my unique Padrone

You know, i have often said to Padrone how different He is from many Dominants that i have had the pleasure of communicating with. And sometimes i can actually express those differences in ways that make sense to Him, but usually He doesn't appreciate the differences, mainly because they are so far outside His thought processes, that they make no sense to Him.

But i am going to try to explain some of Padrone's views on D/s, in hopes that the differences will be obvious to others as well. Btw, i'm not saying others don't have the same or similar philosophies, rather that His are unusual and different in my experience.

Padrone takes things slowly. i know this has become a 'catch phrase', and that slowly in a long distance relationship tends to mean weeks rather than months, but Padrone takes His time, thinks things through, and doesn't even mention them if He chooses not to implement them.

But i'm not even talking about just use. i mean rules as well. i remember, quite clearly, when my only rules were no cumming, and typing an email daily, begging for more. The frustration was so intense....who had ever heard of a Master who didn't control more than just one's orgasm? And if i brought it up, He would say that He didn't know my life well enough to implement more rules yet. i had no idea what that meant. i was so used to arbitrary rules that were pertinent to the Dominant's wants and "needs" that had no bearing on my own lifestyle, that the idea that a Master would actually consider how i live, before putting rules in place, was a hugely dramatic difference. It took a while for me to settle down and just wait.

But He's done that with every rule He has put into place. And now, even *i* bring things up to ask about Him making into rules, and He will now explain His thoughts about it, more often than not, which brings me to another point.

Padrone has never hidden behind a "cloak of mystery". He is who He is, and while He doesn't always say a lot, it is more because He is a quiet man by nature, rather than Him being "mysterious". Those who are self-proclaimed "enigmas" or "mysterious ones" are pretentious, and their Dominance can't show clearly because they're too busy hiding to reveal it.

Padrone (luckily for me) believes in keeping His slave happy. His philosophy is that "a happy slave serves better", and since it is all about Him in the first place, He does what He has to do to keep Himself well served. (now that i've boosted Him into "SuperDom", i'll explain in a way that doesn't make Him seem quite so egocentrical.)

It really IS all about Him. And yes, He keeps me happy. i am quite sure that it began from the idea that i would serve Him better if i am happy, but now it is as much because He does care deeply about me, and He takes His "job" of caring for me very seriously.

How does He do this? How did it change from being all about HIM to being about us? Well, see above. He took His time to learn about me, about my life, about my family, about what i care about, about what i need, and He has come to care about my happiness for itself, rather than just a means to keep Himself happy. He has learned to trust that i will do all within my power to keep Him happy, and that has ... in essence ... freed Him to do the same for me. i have learned to trust that my needs will be met as His slave, and so many of my wants as well. Some things i don't even ask because i trust that He is alredy thinking about it. And nine times out of ten, He is. That is the kind of thing that makes Him so unique and unusual. He doesn't see me solely as a woman for His pleasure when it's convenient for Him. He sees me as a woman for His pleasure all the time, even when there is no sexual or overt D/s interaction going on at all.

He gives so much to me, and wishes so many good things for me, because He really believes i deserve them. Yes, it is about His power to grant them, at times. But He doesn't grant them for His own ego to be boosted by my gratitude (well....not totally, anyway). He does it for me, and my gratitude and the resultant ego boost is what He knows will come after the good thing is granted or given. He is so good to me.

His simple desire is to be adored. He has a need to know that my sole focus, purpose, will, desire, need is to be His. He needs as deeply as i need to give all i am and express the submission so strongly. He needs one woman to need Him. He needs to be her world, her support, her protection, her security, her strength. He needs to control things in her life, but more than that, He needs to control her thoughts. i mean, He needs to be in her thoughts as constantly as possible. He needs to be needed to a very deep level, and that is one reason He is perfect for this slave, and also very unusual. So many Dominants want to be needed, but only when it is convenient for them to do so. Sometimes they only want to be needed when they're in the mood for it, and they don't want to hear about it any other time. Padrone accepts when i am feeling mushy or submissive, even if He isn't in the mood to express His dominance, and allows me to express myself anyway.

