Update, Long overdue

Soooooo....time for an update, a quickie I am afraid but at least an update.

I have moved, and have a new job, both of which have been exceedingly difficult changes this year. I am not working in the district I wanted to work, but I am  not far away and am close enough to be able to have a day (or evening, if I so choose) at the beach now and then. This district is actually pretty good itself, so I am not complaining in the least.

Padrone and I had communication issues for a while, because my ipad was stolen and I had gotten rid of my laptop and all I have now is my phone for communication and that makes emailing difficult. Voxer is a great invention, though! And soon I'll have a new laptop too, so that will be so much easier.

I'm looking to move again into something permanent within the next 2-3 months, so more changes but these are good ones.

And that's all I have to say at the moment, other than that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have my Padrone. Thank you for loving me enough to weather this storm with me, Padrone. I adore you and am indeed grateful to be yours.

Tomorrow

Kidney stones, kidney infection, Lortab on top of Demerol, Mt. Papers-to-be-graded-and-reported-before-progress-reports, recalcitrant Juniors, disrespectful Seniors, 13 year olds ...well, enough said about them ... and a yearbook staff that just *had* to make Ms. Teacher-me become Bitchlady.

It's been an interesting week.

Tomorrow starts my 9 day holiday week though, and it's actually going to be a very easy day tomorrow because very few students will be there. So I'll get the rest of my semester (3 weeks left, yay!) planned, things copied and organized as much as possible, and just hang in there for the rest of the day. It will likely be a long, boring day though. :)

Not much else to say about work, and I've been recuperating from kidney stones/infection and haven't talked much with Padrone this week. I've missed him.

Padrone, I am so glad that I will have a week off! I am *more* than ready for it, you know. I am *more* than ready to spend more time with you. I am eager to simply smile and open and melt into and with you, relaxing with you and into us once again, shaking off the busy-ness of the externals. I need it, Padrone, as I know you do as well. Tomorrow, il Padrone mio. Tomorrow.

Life's Upsets

Oh, hello. Sorry it's been so long since I've been around to type here, but it has seriously been insane at this place where I live, AND the place where I work.

Both parents have been sick, with some serious issues, in the past two months. My dad is still apparently having heart issues, though he recently had another stent put in. That, and work, and family....yes, I plan to vent here about the family issues because some things just hurt. They are just plain WRONG. And this time it isn't me that is doing it.

Work ... well, apparently Homecoming week at my new school is also known as "do absolutely no work" week, but nobody gave me the memo until AFTER I tried to teach actual classes - lol. Finally I, too, gave up. Then there was the pageant for which I was a sponsor (I'm STILL laughing about that one, but I'm yearbook adviser and apparently yearbook was one of the sponsors, we're making money off of it), but which ate 2 days of school and almost an entire weekend. And today, which of course is a work day, the Board decided to make a half day of school (decided last week, bless them) because the football team made the State playoffs and have to drive literally across the entire state for a game tonight. Since our school is SO small, the only way many of the students and teachers could go would have been to leave early, so to encourage attendance they shortened the work day. Since my drive is so long, the headmaster said "Stay home. Get a sub." So I did. :D

Since we're also off on Monday, I have a 4 day weekend! It was, in all honesty, much needed.

So today I've been browsing blogs and thinking, which is kind of what I do.

And I am more in love with Padrone than ever. Just throwing that out there, in case anyone wondered. :D

But today I need to focus on family issues and the sheer...audacity...of some people. First, the facts.

Ten years ago or longer, I "came out" to my family about the sexual abuse I had suffered, or at least parts of it. I knew it would not go over well, and I ended up being completely shunned except by two people. Ironically enough one was the wife of one of the abusers. The other was a cousin who had experienced the same things I had with one of the abusers.

One aunt told me that she had power of attorney for my Grandmother, and when she was in the hospital dying (or so everyone thought - Granny lasted a few more weeks!), aunt refused to allow me to visit her. She also told me that she KNEW I was lying about the abuse, because she KNEW how abused victims acted and I didn't act that way. She *also* asked me what made me so "special", that several men would abuse me?

Fast forward a few years to my parents' 50th anniversary reception in 2011. NONE of my aunts, uncles, or cousins except the one who was also abused and her mom (an in-law to my mom and her sisters, and the rebel of the bunch) even spoke to me. Even the one taking pics didn't speak to me, which I found quite amusing actually. Also, when I talked with my mom about the preparations for the reception, I was informed that her sisters were doing it and they had it under control. All I was allowed to do was to pay for the cake and show up, and if I hadn't shown up I doubt there would have been any comments made. I had mono when the reception happened, and I didn't get close enough to spread it to any of them, unfortunately.

So I haven't gone to Christmas dinner with the extended family in years. After mom was in the hospital, and came close to dying herself, apparently the family got together and discussed among themselves that particular fact. Well, I got a phone call from the only cousin who still speaks with me. She informed me that some of the others were wondering if I'd go back to Christmas dinner if she asked me, since they know we still talk. She THEN said that my mom was upset that I hadn't been going. THAT pissed me off no end, and even though all this happened a couple of weeks ago, I am STILL furious about it.

My mom and I have gotten a lot closer over the past few years. We've chosen to ignore things, to keep our mouths shut over things, and we've started getting along a LOT better. If she had been upset about the dinner, she would have mentioned it a long time ago. But these know-it-alls decided, apparently, that my mom wouldn't last another year on this earth, and they thought they'd try to manipulate the situation so that she had "one last Christmas dinner with the whole family around her". Yeah.

I ended up calling my mom, of course, and we had a discussion about it. I'm glad we did because she informed me that she had gotten a call too, from the aunt who had been so ugly to me (see above), saying that she didn't know WHY she was the one accused of making me feel unwelcome, she hadn't done ANYTHING to me, and as far as she was concerned I am welcome to come any time I want! So yes, I did tell my mom that aunt was lying through her teeth and proceeded to tell her why in detail. Mom told me that she knows this is my decision, it's my life, and she didn't try to guilt me into doing anything like she usually does. That is a very telling thing about the status of our relationship, obviously. I know she'd like for me to go for her own reasons, but she also understands that I have my own reasons for not going. I *have* considered showing up just to put them on the spot. If I did, I wouldn't be able to resist hugging each and every one of them and saying how GLAD I was that they were willing to put up with me for a couple of hours once a year for my mom's sake!

Or worse.

So the potential loss of my mom made me think long and hard about other losses in my life, and those were mostly the men who had abused me. Most of those men are dead now. But those thoughts triggered some major "demon wrestling" which took away yet another weekend's peace. So the days off could not have happened at a better time for this chick, for sure.

And Padrone and I have had some wonderful talks, confusing then clarifying and we are closer and more at peace than we have ever been. It is nice, plain and simple. I love him more today than ever, and I know he feels the same way about me. There is no greater comfort to this slave than confidence and security in her relationship. Padrone, I thank you for always, always giving me the reassurance or clarification I need to stay confident and secure. I adore you, as always, my love. Bacio.

Still Here

It's been so long since I've typed here that I don't know how to start. It's been a crazy, insanely crazy, few weeks. Or longer, who knows?

I've been working, and working some LONG hours. I'm teaching totally different things than I ever have, with a totally different student population, in a totally different environment.

I'm enjoying my job, overall, but it has been a LONG time coming. God, it's been rough. But I am hopeful that some recent discussions with students and administration have really been beneficial. I had turned in my resignation, but rescinded it. I cannot break my contract - I simply can't. It's the wrong thing to do.

Anyway, my kids are great for the most part. I'm getting to know some of them quite well, and I am learning to love these kids. I'm also teaching them with high expectations, though it's a difficult thing for them to deal with at times since they haven't always been held to high standards, sad as that is. But it's a really good thing for me, because I can show a lot of growth in these students' performance, which will make me look really good - lol. :)

I've missed Padrone, because as you may imagine working so much has severely limited her time and availability. She is really upset with that, and has truly missed her Master so much. But she has started leaving work at a more decent hour as she has gotten more settled. She can call and talk on her way home from work since the signal is decent except for a 10 minute stretch there. She also gets home early enough to be able to get online if we don't talk while she drives home. Usually anyway.

Yesterday I went to a special showing of some art related to the 9/11 attacks. It was absolutely moving and a very special presentation by the artist himself. The students were supposed to go on a field trip, but it was cancelled at the very last moment, and it put me in a bad light since I am the one who contacted the gallery to set it up and they really went all out for the students. It was too late to reschedule another group by the time we had to cancel, so I felt very responsible, and felt obligated to go. So I took the day off and went. It was a very, very wonderful time, and I am incredibly glad I went. I think Padrone is very glad, and proud of me too, since I simply told the headmaster that I felt obligated. He understood, and encouraged me to go.

