A Sprinkle of This, A Pinch of That

And no, Padrone, I did not mean for the title to have a double meaning! For those who don't know, the way Padrone and I first got together was in a BDSM chat room where he pinched my ass, I pouted, so he pinched my nipple for pouting!

Right now the feelings of submission that are so wonderful and fulfilling are washing over me like rain on a parched flower. There is a huge, massive sense of relief, since I was offered a job yesterday that I am not averse to accepting. A couple of hours later I was called about scheduling an interview for a job that would be with a very, very good district - it is almost unheard of for there to be a job opening there. It's the kind of district that nobody leaves unless they retire or die. :) So I am still going to that interview, a week from today. And I'll find out soon if I passed that Praxis I took a few weeks ago, and I'll know if I can add that particular endorsement to my license or not. It's turning into a pretty darn interesting time, thank goodness.

I have had a couple of topics in mind to type about, but I have lost them apparently. Oh well, life has been happening like crazy lately, but it is my hope that I'll have a couple of weeks of relative quiet before going back to work.

And since this blog is supposed to be about our relationship and how I live as a long distance slave, I'll let y'all know that we just passed our 7 year anniversary of the beginning of our relationship. Not my collaring, but the beginning of our relationship. I've been feeling so submissive, although little sexual has been happening. Until yesterday, I mean. :)

Yesterday was a sudden, unforgettable need on his part, for his slut to give him a bj. It was hot, quick, and apparently more needed than even HE realized! I love doing that most of the time, even if it takes me a few minutes to get into the right mindset most of the time. Or to think of a scenario in my mind, and how to present it effectively. Or how to be creative and vary the wording in order to eliminate repetition as much as possible. But I know so many of the things he loves, after all this time, and I can include them naturally now even if it isn't how I served when we got together. Well, I take that back. How I served was to please my partner to the best of my ability. What I did then was to kind of....use what I had discovered was most effective to please the most men, and personalize them into my way of serving. In other words, it was quite generic, but they didn't know it! And yes, I often sprinkle what HE loves with my own fantasies and needs, so it's kind of the best of both worlds meshed into one hot, sweaty, intense, consuming mess. Making me squirm even now, just thinking about it!

I never realized how valuable that time of being a whore was!

And I don't have much to say, because I'm just feeling so mushy and loving and submissive right now that I can't think of any topic that I would like to talk about. I'm madly in love and looking forward to the opportunity to see my love in a few minutes online. Btw, if any others are in a long distance relationship, or even if you aren't but communicate via text or cell phone, there is a wonderful app out there for iphone/ipad and Android phones/tablets, that allows you to send voice messages instead of texts. It's called Voxer. I love it, since I get to hear his voice far more often than I did (Skype doesn't work well with satellite internet so I can't use it at home, and that limits our conversations with voice, unfortunately). And he is more likely to send a quick voice message than to go to the computer and type something to me. And of course, the inflection with voice is so wonderful, even if I can almost hear him saying the things he types when we are on IRC together - it isn't quite the same of course. So that's my tidbit of the day.

Padrone, I adore you, my love. I simply, totally, wonderfully, magically, adore you.

We are indeed Strong Enough to Bend

Padrone, this is the song I was thinking of when we talked this morning. It's country, and older country at that, but I have always loved its meaning.

Forever and Always yours, my Padrone.

On the "Breaking" Bandwagon

There is an ongoing discussion in a couple of the blogs that I read concerning breaking a submissive. I'm going to speak about that for a little bit, then I have a couple of other thoughts that I will share today.

I usually don't feel compelled to comment on what others are discussing in their blogs and comments. But this topic struck a major chord with me, and so I just wanted to share my own thoughts about it.

Lucky y'all.

First, this is my opinion, and only my opinion. If your opinion differs, wonderful! But know up front that I am not making any sort of comment that should be taken as anything other than strictly my opinion.

With that being said, I will just jump right in. I've seen where others have compared "breaking" a submissive with breaking a horse (which means training the horse to be ridden). I have seen where some have compared being "broken" with being beyond their own control, beyond thought, beyond themselves. But for me, a broken person is....emotionally damaged. Their spirit is broken. They have been harmed emotionally, simply because someone wanted them to change and they did not have the emotional or physical resources to prevent it from happening.

In my opinion, "breaking" a submissive is abuse, because of the definition I have given...the definition that is how *I* think of a "broken" person.

There is what I call a "victim's mentality" that is so pervasive in an abused person's psyche that it is extremely dangerous and allows abusers to do whatever they will with and to that person. I have seen more broken women and children in my life than I care to think about.

