When "good girl" is not enough

I've asked for help from Padrone regarding exercise. I can control my diet (for the most part) as evidenced by the lowering of my "bad" cholesterol by 50 points since October. All my labs look good, as a matter of fact. Other than the tendency to have lowered levels of some things that are easily raised through supplementation of diet, I'm pretty healthy. And of course, other than my weight.

I've been gaining weight lately, without any identifiable cause. Well, it could be one medication but I'm weaning off of it. Even all the supplements that were supposed to affect metabolism (among other health issues of course) did not prevent a weight gain. 16 pounds since October, even though my diet is healthier than it has ever been in my life. So I have asked Padrone to hold me accountable for exercising more, with set goals in mind, simply because accountability improves my discipline.

I know that Padrone's number one rule for me is to take care of myself. He isn't here, so he has to trust that I will do so, since he would definitely take care of me if he were here. But for some reason, even knowing that, I can't seem to exercise consistently. I'll walk, even for a few days, then will just...stop. And Padrone never really says anything, but I know he would like to see me exercise and get in shape...for looks yes but mostly for my health and my own self image. I know I would definitely feel more confident in myself if I felt that I looked better...looked the way I feel inside.

Padrone said to wait until after I saw the doctor last time, and I just haven't brought it up to him again. I am having a mental struggle with the fact that Padrone's pleasure, even his rule to take care of myself, is not enough to get me into exercise mode. And I do NOT like that about myself.

Not that I find every rule easy to follow, or pleasurable, or even beneficial to myself. But I do love to walk (when I have music - maybe that's the problem, I haven't loaded music onto my phone), and I know it's beneficial to myself, but for some reason that isn't enough to get me going. So what do I do when "good girl", when his pleasure, is not enough?

Well, this time I've asked for definite accountability. It isn't that I think exercise should necessarily be a punishable offense, and after I (finally) get into a routine of it then I won't need as much micromanagement as I seem to need to get started. Even if it were a specific set of expectations, with built in consequences like the hourly messages and daily emails are, that would be something that I would find beneficial I believe, especially after I return to work and my time suddenly becomes much more limited. Am I really going to want to waste the time with consequences???? I sincerely hope not!

I'm also under medical supervision for my weight loss, so I'm not simply running "willy nilly" and following fad diet plans or listening to the latest internet exercise guru. For me, walking is effective - especially simply to get started - and I'll be able to add to it eventually when I'm working and can use the girl's workout room at the school. And yes, the coaches there would be able to help me train, so in effect I'm also getting both a gym membership and a personal trainer (or two) (or three) as a benefit! I just have to take advantage of it, as anyone with a gym membership would have to do!

I talk a good talk, don't I? But even at school, when the girl's workout room will be a few steps from my classroom, I still have to get there and do it. And...that is, for some reason, incredibly difficult for me to do.

So what do I do to for motivation when his approval and pride is not enough? I feel ashamed of myself, of my selfishness, while realizing that it's human nature to struggle with weight, exercise, motivation, and submission. And I ask for help.

Padrone, you mentioned last night about another area of my life that you would like to control, and we talked about some details of it and how hard it might be to do it - and that the consequences for forgetting will eventually be more severe than I've felt in a long time. I understand that asking for more is pretty darn selfish but that it is my responsibility to do so when I feel that I need it. I know we'll talk about this more, and I am glad.

You know just how hard it is for me to admit that your pleasure with my submission is not enough to motivate me to do something I know you would like for me to do. I've done so much introspection about this, my Padrone, as you may imagine, knowing me as you do. It isn't an easy thing for me to ask for more from you, because I know just how much you give to me already. But asking I am, and I know you will consider carefully, and have very real and valid reasons should you choose to refuse.

Padrone, thank you for being so understanding of my eccentricities and the ... bumps in my submission. I do adore you, my love, and I am incredibly, amazingly, proud to belong to you. Grazie, il mio meraviglioso Padrone.

A Slave's Value

Well, i didn't type a post last week, so i am typing two this week. This one may not be very deep or philosophical, though.

i've got a lot of thoughts running through my mind today but i know that i don't have the right mindset to type things here with any tact at all, so it's best that i don't type those things.

i will pose a question, though, and then state my own thoughts regarding it. If anyone else would like to chime in, great. If not, that's cool too.