Today Padrone and I talked for a while, and I heard his voice calmly telling me he was so glad that I am the kind of person who always tries to do the right thing, even when it isn't easy. He appreciates it in people in general, he said, but especially in his woman.

Yes, I melted.

Padrone, I am so glad to be yours. Words cannot ever express the depths of my enslavement to you, in every way. Padrone, thank you so very much, for loving me, for missing me, for needing me, for owning me deeply. I am so yours, my Padrone, even when circumstances prevent me from expressing it as fully and as clearly as I need to. I love you, Padrone. I love you.

When "good girl" is not enough

I've asked for help from Padrone regarding exercise. I can control my diet (for the most part) as evidenced by the lowering of my "bad" cholesterol by 50 points since October. All my labs look good, as a matter of fact. Other than the tendency to have lowered levels of some things that are easily raised through supplementation of diet, I'm pretty healthy. And of course, other than my weight.

I've been gaining weight lately, without any identifiable cause. Well, it could be one medication but I'm weaning off of it. Even all the supplements that were supposed to affect metabolism (among other health issues of course) did not prevent a weight gain. 16 pounds since October, even though my diet is healthier than it has ever been in my life. So I have asked Padrone to hold me accountable for exercising more, with set goals in mind, simply because accountability improves my discipline.

I know that Padrone's number one rule for me is to take care of myself. He isn't here, so he has to trust that I will do so, since he would definitely take care of me if he were here. But for some reason, even knowing that, I can't seem to exercise consistently. I'll walk, even for a few days, then will just...stop. And Padrone never really says anything, but I know he would like to see me exercise and get in shape...for looks yes but mostly for my health and my own self image. I know I would definitely feel more confident in myself if I felt that I looked better...looked the way I feel inside.

Padrone said to wait until after I saw the doctor last time, and I just haven't brought it up to him again. I am having a mental struggle with the fact that Padrone's pleasure, even his rule to take care of myself, is not enough to get me into exercise mode. And I do NOT like that about myself.

Not that I find every rule easy to follow, or pleasurable, or even beneficial to myself. But I do love to walk (when I have music - maybe that's the problem, I haven't loaded music onto my phone), and I know it's beneficial to myself, but for some reason that isn't enough to get me going. So what do I do when "good girl", when his pleasure, is not enough?

Well, this time I've asked for definite accountability. It isn't that I think exercise should necessarily be a punishable offense, and after I (finally) get into a routine of it then I won't need as much micromanagement as I seem to need to get started. Even if it were a specific set of expectations, with built in consequences like the hourly messages and daily emails are, that would be something that I would find beneficial I believe, especially after I return to work and my time suddenly becomes much more limited. Am I really going to want to waste the time with consequences???? I sincerely hope not!

I'm also under medical supervision for my weight loss, so I'm not simply running "willy nilly" and following fad diet plans or listening to the latest internet exercise guru. For me, walking is effective - especially simply to get started - and I'll be able to add to it eventually when I'm working and can use the girl's workout room at the school. And yes, the coaches there would be able to help me train, so in effect I'm also getting both a gym membership and a personal trainer (or two) (or three) as a benefit! I just have to take advantage of it, as anyone with a gym membership would have to do!

I talk a good talk, don't I? But even at school, when the girl's workout room will be a few steps from my classroom, I still have to get there and do it. And...that is, for some reason, incredibly difficult for me to do.

So what do I do to for motivation when his approval and pride is not enough? I feel ashamed of myself, of my selfishness, while realizing that it's human nature to struggle with weight, exercise, motivation, and submission. And I ask for help.

Padrone, you mentioned last night about another area of my life that you would like to control, and we talked about some details of it and how hard it might be to do it - and that the consequences for forgetting will eventually be more severe than I've felt in a long time. I understand that asking for more is pretty darn selfish but that it is my responsibility to do so when I feel that I need it. I know we'll talk about this more, and I am glad.

You know just how hard it is for me to admit that your pleasure with my submission is not enough to motivate me to do something I know you would like for me to do. I've done so much introspection about this, my Padrone, as you may imagine, knowing me as you do. It isn't an easy thing for me to ask for more from you, because I know just how much you give to me already. But asking I am, and I know you will consider carefully, and have very real and valid reasons should you choose to refuse.

Padrone, thank you for being so understanding of my eccentricities and the ... bumps in my submission. I do adore you, my love, and I am incredibly, amazingly, proud to belong to you. Grazie, il mio meraviglioso Padrone.

New Job!

So I've been writing lines because I got so caught up in preparing for the new school year today (or beginning to prepare for it at least) that I forgot to message Padrone!

So I am going to be teaching in a totally different field, at a totally different grade level this year, with totally different students and parents. I'll be at a private school, again about an hour's drive away, and I'll be teaching high school English/Language Arts and either one or two science classes. And I'm very, very excited about it!

I'm behind though, of course, and I'll have to read some books in the next 3 weeks that the students read over the summer because the first week of school they will be tested on them, and I can't make tests if I haven't read the books! One I am quite familiar with already, though, so that's a good thing.

Padrone, as you may have surmised, was quite influential in the decision to go ahead and take this job. The pay is not as much as it was at the public schools, and I have to find insurance elsewhere, but they offer benefits in other ways (for instance, the school is sponsored by a paper company so we don't have to buy paper! That's $30/month right there!)

But I was thinking emotionally, and was extremely conflicted about what to do. I would have to drive that far if I were to get a job with public schools, so that was a non-factor. (I live in a very rural area, and since teaching in the local school district will NOT happen anytime soon, I had to look elsewhere) The benefits situation at first seemed quite bad, but upon further consideration it began to look better and Padrone asked a lot of questions and guided me with logic where I was leaning emotionally - basically he guided me into expressing the facts that made me feel the way I felt. That's what he is so incredibly good at, actually, and I just now figured out how to express it in words. It isn't so much that he sees the big picture and the smaller picture as well, but that he can see my situation far more logically than I can and since I'm far too emotional at times, that is an incredible blessing for me!

And yes, I surprised him recently by letting him know that I was horny and he used me and had me cum until I could not breathe - lol. That was a landmark time for us as it was the first time we have had the opportunity to both voice and cam at the same time. It was amazing!

And now, since unfortunately my chores have not yet begun to do themselves, I must put away all school stuff (sad) and computer (sad) and begin to work (major sad).

Padrone, thank you for helping me, for owning me, for asking the tough questions and voicing the thoughts I did not want to think. Thank you for letting me feel the emotions you knew I was feeling, but still remaining calm and focused on getting all the facts so you could weigh the evidence like all good lawyers do! You are so good for me, Padrone. I am yours.

Sharing Details

How much is enough? How much submission, how much control? How much of it spilling into daily lives? How much should be revealed to others? How much is too much, too soon? How much information does anyone really need to know about us? How much vulnerability is enough, without crossing the line?

So much of what I say here could be used against me in my real life, but I feel quite safe in typing what I do here. I feel far more uncertain about revealing any specific intimacies between Padrone and I, frankly. I do understand that seems very strange. It seems strange to me too. But the fact remains that, while I don't mind exposing the fact that I am a teacher living in the south, and other various generalities about myself - I really do not like revealing things about our relationship, intimacies and information that make me vulnerable to people other than Padrone.

So I talk in generalities here, and there are times when what I type may seem to put Padrone on a pedestal, as he says I do. There are times when I type only of the good parts of our relationship rather than anything negative, and honestly a lot of that is because there isn't a lot of negative at the moment. There isn't a lot of negative in general, actually. We are extremely well suited for one another, and yes, I do know how rare that is and how lucky we both are.

So I don't give a very clear idea of how our relationship really works. I don't really explain what it means to me, in our relationship, to be very much M/s without living together.

Right now I am trying to make myself break through the barrier of vulnerability and reveal more personal things about living in a long distance relationship. I do understand that this is not necessary - heck, nothing is necessary in my own blog. But for me, in some ways, it is important.

See, what seems hard to understand, for me as well as for others, is the level of commitment each of us has to this relationship. When I wake up in the mornings, usually while I am still lying in my bed, I message Padrone to say buon giorno. Sometimes I am smiling, sometimes I am feeling yucky, and often I'm grumpy because of course I have not yet had my coffee! He doesn't always respond, which is just how he is - but that is often hard to bear. He has gotten more consistent with his replies lately, for which I am grateful, but the lack sometimes makes me feel quite lonely.