But I also own horses, and watched one of them being "broken" to ride. If one wants to compare the breaking of a horse to the "breaking" of a woman, then one must really understand that "breaking" a horse is nothing more than training a horse to trust that when a person gets on his back, that he has a job to do and will simply do it - that the rider will not harm him or cause him damage. The problem is the technique - it can be done cruelly in which the horse obeys out of fear, or it can be done through trust, after which the horse has a totally different personality that if he is trained through fear.

There are many, many ways to guide a submissive....to give her the control she craves...to help her learn self control and responsibility for her own actions without carrying the guilt of the world on her shoulders....to give her the structure (Padrone calls it a framework) for her life that helps her remain contained and controlled...without breaking her. Guide her, train her if you use that terminology, show her, help her....but look at what I typed....in my opinion, the guidance itself should be all about her.

Sounds backwards, doesn't it? But frankly, if a Dominant simply wanted "a" submissive, and not "the" submissive, then it wouldn't matter who wore his collar or knelt at his feet. So it should be about meeting her where she is, accepting her *as* she is, and guiding her into the best she can be. This can be done through building trust, accepting, loving....in other words, a positive manner...or it can be done through violence, intimidation, and fear. It happens out of the latter motives far, far too often.

I've seen others defining "breaking" as a totally different thing. It means something totally, absolutely different to them, and I call what they describe a totally different thing. I'm not commenting on those definitions, because they aren't my thoughts. I am simply typing what I feel and think about "breaking" a submissive as I define it.

And since my definition is what it is, it disturbs me at a very deep level to hear a submissive ask to be broken. I understand that craving for deeper, ever deeper, control and constraint. I understand the need to release all responsibility to the point that we don't have to think about anything, simply hear and obey and suffer no consequences unless we screw up. I understand that. I understand that need to be rescued and taken care of, to be forced rather than to admit that we need, what we need. But the bottom line is that we, none of us, can live that way for long.

If a submissive does not take responsibility for making choices for herself other than to relieve herself of all power, control, and responsibility, then she does not consent to be in a D/s relationship. That relationship is not consensual. It is not "TPE". It is not Master/slave. It is simply a submissive with a "victim mentality" who needs that control in her life but who does not want to face the consequences for anything negative that may happen in a relationship. She doesn't want to say "I need this" because if she did then she would have to take responsibility if she becomes involved with the "wrong" man, or if something happens that she really *doesn't* want. Or if she doesn't say "no" to something harmful....if she has been "broken" then she is absolved of all responsibility.

I am a firm believer that a person who can overcome that mentality and begin to truly take full responsibility for her life, even after she is in a D/s relationship (even moreso then - no excuses, just "man up" and take responsibility for screw ups), then she is one of the strongest people I have ever met. And I touched on just how difficult this kind of strength is in a previous post. This is the kind of strength that is hard, so hard, to accept about ourselves as submissives because it means we have no choice but to accept that kind of responsibility. That's exactly opposite of what we want, mostly.

But I have long said that we cannot give to someone else that which we do not have, whether it is control (as in self-control, and that's a topic for another blog post), responsibility, power, or whatever D/s is all about for you.

This is exactly why, to me, "breaking" a submissive leaves a "broken" person, and the obstacles that "broken" person must overcome in order to be healthy and happy, or as healthy and happy as she can be. Guide me, lead me, show me what you want, including the emotions and the attitudes you desire in me....but please, please do not break me. Leave me whole and healthy, and better than I was when you found me.

Padrone, these thoughts are likely not new to you, although I may not have ever expressed them just this way before. But once again you can see just how much I appreciate how you are, and why I am deeply grateful for how you have always treated me with utmost respect. You give all you have ever asked of me (except things in my ass, but hey, I'm not complaining!)...and have treated me as you expect to be treated. Padrone, one day you may get tired of me saying how grateful I am to be yours, but I am never going to tire of saying it, of feeling it, of showing you just how much you mean to me. No, I'm not one of those women who give all and feel eternal gratitude when someone is nice to her or treats her halfway decently. You are the one who has shown me who I can be and even who I am. I am grateful from a place of strength, my love, and not weakness. That makes me feel even more, ever more, grateful for the guidance and leadership you have given to me for all these years. I love you, Padrone. Forever.

What's the Attraction?