He is the most patient person i know, even when He was hurting from things i would say, early in our relationship. He still believed in me, and believed that i would learn and grow into someone more pleasing to Him. He is also so accepting of others, and i am trying hard to learn from Him in regards to that acceptance.

He doesn't live a relationship in a chat room, or even on the phone.

His idea of a relationship involves one's entire life, not just a chat room. He goes online to chat, not to pose or posture. If i royally screw up and misbehave terribly in chat, He would punish me. But saying something that another person doesn't agree with, or doesn't like to hear, or "acting" in a way that others might not approve of, isn't something He takes serously enough to punish me for. Why spend our time together punishing me, when He didn't think i deserved it in the first place? Why look for things to criticize me about? Why expect me to behave perfectly, when i'm just me?

And that is the last point i will talk about this post - the fact that He accepts me as i am. He knew i was a sassy bitch when He met me. He knew i had a "mouth" on me, and i wasn't intimidated by most Dominants. But He also saw that my behavior had an underlying respect, and i was (and still am, for the record) quick to apologize for any offense, real or imagined, that i may have caused. But He accepted me anyway, and i have learned, as i have grown to know Him better and better, to behave in a way that He finds pleasing, when i interact with anyone. He doesn't want me to do as i have a tendency to do now (because of outside influences, which i can't, unfortunately, seem to shake the effects of), and be quiet. He wants me to be myself, the person He knows and loves. He wants me to express my personality, to stand up for myself, to talk and interact freely with folks who don't know me well because i am now too quiet for anyone to get to know. And i am working on it, but He isn't pushing me in any way because He accepts where i am, who i am, and what i express to others. He isn't critical or punishing me for not doing what i know He wants me to do. He isn't giving me examples of others' behavior to try to model. He isn't trying to change me. He knows that any change that happens is another expression of submission, and He will not take it, it will be given freely, or it won't happen.

And i guess that is the bottom line difference. Padrone will not take that which is not freely given. He will not force Himself on anyone. He will, when He wants to, use me when i am not in the mood to be used, but that is because i am already totally His. And if there were a valid reason for me not being used...like when i had surgery....it wasn't even an option. (mainly cos i couldn't type, actually!)

The point is that there are so many ways that Padrone is vastly different from other Dominants that i have interacted with, that i have asked Him to blog His thoughts about being a Dom. He said no, generously explaining to me why, and so the thought popped into my head to try to explain these things myself. i know i haven't mentioned everything, but the reality is that i am so wonderfully owned now, that it is hard to remember all the differences at one sitting. So this idea will be a work in progress, and most definitely to be continued.....

Thank You, Padrone, for that first pinch, and everything that has happened since then, to bring us where we are. i am the luckiest slave alive, because i am Yours.

i believe....

i believe....that communication is the most basic key to any relationship, period.

i believe....that a successful D/s relationship focuses more on the relationship, once the D/s is established.

i believe....that love is a word spoken too freely most of the time, and it keeps us from thinking more deeply than surface emotions.

i believe....that control and submission are part of a person's personality, and aren't turned on and off based on how a person judges another person.

i believe....that respect is a two way street. If someone else must earn mine, then i must earn theirs.

i believe....that respect is given freely by my actions, if not by my emotions. If i show disrespect to a person, it reflects on who i am, rather than who they are.

i believe....that trust is too easily given, and betrayal is too deeply felt for easily given trust. Nobody is perfect, and pain happens in a relationship.

i believe....that it takes a lot of work, energy, and time to make a relationship succeed.

i believe....that a successful relationship is one in which both partners are secure in who they are, and in who their partner is....and feel safe enough emotionally to be themselves fully.

i believe....that trust is what is earned, far more than respect ever will be.

