i was thinking again this morning.
i can't really explain the thoughts, they aren't well formed, but i was thinking of humility and pride and how they seem so diametrically opposite, and in fact they are, but they can and do coexist peacefully within me. How can that be? That's what is difficult to explain, but i will attempt to do just that.
i am so very proud of who i am, and who i belong to, and the progress i have made in my personal life. i truly don't recognize myself at times, especially when i look at where i have come from. There is no way that i could ever convey the dramatic difference, and even if i could, y'all would have a difficult time believing it. Padrone can attest to that fact, if y'all want to ask Him. His slave, His woman, has grown up while wearing His collar.
i am so proud of that, y'all. That has taken quite a bit of work, introspection, realization of things that i have no choice but to accept about myself, and even recently things that i refuse to accept because i am not convinced that they are truly who i am....and the struggle that it creates even now. But i know that eventually i will be able to work through it and find out more about myself - even if it is that i *am* who i thought i was in this particular area.
This struggle is internal, and it isn't something that Padrone requires. The struggles aren't His, they have no effect on Him as long as my behavior is appropriate....except the effect that any internal changes bring to our relationship. That is my point - He wants me to enjoy, to be happy, but that isn't His main concern. He cares about my obedience. My enjoyment is a bonus, to me and to Him as well. He loves my pleasure, but His own pleasure is what it is all about, and HIS pleasure comes from my submission, my surrender to His will.
i know that i please Him. That is also a source of pride for me. i am so proud to know that the simple country girl that i am, is pleasing to a man as wonderful as my Padrone. For me, that is a new feeling...knowledge that i please, simply because i am who i am. i am submissive, deeply submissive, and Padrone needs just that. But it isn't merely my submission that He loves. i finally know that it is all of me, and i can't help but smile with pride that i am His.
But the humility aspect....how can i not feel humbled by the degree of intensity of our interaction, our relationship? i suspected from the beginning that He would control more of me than anyone ever had before, and more deeply as well. But nothing prepared me for what He does control, and how He does it. Nothing could have prepared me for it. He has said in the past that He wonders if there is a limit to my submission, and honestly it hasn't been found yet...but neither has His need and desire to control me either.
This incredible Master, and who He has shown Himself to be to others is only a taste of who He really is, that i can honestly say, has found in me...in me....the slave that meets His deepest desires. How can i not feel so humbled by that fact, even while i swell with pride to know that it is so?
i have thought, and i have discovered that humility itself, is a totally different kind of power.
i am humbled by what we have, Padrone. i am honored by Your collar, by Your ownership, and all that it entails. i bask in the pride that You feel for me, my Owner. But the relationship itself....the intensity that is ever-deepening... the control...the submission...the emotions....the behaviors....the surrender and the need for such deep surrender.....THAT is what truly humbles me.
What we have, Padrone, is something larger than both of us combined should have been able to create. What we have can only have been created by emotions and needs and connections that are destined for one another. That is what i find humbling, and yet in that humility... is the power to increase, to strengthen, to grow, to expand, and to inflame what exists until we are both consumed time and again with one another, and with the relationship itself. It can only happen with You...and with me.
"i love You" is a very pale image of the place You have in my heart, mind, and in my life. i am Yours. Completely.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Two Years...and counting
Who would have ever believed it?
i have belonged to the most wonderful Master in the world, for two complete years. i haven't worn His collar quite that long, but His ownership began two years ago when, during a typical PM conversation, the topic turned to control. Somehow the time was right to give in to my yearnings to belong to this man, and with His guidance, i asked for His control to extend beyond IRC and into my real life. i asked to become His.
And i was accepted.
Thus began my journey from whore to slave, from girl to woman, from a 'free slave' to a truly freed slave. Over the last year or so y'all have learned a lot about the journey itself...maybe more than y'all wanted to. But the beginning...
i can still feel my heart race as i considered the questions i must ask. i still feel the butterflies fluttering madly as i thought about the consequences of my actions - or the limited consequences i could foresee at the time. i still feel the anticipation, almost breathless as i waited for His answer. i still feel the joy that washed over me so strongly, so suddenly, at His acceptance of me and my submission.
That moment changed our lives, in some ways immediately, but in others the change has been so gradual that i haven't even noticed it at times. But the person i am, the slave i am, the changes in me personally and in our relationship, are apparent even to anyone who will go back and read the earlier posts in this blog.
i always say that i don't see how we can get any closer. Somehow we always do, though.
A moment that will be imprinted on my mind just as clearly as the questions i asked, is something Padrone asked of me last night, on our anniversary. He said that since i had asked to be controlled more deeply then, three times...to thank Him, three times, for enslaving me.
Oh the shock that ran through my system at the symbolism, the sudden, electric, realization of just exactly how far we have come since that moment, two years ago. Y'all...it was as if i was...i don't know, somehow watching our history in my mind, two years of it, in an instant.
