Nothing Much

Not a lot to talk about this week, I think. The state board of education representatives were in our school a couple of days this week, and apparently found some compliance issues in the Special Ed department, but I guess it was nothing *too* major. Son has 3 kidney stones, and the pain hit him Friday night while he was at work, so I spent the majority of that night with him at the Emergency Room of the hospital. He is still hurting pretty badly, and I hate that. I am going to call and see if I can get his excuse extended through tonight's shift. Poor son.

Of course, as expected, Padrone has been absolutely wonderful through it all. We both look forward to the weekends so much because we have more time to spend with each other, and when I had things to do last night and I was so totally exhausted from doing things all day yesterday, he told me to rest and not to get online. I am grateful, but I hate the necessity of it. Not that I want to be superwoman or anything. I just miss spending time with Padrone.

There is not much else to say. Things seem to be settling down at school, although I am still not relaxing my guard any. It's funny but the very fact that I seem to know what I am doing is rubbing folks the wrong way (obviously it is folks who don't have a clue, and it isn't just me that says that). I think it is more likely that I am not going to do things the *wrong* way. I was told recently to "watch my back". I assume it is because I refused to do something that not only could have cost me my license, but was in fact illegal. Of course, the superintendent knows about the request for me to do it, the terminology used, and the fact that I refused, so even if there are ... repercussions ... I do have the support of the administration. Frankly, though, I expect it to be far too subtle and covert and all I will be able to do is to grin and bear it, and come home to vent to the wonderful man who allows me to vent as much as I need.

The best thing about that situation, however, is that I have some "behind the scenes" support from folks who have offered to help me and teach me how to do things that I am simply told to do without being told *how* to do them. I am grateful for them, believe me!

And so now I am going to work on my schoolwork, laundry and wardrobe planning, keeping an eye on son, and if I finish my schoolwork in time I am going to go shoe shopping for some nice looking, supportive shoes! Maybe my post next week won't be quite so boring - lol.

I love you, Padrone. I appreciate you more than I can say. I haven't typed my gratefulness lately, but your care for me is one of the most important things in my life, and something that has made all the difference in the world to me. I thank you for caring for me so deeply, my Padrone. I am yours.

Gratitude

Long weekends are wonderful, even if they are filled with wind, rain, and tornadoes from a tropical storm!

School is going well...I mean "work" school. There are conflicts of course, but I do love teaching! I will be glad when I feel more settled, though, and I hope it will happen soon. I hope they're finished changing the schedules for both teachers and students. Poor kids - it is extremely difficult for them when they have no idea where they are supposed to go when. Consistency is key to reaching students with special needs, and when schedules change as often as they have this school year, these students become worried, confused, and upset. It bothers me because it doesn't have to be that way, and because the "powers that be" seem to not even understand that basic aspect of teaching Special Ed. Oh well, I am praying and doing my best, and holding onto my kids even if they have to walk all over campus with me because things are totally "haywire"!

Grad school is also going well. I have a pretty time-intensive assignment due on Sunday, more journal articles and summarizations thereof, but it won't be difficult to do. It may end up being Saturday before I can actually work on it, but maybe I'll have a chance to at least bookmark a few articles before then. We'll see. This class only lasts through mid-October, then my other half-semester class begins. Then I will only lack 5 courses having my Masters! I hope at the end of next summer I will be able to graduate! What a riot that will be, an old lady like me graduating again - lol. But I will enjoy every minute of it, especially if I can keep my 4.0 gpa and graduate with highest honors. Yes, I will be bursting with pride if I can do that!

And this is not what I had hoped to type about today. I plan to talk about gratitude and how vital I believe it is to the success of any relationship, specifically D/s relationships. I hope to present the idea that gratitude, like every other aspect of a relationship, must be balanced in emotion even if not in expression.

I truly believe that many of us struggle with submission because we struggle with gratitude. I am not totally sure why that is, but we tend to think of reasons to feel ungrateful rather than to be grateful. You know....maybe it *is* easier for me since I am not with Padrone daily. Maybe the gratitude I feel for what we have is due to the fact that I don't live with him. Maybe everything we have is totally false because I don't see him face-to-face. Maybe the past 6 years have been nothing more than wishful thinking.

But maybe not.

Maybe I do understand a bit about D/s relationships. Maybe I do understand the importance of gratitude, and expressing gratitude, as much as expressing love or ownership or whatever else one may wish to express. Maybe it really does make a difference .... to feel grateful for little things, big things, and life-changing things. Maybe that gratitude is a way of maintaining a measure of humility that is necessary when serving another - not humiliation, but humility. Maybe that gratitude and humility will go much farther in creating and feeding a desire for our Dominants to meet our needs, than being dissatisfied or irritable or expressing our needs/wants/displeasure with how things are going ever could.

