to see the kids enjoying themselves and not just stuck in their desks doing worksheets or listening to me drone on about synonyms or plant cells!

So, it was a couple of days later when he came to my classroom to do an observation of me. I was actually *teaching* that time, reading aloud from the reader to the class and stopping to ask questions to ensure comprehension. Then I reviewed what it means to summarize (my example was that when they were asked "how was school?" when they got home, they didn't tell every single word that was spoken or what they did in the bathroom...the "summarized" their day....the kids seemed to get it using that analogy), and I asked for volunteers to summarize the story we had just read. So a few of them summarized, and we talked about how they chose what to say to summarize the plot of the story, and that led into a discussion of the main idea. (I know it's backwards to some people, but it made sense to me to start from the general and move to the specific, especially since so many of my students have language impairments). Anyway, I have a leader of the day, and the leader is the one who passes papers out, etc...and when I was ready to pass a worksheet out, I called on the leader who got up to pass them out and...lo and behold the kid had taken his SHOES OFF!!!! And another kid had too!!!! And they have NEVER taken their shoes off in class, so what on EARTH possessed them to do so when the principal was in there, I have no clue!!! I was truly mortified, and yet the only comment he made in his email was to make sure that I continue procedures in the classroom - lol. It was funny, once I got home!

And the last story is about a "living plant cell" the kids created. That day there were several absences, and so it was easier to do something like this without leaving kids out. I needed 7 volunteers, and one girl didn't feel well and one boy had acted out and was not allowed to participate, so I had my 7 automatically. One was the "brain" of the cell (nucleus). One was the "green stuff" (chlorophyll), one held the green stuff (chloroplast), one was the energy (mitochondrian), one was the big empty space that filled up with food and water and waste (vacuole), one was the cell membrane that kept all the parts of the cell inside, and one was the "tough guy" (cell wall). Oh lordy I laughed until I cried at those kids acting that out! I wish I could have recorded it, it was truly hilarious, and yet they learned the actions of the cell parts, if not the names. I'll have to figure out something else to do for the names. Any ideas?

So you got a glimpse of my classroom...the good and the bad, but not the ugly. I haven't mentioned the power struggles, the rebellion, the thrown backpacks due to not getting their way, the fact that one student is already in ISS, three have already been paddled (one has been paddled twice), and the "almost fights" that i break up before someone gets hurt, and the fact that I have been told to handle all of this in the classroom and not write up students for the first nine weeks of school because the grade level principal doesn't have time to deal with them and it won't do any good to write them up. I haven't talked about the emotionally disturbed students who don't consistently take their medication because the parents aren't usually awake to make sure they take it and 10 year old boys won't always remember to take medication on their own. I haven't mentioned the student who burst into tears when I added extra homework because the class can't walk from one place to another in a straight line without talking, because he has nobody at home to help him with homework because his mother refuses to since "she ain't the one in school". It is because of those students, with those issues, that I try to create an environment for my students that allows them to feel safe and accepted, even if their behavior isn't always accepted.

And the first lesson Padrone ever taught me, that changed my own life forever, is one that I daily reinforce to my students in one way or another:

How you feel doesn't get you into trouble. How you ACT does.

If I can teach these students anything at all this year, I hope it is that self control is extremely valuable and will benefit them in every area of their life. I do not expect them to go from acting solely on impulse and emotions, to perfect self control in the matter of a few months - that would be crazy. But if I can plant that particular seed, and water it and feed it, then maybe I can also see it take root and grow just a bit in their hearts and minds and behavior.

I've rambled, I know, and yet I won't apologize for it this time. I am extremely passionate about teaching, and it is bound to show in my blog as it does in every other area of my life. I truly need to figure out how to organize my thoughts and my planning and my physical area, as well as my own schedule and time while at school (planning will help tremendously with that), and I have reached out to experienced teachers for advice as well as teaching blogs and pinterest. It will take a year or two but I will improve and my classes won't suffer for my inexperience as this one may be doing!

Padrone, I have been thinking today how fortunate I am to work in a profession that I love, even on days when I am stressed and feel totally inadequate to the task. And, whether or not you believe this, I would still only be dreaming of teaching, filled with regrets and "what ifs", and living a life of bitterness and sourness if you had not come into my life and encouraged me to follow my dreams. I cannot even begin to imagine life without you, and I feel literally ill when I think of how I would be had I never met you. I am a different (better) person inside, following a totally different path, than I would have ever even had the courage to do, because of you. Words can never say how much you mean to me, Padrone, no matter how hard I try. Thank you, from the bottom of my loving, enslaved heart.

