My Most Hated Need

First, i want to type a disclaimer. What i am going to talk about today is rather emotional, it is about my own needs, and my emotions regarding those needs. It is NOT about actions or how the needs are fulfilled. It IS strictly about the needs i have as a slave. Well, specifically it is about one particular need.

And i hate it.

i have a deep, driving craving to be humiliated. Not simply called whore or bitch as i am being fucked. Well, i think it started that way, long ago, even before i knew what D/s or BDSM was. But really, who *doesn't* like some dirty talk during sex now and then? (i'm talking vanillas here - those of us in M/s relationships tend to have dirty talk all the time, so during sex maybe it's a bit redundant. i mean, really. If i can come to think of being called "fuckpig" - even in italian - as an endearment, wouldn't being told to "fuck me bitch" be a bit...blase?)

The thing is, i HATE that i need to be so deeply humiliated. It isn't what Padrone does, or even what i do myself at times, that is the issue. i can't believe how far it has gone, and of course there are *some* things that i am either not ready for or are outside the realm of safety and so wouldn't be possible. But what does happen, when it happens, is enough to make me literally dream of more.

i wake up sometimes in the morning, and before i am really fully awake, i am thinking of ways to be humiliated. Well, yes, it *is* a bit embarrassing to type that, but it just kind of illustrates in a new way just how deep this need is.

Does anyone think i *enjoy* dreaming or daydreaming about things that demean, mock, degrade, objectify, or publicly shame me?

Well. Yeah. i do.

*sigh*

And that's a real problem for me. i don't WANT to like it. i HATE that i like it. i HATE that i need it. And of course, now i have to try to figure out WHY i hate it so much. i know, to a degree, why i need it, but....shouldn't accepting that need help to at least diminish the hatred for it? i can understand that acceptance wouldn't necessarily bring positive feelings, but man....i really didn't know i would hate it forever.

So i've been thinking about the why. Not as much as i *will* think about it i am sure, but i kind of had a thought that may be an opening into deeper understanding of it all.

For me, the things that i do when humiliated, to be humiliated, the things that can humiliate me....i hate doing those (and hating the actions/words is required for humiliation to happen). i hate them more because they are socially unacceptable. They are frowned upon, folks laugh or mock or look on with disgust (and probably some interest) when i do those things. But the need itself.....

If you think about what humiliation IS, how it happens, then you realize that it is a matter of someone learning about another person's weaknesses, things tied directly with negative emotions, and exploiting them. There are a lot of things that i find humiliating, and of course they may not be the same that others would also find humiliating. But i HATE knowing that i am vulnerable to being expolited that way. i HATE knowing that i NEED to be expolited that way, and i HATE knowing that i NEED to be vulnerable to it as well!

But now, after going so far with Padrone, after Him learning me so well and finding those weak places and expoliting them, preying on them for His pleasure and amusement....i crave even deeper humiliation than i can even imagine, when i visualize scenarios. i crave deeper humiliation, maybe even a different kind of humiliation, than i ever have in my life. It is simply there, growing, and there is nothing i can do about it.

i need it. i literally can't do without it at this point in my life. But i hate knowing that all my weaknesses, all my fears, can be used "against" me.... even if they really aren't...even if all that happens is a deep need is met. It's the extreme vulnerability, i guess - the knowledge that all Padrone has to do is say a few words, and i am squirming in shame and arousal.

Like i am right now, actually. Visuals are running through my mind like movies. Ideas, visions that stem from thoughts that stem from needs that i am just now identifying with any clarity, but which Padrone already understands. And i am consumed with a drive to be degraded that is deeper than i have ever felt before.

Padrone, maybe a public display like this...a public discussion, exposing my need for what it is...sparked something even deeper inside me. i don't know. But i am deeply grateful that our needs complement each other's so well. i hate that i need this so much. But i yearn to show You just how much i can, will, and need to be degraded...and i yearn to be used to meet the equally strong need within You to see me that way. It is Yours, this most hated need....as i am, my Owner. Totally, irrevocably, Yours.