Where does a slave's value come from? For instance, are we, as slaves, only of value if our Masters think we are? Do we only have the level of value that He places on us? Are we valuable in and of ourselves, or is that an assumptive kind of attitude for a slave to have?

In other words, are slaves supposed to feel valuable because of who they are, or because of what their Master says? And that would beg the question regarding unowned slaves then. Do they have no value of themselves?

Well, i think most everyone who has read this blog for very long understands that i appreciate the value Padrone places on me as a woman, and as a slave. i am His property, yes, but i am the Ferrari that is kept in stellar condition. i am human, and treated as "property" only at certain times, when the need is present, and valued as an owned woman. And i, like the Ferrari, have problems performing to expectations at times, but that in no way diminishes my value as a person. It merely means i need work.

Notice what i said.

Value as a PERSON.

The reality is that if i choose to give everything i am to Padrone, and yet i have no concept of myself as a valuable gift....then two questions come to mind. First, what sort of gift am i actually giving, if it's not a valuable one...if i don't consider it valuable? And secondly, how can i expect Padrone to value me, if i don't? i've given him a second-hand, beat up, irreparable bicycle and expect to be treasured as if i had given him a brand new Ferrari.

That's what i did when we first began our relationship. i gave what i could, at the time would have sworn it was "all i am". i didn't think it was a very worthwhile thing to give, of course, and it showed. But as i learned to trust that He did value me as a person, that He respected my thoughts, my opinions, my needs, my life's circumstances, my family, my work obligations, my financial situation, my dreams and desires and personality....then i slowly began to see that...heck, i'm not so bad after all.

i value myself, because of who i am. i need Padrone in so many ways, and honestly can't even imagine life without Him, but one thing i don't NEED from him in order to feel good about myself, is validation of my worth as a woman.

i need it, yes. i need to know that he values me, treasures me, holds me in high esteem and that i have a place in his heart and life that nobody else has ever had. i need to understand that he sees good in me, that he sees me in the way he does. Many times it is HIS view of myself that keeps me from sinking into the mire of mental self-abuse that i have struggled with all my life.

But i understand that, if i depended solely on HIS view for my feelings of worth, then i would be setting myself up for a huge fall.

See, he isn't perfect. He won't always be willing or even able to reassure me about things i may need reassurance about. He won't always be willing or able to be my "self-worth ATM" that i can go to, express a need for so much amount of self-worth, and out pops instant feelings of value! It just doesn't happen that way.

And one of the most important lessons i learned years ago is that, as a woman who is a slave, i am ultimately responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. i am responsible for who i am, what i say, how i act. Even if Padrone wants me to do things, if i see that they are potentially dangerous or harmful, and i don't let him know but do them anyway, then the responsibility for consequences is mine alone.

If we make good choices, we receive good consequences. Bad choices reap bad consequences. That's life. If we value ourselves for who we are, then we reap the consequences of improved confidence, self image, lowered stress levels, and clearer thinking - less doubting of ourselves. If we insist that our value comes solely from our Masters, then the consequences are potentially harmful emotionaly - emotional roller coaster...needs potentially not met....self esteem damaged even more...increased stress....and increased doubting of ourselves. It can't be any other way if we look for clues or statements of our very worth as people in another person's words and actions.

There is a philosophy in D/s circles that it takes a strong woman to submit to another person. But that thought is seldom expounded upon, and many Masters use it as a tool to pretend they value a slave, until they submit, upon which time they use the slave's submission against her and immediately try to change everything about her. They view confident slaves as "arrogant" or "not submissive" because they have thoughts and opinions that are valid and appropriate, and didn't come from a Master and aren't dependent upon a Master's approval to become valid. They seem to believe that a slave is not allowed to disagree with their philosophy or "training" in any way, and even go so far as to punish their slaves for "questioning them"!

But i will offer this thought - the best slaves are those who discover who they are, either while within a relationship or outside of one, but not BECAUSE of it or because of who their Master says they are......and then choose to use their strengths to strengthen their relationship....or to define the kind of relationship they seek. They see submission as a journey of self discovery as much as a journey of obedience. They see themselves as good, worthwhile individuals, and when their Master reiterates or even expounds on their worthiness, it strengthens what is already in place.

