Mortality

My grandfather died of a massive heart attack at age 43. Of course, that was pre-WWII so health care was nowhere near what it is now, and who knows if he would have died now? Maybe he would have learned warning signs, gotten tests run, changed anything in his lifestyle that may have needed to be changed, and lived far longer than he did.

But he lived then, and died then, and the one thing that might be seen as positive from it is that it has taught my brothers and myself that life is not a "forever" thing, and made us aware of our health issues at a younger age than we might otherwise have become aware of them.

You see, yesterday my brother had a slight heart attack himself. i am grateful that he recognized the signs of it, called his wife and let her talk him into going straight to the hospital. He had no pain, but tightness in his chest and shortness of breath. He is still in the hospital and they have scheduled a catherter (or however it is spelled) tomorrow. They thought it was an extreme anxiety attack at first because of his lack of pain, but luckily his doctor had enough awareness of heart issues to keep him, and run tests to make sure. The enzymes are a bit off, from what i have been told, whatever that means.

Well, what it means is that his heart has been through some sort of trauma and is recovering from it.

And what it means is that my dedication earlier this month to a healthier way of living for myself has really, truly hit home. i committed to it for a reason, for myself, my family, and Padrone...and walking, eating healthier, and drinking more water won't keep me from having health issues, that's for sure. But it can't hurt, as cutting down on stress won't hurt me either.

i am glad that my brother lives in this age of medicine, and not 70 years ago when my grandfather died. i am glad his fear overcame his stubbornness and he drove to the hospital. i am glad he has the support of a loving wife. i am glad he is still around.

Not the kind of blog post i hoped to type this time. Not something i want to think about, type about, or experience. But i am deeply grateful for the life that flows in my veins, and i am going to learn to treasure it and take care of my body so it will take care of me for years to come.

Padrone, i will do better...my stress...my mood...my health...my immune system...my obedience. i do love You, even when it is difficult for You to see.

Refocusing

Tonight we had a wonderful time of refocusing, ourselves, our relationship, who we are not only individually but also to each other. It has left me feeling extremely .... i am not sure i can explain how i feel.

i am grateful to have such a wonderful Master, for one thing. Gratitude for his care, for his seeing what i, what we, need even before i know it myself. Gratitude for his control when i am feeling such a lack of control. Gratitude for his love, and his own need to have things firmly where and as they should be for us. i love this man, with all that i am and all that i will be.

The past few weeks have been almost unbearably busy. i have been working so much that i honestly have had to tell my boss that if i don't have a break, i *will* break. Of course, that didn't stop her from calling me later to work the next day, but i actually refused to do it. i was rather proud of myself, and i hope Padrone was proud of me too.

i have had to reprioritize my life, frankly, because i had let my job become way too high on that list, and that meant that Padrone had to go down. Not a good situation, especially as long as it was going on. If it means that i change jobs, so be it. i have ended up letting my boss take advantage of me far more than i realized, even though i did realize it was happening. And frankly, when i ended up with a pile of laundry too high to see over and no clothes to even wear to work because i had no time to wash clothes, it was time to put my foot down.

And so i did, and i took today off. i was called once from work and i didn't even answer it. i figured if it was that important, they would at least leave a voice mail. :)

It felt wonderful. And then tonight the strong reconnection with Padrone ... that was simply the icing on the cake, as we say.

i am incredibly blessed.

God, Padrone, family (although at times that has to flip of course), home, job. That's it from here on out.

i love You, Padrone. Thank You for showing me so clearly just how skewed my priorities had gotten. i am Yours, and gratefully so.

Just stuff

So i am at work today, and apparently we're going to have actual winter weather here. My dad called me to make sure i had enough wood for the fire, and i guess i can heat soup on it if the power goes out. Thank goodness for pot-bellied stoves!

i have no idea if we'll get as bad as they will, since they are a couple of hours north of here. i do know that the north part of our state is really making drastic preparations, and are expecting a severe winter storm. i know others think it is funny that we southerners "freak out" about snow, but since we experience it so rarely, it IS a big deal! And of course we don't know "how to drive" in snow, and we get silly when we just watch it falling. We love snow - lol.

