Short and Simple

I am officially job hunting again.

It's hard not to be a bit down about it, but if there isn't a good fit between teacher and administration, something has to change. I'm learning that I'm a far more easygoing teacher than I thought I would be, and honestly if I could simply get away with a lot of reading to fulfill requirements, that is what I would do! And I may, depending on the school where I end up. I believe that well-written books (key words well-written) can be used to teach so many aspects of our language, culture, geography, history, and more science than one might imagine, and it is a shame that we have categorized so much of our teaching into "subject-shaped boxes". To me, that is a huge shame, because I believe that students can learn about life situations and how to apply what they learn to all aspects of their lives by generalization rather than by learning in Language Arts what a noun is, in Social Studies which explorer when where, in science about the solar system, etc. Why not use a book such as The Witch of Blackbird Pond and teach exploration, colonial history, astrology and solar system, AND parts of speech all using one resource? Students can quite easily understand how things fit together in life that way, and their generalization skills would benefit them throughout their education!

Alright, I'm off my soapbox now.

This school was not designed for the type of teacher that I am, I have learned. I am the teacher with bean bags and a reading corner complete with overflowing bookcase and rug for comfort. I have a myriad of puzzles and Legos to stimulate cognitive functioning. I have word games that the students love to do. I purchased a hub so that my students could have internet access at sites allowed by the district's filters. I made a "dice" to have a "life sized board game". I was the first to have my students do commercials when they learned about tools of persuasion. I am the teacher that laughs at myself so students might learn that life can be fun even if they are "different". And I am the teacher whose heart will break when it comes time to say goodbye to this particular bunch of kids.

Because leave I must. I don't teach students sitting in rows, silent like robots with worksheets and pencils in their hands. I cannot and will not teach that way.

It's been a long, emotional time lately. And I feel as if I have neglected Padrone immensely. It's always something.

On a positive note, my portfolio is finished as far as I am concerned. I have heard from my supervising professor and she said that except for "minor tweaks" I'm finished, but I haven't yet heard what she feels needs to be "tweaked". Because of that, and the fact that it is time to turn it in, I am saying I'm finished. What an incredible feeling! I KNOW I passed it this time. It is just a FAR better example of what I can do, know, and believe than the last one was - but this time I had support and supervision. Guess what. I NEED that as a student, go figure!

But it would still be in my head if Padrone hadn't made the website for me!

Needless to say there hasn't been a lot of overtly D/s stuff going on lately. Padrone even gave me a wonderful gift last weekend - of relaxation and not thinking about being used. It was truly wonderful, I admit, and I am a supremely blessed woman. I am so grateful for all your gifts, Padrone, but that one was incredibly special to me and the gratitude is still deep and strong even if I haven't mentioned it much this week. Thank you for taking care of your schiava, il Padrone mio, in so many, many ways. I am wonderfully, proudly, gratefully yours.

Use and Lessons Learned

Where to start? So much has been going on the past few weeks! But today was one of the best times I have experienced in a long, long time.

More about that in a bit.

I made a stupid mistake in my school and really put myself in a bind trying to recover from the lost time it cost to redo the assignment. It was a very important, and very large, assignment, so it was an extremely stressful situation. So I've been behind and playing catchup but I'm finally just about there. :)

Add to that the fact that I was sick for about 2 weeks as well, and that didn't help matters at all.

Work is good though. There is always change and circumstances that are challenging but overall it is quite a good year. There is more change coming as well (isn't there always?) which will mean more adjustments but it is my hope and my belief that the coming changes will all be good.

So there has been a lot of stress and changing and unfortunately even more need for understanding from Padrone than ever before. And he has, of course, been absolutely wonderful. Honestly, I don't know of a time when he hasn't been wonderful (overall). Of course there are the ups and downs of daily life and a rare grumpy mood or even his legendary patience wearing thin now and then but overall he is simply a good man who wants nothing more than to have a woman in his life who adores him and wants to make him happy. We call it M/s, and of course there is all the trappings of M/s involved in our relationship such as control, surrender, obedience, power, BDSM, etc. But the bottom line is that he needs and wants to be adored and pleased, and when he is pleased and happy then he does all he needs to in order to make his woman happy. It is, as has been discussed here and in other places, a wonderfully mutual relationship.