I go about my days in my own typical fashion, which of course you don't know do you? I am not a huge planner, so I wake up and while I am having my coffee I am often thinking of what I will do during the day - on summer days and weekends at least. Some days, like tomorrow for instance, have appointments. (An interview over breakfast! I feel so ... professional!!!) I take quite some time to wake up and get "moving" and it is during this "waking up" time that I usually read the blogs I still follow and care about reading. I check email and lately I have begun trying to type my daily email to Padrone early as well so I don't forget it later. That stemmed from the time when I didn't have internet for a while and would often forget if I didn't type it on my phone before going to bed.

Anyway, I have been doing major housework this summer - cleaning and reorganizing and keeping what has already been cleaned that way. I am not a good housekeeper, and I make no bones about it. I don't enjoy housework, but since my kids have (mostly) moved out I can arrange my house in the way I would like it, so I have more incentive to really dig in and enjoy de-cluttering. So often my days are dull and boring, but I message Padrone often throughout the day. I am required to do so at least once per hour, but I have missed this fairly often lately. I don't know why except carelessness and forgetfulness, and you'd think I'd actually REMEMBER since I despise writing lines for it with a passion! Now and then I simply write that I am doing nothing, because that is actually what I'm doing. Sometimes I'll send an "I love you" or something along those lines.

This summer I've also been doing a lot more reading than usual since I'm not in school any more. So there are times when I miss a message because I'm just relaxed with a book and involved with a story and forget.

But one of the most unique aspects of our relationship is that for certain offenses (missing messages/emails), there are built-in consequences. If I miss a message, I write 50 lines. The lines say "I will message my Padrone every hour". When I miss an email, I write 50 lines saying that I will email Padrone every day, and I wear green because Padrone hates green clothing. I have a feeling that if we were together that punishment might not be in effect because HE is the one who would have to look at the green clothes, so it might be more punishment for him than for me since I don't mind them. If he wanted to make it really yucky for me, in terms of clothing colors, he would choose orange. I despise orange clothing!

We used to get online at IRC which is a chat program, in our private channel, twice per day. But since I started teaching it was reduced to once per day and that is pretty much where it stands now. We scene, we talk, we entertain the rare visitor, and we enjoy each other's company nightly in that channel. We also play backgammon (where he beats me in a totally different way) and one day we'll Skype while we are playing so he can teach me how to win. I'm just not as mean as he is, so he always eats my dots and I feel sorry for him and don't!

If I leave to go anywhere, I message to tell him so. If I'm gone more than an hour, I message during the time I'm gone as well, unless it is a situation where I cannot, like a job interview. I message to tell him when I return home. We tease, we flirt, we laugh, we just send boring messages, we...well, we live as a couple who text often when they are apart.

When I am online, I wear a small metal plug with a jeweled end, which he calls the jewel. I wear my slave number on my body all the time. I *was* wearing my collar at home all the time, but since he prefers a true dog's collar over any other type, it could have become embarrassing if I had opened the door wearing it or gone to town with it on. I did, once, and he happened to ask if I had taken it off - I got the message while I was on the way to town so I was grateful, believe me! So now I only wear it if he tells me to.

My rules are ... I won't say easy to follow, but I will say that they are designed to suit me and my lifestyle very well. They are intrusive enough into my daily life to keep him uppermost in my mind, but not so intrusive that I am in danger of discovery or cannot function as woman, mother, employee, friend, daughter. They are specific to me, except the "no cumming without permission" rule. He is the ruler of my pleasure, as he has been every slave he has ever owned. My rules have come about as he has gotten to know me and to understand my life, my routine, my circumstances. They change as he sees fit, as my life, routine, and circumstances change. Our relationship, like any successful relationship, is fluid within its structure of M/s.

I have asked him to hold me accountable for diet or exercise, but he has chosen not to go that route. I'm not totally sure why, even though I know it's a major responsibility when he cannot be here. I also should be able to do these things freely - to offer what I know would please him tremendously. But some things....for some reason....that is not enough of a motivation. That is hard to admit, of course, especially publicly. But it is what it is, and I cannot seem to make it change. If he were here, or I were there, it would be different I think. With circumstances being what they are, it is not different. That is why I asked to be held accountable. I don't like the idea of being punished for not exercising, but since his pleasure (positive reinforcement) doesn't seem to motivate me, then it may take punishment to do so. Maybe I could ask about using our "punishment jar" on my own, if I don't exercise a certain number of days per week. Self-punishment? But I could not do so without his permission, and it would also keep him from having to micromanage my exercise from an ocean away, so....I don't know, maybe it is worth thinking about, offering as an option when I bring it up again. We'll see.

The punishment jar is really a box now. It holds several punishments that Padrone and I thought of together (mostly him, I'm not good at thinking of punishments). They are specific to me, and would probably not work well for others. And I've never actually had to use them, thank God, but how it works is this: If I do something he deems punishable with a more serious punishment than writing lines or wearing green, then I am to pick a punishment from the box at random (they are folded so I cannot tell which is which). They are fairly equal in severity but are different in form. For instance, there is physical punishment (bread and water for dinner type things), mental punishment (BOREDOM), and emotional punishment (humiliating tasks). Since I would not know which I am picking from the box, and neither would he of course, it is one of those situations where he has already done the work of thinking of punishments, and I have no reason to feel resentment or anything because of the punishment itself. He doesn't have to try to balance severity of offense with severity of punishment, it is already done because he would only use that method for the most severe of infractions. Since I work hard at being respectful and rarely even contemplate deliberate disobedience, those punishments will hopefully remain in their box! And btw, that is why I have been thinking of asking for accountability with exercising again - because if it is a rule, then I will do all I can not to disobey. Sometimes offering is not enough.

The rest of my days are typically boring and peaceful lately. Chores, laundry, cooking more healthy dinners, reading, long baths, and talking with family make up the majority of my days that aren't focused on Padrone. And it is that focus on him that allows us to have what we have, and to be happy with one another for as long as we have been. It hasn't always been that way, of course. We have had our fair share of growing pains, of fussing and arguing, of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. But at the end of the day, we love each other and choose to spend our time with each other as much as possible, rather than totally apart simply because we don't live together.

So, I'm not sure how well I have put some of these things, or how well they will be received by the only one who matters. I'll find that out in a few minutes!

Padrone, a lot of what I typed here isn't new, but the reason for typing it this way is, I think. I feel as if revealing things here will open myself up to you even more than I already am, and by typing things that aren't necessarily all positive, I am being publicly more vulnerable and intimate. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I am only trying to explain things that are in my heart and mind, which is not always clear as well you know! I just know that it feels right, Padrone, and I hope you understand and approve. I love you, il Padrone mio, with all that I am. Bacio.

Back in the Saddle, Thank Goodness!

Finally I am back online, back from vacations, and once more poised and enthused about a job search. Unfortunately, this enthusiasm happens to be during a holiday week. For those of you in the US, you understand that means that very few administrators and even fewer district office personnel will be in their offices in the first place. Interviews and hiring will likely be way down on the bottom of their priority list, I'm sure.

But due to a Facebook group I belong to (fans of Alabama football), I have made a connection with the headmaster of a private school in Alabama who is looking for a teacher to teach both History (Social Studies) and English/Language Arts. She's also looking for a girls' sports coach and while I might be able to coach softball, I know absolutely NOTHING about basketball or volleyball, so she'll have to hire a part time coach if she hires me. Apparently the only other viable candidate would require the same, but s/he isn't even qualified to teach ELA so that might give me a bit of an edge. We'll see.

I spent a few days at the beach again this year. Oh man, I am SO ready to go back! We sat on the deck of our house and watched the dolphins play most mornings! And went to the zoo and played goofy golf, cooked for the entire crew one evening, swam and floated on "boogie boards", went shopping LATE one evening at the cheesy tourist trap shops, and in general had a wonderful time. Daughter wants us and two of her friends to go back one weekend in August! Wouldn't that be fun? I haven't yet mentioned it to Padrone, except here of course. :D

And that leads me to the other part of the reason I haven't been here recently. My internet has been out for several weeks, while I was disconnected quite suddenly by my previous provider who chose not to support my type of internet anymore. I researched and chose another provider, and it was installed yesterday! It's fast, and although it is limited in data transfer amounts, there is a "free download zone" each night from midnight - 5 am. I'll use the heck out of it if I can figure out how to schedule downloads!

So we've had Voxer and email, pretty much. To Skype I have had to go to town and we've done that now and then but the contact has been very limited for pretty much the entire month of June. Lordy I missed that man! It also made me a bit forgetful, and I have written probably 1,000 lines lately for missing messages or emails. The messages are probably the most difficult, because we will have conversations via Voxer, and when I think of messaging I just remember our conversations and smile and don't realize how much time has passed since the last message, and so I miss them. That isn't the only reason, of course, since I get involved with a book or something and don't notice the time passing often. So, I have to refocus and do so quickly so my line-writing is put to an end soon!

