On the "Breaking" Bandwagon

There is an ongoing discussion in a couple of the blogs that I read concerning breaking a submissive. I'm going to speak about that for a little bit, then I have a couple of other thoughts that I will share today.

I usually don't feel compelled to comment on what others are discussing in their blogs and comments. But this topic struck a major chord with me, and so I just wanted to share my own thoughts about it.

Lucky y'all.

First, this is my opinion, and only my opinion. If your opinion differs, wonderful! But know up front that I am not making any sort of comment that should be taken as anything other than strictly my opinion.

With that being said, I will just jump right in. I've seen where others have compared "breaking" a submissive with breaking a horse (which means training the horse to be ridden). I have seen where some have compared being "broken" with being beyond their own control, beyond thought, beyond themselves. But for me, a broken person is....emotionally damaged. Their spirit is broken. They have been harmed emotionally, simply because someone wanted them to change and they did not have the emotional or physical resources to prevent it from happening.

In my opinion, "breaking" a submissive is abuse, because of the definition I have given...the definition that is how *I* think of a "broken" person.

There is what I call a "victim's mentality" that is so pervasive in an abused person's psyche that it is extremely dangerous and allows abusers to do whatever they will with and to that person. I have seen more broken women and children in my life than I care to think about.

But I also own horses, and watched one of them being "broken" to ride. If one wants to compare the breaking of a horse to the "breaking" of a woman, then one must really understand that "breaking" a horse is nothing more than training a horse to trust that when a person gets on his back, that he has a job to do and will simply do it - that the rider will not harm him or cause him damage. The problem is the technique - it can be done cruelly in which the horse obeys out of fear, or it can be done through trust, after which the horse has a totally different personality that if he is trained through fear.

There are many, many ways to guide a submissive....to give her the control she craves...to help her learn self control and responsibility for her own actions without carrying the guilt of the world on her shoulders....to give her the structure (Padrone calls it a framework) for her life that helps her remain contained and controlled...without breaking her. Guide her, train her if you use that terminology, show her, help her....but look at what I typed....in my opinion, the guidance itself should be all about her.

Sounds backwards, doesn't it? But frankly, if a Dominant simply wanted "a" submissive, and not "the" submissive, then it wouldn't matter who wore his collar or knelt at his feet. So it should be about meeting her where she is, accepting her *as* she is, and guiding her into the best she can be. This can be done through building trust, accepting, loving....in other words, a positive manner...or it can be done through violence, intimidation, and fear. It happens out of the latter motives far, far too often.

I've seen others defining "breaking" as a totally different thing. It means something totally, absolutely different to them, and I call what they describe a totally different thing. I'm not commenting on those definitions, because they aren't my thoughts. I am simply typing what I feel and think about "breaking" a submissive as I define it.

And since my definition is what it is, it disturbs me at a very deep level to hear a submissive ask to be broken. I understand that craving for deeper, ever deeper, control and constraint. I understand the need to release all responsibility to the point that we don't have to think about anything, simply hear and obey and suffer no consequences unless we screw up. I understand that. I understand that need to be rescued and taken care of, to be forced rather than to admit that we need, what we need. But the bottom line is that we, none of us, can live that way for long.

If a submissive does not take responsibility for making choices for herself other than to relieve herself of all power, control, and responsibility, then she does not consent to be in a D/s relationship. That relationship is not consensual. It is not "TPE". It is not Master/slave. It is simply a submissive with a "victim mentality" who needs that control in her life but who does not want to face the consequences for anything negative that may happen in a relationship. She doesn't want to say "I need this" because if she did then she would have to take responsibility if she becomes involved with the "wrong" man, or if something happens that she really *doesn't* want. Or if she doesn't say "no" to something harmful....if she has been "broken" then she is absolved of all responsibility.

I am a firm believer that a person who can overcome that mentality and begin to truly take full responsibility for her life, even after she is in a D/s relationship (even moreso then - no excuses, just "man up" and take responsibility for screw ups), then she is one of the strongest people I have ever met. And I touched on just how difficult this kind of strength is in a previous post. This is the kind of strength that is hard, so hard, to accept about ourselves as submissives because it means we have no choice but to accept that kind of responsibility. That's exactly opposite of what we want, mostly.