And so i did:
titty{F} smiles....lifting her head to look at You with shining eyes.....joy and devotion flowing from them.......
oh Padrone....thank You is never enough.....my Owner...how You have changed my life......and the gratitude overwhelms me at times......thank You, my Master....for enslaving me....for creating the framework of slavery in my life.....
titty{F} smiles, tears flowing freely.....thank You...for seeing beyond the surface.....for seeing something in me that captured Your attention....some potential that i had given up believing was true.....and for exerting Your control into my life.....into every facet of my life......into every part, my entire life....is Yours to control as You wish.....
titty{F} keeps looking straight into Your eyes, her own blinded by tears.......whispering now.....thank You......for taking a whore....and creating a beautiful, pleasing, loving slave...for You, Padrone.....only for You
Franti smiles lovingly at you, his slave ....
(and y'all wonder why i can never give enough to this man?)
Then i began to think, as i usually do.
How exactly HAS Padrone changed my life? There has to be some way to define it, some bottom-line, so basic change that everything else is built upon that. It hit me as i was typing the last bit, and when i called to say good night, i said the words that i want to reiterate and expound upon now.
The greatest gift, the biggest change, the most basic thing that Padrone has altered in my life is that He taught me to love myself.
He hasn't just accepted who i am without reservation, which is gift in itself. He hasn't just shown as close to unconditional love as i have ever experienced, or even witnessed in others' relationships. He hasn't just taught me to accept that HE loves me and accepts me as i am. He has taught me that who i am is a good person, a loveable person, an intelligent person whose company is worth seeking out. He has taught me that mistakes aren't character faults. He has taught me to laugh when i fail sometimes (like when i don't send a text on time. It's a big deal because it is a rule and He wants them. But rather than obsessing about it as i used to do, now i simply laugh a bit ruefully, write my lines, and keep texting.) He has taught me how to be ... normal...to leave the past where it is, as much as is emotionally possible.
Padrone has given me the foundation within myself, that has allowed me to give more and more, freely and without reservation, without thinking that He deserves better than i am, than i give, than i offer Him. Now, as never before, *i* value highly what i give to Him, and that just makes the gift more sweet than ever. Everything i give now, every service, every emotion, every touch, every word, is from someone who knows that these things are appreciated, valued, for who they come from as deeply as for what they are. And that, my friends, is a gift beyond measure.
Oh Padrone, how can one place any value on the gift of one's self worth? You didn't merely help me to see that i have some worth to You, but somehow You have taught me, have shown me, that i have worth simply because of who i am. You have given me more than i can ever state, Padrone....more than i can ever repay, which is fine because i know that repayment is not an issue in any way. You have truly taken the broken, lost, lonely girl You met so long ago, and revealed the beautiful woman inside.....to me.....and to anyone who wishes to see her.
You have reshaped me, Padrone. i can never thank You enough. All i can do is shine for You...and shine i will, for You...because of You....to honor You....i am Yours.
i have belonged to the most wonderful Master in the world, for two complete years. i haven't worn His collar quite that long, but His ownership began two years ago when, during a typical PM conversation, the topic turned to control. Somehow the time was right to give in to my yearnings to belong to this man, and with His guidance, i asked for His control to extend beyond IRC and into my real life. i asked to become His.
And i was accepted.
Thus began my journey from whore to slave, from girl to woman, from a 'free slave' to a truly freed slave. Over the last year or so y'all have learned a lot about the journey itself...maybe more than y'all wanted to. But the beginning...
i can still feel my heart race as i considered the questions i must ask. i still feel the butterflies fluttering madly as i thought about the consequences of my actions - or the limited consequences i could foresee at the time. i still feel the anticipation, almost breathless as i waited for His answer. i still feel the joy that washed over me so strongly, so suddenly, at His acceptance of me and my submission.
That moment changed our lives, in some ways immediately, but in others the change has been so gradual that i haven't even noticed it at times. But the person i am, the slave i am, the changes in me personally and in our relationship, are apparent even to anyone who will go back and read the earlier posts in this blog.
i always say that i don't see how we can get any closer. Somehow we always do, though.
A moment that will be imprinted on my mind just as clearly as the questions i asked, is something Padrone asked of me last night, on our anniversary. He said that since i had asked to be controlled more deeply then, three times...to thank Him, three times, for enslaving me.
Oh the shock that ran through my system at the symbolism, the sudden, electric, realization of just exactly how far we have come since that moment, two years ago. Y'all...it was as if i was...i don't know, somehow watching our history in my mind, two years of it, in an instant.
And so i did:
titty{F} smiles....lifting her head to look at You with shining eyes.....joy and devotion flowing from them.......
titty{F} smiles, tears flowing freely.....thank You...for seeing beyond the surface.....for seeing something in me that captured Your attention....some potential that i had given up believing was true.....and for exerting Your control into my life.....into every facet of my life......into every part, my entire life....is Yours to control as You wish.....
titty{F} keeps looking straight into Your eyes, her own blinded by tears.......whispering now.....thank You......for taking a whore....and creating a beautiful, pleasing, loving slave...for You, Padrone.....only for You
Franti smiles lovingly at you, his slave ....
(and y'all wonder why i can never give enough to this man?)
Then i began to think, as i usually do.
How exactly HAS Padrone changed my life? There has to be some way to define it, some bottom-line, so basic change that everything else is built upon that. It hit me as i was typing the last bit, and when i called to say good night, i said the words that i want to reiterate and expound upon now.
The greatest gift, the biggest change, the most basic thing that Padrone has altered in my life is that He taught me to love myself.