But this is more than snow, from what i understand. It is going to have ice as well, which wreaks havoc on power lines and such, which is the main reason for the preparations of having wood, etc. And of course, we're concerned about our clients as well. Two of my clients have electric heat with no alternative heat source, but one has family very close by so i am not worried about her. The other client, on the other hand, may or may not have a place to go, since her daughter lives 2 hours away. We'll see what happens though.

Maybe, if it DOES snow, i can take pics and put them on here, non-identifying ones of course, if Padrone approves. We'll see. It would probably make some of you laugh that we get so excited about the snow you may see in photos here though - lol.

Anyway, i am substituting again tomorrow, and grateful for the opportunity. i had to say no one day last week, and i hated to, but there was no one to work for me in the client's home so i had no choice.

i registered for a couple more classes this semester. One will be extremely easy, since i have to retake English 102, and apparently there are no more Special Ed classes that i can take without taking some sort of technology literacy test or something. i think i'm just going to take the GRE and go ahead and start the Masters program next fall at the University of Alabama. It's a hybrid program - mostly online but with a weekend a month or so that is required to be on campus. i can do that, but i'm not totally sure if i can do it and work as a teacher too...BUT if i have taken my GRE, i'll be ready to begin classes in any Masters program. i would be taking graduate classes now if i had already taken it. i know, i know.

i know y'all have to get so bored with my life - lol.

On the relationship front, i think Padrone and i are both kind of ready for some intimacy. Due to circumstances on both sides of the ocean, our privacy has been pretty well eliminated lately. It has tended to make each of us kind of long for more, and so we're being a little creative and coming up with ways to regain a level of privacy. I miss him, y'all. i miss the intimacy of just talking with him without worrying about being overheard - even if we're only saying innocuous things. It's hard when we can't, but we have been together for so long that it doesn't affect our relationship as it would if we were still beginning and trying to make it work. Now we know we work, and what we're doing is more a case of biding our time until we are more free again.

i love him with all my heart. This man believes in me more than anyone ever has in my entire life, and it is because of HIM that i begin to believe in myself as well. i would still be working a dead end, low wage job if Padrone had not encouraged, supported, and eventually required me to research options and actually DO something with my life. And i actually CAN be someone! i can have a life i see others living. i can succeed in jobs that are challenging. i really CAN.

But i never would have believed that if he hadn't, using all the patience he is so famous for, shown me how he sees me, and done it in ways that were so natural that they couldn't have been contrived. i haven't been fed a line or manipulated, i have simply been helped to gain a level of confidence that i would never have attained if it weren't for him. And i like feeling confident about my ability to succeed in life, not just in my ability to be a good submissive to him.

Padrone, sometimes i try to imagine where i would be if you weren't in my life, and it is always a dark, dreary place of existence. You have brought me to life. You have opened doors in my heart and mind that only you can ever know about. Your flower is opening under the tender care you provide her, and Padrone....she is learning to feel as confident and as strong as a rose that blooms in winter. Thank you, my Owner. i adore you.

Choices and consequences, and more choices

i don't do New Year's resolutions, but it seems that after the excesses of the holidays, i typically do tend to make some decisions about my life that i have put off while i enjoyed myself. So maybe one could call them resolutions, although it doesn't take any sort of thought or decision making or planning to make these decisions. They also typically are based on the need for change or for a new direction.

For instance, i have decided that i am going to walk today. i haven't exercised in quite some time, and the day is gorgeous, if cool, and i finally got my ipod to work, so i am going walking. i hope to make it a regular thing, since my working hours are supposed to be getting more consistent and i can more easily get into a routine now than before. i am not making a resolution, nor even a commitment, because this is something i want to do to better myself, it is an active choice i am making, and if it turns into a chore or an obligation (in the beginning at any rate), it will be far more difficult to make myself do it than if i simply grab my ipod and go.

