What a day

i know that girls can be cruel creatures. i do understand that. But when it is *my* daughter hurt by the sheer thoughtlessness of her "best friend", yet again, then the mamma bear in me rears her ugly head.

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. Tonight she cancelled the party she has worked literally hours planning and preparing for, because of things her friend had said and done. Now, my daughter doesn't often get upset or angry, but she did today. She rarely cries, and today tears. She was angry, hurt, and felt betrayed. She couldn't deal with being with her friends and hiding her emotions, not at her own party, so she cancelled it. i am hurting for her - it really kills me to see her hurt for nothing.(there's a lot more to the story of course, but this is the gist of my day)

So today we had a girl's day out. We shopped, we ate, we just had fun. It was her idea to spend today with me, and tomorrow we're planning a movie marathon, which should be fun...movies and a huge birthday cake - lol.

Anyway, if i can get my jaw to unclench, i'll be alright. Seeing others hurt her like this just makes me crazy. i let her deal with it though, all the while supporting and letting her know that if she would rather me step in and handle it, i would. Supporting, offering an escape, encouraging, letting her experience all the emotions in a safe environment...i wish i could have done more, but i am grateful for the wisdom to know how to handle this with her, and for her.

i was thinking a few minutes ago that this is exactly how Padrone deals with me when i am going through emotional turmoil. He gives me the freedom to feel what i have to and need to feel, yet He lets me know that He is there, supporting, encouraging, accepting, and protective. What a wonderful, beautiful, amazing thing.

Even now, i can imagine what He will say to all of this that i'm dealing with, with my daughter. i know that He will listen to me talk and talk and get all this out of my system, not judging me, just listening and letting me deal with these emotions in an environment of acceptance. He'll tell me i handled it right, and that He is proud of me. i can hear His voice saying those things, the same things i said to her earlier. i have tears in my eyes, thinking that i am so blessed, so absolutely blessed, to belong to someone who loves me the way He does - in the healthy and positive way that allows me to bloom and open to Him like the flower He calls me.

Padrone, i simply adore You with all i am. i am Yours, and humbled by Your love for Your slave. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone.

Success in a Nutshell?

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about why our relationship is successful when so many out there aren't. i mean, even the two of us have had unsuccessful relationships in the past, as have we all. So what makes this one so different, other than the fact that we don't live in the same house...or the same time zone...or even the same continent!

i've read motivational materials that spout success by following a "simple forumula!", spoken with spiritual people who believe that success is a spiritual thing, spoken with financially successful people who will be glad to rid me of my money to help fund their further success...oh and teach me how to be successful too, of course *ahem*. i've even talked with folks who have been married for 50+ years, about how they could stand to be around each other that long. (that happened to be when i was still married myself, hence the wording of the question)

And i have come to the conclusion that the formula for success in whatever endeavor we venture into, in all aspects of our lives - including relationships - includes five common ingredients. i'm going to discuss them here, and probably relate them specifically to D/s and even more specifically to our unique relationship.

Commitment. This is the most important ingredient to success, i believe. Once a decision has been made, or a goal set, or a collar accepted, or a way of living chosen, or wedding vows said....then to be successful, one MUST be sold out, totally committed to one's chosen path.

When Padrone and i met, He had a collared slave already. He was happy with her, loved her, and was deeply committed to their relationship. However, He had made no promises of monogamy, and since i was quite the whore then (self protection, after a painful ending of my prior relationship), and we were strongly attracted to each other, we ended up with a strong connection. (It was her lack of commitment that created the irreparable breach, not His. He was still as committed to her as ever, just added a commitment to me as well. Poor Padrone!) When He collared me, i was totally shocked for a few reasons, but once the relationship was made formal with a collar, our commitment to each other was also made formal.

i have been totally awestruck many times by Padrone's level of commitment to me, and to our relationship...and i finally do realize that my own level of commitment matches His, or it could never work.

Choosing to commit, however, is the easy part. STAYING committed is the kind of thing that will separate successful endeavors from failures.

Toughness. Alright, i am not what one might call a "tough gal". i admit freely to feeling like a wimp, being very emotional, and too often wearing my emotions for all to see, even if i *have* learned to keep my mouth shut most of the time! But see, that's only one image of being tough. Some call what i am talking about here, being a strong person. i agree, as far as that goes. But an analogy i think of now and then is that of a flower...un fiore...Padrone calls me His fiore del sud - flower of the south...i love it, but i always think of what we southern women are so often called - steel magnolias.