He hasn't just accepted who i am without reservation, which is gift in itself. He hasn't just shown as close to unconditional love as i have ever experienced, or even witnessed in others' relationships. He hasn't just taught me to accept that HE loves me and accepts me as i am. He has taught me that who i am is a good person, a loveable person, an intelligent person whose company is worth seeking out. He has taught me that mistakes aren't character faults. He has taught me to laugh when i fail sometimes (like when i don't send a text on time. It's a big deal because it is a rule and He wants them. But rather than obsessing about it as i used to do, now i simply laugh a bit ruefully, write my lines, and keep texting.) He has taught me how to be ... normal...to leave the past where it is, as much as is emotionally possible.
Padrone has given me the foundation within myself, that has allowed me to give more and more, freely and without reservation, without thinking that He deserves better than i am, than i give, than i offer Him. Now, as never before, *i* value highly what i give to Him, and that just makes the gift more sweet than ever. Everything i give now, every service, every emotion, every touch, every word, is from someone who knows that these things are appreciated, valued, for who they come from as deeply as for what they are. And that, my friends, is a gift beyond measure.
Oh Padrone, how can one place any value on the gift of one's self worth? You didn't merely help me to see that i have some worth to You, but somehow You have taught me, have shown me, that i have worth simply because of who i am. You have given me more than i can ever state, Padrone....more than i can ever repay, which is fine because i know that repayment is not an issue in any way. You have truly taken the broken, lost, lonely girl You met so long ago, and revealed the beautiful woman inside.....to me.....and to anyone who wishes to see her.
You have reshaped me, Padrone. i can never thank You enough. All i can do is shine for You...and shine i will, for You...because of You....to honor You....i am Yours.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Here, there and yonder
No explanation of "yonder" for y'all poor non-southerners, either. i know, i'm terrible. :)
i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Sometimes it is good for me to simply take some time and think about things, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lately it has been all of the above, frankly.
The ugly has mostly been relating to work and my injury and such. i'm tired of complaining about it, and i KNOW folks are tired of hearing about it, so i am going to leave that one alone here.
The bad has been about me, recently. i'm not talking about the old demons of self-doubt and related thoughts, but we all go through times of introspection, wondering if we are the best we can be at the point in time we are in. i know i am not, and sometimes i just kind of.....think about how i can improve who i am. The main conclusion i have come to is that i will stop expecting as much out of others as i do myself.
This seems like an easy thing to do, but for me it isn't. i am not sure why, but there is a part of me that tends to expect others to be fair, to be honest, and to be courteous and respectful even when they have bad things to say. i used to say "that's not too much to ask of anyone", but i have learned that it can, indeed, be too much to ask for some. So what i am doing is changing my expectations. i am not lowering them, per se, rather making myself less vulnerable to disappointment, and the stress that comes with it. Now how do i do that?
First, i have to realize, to accept, that what *i* see as fair, honest, courteous and respectful, isn't everyone's perception of the same things. Secondly, i have to accept that not everyone holds these things as high on their priority list as i do. And another way that i can make this happen is to simply do the old fashioned thing that my Granny used to say to me: "consider the source". i wish i could get more words of wisdom from her, because i think that now i am finally old enough, mature enough, to apply them throughout my life.
i have decided that i will consider the source for many things, specifically of interest to those that read this blog, things that happen in irc. For several personal reasons, i will be suspicious of certain things, and of certain people there, but the problem is that some people tend to let that place be so important to them that they use it to hurt others. For me, it is a place to talk with people i know and some i like. People, not nicks. And i am always aware of that difference, y'all. THAT is what i have to drill into my thick skull. Not everyone understands that their actions, words, and attitudes can hurt actual, real people. Guess what. When i realize how shortsighted, and how callous that kind of person is, i can let it go a little easier. Maybe i do have an arrogant attitude about this, i don't know. i don't mean to, but in this i can honestly say that, no matter how bitchy i may feel, i would never deliberately hurt anyone, even in irc. THAT is one of the biggest expectations i have to change - that others would treat me with that same respect. It ain't gonna happen.
And y'all know the good part. Padrone, Padrone, Padrone.
It keeps getting better and better. So many things change, but they stay the same in the most basic ways. It is impossible to describe what our relationship is truly like, but as i have said repeatedly, the expression is in such a deep D/s manner, it is absolutely wonderful. Lately it has been so comfortable, and i don't mean that in a bad way for Your slave to be comfortable, Padrone - lol.
i've had a few thoughts regarding general D/s philosophy, and also regarding our specific relationship, that i want to type about here.
i typed about surrender once, i don't remember now just when it was. i talked about how surrender is so difficult to perceive before one does it. It is unimaginable because it is, in general society, such a negative thing. When i began to surrender my will to His, that meant that His will replaced my own in my mind and in my life. THAT is the scary part, and it seems as if, when a girl does that, that she is giving up who she is. And maybe in theory she is, she is yielding herself absolutely to her Master, to become whoever He wants her to be. i was fortunate in that Padrone wants me to be myself, and to behave as He wishes. He has no desire to change me fundamentally - maybe because i work so hard on changing myself to constantly become more and more pleasing to Him. Since *i* am changing to please Him more, He doesn't have to change me, and we both get what we need.
