Headache Relief?

I've done something I had never done before. I have been crying ever since Padrone and I got online because of it. And yes, I am supposed to type about it here. So, some background...

I have been sick, with mono (kissing disease, go ahead and laugh, everyone else has). Today was my first fever-free day since last Tuesday or Wednesday, a week and a half. Mono is no fun, it's not only the exhaustion which is overwhelming, but also the aches, the sore throat, the fever, the eye pain, the ... well, you get the idea. I've been off work all week, which is understandable. I've been pretty darn useless as a submissive, but very well cared for as a woman anyway. (That's what makes it work so wonderfully).

Today I *also* developed a migraine. I am prone to them as I think I have mentioned here before. But since my son and I have both had mono (sorry, I forgot that detail....he got sick a couple of days after I did), I totally ran out of ibuprofen without realizing it. I have been out of my imitrex for a while, and forget to ask for a new prescription when I am at the doctor's for other things, and I hate to go to the doctor *just* for imitrex....grrr.....I frustrate myself sometimes. Things that I type now actually made sense at the time...the exhaustion of the mono ... I don't think very clearly when I am that tired...

Today, when that migraine hit, the only thing I could think of that even had the potential to relieve it was orgasm. Yes, I had done it before, *years* ago, and it helped some. I knew a bath wouldn't help, and the headache was coming on fast and furious. The aura was so strong that I could barely see for the blind spots and sparkles.

I was not in the least bit horny, let me make that perfectly clear. All I was thinking of was the theory behind headache relief that orgasms can sometimes provide. Yes, I did remember that Padrone's first rule for me was "no cumming without permission". And yes, I willfully disobeyed.

Or tried to, at least.

I got my toys out, buzzed a little, focused, strained, stressed....and....simply could not do it.

I tried for a few minutes, not long. I felt incredibly guilty, and I hated that I had done what I had done. My body had tensed enough, though, that the relaxing of it helped the tightly contracted blood vessels relax as well, which helped the headache as I had hoped.

It was an unbelievably long afternoon, as some of you may imagine. I dreaded telling Padrone. I hated to know his disappointment in me. I knew he would be, and if he hadn't been, I would have been even more upset, wondering why. The hardest thing I have done in years is to tell Padrone that I willfully disobeyed him. I have never done that in all the time we have been together.

To further explain.....my reasoning was nothing more than to relieve the headache. It was so severe that I knew I had to do something or I would end up at the doctor's office, or the ER, depending on how quickly it worsened. It affected my thinking, but I still knew that what I chose to do was wrong. I knew that I was choosing to disobey.

I could have texted, but it was Padrone's dinnertime, and I knew that it might be hours before I got a reply...and I knew that the waiting would be filled with more pain than I was ... I almost said "capable of enduring", but I could have endured it I guess. I just honestly didn't think I could. I literally could not face the possible wait...of course, he could have replied very soon, depending on when his dinner was ready and served, but it was highly, highly unlikely.

As the headache eased, the emotional upheaval increased. It was all I could do not to beg Padrone's forgiveness via text, but I felt that it was too complicated to explain in a few characters so I waited until we were online together.

I still can't stop crying. I *chose* to disobey il Padrone mio...my Master....not something I want to accept about myself....

Padrone's response....well, I will simply copy and paste our online conversation, it's easier, and easy sounds good at this moment....and it will also give you some insight into him, his thought processes, even when he is blindsided by something as totally out of character as what I had done...he had asked how my headache was....

