Holidays and happiness

I love this time of year. It has nothing to do with a peaceful heart or family or any such thing, but it is a very personal, and very spiritual, time of year for me. As a Christian, i love feeling the emotions that are enhanced during this holiday season, because of the love of a God i have the honor of knowing and being known by.

i know that the date of the celebration of the birth of Christ was set due to pagan celebrations that happened at the same time (as were most Christian days of celebration). Frankly, that doesn't matter in the least - who cares what the actual date of the birth of Christ was? It is the celebration of it that matters to me, and to most of the people i know.

For my Christian friends and family, this time of year allows us to reflect upon the joy and peace that we believe is ours because of our faith, which is based upon the birth, life, death, and ultimate resurrection of the one we call the Christ. The celebration of his birth creates a very real, very pure, very strong sense of renewal within me. i love feeling this way, deeply appreciative of what i have been given....more giving towards others as a result.

Here are a couple of pictures that were taken by one of my children, of some of the ornaments on my tree. i love them, and i hope you do too!

Padrone, i love You.

Who are we, really?

And I made a couple more A's in my two classes this semester! Not bad for an old lady, huh? I'm really enjoying taking these classes, which kind of surprised me. But i think i am now old enough that a lot of the things i am supposed to be learning are things i have already learned and am now simply fitting them into an academic setting. There is a lot to be said for life experiences, that's for sure.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post here, and Padrone and i have talked a lot about philosophical issues. Greengirl has made me think about roles and definitions thereof, and a discussion in the chat room we frequent got me thinking about limits, pushing them, and emotional security. i've really been trying to decide what to type here, and i think i'll just start typing and let it flow naturally. Follow along, if you can - lol.

First, about roles. i am an extremely submissive woman. That is my personality, it is how i behave much of the time, and it is definitely a highly regarded trait by Padrone. But that does not define who i am or what i do or how i live in its entirety. It does not tell the entire story of *me*.

I tend to have a problem with people who portray D/s as the only dynamic in their lives. Some people present every aspect of their lives as revolving around "Master" and "slave". Control and obedience. Dominance and subservience. I mean, some take this to the extreme that if the "Master" is in any way unhappy, the "slave" is punished even if she has no clue why she is being held responsible!

i make Padrone happy, not out of fear of punishment if he isn't, but rather because i love his happiness. It makes me happy to make him happy. There is a very real and fulfilling reinforcement for my obedience and submission to him. i love pleasing him, y'all, but not because i am "his slave". i love making him happy, because...a happy Master owns better! (sorry, i had to go there, Padrone!)

But it is true. The happier i make him, the more he will show his happiness, his appreciation, and his love for me - making me happy in return. It truly is a never-ending, wonderful cycle. But what most people miss is that this has absolutely nothing to do with D/s whatsoever.

Sure it makes us happy to participate in a D/s relationship. Because we understand that he is the Master and i am the slave, there are certain dynamics in place that make us happy by their very nature. He controls, i let him (hehehe). No matter how much fun we have with it, though, the bottom line is that no matter what we call ourselves, we would act in this manner anyway.

Why is that? Well, it is simply because that is who we are. It doesn't matter if Padrone has the label of "Dominant" or not, frankly, because he is going to control and take responsibility and make decisions anyway. And no matter what i call myself, i am going to revel in the knowledge that he is controlling and taking responsibility and making decisions, and because of that and the gratitude i feel that he lifts my unwanted burdens, i will offer and eagerly look for ways to please him. And the happier he is, the happier he will make me, and the world, or our little piece of it, becomes a beautiful garden of devotion and respect.

And it doesn't matter what we call ourselves, our relationship, or each other. We are who we are, and we act freely based on the emotional security we have found in our relationship that allows us to become vulnerable to each other.