And that is the point i am trying to make. The act of surrendering, the living a surrendered life, is NOT an ending. It is most definitely a beginning. Surrendering means in all things, and sometimes it is not easy to live that way. But in general, i am so free.....so magnificently free... to focus on His pleasure completely, to mold myself, my words, my behavior, my thoughts, my surprises.....into what i believe will bring Him pleasure, even a small pleasure. And i could only do that when i gave up ... what? It's hard to define, but i guess .... i gave Him my need. It is His to fill or not, just as my mind is His to control, my body, my emotions. And ... this is the key, this is what most people forget when they get in a hurry for a collar, for a relationship, for deep control and submission....i KNOW, because time was taken to build a secure foundation of trust.....that He will meet my needs to the best of His ability as a human.
What is the secret that makes it not negative, but rather the most positive thing that any slave can ever do? When i surrendered my will to Him, He surrendered any desire or even any ability to be irresponsible when dealing with me. (actually, in some ways, it can be said that He surrendered His need to me, but that's a little philosophical even for me at this moment) He can't treat me irresponsibly now, not since He holds such a huge part of me in His heart and in His hands. He has no choice but to keep my needs on His forefront, because that is the only way His own needs will be met. If He treated me poorly (something i can't even BEGIN to think of Him doing, but theoretically it's possible i guess), then He would put me into a position that i would have to retrieve my focus from His needs to my own, leaving Him hanging, and having to meet His own needs as well. Neither of us want that, believe me.
And so, i know beyond a doubt that He is as concerned with my contentment, my happiness, as i am with His. As He used to say but which i know He means even more deeply than i ever realized....a happy slave serves better.
Surrendering brought our relationship into colorful focus, like in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy and Toto landed in Munchkin land, no more dull colors, everything was rich, vibrant, beautiful....as it was meant to be....as real life is. That describes our relationship well. And yet it could only happen when i finally said "no matter what happens, i have to give myself to You, to Your pleasure", and He accepted everything i gave.
And y'all know what? He makes me come alive. Y'all have seen it....the dramatic change in me when He comes into channel. It is that way even when i get a text from Him, or see Him in yahoo, or talk on the phone with Him. There is such joy to belong to Him, and to know that He is as happy with "US" as i am, and that there is nobody who can be His more fully than i am. i am His slave, His woman. I am owned so joyously, so perfectly.
Padrone....
i always wanted to be free, until i was bound to You. i always wanted my own way, until i saw that i gain my life when i lose it. i have lost it in You, Padrone. i have GAINED so much more of a life than i ever had before though. i used to be so wrapped up with my demons, so hidden behind all the walls, that the only ones that could truly matter were "me, myself, and i". i had no other choice, there was noone else to whom i mattered. Until You.
It was only when i finally let go of what i want, or rather of all the walls, the defenses, the stumbling blocks....that You could make me come alive. Nothing in this world compares to the joy of giving myself away...to You...only to You.
Your fiore del sud, opening, revealing her secret, inner self only to You, her need to bring You as much pleasure as it is in her ability to bring, is the fragrance that only You can enjoy....You make this woman beautiful, Padrone. You make her whole. You make her Yours, and she can imagine nothing better than that.
i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Sometimes it is good for me to simply take some time and think about things, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lately it has been all of the above, frankly.
The ugly has mostly been relating to work and my injury and such. i'm tired of complaining about it, and i KNOW folks are tired of hearing about it, so i am going to leave that one alone here.
The bad has been about me, recently. i'm not talking about the old demons of self-doubt and related thoughts, but we all go through times of introspection, wondering if we are the best we can be at the point in time we are in. i know i am not, and sometimes i just kind of.....think about how i can improve who i am. The main conclusion i have come to is that i will stop expecting as much out of others as i do myself.
This seems like an easy thing to do, but for me it isn't. i am not sure why, but there is a part of me that tends to expect others to be fair, to be honest, and to be courteous and respectful even when they have bad things to say. i used to say "that's not too much to ask of anyone", but i have learned that it can, indeed, be too much to ask for some. So what i am doing is changing my expectations. i am not lowering them, per se, rather making myself less vulnerable to disappointment, and the stress that comes with it. Now how do i do that?
First, i have to realize, to accept, that what *i* see as fair, honest, courteous and respectful, isn't everyone's perception of the same things. Secondly, i have to accept that not everyone holds these things as high on their priority list as i do. And another way that i can make this happen is to simply do the old fashioned thing that my Granny used to say to me: "consider the source". i wish i could get more words of wisdom from her, because i think that now i am finally old enough, mature enough, to apply them throughout my life.
i have decided that i will consider the source for many things, specifically of interest to those that read this blog, things that happen in irc. For several personal reasons, i will be suspicious of certain things, and of certain people there, but the problem is that some people tend to let that place be so important to them that they use it to hurt others. For me, it is a place to talk with people i know and some i like. People, not nicks. And i am always aware of that difference, y'all. THAT is what i have to drill into my thick skull. Not everyone understands that their actions, words, and attitudes can hurt actual, real people. Guess what. When i realize how shortsighted, and how callous that kind of person is, i can let it go a little easier. Maybe i do have an arrogant attitude about this, i don't know. i don't mean to, but in this i can honestly say that, no matter how bitchy i may feel, i would never deliberately hurt anyone, even in irc. THAT is one of the biggest expectations i have to change - that others would treat me with that same respect. It ain't gonna happen.
