A Few D/s Thoughts

I've got a couple of thoughts running through my brain that are actually about D/s for once!

First, I was thinking of how proud Padrone is of me in almost every area of his life. I thought of how he is in the background often, not in my heart and mind but ... it's a bit hard to explain to those on the outside who think of us as having an LDR only. But I feel as if I am the one to shine, and he is the one who has the joy of owning the jewel that shines so brightly. But it feels a bit awkward to me at times, because *I* would much prefer that *HE* is the one to shine.

But he is so content to watch me grow and mature and become the best I can be. He is so happy when I do some small things like take care of myself. He loves to hear that I am walking or going shopping or getting my hair done. He says that I will be getting used to things I have never had before - a decent car, a good job, even good shoes. Yes, that is almost verbatim something that he said to me not too awfully long ago, and it really impacted me strongly. I realized that I have compromised on everything, my entire life, to such an extent that I almost always talk myself out of doing things for myself. I go WAY too long between haircuts, have never had my hair professionally colored and only had my nails done professionally once in my life. My shoes are functional but not what one might consider nice. And my car is a decent car, but....it's 12 years old. The muffler fell down and started dragging yesterday, so that's another repair. It's so many little things, and while I don't have a car payment, it sometimes seems as if I spend more in repairs than a payment would be (although it's not true of course).

But the point is that Padrone does want me to shine. He wants me to become used to nicer things. He wants me to have nice clothes, shoes, car. He wants me to look good and to feel good about myself. I am so blessed to have such a man to love me, to guide me, to teach me. And what amazes me, moves me to tears even this moment, is that he is absolutely content to be in the background while I learn to shine, to soar like an eagle while he keeps his feet firmly on the ground holding the tether that keeps me from soaring too far.

He is my hero. I have said it before, and I will say it again I am sure, but there is no disputing that fact. This man who accepts me totally, just as I am, but also sees so much potential in me....how can I ever express the emotions that overwhelm me? He is the one who should shine. He is the one who should have the spotlight, with me simply serving and encouraging him. He is the one who should be soaring, with me following along.

I am so blessed to have this man in my life.

And last night proved again just why that is so. Last night he talked about using me, and lately he has been talking about it more than usual. So I commented about that, simply because it has been a long time and...well I was resisting for some reason. I was surprised since it *has* been so long, and I usually don't feel that way actually. But I was mentally thinking "whatever" when Padrone said something to the effect that being used is good for me. So we talked about it and Padrone realized that I was just out of the habit of being used, and he took responsibility for it totally upon himself. Well, I can't use myself for sure but the reality is that I too should have taken responsibility for asking for it, making sure his needs are being met since that *is* my responsibility!

But I've been thinking about it. I wonder if my age, or my medicine, or lack of time has been diminishing my need for use. But I need *him* more than ever. I absolutely adore this man, but such a major part of our relationship is not expressed without the use. We can express our D/s in other ways, but honestly the intimacy that we both crave from each other is expressed most strongly through use, physical and emotional use that causes suffering and expresses the dynamic at its very core. There is nothing then, nothing except control and submission. There is only power, pulsing, throbbing, flowing almost as a living entity that strips us both bare of all except our most base needs - to control and to be controlled.

That is why we do what we do. It is who we are. It is what we need. And yes, it is good for me to be used. However, I still resist now. I think my hormones, my medicine, and my cold all contribute to it. I would prefer not to go to work sore. Right now I can think of negatives, rather than the intimacy that calls to me with its Siren's song. So yes, I know it is good for me. It keeps the resistance, the negativity, at bay.

Padrone, the best I can do today is to say that I am willing to be used. I am not eager for it, and I am disappointed in myself for that fact. I will probably be laughing at myself after the first use, but I guess it is human nature to resist what is no longer a habit. I'm laughing right now, through my tears, as I compare being used with walking. Well, I am overcoming my resistance to walking by just doing it, as I have typed here before. So maybe I am asking for help in overcoming resistance to being used, Padrone. Of course you would "help" even if I didn't ask for it, by using your slave as you wish. Thank you, for being the thoughtful, loving Padrone you are. Thank you for doing what is best for me, for you, and for us. I am more than blessed to belong to you, my Padrone. Thank you.