But I have unfortunately been on "cruise control" in terms of my submission. Oh, I do what I am supposed to do, most of the time. And I feel the submission because it is such an inherent part of my life. But I have not let Padrone know just how much I feel it, or how controlled I feel simply because the dynamics of our relationship keep him in the forefront of my life almost always. I simply do not communicate that well.

In our relationship it is VITAL that we communicate more than simply "how was your day?" "It was good, thanks, and yours?". And we do, but maybe not about the most important things. It can be so easy to assume that our partner understands our thoughts and emotions, when we have been together as long as we have. At times, however, things must be reiterated, reinforced, reaffirmed. I learned that again today, in a wonderfully intimate way.

Use, scening, however you word it, is such an intense, intimate time. Yes, even for us who are long distance only. As I was still burning, suffering, but coming back to my senses, we talked. I asked Padrone about his feelings regarding more emotional, romantic sexual interactions. That sparked a discussion that has reverberated in my mind ever since then. See, Padrone needs control. He needs to feel it, not simply know he has it. And lately - well for quite some time now actually - I have been neglecting that part of my responsibility in this relationship. I have been merrily going along, all content in my own little world and assuming that Padrone was just as content (and he is, don't get me wrong) and forgetting that the vast majority of our relationship is based on actually communicating our feelings. I forget that there are some feelings that are extremely important to communicate, and that it can be done without constantly being "mushy" or "discussing feelings".

So I am going to do my very best to not only do what I am supposed to do, but also to let Padrone know just exactly how much I feel his control in my life, and try to do whatever I can to help him to feel it as well. I'm not totally sure how to do that but Padrone knows that I am thinking about it, and that I am very committed to stepping up in this matter.

Padrone, I do indeed adore you, and I am your devoted slave who wishes for your happiness and pleasure with all I am. Belonging to you as your slave, being loved by you as your woman, being cherished as your fiore - I can think of nothing more fulfilling and more beautiful to me than that. What I hope is that I can find ways to become more and more pleasing to you. Thank you, my Owner, for being patient and loving and understanding even while you would have enjoyed more from me. I am yours, my Padrone, wonderfully and totally yours.

Ups and Downs....and Roll Tide!

It's been quite a week, an emotional roller coaster but things are calm now, and happy, and peaceful. That's what Padrone and i work so hard to attain, even though we realize that things are going to happen to disrupt the peacefulness now and then.

We each came to realize that the holidays can be dangerous for relationships in some pretty subtle ways, the most glaring in its subtlety is the taking for granted of each other. You know, even though we each understand that it is easier for us to take each other for granted given the long distance nature of our relationship, it can, and does, sometimes happen. It's insidious, and usually not recognizable until it has caused a problem, but glaringly obvious as a root cause when the problem happens.

Sometimes i guess it's necessary to reevaluate things, where we stand, what we want and need and can realistically give. It's easy to fall into routines, to put things off, to decide that (insert action here) isn't really necessary. For me, especially, so much of what i do is voluntary....in other words, i offer my submission through actions and words, freely and openly. That means so much to Padrone when i do it, and i love to please him of course, and so i usually work hard to try to find ways, or even use the same ways i know will please him, to show my submission. Lately i have failed in that aspect....and yes, he had come to take them for granted, so when they weren't as obvious as they had been in the past, it created a problem. He loves to feel my submission, and of course submission is sometimes defined by one's obedience even when it's tough...it is sometimes shown through words and gestures that are easy. It's almost always easy for me to show Padrone what he means to me.