Well, hello again! First, a life update: I have taken another Praxis exam in hopes of adding another endorsement to my teaching license which would enable me to stay at the school district I was last year. It would also enable me to move to other areas far more easily since there are also so few of these types of teachers in the entire state, much less in my area. So we'll see. I just took it today so it will be a few weeks before I know the results. In the meantime I am still working on job hunting, of course, with my current certification. So it's kind of a wait-and-see situation, with me being proactive in the wait.

Daughter moved into the dorms at her college this summer, and so I am alone now for the most part. The ex is still here a lot and daughter hasn't yet made a complete break but I'm not complaining. It's unusual to even have as much time alone as I do have, and I'm enjoying it for the most part. I miss my kids of course, but I am enjoying the beginning of this new phase as well.

Padrone and I are just as happy as ever. He is the most encouraging, supportive man I know, y'all. I could be nothing, do nothing, if he weren't. I would still be working at some God-awful job if it weren't for his encouragement (and yes, I will go back to something like that if I have to, believe me.) But to know that I have the training and education and certification that allows me to do better when "better" opens up for me is far more wonderful than I can explain. And I owe every bit of that emotion to my Padrone. Yes, he will say that I did the hard work, but honestly....his work of believing in me until I believed in myself was far more difficult than anything I did myself, for sure.

So I owe so much to my Padrone, but our relationship doesn't work that way. I would not be where I am, *who* I am, if it weren't for him, but I daresay that the opposite is also true. Balance. Mutuality. A perfect symbiosis of male and female, Dominant and submission, Padrone and me.

What is it that draws me to him so powerfully? If you met him, you would see a very personable, pleasant, witty man who loves to laugh and has a very unique and refreshing way of looking at things. He is intelligent, dedicated, committed, loyal, creative. He is wicked when he wants to be, arrogant now and then. He can be very sexual, and a bit of a sadist but not for the sake of pain - more for the sake of the extreme power he feels when I suffer extremely for him. He is a tease, a tormenter, for the joy of my suffering and the focus on *him* that it brings.

He accepts so much about me that I never even saw before him. I thought I knew myself pretty well, and I would give lip service to things that I know now to be far more important and more vital aspects of myself than I ever dreamed. I would always say "I know I'm smart but..." and that was alright but the reality is that I *am* a very intelligent woman and I needn't minimize that or excuse it or act as if it is of far less importance than the negative parts of my personality simply because there *are* negative parts of my personality. Padrone's ability to see the good in me when I was so insistent on acting as if the good is not worth seeing, is one of the first things that I truly loved about this man.

He is a realist. Oh, he has his dreams, don't think he doesn't. His mind is never "off", and I am always amazed by the things he has been thinking when he chooses to share! He rarely discusses his ideas until they are pretty well thought out, and it's like his mind doesn't stop spinning in the background, even when we're discussing the weather and I'm wondering if he is bored cos there's little conversation going on! But he sees things realistically in general. That helps me gain so much perspective when I am having issues or my own mind is tearing on a tangent or spinning 90 to nothing. He can see the trees in the midst of the forest, or even the forest instead of the trees if need be. He can really put things into a realistic perspective in terms of what can be done and what should be done, and what can't or shouldn't be done. I don't know if it is him being male that is the reason for it, or if it is that is just his unique ability, but it is highly unusual, in my experience. Maybe it is as much that he cares about doing what is best for *me* and not just what makes him feel better as a Master or whatever.

And that, my friends, is the most wonderful thing about this man, to me. He truly cares about my life, my circumstances, my happiness. Just as I care about his. That is the reason that from the very beginning of our relationship he spent a lot of time learning about my life in general. He developed rules, expectations, and consequences that are an expression of his knowledge of my life and also of his unique ability to control without being unreasonably intrusive simply to enforce some arbitrary expectation of what and how "his slave" will be/do/behave. That's what I have always wanted to capture with my words but until now have never even come close. But from the very beginning, Padrone wanted a personal relationship with a woman, not a general "Master/slave" relationship that could happen with any woman who was obedient and submissive enough to follow a generic set of rules.

And that attribute is priceless, and brings tears to my eyes every single time I think about it, bar none.

Padrone, I am so grateful that you are who you are. You always ask me to tell you who I am, but you may not understand that who I am is made so much more....everything....because of who *you* are. I am deeply grateful for all the things I didn't understand early in our relationship because I was expecting a generic "Master". I am still so amazed that you simply wanted a personal, intimate relationship and that you realized just how much *more* personal and intimate it can be when D/s is unique to the individual relationship. How patient you were to wait for me to "catch up" to your desire and experience and understanding of how it can be, and how to get it there....Padrone, I adore you. I am so grateful for who you are, and I love you more than words can say. I am yours....and so humbled that you are mine as well. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone. Simply yours.

