Freedom and brattiness.....not freedom TO brat

Today there have been some challenges, especially for someone who can be as scatterbrained as i am. The only one i'll mention, and that merely for the sake of explaining typos, is that my old keyboard went kaput, and it caused problems with my mouse as well, i guess because they were connected to the same port. The old keyboard i loved - it was a natural style keyboard, but i knew there was a short in the wire somewhere, and have known it for a w hile, but i don't want to spend the money on a new natural one just now, so i am using the "straight" keyboard that came with my computer when i bought it. i don't like it, mainly because it is an adjustment that i didn't want to make! It is more difficult to type on, when one is used to the curved, "natural" keyboard.

Anyway.......

i've been thinking of a couple of things i wanted to type about here, and i'm not sure any of them will make sense...but that's not the entire point of this blog, actually.

Padrone asked me the other day, what my thoughts on submissives and loving freedom are. i elaborated a little bit, but that question made me think long and hard about some things. First, freedom as defined in the D/s world, is not the only definition that applies to submissives. i remember when Padrone first saw me - i not only was a whore, but i was proud to be able to choose when and who i scened with. i, as so many do, considered myself free...and in so many ways i was. i was responsible for my own choices, for the good or the bad. i accepted that responsiblity and i honestly think *that* is what set me apart from other submissives who consider themselves "free". Free, in terms of D/s, means nothing more than being unowned. Free does NOT mean that a submissive has a right to act in ways that are offensive, intrusive, rude, or in any other way unbecoming. Yes, i strongly believe that there is a code of ethics when it comes to this lifestyle, just as there are among people grouped for other reasons than D/s.

What do i consider true freedom? Well that has been described in many ways, and it is something that i honestly believe has to be experienced to be fully understood. But for me, freedom is in being able to release and surrender control, the control that i don't want to have in the first place, to the One who i have learned not only desires to control me as deeply as i need for Him to, but who also accepts the responsibility that comes along with that level of control. See, that, i think, is the biggest thing many submissives need to release... responsibility. i know that, ultimately, we are each responsible for our own actions, but as trust between Dom and submissive grows, so can the level of control, because the submissive will be more and more ready and eager to obey, once she knows that the Dom will not cause her harm.

For me, i can think of nothing more fulfilling than to know that i can do the things Padrone requires of me, and know that if for some reason they aren't working out, that He will take responsibility for the results and make changes so that they *do* work out. As long as i fulfill my obligation to inform Him of my circumstances, i don't have to think about more than that. It isn't my concern anymore. He wants control, He takes responsbility for the control He has, and guess what? i'm free to simply obey and do His will. Does that make me mindless, a doormat? That was my fear for a very long time....but it in no way does. What happened when i finally accepted that line of thinking and truly began to submit to Him, is that He was able to challenge me, push me, help me grow as a submissive of course, but even more as a woman - which should be every Dominant's goal in my humble opinion.

So what does that mean for those who aren't in a position to be free in that way, but who are free in the unowned way?

It means that since nobody outside herself controls her, that she MUST control herself. It means that since nobody outside herself is responsible for her actions, she MUST be responsible for her own. It means that since she has no owner to help her maintain proper behaviors, she MUST learn and accept what proper behavior is for the group she has chosen to be a part of, and she must act accordingly. If she doesn't, then she can't expect others to respect her, to accept her, and to not judge her. She will be attractive to a certain kind of Dom, but the ones who wish to own a girl, to truly own her and not just have "online jewelry"on a girl's nick....won't be attracted to her.

That brings me to another thought. i have seen in channel a couple of discussions about what it means to be a brat. There are girls who are so proud of being a brat that they put it in their descriptions, an "in your face" kind of statement that says "this is how i am, i ain't changing for nobody, so THERE!"

Now, truthfully, if a girl is smartass, disobedient, making her own choices about her own behavior, showing tremendous disrespect to most folks with a capped nick, intruding with ugly comments into ongoing scenes, and being silly and giggly just for attention.....AND states that she's proud of her behavior....what does that tell a Dominant who is looking for a submissive to own?

Being a brat is, in my opinion, nothing more than choosing to have no self control. It's hard to not type things without the motivation of making someone proud of her restraint. Is it TOO hard not to? Or is it sheer laziness that makes some folks proud of their bratty behavior? And what is funny to me is that so many of those brats want to top from the bottom when they DO find someone who wants to try with them....it's their nature, and they were attractive enough for the Dom to "own" them, why should they bother to change now?