Lately, though, i had let life prevent me from focusing on him as much as i usually do. It's been a heckuva month for me, well two months really but the last month has been especially hard. And so even when we were together it was a time of distraction rather than focus.

i know it's going to happen in any relationship, long distance or face to face. The thing that helps us maintain our closeness is that we are "together" all day long in terms of me obeying and him controlling (read more about my "framework" of rules and expectations if you'd like to know more). So when we are together talking, we can have "quality" time, usually without distractions and usually quite focused on each other - even if just chit-chatting. It's like a married couple setting aside an hour or so a day just to devote to each other. So our communication is good, very strong, and that is one key to the success of our relationship.

So when something disrupts that focus, it can have damaging effects on our relationship. We've each taken the other for granted lately, though, and that is the snake that slithered in and began to poison our communication.

But now....things are incredible again, another storm weathered, love, passion, D/s, devotion...all restored beautifully. It took talking it out, being painfully honest with each other, keeping tempers in check, squashing the normal defensiveness that is a result of honest communication, and being open to change what we have to change....but the only way any of that could possibly happen is because of the deep level of commitment we each have to our relationship and to each other.

Anyway, the other good thing that happened this week is that Alabama won the BCS National Championship game!!! Roll Tide!!!! i'm STILL psyched about that one! What a magical, special year for these kids, this team! Yep, i love me some Bama football, that's for sure!

Padrone, i hope i conveyed to You how sorry i am for the upset of early this week, and i am so deeply and indescribably grateful for the communication...thank you for bringing up your concerns. Thank you for opening the conversation. Thank you for not letting my misunderstanding of your meanings become problems. Thank you for being open to my point of view. Thank you for admitting to your part in our problems, and for accepting that responsibility. Thank you for forgiving, and for asking forgiveness. Thank you for being the man you are, Padrone, who maintains our relationship as a very high priority in your life, and who will work as hard as you expect me to work in order to maintain its health and our happiness.

i am so blessed, Padrone, to belong to You. i adore You.

Perceptions

Padrone and i have done a lot of talking lately about this topic, differing perceptions and how they relate to our relationship. It's been interesting, and i guess i've let those thoughts color my ... perceptions ... as i have read other blogs recently. The result has been ... illuminating, to say the least.

i have a ton of thoughts buzzing through my mind, topics that i would typically share my thoughts about here. i will tackle one at a time and i don't know how well i will succeed in being coherent, but that's alright. If i am not, then either i'll hear that i am not, or anyone reading it will go away confused. i'm sure it's happened before.

Right now i kind of wanted to talk about something that was triggered by another's words in her blog. i don't even remember which one it was, i have begun to read so many lately, and rather than search for it, i will simply give a gist of her thoughts and then comment on them.

She said something to the effect that she felt that she fails more than her Master does, that it's a "usually" thing for her, and that she doesn't like it, doesn't want to, but she "usually" does fail.

i did a double take when i read those words, because frankly, it could have been me saying them at one time. It smacked of the typical, even stereotypical, submissive mentality that she can never measure up to her Master's expectations. So i brought up that subject with Padrone when we talked tonight. i didn't word it that way but it was the same idea.

We discussed so many things that stemmed from this original content. Submissives *do* tend to have issues of unworthiness, and a lot of times it is a result of improper expectations of them when they were growing up. Padrone says that i, specifically, felt that i had to be perfect to even be tolerated, and He is right in my case. i know i am not the only one for whom that could be said. i know that i was never taught to differentiate between behaviors and my entire "self", so when i didn't live up to expectations, whether it was in grades, work performance, behavior, words spoken or not spoken, whatever....i felt that it was me as a whole that was "bad", not just my behavior. It was reinforced verbally and physically in many ways by many people, so i was pretty much doomed to have issues in this area later in life. That is one expectation that i *have* lived up to!

But when a submissive finds the lifestyle, and suddenly she learns about Dominants, men who really DO separate behaviors from a person's whole being....who don't equate "bad behavior" with "bad woman"....who can punish and move on....who accepts her good parts, the parts she has desperately held onto in her most private places so she doesn't lose her entire self to "badness"....who values her, for who she is and not simply what she does....her natural reaction is distrust and that it is too good to be true!