Update to Wager!

The wager has changed just a bit. We talked about the "freedom" thing, and how difficult it would be for him to remove his control even for only a couple of days, and how it would mean that I could act disrespectfully or inappropriately with no consequences. He chose not to answer questions I had about the story I will write if I get the job, and when I asked him why, he said that he was being mean and making it harder for me - that losing a bet is supposed to be hard.

What he was proposing was a vanilla relationship for 2 days.

You know, D/s is not always on the forefront of our relationship. It isn't always apparent or obvious in its expression. But it is simply part of who we are, and...well even thought it would be more symbolic than anything else...the thought of it not being there, by choice, with him having no authority at all, and me having no expectations placed on me....well, it just seemed *too* hard. (Although writing a 30 page story in 3 days would not be a piece of cake either)

So when we were talking about it, I basically asked him....shouldn't the one who wins the wager also want the results? It shouldn't *just* be hard for the loser, should it? And so he asked what I would like instead of that, and I thought for a moment....and came up with a new wager, that we both agreed upon:

If i am not offered the job, the result *I* expect to happen (I would win the wager but lose the job), then he will write a blog post once a week for 3 weeks. I will determine length and offer suggested topics - but I have no doubts that his own topics will be quite interesting and illuminating without my thoughts.

It isn't that it is extremely unpleasant for him to write his thoughts, or to share them (usually, he *IS* a man after all, with all the genetic issues with expressing themselves).

It is more that it is difficult for him to write long pieces in English. He has a wonderful grasp of the language, but he is seldom satisfied with what he types because he can express himself so much better in Italian (or so he says, I have to take his word on that one of course!). And now and then his grammar is a bit awkward. But it takes him a long time to write in English because of his perfectionism. So this won't be easy for him to do when he loses the wager.

I also get to keep my sexual exploration addendum, so I'm gonna have a little fun too!

It won't be easy for me to know that he is doing something really difficult for him. I'm not built that way. But I will love to read his words and thoughts that he will share publicly. I will have to simply be patient and know that he is the one who suggested the wager and made the choices as to what would be wagered. It won't be easy for me, because I am the type of person that I am, but I will do it.

Padrone, I am on the verge of apologizing for this particular wager condition, but...well, you agreed to it of course, but...the other just seemed way too drastic, and....difficult for us both. I know you think I'm overthinking something that will never happen, but that's the entire reason for the wager - that we disagree on the results of the interview! I'll have a much better idea in a couple of days, maybe. And I promise to wear my "lucky" blouse - I will do my very, very best since I really would love to get an offer from that district!

I adore you, my Padrone. Just simply adore you!

A "Friendly" Wager?

I have an interview with a very good school district on Thursday morning. I personally think I have a snowball's chance in hell of being offered a job there, which I am not sure Padrone believes is what I consider realistic and not simply doubting myself. The reason I feel that way is because I expect there to be far more experienced teachers applying for the job, and no matter how good a teacher I feel that I am, the reality is that I have not had as much opportunity to prove it as some other teachers may have had. It isn't that I feel that I am a poor applicant, just less experienced than some others may be.

Because Padrone feels strongly that I will be offered a job there, he proposed a "friendly" wager:

If I am *not* offered the job, the result I expect, then I will be granted 48 hours of total freedom, with no obligation to him whatsoever. I also added a little bit to that (for reasons of my own, which aren't nearly as obvious as they may seem) - as part of that "total freedom", I will be allowed to explore new ways to please him sexually, as long as I don't try to turn him into a sub (as if that was even possible, but a bit of sexual exploration can be fun I think).

As an aside here, if that is the result it's mostly a win/win for both of us - the *feeling* of obligation, of duty, is lifted which allows me total freedom to express my submission in whatever ways I choose, or not to at all if that is my choice (as if, but theoretically it is possible, work with me here - lol). And since Padrone enjoys those freely given offers of submission more than anything, he will be very pleased by every overt show of submission. And yes, he knows I will do them, because I can't go 48 hours without expressing my submission! So like I said, it's a win/win in a lot of ways. And it's for that reason that I asked for the addendum.