The day after Katrina hit was one of the most beautiful days i can remember, weather wise. It was cool, for August, and sunny, almost painfully clear. Trees, homes, buildings had been destroyed, there was shock on the faces and in the hearts of everyone i knew. And yet ... there were still flowers to be seen. Fragile looking roses, still on their vines. Zinnias, periwinkles...still blossoming, as if the storm of the day before had only strengthened their resolve to show the beauty in the midst of chaos.

Mouse and Omega remind me of that kind of toughness...the kind that doesn't simply mean "i'm strong, i'll get through this", but the kind that means "i'm TOUGH, i'll make it through this as a better person, in a better relationship". It's kind of a fine line, i guess, but to me, there is a definite difference in the two. Being tough doesn't mean one has a hard exterior, or interior for that matter. It doesn't mean that one has to be cold and unfeeling. It doesn't mean that little barbs don't hurt or that one loses a level of sensitivity to others. It just means, i think, that ... like a seed which holds the "flower" deep inside until the right moment and conditions to expose it, we too have to let our toughness protect the person inside, so that we can fully express who we are, what we do, what we've accomplished...at the right moment, and when circumstances are right to do so.

Effort. So, you're a tough person, deeply committed to what you want. Now what? Well, as my Granny used to say "hard work never hurt anyone!" You can expect to get out of any endeavor only what you are willing to put into it. If you aren't willing to work at being a good employee, a good friend, a good wife, a good submissive, a good slave, a good student, a good parent, or whatever, then you will never be successful at being a good (insert desired goal here).

It takes a lot of work to be successful. That is one of the things that so many people don't want to hear. They don't want to put forth any effort, and i guess it's kind of an old fashioned way of looking at it anyway, in today's "instant gratification" society. We don't want to wait in line at the bank, so we just run to the atm. We don't want to cook, so we hit a drive-thru, or microwave something. We don't want to sew, so we spend a ton of money on our clothes. We don't want to make someone else happy, so we end a relationship and move on to the next.

As a slave, i have found that some of my hardest work has been mental. i've had so many obstacles to overcome, based in my past, and it has been pure hell for us both at times....especially when something happens to ignite the embers again. They're never going to disappear, but i have worked hard to neutralize their effects, in so many ways, to work through fears and learn to accept what i never dreamed i would.

But it also takes a lot of physical effort as well. The things i do, the time constraints on some of them, being physically uncomfortable....all while working, homeschooling, kid in college, ex from hell, studying for my test, and making a feeble attempt to keep my house from collapsing under the weight of clutter! (and softball season is about to start, isn't that going to be fun? Well, yeah, but anyway) But, because of the commitment that is strong, deep, and which i don't even think about anymore....i do it. When i can't, i have a meltdown, we talk, things that need to be revised are, or whatever needs to be done to help me get back on track, is done, and i do. It is NOT EASY, however. What it is, is worth it. And i could not do any of it at all if i didn't have at least a semblance of...

Discipline. Yes, the dreaded "d" word. This is probably the *one* area in my life that i lacked most in, and i still do in many areas of my life. But if i hadn't learned to cultivate some discipline, i would do nothing but play online all day, or read, or whatever, and where would *that* get me in terms of accomplishing my goals?

Specific to our relationship, if i didn't have any discipline at all, then i would have failed hugely, and loooooooong ago. But i will also say that Padrone helped me to develop that discipline, even if it wasn't intended (and i don't know, i just say "if"). By building the framework of rules and requirements in a gradual way, He helped me get used to one rule, before adding more. He didn't overwhelm me with requirements and expectations that i would be punished for quickly...He allowed one to become a habit for me, before adding more to it. i mean, in general. If He said "don't wear green anymore except as a punishment", and "don't date without my permission" on the same day, that wouldn't be any kind of problem.

But, this kind of thing HAS to come from inside. We can be pushed and prodded all they wish to push and prod us, but eventually we have to make the choice to just suck it up and do it, whatever it is, without constant reminders or constant punishments. There comes a time when we should be able to do what's expected of us independently. Until that time comes, growth can't really happen anyway. It's like a baby....we can't be fed food until we stop suckling milk. With our relationships, as with other areas of life, we are the ones who has to stop suckling - weaning won't be forced on us. So, if the goal is a deep, strongly D/s relationship, then it truly is up to us as slaves to discipline ourselves (not punish, there's a huge difference) enough to move from milk to meat.

We also have to have the discipline to make good choices. We're all tempted by many things, with each of us tempted in different ways, from slacking on our chores, to outright cheating on vows, to sneaking a candy bar. But every choice brings its own consequences, and being responsible, and being disciplined to do what is right even when no one is looking, is what being a successful slave is all about.