My Padrone

First, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

It's been so long since I have written here that I have almost forgotten how, I think! My apologies for that, but I had another round with kidney infection, side effects of a very strong antibiotic, and finishing my last assignment for school. I am maintaining my 4.0 gpa, thank goodness, but this class was a struggle since I chose to do my exams as part of a group assignment rather than doing them on my own. The group wasn't as concerned with excellence as I was, I guess, and we barely got enough points for an A. But I still kept my A and learned quite a valuable lesson in the process!

Only 9 more days until my summer vacation starts! I am incredibly ready for it, believe me! One of those days is Fun Day for the kids (and teachers, but we're not telling the kids that!), and one is Make Up day for finals and very few, if any, students will attend that day. Two of the days are teacher inservice days and if I had any leave time left at all I would stay home for those because what is discussed will not apply to me since I won't be there next year. Oh well, I may learn something not specific to this district, so it may not be wasted time. And no, that is not what I expect - lol.

Padrone and I have both been busy, but we make time for each other as much as possible. It will, of course, be easier when I am home for the summer. Since getting the Voxer app we hare more in contact with each other, I think, and that is incredibly nice. Technology is wonderful.

My thoughts lately have been travelling along two paths it seems. I'm not sure if I can explore both paths in one post but I will try - if only to get them to stop running around my brain!

Once, Padrone told me that he likes the way he is and he won't change - for me or for anyone. Yes, it was quite arrogant, and it's truly how he is. His thoughts are that he is the Master and there is no way he will change for a submissive. And you know, I too believed that the vast majority of the changing would (and should) be done by the submissive. I mean, if the Master is changeable, then the submissive doesn't get her own needs met since consistency is a major need that most submissives have.

But, as one might imagine, change happens, even in Padrone. I think most of the changes in our relationship happens because we are changing ourselves. When we first met, most of the needs we explored were sexual in nature of course. There were other needs, but at that point the sexuality of our relationship was enough to meet most of them....as deeply as we felt comfortable trusting each other. It wasn't long before his need for control....just sheer control.....began to rise to the surface.

You know, what is amazing is that he owned a slave when we met, and he *still* needed to control my life outside our online life. And I was quite terrified and insecure when he released her because I knew of his deep need and I honestly didn't have a clue if I could meet his needs or not.

But Padrone's needs changed. He came to not need "control", but rather to control *me*. He needed my submission, my obedience, my pleasure, my pain. *mine*. Padrone changed, so our relationship changed. As I came to trust that change, it relaxed me and I was able to focus even more strongly on him and his needs.

As time passed, Padrone began to reveal himself to me, not just the "Master", but himself. With increased intimacy came more changes. He trusted, he accepted, he encouraged, he supported. He gave, he didn't just take. And when we began our relationship he would say "A happy slave serves better" when I would appreciate what he would do for me. But as time passed he simply revealed that he loves when I am happy....not for the selfish reason he once gave, but simply because I am happy.

And we have evolved into a natural type of D/s, for lack of a better way to describe it. He took so much time to get to know me and my life, and to exert his control in ways that were attainable, "do-able"...not simply create arbitrary and generic rules that didn't fit me, that our evolution has been at times almost imperceptible. What he values most is obedience, submission....not that I fit into a preconceived mold of what "a slave" or even "his slave" should be. Submission means learning what pleases him and doing my best to do so. That is his most basic expectation of me, and it always has been. He has *always* put rules into place that were for my betterment as a submissive and as a woman....not simply to ensure my development into the "perfect slave" or whatever.

His basic expectations of me have not changed, in that he still expects me to learn how best to please him and to do my best to do so. But he has become far more open, more giving, more concerned with meeting my own needs than he ever was. He has changed, in small ways that have only become apparent over a large amount of time, but the most wonderful way he has changed is that he is happier now than he has been since I have known him.

Padrone, I adore you. I am so thrilled every time it hits me that *I* make you happy. I love our relationship, I love being yours, I love your happiness with me, and I love knowing that we are bound together with the strongest cord of all. Where we are, what we have, is more than I ever dreamed I could have in my life....and making you happy is something I never truly believed I could do. But now....now, I not only dream....but I believe...I *know*....and am just as happy as you are. I can never thank you enough for being patient, consistent, loving and forgiving enough to enable us to reach this place. You are mine, I am yours, and together we are more than we are individually. And words fail me, far too often, when I consider who you are to me. I am irrevocably and undeniably yours.