i believe....that trust takes a long time to build, and it is built gradually. Trust is not an "either/or" proposition. There can be the position of "i neither trust nor distrust, yet".

i believe....that the choices one makes determines one's path in life, even (or especially) when circumstances limit one's choices.

i believe....that life is sometimes hard, but rewards are great for going through the fire.

i believe....that judging others is mostly a comparison in which others come up lacking to onesself.

i believe....that those who judge don't like to hear others' judgements of ourselves.

i believe....that learning not to judge is one of the most difficult things in life.

i believe....that learning to let others' opinions not matter so much, is more difficult than learning not to judge.

i believe....that finding the right partner is life's greatest reward, and i know i have done nothing to deserve it, but i know that i have found Him.

i believe....that keeping Him happy is my purpose in life.

i believe....in us.

being taken

Today i realized something about myself.

Today i realized that there are times that i need to feel....totally dispensible, especially to Padrone.

i know that sounds silly, and crazy as well, but it hit me when i was doing a task that he had never had me do before. For some reason, the need to not have any of my own needs or wants taken into consideration as he used me, became totally overwhelming.

You know, usually it *is* all about him, and i am so fortunate that he loves for his slave to be pleased sexually, and to be happy in general. But lately a lot of life's circumstances have required a lot of the focus in our relationship to be upon me and my life and my situation, and it's created a...i don't know, but it's as if both of us have needed to "right the boat" or something.

i needed for my needs to not be taken into consideration, to not even be expressed. i needed for him to literally take whatever he wanted, without thinking about me as anything other than the means for his pleasure....the meat for his use.... the property for his abuse if he so wished. And that's not an easy thing to express, especially without saying "i need", which would totally defeat the purpose in the first place!

Padrone only ever takes what is offered, and while he understands that everything i am, all i have, all i will be, is his totally and unreservedly....sometimes there is something within him that doesn't allow him to use me solely for his pleasure without regard for me and my pleasure. (i'm not talking about safety here, i am talking about pleasure)

But tonight, the opportunity arose for me to .... show him my need, while fulfilling one he has expressed in the past (at least to a degree). i was "taken", harshly and roughly and coldly.

That is something that i am not sure he would necessarily agree with, the terminology i mean. But that is what happened, and the reason it is worth typing about is this:

Tonight, for the first time, i can explain what i mean by that term - being taken - in a way that makes sense. Padrone, now and then, the need to truly be treated as an object, as a piece of meat, as....nothing.....with my existence recognized solely through use for your pleasure and for no other reason....sometimes that is a deep need that i haven't ever been able to express coherently.

i think that, after tonight's scene, You understand - even if nobody else does.

Padrone, i feel more Yours now than i ever have, and that is saying a lot. Thank You, for things i can't put into words. i am Yours.

for Padrone

Padrone...

i love the way You make me feel. i love that You need me, and me specifically. i love that You show me such deep care and concern in so many ways. i love that You think of me so highly. i love how You work so hard to make our relationship work. i love that You love for me to use the little italian i have been learning. i love that You want me to be happy. i love that You don't take me for granted.

i love Your voice, as well as the things You say. i love Your philosophy, and how it is more than simply philosophy to You. i love how You think ahead, yet live so well in the present. i love that You are teaching me, so patiently, that the past is just that.

Padrone, i love Your restraint, the control You exert over Yourself as well as over me. i love that i can give myself into Your control so often. i love that You help me in my life's crises and choices. i love that You make my life interesting.

i love Your looks, i love Your tenderness, i love Your obvious joy in Your family, i love that Your english is difficult when You are tired.

i love so much about You, Padrone, and of course, i love You.

shifting sand

There is an old saying that goes...

You can't stand on shifting sand.

i'm sure it's true, but at first glance it's not universally true. For instance, relationships have to change, the sand that comprises them *must* shift for it to grow and succeed. But the basis for the relationship, in our case the D/s, cannot change. Well it, too, has grown and deepened, but it is always present. It is not shifting sand, it is a firm foundation upon which the sand can shift all it needs to, to allow the changes to happen.