And y'all know the good part. Padrone, Padrone, Padrone.
It keeps getting better and better. So many things change, but they stay the same in the most basic ways. It is impossible to describe what our relationship is truly like, but as i have said repeatedly, the expression is in such a deep D/s manner, it is absolutely wonderful. Lately it has been so comfortable, and i don't mean that in a bad way for Your slave to be comfortable, Padrone - lol.
i've had a few thoughts regarding general D/s philosophy, and also regarding our specific relationship, that i want to type about here.
i typed about surrender once, i don't remember now just when it was. i talked about how surrender is so difficult to perceive before one does it. It is unimaginable because it is, in general society, such a negative thing. When i began to surrender my will to His, that meant that His will replaced my own in my mind and in my life. THAT is the scary part, and it seems as if, when a girl does that, that she is giving up who she is. And maybe in theory she is, she is yielding herself absolutely to her Master, to become whoever He wants her to be. i was fortunate in that Padrone wants me to be myself, and to behave as He wishes. He has no desire to change me fundamentally - maybe because i work so hard on changing myself to constantly become more and more pleasing to Him. Since *i* am changing to please Him more, He doesn't have to change me, and we both get what we need.
And that is the point i am trying to make. The act of surrendering, the living a surrendered life, is NOT an ending. It is most definitely a beginning. Surrendering means in all things, and sometimes it is not easy to live that way. But in general, i am so free.....so magnificently free... to focus on His pleasure completely, to mold myself, my words, my behavior, my thoughts, my surprises.....into what i believe will bring Him pleasure, even a small pleasure. And i could only do that when i gave up ... what? It's hard to define, but i guess .... i gave Him my need. It is His to fill or not, just as my mind is His to control, my body, my emotions. And ... this is the key, this is what most people forget when they get in a hurry for a collar, for a relationship, for deep control and submission....i KNOW, because time was taken to build a secure foundation of trust.....that He will meet my needs to the best of His ability as a human.
What is the secret that makes it not negative, but rather the most positive thing that any slave can ever do? When i surrendered my will to Him, He surrendered any desire or even any ability to be irresponsible when dealing with me. (actually, in some ways, it can be said that He surrendered His need to me, but that's a little philosophical even for me at this moment) He can't treat me irresponsibly now, not since He holds such a huge part of me in His heart and in His hands. He has no choice but to keep my needs on His forefront, because that is the only way His own needs will be met. If He treated me poorly (something i can't even BEGIN to think of Him doing, but theoretically it's possible i guess), then He would put me into a position that i would have to retrieve my focus from His needs to my own, leaving Him hanging, and having to meet His own needs as well. Neither of us want that, believe me.
And so, i know beyond a doubt that He is as concerned with my contentment, my happiness, as i am with His. As He used to say but which i know He means even more deeply than i ever realized....a happy slave serves better.
Surrendering brought our relationship into colorful focus, like in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy and Toto landed in Munchkin land, no more dull colors, everything was rich, vibrant, beautiful....as it was meant to be....as real life is. That describes our relationship well. And yet it could only happen when i finally said "no matter what happens, i have to give myself to You, to Your pleasure", and He accepted everything i gave.
And y'all know what? He makes me come alive. Y'all have seen it....the dramatic change in me when He comes into channel. It is that way even when i get a text from Him, or see Him in yahoo, or talk on the phone with Him. There is such joy to belong to Him, and to know that He is as happy with "US" as i am, and that there is nobody who can be His more fully than i am. i am His slave, His woman. I am owned so joyously, so perfectly.
Padrone....
i always wanted to be free, until i was bound to You. i always wanted my own way, until i saw that i gain my life when i lose it. i have lost it in You, Padrone. i have GAINED so much more of a life than i ever had before though. i used to be so wrapped up with my demons, so hidden behind all the walls, that the only ones that could truly matter were "me, myself, and i". i had no other choice, there was noone else to whom i mattered. Until You.
It was only when i finally let go of what i want, or rather of all the walls, the defenses, the stumbling blocks....that You could make me come alive. Nothing in this world compares to the joy of giving myself away...to You...only to You.
Your fiore del sud, opening, revealing her secret, inner self only to You, her need to bring You as much pleasure as it is in her ability to bring, is the fragrance that only You can enjoy....You make this woman beautiful, Padrone. You make her whole. You make her Yours, and she can imagine nothing better than that.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
service with a smile
So i wasn't *really* smiling. But i WAS serving, and that was the important part.
Last night was one of those times when it required every ounce of determination to serve, and when i had to really face, once more, what being slave really is.
All i mean is that Padrone wanted, needed, to use me last night. He needed pain, real pain, the sounds and the knowledge that i was suffering for Him physically, not just mentally as happens during online scenes. i had had a very long day, hadn't slept well for a few nights since i am trying to transition to sleeping in a bed rather than a recliner again, and all *i* wanted to do was to go crash into the nearest place i could relax. But guess what. This life isn't all about what *i* want, in the least.
Padrone is amazingly caring and giving. Yes, that makes me want to serve and please Him all the more, especially when i feel like it! But last night i didn't feel like it, and He knew it. When i was asked if there were some problem, though...my response is the only one that a slave can give. i said something like "no problem, for a slave".
