Happy 8 Years, Padrone

I cannot type much tonight because I am without Internet for a while and typing on my phone. I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary to my Padrone, who allowed me to beg for his control 8 years ago today.

eight years of joy, trials, love, heartache, laughter and fulfillment. We are two incredibly blessed people.

Happy Anniversary, Padrone

I forgot our anniversary.

I started my new job today and I have been thinking for weeks what a fun coincidence it is that my job started on our anniversary, and how easy it was for me to remember the date of my first training.

I stayed up late (for me) last night finishing an assignment for one of my classes, and even when I saw the date of the submission (three days early, tyvm) I didn't even think "oh tomorrow's our anniversary" as I usually do.

I am so embarrassed, actually, because I never forget anniversaries. Or birthdays. Until this year.

I got a Voxer from him while I was in training, and I know he knew I had forgotten, and I just hope it didn't bother him too much. I'm not sure - it really is a special day for us and always has been.

Maybe I should link to the post about taking each other for granted being a *good* thing!

Padrone, you know that my light tone hides a real heart filled with love for you and joy at being yours. It never ceases to amaze me just how happy we are after all this time, without having met face to face.

Who I have become and what I have accomplished is due to your presence in my life, and the affect your love and acceptance and support has had on me. You said that you saw a strength in me from very early in our relationship that I didn't recognize. I would venture to say that you saw much more that I am still now learning to believe about myself. That belief, unwavering and powerful, is the foundation for everything I now am.

And everything that I now am, is totally, irrevocably, yours. Buona anniversario, il Padrone mio. Forever.

For Padrone

There are so many things I could type about tonight. Many of them I likely will, I am sure, even if I plan to keep this short and sweet.

Tomorrow, June 20, is the 6 year anniversary of the day I begged for Padrone's control. No, it isn't the anniversary many celebrate; usually that is of a collaring or a wedding or something like that. But this is the date of the true beginning of our relationship. Since it is almost Padrone's 3 am now, it *is* June 20 where *he* is. I always type on my time, but this time I hope to surprise him when he first gets online Monday.

Padrone, that day our conversation began like any others, I am sure. Maybe we scened, maybe we just chatted, getting to know each other better, I don't remember. I do remember that I felt that tingling sensation that happens when you feel very Dominant, so it did not surprise me when you said that you were having difficulty not extending your control into my "real life". Those words sent a shock of need through me that to this day I cannot describe. I hesitantly, and I hope respectfully, asked for you to not restrain yourself any longer, if that is what you wanted. You pondered....and said that if I truly wanted it...I would ask in the ancient manner...three times, giving myself plenty of time to think about it, to really think about what I was asking for. And I did.

Today, my Padrone, the gratitude for what we have, for who you are, for who I have become, overwhelms me. I find myself yearning for new, more expressive ways to show that gratitude. I have offered all I can, all I am, to this man who is worthy of so much more. To know that I am the one who holds his heart is humbling, yet it fills me with joyful abandon.

None of this is what I meant to say in this post, but it will do.

And the beauty of what we have? We don't simply love each other, we *like* each other too. It isn't that we are best friends, because we don't feel friendship for each other...it is different. I see us growing old laughing at life, holding hands as we walk through the stores, simply enjoying each other's company for the rest of our lives. So yes...maybe we *are* like best friends.

Padrone, 6 years. 6 long, short, wonderful, beautiful, stressful, joyful years I have been yours. We are changing, growing, independently and together, and we keep getting better and better and better....

How sweet it is, Padrone, to be loved by you:

Five years and counting

Five years ago today, Padrone placed a virtual but very real collar on my neck, and in my heart. i honestly can not begin to imagine life without this man at the helm of it.

i have not been able to let him know lately how i feel about him. i know it is always there, always expressed to a degree, but we have truly spoiled each other and when one of us is unavailable for whatever reason, it is a major hardship for the other. Lately, of course, i've been incredibly busy and focused on school. Yes, we both wanted this to happen, and yes, we both knew it was going to be difficult going in.

He really has been wonderful throughout this time. i have been so blessed, you know. i know it, i admit it, i accept it, i embrace it. And sometimes, sometimes, i take it for granted.

i hate that he has had unmet needs for quite some time lately. i hate that i have had to delay meeting those needs if i wanted to be successful in this endeavor. i hate it more than he knows. i hate it more than i can express. i feel incredible guilt most times i do things for myself, and even moreso with this particular situation because i don't "better" myself well.