An Outpouring of Love for my Padrone

I miss the time I used to have. There, I admit it.

I work, drive to and from work, do a few chores to ensure I have clothes to wear and the toilet is clean, and sleep. Until the weekend, when I do a few more chores, shop for groceries, watch football, do more laundry and get things ready for the next week. I knew I would be busy, but I guess I didn't realize just *how* little time I would have while working.

I do love having my weekends off though, the consistency of knowing just when I will be free is a huge relief. I'm about to start another class, and I can't drop this one so I have to do whatever it takes to get the work done. I will, I know. I just miss having the time I used to have.

I am thoroughly enjoying my job, though. Hearing the students say that they love my class and want me to move to 7th grade with them next year means more to me than I could ever express. Hearing my MR student who has had the same teacher, in the same surroundings, for the past 5 years tell me that she loves my class, and she loves our room.... it's like a balm to my soul, I admit.

The politics are still awful and stressful and taking their toll on me. Being asked to do things that are illegal and unethical, by my mentor teacher at that, is something I never expected and can only hope that I can continue to react in an appropriate way. I feel as if I have to keep my guard up constantly. I know I do, in many ways, but it is as if I have a target on my back because I am the "new kid" and also because I...well, frankly because I know what I am doing and I am not going to risk my license and my future by doing some of the things they are asking me to do.

I am just really, really grateful that Padrone is a lawyer! But even more than that, I am grateful that Padrone is the loving, caring, patient, supportive man that he is. I guess sometimes I tend to have my head in the clouds or maybe I just ... don't always understand the effects of so many changes and so I pile things onto my plate without realizing just how hard it might be. Well, I have handled a lot of things since Padrone and I have been together, so maybe it seems as if I haven't really recognized my limitations or something, I don't know. Does that make sense? It isn't as if I think I am superwoman or something, please don't misunderstand. It's just that I can see that I have in the past worked full time and taken 3 graduate summer classes, so I never imagined that taking one class while teaching would be an issue. But Padrone realized far more than I did that I wasn't just going to work full time again, I was starting a new career entirely. It is stressful. It has taken quite a bit of adjustment. And it has really, really been time and energy consuming that's for sure!

But Padrone keeps steady. He hasn't used me in a while, that's true, and I miss that. Not as much the sexual aspects of it as the overt, focused, undeniable expression of submission and devotion....and the gratitude that follows so immediately .... that I miss. It isn't as if our relationship is any less strong by any means. If anything it is stronger, from my perspective at least. It seems as if my emotions run deeper and deeper with every passing day. I never understand just how that can happen, but this man...

Padrone thinks that I make him look like some sort of....saint or something, in my blog. I don't talk about how badly he beats me at backgammon even though I am still learning and don't know all the strategies. I don't talk about when he asks me why I am a couple of minutes late getting online, but often makes me wait 10 minutes or longer before he comes online. There are times when I get irritable (usually hormone-related, even though I hate using that "excuse", it happens). There are times when he is grumpy - although not often for sure. But the consistency of his behaviors, the expressions of his emotions, that consistency has influenced me in a very positive way and it is as if the newfound calmness of mind has allowed my emotions to deepen or strengthen.

I don't have to be concerned with whether or not Padrone is going to be upset about this or that. I honestly believe that I have a pretty good understanding of this man, on the level that is vital for our relationship as the dynamic stands. I believe that it would take some pretty major disrespect or deliberate disobedience on my part for him to get extremely upset with me. He may get irritable, as he did when I would forget to text him as soon as I got to the school every morning, but really upset is extremely rare. I would remember to text when I left, but when I would get to the school itself, I would have people who would walk to my car when I got there, talking with me about school or whatever, and I would forget to text even when I got to the room because by then my day had started....or I would text then but it wasn't what he wanted. So we have kind of, in a way, compromised in an informal way. I try to text before I go in, but I will at least text when I have gotten to my room. (also, one reason I would forget before is because I would be getting to the school just in time to clock in...well, I usually clock in 5 minutes before it's required, but now I have started leaving a few minutes earlier so I have time to get the settling in done). Anyway, after he threatened to call the school a couple of times, we had a talk and....I've done better (for the most part, with a couple of very noticeable slip-ups) and so has he. He simply texts to ask if I arrived safely, and he now gives me time to respond between classes or whenever I can instead of threatening to call the school. So see...things do have a way of working themselves out, simply because we are who we are and we know that working them out is what we do.