Pride. This one is self explanatory in many ways. We have to be proud of ourselves, of who we are, what we do, how we conduct ourselves. We have to be proud of the choices we make in life. We have to be proud of the results of our efforts. We aren't in this just to make our Masters proud, although i LOVE knowing that i do make Padrone proud of me. But we should take pride in ourselves, and we should be proud of the fruits of our commitments.

i will probably read this later and think "why didn't i say this?" and "why didn't i word things that way?", but for now i am going to stop here. i truly believe that if we apply these elements into our lives, believing that what we are working towards is worth every effort required of us...that we will reap benefits that we can only dream of now.

i wrote this from the perspective, and to the perspective of submissive. But i believe it also applies to Dominants as well. Because i have less understanding of Dominant mentality, and only understand human nature in general, i didn't feel comfortable trying to assume thoughts or motivations for Dominants, that i seem to understand intuitively as a submissive. i do believe that these are pretty universal elements to success, no matter who we are, what role we live, or what endeavor we have undertaken to accomplish.

Padrone, i am deeply grateful for the way You have shown all of these things in our relationship, in Your life in general. You have taught me by example so many things that i haven't ever mentioned, but i have noticed that You do exhibit so many of these things in Your life, and in our relationship. And Padrone, You make me so unspeakably happy to be Your woman, Your slave. i am proud to wear Your collar.

Our kind of exchange

Well, once again spirited got me thinking with her most recent post: here . In that post she talks about TPE, a subject i typically stay well away from because frankly, i don't give a flying flip what our relationship is called, as long as it works for us. Labels don't really mean that much to me, in terms of defining our relationship, but when i first became interested in D/s long ago, i struggled to find definitions that worked and made sense to me.

i may not have a lot of common sense, but even a novice like i was saw that many of the philosophies that were being spouted by folks in the "lifestyle" were totally unrealistic for so many ppl to be involved in it.

i do understand that i may be "nit-picking", because of my thoughts about what is "exchanged" in a M/s relationship, but the one philosophy that is so often referred to as "true D/s", and that truly makes no sense to me whatsoever is TPE. i realize that it may seem to be quite a fine line that i am drawing in my own definition of what happens when one begins, and maintains, a M/s relationship, but what has always been the case in my relationships, and also in the successful relationships i have always known about, is that it isn't POWER that is exchanged - especially "totally".

If i gave Padrone all power, that would mean i was totally powerLESS, correct? If i were powerless, then how could i perform a job? How could i pay my bills? How could i raise my children? How could i even dress or wash clothes or clean the house without His power to tell me what to do and when to do it? That is unrealistic even in a live-together kind of relationship, as MOST folks will admit! And of course, there is always the argument that i could "beg permission" to go to work, as if that would be denied - lol!

And those facts would be true, even if we lived in the same household. There are things that each of us do, because we *are* separate entities, and Padrone cannot live my life and His as well. And He can't do it even when we are living together, and i would hate it if He tried! 

So what i learned long ago, something that makes FAR more sense to me than a total POWER exchange, is that it isn't power at all that is "given", it is the authority to exert power in my life. Yes, theoretically, Padrone could require me to beg permission to go to work, or to do a load of clothes, or to have a cup of coffee or what to make for dinner. But realistically that is all hogwash. i understand that many Masters micromanage far more than Padrone does, and that many slaves need that kind of micromanagement far more than i do. But frankly, nobody has total power over another person, even if they keep them caged and bound - unless they simply choose to let them die for lack of nourishment or water, of course.

Ugh, way too far "out there" for what i hoped to say today.

i have long believed that the most healthy relationships have balance in all areas, even M/s relationships (which many folks refuse to accept, but it's true). A Master can only control that which the slave gives Him authority *to* control. It is my thought, and has been confirmed in every HEALTHY relationship i have ever encountered, that no Master will choose to control everything in a slave's life. Every little thing that a slave does that isn't expressly by her Master's "will" or "permission" confirms my theory that POWER can never be totally exchanged ... and that authority can, and is, but is often not exerted.

For us, one example is my kids. Padrone doesn't involve himself in the raising of my kids, although He will, and does, offer insights and opinions and suggestions when i am at a loss what to do. That's a mutual choice, btw, just so y'all don't think i am depriving Padrone of an area of authority in my life which He would wish to have control over.


But in general, the strength of the power of a Master, or the level of His authority, is equally matched by the strength and depths of the slave's submission. It is when that balance is disrupted that problems happen, imho. But nobody can force me to do what i don't submit to do, except in the case of abuse - this is NOT a post about abuse, but about a healthy M/s relationship. As trust grows, so the submission deepens. If trust is disrupted, then the submission is harder to give.