Don't tell HIM this, but I hope my suggestion intrigues him enough that I can explore a bit even if I *am* offered the job, but I won't have time to explore for a while if that happens.....

If I *am* offered the job, I will have to write a long BDSM story, at least 30 pages long, for him to publish on the internet. AND I will only have 3 days in which to do it! I've never typed 30 pages of *any* sort of story, EVER, so I'm kind of overwhelmed by his wager here - lol.

I have formally been approved by the Board in one of the jobs I was offered, and I was offered a second one yesterday. I have two more interviews set up on Thursday, and I'm debating whether or not to wear my lucky interview blouse!

What do y'all think? Should I hope to "win" or "lose"? And yes I'm teasing because I really *would* love to be offered a job at that outstanding school district! I guess I'm just truly moved and overwhelmed by Padrone's show of confidence in me. And yes, now I'm going to melt into a mushy pile of slave.

Padrone, I don't know (yet) why you are so confident that I will receive an offer from this particular district, but your confidence humbles me and makes me so proud to be yours. I am so moved, my Padrone. And I love you, too.

Changes, Changes. Always Changes.

Padrone and I are wonderful, just wanted to get that stated up front. The issues aren't with us, they are with me. And they are not relationship issues.

I have been told that my contract will not be renewed at the school district where I am working. It has nothing to do with my job performance; totally to the contrary actually. The reality is that the numbers of Special Education students in the district dropped enough that the State cut funding for one Sped teacher. I was the last one hired, so the first one let go.

It makes a lot of sense, and of course I would never expect them to keep me and let a teacher with more experience go.

But the effect of it all has been that I feel very vulnerable again, and all the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that were so prevalent in my last job search have unexpectedly risen to the surface, giving me some heightened emotions to deal with, and for Padrone to deal with as well of course. That man is absolutely incredible and he knows me very well. It is almost as if he knew what I would be feeling before it happens.

I am job hunting, and I know of a couple of jobs already. I have a more acceptable license (not alternate license as of July 1, with a couple of endorsements that I didn't have before). I have a year's experience now that I didn't have then. So I am in a better place professionally, which is a very good thing. I know these things in my mind, but of course being forced into another job hunt is...really difficult.

I'm alright. I really am. Padrone has really helped in so many ways and I think he was more prepared because the superintendent had told me of the possibility a week before he lowered the axe. I thought I was too, but...oh well...the reality has been a bit strenuous.

So, we have had a couple of really good relationship discussions, but I am not in the right head space to discuss them. Tomorrow will be a very difficult day, of course, and I'll be all mushy tomorrow night.

Padrone, thank you for your steadiness, your stability, your solidity. I love you, my Padrone, and I am indescribably grateful that I am yours. Forever, totally, irrevocably yours. Thank you. Just thank you.

An Outpouring of Love for my Padrone

I miss the time I used to have. There, I admit it.

I work, drive to and from work, do a few chores to ensure I have clothes to wear and the toilet is clean, and sleep. Until the weekend, when I do a few more chores, shop for groceries, watch football, do more laundry and get things ready for the next week. I knew I would be busy, but I guess I didn't realize just *how* little time I would have while working.

I do love having my weekends off though, the consistency of knowing just when I will be free is a huge relief. I'm about to start another class, and I can't drop this one so I have to do whatever it takes to get the work done. I will, I know. I just miss having the time I used to have.

I am thoroughly enjoying my job, though. Hearing the students say that they love my class and want me to move to 7th grade with them next year means more to me than I could ever express. Hearing my MR student who has had the same teacher, in the same surroundings, for the past 5 years tell me that she loves my class, and she loves our room.... it's like a balm to my soul, I admit.

The politics are still awful and stressful and taking their toll on me. Being asked to do things that are illegal and unethical, by my mentor teacher at that, is something I never expected and can only hope that I can continue to react in an appropriate way. I feel as if I have to keep my guard up constantly. I know I do, in many ways, but it is as if I have a target on my back because I am the "new kid" and also because I...well, frankly because I know what I am doing and I am not going to risk my license and my future by doing some of the things they are asking me to do.