And that is my point. Here is what happened....
i haven't served Him in the specific way i did last night in so long that there were some things i didn't think of ahead of time, potential problems that i expressed via email and texts after we got offline. And there was a wait from the time we got offline until we talked on the phone, and that was the hardest time of all, i really wanted to sleeeeeeep!
When i called Him, it wasn't easy for me to do even the pleasurable for me things He allowed. But i did, and i did enjoy them......even begging to cum as i did, for as long as He needed to hear my desperate voice begging for release....NOW i'm all squirmy thinking about it, but last night i just wanted to......sleep....lol.
(Btw, i'm NOT at my best when my bed is calling, could y'all tell?)
Then came the time i knew was coming. There is one specific way that Padrone loves for me to suffer for Him, it is something that we have done often in the past, and which we scene online often, but i have only felt this once in the past 3 months or so because of my shoulder. So i knew that it would be a very, very difficult time for me, mentally....
And i was right. Padrone knew it, and He granted me mercy by not making me beg for something that He knew i didn't really want.....He honored my honesty in that way... because He knew that, had He wanted it, i would have begged anyway....
But i suffered....burning and filled and clamped......vibe buzzing, increasing it all....and i sobbed and pleaded.....until He gained His satisfaction......and then He allowed me release.....from the intense pain, even though there were lingering effects.....and i did have to beg to get off the phone and leave...because after that i was totally exhausted....i mean totally......
And so i was able to do what so many submissives give lip service to. i was able to fully and deeply submit to my Master. And i guess the cliche is true......if it is done when it is easy, it's not real submission. It really IS easy to "submit" to what we want to do anyway, and it is easy to "submit" when we are rewarded for it. But when it becomes a situation that is truly for HIS pleasure alone (yes, i was allowed to cum, and yes it was pleasurable, but it wasnt't what *i* wanted - *i* wanted bed, remember?)....then it usually becomes a problem.
i am so very glad that Padrone chose to use me last night. i am glad that He needed what only i can give Him, and that He allowed me to express pure submission to Him last night. That is exactly what it was. There was no motive of pleasure on my part, even secondary pleasure. i didn't WANT to do the things He needed me to do. But i did, for the sole reason that He needed for me to do them. His pleasure is utmost in my life, far above my own, and i am not talking about the pain of a scene, that usually is pleasurable to slaves in their service.
That, to me, is what submission is. That is my role as slave, and it is my duty to my Padrone. i give Him my all....sometimes i must show it.
Thank You, Padrone, for giving me that opportunity....to show You just how deeply i submit to You. i selfishly wish i could have given more. i selfishly wish i could have done it with an attitude that allowed me to gain deep pleasure from Your use as well. But the point wasn't my pleasure, and i thank You that You did allow me to give even without my selfish interests being met. i am honored, Padrone, that You allowed me to serve You, purely because of my role as Your slave.
i am Yours.
Last night was one of those times when it required every ounce of determination to serve, and when i had to really face, once more, what being slave really is.
All i mean is that Padrone wanted, needed, to use me last night. He needed pain, real pain, the sounds and the knowledge that i was suffering for Him physically, not just mentally as happens during online scenes. i had had a very long day, hadn't slept well for a few nights since i am trying to transition to sleeping in a bed rather than a recliner again, and all *i* wanted to do was to go crash into the nearest place i could relax. But guess what. This life isn't all about what *i* want, in the least.
Padrone is amazingly caring and giving. Yes, that makes me want to serve and please Him all the more, especially when i feel like it! But last night i didn't feel like it, and He knew it. When i was asked if there were some problem, though...my response is the only one that a slave can give. i said something like "no problem, for a slave".
And that is my point. Here is what happened....
i haven't served Him in the specific way i did last night in so long that there were some things i didn't think of ahead of time, potential problems that i expressed via email and texts after we got offline. And there was a wait from the time we got offline until we talked on the phone, and that was the hardest time of all, i really wanted to sleeeeeeep!
When i called Him, it wasn't easy for me to do even the pleasurable for me things He allowed. But i did, and i did enjoy them......even begging to cum as i did, for as long as He needed to hear my desperate voice begging for release....NOW i'm all squirmy thinking about it, but last night i just wanted to......sleep....lol.
(Btw, i'm NOT at my best when my bed is calling, could y'all tell?)
Then came the time i knew was coming. There is one specific way that Padrone loves for me to suffer for Him, it is something that we have done often in the past, and which we scene online often, but i have only felt this once in the past 3 months or so because of my shoulder. So i knew that it would be a very, very difficult time for me, mentally....
And i was right. Padrone knew it, and He granted me mercy by not making me beg for something that He knew i didn't really want.....He honored my honesty in that way... because He knew that, had He wanted it, i would have begged anyway....
But i suffered....burning and filled and clamped......vibe buzzing, increasing it all....and i sobbed and pleaded.....until He gained His satisfaction......and then He allowed me release.....from the intense pain, even though there were lingering effects.....and i did have to beg to get off the phone and leave...because after that i was totally exhausted....i mean totally......