That is for another post, however. i hope to be finished with all my schoolwork later tonight, so hopefully i will get to blog more soon.

Padrone, You have changed my world in dramatic and subtle ways. You have changed me. You have changed my future and my outlook on life. You have changed my behavior and my mentality. You have changed the way i think, the way i react, the way i perceive what is going on in my daily life.

i can never express how dependent upon You i have become, how much i need You, and how deeply surrendered to You i am. You have literally become the center of my world.

So many words to describe our life and the way i feel about You and being Yours, but nothing can ever express any of those things. Those words sound trite and bland compared to what we have, Padrone, no matter how honored i am to be able to say i am Your woman. You, Padrone, have literally taken a broken, hopeless person and turned her into the woman You own. How could i ever express the depths of the emotions You evoke?

The past five years are only a prelude to the rest of our lives. i can think of nothing fulfilling than being Yours forever. i love You. i am Yours.

Happy Anniversary....Sharing a Life for Four Years

Happy Anniversary, my Master! For four years i have had the absolute honor of being Your slave, of wearing Your collar, and of being bound to You with bonds far stronger than leather. i am the luckiest, most blessed woman on earth.

i got an e-card from Padrone today. It's far more rare than it used to be for me to get one, but the reasons for that are many and i understand every one of them. It was so incredibly special to wake up to a card from my Owner, telling me Happy Anniversary!

But it was His comment within the card that made me almost cry, as it echoes so clearly what i have been thinking lately. Four years ago our lives changed.

At the time, of course, we had no clue to the extent they would change. Who can know things like that at the beginning of a relationship.

But i can say, and i will say, that i get just as much a "thrill" from wearing His collar today as i did then, if not more of one. Today i am equally as proud to belong to Him, to show off His ownership of me, to revel in the knowledge that we were made for each other as i ever was. It is equal in depth, in strength, yet so much more clearly understood.

There is no way to really show the emotions that fill me to overflowing, but i try so hard....i have always strived to let Padrone know how deeply grateful i am to belong to Him, and why. That requires letting down walls and revealing emotions not seen by anyone else....not the showing of the gratitude, but usually the telling of the why.

For four years i have felt a deep, abiding gratitude for this man's collar, his ownership of me. It has grown, deepened, strengthened, expanded, and become more tender as time has passed, but the character of it, or Him, has never changed. i have changed dramatically, but for the good. We make each other better people, simply because of who we are and the relationship we share.

i could go into so many reasons why this is so, and knowing me, i probably will soon. But for now, i hope to simply bask in the knowledge that we are still together, i am still so lucky to belong to this wonderful man, after four years of wearing his collar. i am so deeply honored to belong to such a wonderful man, someone who has shown me what it truly means to live a life of submission in my slavery.

i love You, Padrone. And i am Yours, forever...Your devoted, adoring, grateful slave.

Buon Anniversario, Padrone

Three years ago, my nick changed to reflect the ownership of the most wonderful man, and the most wonderful Master, i have ever met. Three years ago, the changed nick was merely a foreshadowing of the changes that being His slave, His woman, would bring into my life.

i am the luckiest woman alive to belong to this man. i have said it so often that it may seem mundane to some, but the truth is that my Master turned me around, and molded me, shaped me, into the slave, the woman, i am today.

In the past three years i have grown and changed, i have moved beyond the hurt, hiding girl with walls so high nobody could reach her. In these three years, i have learned more about life and living, about people and personalities, than i ever dreamed i didn't know. In these past three years, i have learned what it means to be in a commited relationship, to give and take and compromise and listen and speak and suffer and hurt and grow and love and laugh.

Padrone's ownership is unceasing, it is absolute, and it completes my life in ways i can't ever explain, but for once i will try.

At work, at home, at the grocery store, at the ball field, wherever i am, Padrone is with me as well. If i behave well, i feel His pride in me, and if i make a mistake, i sense His correction. When i text Him, i feel His response to what He reads, even if it is just satisfaction at my obedience and nothing more. When i am scared, i can feel His strength, and His confidence in my own strength, flowing through me. i have taken lessons He has taught me and incorporated them into my everyday life, in positive ways - positive for me at least. i have learned how to be strong and stand up for myself without being bitchy or pushy or ugly. i have learned to be a strong, confident woman, and that is mainly because i finally realize - that is who Padrone deserves for me to be, and it is who He believes that *i* deserve to be as well.

