Manic Sunday

Not really, I just needed a title for a blog post and it popped into my head. Today has actually been rather relaxed and fun, even if stupid school assignments make me want to throw my computer through a window - lol.

I mean really. How many times do we have to prove that we know what a freaking discourse community is????

Anyway, I'm kind of worried since I am making As on everything and that class's final grade is based on improvement rather than each paper being weighed equally, and I honestly don't know what it will take to show improvement. But then again, I am a 46 year old woman with a degree already, and this course is designed for kids who were in high school last year. This is no more painfully obvious than by those students who think that quoting the "findings" of an article summarizing a study will make the teacher think they have read the entire article, or the student who makes the argument that "I didn't know nurses had dreams" and can't understand why the rest of the class doesn't take his "position" seriously!

My other class, on the other hand, seems to have some more serious students in it, so it is a lot more fun and interesting. I have an A in that class too, btw, so far. I've missed 4 out of 325 points, so I'm not complaining.

Anyway, I've also had a spring cold, coughing and sniffling and sore throat. That's all the symptoms though, so I don't feel as bad as I might if I had sinus pressure or fever or headache. Just chest congestion and related things, so it's not so bad.

So now my daughter and I are sitting at the lake near our town, under a picnic pavilion, while I do schoolwork and she transfers the photos she has just taken to her computer. It's peaceful and beautiful, quite warm and lovely with the dogwoods beginning to blossom and the sun at that gorgeous stage of mellowness.

And I'm happy.

Padrone, thank you for being patient with my grumpiness while I have been under the weather, and for loving me anyway. *kiss*

Being Used

When i am used, i don't feel sexy. i know that Padrone enjoys me very, very much when i am in the throes of agony, need, or whatever he wishes for me to feel. i know he gets aroused so often, when i am lost in my surrender.

And i have seen that some girls seem to be able to do and feel sexy while they are in the midst of being used, even if it is harsh or humiliating or both.

But i don't.

And i am SO grateful that Padrone needs what i offer. i love that he loves using me. i love that he finds his sexual pleasure in my use. The control that he thrives on is SO powerful. That is the most arousing thing, mentally as well as physically....control...and totally releasing that control.

Yes, i do crave and enjoy the use - physically and mentally. God i have some amazing orgasms during his use. Or even if i'm not allowed to, i get the mental.... i don't know what the word is, the terminology, the way to explain the mental place that i go to, and the absolute RELEASE...of what though? Who knows? Who really cares?

But i do not feel sexy in any way or fashion. i don't feel as if i could do or say anything that would in any way be sexy or arousing or bring anyone to orgasm.

But Padrone loves when i am in tears, or begging, or screaming with pain, depending on his need from his slave at the moment. There have been times when i have done all of the above, and more. Who would ever imagine that a fuckpig squealing and drooling and sobbing with pain/suffering/ need/edge would bring anyone to fulfillment?

But, no matter my feelings, my lack of ability to feel or be sexy or sensual, Padrone uses me for his ultimate, utter, wonderful pleasure.

And Padrone, i must say that makes me feel loved, cherished, needed....and sexy as hell.

A few thoughts about D/s

i'm in a strange mood i guess. Things that usually don't bother me are really bugging the stew outta me lately. i'm not talking about my life here, or our relationship, i am talking about ...

i think i am beginning to have a real problem with the romanticized idea of D/s that i see just about everywhere.

Frankly, the idea that "Master/Sir/Ma'am can fix it"....and that submissives can't think for themselves other than to "hear and obey"....no decisions, or wrong ones because only Master can make good decisions....ugh....that kind of stuff really irritates me.

Maybe it *is* because i am in a long distance relationship and a lot of my decisions i have no choice but to make myself. But frankly i honestly believe that my attitude stems more from the knowledge that mistakes are part of being human, and that nobody can live my life for me no matter how "romantic" that may sound in terms of D/s....but the biggest reason is the knowledge that if choices or rules or expectations affect me in a very detrimental way, then they will be changed.

Padrone respects me, my life, and my ability to do or to handle things. He is Master to *me*, specifically, and the only "generic" type of rule that he has, that he would have with any slave he controlled, is that i may not cum without his permission. Other than that, the rules aren't designed to turn me into his idea of a perfect slave. They are designed for him to exert control into my specific life, which will allow me to serve him in the best, most natural, and least stressful way possible.