And so i was able to do what so many submissives give lip service to. i was able to fully and deeply submit to my Master. And i guess the cliche is true......if it is done when it is easy, it's not real submission. It really IS easy to "submit" to what we want to do anyway, and it is easy to "submit" when we are rewarded for it. But when it becomes a situation that is truly for HIS pleasure alone (yes, i was allowed to cum, and yes it was pleasurable, but it wasnt't what *i* wanted - *i* wanted bed, remember?)....then it usually becomes a problem.
i am so very glad that Padrone chose to use me last night. i am glad that He needed what only i can give Him, and that He allowed me to express pure submission to Him last night. That is exactly what it was. There was no motive of pleasure on my part, even secondary pleasure. i didn't WANT to do the things He needed me to do. But i did, for the sole reason that He needed for me to do them. His pleasure is utmost in my life, far above my own, and i am not talking about the pain of a scene, that usually is pleasurable to slaves in their service.
That, to me, is what submission is. That is my role as slave, and it is my duty to my Padrone. i give Him my all....sometimes i must show it.
Thank You, Padrone, for giving me that opportunity....to show You just how deeply i submit to You. i selfishly wish i could have given more. i selfishly wish i could have done it with an attitude that allowed me to gain deep pleasure from Your use as well. But the point wasn't my pleasure, and i thank You that You did allow me to give even without my selfish interests being met. i am honored, Padrone, that You allowed me to serve You, purely because of my role as Your slave.
i am Yours.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Needs
i guess my post about D/s and love got us both thinking, because Padrone and i have had a couple of discussions about that topic since it appeared in my blog. One thing y'all should know is that we seldom discuss things i type here BEFORE it appears online. i don't know why, maybe it's because this IS my blog, and these ARE my thoughts, and maybe i want to keep that perspective as much as Padrone does.
But this time i just can't let go of the idea of needs being met in any relationship, specifically D/s because that is what we live. Last night Padrone and i talked about our relationship BEYOND the D/s, just a little bit. i was surprised by His thoughts, which i won't share completely, but basically what He was saying was that we meet each other's needs for a mate, and D/s is merely a way to express it. i totally agree, but....
Somehow there are unexplored thoughts still. How did we come to BE those people to one another? How did we move from a more....traditional...D/s relationship, into a soulmate kind of relationship? (mushy, yes, oh well.) What made me realize that i am able to be the woman Padrone needs in His life? What made Him understand that He is the man i need in my life? How did the expression of needs move from "Master" and "slave" into "man" and "woman"?
Maybe i can explain a little about my thoughts using a tool that i have used elsewhere for other things:
i am a proponent of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.It is usually presented in a visual in the shape of a pyramid, and his thoughts were that the majority of people were striving to meet the bottom level of the pyramid, and as those needs were met, we move to the next level. i do agree with that idea, although i don't believe it is quite that straightforward for most of us. i know i seem to be chasing a rabbit here, but please bear with me if you will....
From the "bottom" of the pyramid, or the most basic of human needs, here are what Maslow defined as needs in the order in which they "must" be met: (the first two really don't relate to Padrone and me, and so i am merely going to list them without comment, believe it or not)
1. Biological and Physiological needs.
2. Safety needs.
3. Belongingness and Love needs.
Here's where things begin to get a little "tricky" for me, and for others, based on actions i have witnessed. Here is where i would add some sort of ... specific definition, clarification.
Belongingness and love, to me, are....points along the same path, not necesssarily the same points on a larger path. There can be no love without the sense of belonging. There can be a sense of belonging without love, of course, and so i believe that belonging must come first, love is one of those things that grows out of belonging. Actually, i would have labeled this a bit more specifically....i honestly think that the belongingness is more clearly defined as a need to be needed. It is only when one feels that He/she is NEEDED in the life of another, that the sense of belonging can even happen, much less love.
Alright, now i am going to begin to discourse with a bit more detail, and a bit more personally. Padrone and i love one another, and as i said in an earlier post, most of that is because we meet needs for one another. We could not have defined that in the beginning, of course, although it was present from the earliest interactions. Then it was just that we somehow knew that we were right for each other....that we enjoyed something about the other's company and the way we related to one another, so much that we each defied what we truly thought we were in order to have a relationship with one another.
We met needs, we realized that there was a part of us that did belong to the other, and we finally came to accept and cherish that fact. We came to love one another beyond the initial "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feelings we initially had. That is the kind of thing that fades with familiarity. The knowledge that we belong to one another deeply and uniquely won't fade. It is what keeps the "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feeling strong!
i know that may sound strange, but this is a much better, more detailed explanation of what i have said before - the D/s came first, then the love. It is more that we saw how well we met each other's needs, and spent more and more time together because of that, and accepted how deeply we belong to one another as trust grew.....and defined the emotions that naturally began to be felt and noticed and expressed as "love".
Yes, i said it first. What did y'all expect?!?
4. Esteem needs.
When i think of esteem needs, i think of feeling worthy of belonging, and that can only happen if the feelings of worth come from both inside and outside. That is, in my opinion, why it is a very moot point when a submissive says "i am not worthy" and the Dom says "it isn't your opinion that matters". It very much IS her opinion that matters, and it is the Dom's duty to change that opinion of how she perceives the value He places on her. i can be totally bombarded with what Padrone considers proof of how highly He values me, with words or actions, but until *i* change my perception and finally accept His "proof" as what it is, then His esteem of me doesn't affect my self-esteem whatsoever. When in a relationship, one's esteem HAS to be validated by both sources, or there will always be a conflict, and there can never be a satisfying relationship.
