Off to a Great Start!

So my year began quietly, sleeping early and sleeping in on New Years Day, which was very nice indeed! I thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas break, as usual. It was nice and slow - I didn't plan a lot of activities or busy-ness, and I was able to spend time with Padrone and alone, and it was just what I needed.

I've really come a long way since Thanksgiving, actually. I've grown a LOT in terms of true, mental, demon-exorcism and discovering who I am without the fears that have plagued me for almost my entire life. It was as if I needed to see that what I was experiencing was PTSD, and that giving the label to the "demons" ... well, that has helped me to learn to live with it rather than just being afraid of triggers and what they would reveal.

There is still an element of that, of course, because there are still things that are quite well hidden and haven't seen the light of exposure for 40-45 years. But it's fine - I've discovered that when I do have a flashback, or an innocent remark triggers a "freak out" that it doesn't define who I am. I never realized that is what I was doing until recently, but when that particular switch flipped....it is like I have become a different person.

I'm not afraid to admit my strength anymore. I'm not afraid to go farther, higher. I'm not afraid to plan for the future and expect that my plans will succeed. I'm not afraid of that success, nor am I afraid of the effects of success on my life or my relationship or my psyche. And you know what else I have discovered? I've discovered that since I am coming to Padrone from a place of strength now, that my submission is intrinsically motivated far more than before.

And I have learned what it means TO ME to have no limits - to be a "no limits" slave. To me, it doesn't mean anything at all about physical, BDSM types of limits. To me, it means that there is no limit to my submission, to my surrender, to my need to serve and to please and to obey. To me....only to me....it has nothing to do with what I will or will not do in terms of BDSM.

And what is so exciting is that this is just the beginning of my exploration of life from the perspective of confident, less fearful, woman and slave. I saw the effect of it on recent job interviews. I almost did not recognize myself, but I was relaxed and had a lot of fun - both the interviewers and I laughed and connected, and by the time the interviews were over I knew that I had made a very good impression. I absolutely love this feeling and have tested to make sure it isn't a fleeting, emotion-based thing. But I am calm inside - mentally calm, emotionally calm. There has been an indescribable change within me, and it is one with which I am absolutely and incredibly happy.

Padrone, I am not sure I have ever been able to really describe to you what has been happening to me internally over the past few weeks, but it has been very hard to explain. Even this did not really do so, but it is the best I can do. I know you have seen a change in me, and it has been good. And while I have fallen lax on some of my tasks, I am a far better slave overall than I have ever been, because I am a far better woman, and a far stronger woman, than ever before. And this strong, good, happy woman is abjectly grateful to be your slave, Padrone, and is renewing her commitment to giving you the obedience which you so deserve. She could never ask for a more perfect Master for her, and she cannot express her adoration and her devotion to you enough. I am yours, simply and wonderfully yours.

D/S?

Padrone and I had a conversation the other day...well, probably weeks ago by now but anyway...it was all about how he believes that only strong women can truly submit. I want to argue every time I hear that, for lots of reasons - lol. But Padrone went so far as to say that he thinks we type it wrong...it shouldn't be D/s, but rather D/S, to indicate the equality of strength required by each person in the relationship.

I didn't argue with that, for some reason.

The bottom line is that I hate to admit that I am strong. I don't want to be strong. I get so tired of pretending to be strong.

Sometimes I wish I could simply let go of responsibility and just turn things over to Padrone to handle. I wish I could take a break from being strong. I wish I could find a couple of hours/days/weeks (I'd get too bored, that's just the stress talking) where I didn't have to think of anything. No decisions beyond what to fix for dinner. No questions to answer. No situations popping up to help deal with. No kids, teachers, administration with issues. No job hunt. No school. No work. Just me, a stack of books, and Padrone.

But the fact is that I *am* a strong woman. I am getting stronger as I get more confident, which is kind of strange, but it's true. Or maybe I am just noticing it in myself, which is truly amazing when compared to the person I used to be. And the stronger I become, and the more I recognize that strength, the stronger our relationship itself becomes.

See, I have a kind of an unusual philosophy regarding relationships in general.

I believe that strong relationships depend totally on balance. I think that we all recognize that the Dominant partner in this type of relationship is typically a strong type of person. And I think that most Dominants will acknowledge the strength of submissives even if we subs don't see it in ourselves, or don't want to see it. But the reality is that if we are emotionally weak or unstable, it doesn't matter how strong our Dominant partners are...the relationship will be weakened by our weakness. Especially, in my opinion, if the "weakness" is deliberate.

I know submissive women who are looking for their "Dom in shining armor" to take them away from it all. I call these mythical creatures Calgon Doms after the commercials for Calgon bath oil from years ago when the woman begged Calgon to "take me away". Oh yes, I love to have that kind of thing now and then - who doesn't? A time of pampering myself and recharging my batteries. But as a way of living? No...I could never be the princess always in need of rescuing. Besides which, often what these subs want to escape from is actually themselves. And no amount of Domliness could ever change a person who doesn't wish to change without being forced into it.

But if the partners are relatively balanced in their emotional strength and stability, then the relationship has the potential to be strong and healthy. Balance is the key in everything, when it comes to healthy relationships.

Which means that Padrone is right, even though there are times when I simply do not want to admit it. Submissives *are* strong women, and admitting strength means that one must be strong. No excuses, no running, no shifting. Yuck.

I'd much rather leave strength to Padrone, who does it so well.

Padrone, I admire you so much, for so many things, but your wisdom and common-sense way of looking at things top the list. I am so grateful that you have guided me (intentionally or just because it is how you look at things and you simply shared your philosophies with me) into a grudging admission of my own strength, and a similarly grudging admiration of how that strength has helped me become a better submissive, mother, teacher and most of all a better woman. Thank you, Padrone, for so many things that I can't even name. The gradual way which I have learned to value myself is a direct result of how you value me and how thoroughly, and beautifully, you show me the value you place on your tesoro. (I probably got that word wrong, but you know what I mean.) Forever yours, my Padrone. Forever.

Strength

As i was typing that last post, i discovered something about myself.

i really *am* a strong person.

i am strong enough to raise two teenagers in today's society and have them turn out halfway decent.

i am strong enough to overcome a past riddled with pain and guilt and heartache and shame, and be a positive role model for people in my community and my church.

i am strong enough to stick by what i believe in, and strong enough to have searched myself to *discover* what i believe in.

i am strong enough to change careers in the middle of my life.

i am strong enough to begin again, fears and all.

i am strong enough to understand that, no matter how debilitating they may seem, fears are guides into strength and courage.

i am strong enough to know that emotions aren't the enemy, but sometimes the way they are expressed can be.

i am strong enough to know that silence is often far more golden than we give it credit for being.

i am strong enough to hold my tongue.

i am strong enough to show respect for those that i don't respect, knowing that my actions reflect upon me alone.

i am strong enough to have secrets, to know that sharing them isn't always the best route, even if conventional wisdom may say it is....and no matter who is curious enough to want me to share them.

i am strong enough to know that i don't want to be strong all the time, but strong enough to know that i may have to be.

i am strong enough to trust my Master.

And i am strong enough to have earned His deep trust as well.

That means more to me, and reveals more to me about myself, than anything else i could have learned. i could go on and on, now, about ways i show my strength, but nothing matters except that i am strong enough to gently, tenderly, lovingly hold my Master's heart.

Yes. i am totally blown away. Thank You, Padrone, for Your trust, for Your faith in me, and for Your patience for me to see things from a different perspective. You really are so absolutely wonderful to me, and i am incredibly grateful for Your caring and absolute ownership. i am Yours, so wonderfully Yours, mio meraviglioso Padrone.