That is how i am about losing weight as well. i am not going to make a commitment to lose weight, although i do want to do just that. What i am going to do is to think about making healthier choices of when, what, and how much i eat. i want to look better for Padrone, but what has been the motivating factor behind this particular thought process is that i want to feel better in general.

i get sick far more than i ever have. Within the past 3-4 years it seems i have been sick at least every couple of months. Used to, i never got sick, maybe one or two colds in a year, or something like that. Since i've known Padrone, i have had the flu, the swine flu, shoulder surgery, gall bladder surgery, more migraines than i can count, colds out the wazoo, and most recently a terrible tummy virus (i honestly think it was a form of the flu, based on how long it took to recover from it). So much of that could be prevented if i was in better health in general. Some couldn't, like the surgeries. But i can, should, and will, take better care of my health to prevent sicknesses and not just deal with them when they "get me".

i have already begun the process of improving my finances, and that is a continuing thing. Padrone had me on a very small, but very firm, saving plan...and i hope to continue that this year but in a way that is on a little larger scale. i am not going to any extreme by any means, but i do want to have money so that i always know my light bill will be paid and that i will always have money for gas in my car. Improving my health will decrease time missed from work, which will increase the financial stability, so see? Making good choices is, for me, the way to go.

i also want to improve my submission to Padrone. i want to find ways to keep our communication going, even if i am working. i want to discover more ways to honor him and please him, and i want to lose the fear of vulnerability that still has its place in our relationship. i want to feel more free to explore, to reveal thoughts and ideas, and to live in the knowledge that Padrone loves for me to offer my submission...which means that my sharing of ideas and thoughts, and even fantasies and needs, that may not be things we have previously explored, is something that he would encourage and really want for me to do.

On the home front, i want to declutter, gradually and yet consistently. i want to clean until the house sparkles, and then rest for a week! i want to begin cooking at home more often, and taking my lunch to work, although again...if that is a "have to" then i'll get resentful and pout and whine and such.

And lastly, i want to improve my spiritual life. That is a very personal choice, and one that i won't speak of here unless i feel the need to do so. So no resolutions, only decisions to improve my life overall.

And yes, i will begin with a nice walk as soon as i finish typing this, and clean the lunch dishes.

Padrone, i am grateful that you haven't pushed and shoved me into becoming the perfect slave, or changing my life totally for you. That may sound selfish, but your patience in waiting for me to see the simple reality that you deserve better than a sick, unhealthy, slave with no money and constant stress because of that...is what has led me to that conclusion. You could have shoved that down my throat, yes, of course you could have. But you don't want to force me, you want me to offer. And now i am.

i offer you a getting-healthier me.

i offer you a more fiscally fit me (or at least a steady push towards that goal).

i offer you a more free, less inhibited me. And yes, that was even scary to type, sheesh.

i offer you a more organized, less cluttered, hence less stressed, me.

And i offer you a more spiritual, calmer, again less stressed, me.

Grazie for giving me the freedom to make poor choices, and the ability to learn from the consequences of those choices. You are truly a wonderful, caring man, and i am immensely blessed to be yours.

Merry Christmas

Wishing all my blog friends a very Merry Christmas!

We don't have big plans, only a quiet family time, and time actually and completely off work for me (hopefully), something that i haven't had in a while now. Both of the clients i am fully responsible for are with family for the holiday weekend, at least, and the secondary clients... well, only one of them may need me and that will be only if someone who is scheduled to work doesn't show up. That has happened fairly often lately though, so i am keeping my fingers crossed about that.

So, on that note, i am going to make candy with my daughter, sing off-key carols with a loving and grateful heart, and thoroughly enjoy my Christmas!

Buon Natale, Padrone, and Merry Christmas everyone!

Holidays and happiness

I love this time of year. It has nothing to do with a peaceful heart or family or any such thing, but it is a very personal, and very spiritual, time of year for me. As a Christian, i love feeling the emotions that are enhanced during this holiday season, because of the love of a God i have the honor of knowing and being known by.

i know that the date of the celebration of the birth of Christ was set due to pagan celebrations that happened at the same time (as were most Christian days of celebration). Frankly, that doesn't matter in the least - who cares what the actual date of the birth of Christ was? It is the celebration of it that matters to me, and to most of the people i know.

For my Christian friends and family, this time of year allows us to reflect upon the joy and peace that we believe is ours because of our faith, which is based upon the birth, life, death, and ultimate resurrection of the one we call the Christ. The celebration of his birth creates a very real, very pure, very strong sense of renewal within me. i love feeling this way, deeply appreciative of what i have been given....more giving towards others as a result.