When bratty behavior is accepted, and encouraged, in a forum such as an IRC channel, it is detrimental to the formation of relationsips, truly D/s relationships, as well as to the channel itself. Again, this is only my opinion, nothing more. But it has been both my observations, and my experiences, that have created such an opinion.

i was very lucky in that Padrone saw beyond the image i was trying to project. i don't know how or why, and i'm not sure He would say the same. But knowing Him as i do, i do know that so many of the behaviors i exhibited aren't acceptable to Him, but He still wanted me. He saw me beyond the behaviors, and of course they changed......it wasn't by choice...but as i submitted to Him, even before being His, i finally found true freedom.

Thank You, Padrone, for helping me turn from sassy, reckless whore, into being the schiava You are proud to own....the one born to serve You....and who has chosen to do so as fully as she can.

attitude and actions

It's been a while since i have taken the time to sit and type here, so i'm sure some folks have lost interest. That's alright, i find myself tending to type here for myself more than for any other reason. This really is a good way for me to clarify some thoughts, and even seeing things in words helps me to prioritize sometimes. Y'all have no idea the many times things are typed and deleted and i have repented within myself for attitudes that are never seen.

Maybe that's what i should type about today.

Not lately, because things have been on "auto pilot" to a degree simply because of factors in both of our lives that have prevented us from doing more than maintaining the status quo (a pretty dog-gone good status quo, i should definitely add), but there have been times, mainly when things change faster than i want them to, or when He pushes me in ways i don't want to go, that i develop a stinking rotten attitude.

Usually He never knows just how bad it is, though.

Usually i am able to type, either here or in email, and purge a lot of negative emotions before He ever sees anything i have typed. i delete all the purging things, of course. Why is that important? Many Doms and Masters say they want to know whatever their slave/sub is feeling. Padrone says that i may feel whatever i want to feel, but that it is how i behave while feeling the things that is important. So if i feel that i can't help but say negative things...even rant and rave about something.....i am allowed to do so. i'm allowed to act however i want to act. The catch is that if i act badly towards HIM, then i will be punished and rightfully so.

My point is this: one reason our relationship is strong and deep and can handle short periods of "autopilot" when necessary is because bad attitudes, His and mine, are very typically temporary - we choose to have good attitudes rather than bad ones. If i were the type to whine and complain every time something didn't go my way, or if i felt He was asking "too much" of me, or something like that....then our relationship wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving. The times i FEEL that way, i usually make a choice to not ACT that way. i type and delete, or type and save and go back later and laugh at myself for the way i felt....THEN delete!

Sometimes it feels that if i don't let Him know how hard things are, that i will burst. And sometimes i go way too far in the other extreme, and i remember His desires for my life to be "interesting", and i wait until i am about to break down before i say anything about how hard things are. That happened a while back. i had changed jobs, and the new one was more demanding in some ways than the other one was. The rules that were in place were making things really difficult for me, but i wouldn't say anything to Him until i just....well, basically broke down, collapsed, i'm not sure how to word it. What did He do? He thought about what i was saying, gave me a short reprieve while He considered options, and then He came up with a creative solution that works for both of us....an alteration to what was in place.

So what i am trying to say is that i work very hard sometimes to find the balance that works, when it comes to "attitude" and circumstances. Complaining isn't a good thing, but informing of things that are creating such a hardship that it affects my job performance, my duties as mother, or as slave....is my duty and is not complaining (even if i still view it as such, i am working to overcome it).

Even with that knowledge, it is so often HOW i word things that matters, that is as important as what i say. Even if i consider myself informing of knowledge that He should know about my circumstances, if it is said with a bad attitude, then what good does it do? Sure, i got my point across, but at what expense? If nothing else it created tension between us that is/was unnecessary.

So as i said in the beginning of this post, there are many, many things that i type that He never sees. So many things i just vent with words here or in email...."WHY did You do that? Can't You see how it hurt ME? Don't You CARE? i can't take it anymore! i can't handle this, or i can't deal with that".....and i feel that way when i'm typing it. Sometimes i feel that way when i type what He actually SEES. But the only way He would know i have an attitude that isn't what He might want me to have, is if i type words that sound more curt or formal than usual. Then He knows that i'm upset about something, even if He doesn't know what.

He also trusts that i will either calm down enough to bring it up to Him with a decent attitude, or i will get over it. If i don't, then He will ask about it, but that usually doesn't have to happen.

i have to say that long distance relationships do create the space for each of the partners to calm down and think before responding to emotional correspondence. It doesn't always happen, but usually we make that choice. That is one reason our relationship is so strong and so deep.....we choose to respect each other....and act respectfully as well.