Which is a topic for another day. Maybe i am naive or just too...i don't know, irreverent of all things D/s or something, but i don't believe all i read online, not even in many of the blogs i read. i don't believe that every waking moment of every day can be devoted to a D/s type of mindset, although i do believe that someone can live a life with strong characteristics found in a role in D/s. i don't believe that what one calls onesself is important, nor is a contract or any of the "trappings" that others deem "necessary" in D/s. We have rules in our relationship, yes, but it is because of a wish of how Padrone wants to feel, or wants me to feel, far more than because we're "supposed" to have rules in a D/s relationship.

It is as Padrone says...throw "the book" out. Nobody can do D/s according to the expectations of others, or by using their guidelines or their relationship as an example. "The book" is filled with those sorts of expectations, and that is a very destructive mindset to have. i am grateful that he and i found each other after he had thrown the book out the window, that's for sure!

Padrone, i love You, and i am Yours, no matter what You are called or what You call me. You are more than Master to me, Padrone. You are my friend, my lover, my love, my man. You are the perfect fit for this woman, and i am deeply grateful that You value me equally as much. i am truly blessed.

Thankfulness

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends, and to my other friends the same, even if you don't celebrate the holiday that we do, a time of thanksgiving is usually a good thing.

This year, i have been amazingly busy lately and that is good. i'm learning about how to direct a company, so that when we have the official startup on Jan. 1, i will be ready. Or that's the plan at least - lol. We have a board meeting in a couple of weeks, where things will be made official and i will get to speak in my "director-to-be" mode for the first time, officially. It will be made public to both the public and the employees, some of whom aren't quite as excited at the prospect as i am, i must say! It will all work out, and i am smiling as i type this, knowing just how nervous i will become the closer to Dec. 11 it gets.

But lately i have been thinking a lot about a couple of things, one of which seems directly related to the holiday that we Americans are celebrating today. Thankfulness. Gratitude.

i had what i considered a pretty profound thought, and i put it on my "non D/s" facebook as my status this morning:

A thankful heart breeds an humble spirit. I wish you a life of thankfulness.

This was the culmination of several days' worth of "behind the facade" pondering. i've been thinking lately, since Padrone made a rather wonderful statement about how he views me, about what makes me remain so devoted to him. i mean, we don't have the ideal situation for most people, although it isn't totally negative for us. Living an ocean apart is challenging for any relationship, though, as i think anyone might admit. It would be so easy to get lax about serving, and so easy to try to deceive if i did. And i do realize that part of what makes us work is our individual personalities, needs, integrity, and availability.

And so i wondered what else might factor into our success, our happiness. Because we are happy, in a deep, abiding, fulfilling way that only "real love" or whatever can bring.

And i realized that it is because we both know that what we have is rare, and we tend to take time to reflect on our lives, our relationship, each other, and be grateful. It isn't a conscious choice, and sometimes it just kind of hits out of the blue, but we don't take each other for granted...or we try hard not to at least.

Living a life of thankfulness is so different than the typical mindset portrayed in D/s circles of "thank your Master for everything, because you would have/do/be nothing without his permission". That, in my opinion, is a load of crap. i am who i am, and while being Padrone's has taught me to become better, stronger, and more pleasing, it is built on the foundation of *me* that *i* brought into the mix. Padrone had no part in creating me, nor has he consciously molded me into some fantasy slave.

As far as having nothing or doing nothing without Padrone's permission, maybe in theory that could be perceived as being correct. But in reality, i live in another country, have a job, a house, a car, and two kids who depend upon me financially (for the most part, although they both work themselves as well, i pay the bills). i had each of those things when we entered this relationship, and so what? Am i supposed to sign my car over to him, or whatever? No, as a matter of fact, Padrone wants me to buy a more reliable one as soon as i can - lol. It isn't an order, or me having to wait for his permission before buying one (i will, because i know he will ask me questions i haven't thought to ask, and help me make a wise decision). So i have things without his permission. i did "before", i do now, and unless i am sadly mistaken i will in the future as well, simply because of how deeply Padrone respects me. And i also realize that if he chose, he could take what i have, and so there is an element of gratitude that he is the type of Master he is, in my mix of thankfulness.