Doing it ANYWAY

i'm not sure just where this post will go. But i have been thinking lately about how often i really submit even when i don't "feel" like it. If i don't "feel" submissive, do i still act that way?

That's become very important to me for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is because lately i haven't "felt" an abundance of submission, and i usually pay very close attention to my actions when my feelings are a bit "off". So i know that my behaviors are alright, but the underlying emotions aren't my normal ones, which does affect the way i do things.

i don't often feel really down or distracted enough by my life here that i have a hard time feeling submission, but the past few days it's been really difficult not to sink into a level of despair, and that struggle has taken quite a lot of my emotional resources. My typical abundance of gratitude has not been overflowing. The devotion has been there but not to the degree it usually is. It isn't that i feel any *less* for Padrone....it is simply that i have been too stressed and too worried and too distracted here to be able to focus on Him like i usually do.

i miss it.

But yanno....now and then it's normal for me to resist, to not *want* to be uncomfortable, to not *want* to be sore, to *want* to curl up on the sofa when i feel the need for...comfort...it's far easier to let emotions settle when i can be in a place of physical comfort, than it is when i have to be uncomfortable physically.

i love that it shows submission even when i don't feel it, but i miss sitting on my sofa, snuggling with my daughter while we watch a tear-jerker chick flick. i hate being sore all the time, in at least one part of my body. i hate that Padrone loves me being so uncomfortable, and that's the bottom line. No matter how i hate it, He loves it, and so i will do it. It just gets really old.

It's not so bad, the vast majority of the time. But the past couple of weeks have been up and down after years of ups and downs, and i honestly think i reached the end of my rope this week. What i wouldn't give to be able to go somewhere, alone, for a weekend. What i really wish, in saying that, is that i could go away and have zero responsibility to anyone, zero worries about anything, and as little stress as is humanly possible. But it isn't possible, and for once i am looking at what i can't have and letting it affect me.

The reality is that i don't care who you are, or who your Master is, sometimes you won't FEEL submissive, or grateful, or devoted, or honored or whatever. Nobody can live that all the time, it is sheer fantasy. And if you, or your Master, expects that, then you're living in a fantasy world that has no bearing on reality. It doesn't matter WHAT label we attach to ourselves (i'm not just talking D/s here - could be mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, friend, employee, employer, etc.)...our label and the role we play within that label is only part of our entity. We can't live in one "role" all the time without burning out or resisting or downright rebelling. That's why my Granny used to say she wanted to move to a cabin in the woods and change her name! (with 13 grandkids, at least half of us underfoot and squabbling daily, who could blame her?!?!)

But that's the point. Everyone daydreams about escape now and then, even i do. Everyone rebels against what is asked of us at times, and everyone just...wishes they didn't have to (insert unwanted requirement here). And NOBODY can keep up a level of constantly *feeling* submissive, much less the other mushy emotions. It simply isn't possible.

The entire point of all of this is that, no matter what i feel, i always, always do my best to do what is required of me ANYWAY. To do, even when i don't feel like it. To give as best i can, even when i would love to curl up and have a good cry. To show the submission i don't overtly feel, even when i would rather fight and resist. To be the slave i am, even when i don't feel like it, even when it isn't easy and doesn't feel natural to do so.

To simply show what....and whose....i am.

i love being Padrone's slave, but there are times when i wish there were just a few less requirements. But AS His slave, i am even more glad that the decision is not up to me.

Oh well. This too shall pass, i understand that so very well. Things will get better, *i* will get better, and life will settle down into a happy place for me...for us.

Padrone, You know, after we talked last night, where my mind is now, and why i typed this post. i only hope it isn't *too* negative and didn't give the wrong impression. i absolutely love being Your slave, but this week, with so many other things requiring my time and emotional attention, the rules, the soreness, has just been more of a burden than usual. Usually it is a light burden, this week it has felt far heavier. But You understand, i know, because we talked about it for a long time. i guess i'm kind of...bending under the weight of life's burdens, and the framework seems heavier because of that.

i am so grateful that You understand, Padrone. i could never express how grateful i am for that, even when i don't feel the other emotions deeply, i always depend on Your understanding nature. i love You, my Master. Thank You for being so good to Your slave.