[18:10] (me) Padrone, it's better....i did something that i may be in trouble for, though, Padrone :(
[18:10] (him) tell me
[18:10] (me) takes a deep breath
[18:11] (me) Padrone....i had that migraine .... and i am out of medicine....
[18:12] (me) Padrone, and i could tell i was getting tense....muscles i mean....and i couldn't make them relax, which would have helped.....
[18:13] (me) Padrone, and i have also heard that sex can help ease a headache......so while i was not at ALL horny......i ....use some toys....did not cum.....but i .... i tried to cum....just to ease the headache....i couldn't, and after 2 or 3 minutes i couldn't even stand the toys anymore....
[18:13] (me) Padrone, i am so sorry, Padrone :(
[18:14] (him) when did it happen?
[18:15] (me) Padrone, i'm not sure of the time, but it was probably between your 7 and 8 pm, Padrone
[18:16] (me) Padrone, just tensing up, *trying* to cum (it's strange, i honestly cannot cum now without you saying i can, even if i try to).....it helped my headache, Padrone
[18:17] (him) why didn't you txt and ask for permission, was the migrain so bad you couldn't wait?
[18:18] (me) i am so sorry....i have never done anything like that before, and if i had not been out of medicine, even ibuprofen, i wouldn't have even tried.....and yes, it was that plus there was only a short window of time when i was alone and could ... really relax (theoretically), Padrone
[18:19] me is so sorry :(
[18:19] (him) ah, and now you think you MAY be in trouble, you are not sure?
[18:20] (me) Padrone, well...i didn't cum....i couldn't cum.....so i don't know if i technically broke a rule or not.....i did play without permission....not out of horniness though....so i just....wasn't sure, Padrone :(
[18:20] (me) i didn't know how you would look at it
[18:21] (me) Padrone, i am so sorry, Padrone
[18:22] (him) well, dear, i'm not so sure myself ... you did play without permission, but there are mitigating circumstances ... did you get any medicine after that?
[18:23] (me) Padrone, when i was in town i got ibuprofen...i didn't realize that we were completely out until i found the empty bottle when i went to get some.....i have it now, Padrone
[18:23] (me) Padrone, i have to go to the doctor to get the imitrex i usually take, though, Padrone
[18:24] he nods ... i find interesting that you couldn't cum without permission even when you tried ...
[18:25] me trembles a bit as she waits
[18:26] (him) but i have to consider that you decided to try ... but also, occasionally suffering of sinusitis myself, i know what kind of killer pain you suffered ...
[18:27] (him) and also i have to consider that it's the first time you willingly decide to disobey since i know you ...
[18:28] (him) and you probably feel guilty as hell now, mm?
[18:28] (me) oh god yes
[18:29] me is crying, and i have felt sick about it all day....i just ..... i should have asked, but i had no idea when you might read and reply....and hoped that you would say yes...and the headache was worsening every second....i am so, so so sorry, Padrone
[18:30] (me) no excuses....it...seemed justifiable at the time.....but i wasn't thinking clearly i know......
[18:31] (him) alright, all i want you to do about this is to write a blog post about it, you will explain it all and describe your feelings, but you don't need to be specific about HOW you disobeyed, that's up to you
[18:31] (me) i had done it once before, years and years ago, before i even knew about D/s....still married......he wouldn't pay for me to go to the doctor.....so i did it then....it helped a little.....that's why i decided to try it.....
[18:32] me sobs softly..... oh god...
[18:32] (him) is that a problem?
[18:34] (me) Padrone....it will be very, very hard to do....but it isn't a problem, of course not....well, a problem, but not ....well, not something i won't do, or will rebel against or complain about or whatever, Padrone
[18:35] (him) you are forgiven anyway, you just try to write that post, and if it comes out it's too hard for you ... well, we will talk about it
[18:37] me just cries softly.....Padrone, i am so sorry.....thank you.....i will write it...but it may not make sense....it's hard to explain how i thought then, cos i wasn't thinking clearly, and it makes no sense now when i try to explain it, Padrone
[18:37] (him) now give me a kiss and tell me you love me, schiava
[18:39] me raises her teary face and kisses you lovingly.....Padrone, you are my life....i love you beyond measure....i don't deserve you....but i am intensely, forever grateful for you, il Padrone mio
[18:39] (him) me caresses your hair and softly sings ...
[18:40] (him) you are beautiful, no matter what they say ...
[18:40] (him) (his reason for singing here, not mine to reveal :))
[18:41] me smiles and melts
[18:41] (me) Padrone, thank you.....i haven't ever had to do anything as difficult as telling you that i willfully disobeyed, since i have known you, Padrone

I have an amazing, amazing Master. I mean, truly amazing. Even after assigning the consequences for my choices, he was careful to let me know that I would be listened to if it was too difficult for me, since he understands extremely well just how difficult this degree of revelation is for me to do. Strange for a blogger, I guess, but true. And Padrone understands it, and me, far better than even I ever realized.