And as far as doing things, again, we live a freaking ocean apart. We aren't in constant contact. We can't text each other's phones, and so if Padrone is not at his computer (which he is a good part of the day but not always of course), then i might end up asking permission to do something and sitting and waiting for hours before he sees my text and answers it! Totally unrealistic! And of course, i have a job, school, and family obligations that aren't really debatable in terms of whether i do them or not, even if some of it is optional (i only went back to school because Padrone said i could, for instance, and so the inflexibility of my schedule is both with his permission and now out of his control).

So, if it isn't a matter of the "traditional" D/s "gratitude" that i am talking about, what is it?

i am just deeply thankful to have Padrone in my life. i am grateful that he is the kind of man he is, loving, kind, easygoing, teasing, tormenting, rigid when he wants to be, controlling, cruel when he needs to be, and who values me highly no matter what.

Every time i think of him, it seems i have something to be thankful for. And that thankfulness has spread into many, many areas of my life. i don't have to look for, to find, things to be thankful for. i don't feel a need to list them, to prioritize them, to account for them. i don't even need to think of them in any concrete way. They make themselves known to me, because my entire attitude has shifted to finding things i am grateful to have in my life, from a car that runs (most of the time), to my daughter's thoughtfulness to a Wal Mart door greeter, to a son who is working long hours to help ease my burden, to a Master...my man...who has taught me how to love and be loved.

Padrone, on this Thanksgiving Day, although You don't celebrate it, i want to say just how much having You in my life has meant to me. You have helped me become a better woman, simply by accepting me when i wasn't so good and showing me a better me. i am grateful beyond words, to be the woman You love. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone.

Quick update, etc.

I just realized that i haven't typed here in a while now, but to be honest i have worked a TON of hours, and combining that with school means that something has to give. Lately, apparently, it has been my blog.

i've already gotten one promotion in my new job, and changed projects so i have better hours. The work is not difficult, it is more focus-intensive, which means that i have to be diligent and watchful all the time. One of the projects i work is far easier than the other, in terms of diligence required, and if there was only internet available so i could do my schoolwork or entertain myself during "down time", life would be better!

But it is what it is, and that's not a bad thing overall. I am learning a TON about the company, from figuring how much to pay everyone, to scheduling, to finding grant money (not learning to write grants yet, though, and not sure i really want to!), to everything in between. Haven't learned about billing this particular way, but i have been involved in hiring and even firing - or rather, telling someone they would have to be retrained and them resigning instead. :)

It's taken a lot of time, though, and will continue to take more. When i asked Padrone if it was too much, if it took too much away from him, his response was "of course not, i own the boss!"

i love that man!

i've been reading blog posts recently that have given me a lot to think about. i realize i am in a totally different circumstance than many people are, in that i don't live with my Master. But i am absolutely committed to him, and surrendered to him, and owned by him. He has as much authority in my life as he would if we lived together, and the limitations on the expression of that authority exist only due to geography and safety issues. And the amount of submission required to obey and to please him is the same as if he were here with me.

And that leads me to what is kind of a recurring theme in my blog, from what i can tell. Submissives are those who have chosen to give authority over their lives to another. By doing so, we choose to surrender to the control they choose to take in our lives. Now, here comes the important part: making that choice does NOT make our lives all rosy and peachy-keen.

Sometimes it is HARD to obey. Obedience is nothing more than a show of submission, it is not the submission itself, imho. But obedience shows our submission, the affirmation of the choice we made. Of course we'll doubt that choice, and ourselves, and our Masters at times. If we didn't, we'd be foolish. Of course we'll question. Of course we'll disagree, and resist, and even rebel.

But, in the end, we obey anyway. Do it anyway. Even if we don't *feel* submissive, do it anyway. Even if we are exhausted, or if we're about to fall asleep, or we had planned on grocery shopping...do it anyway. Even if our hearts are filled with angst, do it anyway. The ACT of obedience, especially when we don't particularly *want* to obey or even to submit, is a very, very powerful expression of the D/s dynamic.