In general, in all types of relationships, it is when the relationship is balanced....mutual everything - respect, trust, love, acceptance, support....that they are strong, healthy, positive relationships. And so, to me, the idea of TPE is very attractive to some in this lifestyle, but totally unrealistic in practice. Nobody, even the "lowliest of slaves", is totally powerless, but she *may* have no authority to  make decisions in her life. Being powerless implies lack of ability, having no authority means lack of opportunity.

And i guess that's the whole point. i don't have the opportunity to decide if i am going to do that which i am restricted from doing, or not do what i have been required to do - without serious consequences that is. i *do* have the power to do it - if i couldn't then there would be no reason for any type of punishment in our relationship.

i don't know, maybe it is simply that TPE *sounds* so enthralling to those of us who do what we do. Maybe it is that it is the "accepted" term by so many who expound their views loudly over the internet and in books, etc. Maybe it's the "experts" who have thrown this term together and chosen to shove it down our throats, and it's easy to accept what others say, rather than forge our own paths.

But for me...and for us....i am valued partly *because* of my ability to live my life without being micromanaged...the ability to make my own choices at times, all the while striving to live as pleasing to my Master as possible, given the restrictions that distance creates.

Padrone, this line of thought has really made me start thinking, even more than usual. (i know You're ecstatic to hear that *sarcasm, sarcasm*) Trust and balance and submission and authority and all the basics - i need to revisit them i think - and i know You know why. Thank You for the value You place on me, and on our relationship....and i love You more than my actions lately have shown.

i truly am Yours, and gratefully so.

A quick Hello

i had planned to type a post earlier this week, but life happens all too frequently around here, and it's already the middle of the week, and i didn't type a post last week...ugh. Y'all know, the best laid plans of mice, men, and slaves...

So, the plan changed, and i have little to say because of "life happening", and i am typing this for no reason, just to say "to be continued", i guess.

Son is back in college, and only forgot everything he needed (he left unexpectedly, and hence wasn't prepared). i packed up and sent some stuff with his girlfriend the other day, but i forgot his medicine so i'm sure within a few days i'll have to make arrangements to get it to him. It's alright, that one was my own fault. i'm pretty forgetful about many things, and he had a list of things, some of which were vague ("any clothes you think i'd wear or would like to have"..yeah right, as picky as HE is about his clothes???) He also left his debit card, but since he lives only a couple of blocks from the bank, i am not that worried about that one.

Anyway, daughter changed her job yet again, but she finally has one she absolutely loves and i am very glad for her. She's waitressing at a pizza place, making good tips for the type of restaurant it is, plus $5 per hour, which isn't bad for a 16 year old kid, i don't think. With her being homeschooled, she has the opportunity to work days, which is the only reason she was hired. It's a locally owned shop, so they take care of their employees and are far more understanding of softball schedules, etc, than many places are. i'm really glad for her.

And me? Well i'm still at the interim job, studying for my test that i have to take to get my teacher's certification via the alternate route to certification. The plan is to take it on March 13, and i'll hear the results in a few weeks after that. In my state, because of the subject i am getting certified in, i can apply for my one-year license after only taking the tests, and follow up with the established programs while i am actually teaching, so i hope to be teaching in August. It's not as easy to find teaching jobs nowadays as it was a few years ago, but since i plan to become certified in Special Ed, that will help me tremendously i know. i truly hope and pray that i will be able to pass this test and find a job and begin teaching in August. But we'll see.

And i guess it is only fair to let y'all know that i am struggling in my slavery lately. Maybe that's why i haven't blogged, i don't know, but i thought things were going better, and then ... well, i had a major meltdown yesterday. So we're back in the emotional discussion mode, and it's frankly exhausting.

Anyway, that's that, and i'll post again later this week.

Padrone, i am so glad that i am Yours, and that what we have is worth each of us finding ways to make each other happy to be in this relationship. i am so grateful that i am all You need, even if i struggle at times and push myself too hard and don't gauge my emotional state closely enough .... sacrificing my emotional balance, creating far more problems, simply out of "submission". Maybe that is something i should think about for a while...

i love You, my Padrone.

Ups and Downs....and Roll Tide!

It's been quite a week, an emotional roller coaster but things are calm now, and happy, and peaceful. That's what Padrone and i work so hard to attain, even though we realize that things are going to happen to disrupt the peacefulness now and then.