Here are a couple of pictures that were taken by one of my children, of some of the ornaments on my tree. i love them, and i hope you do too!

Padrone, i love You.

Who are we, really?

And I made a couple more A's in my two classes this semester! Not bad for an old lady, huh? I'm really enjoying taking these classes, which kind of surprised me. But i think i am now old enough that a lot of the things i am supposed to be learning are things i have already learned and am now simply fitting them into an academic setting. There is a lot to be said for life experiences, that's for sure.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post here, and Padrone and i have talked a lot about philosophical issues. Greengirl has made me think about roles and definitions thereof, and a discussion in the chat room we frequent got me thinking about limits, pushing them, and emotional security. i've really been trying to decide what to type here, and i think i'll just start typing and let it flow naturally. Follow along, if you can - lol.

First, about roles. i am an extremely submissive woman. That is my personality, it is how i behave much of the time, and it is definitely a highly regarded trait by Padrone. But that does not define who i am or what i do or how i live in its entirety. It does not tell the entire story of *me*.

I tend to have a problem with people who portray D/s as the only dynamic in their lives. Some people present every aspect of their lives as revolving around "Master" and "slave". Control and obedience. Dominance and subservience. I mean, some take this to the extreme that if the "Master" is in any way unhappy, the "slave" is punished even if she has no clue why she is being held responsible!

i make Padrone happy, not out of fear of punishment if he isn't, but rather because i love his happiness. It makes me happy to make him happy. There is a very real and fulfilling reinforcement for my obedience and submission to him. i love pleasing him, y'all, but not because i am "his slave". i love making him happy, because...a happy Master owns better! (sorry, i had to go there, Padrone!)

But it is true. The happier i make him, the more he will show his happiness, his appreciation, and his love for me - making me happy in return. It truly is a never-ending, wonderful cycle. But what most people miss is that this has absolutely nothing to do with D/s whatsoever.

Sure it makes us happy to participate in a D/s relationship. Because we understand that he is the Master and i am the slave, there are certain dynamics in place that make us happy by their very nature. He controls, i let him (hehehe). No matter how much fun we have with it, though, the bottom line is that no matter what we call ourselves, we would act in this manner anyway.

Why is that? Well, it is simply because that is who we are. It doesn't matter if Padrone has the label of "Dominant" or not, frankly, because he is going to control and take responsibility and make decisions anyway. And no matter what i call myself, i am going to revel in the knowledge that he is controlling and taking responsibility and making decisions, and because of that and the gratitude i feel that he lifts my unwanted burdens, i will offer and eagerly look for ways to please him. And the happier he is, the happier he will make me, and the world, or our little piece of it, becomes a beautiful garden of devotion and respect.

And it doesn't matter what we call ourselves, our relationship, or each other. We are who we are, and we act freely based on the emotional security we have found in our relationship that allows us to become vulnerable to each other.

Which is a topic for another day. Maybe i am naive or just too...i don't know, irreverent of all things D/s or something, but i don't believe all i read online, not even in many of the blogs i read. i don't believe that every waking moment of every day can be devoted to a D/s type of mindset, although i do believe that someone can live a life with strong characteristics found in a role in D/s. i don't believe that what one calls onesself is important, nor is a contract or any of the "trappings" that others deem "necessary" in D/s. We have rules in our relationship, yes, but it is because of a wish of how Padrone wants to feel, or wants me to feel, far more than because we're "supposed" to have rules in a D/s relationship.

It is as Padrone says...throw "the book" out. Nobody can do D/s according to the expectations of others, or by using their guidelines or their relationship as an example. "The book" is filled with those sorts of expectations, and that is a very destructive mindset to have. i am grateful that he and i found each other after he had thrown the book out the window, that's for sure!

Padrone, i love You, and i am Yours, no matter what You are called or what You call me. You are more than Master to me, Padrone. You are my friend, my lover, my love, my man. You are the perfect fit for this woman, and i am deeply grateful that You value me equally as much. i am truly blessed.