And I am trying very hard to organize my house the way I want it since the kids have (pretty much) moved out. I am finally converting the school room into a laundry room of sorts (can't move washer/dryer without major renovations, so I'm just setting up a folding/hanging/ironing area). I'm making the back unused bathroom into a storage area for holiday decorations. The bedroom attached to it will be a guest room as well as my "office/reading room". The front bedroom will be another guest bedroom, and will also house the things for my classroom during the summers, as well as a "craft area" with my sewing stuff and other various and sundry project items available. I haven't crafted in a long time, because of the space demands required, but now I'll have space!

And I started all this organization yesterday by decluttering my dining room. It looks soooooooo good! The next room I'll attack will be the school room, so that I can start using it for its intended purposes soon. I had cleaned out the back bedroom, but I was going about things backwards, and thinking of comfort before utility. I NEED the laundry space; I don't NEED the guest bedroom/office/reading room just now.

So, it's been a busy but pleasant summer so far. I feel better physically and will continue to feel better as the levels of required nutrients in my body continues to rise. The only bad part of the summer is that I haven't found a job yet. It's a bit worrisome in general, and I tend to get a bit down about it at times, but overall I do realize that many districts go on a major hiring spree in July. So, we'll see.

I am SO glad to have internet back so Padrone and I can refocus on each other and the D/s dynamic. He has missed it too, I know. I'm just hopeful that Skype will work on this connection and we can use it now and then from home! Mmmmmmm....sounds amazing! I know he'll have me suffer for him soon, and the surrender and control will be firmly refocused, and the peace and joy will spread through my heart and mind in the beautiful way that only D/s can do. It is such a beautiful thing to give all I have, all I am, to my Padrone, and to know that he loves what I give and will take care of me when I am at my most vulnerable. That, to me, is what trust in a relationship is all about.

Padrone, I am so glad we are back in regular, consistent contact once more. I missed this with you, more than I can say. Even now, just blogging because I know you enjoy my blog posts, is putting my mind at ease and giving me a calm, peaceful feeling that I only get through submission - submitting the way you enjoy so well, by offering what I know pleases you even if it is not technically required of me. I am smiling as I imagine you reading this and smiling yourself. I am so glad, so very grateful, to be yours, my Padrone.

The Dreaded Vacations!

I've been thinking lately, go figure. It's been good thinking, though. :)

Padrone is on vacation, reluctantly. I am laughing as I type that since he is a major homebody and even being offered a free vacation to the beautiful Italian mountains was not enticing for him! He will enjoy it far more than he thinks, but of course after raising such a ruckus about it (with me, not with the generous offerers), he'll complain a bit when he gets home - lol.

I am so glad he is on vacation. Not that I want to have such limited contact with him, but I do know that changing scenery can often be a nice shot in the arm, even for people as even-keeled as Padrone. And even though all the fresh air and GREEN may choke and blind him, it's my firm belief that he'll come home rested mentally and physically, and be quite glad he went.

Of course, I could be wrong, and he could be glad to get home to bricks and fog, but hey, I've been wrong before!

I plan to go visit my parents this week while he is gone, so our crazy schedules will have a shorter effect than if we went at different times. The problem right now is that due to a miscommunication with my doctor's office and pharmacy, I was off of some of the medicines that have helped me so tremendously since I started taking them. It is taking a bit of time for me to get them back into my system, and I keep yawning and yawning and feeling the incredible lethargy I felt for so long. A month isn't long enough for them to be in my system fully enough that taking almost a week of won't make me start over again - or feel like it anyway.

So I may wait until Tuesday before I go. My mom wants me to help her move some books from storage into her house, and as a reward I can get some books she has already read! Yay! And since Padrone so graciously granted permission for me to go on my own "free" beach vacation, I have my entertainment already lined up! What can I say, I am amazingly low-maintenance!

And what I've been thinking about lately is the fact that Padrone and I have been together for 8 years now. 8 years. We have been through some terrible times, and some joyous times as well. I have literally fallen apart several times, and if it weren't for Padrone to hold me together, I would probably have given up altogether a long time ago.

I give Padrone what he needs as well. He hasn't fallen apart or anything, but I have made his life better, and have made him so incredibly happy. Even my silliness offers him a means to exert his control and to lead and guide me, and for me to show the adoration I feel for him - all of which he needs. He loves obedience and the overt expression of his control. We fit so beautifully together, and I love it. I love him.

So, Padrone, while you breathe the toxic fresh air and take in the noxious green color of nature, just know that your slave, your schiava, adores you with all she is and can't wait to tease you more about your hated vacation! My Padrone, I am so GLAD to be yours!

Beating the Drum

I was thinking of my students today, on the last day of school with them. I have been hugged, received hand-written notes, and given sweet little gifts for a couple of weeks, as my leaving hit them in waves and at different times. Each of them dealt with the future without me in their lives in totally different ways. The tough boy who gave me hell at the first of the year literally clung to me - literally - and cried when he said goodbye. Some tended to ignore it until their last day then they hugged and got emotional, showing it in vastly different ways. One gave me a rose and kissed my cheek (he's 10 years old, get your mind outta the gutter!). One wouldn't look at me at all. One gave me the "gift" of good behavior for an entire class period! One gave me a picture every day for several days. So many ways to let me know that I have made an impact in their young lives, each one as unique as the child who offered it.

Each one as unique as my relationship with the young person himself.

My students often march to the beat of different drummers, and while I am sometimes able to lead them in a melodious tune, pleasing to those who judged us based on their behaviors, often I was simply the ineffective conductor futilely trying to get off-key instruments to find any tune at all. They each have their own sets of challenges, of circumstances, and of abilities - and there are some things which will not change no matter how much I would love to change it for them. But after all, who am *I* to make those decisions for them? They have parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters - loved ones who raise them the best they can, given their knowledge, finances, and belief systems.

And so, while I would make different choices for them if I were the one who controlled their lives, it is ultimately none of my business how they live, as long as they are in school and striving to learn the academics which it is my job to teach.

Some of my kids will grow up to live on welfare. That is not a judgment, it is a very realistic expectation based upon their abilities and the values that have been taught to them. Several of them will grow up to have nice productive lives with jobs that enable them to have a decent living. Some will get a 2 year degree or vocational trade training, and one or two may even graduate from a 4 year degree. It will depend upon choices they make, options they see, and belief in themselves and their abilities. I have done all I could in this one year to be able to show them possibilities rather than hindrances, but now the baton has passed to other teachers. I hope they don't drop it and allow the circle of dependence to continue, at least for those who have the ability to go beyond what they have ever dreamed they could do.

But all I could do during the time they were mine is to love them, correct them, and believe in them. Now I will remember them and pray for them with fondness.

But what really struck me today was how easy it is to accept that each of my students marches to their own drummer, and to relate to each individual student in unique ways. I believe with all my heart that it is that ability to accept and adjust that has allowed me to be the slave I am to Padrone, even though we have never met physically. See, touch is nice, but it is simply touch. Intimacy is far more wonderful than a physical touch, and can be gained in so many ways that have nothing to do with physicality. I became, for several months, one of the most important people in my students' lives simply because I loved them and opened my heart and mind to them. I do the same, on a much deeper level of course, with Padrone. So our drumbeat is a bit different from that of a "typical" relationship. Whatever our beat is, it makes me happier than I have ever been in my life.

Padrone, one more time (I hope) for the job hunt. Thank you for being so incredibly understanding of all that goes on here. Your support has led me to believe even more fully in myself, and has eased a lot of the worry that has always been such an intrinsic part of my life. No matter how I long to be with you physically, I would never trade what we have together for any physical relationship! I am yours, no matter the geographical circumstances, my heart, mind, and body are totally and forever yours. I adore you with all that I am, my Padrone, and all that I will become. Simply and wonderfully yours.

Yesterday's Post

****I wrote this yesterday but my internet failed me and I had to wait until now to post.****

Just spent a wonderful day with my adult children. It was so nice - the first I have shared with both of them in quite some time. Daughter had to work but son and I went to eat so she could wait on us (lucky her). But it wasn't long until she came home and we hung pictures and laughed and talked and just had a wonderful time! I left earlier than I might have otherwise, but she had friends coming over and he had plans with a girl he's "talking to", and it must be just about a real relationship (as opposed to a fantasy one, I guess) because he actually told me about her - lol.