He looks not only at what I have done, even when I willfully disobeyed, but rather at who I am...the circumstances surrounding it....and set consequences that were so very appropriate and ... helpful. Padrone, I can't ever thank you enough for listening to me...really, really listening to me....understanding as well as you do, even when you don't really want to... and for setting an appropriate punishment (or consequences as the case may be). Thank you for the immediate forgiveness, and the loving reassurance of that forgiveness.

I have never loved you any more than I do at this moment, with tears streaming down my face, guilt for disrespecting you, for disobeying you, filling my heart....but the knowledge of your loving, generous forgiveness overriding it all. I am more grateful than I can every express, simply to be the woman you love. Grazie, il Padrone mio, grazie.

A surprising thing happened on the way to....punishment?

I know it has been a while since I have typed here, and that is mainly because I have discovered a few things about myself that have taken a little bit of time to process.

First, though, I am going to update on my "life". As I think I mentioned earlier, I did finally get a job teaching Special Ed in a small school district around 50 minutes' drive from here. I start next week with professional development days ("teacher days" we used to call them), and the students' first day of school is two weeks from yesterday. I'm excited, eager, and extremely nervous. I've never done this before, and since I don't yet know even what I will be teaching, it's kind of hard to prepare for it. I don't know what curriculum they use, what types of supplies or extras are provided, or anything. So I am going to the school today to take paperwork, and to check things out more as well.

My daughter is doing well, but is not well yet of course. Her back is hurting, but I don't know if it is the fractured vertebrae still giving her pain or if it is muscular. I wonder if there is still supposed to be spasms, 5 weeks post-accident. But I also understand that her lack of activity will contribute to pain when she does things. She goes back to the doctor on Thursday. So this week is filled with uncertainty, both good and bad.

And on the relationship front, something interesting happened this week, something that I never expected but which I feel very good about happening. And I think Padrone does too.

Regular readers of this blog will know that recently Padrone eliminated the punishment element of our relationship. It has been good in terms of my stress level, but something was missing. When my daughter's accident and injury was so new, everything was pretty much lifted - I was just expected (and it wasn't even a formal expectation but Padrone was worried and I knew he would like updates) to keep him posted as best I could. I missed texts of course, and emails while she was in the hospital. I honestly don't know how many other emails I missed, but I know that I missed a lot of texts. Frankly, I was too busy and exhausted and worried and focused on medication schedule and monitoring pain levels and how she moved and figuring out what food she could eat while flat on her back and....well, you get the idea. I hated it, I knew that all I needed to do was to let him know I needed him and he would be there for me, but I also knew that all I would do is cry and whine and complain if i did. I was totally overwhelmed, and it was (of course) a totally unexpected thing.

Thinking of texting every hour was simply impossible. As you might imagine, however, Padrone knew that even better than I did. So, even if punishment had still been a part of our dynamic, this is one example of when there would have been no punishment for my lack of obedience, because of the extreme nature of the circumstances.

But as with all things which we are unaccountable for, it was more difficult for me to get back into the routine once things began to settle down. Things were still kind of "topsy-turvy" when Padrone mentioned to me that I should resume my hourly texting, but I felt so bad for having unintentionally kept him more uninformed than he deserved, and for withdrawing into my world where I live, that it was something I was glad that he reined me in regarding. I would have done it even if I hadn't been glad, of course, but it was good, to me, that I did feel relief to be held accountable again. I needed, so much, that control that even the simple act of texting because he wants me to text gives me.

And so, that is where we stood when I missed an email. Since there is no punishment now, there was a void. I did  feel badly about it, as usual, but something surprising happened....

I offered to do the things that he had once set in place for punishment.

In all honesty, it surprised me as much as I think it did Padrone!