Even i had something to build upon, although i had no idea what it was at the time. i had something about which i felt confident. Padrone built upon the seeds of self worth in order to lead me into feeling them about many more areas of myself. He didn't CREATE them, or even try to make me believe he did. He simply showed me his view of me, and over the years i not only came to accept it, but understand that what he sees in me is actually there! In other words, the value was there already. It took Padrone to shine the tarnish off so that i could see it more clearly myself.

Padrone, i am grateful that You show me enough respect to allow me to find value in myself, and don't diminish me or insult my intelligence by trying to make me believe that i only have any value that You place on me. Thank You for trusting that i would learn to believe in myself more, and that i would eventually accept the worth of the gift i have given to You...NOT my submission, submission is not a gift it is an attitude....the gift is myself. And yes, it is indeed a very valuable one! Thank You for showing me, for reassuring me when i doubt, and for letting me learn to value myself.

What i will call wisdom, You will call common sense, and so i thank You for using Your common sense in such a wise way! Grazie, mio Padrone. Grazie.

The ultimate responsibility

So, yes, a Master assumes a deep level of responsibility for his slave when he collars her, i guess that's kind of a safe, and universal, assumption to make in regards to the kinds of relationships we embark upon.

But we give it to them, as we give control and authority to them. It's not a sudden, dramatic gesture "i'm the Master, i'm totally responsible for everything that happens to you from this moment on, because i control every move you make, and don't you forget it!!" Well, for some it may be that way, but for those of us who take this seriously and understand that we need a relationship of control and submission in order to be truly happy, then it doesn't work that way.

And while i understand that dynamic as best i can, what has really made me thoughtful over the past few days is the knowledge that we, as slaves, have as much of a responsibility towards our Master as they do towards us. It is merely expressed in a different way, and is far more difficult to see and understand. It's a very subtle dynamic when it works, and incredibly damaging to a relationship when it doesn't. What do i mean?

Well, i mean that we are as responsible for making our Masters happy as they are for keeping us safe and protected.

Think about this. When we, especially women (and especially american women) talk about being in love......or tell a man "i love you"...what we typically mean is "i have finally found someone who makes me amazingly happy and i just KNOW he's gonna make me happy forEVER! Oh man, look what i found! Yes, he is mine and i'm never letting him go!!!!

Oh yeah. i know. Ick.

Anyway, we just seem to forget what we're supposed to do when a man, especially a Master, gives us a piece of himself. What are we supposed to do with it? A lot of times we overlook it, and focus on obedience, on serving, on pleasing, on communication, on all the things that we know he wants from us. We don't want to be responsible for him, that's why we give responsibility for *ourselves* away *to* him! So often we see *that* as our ultimate responsibility to our Master - obedience and thoughtfulness and consideration and making him happy. Yes, we do those things as a way to express our personalities, our love, our joy, our gratitude, our appreciation for what we have, for who we have, for how happy he makes us.

But the reality is that, especially as time passes, our Masters are as vulnerable to "matters of the heart" as we are. Crazy isn't it?

Padrone opens himself up to me. He not only shows me parts of his personality that others don't see....shows me parts of himself nobody else knows about...and enjoys an intimacy with me that neither of us has ever before experienced....but as a necessity of those things, he makes himself vulnerable to me....more and more so as time has passed, of course, as he has learned to trust me to keep his heart as safe as he keeps mine. He not only wants me to open myself to him, as i thought for a long time.....i saw him as...taking what he wished from me, holding it safe and protected, and he does that quite well. But he also gives himself *to* me... filling the hole left by what he takes....with bits of himself...for me to keep safe and protected.

And that is my responsibility. i owe him my strength, my protection, my pride. i am obligated by love, by joy, by happiness, treat his heart as the treasure it is... and what an honor to be loved by such a man. i often focus on how he makes *me* feel...too often i think. i get so focused on my own emotions and the frustration of not feeling that i express them adequately. i adore when he tells me how he feels, and i need it, and i deeply appreciate it...i revel in it, i feel like a princess when he lets me know his emotions, not only because they are good towards me, but because i am deeply honored that he opens up to talk with me like that.