I am just really, really grateful that Padrone is a lawyer! But even more than that, I am grateful that Padrone is the loving, caring, patient, supportive man that he is. I guess sometimes I tend to have my head in the clouds or maybe I just ... don't always understand the effects of so many changes and so I pile things onto my plate without realizing just how hard it might be. Well, I have handled a lot of things since Padrone and I have been together, so maybe it seems as if I haven't really recognized my limitations or something, I don't know. Does that make sense? It isn't as if I think I am superwoman or something, please don't misunderstand. It's just that I can see that I have in the past worked full time and taken 3 graduate summer classes, so I never imagined that taking one class while teaching would be an issue. But Padrone realized far more than I did that I wasn't just going to work full time again, I was starting a new career entirely. It is stressful. It has taken quite a bit of adjustment. And it has really, really been time and energy consuming that's for sure!

But Padrone keeps steady. He hasn't used me in a while, that's true, and I miss that. Not as much the sexual aspects of it as the overt, focused, undeniable expression of submission and devotion....and the gratitude that follows so immediately .... that I miss. It isn't as if our relationship is any less strong by any means. If anything it is stronger, from my perspective at least. It seems as if my emotions run deeper and deeper with every passing day. I never understand just how that can happen, but this man...

Padrone thinks that I make him look like some sort of....saint or something, in my blog. I don't talk about how badly he beats me at backgammon even though I am still learning and don't know all the strategies. I don't talk about when he asks me why I am a couple of minutes late getting online, but often makes me wait 10 minutes or longer before he comes online. There are times when I get irritable (usually hormone-related, even though I hate using that "excuse", it happens). There are times when he is grumpy - although not often for sure. But the consistency of his behaviors, the expressions of his emotions, that consistency has influenced me in a very positive way and it is as if the newfound calmness of mind has allowed my emotions to deepen or strengthen.

I don't have to be concerned with whether or not Padrone is going to be upset about this or that. I honestly believe that I have a pretty good understanding of this man, on the level that is vital for our relationship as the dynamic stands. I believe that it would take some pretty major disrespect or deliberate disobedience on my part for him to get extremely upset with me. He may get irritable, as he did when I would forget to text him as soon as I got to the school every morning, but really upset is extremely rare. I would remember to text when I left, but when I would get to the school itself, I would have people who would walk to my car when I got there, talking with me about school or whatever, and I would forget to text even when I got to the room because by then my day had started....or I would text then but it wasn't what he wanted. So we have kind of, in a way, compromised in an informal way. I try to text before I go in, but I will at least text when I have gotten to my room. (also, one reason I would forget before is because I would be getting to the school just in time to clock in...well, I usually clock in 5 minutes before it's required, but now I have started leaving a few minutes earlier so I have time to get the settling in done). Anyway, after he threatened to call the school a couple of times, we had a talk and....I've done better (for the most part, with a couple of very noticeable slip-ups) and so has he. He simply texts to ask if I arrived safely, and he now gives me time to respond between classes or whenever I can instead of threatening to call the school. So see...things do have a way of working themselves out, simply because we are who we are and we know that working them out is what we do.

I love him more as time passes. I honestly never believed that was possible before Padrone. Was there life before Padrone? I feel as if I spent my entire life waiting for him, going through the motions of life with the joy in my life coming solely from motherhood.

Gratitude overwhelms me. It simply and totally overwhelms me. I adore you, my love. You are so important to me, and I cannot imagine life without you in it. I am yours in ways that are absolutely inexpressible and irrevocable. Forever, absolutely, yours.

A New Day, A New Life

First, thank you Padrone for the suggestion for what to write about today! I have wanted to type here for a few days but really didn't know what to write. So many things happening, but not as much on the D/s and relationship front...on the surface at least...and so I realize that what I type here only has interest for myself and Padrone in the long run. And that's perfectly alright with me.

But a lot of what I type here, Padrone and I have already discussed, and this place is more for clarifying my own thoughts, or adding details that I forget when we're talking, or things like that. I process my thoughts through typing them here, at times, and that is what I think will happen today.

See, my new job will entail many changes in my life, and in Padrone's of course. I will have to wake up and leave home at an ungodly hour in the morning, drive an hour or so to my job, and drive home the same distance. I will have a lot of time alone, which is not a bad thing at all. Being on the road for that long will be a challenge some days, and I know Padrone will worry a bit about me driving that far. The drive is the worst part of this entire job, but if I didn't think I could do it, I never would have applied for the position. After this year, my situation will be a little different in a couple of ways, and I can do anything for a year!