So only one more week of work, and 1.6 more days of school with the kids. I'm ready for it to be finished, so I can rest, relax, and enjoy my summer off! I am truly enjoying being a teacher. I love seeing the students where they are now, and realizing where they came from, and accepting that at least a large portion of their growth has come about as a result of my influence upon them. It is an absolutely wonderful feeling, and so fulfilling. It was worth waiting all these years to experience, for sure.

So I haven't had a chance to talk with Padrone today other than a few voxer messages and I miss him. But now that we've been together almost 8 years I think missing seeing each other is not the end of the world. :) He'll be going out of town soon, and I'll be going to my parents' while he is gone so our crazy schedules will be crazy within the same time frame. Then I wait to see if I'll be allowed to go to the beach again this year or not. I loved the beach itself last year, but being confined and expected to spend so much time with a big group of people is not my idea of fun. I love these people, but didn't know how to say no when I didn't want to do stuff. That means, of course, that I either spend a lot of time alone or doing stuff I don't particularly care to do. Oh well, it's my own problem, and one that I hope to discuss with the matriarch of the family if Padrone allows me to go!

Padrone put the punishment back into our relationship after I begged for it, as I mentioned a few weeks ago. Last week he reinstated the "punishment jar" idea (but mine is in a jewelry box). He came up with several punishments with different focuses - mental, physical, humiliation - and I wrote them down on small slips of paper and put them in the box. When I need to be punished above the "smaller" punishments, what I will do is to pick one from the box and then do whatever it says. They are NOT easy to do, in any way, which is the definition of punishment in the first place. They are also a very real deterrent and preventive measure, because they are in my mind and the box is a physical reminder of the consequences of disobedience. I hate being punished even more than Padrone hates punishing me, so it is my hope that I never mess up badly enough to have to suffer those particular consequences.

Padrone, I am so grateful for your control, even when you don't feel it overtly. Our conversation about that is still in the fertile recesses of my mind, and I'm sure there will be a blog post about it sooner or later. Thank you for all you do, to me, for me, with me. You are so special, Padrone, and I am one incredibly lucky and blessed woman, happier than I have ever been in my life. I love you, and I am so totally, amazingly, yours.

Finally Made It!!!

I felt Padrone's immense pride and love for me full force yesterday. It was such a wonderful, beautiful feeling, and I was so at peace with myself, with him, with us, with life. I finally graduated yesterday with my Masters in Education! It was such a long time coming but I think that made it more worthwhile. I enjoyed my graduation day, and Padrone was able to watch me walk across the stage via online streaming, which made it even *more* special! My kids were there too, so my day was complete.

I am still job hunting again, but have had a couple of interviews so far. I still have to send applications all over the place, as usual, but it will be incredibly nice to send them with my education updated to "M.Ed."!

I'll find the right place for me, eventually. I'm not the kind of person for whom geography is all-important when it comes to commuting to and from a job. So that frees me up a bit in terms of where I am looking. I don't mind driving a half an hour, or 45 minutes to a job, or even an hour if the job is a good fit for me. I'm not too awfully concerned about it this year, for some reason.

After graduation, daughter and I went to Olive Garden and it was PACKED, but we had the best time! We laughed until we cried, and got some pics to put on Facebook so family and friends can be jealous! Son had to leave after I walked the stage so he would not be late for work since the traffic was horrendous of course!

One highlight of my day yesterday - we were in line, waiting to walk in for the ceremony, and we were chit chatting about where we were all from, etc. The woman in front of me, getting her Masters in Social Work, said "I'm from (incredibly small redneck town)and my boob is vibrating!" It took us a shocked moment to realize she had her phone in her bra!!!!

On to health news. I can't remember, and I'm too lazy to go back and check to see if I have talked about some of the "new" issues going on with me. But the last time I went to the doctor she told me she was going to run a ton of blood tests to check for just about everything. And come to find out, most of what she checked needed correcting. So I am currently taking iron tablets, B12, Synthroid for low thyroid functioning, and D3 for "pathetically low" Vitamin D levels. I was a bit surprised by that, because I live in "the tropics" as Padrone says, and while I don't drink milk, I would have thought the amount of sunshine I am exposed to daily would be enough to keep my levels up. But apparently not, and when I googled Vitamin D deficiency it was almost eerie because I had every single one of the symptoms, but attributed all of them to getting older. Even all the kidney issues I have had could be due to low VitD levels, which would be absolutely wonderful if true!

So I'll likely be on Synthroid or another thyroid medication for the rest of my life. That's alright if it helps me feel better! And I do feel better, overall. I'm more able to think clearly, and to recover when something I do requires a major amount of focus. There have been times when I have come home from work, or stopped working on my portfolio, or even after an intense scene with Padrone and I literally had to go lie down because the mental effort was physically exhausting. I thought it was stress, and I am still sure stress plays a part in it of course, but the foggy thinking has cleared for the most part, and my "sassiness" is coming back and I'm glad of those two things more than anything else.

So, other than the lovely notes my students are leaving on my boards telling me how much they will miss me, and the notes they are writing on paper that I am keeping as treasured memories of my "kids", school is going well. There are only 7 more days in the school year, and an additional 3 professional development days after that, so I have two weeks of school left until I am out for the summer! This week we have 3 days of state testing, however, so the kids cannot cruise on outta there just yet. Once they have finished the state testing, it won't matter if they return or not (the Sped kids who are self-contained) as we have already given 9 weeks tests and there will be very little for them to do, other than to help me pack and clean the room! Believe it or not, my kids LOVE doing stuff like that, and have even offered to come on the weekends if I need for them to! They are some absolutely wonderful kids, or some of them are. Some are great kids with severe behavior issues that make them more difficult to love. I know we're supposed to separate the behavior from the kid, but with some of them it is more difficult to do than with others. Just like adults.

And that brings me to another topic, one that is close to my heart. I hear often about being non-judgmental. I hear it touted as the "only" way to teach, to reach students, to relate to adults, to live life successfully. Frankly, I believe it is an absolute impossibility, and refuse to feel guilty if I make judgments about others.

See, we *all* judge, but we don't all *act* on those judgments. Even my daughter, who is probably the person who would reflect the least judgment of anyone you would ever meet in your life, agrees with me. Even she judges, she says, but she tries very hard not to act in a judgmental manner. It is as Padrone has always told me, our behavior that others see and will react to, not our feelings.

So in my teaching, I try hard to hug even the most problematic kid, and to smile at the one who likely got me into more trouble by HIS behavior than any other student in my classes, and to "hang out" at the desk of the shy quiet kids who need a bit of extra attention, and to compliment the students who are motivated to push themselves harder than they ever have, and...well, you get the idea. I love all my kids, but there are a few whose behaviors drive me absolutely insane and I honestly wish they were not in my class. And yes, they know that I don't like their behaviors, but they do NOT know that I wish they were not in my class. And I am always quite careful to make sure they know that I love THEM even if I don't like their behaviors!

Call me judgmental if you want to. :)

Padrone, thank you for all you have done to enable me to get my Masters. I would never have even begun the process without your urging me to do so in the first place. So long ago ... getting my teachers license ... I was terrified, nervous, scared to fail, and totally overwhelmed. Such a shoulder you offered me even though you knew nothing about the topics I was stressed about, you were able to help me see the forest for the trees and focus on the big picture instead of getting caught up in minutiae. Since then, all the upsets, the tears, the struggles would likely have stopped the process entirely if it had not been for you. Tears are streaming down my face now as I strive to find the words to tell you just how large a part of my successes you have played, because while I know you realize you have been a major influence, I don't think you realize that you were often the only reason I persevered.

Hearing your pride, feeling the love and pride from you yesterday and even still today, has made it all worthwhile. That, my love, is my greatest reward. Thank you, my Padrone. I am yours.

Long Distance Life

I miss that man so much lately!

Everything is fine between us, and frankly we've been talking as much as usual, but I miss what I have never had with him - physical touch. I don't often crave it like I have lately, but since we have been so emotionally close, it has almost automatically transcended into the desire for physical closeness. I tell him how much I would love to touch him often, but more often it doesn't even need to be said. It simply is.

And of course when life gets in the way and we cannot talk as usual, it makes me miss him even more!

I don't have a lot to write today, about D/s I mean. It is, it fulfills, it satisfies us as it always has - long distance or not. Long distance is not easy, by any means, but it is extremely possible and worthwhile with the right people committed to each other enough to do what it takes to make it work. I am devoutly grateful that Padrone has shown his commitment repeatedly, and that he sees mine equally as often. We are balanced in need, commitment, desires and kinkiness, which is probably one of the most important factors in our successful relationship. Let's' face it, if we had not been so balanced (or at least been able to find and maintain that balance) then there is no way we could have stayed together as long as we have! It is almost 8 years that I have worn this man's collar, and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. That is saying something, considering we have never even met!