Padrone, thank You for Your patience. You have to be the most patient man i have ever had the honor of knowing, and i am one blessed slave to belong to You. Thank You for choosing to discuss the difficult things with me. Thank You for showing Your love for me in more ways than i ever dreamed one could. Thank You, my Owner, for it all.

Just a post to let folks know i haven't disappeared or given up on my blog. There has been little time and/or energy lately to type here i'm afraid.

There has been a lot going on for both Padrone and me in the places where we live, and this blog has felt the effects of that i'm afraid.

i haven't given up, but i also have always maintained that i will only type here when i am able to, and when there is something to say. Lately neither of those have happened. :)

i do have a new rule now that i need to list here. i am to ask permission before wearing any jewelry at all now. It's hard, because although i don't wear much jewelry, when i do wear it it is usually a habit or a last minute decision to do so.

Anyway, i hope to type more here another time. This is one of the aspects of a long distance relationship, however....that each of the parties involved play a juggling act to keep their focus on each other, and on the relationship, when life where they live gets hectic.

i love You, Padrone.

Forward Motion

There is a song that my kids listen to, and me by default, which includes the lyrics "cause i struggle with forward motion....we all struggle with forward motion....cause forward motion is harder than it sounds......well everytime i gain some ground....i gotta turn myself around again". There are more, of course, but these particular ones i relate to in a major way, especially lately.

i think i'm personally in one of those "turning myself around again" stages. Growth is difficult, whether personal or in a relationship, and it involves things that i sometimes don't want to do. Lately i have gone back and read some things, logs and old emails, even posts on my "private" blog that i don't have a need to post in anymore. i now wonder why i did it.

Sometmes that kind of thing is productive. But sometimes it brings up all the old emotions, and requires the ability to throw those off and look at it as where we've come from, rather than how i felt then. That is easy sometimes, but much of the time it isn't. i guess i'll always be affected by some things that happened early in our relationship. i guess both of us will.

"too many turns have turned out to be wrong....this time i learned that, i knew it all along"

Forward motion isn't easy, but it is necessary. Hindsight serves its purpose, but it is the looking ahead and even at the present if looking ahead is too difficult, that will keep a relationship healthy and those in it happy. And it takes both partners doing that, not just one. If one looks behind, holds onto old thoughts and the emotions resulting from them, then there can be no forward motion. That is what i do too often, but i am fortunate for a patient and wise Padrone, who not only gives me space to do that kind of thing now and then, but also helps pull me out when i am there, in a way that is quite effective, but which lets me know how much He cares.....not only about me, but about *us*. That is what i think i need reassurance about more than anything, sometimes. But not lately....that's just a general statement.

Lately it has been other things that have been hindering my forward motion. He seems so flexible, where i seem far more rigid...in some things at least. There are things He tells me, about which He says "i never thought you would have to be told this", but which i obviously do. It works to be told, but it also makes me feel stupid somewhat...lol. Well, i *was* stupid, somewhat. He has also revised certain rules, keeping them in place, but allowing them to fit my life in a way that allows me to serve Him better. It was necessary, even i admit it, though i hate to admit the necessity of it happening.

Because of things that have changed where i live, He has had to give more consideration to me than i am comfortable with, mainly because it wasn't necessary before. We are learning to adjust to these new changes, both of us, but it is easier for Him in some ways, because He is far more easily adaptable to changes than i am. But He is teaching me, with His words and actions and example, and i am learning to trust that change isn't always bad....

Just more forward motion.

Thank You, Padrone, for caring for me, about me, and for showing me how valuable i am to You.

new rule

Recently i listed my rules, the ones Padrone has in place for me. One i forgot, and there is a new one as well. So here goes:

The rule i forgot is that i am not allowed to cross my legs. This one is quite difficult, although i long ago developed that habit to an extent, i gave no thought to when i was lying in bed, or crossing the ankles, or such. So it has been another challenge, one that Padrone knows is a strong one, since girls are taught to cross legs from a young age, and i'm not a young age anymore...lol..lots of time to practice crossing them!

The new rule may take a bit of explaining. i know, i clarify everything before i type it, but this one really does need a little preamble, i think.

Recently, Padrone allowed me to register at a slave registry - www.slaveregister.com for those who are curious where. There, once registered, a slave is assigned a number. This is a permanent number, and is unique to the slave forever. So my new rule is that i am to have that number written on my body, somewhere, at all times. It's a strange feeling, actually, to be marked this way. i love it, and it truly enhances my slavery, and the requirement to remember this. To mark myself as slave physically, daily, has revealed itself to be something deeply meaningful for me.