But it means that our routine will have to change, as will my framework. We've already talked about the fact that 5:30 am is awfully early to wake up and shove a fake cock up one's ass, so that is one bit of the framework that will shift. I am sure I will still have something to do in the mornings, even if it is to wear something while I drive. But of course what it actually is will be up to Padrone.

And you know what? I am so grateful that Padrone is the type of person he is. He takes into consideration not only his own needs and desires, but mine as well, and my circumstances and situation and job and life and personality. He knows me so well, and challenges me at times, but frankly we have moved beyond the need for me to prove my submission to him.....but that doesn't mean that things will always be easy. It simply means that Padrone chooses how he wishes for me to show my submission. That doesn't mean that he doubts it or that i must prove anything, only that the D/s is a major part of our relationship.

I guess it is the fact that I do trust him so much that enables me to....well, I don't worry about what he has in mind. Maybe I should, I don't know - lol - but not really. I know that even when he challenges me it is only out of the need for control, or that he knows i need to show my submission, in a strong and powerful way. He has no more need to prove that he can/does control me, than I do to prove my submission. We've been through too much, been together too long, for doubts of those things to be a part of our lives any longer.

And so, in 3.5 short weeks, I will be driving to my new job, in a different town. Starting a new life professionally, personally, and together with Padrone. I will finally be making a better living, financially things will begin to ease, and I will be doing what I have dreamed of doing almost my entire life. I am in a beautiful, almost fairy tale relationship with a wonderful, loving, considerate, passionate, caring man. And the frame within which I live my life will be shifting but not crumbling.

Now, if only I can find a decent car....*laughing but still serious*

Padrone, I have a ton of things to think about in terms of this new job. What is the dress code? When I get paid at the end of August will it be for a full month? I have paperwork issues with license to deal with. I have to think about packing lunch (I refuse to eat school lunches daily...they are just plain gross, even after all these years!). I have to get clothes cleaned, ironed, sorted into outfits so I won't have to think about all of those things while I am acclimating to a new job. I am sure some shopping will be involved, even if for nothing other than shoes. (I doubt sneakers will be appropriate - lol) And I have to finish all of my work for my classes this summer and get registered for classes in the fall.

But through it all, I hope that I never fail in my effort to let you know how much you mean to me. You are the reason I have this job, Padrone. You encouraged me to begin this trek, to take that first test that built my confidence when I passed the first time. You made rules forcing me to study daily, and rewarded me for doing so. You believed in me, quietly, unwaveringly. You supported me, encouraged me, and gave me very real help in my schoolwork. Your pride in me now humbles me, my Love, even as it motivates me to be the best teacher I can be, to do the best job I can do, and most importantly, to strive to make a difference in the life of a child who has special needs. If I can help them learn to believe in themselves even half as much as you have helped me to believe in myself, then I will be proud.

I have said this before, Padrone, and I will say it forever. I could never have done this without you. You have given me a blueprint for helping my students, far more than any class or book ever could have. Care for them...love them....accept them where they are....believe in them....expect them to do their best....motivate them to strive for their goals....and show them how proud of them I am when they accomplish something difficult.

Because of you, Padrone, I will be a wonderful, wonderful teacher. I love you, my darling Padrone. You truly are my Hero.

Great News!

I finally got a job! I am, pending approval of the local school board (which will happen on Monday night, and is a formality, but a necessary one), I am now a Special Education teacher in a school district almost an hour's drive from here. I am almost wiggling with excitement!

Daughter is improving, although I am concerned with sharp pains in her legs and am calling the doctor today about it. I realize that pain can be a good sign, especially with a back injury, but these are new pains and that, in my book, is something to check with the doctor regarding. So, while I am not obsessing about it, I'm aware, concerned, and calling to alleviate my concerns.

I am way behind on my schoolwork too. Anybody want to do a Literature Review for me? *teasing, mostly - lol* But my professors are THE most understanding people, other than Padrone, I have ever met in my life. So I have to type a position paper that was due on Wednesday night at midnight and turn it in this weekend, and the rest of the stuff I am almost pretty well caught up on. I was feeling a lot of pressure because my daughter's next appointment was scheduled for July 21, and since we won't know until then whether or not she'll have to have surgery, I was planning on getting all my work done before then. But the appointment was rescheduled for the 28th, so I have that extra week which will be nice.

And Padrone....