And yes, that's the second part of what i wanted to say. Sometimes we DON'T want to submit, to obey, to serve, to do domestic or menial tasks, to cook or clean or iron. And, unless *your* Master has won the lottery that *mine* is trying to win, chances are that you don't have a house slave either, so *someone* has to do these things. Unless you are one of the admirable women who love to do these kinds of tasks, it is hard to do more than....do it anyway. That's how i clean my house for myself, frankly, only because some things HAVE to be done, dishes and laundry topping the list.

And i'm sure i'll enjoy learning to make Padrone's coffee, but will i love to bring it to him every single time he wants it, even if i'm in the middle of doing something else and have to drop everything to do it? Of course not. i'll do it of course, but my mind will probably be on what i was doing, rather than on Padrone, and he'll probably be busy and all he'll care about is the coffee in his cup. My feelings, positive or negative, will make no difference to him. My obedience makes *all* the difference to him.

Padrone taught me a LONG time ago that feelings are what they are, but what matters most is actions. If we all acted as we felt, what kind of world would we live in? And if we only obeyed when we felt like it, what kind of surrender are we expressing? Or those are my thoughts at least...there are times when we have to bite the bullet, grin and bear it....do it anyway.

So i guess i could sum my own slavery up in a few words. Obey even when it isn't convenient. Give what i know pleases him. And even when i don't want to, do it anyway. And, love Him even if i don't love what He requires me to do.

Which is what counts most, after all.

i am gratefully, wonderfully, gloriously Yours, Padrone. Most definitely Yours.

Long Distance

i was asked a question via email asking for advice on training a long distance slave. i responded to her in a pretty basic way, and i am including what i typed to her here, but i have expounded upon it a little, trying to give a clearer picture of just how we got to the point we are now.

Being a long distance slave is not easy at all, especially when it involves different continents entirely. Being the Master in this type of relationship is equally difficult. It requires a lot of dedication, commitment, communication, trust, but most of all integrity, for it to work.

Or that is what we have experienced at least. i have to do as i am expected to do, even if i don't have to "prove" it, and so does Padrone. If either of us fails, then our relationship suffers. It's as simple as that - integrity breeds trust, which breeds the rest of the necessary elements for a successful relationship.

Training is not something that we engage in, though. What Padrone does is to look at my life, my circumstances, my personality, my job situation, my family...everything to do with how i live my life here, and he creates a framework of rules that are specific to me. In other words, he doesn't try to make me into the slave HE wants, rather he wants me as i am, and creates the perfect environment for me to live as his slave.

In other words, he shaped my life as his slave around my entire life. He doesn't expect me to go naked all the time, or much of the time even, since i have a daughter living with me. He doesn't expect me to spend hours and hours online, waiting for him to show up at his whim, because i have work and school and chores and such. He doesn't expect me to damage my body trying something new and exciting, because he is not here to take care of me if something goes wrong. He doesn't expect me to do extremely humiliating things because... he isn't here to take care of me if something goes wrong. And he can't expect me to change my entire life, to isolate myself, to make him my world...because that, my friends, is abuse in anybody's world.

He looked, learned about my life, and built a framework of rules and expectations that control me wonderfully, but do not set me up to fail. He took TIME to learn about how i life, who i interact with, and even what i wear, in order to form rules to free my life of freedom into a life of slavery.

He began extremely slowly, and gradually introduced rules into my life that i could follow without danger or extreme disruption to my life. What he values is my obedience - he does not believe that punishment is a necessary part of D/s ... or not a routine part at least. Yes, i am punished when i deserve it, but he *hates* to punish me and so has designed the framework of rules and expectations that are not impossible for me to follow, or don't require "jumping through hoops" for me to obey. He loves that i am able, and do, follow the rules he has in place for me, and the fact that i am able to, and do, follow them means that he has done his job quite well.

What was his job in that instance? Well, it was simply to insert his control into my daily life, in subtle and not so subtle ways. He did so by introducing rules into my routine *very* gradually, giving me time to get used to one rule before introducing any more. He thought about how i live, and gave me rules that require thought, remembering, active obedience, but which don't require danger, risk, or extreme inconvenience (now and then they might, but not as a regular thing).