There is more i can type, but i need to go for a while now. Thank You, Padrone, for....everything. You make me thrive.

Just a few thoughts

Some things are just too private and personal to share here, of course. i won't even go there, but i think maybe i can type something about an epiphany of sorts, although i think that is too....definitive.....a word to use to describe what is happening within me. It's been far too gradual to be an epiphany, even if the thought itself hit me "upside the head" as we say down south.

Those who know us know that Padrone and i are close. i am forever commenting that i don't know how we could get any closer, and yet.....we always seem to grow even more close as time passes, and as we work at our relationship. And yes, even though we know each other well, we still work on our relationship. i am proud that neither of us is complacent about it. Neither of us take the other for granted, and if we seem to, there is always a "door" open; communication is something we both value highly, and both do well (when He wants to, of course).
He always seems to want to when it is important, isn't that amazing? lol

The point of what i am trying to say today is that there are certain things He says that.....i don't always hear the true meaning of. Usually i'm pretty good at it, except when He says positive things about me. Again, it's a result of some history, things happening in the past that He has had to deal with and feel repurcussions of, even though He doesn't even come close to deserving it. Basically, no matter how much i think i trust Him, there is always, ALWAYS, part of me that holds back. i mentioned a part yesterday that i am not sure i can ever change, but i am grateful that He accepts that possibility, even though i know He holds hope that i can.

For the first time in my life, even with my family, when someone says to me "I love you", there is no stated or even implied "but" attached to the end of it. Even when He doesn't say the words, even when He says other words, or when His actions show His feelings, i know, and finally accept as fully as i can at this time, that He means just exactly that. He loves me. The only thing that follows that statement or thought is a period. There is no "but" followed by reasons i'm not really loveable or acceptable after all. He doesn't make me feel unworthy, ever, especially while making statements of love. He doesn't make me feel that i should be eternally grateful that He loves me, and that nobody else would have me because of how bad a person i am. He doesn't make me feel, even when He's upset with me, that i'm on the verge of being released, or that He will stop loving me because i have upset Him. Those thoughts of being on the verge of release and that He will stop loving me because He is upset with me, come solely from me, and yes they are also repurcussions from past relationships that He has to deal with.

i will never forget, nor will i ever cease to be grateful for, what You have given me, Padrone. And when i think of all the things You have had to deal with, and yet You never gave up, even though You may have been tempted during some tough times.....You saw the same thing i did, the thing that didn't let us give up....You saw the potential for a strong, fulfilling relationship with the kind of slave You always wanted, and i saw the same with the kind of Master *i* had always wanted.

Now You know where those thoughts come from, Padrone. That doesn't make them any less of a fear, although i am working on that too. Understanding, for me, is the first step in overcoming the fears. my wonderful Padrone, You collared a girl with a ton of baggage to cause You problems, but Your patience, love, acceptance, and consistancy is helping to empty the trunks, and allow me to let go of so many things and really belong to You. It keeps getting deeper, and stronger, and more wonderful as time goes by.

Thank You, my Master, for more than i could ever put into words.

And it grows even more deep....

i am not sure that today's post will make much sense, as it seems to me that there is just a huge jumble of words in my mind just bursting to be poured out on you unsuspecting folks. So please be warned, this one is probably going to be a bit deep.

If any of y'all were around last night in the channel in IRC that we go to, You saw something that was, on the surface, quite boring, but which one slave described as poetry....as did Padrone, afterwards. i said magic, but hey, what do i know?

What happened was far more than i can hope to put into words. Maybe i shouldn't try. But i know me, and i know i have no choice but to make the attempt at least. If it makes no sense, then so be it, but i will have at least expressed the little i can.

All that happened, on the surface, was that after i had been kept horny all day, He teased and tormented me as i humped and fucked air, total whore for His pleasure, until He brought me over His lap, kissed me and gently let me down a bit.....then ordered me to cum, as the storm was passing, bringing the storm back to the forefront, the orgasm more strong a release than i can explain. Simple torment of a slave by her Master, right? Yes, but....

The underlying dynamics that others saw a glimpse of, but which literally left me speechless afterwards, were deep and strong. His control, the unique way He has of playing me like a fine instrument, creating the symphony He loves and needs to hear, is a beautiful thing to experience, and seems to be quite moving to watch as well based on the response we have gotten at IRC at least. But last night there was more....He revealed Himself to me in a way that He rarely does, and which i am more than grateful that He can do. His tenderness...that i see in Him in so many ways, but which He seldom consciously expresses, was more moving than i can begin to explain. It is as He says, i suppose, that it is more special because it is so rare. i asked if maybe i should stop showing my emotions quite so freely, so that the expression of them would be more special to Him...lol.