What can I say? When I sent the text to him saying daughter had been in an accident and we were heading to a larger hospital than our rural town's...from that moment onwards, he has had nothing but concern and patience for my daughter and myself, respectively. I am really tired from the demands of  her limitations even as she heals (probably more tired now since it is the interruptions of resting/relaxing that are draining now rather than the constancy of her needs), and Padrone is concerned about that as well as about daughter's situation. His famous patience is really much needed in this time, and my gratitude for his understanding is just overwhelming at times.

And what is so wonderful is something that I have been planning on blogging about for a while but got a bit sidetracked...

The D/s aspects of our relationship are far less....formal, maybe? They aren't the most obvious things about our relationship, although they are still there and going strong and extremely fulfilling. (and even Padrone's patience and understanding have been an overt show of his Dominance, because he has show in so many ways how much he loves me and cares about my well being...and he is meeting my needs by being the man he is if that makes sense...) But even though it was D/s that brought us together, and is a major part of our relationship, the more it becomes simply a natural expression of who we are and how we feel about each other, the happier we are individually and as a couple.

And yes, I can say with all confidence, that we are both happy.

Padrone, I have said before, and I will say many times in the future I am sure, that I am incredibly grateful for who you are. I cannot express how much your support has bolstered me during the past few weeks especially, but really even from the time I took a tiny little baby step into this life-altering step of becoming a teacher. I remember clearly the rule for me to spend an hour a day studying for my tests, and permission to use the comfortable chair as a reward for doing so. I remember the tears and the stress and the obsessiveness of last summer when I was totally overwhelmed because I had gotten in over my head but still somehow managed to learn to swim. I have called you so often, high with the thoughts of a positive interview, and bummed out and discouraged from being overlooked for a job yet again. I remember even Wednesday of this week, after the interview, calling and feeling very positive about the job but almost scared to hope. I remember your steady outlook, the positive way you see things, and the way just talking with you helped steady my emotions so I could once again focus on what I needed to do.

I can say with all honesty that I would never have even attempted what I have done if it weren't for you, Padrone. You believe in me, and that has taught me to believe in myself. That, my love, is what has made my life so much better...and it is all due to you. I will never be able to express what it means to me to be the woman you have chosen, the woman you love, the woman you own. I love you with all that I am, and all I will ever be. I am yours.

In Search of Treasure (or a job, same difference at this point)

So I have been job hunting again. I'm once more looking for a teaching position in Special Education, but this year I am far more prepared than I ever have been before. That's most definitely a good thing since I have put in long hours, much effort, and a few tears in order to be that prepared!

I went to the local school district office today. I had mailed applications all over the place in neighboring counties and within a strict, but doable, driving distance. But somehow I had neglected to apply locally. One reason is that I don't do political types of games, and I happen to know several teachers here and I don't want to get involved in "taking sides" or even in plain old gossip sessions. I may like you, but I won't gossip with you.

Anyway, when I went in, one of the women at the front desk was a friend of mine. Actually I wouldn't classify us as friends but as more than acquaintances, since we spent many long hours at the ball fields together when her girls and mine, and her son and mine, all played ball in the same leagues. I congratulated her on her daughter's behalf for earning academic honors, and then gave her the application packet I had put together. She asked if I had spoken with the SPED director for our county schools, and recommended that I take the same packet to her. So I thanked her nicely and sincerely and drove straight over there.

Not sure how much of an impression I gave wearing shorts, sandals, and a t shirt, but at least the t shirt is one of my alma mater which happens to be a prestigious school in our neck of the woods! I honestly didn't expect her to be in her office, so I was very surprised when her secretary said to go on back.

I handed her my packet and listed what was included. She looked over it all quickly and told me to call the principals of two of our schools, and make appointments to see them as soon as possible. I was excited, and thanked her, and then I just happened to ask if she could think of anything that I might want to include in my packet for them. So she gave me some very good suggestions, one of which was to discuss things that have worked for me in the classroom in terms of management. That really made me feel good because it was a direct reference to my one week in the classroom back in the fall where I took a class of 5 unruly boys and had them behaving within a couple of days...and not only behaving but enjoying themselves and each other!

I impressed her, and she let me know it, and that has me floating at the moment. As if you couldn't tell!

Anyway, right now I am waiting for return calls from principals (or their secretaries, I'm not picky) to set up appointments. I am going to print off lesson plans that I have created for class assignments which will show that I do know how to write them using the DOE Frameworks for our state. I am going to print of resumes and Praxis score reports, since I gave her my last copy of each of them. And I am going to get an email address for each of them if I can and send a link to my website that Padrone built for me which includes my philosophy of education, classroom management plan, sample letters to parents, etc. I will also print some of that off, probably a condensed version of my philosophy of education.

