Use and Lessons Learned

Where to start? So much has been going on the past few weeks! But today was one of the best times I have experienced in a long, long time.

More about that in a bit.

I made a stupid mistake in my school and really put myself in a bind trying to recover from the lost time it cost to redo the assignment. It was a very important, and very large, assignment, so it was an extremely stressful situation. So I've been behind and playing catchup but I'm finally just about there. :)

Add to that the fact that I was sick for about 2 weeks as well, and that didn't help matters at all.

Work is good though. There is always change and circumstances that are challenging but overall it is quite a good year. There is more change coming as well (isn't there always?) which will mean more adjustments but it is my hope and my belief that the coming changes will all be good.

So there has been a lot of stress and changing and unfortunately even more need for understanding from Padrone than ever before. And he has, of course, been absolutely wonderful. Honestly, I don't know of a time when he hasn't been wonderful (overall). Of course there are the ups and downs of daily life and a rare grumpy mood or even his legendary patience wearing thin now and then but overall he is simply a good man who wants nothing more than to have a woman in his life who adores him and wants to make him happy. We call it M/s, and of course there is all the trappings of M/s involved in our relationship such as control, surrender, obedience, power, BDSM, etc. But the bottom line is that he needs and wants to be adored and pleased, and when he is pleased and happy then he does all he needs to in order to make his woman happy. It is, as has been discussed here and in other places, a wonderfully mutual relationship.

But I have unfortunately been on "cruise control" in terms of my submission. Oh, I do what I am supposed to do, most of the time. And I feel the submission because it is such an inherent part of my life. But I have not let Padrone know just how much I feel it, or how controlled I feel simply because the dynamics of our relationship keep him in the forefront of my life almost always. I simply do not communicate that well.

In our relationship it is VITAL that we communicate more than simply "how was your day?" "It was good, thanks, and yours?". And we do, but maybe not about the most important things. It can be so easy to assume that our partner understands our thoughts and emotions, when we have been together as long as we have. At times, however, things must be reiterated, reinforced, reaffirmed. I learned that again today, in a wonderfully intimate way.

Use, scening, however you word it, is such an intense, intimate time. Yes, even for us who are long distance only. As I was still burning, suffering, but coming back to my senses, we talked. I asked Padrone about his feelings regarding more emotional, romantic sexual interactions. That sparked a discussion that has reverberated in my mind ever since then. See, Padrone needs control. He needs to feel it, not simply know he has it. And lately - well for quite some time now actually - I have been neglecting that part of my responsibility in this relationship. I have been merrily going along, all content in my own little world and assuming that Padrone was just as content (and he is, don't get me wrong) and forgetting that the vast majority of our relationship is based on actually communicating our feelings. I forget that there are some feelings that are extremely important to communicate, and that it can be done without constantly being "mushy" or "discussing feelings".

So I am going to do my very best to not only do what I am supposed to do, but also to let Padrone know just exactly how much I feel his control in my life, and try to do whatever I can to help him to feel it as well. I'm not totally sure how to do that but Padrone knows that I am thinking about it, and that I am very committed to stepping up in this matter.

Padrone, I do indeed adore you, and I am your devoted slave who wishes for your happiness and pleasure with all I am. Belonging to you as your slave, being loved by you as your woman, being cherished as your fiore - I can think of nothing more fulfilling and more beautiful to me than that. What I hope is that I can find ways to become more and more pleasing to you. Thank you, my Owner, for being patient and loving and understanding even while you would have enjoyed more from me. I am yours, my Padrone, wonderfully and totally yours.

Ups and Downs....and Roll Tide!

It's been quite a week, an emotional roller coaster but things are calm now, and happy, and peaceful. That's what Padrone and i work so hard to attain, even though we realize that things are going to happen to disrupt the peacefulness now and then.

We each came to realize that the holidays can be dangerous for relationships in some pretty subtle ways, the most glaring in its subtlety is the taking for granted of each other. You know, even though we each understand that it is easier for us to take each other for granted given the long distance nature of our relationship, it can, and does, sometimes happen. It's insidious, and usually not recognizable until it has caused a problem, but glaringly obvious as a root cause when the problem happens.