And that leads me to another point. Padrone believes in me. Padrone believes that i have what it takes to be successful in life, something i have never, ever felt about myself. He believes in my strength, in my abilities, in my potential, in my mind, and in my heart. He knows that i will struggle to succeed, struggle within myself for so many reasons, but He knows i can make it through. And that confidence usually sparks my own in myself, and will be what keeps me going in the next few months as more major changes happen in my life.

Padrone not only accepts the differences between men and women, but He understands most of them - at least that they do indeed exist - and our relationship has become more and greater and better because of that acceptance and understanding. He allows me to be myself, even when He doesn't understand my reaction or thoughts. He gives me the freedom to be myself, to express myself respectfully. He doesn't want to change me, although if there is something He would like to see me to differently, He generally has ways to let me know without turning it into an issue.

Padrone hates to punish me, although He will without hesitation if i need it. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He has taught me that, even as slave, it is normal for me to make human mistakes and not strive to be perfect slave. He allows me to make mistakes, do the punishment, then move on.

Padrone punishes me in appropriate ways. i would not be given 60 lashes with a belt for speaking to Him in a tone He didn't like. i would not be forced to sleep on the floor for a week because i didn't ask Him about something He has been mentioning Himself for several weeks. He wouldn't use me and not allow me to cum for simply not going into a position He requires of me nightly. i am sure there would be punishment for those things, (maybe not for not asking for what He had always given Himself, but if so He would talk with me about it when the punishment was given). If i disagreed with the punishment, He would talk with me about it, and make His choice accordingly.

Padrone has said repeatedly that He cannot control my feelings. Those are my own, and always will be. He *can* and *does* control my actions, but i will think and feel what i will, and there is nothing He can (or would) do about it. i would never be punished for feeling a certain way about something, or not being in the right mood or mindset. i would be punished, however, if i allowed my feelings to cause me to act badly.

Padrone respects my family life, and enjoys being as much a part of it as He can. After much deliberation, i told one of my kids about Him, although not the nature of the relationship. It has been so nice to have someone to talk with, who understands and is excited for me and for us. She is also slowly getting to know Padrone, who she calls the "Big E" sometimes - E is His initial.

Padrone has been through hell owning me, yet has stayed so commited to our relationship, has never given up on me, nor did He allow me to push Him away as i, as is usual with submissives in a new relationship, tried to do long ago. There have been times when it seemed that every conversation had new problems, new obstacles, new circumstances to overcome, and yet He never complained about it. Sometimes He doesn't like when i don't have time to devote to His pleasure, yet rarely has He ever even voiced any impatience, and never a complaint.

Padrone is amazingly patient. He is teaching me that patience is hard won sometimes, and yet it is worth everything one goes through to learn it. He is teaching me that spontaniety has its rewards, yet thinking things through, even if it takes weeks or even months, can bring even sweeter ones.

Padrone has shown me that loving someone isn't about three little words, nor is it about romance or the feelings that come when someone else does something to make me happy. Love begins when one's needs are met, and continues to grow only as sharing needs means that there are more needs met, rather than unmet. Our love began with D/s needs, and has grown to fill our lives beyond the formal Master/slave dynamic.

Padrone has taught me what it truly means to be a slave in general, and just what being His slave means.

Slavery isn't merely being owned, it is being treasured.

Slavery isn't merely being collared, it is being loved.

Slavery isn't merely being controlled, it is being surrendered.

Slavery isn't merely being used, it is being given freely in use.

Slavery isn't merely being in a role, it is being me.

i am His slave, He is my Master, it is who we are, how we live, and not what we do.

As His slave, i have blossomed as the fiore He calls me. His flower, opening to Him alone, revealing all that is inside me, the good things that i can't always see... the bad things that i magnify....the ugly self that i try hard to keep hidden ... the beautiful brokenness that has come through total surrender... the trust in the safety of His control ... the heart that beats for Him...the mind that surrenders to Him ... the soul that lives for Him.

This is something i found in the post i typed last year in my blog, but it stands true now, and always will:

Thank You for the love that i had to learn to see.
Thank You for the patience that lets me grow.
Thank You for the focus on Your slave that frees me to focus on You so totally.
Thank You for the acceptance that creates safety.
Thank You for using my body, my mind, my emotions, for Your pleasure.
Thank You for needing the depths of submission that i could never before express.
Thank You for believing in me.
Thank You for being someone i can also believe in.
Thank You, Padrone, for owning me so beautifully.

Happy Anniversary, my Owner, my Love....i am grateful that our future will be as wonderful as these past three years.