Some Masters believe that the way Padrone controls me is "soft" or something. But i feel his control, my submission, every day, throughout the day, in many different ways. We don't have to be in contact for it to happen, which is good given how busy i am lately. But it is as real as his hand gripping my hair would be, and my will is as surrendered as if i were kneeling before him.

Padrone says to throw "the book" away. D/s cannot follow a uniform set of guidelines, or "book" of rules and regulations. As long as both participants are healthy, and HAPPY, in the relationship, then it is a positive thing. When either participant takes things to the extreme, it becomes unbalanced...and unbalanced = unhealthy.

What i mean by that is that *a submissive* can't go into this thing having expectations of how she wants him to "Master" her, but HE must also let go of the thought of *his* perfect slave, and take her as she is and .... draw her submission from her in ways that she can offer it, not in arbitrary, preconceived ways. i am not saying anyone is doing that, just saying that it is a common thing, especially for Masters but also for submissives....an unwillingness to let go of expectations and accept reality - especially in long distance relationships.

Being a slave is not always easy, no matter how submissive someone is, or how much she craves a life of being controlled. But a good Master will not structure a girl's slavery in a way that will make her miserable all the time. Padrone says that a happy slave serves better, which is his basis for the way he chooses to control me. And let's face it... even slaves should be happy in their relationships... otherwise, why bother?

But that's a topic for another day.

Padrone, i have learned a TREMENDOUS amount of D/s, and how individual it should be, from You. Being Your slave has been the most life changing event to happen to me since the birth of my children. Your framework of freedom has allowed me to live the controlled life i need, freeing me to become the best person i can be. You have freed this flower to bloom for You, my Master, and i am more grateful than "thank You" could ever express. i am Yours.

My favorite band, playing my favorite song

All i can say is ROLL TIDE!!! (Sorry if you don't follow American College football, much less the 2009 National Champion Alabama Crimson Tide....you're missing one of the finer things in life!)

Nothing new under the sun

Nor in my life either, it seems - lol.

I'm in limbo regarding jobs, but it is alright. I have gotten information about a job i need to call about, now that i am able to do so. I have been a sick woman this week. I feel much better today, thank goodness.

I've also been told a bit more about the promotion in the job i am working in currently. It would be a nice title, with responsibilities that I have no problem handling. I don't know pay or benefits though, but that could possibly become part of my job - to determine just what those are. It will be a new corporation, and I will be running it - not sure of my exact title, and the woman who began this company is going to be running the current one, offices in her home, etc, so i will have help and support, but i also have some ideas regarding how this company should be run, and while i don't know specifics or legalities in terms of billing and what services can be provided and such, i do know a little about organization and motivation (thank You, Padrone - lol) to be an effective business leader, especially in a small business.

Today is my son's 21st birthday, so I hope to go visit him later. We'll go to Olive Garden for dinner where he will buy his first *legal* glass of wine - lol. His father is actually going to help him fix his truck, which shocked me senseless, frankly. I haven't told son about that yet, it will be a nice surprise i think.

Daughter and I are planning another trip like we took in the spring, sometime around Halloween. It may work out that she can fly up there alone and stay with her boyfriend's family, while he stays next door with his grandpa, but we'll see. She's got a tiny little stubborn streak, although i can't *imagine* where it came from! It may not sit well with a controlling mother of a daughter's only-child boyfriend, though.

And yes, Padrone knows and has approved me going if that is how she decides. :)

Padrone and i have had more time together lately, mainly because i've been sick and unable to work. But because i've been sick it hasn't been as quality a time as it could have been. i'm glad to have had the time, even if i've been irritable as all get-out. Poor Padrone. :(

Padrone, i hope that we can have time to simply let cares slip away and have some privacy for one another, even if it is just to talk without wondering when we'll be interrupted. That sounds like a bit of heaven to me right now!

i long for the day when i can once again show how deeply You own me, and surrender to You in ways i haven't yet been able to do. I adore You, Padrone. Thank You for owning me so wonderfully, and so well.