D/S?

Padrone and I had a conversation the other day...well, probably weeks ago by now but anyway...it was all about how he believes that only strong women can truly submit. I want to argue every time I hear that, for lots of reasons - lol. But Padrone went so far as to say that he thinks we type it wrong...it shouldn't be D/s, but rather D/S, to indicate the equality of strength required by each person in the relationship.

I didn't argue with that, for some reason.

The bottom line is that I hate to admit that I am strong. I don't want to be strong. I get so tired of pretending to be strong.

Sometimes I wish I could simply let go of responsibility and just turn things over to Padrone to handle. I wish I could take a break from being strong. I wish I could find a couple of hours/days/weeks (I'd get too bored, that's just the stress talking) where I didn't have to think of anything. No decisions beyond what to fix for dinner. No questions to answer. No situations popping up to help deal with. No kids, teachers, administration with issues. No job hunt. No school. No work. Just me, a stack of books, and Padrone.

But the fact is that I *am* a strong woman. I am getting stronger as I get more confident, which is kind of strange, but it's true. Or maybe I am just noticing it in myself, which is truly amazing when compared to the person I used to be. And the stronger I become, and the more I recognize that strength, the stronger our relationship itself becomes.

See, I have a kind of an unusual philosophy regarding relationships in general.

I believe that strong relationships depend totally on balance. I think that we all recognize that the Dominant partner in this type of relationship is typically a strong type of person. And I think that most Dominants will acknowledge the strength of submissives even if we subs don't see it in ourselves, or don't want to see it. But the reality is that if we are emotionally weak or unstable, it doesn't matter how strong our Dominant partners are...the relationship will be weakened by our weakness. Especially, in my opinion, if the "weakness" is deliberate.

I know submissive women who are looking for their "Dom in shining armor" to take them away from it all. I call these mythical creatures Calgon Doms after the commercials for Calgon bath oil from years ago when the woman begged Calgon to "take me away". Oh yes, I love to have that kind of thing now and then - who doesn't? A time of pampering myself and recharging my batteries. But as a way of living? No...I could never be the princess always in need of rescuing. Besides which, often what these subs want to escape from is actually themselves. And no amount of Domliness could ever change a person who doesn't wish to change without being forced into it.

But if the partners are relatively balanced in their emotional strength and stability, then the relationship has the potential to be strong and healthy. Balance is the key in everything, when it comes to healthy relationships.

Which means that Padrone is right, even though there are times when I simply do not want to admit it. Submissives *are* strong women, and admitting strength means that one must be strong. No excuses, no running, no shifting. Yuck.

I'd much rather leave strength to Padrone, who does it so well.

Padrone, I admire you so much, for so many things, but your wisdom and common-sense way of looking at things top the list. I am so grateful that you have guided me (intentionally or just because it is how you look at things and you simply shared your philosophies with me) into a grudging admission of my own strength, and a similarly grudging admiration of how that strength has helped me become a better submissive, mother, teacher and most of all a better woman. Thank you, Padrone, for so many things that I can't even name. The gradual way which I have learned to value myself is a direct result of how you value me and how thoroughly, and beautifully, you show me the value you place on your tesoro. (I probably got that word wrong, but you know what I mean.) Forever yours, my Padrone. Forever.

My Padrone

First, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

It's been so long since I have written here that I have almost forgotten how, I think! My apologies for that, but I had another round with kidney infection, side effects of a very strong antibiotic, and finishing my last assignment for school. I am maintaining my 4.0 gpa, thank goodness, but this class was a struggle since I chose to do my exams as part of a group assignment rather than doing them on my own. The group wasn't as concerned with excellence as I was, I guess, and we barely got enough points for an A. But I still kept my A and learned quite a valuable lesson in the process!

Only 9 more days until my summer vacation starts! I am incredibly ready for it, believe me! One of those days is Fun Day for the kids (and teachers, but we're not telling the kids that!), and one is Make Up day for finals and very few, if any, students will attend that day. Two of the days are teacher inservice days and if I had any leave time left at all I would stay home for those because what is discussed will not apply to me since I won't be there next year. Oh well, I may learn something not specific to this district, so it may not be wasted time. And no, that is not what I expect - lol.

Padrone and I have both been busy, but we make time for each other as much as possible. It will, of course, be easier when I am home for the summer. Since getting the Voxer app we hare more in contact with each other, I think, and that is incredibly nice. Technology is wonderful.