But I have long said that we cannot give to someone else that which we do not have, whether it is control (as in self-control, and that's a topic for another blog post), responsibility, power, or whatever D/s is all about for you.

This is exactly why, to me, "breaking" a submissive leaves a "broken" person, and the obstacles that "broken" person must overcome in order to be healthy and happy, or as healthy and happy as she can be. Guide me, lead me, show me what you want, including the emotions and the attitudes you desire in me....but please, please do not break me. Leave me whole and healthy, and better than I was when you found me.

Padrone, these thoughts are likely not new to you, although I may not have ever expressed them just this way before. But once again you can see just how much I appreciate how you are, and why I am deeply grateful for how you have always treated me with utmost respect. You give all you have ever asked of me (except things in my ass, but hey, I'm not complaining!)...and have treated me as you expect to be treated. Padrone, one day you may get tired of me saying how grateful I am to be yours, but I am never going to tire of saying it, of feeling it, of showing you just how much you mean to me. No, I'm not one of those women who give all and feel eternal gratitude when someone is nice to her or treats her halfway decently. You are the one who has shown me who I can be and even who I am. I am grateful from a place of strength, my love, and not weakness. That makes me feel even more, ever more, grateful for the guidance and leadership you have given to me for all these years. I love you, Padrone. Forever.

Our kind of exchange

Well, once again spirited got me thinking with her most recent post: here . In that post she talks about TPE, a subject i typically stay well away from because frankly, i don't give a flying flip what our relationship is called, as long as it works for us. Labels don't really mean that much to me, in terms of defining our relationship, but when i first became interested in D/s long ago, i struggled to find definitions that worked and made sense to me.

i may not have a lot of common sense, but even a novice like i was saw that many of the philosophies that were being spouted by folks in the "lifestyle" were totally unrealistic for so many ppl to be involved in it.

i do understand that i may be "nit-picking", because of my thoughts about what is "exchanged" in a M/s relationship, but the one philosophy that is so often referred to as "true D/s", and that truly makes no sense to me whatsoever is TPE. i realize that it may seem to be quite a fine line that i am drawing in my own definition of what happens when one begins, and maintains, a M/s relationship, but what has always been the case in my relationships, and also in the successful relationships i have always known about, is that it isn't POWER that is exchanged - especially "totally".

If i gave Padrone all power, that would mean i was totally powerLESS, correct? If i were powerless, then how could i perform a job? How could i pay my bills? How could i raise my children? How could i even dress or wash clothes or clean the house without His power to tell me what to do and when to do it? That is unrealistic even in a live-together kind of relationship, as MOST folks will admit! And of course, there is always the argument that i could "beg permission" to go to work, as if that would be denied - lol!

And those facts would be true, even if we lived in the same household. There are things that each of us do, because we *are* separate entities, and Padrone cannot live my life and His as well. And He can't do it even when we are living together, and i would hate it if He tried! 

So what i learned long ago, something that makes FAR more sense to me than a total POWER exchange, is that it isn't power at all that is "given", it is the authority to exert power in my life. Yes, theoretically, Padrone could require me to beg permission to go to work, or to do a load of clothes, or to have a cup of coffee or what to make for dinner. But realistically that is all hogwash. i understand that many Masters micromanage far more than Padrone does, and that many slaves need that kind of micromanagement far more than i do. But frankly, nobody has total power over another person, even if they keep them caged and bound - unless they simply choose to let them die for lack of nourishment or water, of course.

Ugh, way too far "out there" for what i hoped to say today.

i have long believed that the most healthy relationships have balance in all areas, even M/s relationships (which many folks refuse to accept, but it's true). A Master can only control that which the slave gives Him authority *to* control. It is my thought, and has been confirmed in every HEALTHY relationship i have ever encountered, that no Master will choose to control everything in a slave's life. Every little thing that a slave does that isn't expressly by her Master's "will" or "permission" confirms my theory that POWER can never be totally exchanged ... and that authority can, and is, but is often not exerted.

For us, one example is my kids. Padrone doesn't involve himself in the raising of my kids, although He will, and does, offer insights and opinions and suggestions when i am at a loss what to do. That's a mutual choice, btw, just so y'all don't think i am depriving Padrone of an area of authority in my life which He would wish to have control over.