Yes, now and then there is resentment. Now and then i would *love* a day of just getting in my car and driving....not thinking of requirements, merely offering what comes naturally....or even simply having a few hours of just....doing nothing for anyone....recharging my own batteries....of course there are those feelings, now and then.

i'm human.

And it is that last statement that Padrone understands so well. i am not simply "slave", to him or to anyone. There are many facets to me, and yes i am slave....but i am heard and seen and cared for and cared about and not only for my obedience to him, or when i show a good attitude. He respects my intelligence and my personality and loves me in spite of all my faults.

i don't expect him to be my "knight in shining armor", or SuperMaster, taking all my cares and responsibilities away. He is no CalgonDom, he is simply who he is. He does what he can, but he recognizes, wisely, that there are some struggles that he cannot prevent me from experiencing, and there are some choices he cannot make for me.

Sometimes i wish i could just let it all go and let someone else, anyone else, shoulder my burdens. But that is a temporary feeling, one that is fleeting and stress induced!

Padrone, you have taught me so much, and i am grateful for that. i am glad that you taught me to look beyond the facade of the "romanticized D/s" and see what living as a slave is really all about. i am grateful that you have shown me the true meaning of Master, no matter what or how much of my life you choose to control. Thank you, Padrone, for being consistent, for being constant, and for being steady...the strong stake in the ground for this flighty, skitterish horse to be tethered to. i adore you, my Padrone.

Obedience and judgmental behavior

Lots of things going through my mind, some of which would make some of my readers very happy to hear, but which i doubt i will ever share. Some of the things are simply things i have to think through and try to come out the other end with a positive attitude about.

It's life.

i do try hard to keep a positive attitude about life in general, and about my submission specifically. It isn't always possible, and even when possible it isn't always easy to do so. We all know that. But i honestly believe that submission entails a huge measure of "doing it anyway", as i have discussed in previous posts.

Or it means changing lives, changing habits, to follow instructions. That is what i am dealing with at the moment, because Padrone has altered some of my rules and that is requiring me to alter the way i do things. The thing is, it's not a directive to actively *do* anything, it is more a *when* you do this, you will do this as well. So i find myself actively avoiding the doing of both, because the second is something that makes me feel very uncomfortable, physically. i guess it's human nature to do that, though. Avoidance i mean. i feel badly about it, but i honestly can't handle the required thing for very long at a time, and so the part i have a choice about, i will choose to do in short spurts rather than a long time, which is really a pain.

But it is what being a slave is. i absolutely disagree with those who say that if a submissive person doesn't *feel* submissive, then it isn't submission at all. For me, submitting means agreeing to obey another's rules and mandates. Obedience is not always pleasant, or convenient, or enjoyable, or even desired. There are times, like with this new requirement, that i would give anything to be able to avoid it altogether. No, it doesn't make me *feel* submissive to obey. It makes me feel resentful and childish, but what matters is not how i feel....or not to Padrone at least. What matters to him is how i act.

And i am acting in a way that will turn me into a major homebody, but maybe my house will stay cleaner that way, who knows?

But i am being obedient to his rules, all the while i am protecting myself from as much discomfort as possible. That is human nature. If given the choice, then i will choose to not make myself feel the way his requirement makes me feel, physically. Anyone would, i think.

In our chat room the other day there was a discussion that led into the topic of judging others.

Very interesting topic.

i have thought a lot about this for various reasons, and the best way i can think of to describe my thoughts about it is that we all judge one another, but we don't all act judgmental.

Again, it goes back to the idea that how i feel doesn't matter to others as much as how i *act*.

We all judge though. We judge out of a sense of self preservation, out of a need to define "normal" for ourselves, out of a desire to have people in our lives that meet our own needs. We would have no way of knowing who is best in our lives without judging their actions. And we also would not have any way of knowing who is not good to have in our lives without judging their actions as well.