Nothng will ever take away the fact that i am Padrone's slave. He is my Master. It is the ways in which those facts are expressed that make our relationship flexible. Some things won't change, like the fact that He sets rules for me and i obey them. Now and then He may change one, and now and then i may fail in obeying, but those aren't changes of the basic fact that rules are made by Him, followed by me.

He is also the one who grants permission for me to live the way i live. He may change things about my lifestyle, and i am sure He will as time passes and circumstances change, and even has lately. HOW i live may change, but the fact that He chooses how i live, won't.

He chooses when to push me and when not to. He chooses when to use me, when to have me serve Him. How that happens does change, but the fact remains that i am not the one who chooses when it happens. i may voice a yearning, a need, i may beg or plead or even act wantonly in hopes of His use, but if He chooses not to use me, i deal with the need that He wishes for me to have, the best i can.

He has chosen to own me, and to treat me as His valuable property. i have chosen to serve Him as He so deserves for the way He treats me. We choose to love each other, and He has shown me that i am far more worthy of love than i ever knew before, and i have grown to love Him even more for it.

The sand may shift, and it is a very good thing that it does so, as long as the foundation upon which the sand lies is a firm, strong, sturdy one. Ours is, we chose long ago to be who we are, not so long ago to be who we are to each other, and even more recently to deepen the expression of it. But we are still Padrone and schiava.

Just You and me. All else fades away completely, Padrone, when compared with what is most important. Just You and me.

i am Yours....and You are mine. Grazie, mio Padrone.

growth

It's been quite some time since i have typed here, and tonight may not be the most opportune time to do so either. But there have been so many things going on lately that i just really needed to type some of them out.

i have grown, some, as a woman, but more as a slave. The past few weeks have brought some amazing changes, and i can't or won't go into a lot of detail about them. Suffice it to say that i am now Padrone's bitch, something i haven't ever been able to fully embrace being.

Why did this happen? Because Padrone expressed something to me that made me realize that there *is* a way to express my submission in a deeper way. Maybe even in a more meaningful way, i'm not sure - that's one of those things that can't be defined.

Padrone exposed a bit of Himself to me, something that showed me a new way to please Him. And of course, that is something that meant more to me than i could ever express, the trust and respect He showed me to reveal something deeper than He has ever shown before, and also it made me want to show Him my gratitude in a way that only He can understand.

But it is also more than that. It is as if His expression of Himself freed me, in some ways, to reveal things that i had .... well, not supressed, because i had told Him these things, but....maybe not dwelt upon, and that may have made Him not aware of how meaningful they were to me.

In other news, as some of y'all may know already, i am Padrone's bitch. i have a kennel in our private channel where i go when i wait for Him to get online. Being His bitch, so far, has meant that i have in a few small ways, acted as a dog for His pleasure. It is something that i used to have major problems with, and i could never define why. But i realize now that i can kind of take on the mentality of a dog, ecstatic to see her Owner, and eager to show the adoration she feels for Him, and...maybe it's easer that way, i don't know. It doesn't matter, except for my ingrained need to understand things. i'll figure it out, or learn to accept that i can't, one or the other.

And some things i am in limbo regarding, waiting for Padrone to do or say what He mentioned, and what i know may never be expressed. It's hard in some ways, because i have to be patient, and understand that He will only do what He chooses to do, and if He chooses not to do something, then it is because He thinks it is best for Him and for me if He doesn't. Nothing i could do or say, even if i were the type to try to change His mind, would have any effect. And y'all know what? i love Him for that.

Actually, i love Him for a lot MORE than that, but i'm sure y'all have figured that out by now.

i'm thinking of typing something else now, but i'll put it in a different post, with a different topic since it *is* a different topic.