We each came to realize that the holidays can be dangerous for relationships in some pretty subtle ways, the most glaring in its subtlety is the taking for granted of each other. You know, even though we each understand that it is easier for us to take each other for granted given the long distance nature of our relationship, it can, and does, sometimes happen. It's insidious, and usually not recognizable until it has caused a problem, but glaringly obvious as a root cause when the problem happens.

Sometimes i guess it's necessary to reevaluate things, where we stand, what we want and need and can realistically give. It's easy to fall into routines, to put things off, to decide that (insert action here) isn't really necessary. For me, especially, so much of what i do is voluntary....in other words, i offer my submission through actions and words, freely and openly. That means so much to Padrone when i do it, and i love to please him of course, and so i usually work hard to try to find ways, or even use the same ways i know will please him, to show my submission. Lately i have failed in that aspect....and yes, he had come to take them for granted, so when they weren't as obvious as they had been in the past, it created a problem. He loves to feel my submission, and of course submission is sometimes defined by one's obedience even when it's tough...it is sometimes shown through words and gestures that are easy. It's almost always easy for me to show Padrone what he means to me.

Lately, though, i had let life prevent me from focusing on him as much as i usually do. It's been a heckuva month for me, well two months really but the last month has been especially hard. And so even when we were together it was a time of distraction rather than focus.

i know it's going to happen in any relationship, long distance or face to face. The thing that helps us maintain our closeness is that we are "together" all day long in terms of me obeying and him controlling (read more about my "framework" of rules and expectations if you'd like to know more). So when we are together talking, we can have "quality" time, usually without distractions and usually quite focused on each other - even if just chit-chatting. It's like a married couple setting aside an hour or so a day just to devote to each other. So our communication is good, very strong, and that is one key to the success of our relationship.

So when something disrupts that focus, it can have damaging effects on our relationship. We've each taken the other for granted lately, though, and that is the snake that slithered in and began to poison our communication.

But now....things are incredible again, another storm weathered, love, passion, D/s, devotion...all restored beautifully. It took talking it out, being painfully honest with each other, keeping tempers in check, squashing the normal defensiveness that is a result of honest communication, and being open to change what we have to change....but the only way any of that could possibly happen is because of the deep level of commitment we each have to our relationship and to each other.

Anyway, the other good thing that happened this week is that Alabama won the BCS National Championship game!!! Roll Tide!!!! i'm STILL psyched about that one! What a magical, special year for these kids, this team! Yep, i love me some Bama football, that's for sure!

Padrone, i hope i conveyed to You how sorry i am for the upset of early this week, and i am so deeply and indescribably grateful for the communication...thank you for bringing up your concerns. Thank you for opening the conversation. Thank you for not letting my misunderstanding of your meanings become problems. Thank you for being open to my point of view. Thank you for admitting to your part in our problems, and for accepting that responsibility. Thank you for forgiving, and for asking forgiveness. Thank you for being the man you are, Padrone, who maintains our relationship as a very high priority in your life, and who will work as hard as you expect me to work in order to maintain its health and our happiness.

i am so blessed, Padrone, to belong to You. i adore You.

More Italian Songs

A couple more of Padrone's songs for y'all:

The beginnings of thoughts...

Padrone and i talked tonight for the first time in quite some time. We've chatted online but busy-ness has kept us from having time to talk much lately. Things will settle back into place soon though.

Anyway, he said some things tonight that have sparked some "thinking" on my part, and i am going to share them here so i won't lose them if i want to blog about it later, AND so i won't have to try to go back through the thought processes and explain what can be inexplicable jumps in lines of thinking.

He said that when we think of consequences as natural follow-ups of choices, we tend to think of "good" or "bad" consequences and don't usually understand fully that consequences are "more good than bad" or "more bad than good". In other words, relating back to my decision to tell my family about my abuse (i opened up about it 6 years ago, btw, and it still hurts but that's to be expected)...i made a choice, counted the personal consequences i thought of but am experiencing some unexpected consequences as well. And the other part of what He talked about was that our choices aren't as static as we sometimes think of them as being....they have a ripple effect, and we often feel the "ripples" for quite some time as a result of our choices.

i know i haven't clearly conveyed what He said, and i can't as clearly as He did. i wish i could. But i'm still kind of processing it, letting it sink in and become part of me, if that makes sense. It really hit home though, that's for sure, and i'm taking it very much to heart. Anyway, i'm still thinking....as my title said, this is the beginnings of thoughts. There's no telling where my thoughts will end up on this!

Padrone, thank You for giving me another side to think about, another facet and another perspective that i could never have seen on my own. You are so good about that, Padrone! Thank You for caring so deeply what happens to Your slave, Your woman. i am gratefully and forever Yours.