But it felt good. Not because I was punished, but because there were consequences for my inaction, and yet they were freely offered. I think Padrone truly enjoyed that, knowing that I understood my place as his slave was to meet his expectations, and accepting consequences for not doing so....but he also very much enjoys when acts of submission are offered. And it feels so good to offer, too, rather than having everything imposed. I am not one of those women who feel submissive only when forced to obey.

I love to submit. I love to obey. I love pleasing Padrone. And a big part of that is when I screw up, even in small ways, to offer consequences for screwing up. You know, as I told him, I can't promise to write 50 lines for every missed text, especially after I start working and there is not only an 8 hour day, but an hour's drive each way, to add to my day. But maybe I can think of something to offer him, that will be meaningful but not so time consuming. Missing a text is a small infraction, and the consequences should not eat 40 minutes of my day, or I don't think so anyway. And unless Padrone insists on that particular consequence be what I offer, which somehow I don't think he will, then I will try to think of something that will be effective, will show Padrone my remorse, will be unpleasant enough to be corrective in nature, and won't take a huge chunk out of my time.

I was really, really surprised at the feelings of relief and submission I felt from offering consequences freely as I did the other day. I think, and I hope deeply, that Padrone was pleased about the offering. I think he appreciates the fact that I want to show my remorse for screwing up. And you know, I think that was part of the problem for me when punishment was automatically imposed for screwups like missing an email. Yes, it may have been what Padrone considered simple consequences rather than true punishment, but the very fact that it was imposed upon me meant that I had no way to express the remorse I felt for screwing up. Yes, a small infraction, and no, I don't suffer from the major perfectionist tendencies I used to (I am accepting the human-ness of my slavery much better now). But even though I understand that I won't always do what I'm supposed to do, because I am human and will screw up, I do feel sorry when I do. And now, even though I am doing the same things as consequences for the same infraction, the emotions involved are totally different....it is now an expression of apology, remorse, and submission rather than a rote fulfilling of duty.

That is one reason it seemed as if I was taking everything far more seriously than I should - I would still apologize, often many times, for missing an email. Padrone didn't understand it, and I didn't either frankly, but now I see that a lot of the reason was because saying I am sorry was that expression of remorse that *I* as a slave need when I mess up. So I was doing that *and* punishment, and even though I couldn't express these thoughts, it often felt like overkill.

But now....

Now I can offer. Now it is a freely offered expression of remorse, rather than an unemotional, required, reaction to my screwups. Now it is a result of my heart opening and searching for a way to express itself. Now, it is a way for me to show my submission in the way that Padrone loves - offered freely, just as the "good" things are. And it was so fulfilling, so freeing, and very, very surprising to me that it was those things.

Padrone, I hope you were as pleased as I thought you were about my offering. I hope my words here made sense to you, and I hope you understand a bit more about what I am just now learning about myself as well. I love you, Padrone, and I am a very, wonderfully, blessed woman to be the one you love. Thank you for being who you are, my Love. Thank you for all you do to show your love and happiness in our relationship. Just thank you, Padrone. I am yours.

I'm so happy

So i've been thinking. Surprise surprise. :)

It's been a few weeks since Padrone ended the punishment aspect of our relationship (for the most part, of course if i'm deliberately disobedient or rebellious that's a different story entirely, as it should be. I have felt surprisingly little guilt, although i do get hit with it now and then, it's mostly because i wasn't sure where Padrone's thoughts were on it more than anything else. So tonight i asked him - lol. He said "i'm alright" which didn't really give me anything more than that he is alright with it, so while i do feel better that he isn't resentful of what might be seen as a sacrifice at worst, or even a compromise i guess....i think i had hoped to hear that my more relaxed state of mind (which shows, i know because i asked *that* too! :D ) made him glad and that it was worth it to have me so happy and content and at peace. But i didn't hear that, which is cool....and Padrone is alright.

And i'm sure that little niggling thought will niggle its way back into the forefront of my mind at some point in time, but for now it doesn't matter at all. Padrone is alright with it, and i am...happy.

And, an unexpected result is that i am at peace. i have found myself not worrying so much over little things. And i didn't have a clue why until just a few minutes ago.