A very pertinent example of this is the fact that you have chosen to read my blog today. Personally i am not sure what anyone gets from my words, but obviously some people enjoy what they read here - it benefits them in some way even if only to entertain them. And i am sure there are people who peek, say "ugh, not for me" and leave quickly. But see...that is a judgement, and the actions they have reflect that judgement.

That is how we all are. We all judge others. We all act on those judgments. But what hurts others is not our judgments, or even necessarily that we act on them. It is when we point out things that we judge about others, in a condescending, hurtful way, that creates pain and a very bad situation. When we act judgmentally, in other words. It isn't judgment, it is judgmentalism, that is a major problem in our world.

For instance, a major chasm-creator is religion. I despise Christian bashing. i find it extremely painful to be judged based not on *my* actions or words but rather lumped into a group because i call myself a Christian, and having rants and judgments directed with much venom towards me because people who have the same faith have acted in a judgmental manner. As a matter of fact, that very action has caused me to quietly choose not to read someone's words. Not because i felt judged, because i know i will always *be* judged, but because they were behaving in as judgmental a fashion as they accused Christians of behaving, and just as they didn't want to feel the judgment of others, so i didn't as well.

That is another problem with being judgmental, in my opinion. Everyone has the right to judge others, it is human nature and there is no way to prevent it. But while we can't control our judging others, we *can* control our actions and reactions because of judgments. The major problem is that so many of us choose *not* to control our actions, blaming them on others as if we are nothing but a bunch of Pavlov's dogs and when someone says or does something we don't like, we have no choice but to react negatively to it.

Bullshit.

I have even raised my kids to know that the only person who you can control, lives inside your own skin. There are times when it takes every OUNCE of that self control in order to behave as we should, that's for sure. And yes, of course, we all fail at times. None of us are perfect, even if we like to give that impression.

And so, if we choose to lose our self control and act in a judgmental manner, we hurt people we know, people we don't know, and also ourselves. Judging is natural, being judgmental is a choice, a very hurtful choice.

Padrone, i have no idea if this post makes sense or not. i am not going to edit this, i am just going to leave my thoughts as they are, rambling and raw.

i love you, Padrone.

Hello Sunshine

A song that expresses my feelings lately. :)

not *quite* so boring...

Sometimes i wonder if i will ever learn one of the most basic lessons of life - be careful who you trust. i am usually pretty intuitive, but when i trust, i do so with an unwavering loyalty, which is what i think the real problem is more than who i trust. i am good at seeing things, at hearing things, to make judgement usually pretty sound. i can seem aloof i guess...in some situations, although it's usually just lack of confidence that people really do want to get to know me....but part of it is just...waiting to see if someone is who they say they are, if that makes sense. i really have a problem being objective when i finally do trust someone. i trust implicitly, i guess, and that can create problems.

i'm not working with the "understanding boss" anymore. There are no more promises of promotions or "pie in the sky" titles and such. And that wouldn't be a problem, because the separation is formally a temporary thing (i've been laid off), except apparently she hasn't yet registered with the unemployment division in our state, which means that i am not yet able to file for unemployment benefits.

Well, i *could* even without her being registered, apparently, if i had proof of employment. But our checks were handwritten checks, and even though it is 2 weeks past the federal deadline, she has yet to get w2 forms out. And she has some lame excuse, and is apparently in no hurry to do what is right.

So, i've been burned far more than i ever had before, because i have known this woman for years, literally, and never once dreamed that she would be this type of person.

Which is one reason i have been kind of quiet here, i think. It's really hard to admit when one makes that kind of mistake, and the betrayal has to become deep and absolute for me to lose faith in someone. My own personality trait makes me feel like an absolute fool, frankly, and that's hard to admit to myself, much less to anyone else.

And yes, it has affected our relationship, as bad as i hate to admit *that* too. My confidence has been crushed, and it wasn't that great to begin with (working on it, but just not there yet). i have had all sorts of roller coaster emotions, which have of necessity created situations that are ripe for misunderstandings. It hasn't been *all* my fault, i do know that, because problems never are the fault of one person in a relationship. And we haven't been having "problems", just getting upset over small stuff, and i know i have been projecting all my negative feelings onto Padrone or some such psychobabble as that. But we've worked through it all, and i am feeling my own emotions settle a bit, and i am hopeful of even more settling as time passes. And i know it will happen.