I took the day off work today to go job hunting. I graduate a week from tomorrow, and I am SOOOOOOOOO excited! I feel as if I have been working towards this day for longer than the 3 years it has taken for me to get here, but once I get that degree (and the raise), it will be totally worth it all!

I feel a lot more optimistic and confident about being hired again next year now that I actually talked with some people. I've reached the point that I'm not going to beg for a job, but I'll do my best to be hired. I've learned a lot about what type of school fits with how I teach, and it is vitally important that I find a good fit. My casual, cooperative learning, small group, borderline chaotic methods do not fit with the high-discipline, almost militaristic attitude of the current administration where I teach. So life goes on, job hunt moves forward!

And, I have also been diagnosed with low everything, it seems. I have low iron, B12, thyroid function and Vitamin D levels. So I've started supplements and will hopefully begin B12 shots tomorrow too, and synthroid as well. The thyroid thing runs in my family so I wasn't so surprised by that. I was, however, surprised by the rest. But it should not be very long until I feel much better and can stay up past 7:30 pm! (actually not joking)

Padrone, you incredible loving man, all I can say is that I am the luckiest girl in the whole USA (old song, sorry. Daughter hates when I turn everything into a song, but guess who does it herself now? Muahaahaaa). Yes, I'm rambling. Yes, I can hear you laughing. :)

I am all yours, silliness and all, you lucky man you!!!

Short and Simple

I am officially job hunting again.

It's hard not to be a bit down about it, but if there isn't a good fit between teacher and administration, something has to change. I'm learning that I'm a far more easygoing teacher than I thought I would be, and honestly if I could simply get away with a lot of reading to fulfill requirements, that is what I would do! And I may, depending on the school where I end up. I believe that well-written books (key words well-written) can be used to teach so many aspects of our language, culture, geography, history, and more science than one might imagine, and it is a shame that we have categorized so much of our teaching into "subject-shaped boxes". To me, that is a huge shame, because I believe that students can learn about life situations and how to apply what they learn to all aspects of their lives by generalization rather than by learning in Language Arts what a noun is, in Social Studies which explorer when where, in science about the solar system, etc. Why not use a book such as The Witch of Blackbird Pond and teach exploration, colonial history, astrology and solar system, AND parts of speech all using one resource? Students can quite easily understand how things fit together in life that way, and their generalization skills would benefit them throughout their education!

Alright, I'm off my soapbox now.

This school was not designed for the type of teacher that I am, I have learned. I am the teacher with bean bags and a reading corner complete with overflowing bookcase and rug for comfort. I have a myriad of puzzles and Legos to stimulate cognitive functioning. I have word games that the students love to do. I purchased a hub so that my students could have internet access at sites allowed by the district's filters. I made a "dice" to have a "life sized board game". I was the first to have my students do commercials when they learned about tools of persuasion. I am the teacher that laughs at myself so students might learn that life can be fun even if they are "different". And I am the teacher whose heart will break when it comes time to say goodbye to this particular bunch of kids.

Because leave I must. I don't teach students sitting in rows, silent like robots with worksheets and pencils in their hands. I cannot and will not teach that way.

It's been a long, emotional time lately. And I feel as if I have neglected Padrone immensely. It's always something.

On a positive note, my portfolio is finished as far as I am concerned. I have heard from my supervising professor and she said that except for "minor tweaks" I'm finished, but I haven't yet heard what she feels needs to be "tweaked". Because of that, and the fact that it is time to turn it in, I am saying I'm finished. What an incredible feeling! I KNOW I passed it this time. It is just a FAR better example of what I can do, know, and believe than the last one was - but this time I had support and supervision. Guess what. I NEED that as a student, go figure!

But it would still be in my head if Padrone hadn't made the website for me!

Needless to say there hasn't been a lot of overtly D/s stuff going on lately. Padrone even gave me a wonderful gift last weekend - of relaxation and not thinking about being used. It was truly wonderful, I admit, and I am a supremely blessed woman. I am so grateful for all your gifts, Padrone, but that one was incredibly special to me and the gratitude is still deep and strong even if I haven't mentioned it much this week. Thank you for taking care of your schiava, il Padrone mio, in so many, many ways. I am wonderfully, proudly, gratefully yours.

Spring Break, Continued, and Extras

So it's been a couple of weeks since Spring Break, and although I had planned to type a second installment of my Spring Break week, I think I'll incorporate it with the rest of what I planned to talk about today.

First school. I am down to the wire on my portfolio, but I don't have much more to do than to update the reflections and put everything in the exact order in which it will be turned in. Padrone is going to put it all on a website for me, like he did the first one, so I plan to get it sent to him in stages. My hope is to have it done no later than next Sunday so that it can be reviewed and edited by my professor before final submission. I graduate on May 10, if I pass my portfolio this time.

And yes, I did spend quite a bit of time over Spring Break working on the portfolio. I didn't think about work at all, which was a major relief and much needed. It was a wonderful break, filled with surrender, submission, Padrone, and taking care of myself. So I did indeed go back to work well rested, physically and emotionally.

I've been dealing with the administrator again, in small ways mostly but it is wearing on me, I admit. But I have slowly, too slowly, come to realize that what I have known about myself for a long time is also true of others. Yes, I know I can be a bit slow. But I fall into the submissive..."doormat"....mode when I am treated disrespectfully. I go back into the old me, the one who could not bear to stir the waters because of the possibility of conflict. Conflict has never turned out well for me, historically, and while I know our pasts do not define who we are now, the past *does* influence our reactions and unconscious expectations in the present.

So I've finally realized, today as a matter of fact, that if others treat me disrespectfully, it is a reflection of who they are rather than who I am. I have always realized it from the flip side - that my respectful treatment of others is simply because of who *I* am. But somehow, giving the same trait to others is not as easy to do. I still try to take responsibility for how others treat me, as well as how I treat them. It is so difficult not to, for some reason.

I've been heading to this point for a few days now, but it all kind of culminated into a "light bulb" thought today. Now I think I will be able to deal with her childishness better, without letting it stress me so much.

And I am missing Padrone more and more, when we miss our times together. At least tonight I got to tell him about the April Fool's joke I played on my class, which was fun. Even they appreciated it! I miss him so much lately. It's like half of me is missing. I am so geared towards him, it is almost as if I am addicted to him and need a "fix". I got a tremendous amount of his time and energy over Spring Break, so I am a bit spoiled I admit. The more I have, the more I crave sometimes. After all the years we have been together, it is truly a blessing that I can still say that.

Padrone, I could not be more yours, even though I strive for new ways to show it. I am an incredibly blessed woman, simply because I am yours. Thank you, my Padrone, for loving me, needing me, wanting me as I am, and as I can be. Thank you.

A Few Reflections

So much to say, not all of it what I'd like to be saying.

I did not pass my comps, so I did not graduate in December as planned. I have a 4.0 gpa and did not pass my comps, which is a cumulative presentation of what I have done in the Masters program, presented in such a way as to show our mastery of the Standards for Sped teachers as set forth by the Council for Exceptional Children. For some Standards, apparently I did not have enough "artifacts" as proof of my mastery. I'm really quite angry about this, because I honestly feel that the real reason I did not pass is because I "had words" with one of the professors. I knew then that I would not pass, although nobody believed me and thought I was fishing for compliments or something every time I mentioned the possibility of not passing. So yes, I am quite frustrated about that. I do have the option of redoing the work on it, and I can graduate in May if they deign to pass me this time. We'll see.

My son called a few minutes ago and he has the flu. I am glad that I don't have to go back to work until tomorrow because I can go and "mommy" him today. (or at least get him some medicine and chicken soup!) I'm glad I've already had my flu vaccine though, or I would stay far, far away from him for sure! He gave me swine flu a few years ago, the brat. I am going to insist that he starts to get the flu vaccine himself every year - lol. (Domme Mommy strikes again!)

Since I've been off, Padrone has been quite Domly and it's been nice overall. I do admit that having my ass stuffed while we talk, and before I've had my coffee, is not a very pleasant feeling, but I'm so grateful that he needs for me to feel his control as deeply as I need to feel it. This holiday break was much needed on a lot of levels.

You know, so many people say that teachers have too many days off...that we do little but play and babysit...that we are overpaid and underworked...that we should never say anything negative about our profession because we have summers off. Well, I just realized why teaching is such a tough profession, and it has nothing to do with the kids or the parents or fellow staff or administrators. The reason teaching is so tough is because we are totally, 100% responsible for the children in our classrooms, 100% of the time. We have a planning period, yes, but even that is typically spent in focusing on the children - what to teach, how to maximize learning and minimize difficulties, how to teach, how to reach every student we are responsible for teaching, etc. That heavy weight of responsibility, with no break at all, is why teachers need breaks.