My personality is as a giver. I offer. I'm thoughtful. I try to anticipate needs and even desires, and work to meet them as best i can. And so now there is a different mindset for me, and it is just a little bit hard to explain.

What is expected of me hasn't changed. What has changed is the shift from....obedience or "else", to a simple "here's what I want you to do". He knows, he TRUSTS, that i will do all i can in order to give him what he wants from me. He finally has come to the place where he can accept that, without having unnatural consequences attached to my mistakes. He realizes that when i don't meet expectations, it is because of a mistake or unforeseen circumstances that prevent me from doing so. He knows that i am not deliberately disobedient, and so he has come to a place of being able to express that trust in my obedience, in my very nature, by dropping the punishment (mostly).

When i can't be online, i try very hard to let him know why. If i'm late, i try to give advance warning. It isn't always possible, like when i had company that just would not leave the other evening. It's rude to text in front of company so i had to use a trip to the kitchen for iced tea as a text-stop. But it was *after* i was supposed to be there already, and i hated that but...it was so nice to know that Padrone knew it was unavoidable.

And you know...it is the formal expression of that trust that has freed me from the worry, i think. i don't obsess about counting minutes or panic if i am late texting because i know that Padrone understands that it will happen now and then, and that i still text as much as i am supposed to (or more sometimes) even though i don't have to write lines anymore if i miss a text. Being released from the constant pressure of "do it or else" (Padrone is NOT a big bad guy, but if i feel as if my behavior is being judged, then imperfections are unacceptable to me, so the "or else" was HUGE in my mind)....that release has released at least a part of that perfectionism, which has shocked the STEW outta me, let me tell you!

It's like....i can express myself in my natural way, by offering what is most pleasing to Padrone....the reason for giving isn't to avoid consequences, it is given because Padrone wants it, plain and simple. The consequences weren't the driving force behind my obedience before, by any means, but the threat was always there. The constancy of that didn't allow me to focus on anything other than the tasks at hand...

And to think that all of this came about because i made a B on an assignment and laughed about it, rather than obsessing over it! That is SO not like me that i had to ponder why!

Now i can focus on the emotions, the submission, the intimacy that Padrone yearns for. I don't even have to focus on them, they are just there. And it is so wonderful.

I feel free, Padrone. Free to express all that I am, and all that you love so much about my submission....I am free to love and to submit and to serve and to please you ... more free than i have ever been before. i am free from the worry over the small things, free from the guilt when i wasn't perfect, free from the guilt i felt for resenting the threat of punishment, and free from at least a bit of the burden of perfectionism that i have carried with me for years.

I am free because you expressed trust in me, Padrone. You freed me with your knowledge that i will do as i am supposed to do simply because you trust who i am.

That, my Love, is an amazing statement, and one that i hope i never give you reason to regret. i love you, Padrone. And the gratitude that i feel for you, the joy, and peace in my heart ... i can never fully express. There are no words...other than thank you. And i am yours.

The beginnings of thoughts...

Padrone and i talked tonight for the first time in quite some time. We've chatted online but busy-ness has kept us from having time to talk much lately. Things will settle back into place soon though.

Anyway, he said some things tonight that have sparked some "thinking" on my part, and i am going to share them here so i won't lose them if i want to blog about it later, AND so i won't have to try to go back through the thought processes and explain what can be inexplicable jumps in lines of thinking.

He said that when we think of consequences as natural follow-ups of choices, we tend to think of "good" or "bad" consequences and don't usually understand fully that consequences are "more good than bad" or "more bad than good". In other words, relating back to my decision to tell my family about my abuse (i opened up about it 6 years ago, btw, and it still hurts but that's to be expected)...i made a choice, counted the personal consequences i thought of but am experiencing some unexpected consequences as well. And the other part of what He talked about was that our choices aren't as static as we sometimes think of them as being....they have a ripple effect, and we often feel the "ripples" for quite some time as a result of our choices.

i know i haven't clearly conveyed what He said, and i can't as clearly as He did. i wish i could. But i'm still kind of processing it, letting it sink in and become part of me, if that makes sense. It really hit home though, that's for sure, and i'm taking it very much to heart. Anyway, i'm still thinking....as my title said, this is the beginnings of thoughts. There's no telling where my thoughts will end up on this!