My thoughts lately have been travelling along two paths it seems. I'm not sure if I can explore both paths in one post but I will try - if only to get them to stop running around my brain!

Once, Padrone told me that he likes the way he is and he won't change - for me or for anyone. Yes, it was quite arrogant, and it's truly how he is. His thoughts are that he is the Master and there is no way he will change for a submissive. And you know, I too believed that the vast majority of the changing would (and should) be done by the submissive. I mean, if the Master is changeable, then the submissive doesn't get her own needs met since consistency is a major need that most submissives have.

But, as one might imagine, change happens, even in Padrone. I think most of the changes in our relationship happens because we are changing ourselves. When we first met, most of the needs we explored were sexual in nature of course. There were other needs, but at that point the sexuality of our relationship was enough to meet most of them....as deeply as we felt comfortable trusting each other. It wasn't long before his need for control....just sheer control.....began to rise to the surface.

You know, what is amazing is that he owned a slave when we met, and he *still* needed to control my life outside our online life. And I was quite terrified and insecure when he released her because I knew of his deep need and I honestly didn't have a clue if I could meet his needs or not.

But Padrone's needs changed. He came to not need "control", but rather to control *me*. He needed my submission, my obedience, my pleasure, my pain. *mine*. Padrone changed, so our relationship changed. As I came to trust that change, it relaxed me and I was able to focus even more strongly on him and his needs.

As time passed, Padrone began to reveal himself to me, not just the "Master", but himself. With increased intimacy came more changes. He trusted, he accepted, he encouraged, he supported. He gave, he didn't just take. And when we began our relationship he would say "A happy slave serves better" when I would appreciate what he would do for me. But as time passed he simply revealed that he loves when I am happy....not for the selfish reason he once gave, but simply because I am happy.

And we have evolved into a natural type of D/s, for lack of a better way to describe it. He took so much time to get to know me and my life, and to exert his control in ways that were attainable, "do-able"...not simply create arbitrary and generic rules that didn't fit me, that our evolution has been at times almost imperceptible. What he values most is obedience, submission....not that I fit into a preconceived mold of what "a slave" or even "his slave" should be. Submission means learning what pleases him and doing my best to do so. That is his most basic expectation of me, and it always has been. He has *always* put rules into place that were for my betterment as a submissive and as a woman....not simply to ensure my development into the "perfect slave" or whatever.

His basic expectations of me have not changed, in that he still expects me to learn how best to please him and to do my best to do so. But he has become far more open, more giving, more concerned with meeting my own needs than he ever was. He has changed, in small ways that have only become apparent over a large amount of time, but the most wonderful way he has changed is that he is happier now than he has been since I have known him.

Padrone, I adore you. I am so thrilled every time it hits me that *I* make you happy. I love our relationship, I love being yours, I love your happiness with me, and I love knowing that we are bound together with the strongest cord of all. Where we are, what we have, is more than I ever dreamed I could have in my life....and making you happy is something I never truly believed I could do. But now....now, I not only dream....but I believe...I *know*....and am just as happy as you are. I can never thank you enough for being patient, consistent, loving and forgiving enough to enable us to reach this place. You are mine, I am yours, and together we are more than we are individually. And words fail me, far too often, when I consider who you are to me. I am irrevocably and undeniably yours.

A Quickie

I was supposed to type this over the weekend, but of course I didn't. Ugh.

I've got another kidney infection, and the family practice doctor I have been going to has referred me to a urologist. I see him on Thursday. I'm actually wondering if waiting until school is out would be a better idea since I am currently on another round of antibiotics, a different type, and it may actually knock it in the head this time. Of course, the biggest reason I wonder if waiting until school is out would be a better idea is because I don't really want to go at all. But I will. Double Ugh.

I also have another job interview tomorrow afternoon, which is a good thing. I was beginning to get...not worried, but really aware of the ticking of the clock towards the end of the school year. I know many principals like to have their positions filled before school is out so they (hopefully) won't have to worry about it over the summer. This is the second interview in this same district but the first was with a high school and this is with a Junior High. I know I am strange but I love teaching Junior High, so part of me really hopes I get this one.

And I had planned to type something different here this time. I hope I get a chance to do so soon, but for tonight I am going to go take my pain tablet and go to bed.

Padrone, I adore you, and I am so sorry about getting sick *again*. I *am* glad it was *after* this weekend, though, because of the intimate and wonderful things that happened then! You are so very, very good to me, Padrone. I am so grateful to belong to you, the only one who could ever be so incredibly, magically perfect for me! I am yours.