Gratitude, to me, is simply a way to show heartfelt appreciation for who we are in a relationship with. But I am so grateful for so many other things, outside our relationship, and I am learning the value of a grateful heart and the affect that attitude has on the quality of my life.

Gratitude cannot prevent bad things from happening, but it can help us get through some of the worst things without going insane. For instance, when my daughter had her accident, it would have been so easy...*so* easy....to break down and collapse from the weight of the severity of her injury, the "what ifs", the responsibility of caring for her physical and emotional needs. And yes, I did struggle with it when I became so exhausted that I didn't even know what day it was or who I was speaking with on the phone. But for the most part, I chose to focus on the facts that she *is* alive, she *is* mobile, she *is* healing. I looked at the accident site and saw how close she came to hitting a power pole, and how that 4 inches might have changed my world entirely. I looked at the truck and shivered when I realized that her car would never have protected her that way. I saw the straightness of the road she ran off of, and how well maintained the land was, and closed my mind to the trees in the curve a tenth of a mile down the road. Every text asking for me was music to my ears, even though I was exhausted. I was grateful, AM grateful, to have my daughter alive, healing, and happy.

All of the negatives are still there. She *did* have a wreck. She *did* ruin her brother's truck. We *don't* have insurance. There *are* bad things happening as a result of her accident. But I truly believe that being grateful for the positive aspects has helped me to simply let the negatives be what they are, and not turn them into major issues. I deal with them when I need to, but they don't rule my life as they once would have.

Maybe that is why I feel as if this particular attitude is so vital to a healthy relationship. It has literally changed my life, my outlook, and my relationship. I never really have been able to explain this until tonight, but there was one moment, years ago, that I remember quite clearly. Padrone had another slave as well as me, and I had been having major problems with that, even though I knew it when he collared me. But one night, on the phone, I suddenly just....had an epiphany. I realize NOW that it was the beginning of my attitude of gratefulness that has grown and blossomed since that moment. All I knew then was that I had made a conscious choice to focus on him and on us and that the other woman was only an issue for me or for us if I let her be. And I didn't let her be anymore, until the very end of their relationship (long story and not mine to tell, so no details).

The point is that submission is not always easy. But it becomes so much easier when one approaches life and relationships with an attitude of thankfulness for what one has, rather than with eyes focused on what one wants.

Padrone, I had told you that I would like to focus on one thing daily that I am grateful for, and I am going to begin today by saying that I am grateful for peace of mind. I don't know where it is coming from, except from my faith and my belief in myself and in US, but I know that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, and learning through it all. There is so much more I could type here, but I will save it for another day. Thank you for believing in me, Padrone. I am yours, gratefully and wonderfully yours.

Just Plain Happy

I am just plain happy.

I don't get paid until Wednesday, and I'm short of enough funds to last until then, especially with a doctor's appointment for daughter tomorrow. But I'm happy.

I have one working vehicle, and am borrowing and kids are hitching rides to work until I can get another one. But I'm happy.

I don't have nearly enough time for my Padrone, and at times I forget to tell him important things, although I do try hard to remember either when we are talking, or when I type my email to him, or if it is quick then I can text. But I'm happy.

It's obvious whenever he and I talk; he has commented on it more than once that I seem happy. And I am.

I am teaching, finally, although it is still sinking in. Scheduling and even student assignments have been totally erratic. In the first 3 weeks of school, I have had my schedule changed....5 times maybe? And it is still not written in stone! I will be very glad when things settle there. It is really a good feeling, though, to finally be working as a teacher!

And I'm in school as well, taking two more classes towards my Masters, plus an internship towards my final certification. The two classes for my Masters are taken one at a time, though, so it is a little easier. The one this half-semester won't meet online weekly, either, so it is almost like independent study with weekly deadlines, which is kind of the best of both worlds in a way.

And the best part is that finally I have settled enough that Padrone is starting to use me again, to tease me, to have me do things while online, he found a new channel for us that allows scening, something we have missed for quite some time. (the public aspect of scening, the scening hasn't been *that* long since we've done privately!) I'm out of practice for public scening, so I expect to feel quite exposed, vulnerable, and inhibited the first few times we do it, especially if others choose to critique my "technique" as they did a submissive who was scening there last night - lol. I'm afraid I might not be able to focus on the scene if that happens to me, and if someone intrudes in that way....well, I just hope it doesn't happen!

I am so very happy.

Padrone, you are amazing, and I am so very blessed to belong to you. You make me happy. Amazingly, incredibly, beautifully happy. Thank you for being you, for loving me, for taking care of me. I love you, Padrone.