His tenderness....and how freely and naturally He expressed it.....triggered something in me, something that i am not sure i have finished really .. seeing through, for lack of a better term. But when we talked, i had no choice but to offer everything to Him. As i told Him, it isn't that i have no limits now, or that my limits are His....what it is, is that my limits exist in His imagination. He tested me, and i won't say how, but....He wanted my reaction to things He said "and if i asked you to...." regarding. He also had me do something physically that i had listed in my limits list when we first met, and which He has never even played online before. No, it wasn't easy. But the choice of whether it ever happens again is His. He now knows it fully.

But there were also things i thought of later that i am not sure i could truly give if He chose to take. Well, one thing anyway....and that is sharing Him. i am "getting there" intellectually regarding flirting and teasing. i see it for what it is and don't try to make it something it isn't, for the most part anyway. But the thought of....sharing the intimacy....the deep closeness.....i can't even bear to think about Him like that with another submissive. So, when i was allowed to call Him this morning, i brought that exception to the "everything i will do" and "nothing i won't do" for Him that i stated so clearly last night. That, i know, wasn't something that had even crossed His mind, but as i said, it is a very real problem for me. i could hear His smile, and i won't say His response, but it was quite natural and .... well, not even reassuring, it was a simple fact. Such a wonderful, giving man i belong to.

The only thing i really fear, as far as our relationship is concerned, is that i will lose Him to another. Yes, He did chuckle when i told Him that, because i do know, quite well, that He is as full of me, of what i give Him, as i am of what He gives me. i know that His one experience with owning two slaves at once wasn't a good one for Him, but i fear being replaced as well. i can't imagine it happening....if it does, it will take someone quite incredible to draw His attention from the fulfilling relationship we have now. Yes, i know, such a contradiction. i know things, yet i fear the opposite. Oh well, such is the way this slave's mind works.

i also had another thought, one that i didn't reveal to Him earlier but which i did mention having. i finally realized a few things about some tendencies i have, not that it will help me to change them, but....well, as i learned, understanding is vital to me. (Thank You again, Padrone, for understanding and accepting that.)

i realized that my need to understand, which results in over-analyzing most things, stems from the way i didn't understand all the pain-filled things that happened to me when i was young. Then, i just didn't understand why things happened to me, why people did them. And since i couldn't understand them....i feared them.....and i started overanalyzing things to create a safety zone around me. i analyzed everything, and if i couldn't twist my thinking into understanding something, then it was a threat to me. Now, it is the same way to an extent. Things i don't understand are things to be nervous of. An explanation of why comes as naturally to me as an observation of what, most times. If i can't figure out why something is, or someone acts a certain way.....then i try my hardest to avoid it. Those are the things that upset me most. And those are the things i try hardest, now, to keep from getting upset about.

Btw, yes, i do know that it's a control thing, and that to trust that which i don't understand, even if it is regarding Padrone who i trust deeply, means to give contol in a more deep and meaningful way. i just can't do it yet. Not....yet....maybe not ever....and i am grateful that my Master doesn't push me in things like that....He just lets the changes happen, if they do, as they will. i know He appreciates them when they happen, but He appreciates more the effort it takes on my part to....let them happen. Change isn't easy, especially when it can seem that my very personality is changing because of things learned and accepted. And yes, it has. And yes, my Padrone is proud to watch His slave grow and develop into a healthy, whole woman, rather than the scared little girl pretending to be a women He first knew. That drives me to work even harder, when necessary, to make Him even more proud of me.

i never realized where that nature came from, Padrone. i just know it is something that YOU have had to work to accept about me. i know it isn't something easy for You; it seems that my nature causes problems because i do tend to make mountains out of molehills. But i finally do realize, even if i am not explaining it well, that the mountain itself is my lack of understanding. The molehill is simply the thing i don't understand. Related, but not exactly one thing developing into the other.

i apologize for the length of this post. And i know i didn't really say what i intended to say when i began typing here. But i think it says enough, even if it isn't easy to understand.

Padrone, all i can say is thank You. Thank You for choosing to accept who i am, and not change my behavior too much. Thank You for choosing to trust me, that my nature is simply that, and that i will control my behavior to the best of my ability, even if i can't control my nature. That is a very real gift, and a huge part of what allows our relationship to grow and deepen. Thank You, my Owner.