I mean, we don't have one or two children to be responsible for. We have many. We must be accountable for their behavior, their education, their emotional and physical well being. I can't tell you how often I have slipped a kid a dollar that I "found" so they could buy a snack at break because they had no breakfast. I can't tell you the number of times I have hugged and offered tissues to a child who came to school crying from issues at home. I can't tell you the work that I have put into lifting some of the burden for these kids who are often raising themselves because parents are not around for whatever reason.

When my "bad kid" called his mother to ask her to bring a gift for him to exchange at Christmas, and she yelled at him so loudly that I could hear it simply because he had woken her up ... I understood a lot more about his attitude of "I don't care what anyone does to me". His ruling of Opposition Defiant Disorder made perfect sense to me then. And yes, I did come up with a "gift" that he could use to participate in the gift exchange.

These are huge burdens for a teacher to bear for any length of time without a break. We must recharge our batteries, and yes it did take two full weeks for me to do so. I think about how to improve my performance and how to improve my students' education often without even realizing that I am thinking of it. Often my conversations in the evenings with Padrone are filled with not only what happened during the day but also thoughts for improving and changes and ideas and...well, I know that part of it is due to my personality and is not likely to change. But part of it is simply that I can't turn off because I feel the responsibility to teach these students and help them improve their skills dramatically. I'm going back to simple now though - improving reading is far more valuable than other things, no matter what.

So, some changes coming, not the least of it within me. The break has done me a world of good, and I am ready to go back to school a good attitude and eager to see how my kids fared over their own break!

Padrone, I am so grateful that you have shown me such a deep level of control over my break. I needed to feel that containment and the framework again in such a strong and real way. You control me all the time, but when it is so pronounced it becomes almost a living thing between us - intimate and pulsing, strong and driving. I will make a promise to you that I will do all I can to stop bringing so much of my work home with me (mentally if not physically), and focus more and more on you even during my work week. Thank you for the opportunity for affirming whose I am, and who I am, Padrone. You are so good to your slave, and she is forever grateful to you. Io sono la Sua devota schiava, Padrone. Bacio.

Back In the Day

I have been thinking lately about relationships in general. Here in blogland, several blogs that I read have said that they have either dropped their D/s arrangement, or that the D/s element is no longer a part of their relationship at all. I am not sure why I wonder about things like that, but I find even the prospect of that happening incomprehensible.

I find myself thinking about relationships I've known in the past, from my own personal experience or through watching others. One of the most beautiful and remarkable examples of a D/s relationship was my grandparents' relationship. My grandmother was the most submissive woman I have ever met. Never did I ever hear my grandparents openly disagree, although of course there were always "that's just a man" types of jokes. As a matter of fact, I find myself having to restrain myself from making those types of jokes now!

My grandfather was not overtly Dominant, by any means. There was never any doubt who was in charge in the relationship. As a matter of fact, he was respectful of her and her role in their marriage, as far as I knew. He had some disturbing sexual proclivities, as I found to my detriment, but not once did they do or say anything inappropriate to each other in front of me.

My grandmother cooked, cleaned, raised the kids (and grandkids for the most part). She also worked when my grandfather was laid off from his job. He worked out of town and would drive 2 hours early Monday morning, rented an apartment with other men, and they drove home on Friday night. He had a heart attack in his mid 60's, a stroke a few years later, and lost first one leg, then the other to amputation before developing asbestosis and passing away from lung cancer years later. Through all of it, she nursed him and did the best she possibly could through more physical and emotional burdens than any of us may ever understand. There were several years when she dealt with him solely by herself since all 5 of her children lived several states away.

She had her moments when it was even more of a burden than she could possibly handle, of course. She was no saint, nor was he by any means. But he showed her a quiet appreciation for the things she did, and she would do what she was expected to do, but also that she enjoyed doing, for him and for almost everyone around her.

They did not call their relationship D/s by any means. I somehow doubt that she was spanked if she didn't speak in a specific tone of voice, or if she needed time to deal with an emotional argument or a disagreement that she found very emotional. There would have been no "rules" or "punishments" in place, but yes, by the time I realized what I was seeing, they had definite expectations of each other in place and they each tried to please the other.

That, to me, is the definition of D/s.

They would never have defined their relationship as D/s.

A male-Dominant, female submissive marriage is indeed D/s, is it not? You know, we so often get wrapped up with labels and roles and how things are "supposed" to be that we lose who we are in the process. Even if someone makes a choice to be submissive and doesn't feel that they are naturally submissive will likely develop submissive habits as time passes. Habits of defiance and covert rebellion can also develop without care and caution, as well.

I honestly believe that the reason we have had to define so strongly the roles in relationships such as ours, and explore reasons why we identify as we do, and all the analysis that comes with being powerful in jobs yet submissive in relationships stems from the feminist movement. So many of us feel so pressured to do it all, and to have certain expectations of the men in our lives, that we have lost sight of the fact that MANY women are submissive to men simply because they WANT to be. We love for a man to be in charge, to have both authority and responsibility. We enjoy making our man happy and pleasing him in big ways and small. And there are many men who love to feel powerful and responsible and in control. And you know... that is exactly what my grandparents had and the marriage they lived.

Without struggling for identity. Without resentment. Without pettiness or overanalysis. It just was what it was, because that is how THEY were.

And that is what I have finally found with Padrone. Padrone, I am forever grateful for the freedom you have given me to be myself, to learn to please and serve you and make you as happy as you make me. You are incredible, and I am incredibly lucky and blessed to be yours. I love you, my Padrone, more than life itself.

I am, indeed, your forever slave.

Just an Update

Well, finally I'm off for the week of Thanksgiving! It's been a long time coming, it seems. I'm glad for it - it was very much needed.

I've got a lot of thinking to do about something Padrone said last night. I've been reading for pleasure though, and letting thoughts work in the background of my mind, and I'll take them out and consider them when they force the issue, or when I finish my portfolio, whichever comes first. We'll see.

And I'm also cooking Thanksgiving dinner, as usual. Both the kids will be home, as will daughter's boyfriend and maybe another young man who is from Miami and has no family locally. Daughter asked if she could invite him, and I said yes as long as he wears a shirt (he likes tank tops, a lot) - lol.

She also wants us to get matching tattoos in white ink. She suggested hers to be "I love you" in my handwriting, and mine "I love you" in her handwriting. I love the idea, but I haven't even mentioned it to Padrone yet - I guess I have now, haven't I? :D I'm sure we'll talk about it, it's not a huge deal if it never happens, but I am absolutely warmed to the core of my being by her desire for that kind of permanent link with her mom. I really did raise a special little girl, I think.

I'm about to go to finish my book. I can't wait to see how Clark and Ding and the bunch keep Shiva from being spread worldwide!

Padrone, thank you for the book, for letting me sleep late this weekend, for the tightening of the reins a bit, for loving your slave as wonderfully and beautifully as you do. I am forever yours, my love.

Just Being Me

Just merrily floating along in "lala land" here, believe it or not. Today is a much needed "do nothing" day here in all honesty. I'm sure there are things I could be doing, but for once there is nothing that I *should* be doing rather than what I am doing, which is...well...nothing!

It's been a wild and interesting few months, that's for sure. I passed my latest Praxis II with a score of 198/200. That feels good, y'all, especially since I found out on a day when I was feeling stressed and unsure of my abilities. Not my intelligence, but rather my....I don't know how to explain it, why it seems easier for others than for me to be successful in the professional world. It's not, and the easy answer is because I analyze every little thing and wonder and overthink, which can drive me crazy. That's probably all it is, and I see others as more able to let things roll off their backs than I am, and the internalizing is difficult to stop doing. I'm definitely trying, and I believe I am showing a lot of improvement, so hopefully with experience I'll get better and better at doing that.

I'm still taking antibiotics for a kidney infection which seems to like me for some reason. I had an allergic reaction to one antibiotic the other day and ended up in the ER getting shots. I'm fine now, though.

I've been trying to show my submission, and my awareness of Padrone's control, more. It's hard some days because of how busy I am, but I am making a conscious effort to do so, and I think I am doing better anyway. I sure hope so!

In a month and 4 days, IF I get all of my work done satisfactorily that is. I still haven't heard whether or not I have passed my comps, and if I didn't, I'll have to do an oral defense of them. I sure hope they give me plenty of time to prepare if I have to do that! But other than making a poor grade on my first attempted comps (which kind of makes me mad because we were told to turn it in, then she'd offer suggestions for improvements, so we were basically graded on rough drafts), I've done pretty well. There are still several assignments ungraded though, so who knows? But as long as I make a C in the course, AND pass my comps, I'll be graduating on December 14. Seems a long way away.