But in general, the strength of the power of a Master, or the level of His authority, is equally matched by the strength and depths of the slave's submission. It is when that balance is disrupted that problems happen, imho. But nobody can force me to do what i don't submit to do, except in the case of abuse - this is NOT a post about abuse, but about a healthy M/s relationship. As trust grows, so the submission deepens. If trust is disrupted, then the submission is harder to give.

In general, in all types of relationships, it is when the relationship is balanced....mutual everything - respect, trust, love, acceptance, support....that they are strong, healthy, positive relationships. And so, to me, the idea of TPE is very attractive to some in this lifestyle, but totally unrealistic in practice. Nobody, even the "lowliest of slaves", is totally powerless, but she *may* have no authority to  make decisions in her life. Being powerless implies lack of ability, having no authority means lack of opportunity.

And i guess that's the whole point. i don't have the opportunity to decide if i am going to do that which i am restricted from doing, or not do what i have been required to do - without serious consequences that is. i *do* have the power to do it - if i couldn't then there would be no reason for any type of punishment in our relationship.

i don't know, maybe it is simply that TPE *sounds* so enthralling to those of us who do what we do. Maybe it is that it is the "accepted" term by so many who expound their views loudly over the internet and in books, etc. Maybe it's the "experts" who have thrown this term together and chosen to shove it down our throats, and it's easy to accept what others say, rather than forge our own paths.

But for me...and for us....i am valued partly *because* of my ability to live my life without being micromanaged...the ability to make my own choices at times, all the while striving to live as pleasing to my Master as possible, given the restrictions that distance creates.

Padrone, this line of thought has really made me start thinking, even more than usual. (i know You're ecstatic to hear that *sarcasm, sarcasm*) Trust and balance and submission and authority and all the basics - i need to revisit them i think - and i know You know why. Thank You for the value You place on me, and on our relationship....and i love You more than my actions lately have shown.

i truly am Yours, and gratefully so.

humiliation revisited

Well, lately i have had some major breakthroughs when it comes to humiliation. i need it, i crave it, at the hands of Padrone of course....and i trust Him implicitly, and i believe He is coming to trust me in the same way, which has been at least part of the breakthrough even though i hate to admit it.

i trust Him enough to BE the worst i can be, and know that He doesn't think of me that way but that He also needs to treat me that way. When i realized how much He also needed it, and that He couldn't explain that need any better than i could explain my own need, it really helped me to see realistically...simply because He may call me a worthless fuckpig, doesn't mean that He actually thinks of me that way. It pleases Him, it feeds something inside of Him, to see me on my hands and knees, lapping the piss He has peed on me that has pooled on the floor before me, His hands gripping my udders as i beg for His cock, my hips humping like the animal i have become.

He has a need to reduce me to my basest instincts, to simply be holes to fuck, and to NEED with an indescribable desperation, to be fucked by Him...to need Him for all, for everything, for even the most basic needs - for EVERY basic need, as much as possible in this long term relationship. And i do.

Being humiliated gives me yet another outlet for expressing how deeply i need Him for everything. If He takes me to a certain level of humiliation, i need more....if He makes me worthless for anything other than His use, His pleasure, His whim.... then i crave to be even more worthless....to focus on His pleasure with the singlemindedness of being nothing more than His pig, His bitch, His whore, His meat to use, His holes to fuck or to tease or to fill.

What i am trying to say is that, if He chooses, or needs, for me to be worthless for anything except His pleasure, and to feel worthless in that until He expresses it with His orgasm, and even if it isn't a sexual release for Him - even if He merely wants me to feel that way "just because", then i yearn to be as worthless as possible, to become nothing, as close to nothing as i can, to be - not just to feel but to *be* - as meaningless to Him as a speck of dust. i crave to be whatever He needs, period, to make Him find more and deeper pleasure in owning me.

The interesting thing to me is the dynamic that is a result of those needs. He needs to be as powerful as possible, and there really are times when making me feel worthless, useless, stupid, and silly accomplishes that. His control is unwavering, His power as well, but just as sometimes the need to express the control is strong, so sometimes is the need to express the *power* that comes with the control. Not sure if that makes sense or not, but i understand it anyway!