Odds and Ends, and a bit of adoration for my Padrone in the mix

So. Well, timing stinks, but unexpected things happen sometimes. I have a car that I knew was on its last legs, but I was hoping and praying that it would last until I got my first paycheck, and my financial aid refund Sept. 8. But of course it didn't happen - the engine totally conked out on me early Friday morning. I've already missed a day's work. And I have to get to work and my kids have to get to their college 45 minutes away 3 days per week, and we're down to one vehicle that can make that kind of trip. Life is....interesting, to say the least. Padrone used me last night in a strong, powerful way. It was so intense, and so much needed! I've worn the rope he has me wear now and then all day today, so my belly is a bit tender and red beneath the rope, but it is so good to feel it. My holes are still sore from last night's use, too. And used me again tonight until I came and came and came, and ended up in a mushy, teary, grateful state that is so easy for him to bring me to. Sigh. I love that man. You know...it is sometimes hard to put into words things I have been thinking and feeling. Since school started (work-school, not grad school...that starts this week but my first class won't be until next week), I have had so little time to do anything other than work, see Padrone in the evenings, bath, get ready for the next day (wardrobe, lunch, whatever I may need ... taking things a little at a time means that there is almost always something to carry into the school!). The D/s is still present, of course, and it is exciting to be starting a new career and all. I just miss him. The adjustment is taking its own sweet time in settling into routine....well, it only seems that way I know. We have grown so much. I love where we are now, the place where we can enjoy each other's presence, AND each other's busy-ness if that makes sense. We are so much a part of each others' life...it is so wonderful that we are family, even as far apart as we are! I realize this is a short post, and probably not as deep or as wordy as my posts usually are, but I am still kind of floaty from tonight's use, and ... I feel the need to close the door for a while, and keep the intimacy within me instead of sharing even my thoughts with others tonight. Maybe next post will be a more personal, intimate peek into me, him, and/or us. But for now....buona notte, everyone. Padrone, thank you for holding me so tightly, and for loving me so powerfully. I adore you, Padrone, and I am totally, irrevocably, yours.

Collage

<br>One week of teaching fully completed....or should I say one week of absolute chaos? I've already been accused of "coming across as a know-it-all", which simply means that I know my job and actually do it. I also understand what is required of me to get my 5 year license, and I kind of do what I am supposed to do to and if others don't want to help, then I figure out how to get it done. That has apparently bothered some folks - lol.

I don't have much time to live, especially with the after school discussions and "how are things going" conversations, and such. But Padrone and I have been able to talk every evening, thankfully. It has been a transition, and it will continue to be for a  while yet, but now I finally believe that it will gradually work out.

And tomorrow (in US time) is Padrone's birthday! I have nothing for him this year, about which I am a bit embarrassed and guilty. But he knows I love him, and I wish that his day is as wonderful as he is!

He was sick this week, as well, including a trip to the emergency room. He is fine, but I freaked out when I heard. Of course. I don't know how much Padrone realizes about how freaked out I was, but he is so rarely sick, much less *that* sick, that I kind of take it for granted. Bad, bad, bad. I do have to fight the urge to nag, though, which I do successfully I think. For the most part anyway - lol.

So that's pretty much all that is going on around here. I'm too busy to do much other than work, talk with Padrone, and sleep during the week. On the weekends I do chores, laundry, and grocery shop. It will take time for things to settle in, even in the home life, but I treasure the weekends because I get to see Padrone twice per day again.

I love that. I value it. Even when I'm irritable and grumpy and I tell Padrone and he offers to let me go to bed instead of talking with him! (I usually *don't* take my grumpy moods out on him, but I do try to let him know when I am feeling that way anyway).

And other than keeping an eye on the tropics, and waiting for the daughter's next doctor's appointment, things are going well. I am really enjoying teaching, and I have already had one of those "ah-ha" moments when a student "got it". Of course, the student may not remember it tomorrow, but it's all good. It was very rewarding, at least!

Padrone, I hope your birthday is very special, and you enjoy dinner with your family. I know you will, of course, but I hope it is even more special than you expect.

I love you, my Master. I am yours.

Just a few thoughts

So I went back a few posts and read what I had typed, and I realized just how choppy and how incomplete it was. I'm going to rehash some things this post, but hopefully create order out of chaos - lol.

My daughter had an accident several weeks ago, and ended up breaking her back in two places. Two compression fractures, in vertebrae L1 and L2 for those who may know what that means, which translates into lots of pain for her and a slow recovery, but no surgery (thank God). She spent a few nights in the hospital, then several weeks at home, and is now able to have a bit more independence.  She is able to start college later this month as she had planned, so she is indeed a happy girl.