I'm realistically excited about this, frankly. I understand that these openings do not mean that I have a job, by ANY means! But what it *does* mean is that the timing is right for getting my applications in, for getting my name known in whatever school district I may be applying for. Now is the time that the districts are learning about openings, and are aggressively working to fill them. And this year, I am ready...qualified, eager to learn more as evidenced by my continuing in school, and available. And I have not procrastinated and sabotaged myself out of consideration.

Padrone, thank you for allowing me to continue in school even after last summer's major stress. It is benefiting me in practical ways now, since the lesson plans I did last semester will be the ones I print and provide as examples of my ability to write them. I made As, so I know they are good!

Padrone, I am excited...not totally because of this specific potential, but more because of the combination of things that have taught me that I am ready to teach. I am not simply hopeful, but I am ready. Emotionally, intellectually, mentally....I am ready in all the ethereal ways, not simply in the practical ways. But believe it or not I am also ready there as well!

Thank you, my Love. Thank you for supporting, encouraging, and bugging me when I didn't want to think about doing anything anymore. Padrone, the day I sign my contract, you will likely be able to hear me yell all the way across the ocean! And I truly, honestly, believe that it is going to happen this year.

I am going to hush this now, and stem the flow of words for once. I love you, Padrone. I simply, totally, gratefully love you.

not *quite* so boring...

Sometimes i wonder if i will ever learn one of the most basic lessons of life - be careful who you trust. i am usually pretty intuitive, but when i trust, i do so with an unwavering loyalty, which is what i think the real problem is more than who i trust. i am good at seeing things, at hearing things, to make judgement usually pretty sound. i can seem aloof i guess...in some situations, although it's usually just lack of confidence that people really do want to get to know me....but part of it is just...waiting to see if someone is who they say they are, if that makes sense. i really have a problem being objective when i finally do trust someone. i trust implicitly, i guess, and that can create problems.

i'm not working with the "understanding boss" anymore. There are no more promises of promotions or "pie in the sky" titles and such. And that wouldn't be a problem, because the separation is formally a temporary thing (i've been laid off), except apparently she hasn't yet registered with the unemployment division in our state, which means that i am not yet able to file for unemployment benefits.

Well, i *could* even without her being registered, apparently, if i had proof of employment. But our checks were handwritten checks, and even though it is 2 weeks past the federal deadline, she has yet to get w2 forms out. And she has some lame excuse, and is apparently in no hurry to do what is right.

So, i've been burned far more than i ever had before, because i have known this woman for years, literally, and never once dreamed that she would be this type of person.

Which is one reason i have been kind of quiet here, i think. It's really hard to admit when one makes that kind of mistake, and the betrayal has to become deep and absolute for me to lose faith in someone. My own personality trait makes me feel like an absolute fool, frankly, and that's hard to admit to myself, much less to anyone else.

And yes, it has affected our relationship, as bad as i hate to admit *that* too. My confidence has been crushed, and it wasn't that great to begin with (working on it, but just not there yet). i have had all sorts of roller coaster emotions, which have of necessity created situations that are ripe for misunderstandings. It hasn't been *all* my fault, i do know that, because problems never are the fault of one person in a relationship. And we haven't been having "problems", just getting upset over small stuff, and i know i have been projecting all my negative feelings onto Padrone or some such psychobabble as that. But we've worked through it all, and i am feeling my own emotions settle a bit, and i am hopeful of even more settling as time passes. And i know it will happen.

For those who think that "online" relationships are less real, or less...dynamic, i guess is the word i am looking for, then all i have to say is that you don't know my Padrone. He would not take less than real, less than all i have to give. Of *course* there are physical limitations, and i am in no way denying that there will be different ways to express the dynamic when we are together than there can be now. But the way he controls me, and yes it is because i obey him even when he can't enforce it in ways other than...trusting me....but he tells me what to do, not just when he wants to and in ways he prefers, but also in times like this, when i am floundering and feeling as if i am wandering clueless, far away from any anchor of stability...