I love him more as time passes. I honestly never believed that was possible before Padrone. Was there life before Padrone? I feel as if I spent my entire life waiting for him, going through the motions of life with the joy in my life coming solely from motherhood.

Gratitude overwhelms me. It simply and totally overwhelms me. I adore you, my love. You are so important to me, and I cannot imagine life without you in it. I am yours in ways that are absolutely inexpressible and irrevocable. Forever, absolutely, yours.

A New Day, A New Life

First, thank you Padrone for the suggestion for what to write about today! I have wanted to type here for a few days but really didn't know what to write. So many things happening, but not as much on the D/s and relationship front...on the surface at least...and so I realize that what I type here only has interest for myself and Padrone in the long run. And that's perfectly alright with me.

But a lot of what I type here, Padrone and I have already discussed, and this place is more for clarifying my own thoughts, or adding details that I forget when we're talking, or things like that. I process my thoughts through typing them here, at times, and that is what I think will happen today.

See, my new job will entail many changes in my life, and in Padrone's of course. I will have to wake up and leave home at an ungodly hour in the morning, drive an hour or so to my job, and drive home the same distance. I will have a lot of time alone, which is not a bad thing at all. Being on the road for that long will be a challenge some days, and I know Padrone will worry a bit about me driving that far. The drive is the worst part of this entire job, but if I didn't think I could do it, I never would have applied for the position. After this year, my situation will be a little different in a couple of ways, and I can do anything for a year!

But it means that our routine will have to change, as will my framework. We've already talked about the fact that 5:30 am is awfully early to wake up and shove a fake cock up one's ass, so that is one bit of the framework that will shift. I am sure I will still have something to do in the mornings, even if it is to wear something while I drive. But of course what it actually is will be up to Padrone.

And you know what? I am so grateful that Padrone is the type of person he is. He takes into consideration not only his own needs and desires, but mine as well, and my circumstances and situation and job and life and personality. He knows me so well, and challenges me at times, but frankly we have moved beyond the need for me to prove my submission to him.....but that doesn't mean that things will always be easy. It simply means that Padrone chooses how he wishes for me to show my submission. That doesn't mean that he doubts it or that i must prove anything, only that the D/s is a major part of our relationship.

I guess it is the fact that I do trust him so much that enables me to....well, I don't worry about what he has in mind. Maybe I should, I don't know - lol - but not really. I know that even when he challenges me it is only out of the need for control, or that he knows i need to show my submission, in a strong and powerful way. He has no more need to prove that he can/does control me, than I do to prove my submission. We've been through too much, been together too long, for doubts of those things to be a part of our lives any longer.

And so, in 3.5 short weeks, I will be driving to my new job, in a different town. Starting a new life professionally, personally, and together with Padrone. I will finally be making a better living, financially things will begin to ease, and I will be doing what I have dreamed of doing almost my entire life. I am in a beautiful, almost fairy tale relationship with a wonderful, loving, considerate, passionate, caring man. And the frame within which I live my life will be shifting but not crumbling.

Now, if only I can find a decent car....*laughing but still serious*

Padrone, I have a ton of things to think about in terms of this new job. What is the dress code? When I get paid at the end of August will it be for a full month? I have paperwork issues with license to deal with. I have to think about packing lunch (I refuse to eat school lunches daily...they are just plain gross, even after all these years!). I have to get clothes cleaned, ironed, sorted into outfits so I won't have to think about all of those things while I am acclimating to a new job. I am sure some shopping will be involved, even if for nothing other than shoes. (I doubt sneakers will be appropriate - lol) And I have to finish all of my work for my classes this summer and get registered for classes in the fall.