But i finally realize just what an honor that is, and with great honor comes great responsibility. i finally realize just exactly how my words and actions have affected him, and still affect him. And i have finally, over the course of the past few weeks, come to understand that i *do* have a responsibility to him, regarding everything in my life, not just the things i would prefer to be responsible for.

i know this is a vague topic, a vague post, Padrone. But i don't think i can really explain how i feel about this. The issue we had a few weeks ago, the miscommunication and misunderstanding, began to open my eyes about.... not only what i type here and how i type it, but even deeper things....that my words and actions really do affect You more than i ever dreamed, and yes, i am responsible for holding Your heart safe and protected...the bits of You that You have entrusted me with....and that means not only in active obedience and service, but also in less overt ways, like clear communication about emotions, thoughts, preferences, likes, dislikes, needs, inabilities....everything that affects me, also affects us. And that is what You need to know.

i think i finally get it, Padrone, or at least the bit i should have gotten by now. One thing i really value highly about our relationship is that we change and grow, albiet at a wonderfully slow pace most of the time nowadays, but that change and growth means that we will never fully "get it"...there is always something to learn, to experience, to understand about each other and about how we work. i am so deeply grateful to belong to You, my Master, and give all i have to the only one i trust to keep me safe.

i love You. i am Yours.

a myriad of thoughts...or something like that

i've been thinking.

There are several things i would like to type about here, thoughts running through my mind and experiences that i'd like to share. i don't know how to start, or really how *much* to share, but i'm sure there will be *something* here when i post it!

First, i am taking a break from reading blogs for a while. i am going to type here when i need/want to, but i won't be reading others' for a while.

Why?

Well, because what i see when i read some blogs is an arrogance - the owner of the blog types an opinion, and if someone comments something that contradicts that opinion, the commenter is blasted to the wall, metaphorically. And to be honest, it is usually about politics or religion or some variation thereof that it happens regarding. i am quite simply tired of it. i don't like the stress i feel after reading blog posts that seem designed to "stir the waters", and lately it has seemed to happen in blogs where i haven't seen it before. i'm tired of being surprised by stress in an activity that i used to find relaxing and thought-provoking.

*deep, relaxing breath*

i feel better already!

See, i have been thinking quite a bit about why i type here. i don't really have any specific goal for this blog....on the contrary, it is a place to type my thoughts, philosophies, and what goes on in our long distance relationship, nothing more. i mean, i am not putting thoughts here for anyone's benefit other than mine and Padrone's. If others want to read, fine. If not, fine. And if someone doesn't approve or whatever, that's fine as well.

The last thing i want is controversy and confontration and conflict, especially on a blog, and *especially* when i'm merely voicing my thoughts and philosophies and opinions.

So, i won't be reading others' blogs, stressing myself up with untyped thoughts responding to provocatively written posts. i initially, and apparently naively, began reading others' blogs to try to gain some insight into others' relationships, and of course, into my own. Exposure to thoughts, relationships of others can help expand my own way of thinking and my own submission, not to mention giving me ideas of how to serve Padrone better! But the good from it has ceased to outweigh the bad, at least recently, and so it's time to stop for a while. :)

The other thing on my mind is something i have been thinking about typing for a while now, and it's strictly a D/s topic, i promise! It's one that i have been thinking about for a while now - and now seems to be the right time to type these thoughts.

When a slave disobeys, there are always consequences, punishments that go beyond "feeling bad" or being upset that we've disappointed our Masters. That's obvious and part of what this lifestyle is all about, actually, accountability for slaves.

But there's an age-old question that always rankles in a slave's mind, especially when she's going through a very tough punishment, and *especially* if it is one that she feels is unfair! (yes, it happens, sorry)

What about *THEM*?

What happens when a Master screws up? And yes they do, even though it's sometimes hard for a submissive to acknowledge it and even harder for us to accept it. They make mistakes, they fail, they screw up, they punish too harshly, they don't always think things through, and so? What happens to *them* when *they* mess up?

They go through their own version of hell, that's what.