That is when he shows his strength most of all. i know he takes for granted the ability to look objectively at situations and ask questions, gather information, and make informed decisions. i am not sure he understands just how much i admire that quality, especially when it he calls on it when i need it most. Yes, i can do it with others at times, but i still tend to get too emotionally involved even then. Padrone can simply look at things and oftentimes what he says is so clear, and so right, that i am just like...wow....and i sometimes feel stupid all over again.

And lately i have ... not really blamed him for that, but maybe...been far too sensitive because of the rawness of all the other emotions, and so any negative emotion will naturally be magnified.

But today i feel better. i feel as if i have a plan, as if there are changes coming, positive ones. It may be the spring weather, the renewal, the hope that warmth after frozenness brings. (spring-like, i should say. Even in the deep south spring doesn't usually come to stay in February). It may be because i am seeing hope for a teaching job. Not definite hope but this is the time of year that school districts know if teachers are planning to return or not, and so it's the optimal time of year to apply. i have a plan laid out, thanks to Padrone making me do it (told y'all he has a lot of control), and i am following it, a bit every day, to get my name "out there" in a positive way. i have been substituting some, and i have gotten word out that i want to do more of that.

Today i feel as if it will all work out for me. And frankly, today is the first day that i can honestly say that i really don't care *how* it works out for me. In other words, i have finally realized that any consequences that happen for my ex-boss are things she has brought upon herself through her own choices and actions.

That is a major step for me, for a lot of reasons, but it is such a...freeing point of view. And that, i think, is the bottom line for my raised spirits today.

Well, that, and some amazing use, very intense and very much needed, last night. But that's a totally different, and untold, story. :)

Padrone, i always try to say something personal to you to end my blog post, but the only thing i can say right now is a simple...thank you. i am inexpressibly grateful for you, for your control, for your care, for your love. i can never give back even a measure of what you give to me, although i will try for the rest of my life. i love you, my Padrone.

Fingers crossed

I'm teaching!!! Well, as a long-term substitute for now at least. And I start tomorrow, so it is technically not true that I'm teaching now but ...

Tomorrow morning I'll be in a classroom, responsible for teaching 5th - 8th graders (10 years to 14 years old) in a small, rural school in my county. I was called on Friday afternoon and asked to sub in a long term position, starting Monday (leading me to believe that someone either quit suddenly or was fired, as there has been a teacher in this position since school started). I said "YES!!"

So it is my hope that there are lesson plans done for the next couple of weeks at least, and IEPs are up to date, and that I will only have to catch up with the lesson plans and learn the routine and the kids and implement things to make the class *mine*....before I have to make new lesson plans! But I'll do whatever I have to do, recruiting whatever help is necessary to do it and be successful at it.

I know that at least *part* of the reason I was asked to assume the position as a sub is because I am already on the sub list (thank goodness), and so there is no need to wait for the school board to approve me walking into the class. I would have to wait until the school board meets and approves my hiring as a teacher if I weren't on the sub list, and this way I can get into the classroom and have my foot in the door at least. I don't know if they'll hire me, but I got the distinct impression that they planned to, based on the discussion of standards and expectations for these students and the statement "we'll discuss that later" (talking about accomodations for the statewide tests, given in the spring of each year). So I get the idea that they plan to keep me around at least until then. :) But....i'm definitely not counting my chickens before they hatch here, and that's kind of kept me feeling a bit ambivalent for some reason. This summer, every time I have gotten excited about a job possibility, I have been disappointed. So I think I'm not getting excited now in an effort to curb any possible disappointment.

Oh yeah. Since the job I started last week had such a great and understanding employer, who literally gave me a job when I most needed one, I am going to try to work both jobs for a while, especially since the pay for a sub doesn't come CLOSE to the teacher's salary I will be getting eventually. So two jobs, and two classes, a son in college and working, a daughter in her last year of homeschooling and also working....a busy, busy schedule in my future, BUT...time for Padrone is high on my priority list, and He knows it because He placed Himself there! Well, it didn't require a lot of force to make me abide by that, believe me!

Ugh. I make my own head spin some days!

I have to go to sleep now, since I have to be at the school at 7 am. It's normally a 15 minute drive, but I'm driving my old, broken car, so I am going to drive slowly and carefully, and also give myself plenty of time in case parking is an issue.

Padrone, I hope that tomorrow I will be allowed to talk and talk and talk, because you know I'll be full of words for You. I am so happy, Padrone. Maybe, finally, it is happening. Maybe. Finally.

i adore You. i am forever Your grateful, devoted slave.