But through it all, I hope that I never fail in my effort to let you know how much you mean to me. You are the reason I have this job, Padrone. You encouraged me to begin this trek, to take that first test that built my confidence when I passed the first time. You made rules forcing me to study daily, and rewarded me for doing so. You believed in me, quietly, unwaveringly. You supported me, encouraged me, and gave me very real help in my schoolwork. Your pride in me now humbles me, my Love, even as it motivates me to be the best teacher I can be, to do the best job I can do, and most importantly, to strive to make a difference in the life of a child who has special needs. If I can help them learn to believe in themselves even half as much as you have helped me to believe in myself, then I will be proud.

I have said this before, Padrone, and I will say it forever. I could never have done this without you. You have given me a blueprint for helping my students, far more than any class or book ever could have. Care for them...love them....accept them where they are....believe in them....expect them to do their best....motivate them to strive for their goals....and show them how proud of them I am when they accomplish something difficult.

Because of you, Padrone, I will be a wonderful, wonderful teacher. I love you, my darling Padrone. You truly are my Hero.

Don't say i didn't warn ya!

i'm baaaa-aaaack. (evil laugh)

And i'm sharing a song. Randomly. Cutesy, and cheesy, and stuff, but it's how i feel about Padrone and our life and our relationship.


,

Padrone asked me yesterday before we left to come home, if i was ready to go back to my real life. My answer was not a simple yes or no (how could it be, it was ME answering, sheesh!). i am ready to begin my future...so i was ready to come back here and get through what i have to experience in order to do just that.

i mean, i was in a log cabin, in the woods, in the mountains (well, maybe the beginnings of the mountains but still gorgeous and hilly for me), right beside a river....daughter was occupied with boyfriend, his family were simply WONDERFUL people, and they even left me alone for a couple of evenings so i could have a "vacation" - who in their right mind, in the same circumstances, would want to come home???

But it was time. It's time for me to do my FASFA, finish the paperwork, get signed up for classes, find out about financial aid, let the boss know what she can expect from my schedule, and stress about my ability to do it all - lol - as usual!

It's time for me to focus on my future, on the career that will enable me to *have* a future. It's time to focus on time management, finding a teaching job, jumping through all the hoops necessary to get there from here. It's time for me to begin to understand that what i have worked towards for so long is going to happen, and to prepare to work, learn, and grow into the best teacher i can be, the teacher i have always longed to be.

Yep, sappy i know. i'm kind of glad i can be "sappy" about my job at my age. It's like i lived the first part of my adult life for my kids and others....and now i can live the second part for Padrone and myself. i kinda like that. (oh yeah, i'm SURE the kids will benefit from it, but i'm not doing this directly for them.)

But 3 summer classes, at one time????

*faints*

In case you're wondering, i've been out of school for around....let's see....105 years or so. This is going to be quite challenging, to put it mildly!

But i'll make it. The goal is too close now, and failure is not an option.

When i look at how far i have come from the timid, frightened, hesitant girl i was when Padrone met me, to the more confident and happy and secure woman i am today, i know that there is nothing i could set my mind to do that i couldn't find a way to accomplish. But the reason i am this way is because of one thing, and one thing only.

i have worked so hard to be pleasing to Padrone, that i have actually become the person He envisioned me to be a long time ago. He has always believed in me, once he got to know me well at least. He has always seen my potential, my abilities, when i have dwelt on my failures and inabilities. He has encouraged me even without saying anything, simply his expectation that i would do well, succeed, and rise above circumstances... and those things were the foundation of anything i have done, or will do in the future.

If i fly, it is because Padrone truly *is* the "wind beneath my wings".

And i love You with all that i am, and all that i will ever be, my Master, my Love, my Padrone.

A Fourth of July post, including D/s thoughts

Well. First off i am going to say Happy Birthday to the USA! It's really hard to remember sometimes what this holiday is all about. After all, it's the middle of the summer, folks aren't fighting in the backyard (unless you have kids, but that's a different story), and we aren't struggling to form a brand new country, declaring our independence from one we consider unfair in their dealings with us, and oppressive in their rule of us. But if we take a moment and put ourselves in the shoes of those who signed the Declaration of Independence we realize that they could easily have been signing their own death warrant, truly putting their lives on the line for something they believed strongly in.