See, while we have the luxury of defined rules and expectations, and even if not well-defined, we learn enough about them to know what they expect in general. If we mess up, we have consequences then it's over, even when we beat ourselves up over it, we know that as long as we don't make that mistake again, we won't be punished again. It's black and white for us. We're fortunate in a lot of ways to have it so. It's what we want, what we crave, and what keeps us focused....someone in authority over us, to keep our lives in control since it isn't something we really want to do ourselves. We don't want the authority over ourselves, nor do we want the tremendous responsibility that comes with it.

So guess who gets that responsibility, as soon as He assumes authority? Yep, our Masters. So when HE makes a mistake, while He may not have to write lines or get His ass beaten, there are most definitely consequences for Him.

He goes through a process of "wondering"...who He is, how could He have made such a mistake, where did He go wrong? What we, as submissives, usually fail to understand completely is that when THEY make a mistake, it usually has consequences for US as well, and that is something they really beat themselves up about. They have chosen to protect us, to help us grow and to learn to trust them with our lives and livelihoods, and what? They hurt us in return? Tell me that isn't something that would weigh on *your* mind if you were in that position as well.

And, while i really dislike being compared to being a child, in reality when we allow someone to be responsible for our welfare, we are becoming child-like in that aspect....which means that comparing our Masters' role to the role of a parent is apt and appropriate. i know how it feels to make mistakes that affect my kids, that hurt them or put them in a bad situation. i know the self-recriminations that can follow - of course i am sure that, since i have self-recrimination down to an art form, i do it *better* than most of y'all!

It's hard to know that we've hurt those we love in any way. But when we are responsible for them, it hurts even more. i know it depends on the severity of the mistake, but usually we have a time of self-doubt and wondering...not why we made a mistake, but wondering why we didn't think things through, what did we miss that created such a problem...things like that. It's the same for a Master when dealing with His slave.

My point is that in an M/s relationship, the accountability factor can seem unfair to an outsider, to someone who doesn't understand the dynamics of authority and responsibility that are the core of any relationship like this. But both of us are held accountable by HIM. HE is accountable to Himself, and He acts according to His standards, His honor, and His integrity. His sense of responsibility keeps His actions where they should be by His own standards, and it also keeps ours there as well. (On a side note, but not entirely off the subject....if you see a Dom/Master acting like a jerk, arrogant and demanding and demeaning....that says a lot about His standards and honor and integrity, in my opinion. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks".)

It seems out of balance, skewed, but the whole point is that responsibility is what drives most Masters, and when they fail in their responsibility, who better to punish them than themselves?

i am sure there are other ways that they suffer consequences for their mistakes, not the least of which is knowing that we have suffered for them as well. i guess that is really the biggest factor...It's hard to get my mind around Padrone suffering when i am miserable...i hate even *thinking* about it...but i know it is true. It kind of makes what we do pale in comparison, doesn't it? Actually, it is very similar to the way we feel when we have disappointed them...only on a much larger scale. That's hard for us to imagine, but see...while our actions disappoint them, they don't always *harm* them emotionally. If Padrone makes a mistake, He could harm me....that's why He is usually so very careful and why His mistakes are few and far between...because when He does make one....it is upsetting to us both. i think that's probably the worst punishment ever, and one that Padrone never avoids if He does make a mistake. He takes responsibility and "owns up to it" and asks my forgiveness. What a concept....and maybe that's the most difficult thing....the most appropriate "punishment" for a mistaken Master....

*ponders*

i don't know, though, i kind of like the idea of Padrone writing lines! *teasing, only because i got so involved with typing this that i missed a text and have to write lines today sometime, darnitall*

Padrone, thank You for sharing with me, the little You did, that gave me a deeper insight into Your thoughts when You make a mistake. i know i can't ever know exactly what You go through emotionally when You make a mistake, and as i have said before, i don't want to know it all. But knowing the main thoughts helps me to know that it isn't strictly "business as usual"...that is what breeds resentment in so many submissives towards their Doms when they are punished. You are so good to me - You give me so much, so much of Yourself, and yes....i will keep it safe, absolutely safe, for You...

my Love.

my Owner.

my Padrone.

i am Yours.