Padrone, i am so grateful for the growth that we have had, even when it hasn't been dramatic and emotional. i am so grateful for the trust You have shown me so recently, and for the respect You show me daily. Thank You for trusting me when i offer more than You have ever taken before. Padrone, i can't imagine belonging to anyone else. i feel as if i have been searching for You my whole life.

Thank You, Padrone, for being You, and owning me in the way You do. You truly are incredible.

humiliation

Well. This topic is a land mine, of sorts, but the fact is that humiliation itself is even moreso. So why type about it? Mainly because it is an area i have often thought of, and knew i needed, but didn't truly understand. i still don't, really, but i guess it's time to open up about it a bit now.

Humiliation has always been a two-edged sword for me. i hate it. But i need it, and i find myself getting aroused sexually and mentally when i am humiliated. What kind of humiliation is the hardest to take? That, of course differs on the person. For me, it's probably physical humiliation, because, for me, there is no physical humiliation without mental/emotional humiliation, although there can be the mental/emotional without the physical.

What i mean is that i truly hate when Padrone clamps my nipples with the belled clamps and has me greet Doms that way, especially when i am gagged. The first time that happened i cried and it took a long time for me to "recover". Now it's not so bad, but only because of familiarity, not because it is any less humiliating. i don't have to "recover" because the headspace is somewhere i have been before and know that i can get out of.

But deeper humiliation, things that i have never been able to even consider much less to do, i would have to "recover" from as i did this in the beginning.

Being Padrone's bitch, for instance, is not something i would have dreamed i would ever do without major consequences - emotionally, i mean. Yet i am doing it, and enjoying some aspects of it surprisingly enough. i still squirm when i'm told to "fetch", or when i do what i am required to do rl...but i do it, and there is some measure of satisfaction in doing it.

Some people find verbal humiliation something they can't handle. i had problems with that when i first met Padrone, but that actually faded rather quickly. The physical humiliation....actually acting in certain ways....demeaning myself....lowering myself into something .... not even human, a bitch.....i couldn't do it for a long time. i begged Padrone, once, long ago....please don't make me do this. And He, then, was gracious and considerate enough to allow me to stop.

But now, being called things, so far, hasn't been a major problem for me. i do have trigger words, things that He could say that would trigger a deeply negative reaction in me, but He knows them i think, and has never said them to me yet. Doing humiliating things is more difficult for me, but strangely enough, i find myself yearning for more.

Why?

i think that it is because i know He finds it pleasing that i would do things i hate, if He asked me to. It is a way to show the control that He has over me, and to show it more and more effectively, the more deeply humiliating the thing(s) He has me to do. i love showing whose i am, and just how deeply His i am, every chance i get.

Another reason is simply because it reinforces the depth of our relationship, to me. If He can do and say things, have me do and say things, that make me feel and seem as low as a part of me always feels i am......and care for me, accept me, love me *anyway*....then that is the kind of unconditional love and acceptance i have craved all my life.

And lastly, i honestly think that being humiliated keeps me in a submissive place. i find myself hating what i am doing, yet feeling so amazingly submissive, and even more grateful, because He asked something difficult of me. It stretches me. It pushes me. It allows me to show the depths of my submission. It allows me to show Him just how truly His i am.

And it does something inside me that i can't explain. Somehow it makes me stronger. It makes me know that i can handle more than i ever dreamed i could. But like any strengthening agent, it creates stress. Stress in anyone can trigger bad actions, and it can also create truly damaging thoughts and emotions in a relationship. Padrone and i have worked hard to create an environment of communication in our relationship, so that even negative or potentially damaging thoughts and emotions can be discussed and worked through. It makes me as a person stronger, and us as a couple stronger as well.

Humiliation is not something i will ever love, nor would i seek it if i weren't totally secure in my place in Padrone's life. But now, under the circumstances, it is something i know i can handle, even crave, and that i will somehow end up grateful for.

Padrone, i am Yours in more ways, and to more depth, than i can ever express. Thank You for the security You have provided for Your slave, so that she could grow into the person, the woman, the slave, she is.

i love You.