Underestimating our Doms

I do it far more often than I like to think.

From what I read, I am not alone in this.

Yes, we do tend to put our Doms on a pedestal. We tend to want to believe that they walk on water. We *need* for them to be as close to perfect as we think we are far away from perfect. We need for them to be everything we think we are not.

Because we have chosen to live in a particular way, within specified relationship roles and guidelines, we are indeed free to express who we are to the fullest extent possible. And that is absolutely the most wonderful, fulfilling, feeling I have ever felt in my life outside childbirth.

But there are times when I think we forget the rest of the picture. We forget that we, even when we are living our submission to the fullest extent possible, are only half of the equation and that no relationship of any sort is achievable when it is out of balance. Oh yes, it is easy to remember that our Doms are just as Dominant as we are submissive. But what about the rest?

We tend to worry a lot about how they will react if we are less than perfect in our submission. If we fail to maintain their standards we wonder if they will lose interest, and leave.

My how we underestimate our Doms.

I learned this particular lesson during the summer I was working full time at a physically demanding job with crazy hours and little pay, while going to grad school full time. It was challenging to say the least and for lots and lots of reasons, and y'all know how worried I was about Padrone's pleasure, satisfaction, happiness. I worried that he would find someone else to scene with (believe it or not I would have been alright with that if it weren't for the fact that our own relationship started in much the same circumstances), and more upsetting - I worried that he would be enticed by someone who was more available than I was (and am).

I do cringe when I remember just how worried I was that summer. Yes, it was about me and my own insecurities. But it was also about Padrone and how I really didn't think about how little faith I was showing in him. He is such a wonderful man, and so wonderful to *me*. And I have commented, typed, before about his commitment to me and our relationship. But somehow that was lost in the shuffle at that time.

I am not alone in that line of thought.

Why is it that the men we hold in such high esteem, we tend to attribute some pretty ugly qualities whenever we don't meet some arbitrary standards? I mean, yes, I do understand that they have high standards for us in terms of behavior and such. But we have even higher standards for ourselves. And honestly, I believe that tends to leave us totally inflexible in a lot of ways. That inflexibility about our own standards of behavior can create inflexible expectations for both ourselves as well as our Dominants.

The simplistic view is that if we don't behave within a specific set of behaviors that not only have we failed, but that our Doms see us as failures. When we believe that we are seen as failures what happens? Usually we tend to do whatever we can to "fix" things. In other words, we take control over ourselves. Why? Do we really not believe that our Doms can control us when we are less than perfect?

Much has been written about submission not being meaningful if it is easy. I believe that thought is often translated into "submission is *only* meaningful if it is *not* easy", which is not necessarily true. Both subs and Doms often see the more difficult aspects of submission as the most meaningful, and forget about the day-to-day things done to serve, please, and obey that are not always difficult or which become less difficult over time.

We think, many times, that it is our responsibility to keep our Dominants from having any kind of difficulties in the relationship.

We underestimate them.

Maybe, just maybe, it is when Dominance is more difficult that is just as meaningful as when submission is difficult. Maybe Doms should be stretched in ways equal to the way we want to stretch our submission. Maybe being a Dom is difficult in ways that we may not think of, but the ways we *do* think make it difficult .... really aren't that difficult .... maybe it is mostly because the things *we* think are difficult are merely things we would *find* difficult if we were the big D.

Maybe there's a reason we aren't Dominant. Maybe, just maybe, our own strengths lie in different directions and allow us to be who we are and let them be who they are. (Not necessarily who we think they are or should be or react how we would)

When we take such a heavy responsibility for our relationships it is as if we believe that they have no responsibility for anything other than giving us the control we need to be fulfilled as a person. We lose sight of the fact that they are equal partners in our relationships, bearing equal responsibility for their success.

We underestimate them.

Believe it or not, they really *are* as great as we think they are. They are just as strong as we give them credit for being. Even in the BAD times. Even when we *aren't* as great as we think we should be. Even in the crazy times. As Padrone tells me, and sometimes I literally have to remind myself of that in the few times when he gets upset with me....He isn't made of glass. Getting upset now and then won't hurt him, much less break him!

Neither would running a dishwasher or having to masturbate when I can't be available. I even plan to teach him how to use a washer, but don't tell him I said that! But the problem we have is that we submissives think that our "job" in terms of keeping our Dominants happy, is meeting every freaking need they may possibly have and if they have to ask us for something, we've somehow failed.

Maybe our failure is in not understanding that these men are strong, capable men and that their universal expectation of us is that we do our best, given our circumstances. They are flexible enough to understand that life happens, circumstances change, and they are pretty darn good about changing their behavioral expectations of us based on those things. (One more admirable trait that we forget about when we take them off the pedestal and replace them with our own behaviors.) Yes, I do believe that part of underestimating our Doms is that we hold our own submission up as what makes the relationship work (or create problems, as the case may be). I do not believe that is true any more than I believe that one person can see-saw alone!