Padrone, thank You for giving me another side to think about, another facet and another perspective that i could never have seen on my own. You are so good about that, Padrone! Thank You for caring so deeply what happens to Your slave, Your woman. i am gratefully and forever Yours.

a myriad of thoughts...or something like that

i've been thinking.

There are several things i would like to type about here, thoughts running through my mind and experiences that i'd like to share. i don't know how to start, or really how *much* to share, but i'm sure there will be *something* here when i post it!

First, i am taking a break from reading blogs for a while. i am going to type here when i need/want to, but i won't be reading others' for a while.

Why?

Well, because what i see when i read some blogs is an arrogance - the owner of the blog types an opinion, and if someone comments something that contradicts that opinion, the commenter is blasted to the wall, metaphorically. And to be honest, it is usually about politics or religion or some variation thereof that it happens regarding. i am quite simply tired of it. i don't like the stress i feel after reading blog posts that seem designed to "stir the waters", and lately it has seemed to happen in blogs where i haven't seen it before. i'm tired of being surprised by stress in an activity that i used to find relaxing and thought-provoking.

*deep, relaxing breath*

i feel better already!

See, i have been thinking quite a bit about why i type here. i don't really have any specific goal for this blog....on the contrary, it is a place to type my thoughts, philosophies, and what goes on in our long distance relationship, nothing more. i mean, i am not putting thoughts here for anyone's benefit other than mine and Padrone's. If others want to read, fine. If not, fine. And if someone doesn't approve or whatever, that's fine as well.

The last thing i want is controversy and confontration and conflict, especially on a blog, and *especially* when i'm merely voicing my thoughts and philosophies and opinions.

So, i won't be reading others' blogs, stressing myself up with untyped thoughts responding to provocatively written posts. i initially, and apparently naively, began reading others' blogs to try to gain some insight into others' relationships, and of course, into my own. Exposure to thoughts, relationships of others can help expand my own way of thinking and my own submission, not to mention giving me ideas of how to serve Padrone better! But the good from it has ceased to outweigh the bad, at least recently, and so it's time to stop for a while. :)

The other thing on my mind is something i have been thinking about typing for a while now, and it's strictly a D/s topic, i promise! It's one that i have been thinking about for a while now - and now seems to be the right time to type these thoughts.

When a slave disobeys, there are always consequences, punishments that go beyond "feeling bad" or being upset that we've disappointed our Masters. That's obvious and part of what this lifestyle is all about, actually, accountability for slaves.

But there's an age-old question that always rankles in a slave's mind, especially when she's going through a very tough punishment, and *especially* if it is one that she feels is unfair! (yes, it happens, sorry)

What about *THEM*?

What happens when a Master screws up? And yes they do, even though it's sometimes hard for a submissive to acknowledge it and even harder for us to accept it. They make mistakes, they fail, they screw up, they punish too harshly, they don't always think things through, and so? What happens to *them* when *they* mess up?

They go through their own version of hell, that's what.

See, while we have the luxury of defined rules and expectations, and even if not well-defined, we learn enough about them to know what they expect in general. If we mess up, we have consequences then it's over, even when we beat ourselves up over it, we know that as long as we don't make that mistake again, we won't be punished again. It's black and white for us. We're fortunate in a lot of ways to have it so. It's what we want, what we crave, and what keeps us focused....someone in authority over us, to keep our lives in control since it isn't something we really want to do ourselves. We don't want the authority over ourselves, nor do we want the tremendous responsibility that comes with it.

So guess who gets that responsibility, as soon as He assumes authority? Yep, our Masters. So when HE makes a mistake, while He may not have to write lines or get His ass beaten, there are most definitely consequences for Him.