Nowadays if someone does that, they are considered insane at worst, naively misguided at best, and are always an object of pity. We truly don't care as much as we used to, the human race as a whole. We can't judge folks based on our own beliefs, because by doing so we may offend someone. We can't state opinions that differ from the most outspoken, or we are argued down and ridiculed. The majority, even in our own country, is silenced by folks who use political correctness as a way to control the masses. If you don't believe it is true, try saying something against some of the "hot topics" that are supported by the more vocal (and more covered by media) of today's "influential people". It's sad that even in the USA freedom of speech doesn't exist any longer, out of fear of being called a "hater". And yes, i usually contribute to it by saying "oh well, not my problem".

But it IS my problem, not that i can do anything to change society as a whole. But i do exercise free speech in my home and in my community, even when it isn't popular to do so. The reality is that where i live i have a reputation as an open minded person because i speak thoughts that aren't in line with popular thought around here, but i don't do so in an "in your face, so THERE" kind of way, so i am a bit more respect even if i am thought odd. i just wish that everyone who liked to stir the pot would remember what the freedom to do so cost many good people and many more families, 230 or so years ago.

Now, i'm off the soapbox and onto some things i have been thinking lately.

i've been thinking about why i need Padrone in my life.

i know. On the surface that's a pretty stupid thing to be pondering, isn't it? But realistically it isn't. i know i need His control, but....over what? i know i need for Him to accept responsibility....that's a huge thing for me, since i carry guilt for many, many things i shouldn't feel guilty for, things that others not only refused to take responsibility for but for which the responsibility was shoved unceremoniously on my already over-burdened back. i know i need His care, His concern, His use, His humiliation, His love.

But....is that really *enough* to have made this relationship last so long and become so strong?

Maybe it would be easier to say what i *don't* need, and why.

i don't need someone to rescue me. i don't need a knight charging in on his steed, to fight the demons and dragons that may endanger me. i need to fight my own battles, to suffer, to learn, to overcome. Does that mean i don't need His protection from time to time? Of course not. There are times when i literally can't face what i have to face, and i hide from those things...usually through serving Padrone, and knowing that He is there when i need Him to be is what i need. He is supportive, accepting, encouraging, and as understanding as He can be of the demons that drive me so hard at times, those things that have often made me try to push Him away, or have made me so emotionally difficult to deal with that all i have seemed to be able to do is hope He could hold on until things settled back down.

It hasn't been fair that Padrone has paid the price for all the things done to me in the past by others, but...i needed someone that was willing to do that, so that i could, safely and in a trusted emotional environment, face the demons and render them less effective in controlling me.

What else? i also don't need a "Calgon Dom". (for those who may not remember, Calgon used to be a brand of bath crystals, and the commercial for them was a woman sinking into a bubble bath after a long day of demanding things....the words were "Calgon! Take me away!")

i don't need to be rescued, to be removed from reality. Now and then it is fun to fantasize and pretend, but the fact is that if i expect someone to come and "take me away"...He would eventually have to bring me back and while my mindset may have changed a little, the circumstances around me, and the demons and thoughts inside me, that affect how i live and who i am would still be the same.

i can't be rescued from myself. i can't be taken away from my reality.

What i have always needed, and still need, is someone who has done just as Padrone has done - who got to know me, and who used His authority over me to build a realistic framework based on who i am, where i am, what i can give, what i struggle to give, my eagerness, my frustrations, my limitations, my perfectionism.... all of it works together to give my all, to please, and to serve my Padrone to the best of my ability. That, to me, is what a Master is.

What do i call someone who has done that for me? The person who was patient and learned about *me* before demanding and ordering and controlling in unreasonable ways...the person who allowed me to struggle, to resist, to push, to try to sabotage our relationship, to push Him away, even to run away myself....the person who, with infinite patience and love, showed me the tapestry of myself as seen by Him.... the person provided a safe and secure emotional environment for me, and who waited as, when i felt secure and safe to begin what i have waited my entire life to begin, i began to face demons and (much to my surprise) began to exorcise them as well. What could i ever call a man like that, who has done all of that and so much more....just because He saw something in me a long, long time ago that He felt was worth nurturing and revealing, layer by layer, until i shine as His loved and cherished slave?

Some may call Him a knight in shining armor. Some may call Him rescuer. Some may simply call Him Master. To me, He is all of that and more.

He is my Hero.