Padrone, I offer my sincere apology for underestimating you. I have no excuse other than the fact that I did not realize just how much control I was retaining by assuming such a heavy burden of responsibility for the health of our relationship. While I comment on, and deeply admire, your commitment to me and to us....somehow I still wanted...want?...to prevent any weakening of that commitment. Guess what? It's not going anywhere. And even if it did...it would not be *my* responsibility for it happening.

If I truly believe in you...that you are the person I think you are....then my responsibility is to let go of the idea that your happiness is based on what I do or don't do. I have to accept that you are happy with me because of who I am, rather than what I do. Yes, I have talked about this before, but never in terms of how that attempt to retain absolute control over the health of our relationship underestimates you as it does. God...Padrone, I am so, so sorry.

Thank you, my Padrone, for being who you are. Thank you for letting me grow and learn and change to become the best person I can be, and the best slave for you. I am yours...through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Totally and irrevocably yours.

Just a few "follow up" thoughts

Just a couple of quick thoughts here.

Padrone and i were discussing my posts of yesterday, and He said something that made me think. He often does, actually - lol.

He said that topping from the bottom is not the issue of a submissive or slave at all. It's a Dominant's issue. She can't do what he doesn't allow, and, especially in the beginning of a relationship, it is natural to push, to test and see just what the Dom is "made of"....rest assured, He will be pushing as well.

But if he allows her to dictate things in the relationship that he wants to control, that's his own fault. She is finding limits, just as he does when he tests her stated physical/emotional limits, or has her do things to test her level of submission.

And also, what one Dom considers topping from the bottom may be laughed off by another. That's a very subjective concept, contrary to what some folks would try to have us believe.

The other thing i wanted to say was that....as i mentioned in a comment to spirited's comment on my post regarding the "gift of submission"....(say that 3 times really fast!)....do the Dominants who would try to convince their sub/slaves that their only worth comes from them....do they LOOK for worthless women in the first place?

i really don't get it. That's a totally illogical leap for me. The only thing i can even remotely come up with to explain that twisted mentality is that maybe they look for those who exhibit the least "slave like" behaviors, and then tell them they're worthless and must change their personalities to become a slave, and that the only reason they have any worth as a slave is because of them.

That's really twisted, in my opinion, and absolutely demeaning to women in general, and to their slaves in particular.

If she was attractive enough to catch your eye, why do you want to change her so dramatically?

If she didn't have a pleasing personality, why did you look twice at her?

i don't get it. Women are far more than slaves, we have lives outside being slave, although we will have our Masters in our minds and hearts constantly, we do have lives outside the confines of the M/s part of our relationship. That's a fact of life, and one that obviously some people choose not to acknowledge.

That's alright, but i find it extremely immature, irresponsible, and a sign of severe inexperience for one to act that way. It is as if someone can't differentiate between fantasy and reality, or chooses not to accept that he can't live out his fantasies - "it just takes the right girl". Yeah. Um. Sure.

i think i'm done with that thought. i hope i am at least!

Padrone, thank You for always cutting right to the core of the issue, and helping me to clarify my thoughts. i always appreciate Your insights and opinions, even if i don't always express them. i love You, Padrone. i am Yours.

Topping from the Bottom, or "who's life is it anyway?"

***two posts in one day! i hope blogger.com doesn't shut down now!!!***

i guess this is one of those "hot" topics, and one of those which can't ever be defined to everyone's satisfaction. i'm just gonna throw my two cents' worth in here now, simply because it's my blog and i can!

i used to question myself often, wondering if what i did or said could somehow be seen as "topping from the bottom". Every time i offered a thought without being asked, every time i did something even out of habit, every time i made a suggestion.... and of *course* i never EVER criticized....every time one of those kinds of thoughts or actions happened, i would wonder "is this topping from the bottom?"

Well, i was fortunate enough to be friends with many people who live this lifestyle real life, and from whom i learned tremendous amounts of valuable lessons before i ever ventured out into experiencing things myself. i learned, i talked, i asked questions....not of some web site, or of some self-proclaimed "expert" blogger... but of folks who lived in a D/s lifestyle 24/7. One of those couples lived, at the time, in Lake Charles, Louisiana, and while i didn't speak with either of them often, when i did i almost always gained insight that led me to observe and ask more and learn more until i realized just what i was intended to learn!

One thing we discussed was the practice of topping from the bottom. What i discovered is that those who would claim that a submissive/slave should have no independent thought whatsoever, and would use the dreaded "topping from the bottom" to manipulate her into silence, are those who have no clue what it is to live with a submissive in a D/s relationship.