He goes through a process of "wondering"...who He is, how could He have made such a mistake, where did He go wrong? What we, as submissives, usually fail to understand completely is that when THEY make a mistake, it usually has consequences for US as well, and that is something they really beat themselves up about. They have chosen to protect us, to help us grow and to learn to trust them with our lives and livelihoods, and what? They hurt us in return? Tell me that isn't something that would weigh on *your* mind if you were in that position as well.

And, while i really dislike being compared to being a child, in reality when we allow someone to be responsible for our welfare, we are becoming child-like in that aspect....which means that comparing our Masters' role to the role of a parent is apt and appropriate. i know how it feels to make mistakes that affect my kids, that hurt them or put them in a bad situation. i know the self-recriminations that can follow - of course i am sure that, since i have self-recrimination down to an art form, i do it *better* than most of y'all!

It's hard to know that we've hurt those we love in any way. But when we are responsible for them, it hurts even more. i know it depends on the severity of the mistake, but usually we have a time of self-doubt and wondering...not why we made a mistake, but wondering why we didn't think things through, what did we miss that created such a problem...things like that. It's the same for a Master when dealing with His slave.

My point is that in an M/s relationship, the accountability factor can seem unfair to an outsider, to someone who doesn't understand the dynamics of authority and responsibility that are the core of any relationship like this. But both of us are held accountable by HIM. HE is accountable to Himself, and He acts according to His standards, His honor, and His integrity. His sense of responsibility keeps His actions where they should be by His own standards, and it also keeps ours there as well. (On a side note, but not entirely off the subject....if you see a Dom/Master acting like a jerk, arrogant and demanding and demeaning....that says a lot about His standards and honor and integrity, in my opinion. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks".)

It seems out of balance, skewed, but the whole point is that responsibility is what drives most Masters, and when they fail in their responsibility, who better to punish them than themselves?

i am sure there are other ways that they suffer consequences for their mistakes, not the least of which is knowing that we have suffered for them as well. i guess that is really the biggest factor...It's hard to get my mind around Padrone suffering when i am miserable...i hate even *thinking* about it...but i know it is true. It kind of makes what we do pale in comparison, doesn't it? Actually, it is very similar to the way we feel when we have disappointed them...only on a much larger scale. That's hard for us to imagine, but see...while our actions disappoint them, they don't always *harm* them emotionally. If Padrone makes a mistake, He could harm me....that's why He is usually so very careful and why His mistakes are few and far between...because when He does make one....it is upsetting to us both. i think that's probably the worst punishment ever, and one that Padrone never avoids if He does make a mistake. He takes responsibility and "owns up to it" and asks my forgiveness. What a concept....and maybe that's the most difficult thing....the most appropriate "punishment" for a mistaken Master....

*ponders*

i don't know, though, i kind of like the idea of Padrone writing lines! *teasing, only because i got so involved with typing this that i missed a text and have to write lines today sometime, darnitall*

Padrone, thank You for sharing with me, the little You did, that gave me a deeper insight into Your thoughts when You make a mistake. i know i can't ever know exactly what You go through emotionally when You make a mistake, and as i have said before, i don't want to know it all. But knowing the main thoughts helps me to know that it isn't strictly "business as usual"...that is what breeds resentment in so many submissives towards their Doms when they are punished. You are so good to me - You give me so much, so much of Yourself, and yes....i will keep it safe, absolutely safe, for You...

my Love.

my Owner.

my Padrone.

i am Yours.

Expectations and other things

Yes, another blog post only one day after my last one! Has the sky fallen yet?

Well, i guess sometimes, for me, when it rains it pours in terms of the desire, or need, or whatever it is that drives me to type thoughts out in a public forum. i was reading my post of yesterday, and it dawned on me that the problems in many relationships don't stem from differing perceptions as much as the expectations that we have from those differing perceptions.

For instance, when i am given a rule that i am to do daily, and i don't do it, i tend to have the opinion that i have failed to perform my task.

When i don't do a daily task, as long as it isn't a recurring problem, Padrone has the opinion that i am human and have simply shown it.

We talked about it this morning, as a matter of fact, and He used an analogy to illustrate His thoughts to me that i found very easy to understand. He said that, if i were going to the grocery store, and had a list, and i do that every week....and if i get home and have forgotten the sugar....would i have failed? Or would i have made a simple, human, common mistake?