But this weekend I have a guilt-free weekend. I do have work I could be doing, for school - that's a given. I have a portfolio due in a couple of weeks and several quizzes for another class that I could be doing, but I've been behind for so long that being caught up feels like being ahead of the game. I'm not complaining for sure.

It's been so much fun being Padrone's through all of this too, of course. He's not only supportive, but appreciative of my efforts to be more expressive in my submission. He lets me know so often, and that fuels my efforts even more as expected. But it isn't posed or fake - it is just who we are.

Padrone, Thank you for letting me sleep late this morning, and for being as wonderful as you are about my day off today. Your use last weekend was amazing, the scenes since then have been powerful and intense, and you, my Padrone, are the perfect Master for this slave. Thank you, for being such a genuinely good man, and such a balanced and loving Padrone. I am grateful for you, for being yours, and for knowing that I make you happy.

Teacher schiava

Well, school (school/school, not work/school) begins once more on Monday. Technically the semester began this week, but the one class that I am taking that will meet on a regular basis begins on Monday. So, the madness soon begins again!

And yes, this will be an incredibly busy semester, with written comps, requirements for two courses, a comprehensive portfolio, AND a 10 page philosophy of education specifically pertaining to teaching students with mild/moderate disabilities all due before November 26. Well, one of the courses may have things due after that date, I don't remember, but by that time I will feel as if I am coasting so I'll either procrastinate dramatically or breeze through the remaining assignments.

Work/school has been interesting and quite challenging on a lot of levels this year so far. I'm learning a LOT, and trying very hard to work on my own discipline issues to try to create a more disciplined environment for my students. It's a challenge, because I am more spontaneous than structured when it comes to my teaching techniques, but I *have* to add structure and learn to be spontaneous within that structure. It boils down to planning, and I admit that is my biggest weakness with this class, ONLY because of the extremes in abilities of my students and the multitude of individual goals that I *have* to teach because of what is written in their IEP. I hope that when my turn comes to write the IEPs for these students that I can write some that are more generalized but allow for specificity for each student's needs. That will make planning *what* to teach far less complicated, even if the *how* to teach it may still be challenging.

Padrone has been dealing with yet another extreme heat wave. The heat, along with other issues going on where he lives, has made his summer "interesting" as he says. Yet he still finds time to spoil his slave with his attentiveness and his guidance ... keeping me on course, helping me to keep my priorities straight, especially after a difficult day at work when he discreetly changes subjects from them to other aspects of our lives. He reminds me to take my medicine. He reminds me to take care of myself. He has me wear the rope to keep my mindset where it should be. He listens and offers suggestions with my kids because it helps me so much to hear another perspective, especially one that is supremely objective. He shares what is going on in his life. He offers funny and the upsetting. He is the most sane and stable thing in my life, and I am more than blessed to have him in my life.

In other news, I am keeping a very keen eye on the Tropical Storm heading into the Gulf in the next few days. We're in "the cone" but as of right now it seems to be headed east of us - or the eye at least. We'll likely still get wind and rain because it's a pretty darn big storm! And what has a few people a bit unsettled is that it is predicted to affect us on the anniversary of Katrina, which affected us severely. So there is a sense of unease about this storm, because even Katrina wasn't supposed to hit us until the last couple of days before landfall. So yes, I have an eye on the tropics right now!

I'll recount a couple of truly hilarious things that have happened in my classroom within the last week. First, I was playing some music in the background while they worked on their "avatars" for the reading incentive bulletin board (monkeys they colored with markers - for each book they read and pass the Accelerated Reader test for, they will get a banana, which creates a very visual record of progress for the visual learners), and they were truly enjoying it. As each of them finished their monkeys, I let them get up and dance if they wished. Soon we were *all* dancing! Here is the song that was playing at the moment in time when the principal walked in with the internet techie guy, and saw the entire classroom dancing and ACTING like the monkeys were had just DECORATED!!!:::



I let them finish dancing, then move on to coloring bananas. I told the principal that he caught us having fun! He said "It's all good!" and I truly think he was a bit taken aback, but happy to see the kids enjoying themselves and not just stuck in their desks doing worksheets or listening to me drone on about synonyms or plant cells!

So, it was a couple of days later when he came to my classroom to do an observation of me. I was actually *teaching* that time, reading aloud from the reader to the class and stopping to ask questions to ensure comprehension. Then I reviewed what it means to summarize (my example was that when they were asked "how was school?" when they got home, they didn't tell every single word that was spoken or what they did in the bathroom...the "summarized" their day....the kids seemed to get it using that analogy), and I asked for volunteers to summarize the story we had just read. So a few of them summarized, and we talked about how they chose what to say to summarize the plot of the story, and that led into a discussion of the main idea. (I know it's backwards to some people, but it made sense to me to start from the general and move to the specific, especially since so many of my students have language impairments). Anyway, I have a leader of the day, and the leader is the one who passes papers out, etc...and when I was ready to pass a worksheet out, I called on the leader who got up to pass them out and...lo and behold the kid had taken his SHOES OFF!!!! And another kid had too!!!! And they have NEVER taken their shoes off in class, so what on EARTH possessed them to do so when the principal was in there, I have no clue!!! I was truly mortified, and yet the only comment he made in his email was to make sure that I continue procedures in the classroom - lol. It was funny, once I got home!

And the last story is about a "living plant cell" the kids created. That day there were several absences, and so it was easier to do something like this without leaving kids out. I needed 7 volunteers, and one girl didn't feel well and one boy had acted out and was not allowed to participate, so I had my 7 automatically. One was the "brain" of the cell (nucleus). One was the "green stuff" (chlorophyll), one held the green stuff (chloroplast), one was the energy (mitochondrian), one was the big empty space that filled up with food and water and waste (vacuole), one was the cell membrane that kept all the parts of the cell inside, and one was the "tough guy" (cell wall). Oh lordy I laughed until I cried at those kids acting that out! I wish I could have recorded it, it was truly hilarious, and yet they learned the actions of the cell parts, if not the names. I'll have to figure out something else to do for the names. Any ideas?

So you got a glimpse of my classroom...the good and the bad, but not the ugly. I haven't mentioned the power struggles, the rebellion, the thrown backpacks due to not getting their way, the fact that one student is already in ISS, three have already been paddled (one has been paddled twice), and the "almost fights" that i break up before someone gets hurt, and the fact that I have been told to handle all of this in the classroom and not write up students for the first nine weeks of school because the grade level principal doesn't have time to deal with them and it won't do any good to write them up. I haven't talked about the emotionally disturbed students who don't consistently take their medication because the parents aren't usually awake to make sure they take it and 10 year old boys won't always remember to take medication on their own. I haven't mentioned the student who burst into tears when I added extra homework because the class can't walk from one place to another in a straight line without talking, because he has nobody at home to help him with homework because his mother refuses to since "she ain't the one in school". It is because of those students, with those issues, that I try to create an environment for my students that allows them to feel safe and accepted, even if their behavior isn't always accepted.

And the first lesson Padrone ever taught me, that changed my own life forever, is one that I daily reinforce to my students in one way or another:

How you feel doesn't get you into trouble. How you ACT does.

If I can teach these students anything at all this year, I hope it is that self control is extremely valuable and will benefit them in every area of their life. I do not expect them to go from acting solely on impulse and emotions, to perfect self control in the matter of a few months - that would be crazy. But if I can plant that particular seed, and water it and feed it, then maybe I can also see it take root and grow just a bit in their hearts and minds and behavior.

I've rambled, I know, and yet I won't apologize for it this time. I am extremely passionate about teaching, and it is bound to show in my blog as it does in every other area of my life. I truly need to figure out how to organize my thoughts and my planning and my physical area, as well as my own schedule and time while at school (planning will help tremendously with that), and I have reached out to experienced teachers for advice as well as teaching blogs and pinterest. It will take a year or two but I will improve and my classes won't suffer for my inexperience as this one may be doing!

Padrone, I have been thinking today how fortunate I am to work in a profession that I love, even on days when I am stressed and feel totally inadequate to the task. And, whether or not you believe this, I would still only be dreaming of teaching, filled with regrets and "what ifs", and living a life of bitterness and sourness if you had not come into my life and encouraged me to follow my dreams. I cannot even begin to imagine life without you, and I feel literally ill when I think of how I would be had I never met you. I am a different (better) person inside, following a totally different path, than I would have ever even had the courage to do, because of you. Words can never say how much you mean to me, Padrone, no matter how hard I try. Thank you, from the bottom of my loving, enslaved heart.