There is a time for silence. (Padrone, You can close Your jaw now, no matter how shocked You are!) There is a time for a slave to not speak, to keep her opinions to herself, to not ask questions. But the best Dominants i have ever known, those with the longest and most stable relationships, value their slaves. They value their opinions, their thoughts, their circumstances, their difficulties, their needs, their desires, their pasts, their futures, their hopes, their dreams, their person. They want to know what their slaves think and feel, even if it disagrees with what they themselves think and feel. They accept that no woman will ever be a silent testament to a man's perfection, and they would never expect their slave to attempt to become that.

They respect that a slave has limits, whether emotional or physical, and that some things will always be "deal breakers" if they forced their slaves to do them. They recognize their slave's ability and need to convey such limits, and usually ask about them up front.

For some, a slave who even considers a limit, much less declares one, is topping from the bottom and is no slave at all.

For me, a slave who doesn't state her limits is a foolish woman who lives on the romantic notion that her Master is perfect and infallible and will never make her (insert limit here). It happens. This type of slave never believes it, but it happens.

Consider the woman i knew who, after stating her emotional limit of monogamy, was not only forced into bisexuality, but also shared with other men and even gang banged. She "had no choice" because she was "owned" and her "Master" didn't think a slave should have limits - a TRUE slave wants her Master's pleasure and nothing more, right? He thought she was topping from the bottom, and chose to punish her by "showing who the Master is around here".

Tell that to her after she spent 3 months insitutionalized and suicidal because she truly could not handle being in a non-monogamous relationship.

Another example is of another woman who was hospitalized from dehydration after being given too many enemas in too short a period of time, after NOT telling her Master that she had a limit of enemas. She didn't want to "top from the bottom" and state a limit, so she endured and allowed even what she knew would make her ill.

Are those women truly topping from the bottom? Or would it have been to prevent illness in the second example if she had told her Master of her enema limit?

Not in my book. Some call it self-preservation, and it is. Some call it simply being human, and it is that as well. But what it is NOT, is topping from the bottom.

Topping from the bottom involves lack of trust, as has been mentioned in another blog. If a slave wishes to take *control* of her life back from someone, then there are issues way beyond "topping from the bottom" involved. But if she does, then one of those issues is almost always a lack of trust in her Master's ability or intent to keep her from harm. Keeping her from harm includes not putting her into situations where she *may* be harmed, either emotionally or physically as happened in these two examples. And one of the best ways to prevent a slave from losing her faith in her Master is for him to show her the respect of valuing her intelligence, her creativity, her limits, her abilities, and her inabilities.

Respectfully stating an opinion is not topping from the bottom. Being sarcastic and disrespectful while stating the same opinion may be seen as topping from the bottom. It's about trust. It's about respect. It's about being respected. It's about being valued. It's not about actions as much as it is about attitudes.

That's a pretty astute statement about everything in our lifestyle, in one little nutshell, if i do say so myself.

When a slave surrenders control of her life, she is not surrendering her life itself to her Master. She's really not even surrendering control of her life, she is surrendering authority - and the Master chooses that which he wishes to control or not. The control gradually deepens, the authority extends, as the Master gets to know his slave, AND VICE VERSA. The vice versa bit is what folks in this lifestyle don't wish to acknowledge, so often.

It takes time for the power exchange to deepen. It takes time for trust to build. It takes time for a Master to understand just what makes his slave tick. It takes time to learn about trigger points and tempers and struggles and fears and all of the "mines" in a person's emotions. It takes time for the slave to understand that, even when told to do things she doesn't want to do, her Master will do only what builds her up and makes her a better person. Notice what i didn't say. i didn't say "what makes her a better slave". For the power exchange to deepen and grow, the Master first has to understand that his slave is woman first, slave second. Or even third if she has kids. (not all the time, but more often that most Masters wish - lol)

What a rambling post, and i am not sure what i really wanted to say here, except that "topping from the bottom" happens FAR less often than Masters would have slaves believe, and that most slaves are so fearful of being labeled with that terrible label, that they will go to the opposite extreme in order to avoid it.

And so, while i have my moments of ... well, not really assertiveness, although maybe even that, respectful assertiveness....that Padrone allows me to have....i don't fear being told i am "topping from the bottom" any longer. i know that my attitude is respectful even when i disagree with him, and i know that if it isn't, he will shut me down - not because i disagree, but because i am disrespectful while doing so.

Padrone, i have been thinking. No matter how we label what we have, our relationship, it is still very much a relationship between two people who have found a way to express their personalities in an open and free way. We would "be" D/s even if we didn't call our relationship D/s, and all the labels and terminology in the world won't change that. It's a wonderful thing to not get caught up in "trappings" or "expectations" or have to go by The Book on anything, to simply live as we love to live and as we were meant to live!

i am so grateful that You found something valuable enough in me to spark Your interest so long ago, and the one pinch i am grateful for in our lives is the one that drew me to You. i'm Yours. Wonderfully and irrevocably Yours.