I got a job teaching an hour or so away from home. I've worked 4 days so far, and tomorrow the students' school year begins. I'm really excited about it, as one might expect - lol. I have to wake up before the chickens though, so I have planned my week's wardrobe already and have them sorted by outfit...except shoes. I'll have to do that in a little while. I'll also pack a lunch for tomorrow too.

And in my classes, which I did finish even though daughter's situation was quite demanding, I missed 3 points out of 1190 in one class, and made a perfect score in the other class! It wouldn't have been possible without the flexibility of the professors in lifting any consequences for me turning work in late, though. But they were more than understanding, and I am extremely grateful to have had these two particular teachers!

The drive, and the timing of my leaving for work, has meant that I can't talk with Padrone in the mornings anymore. I miss that, I miss him. But it has worked out that I can see him in the evenings, or talk with him, and I love that. It's hard though. This weekend has been nice, knowing that I can see him or talk with him more than during the week. And of course, since I live in a very rural area, there are several private spots with a cell signal on the way home, so that when the weather cools off a bit (it's over 100 degrees where I live, most days lately), it is my hope that I can be used some. I may have to get a bit inventive in terms of toys, because the *last* think I would wish to happen is to have sex toys found in my purse or another bag! I can't leave them in the car because of the heat, of course, and since I am a teacher it is a bit more important than if i were a mid-level manager in some generic office somewhere. But it won't look strange if I take a cucumber for lunch and "forget" to use it in my salad, or something like that. And of course, there are always things that can be covered with condoms and used, such as flashlights or hair brush handles or whatever. And they make these cute little vibes that look like lipsticks too, so I may try to find something like that. The point is that whatever Padrone uses to fill his slut's holes doesn't necessarily have to look like a cock, or an obvious sex toy either!

As long as it can be covered with tiger balm, and as long as I keep a towel handy in my car, we're good to go! (or cum, as the case may be).

Yes, I am horny, in case you couldn't tell.

And since I have totally forgotten what was so strongly on my mind last night that I had planned to type about here, I am going to end this post and go rope myself with a very tight crotch rope per Padrone's instructions, and struggle for the allotted time not to cum. Wish me luck. It won't be easy today, I'm afraid!

Padrone, I adore you. I yearn for you, and I long for your use. I will be so glad when the changes have become a new routine, and there is less uncertainty in our lives in terms of when and for how long we can spend time together. Thank you for being so proud of me, and for wanting me to follow my dreams, even though it has meant so much more .... interesting .... in our lives. Thank you for being the consistency in my often-chaotic world. Thank you for being the strong, solid rock that I can depend upon always being there, and always holding me up even when I am ready to sink. You, my love, are my world. Thank you, Padrone.

Today!

Tomorrow I start my new job. I am thrilled and excited and ready - I have been waiting for this day for years, literally. I will finally be teaching, Special Education, in a small school district, inclusion-only, with a total of 10 students, of which the vast majority are mildly learning disabled with few behavior problems. I will miss not having a classroom of students, in some ways, but this way I will be able to focus on a few students as well as on building positive working relationships with my coworkers. I really am excited about it.

So lots of changes are coming in the next few weeks. And since my daughter's accident and the severity of her injury, along with the even more intense compression of already compressed summer classes, I haven't had a lot of time or privacy to be available for Padrone's use.

Until today.

.....today....

Today, my daughter drove to town for the very first time alone, since the accident. Today, my son went to work around the same time. So today, I had a wonderful, and wonderfully unexpected, bit of privacy today.

And Padrone used his slave. He took pain, pleasure, suffering. He was begged, his control strengthened, the power surged almost electrically between us. I begged for pain, for pleasure, for release, for HIS release. I burned and buzzed and humped and was filled to overflowing while even my clit was burned with tiger balm.

And now, I am almost in tears as the submission that is always there but not often expressed to such a deep degree fills my heart until there is nowhere for the emotions to go other than to be conveyed through words, tears, thoughts - mushiness.

I needed today, because of yesterday and because of tomorrow. To be so firmly reaffirmed was absolutely perfect. I feel fresh, renewed, revived.

Padrone, can the words "thank you" ever express enough of the gratitude I feel?  Can you feel my heart, my Padrone? Can you tell just how grateful I am for the connection before yet another change in our circumstances which will likely affect our connection even temporarily? Can I ever let you know how glad I am that things worked out today, with your schedule and my unexpected privacy?

Do you have any idea just how much I love you, and love to express that love in all the ways you enjoy seeing it, Padrone? I am so yours. And I am so grateful that you are mine as well. Thank you, so much, for today... for all our todays, in all the ways we experience them even if not as dramatic or as intense as this today. I love you, my Master. Forever.