What it does for me when He makes me feel that way is to enhance the need to please, to find *some* way to give pleasure even as worthless as i am, and the gratitude that i can't ever express fully simply deepens even more. It makes me yearn and strive harder to serve and to please.

Why gratitude? Well that's a difficult question to answer, but i'll try with what i've sorted through so far. First, it's the surface kind of emotion, the gratitude that even though i'm worthless (i know i'm being a bit redundant with that word, but i don't know how else to say this, concisely at least), He still uses me, finds pleasure in using me. That one is kind of obvious i guess. i mean, even though i am shamed and humiliated, He still wants to use me. It's kind of the accepted sort of explanation.....He saw me as i have seen myself for so many years, and He wants me anyway.

And that is very important in the dynamic, in feeding the gratitude.

But, for me, it is even more deep than that. This man knows me so well. He knows what i would find deeply humiliating. He knows what i would struggle with. He knows what i have said in the past that i can't do. He knows what i still can't do. He has held His needs in check until i broached the subject myself, and until i expressed that i can, indeed, do or take almost anything He needs to do or say to me. For years this man has not taken all He could, all He had a right to, simply for my sake. Yes, Padrone, i know it is common sense not to harm Your slave, but as You could probably predict, i will say that not many would do that, or not for over 3 years at least. Not many men *could* do it.

But You saw my heart, came to realize and to trust that i truly do yearn for Your pleasure more than my own, and that i do everything within my power to please and to serve You as You need, want, and deserve. Your patience in waiting for me to be ready to offer what is almost the last thing i could ever offer, is tremendous, and it is like a warm blanket of comfort and safety wrapped around me, even in the midst of humiliation. i *know* You will never harm me, and i think You finally realize that if i am put into a place that is difficult for me to deal with, that i *will* work through it, and i will come through that place, that "fire", even more ready and able to give more to You. It has taken a long time for us to reach the level of trust we have now, and it has taken some very rough times as well. But i really think we are on the brink of a deepening of our relationship in ways that neither of us may be able to predict. i am excited about it, about giving more, about You taking more, about the enslavement deepening....or the ways i can express it deepening at least.

The bottom line, for me, is that no matter what You ask of me, even if it is to feel worth nothing more than to be an animal whose sole existence is to be fucked and used as You wish....then i will be the best animal i can be, to prove my worth in that, to....yes, i think that is it.

If, at times, my worth is in nothing more than to be debased, degraded, shamed, used... then i will glory in that worth and shine in my degradation, always needing more, until You have sated Yourself in my worthlessness. So it is something that is actually positive for me, it allows me to give in a different dimension, yet i still give all i can give, strive for perfection in worthlessness, to give and to serve and to please my Owner. i may not be able to express it at the time, but i do feel it. i couldn't ever figure out why i constantly needed *more*, even when the humiliation was less severe. i think i have now, and it is purely a need to please You deeply, and for some reason if it is done at my own expense, then it is more meaningful than otherwise. You have taken my body in harsh and demanding ways, and the next ... step, for lack of a better way to say it ... is to take my emotions in equally harsh and demanding ways...to use them as You do my body, as Your instrument, Your playground, Your toy.

So, please....use Your slave as deeply, as strongly, and in as humiliating ways as You wish to, need to, Padrone. Please allow Your property the opportunity to serve You as You wish, as You need, and as You so richly deserve.

i have no idea if that makes any sense at all, Padrone, but we can talk about it of course. i think what hit me so strongly this morning is that the wall truly *is* gone, and that, at least sexually (not sure how i would handle being humiliated in "normal" conversastion yet, but i'm working on it)....there is almost literally nothing i would not do or give for Your pleasure. i love You, and i need You, and i crave Your pleasure, Padrone.

The gratitude i feel can never be fully expressed. There is no way to give back to You, to repay all You have done for me. i am a totally different woman, because of You, not merely Your ownership, but Your acceptance of who i am, and the respect You show me even though You know my secret self. You are so good to me, and i am immeasurably grateful to You, my Master, my Owner, my Padrone.