The answer is that i've made a mistake of course, but when it is a task set forth by Padrone, it's not the same, and i can only explain it by saying that by forgetting the sugar, i have made a mistake, and since it *was* simply a mistake there is no punishment involved, only the consequences of another trip to the store. But if i forget a task set forth by Him, any consequences are in the form of punishment.

So, while He expects that i will, at times, make a mistake in my obedience to my daily tasks....as any human does.....He really sees the punishment for it as more of a negative consequence than as a true punishment. If forgetting to type an email once every few months is natural and expected, then why would a punishment be necessary?

That was what i was reacting to badly to, actually, the knowledge that His words and His actions didn't seem to be consistent. i didn't understand that He viewed punishment as a consequence to remind me, rather than a true punishment to change my behavior. i thought that by punishing me, He felt i could attain the perfection of never forgetting an email. In reality it was designed as more to be a "trip back to the store for sugar" than any attempt to change my behavior.

Where am i going with this? i'm not totally sure, but i know it really *is* about expectations. i expect to be able to at least have the *opportunity* to never be punished in tasks that He sets for me, and He expects a human effort from me, knowing and trusting that i will give my best as much and often as i can but expecting that i will make mistakes and not meet those expectations perfectly. In the past, those mistakes have equaled punishment. So, the question remained....do i really deserve punishment for a human mistake that i will make time and again?

And, the answer is that i deserve negative consequences. It may be the same things that happened before, but by labeling it consequences, then my own stress has eased, my own attempt to be perfect is still strong, but not making me frustrated and upset with myself when it doesn't happen. And by labeling it as consequences, it has also helped Padrone to understand that His expectations may need to be...redefined, or revisited, or even more clearly communicated, than they were before.

i never would have thought that was the case. i really thought something was wrong with *me* for getting so upset every time i missed an email and was punished for it. But the reality is that i was feeling as if i were set up to fail, and that there was an unavoidable punishment lurking over my head at all times, which would come down on me for making a mistake....not for bad behavior or bad attitude or anything that could be changed by a punishment.

Maybe we misuse the idea of punishment as the answer to every unmet duty of the slave. Frankly, everyone is going to miss something now and then, i don't care if you *do* wear superman pajamas! (i know, that was weird) And so i truly believe that there should be certain behaviors for which there aren't punishments, rather there are consequences... return trips to the store for sugar.

Now i know what happens when i miss an email...there is a consistent consequence in place for when that happens. It isn't something drastic, but will be a reminder all day of my mistake. i can text that i realized my mistake, do what is required, and go on. i can't TELL you how relieved that makes me feel. It's like a huge load off my shoulders.

Why? Because i know i am not going to be punished for missing an email anymore. (unless i just...decide not to type it for whatever reason or something). There will be consequences, just as there are with every mistake we make, whether large or small. Many times the consequences are what alert us to the fact that we *did* make a mistake! But by changing the way we word this, it has changed my own expectations of my behavior, and lines them up more closely with Padrone's....i can begin to make annoying "trips back for sugar", rather than stressing out over how to become perfect.

i honestly think that we in the D/s or M/s lifestyle, get too caught up in trappings or vocabulary, and often just doing what Padrone did and bringing in a totally vanilla analogy helps us communicate and clear the air much faster than if we kept talking in terms of punishment and undone tasks.

Punishment vs. consequences...what a novel thought! Ongoing consequences for mistakes, punishment solely for disobedience. Gosh, that's just...well, i don't like being punished, so it's a huge breakthrough in my mental processes, just changing the wording and setting definite, well-defined and predictable consequences for forgetting my email...that was so effective in changing my own perceptions, and my own expectations based on those perceptions. Wow, amazing! It seems like a totally new idea, and maybe it is in the D/s world - lol.

Thank You for being willing, and even glad, to talk about this today Padrone. i agree that we needed to, because it would eventually have become a land mine waiting to explode if we didn't. i think so, anyway.

i love You, Padrone.