Once she moves beyond that and begins to trust that someone, anyone, actually DOES want her enough to work to hold onto her....the disbelief can, and usually does, turn into an element of hero worship. That's not a bad thing, because Doms *love* to be worshipped and feel all powerful, all wise, all knowing, all that stuff. But a submissive who continues to do that runs the risk of becoming caught in the old trap of never feeling good enough, never feeling worthy enough, to belong to such a wonderful man.

You know, i still feel that i am the luckiest slave, the luckiest woman, alive. i have the most incredible Master, someone who sees things i don't, who shows me things i never would have known, who is patient and understanding and strict and easygoing and is, in general, a pretty decent man. But guess what? He ain't perfect, even if sometimes i have to remind myself of that fact.

Another potential problem within this dynamic that can stem from differing perceptions is that we, as submissives, rarely see when our Masters make mistakes. Yes, we intellectually know they make them, but rarely do we see proof, so it can be easy to kind of....skim over that - "oh yes, i know, He's human too, but oh He deserves so much more, so much better, than i could ever give Him, His imperfect self deserves the perfect slave who obeys every rule and jumps when called, never gets tired of kneeling or wearing a butt plug, never farts during sex, is always eager to be used and to serve and whose attitude is far more submissive than mine is".

i guess she jumps tall buildings and a single bound, and isn't a bird or an airplane either, huh?

i am not saying that we shouldn't strive for perfection. i believe that it's something we should do in every area of our lives. i don't DO it, but i believe we SHOULD do it. i do strive for perfection in my slavery. It just dawned on me why. It's one of the first things, besides being a mother, that i have ever felt confident about. i know i am a good slave. And so, i will try to become a better one. Other things i don't feel so good about, or i don't care as much about, so i don't have that same drive to become better in.

Anyway, it is the Master's duty to prevent the slave from sliding too far down that slippery slope of self deception and unworthy attitude. Padrone says He has to make sure He doesn't take my adoration too much to heart, no matter how wonderful it feels to Him to know how i see Him, how i feel about Him. He has to keep His head on straight to help me keep mine on straight. i never realized that He had the opposite issue that i did - maybe i should tone down my worship a bit? Somehow i don't think that would go over very well.

Anyway, a Dominant's mistakes are typically those of judgement or of behaviors that the submissive never even knows about. i told Padrone that i don't *want* to know about all of the times He feels He fails. It isn't that i don't want to know about His failures ... or that i don't think He is human and that He is infallable. It just has no place in our dynamic. i trust Him, even when He makes a mistake - or thinks He does - to correct it and move on. He has far more ability to do that than i do, and so the details don't matter to me, most of the time. Now and then it's nice to hear, though, and it keeps *me* from going overboard with the adoration as well.

So our perceptions about mistakes, failures, and who makes more, can lead into a dangerous place if we're not very careful not to let it happen.

But we also have different perceptions about so many other things, like rules and punishments, being set up to fail vs. being expected to do our best not to fail but expected to fail anyway, and the oldie but goodie - openness vs. mystery.

Rules and punishments are usually very emotional for a submissive, because of what i've already discussed, the inability for most of us to separate our self-image from behaviors when rules are broken. That becomes easier with consistent enforcement of punishments, then forgetting broken rules, by the Dominant. It became a huge issue for me recently when an unusual punishment was handed down for a not-so-unusual infraction of the rules. It was highly emotional, and to be honest, some of the understanding wasn't reached until we talked tonight, partly because i hadn't been able to express what was upsetting to me. But see....what i saw as an indication that i had, for some reason, screwed up big time....Padrone simply saw as a way to get me to type in my blog! Different perceptions, which created some really upsetting emotional havoc for me. Ugh.