For those who think that "online" relationships are less real, or less...dynamic, i guess is the word i am looking for, then all i have to say is that you don't know my Padrone. He would not take less than real, less than all i have to give. Of *course* there are physical limitations, and i am in no way denying that there will be different ways to express the dynamic when we are together than there can be now. But the way he controls me, and yes it is because i obey him even when he can't enforce it in ways other than...trusting me....but he tells me what to do, not just when he wants to and in ways he prefers, but also in times like this, when i am floundering and feeling as if i am wandering clueless, far away from any anchor of stability...

That is when he shows his strength most of all. i know he takes for granted the ability to look objectively at situations and ask questions, gather information, and make informed decisions. i am not sure he understands just how much i admire that quality, especially when it he calls on it when i need it most. Yes, i can do it with others at times, but i still tend to get too emotionally involved even then. Padrone can simply look at things and oftentimes what he says is so clear, and so right, that i am just like...wow....and i sometimes feel stupid all over again.

And lately i have ... not really blamed him for that, but maybe...been far too sensitive because of the rawness of all the other emotions, and so any negative emotion will naturally be magnified.

But today i feel better. i feel as if i have a plan, as if there are changes coming, positive ones. It may be the spring weather, the renewal, the hope that warmth after frozenness brings. (spring-like, i should say. Even in the deep south spring doesn't usually come to stay in February). It may be because i am seeing hope for a teaching job. Not definite hope but this is the time of year that school districts know if teachers are planning to return or not, and so it's the optimal time of year to apply. i have a plan laid out, thanks to Padrone making me do it (told y'all he has a lot of control), and i am following it, a bit every day, to get my name "out there" in a positive way. i have been substituting some, and i have gotten word out that i want to do more of that.

Today i feel as if it will all work out for me. And frankly, today is the first day that i can honestly say that i really don't care *how* it works out for me. In other words, i have finally realized that any consequences that happen for my ex-boss are things she has brought upon herself through her own choices and actions.

That is a major step for me, for a lot of reasons, but it is such a...freeing point of view. And that, i think, is the bottom line for my raised spirits today.

Well, that, and some amazing use, very intense and very much needed, last night. But that's a totally different, and untold, story. :)

Padrone, i always try to say something personal to you to end my blog post, but the only thing i can say right now is a simple...thank you. i am inexpressibly grateful for you, for your control, for your care, for your love. i can never give back even a measure of what you give to me, although i will try for the rest of my life. i love you, my Padrone.

Boring, boring post (you were warned)

i am supposed to be finishing a very boring school assignment right now. And i *do* have my word processing program open, and i *do* have the resource link pages open, but i am taking a break. That's it, a break. *yawn*

i mean, really. How many specific resources ... well, *good* resources ... are out there, with local chapters and interactive websites? I've already done an assignment for one class where i had to find 50 resources for families of special needs individuals, an assignment for another class where i had to come up with 25 resources for educators, and this one where i have to come up with 10 - for specific disorders and a one page summary of each website. How much variety can there be in that? i feel as if i am repeating the same things over and over and frankly it is incredibly boring.

But at least i'm bookmarking some good sites. Who knows if i'll ever use them or not? But i guess the point is to actually have access to them, to be able to provide them if a family wants or needs them themselves.

i have 7 out of 10 completed, and half of number 8. i have to turn it in in one hour and 55 minutes. Well, 54 minutes, *before* midnight my time.

So i don't think i can type anything of substance here this week. i have had a couple of thoughts flitting through my brain but i can't seem to make them settle into actual words. And i don't have time to type them into coherence tonight, like i do sometimes.

i hope i can type soon, something other than this type of thing.

But i won't type about the fact that Padrone and i have had a larger number of misunderstandings lately than we ever have had, and of course it's mostly my own fault. i won't type about the fact that i have really felt my foundation of confidence shake and tremble and outright crumble lately. And i won't type about the fantastic use that happened while i was alone for a few hours on my recent trip with my daughter to see her boyfriend. Sorry about that last - lol.

Padrone, i am sorry this is such a boring, boring post. i will get busy with my assignment and get to bed soon, i promise!

i love you.