Sometimes i guess it's necessary to reevaluate things, where we stand, what we want and need and can realistically give. It's easy to fall into routines, to put things off, to decide that (insert action here) isn't really necessary. For me, especially, so much of what i do is voluntary....in other words, i offer my submission through actions and words, freely and openly. That means so much to Padrone when i do it, and i love to please him of course, and so i usually work hard to try to find ways, or even use the same ways i know will please him, to show my submission. Lately i have failed in that aspect....and yes, he had come to take them for granted, so when they weren't as obvious as they had been in the past, it created a problem. He loves to feel my submission, and of course submission is sometimes defined by one's obedience even when it's tough...it is sometimes shown through words and gestures that are easy. It's almost always easy for me to show Padrone what he means to me.

Lately, though, i had let life prevent me from focusing on him as much as i usually do. It's been a heckuva month for me, well two months really but the last month has been especially hard. And so even when we were together it was a time of distraction rather than focus.

i know it's going to happen in any relationship, long distance or face to face. The thing that helps us maintain our closeness is that we are "together" all day long in terms of me obeying and him controlling (read more about my "framework" of rules and expectations if you'd like to know more). So when we are together talking, we can have "quality" time, usually without distractions and usually quite focused on each other - even if just chit-chatting. It's like a married couple setting aside an hour or so a day just to devote to each other. So our communication is good, very strong, and that is one key to the success of our relationship.

So when something disrupts that focus, it can have damaging effects on our relationship. We've each taken the other for granted lately, though, and that is the snake that slithered in and began to poison our communication.

But now....things are incredible again, another storm weathered, love, passion, D/s, devotion...all restored beautifully. It took talking it out, being painfully honest with each other, keeping tempers in check, squashing the normal defensiveness that is a result of honest communication, and being open to change what we have to change....but the only way any of that could possibly happen is because of the deep level of commitment we each have to our relationship and to each other.

Anyway, the other good thing that happened this week is that Alabama won the BCS National Championship game!!! Roll Tide!!!! i'm STILL psyched about that one! What a magical, special year for these kids, this team! Yep, i love me some Bama football, that's for sure!

Padrone, i hope i conveyed to You how sorry i am for the upset of early this week, and i am so deeply and indescribably grateful for the communication...thank you for bringing up your concerns. Thank you for opening the conversation. Thank you for not letting my misunderstanding of your meanings become problems. Thank you for being open to my point of view. Thank you for admitting to your part in our problems, and for accepting that responsibility. Thank you for forgiving, and for asking forgiveness. Thank you for being the man you are, Padrone, who maintains our relationship as a very high priority in your life, and who will work as hard as you expect me to work in order to maintain its health and our happiness.

i am so blessed, Padrone, to belong to You. i adore You.

Happy Anniversary....Sharing a Life for Four Years

Happy Anniversary, my Master! For four years i have had the absolute honor of being Your slave, of wearing Your collar, and of being bound to You with bonds far stronger than leather. i am the luckiest, most blessed woman on earth.

i got an e-card from Padrone today. It's far more rare than it used to be for me to get one, but the reasons for that are many and i understand every one of them. It was so incredibly special to wake up to a card from my Owner, telling me Happy Anniversary!

But it was His comment within the card that made me almost cry, as it echoes so clearly what i have been thinking lately. Four years ago our lives changed.

At the time, of course, we had no clue to the extent they would change. Who can know things like that at the beginning of a relationship.

But i can say, and i will say, that i get just as much a "thrill" from wearing His collar today as i did then, if not more of one. Today i am equally as proud to belong to Him, to show off His ownership of me, to revel in the knowledge that we were made for each other as i ever was. It is equal in depth, in strength, yet so much more clearly understood.

There is no way to really show the emotions that fill me to overflowing, but i try so hard....i have always strived to let Padrone know how deeply grateful i am to belong to Him, and why. That requires letting down walls and revealing emotions not seen by anyone else....not the showing of the gratitude, but usually the telling of the why.

For four years i have felt a deep, abiding gratitude for this man's collar, his ownership of me. It has grown, deepened, strengthened, expanded, and become more tender as time has passed, but the character of it, or Him, has never changed. i have changed dramatically, but for the good. We make each other better people, simply because of who we are and the relationship we share.

i could go into so many reasons why this is so, and knowing me, i probably will soon. But for now, i hope to simply bask in the knowledge that we are still together, i am still so lucky to belong to this wonderful man, after four years of wearing his collar. i am so deeply honored to belong to such a wonderful man, someone who has shown me what it truly means to live a life of submission in my slavery.

i love You, Padrone. And i am Yours, forever...Your devoted, adoring, grateful slave.