And see, that particular rule - typing a daily email - is one that Padrone knows i will fail in doing. He has rarely failed to punish me for it though, even though He hates punishing me - He really expects that He will have to do it. i see that expectation as evidence that His rule sets me up to fail. i'm human, and forgetting an email will happen. That's life. Well, not so much now because i have an alarm set on my phone and i can type it from there if i have to but still. For almost 4 years, He has known that i will fail to follow this rule and that He will have to punish me for it. His expectation for me to fail is upsetting to me, and i can't understand why He can't say, rather than there being automatic punishment for every infraction, since He knows i will fail....that once every 3 months, or 4 months, or however often i typically forget it....even twice a year....i will be forgiven for being human. i understand that would be another pain in His neck to keep up with it, so i know it won't ever happen, but that would change...yep, my perception of the rule, from feeling set up to fail, to knowing that when i do fail, it is seen as a human failing. More often than however often He said, would be punishable because it would be more often than i usually forget.

i don't know, i'm just trying to give an idea of the different perceptions, and how they might be prevented. It's hard, i know, for a Master to set rules and expect 100% obedience at all times, and so many think that we will see anything less as weakness. In the beginning of a relationship, maybe we would. But later, when trust is so strong, it would not be seen that way at all.

And of course, the last one is a biggie - openness vs. mystery. i touched on it a bit earlier, when i mentioned that Masters don't usually reveal their mistakes to their slaves, but that a slave's are not only well known, but punishable with visible consequences as well. But the openness vs. mystery can also extend into emotions as well. Many times the slave is expected to be totally open to her Master, even if there were things she would rather keep private. i am not talking about things that could affect their relationship - i've been there and done that and almost lost the best relationship i have ever had because of secrecy. i am talking about privacy. i am talking about emotions that are best kept behind walls. i am talking about words best left unspoken. i am talking about things that a Master takes for granted that He will never share with anyone about Himself, yet expects His slave to share, sometimes publicly. i have read blogs lately where the slave is typing things that she clearly stated repeatedly that she didn't feel comfortable sharing, but that her Master insisted, required, that she share. It's good for her, of course, but i didn't read the first word from the Master typing things that might be good for HIM to share. Funny how that works, isn't it?

It's there in small things, in large things, in everyday things, and in unique situations. i am glad Padrone understands that there are things i would rather not share with Him, although if He asked me i would tell Him. i am glad that He understands how private i am with most things, and even typing here at times is too public for me even though i think about 3 folks read it - lol. That's still 3 folks besides Padrone and me that know my deepest thoughts and emotions, and can figure out how my mind works. And that's what bothered me about my recent punishment by blog post. It wasn't the typing my thoughts that was the problem, although i immediately wondered if i had upset Him by missing that particular email....just back from vacation, where i necessarily had fewer rules and opportunities to show my submission....and He was feeling very controlling....and i thought that was why the harsher punishment. Turns out, He knew i hadn't typed here in a while and He wanted my thoughts about the question i brought up in my text, and voila! a punishment is born. But to me it was far more than that....it was a forced exposure....like when i had to change my nick in channel, only not *QUITE* as traumatic as that. Public punishment, describing my thoughts on the punishment itself, was not a pleasant experience, believe me.

But i never would have known or understood His thoughts behind setting that punishment, and hence probably would never be able to truly recover from the trauma of it, if He hadn't opened up and revealed a bit of His thoughts to me, letting me peek into His perception and really understand that He didn't have a harsher punishment in mind when He set it, He really did just want me to type here, and to read my thoughts.

It gives Him a greater understanding of me, He says...insight into how i think. The thing is....to better serve Him, i need a taste of that same insight into HIS thoughts, and i am lucky enough to be given that insight fairly often.

So if i talk about how lucky i am, maybe y'all will understand a bit more why i say that over and over. i don't want to know every thought that goes through Padrone's mind, and sometimes i forget that His perception is different from my own. But i am lucky enough that He helps me know where He is coming from - to understand as much of His side as i can - so that i can learn to trust more and deeper and have a fresh viewpoint of me, my actions, how they affect Him and our relationship. What a gift.

i love You, Padrone.