Now, i have to say that this is probably the MOST difficult thing i have ever struggled with. i have a "past" as do so many women who identify themselves as submissives, and that "past" wreaked havoc with my self-esteem. It made it hard to trust the acceptance i saw so clearly from Padrone, even after i told Him about my history. When i finally began to accept His high opinion of me, i was able to move to the self-esteem issues that had to be dealt with in order for the relationship to have moved from "blah" to full and rich and satisfying. Padrone calls it my "leap of faith". Maybe it was. All i know is that i knew there was more, and that even though He owned another slave (yes, i did begin to work on my self-esteem while being owned by a Master who owned another slave. THAT was why this is the most difficult thing i have ever struggled with) - even though He did, i needed more from Him. The only way i could GET more was to give more. The only way to give more was to trust that He wanted more from me, and to trust that what i gave was what He wanted. i had to believe that His life was richer for my presence, and then choose to believe that my presence could enrich it even more.
5. Self-Actualization needs - realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.
Believe it or not, i do agree that other needs must be met before this one can be met. Noone who has unresolved needs to belong or with self-esteem, for instance, can ever realize their personal potential. i couldn't even see that i HAD potential for the longest time, much less try to find ways to meet it. Self-fulfillment was for those that deserved it, all i deserved was to be treated as poorly as i always had been (poor me, i know). Personal growth was a joke, i literally used to laugh at it and say "i'm too big already, i don't need to grow any more!". And my peak experience was when i went to the top of Pike's Peak years ago.
But now....wow. How all that has changed. i still have problems seeing my own potential, but i truly think we all do. And i will always ask Padrone "do You think i can?" regarding any new thought or venture that i might be interested in. i have discovered that self-fulfillment, for me, is nothing more than being true to myself, the self i have discovered and allowed to bloom for Padrone and because of His care and proteciveness. i have grown as a woman......well, even Padrone, months ago, said that He felt that He owned a woman, rather than still owning a girl. It is more than maturing, it is really learning, discovering, who i am and how best to express it, within the safety of belonging to such a man as Padrone. i do believe that it can and should happen outside relationships for those who are unowned, but i also know it is incredibly difficult. As someone told me long ago, and which i never truly did more than give lip service to....our greatest source of validation of our worth, lies inside our own skin.
And peak experiences....
i will NOT disclose them in any detail, but Padrone....You know what i refer to....when You call me by my real name....when it is just You and me....Padrone and schiava....Master and slave....Man and woman....naked, vulnerable emotionally, yet so safe with each other that there is no risk, only deep satisfaction ....deep fulfillment....we have become, in Maslow's words, self-actualized. We are the best we can be, with each other.
And that says it all, Padrone. i am the best woman i know how to be, as Your woman. You are the man for me, the one who can and does meet my needs so well (even of this needy schiava). Because You do....i can meet Yours...
You said that You wanted a woman to make You feel adored, to be so devoted to You, to make You feel....well i won't say what You said, but basically You need to feel like the very best man on the face of the earth. i believe You are, and so i meet those needs naturally, allowing You to move beyond and into the "higher" needs, which we also meet for one another. That is the entire point - the one You said first last night. It is who we are as people that meets the needs of each other, and who we are, what we need, is best expressed through D/s.
i am proud to be Yours, Padrone, and proud of You as well. Thank You, my Love.
But this time i just can't let go of the idea of needs being met in any relationship, specifically D/s because that is what we live. Last night Padrone and i talked about our relationship BEYOND the D/s, just a little bit. i was surprised by His thoughts, which i won't share completely, but basically what He was saying was that we meet each other's needs for a mate, and D/s is merely a way to express it. i totally agree, but....
Somehow there are unexplored thoughts still. How did we come to BE those people to one another? How did we move from a more....traditional...D/s relationship, into a soulmate kind of relationship? (mushy, yes, oh well.) What made me realize that i am able to be the woman Padrone needs in His life? What made Him understand that He is the man i need in my life? How did the expression of needs move from "Master" and "slave" into "man" and "woman"?
Maybe i can explain a little about my thoughts using a tool that i have used elsewhere for other things:
i am a proponent of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.It is usually presented in a visual in the shape of a pyramid, and his thoughts were that the majority of people were striving to meet the bottom level of the pyramid, and as those needs were met, we move to the next level. i do agree with that idea, although i don't believe it is quite that straightforward for most of us. i know i seem to be chasing a rabbit here, but please bear with me if you will....
From the "bottom" of the pyramid, or the most basic of human needs, here are what Maslow defined as needs in the order in which they "must" be met: (the first two really don't relate to Padrone and me, and so i am merely going to list them without comment, believe it or not)
1. Biological and Physiological needs.
2. Safety needs.
3. Belongingness and Love needs.
Here's where things begin to get a little "tricky" for me, and for others, based on actions i have witnessed. Here is where i would add some sort of ... specific definition, clarification.
Belongingness and love, to me, are....points along the same path, not necesssarily the same points on a larger path. There can be no love without the sense of belonging. There can be a sense of belonging without love, of course, and so i believe that belonging must come first, love is one of those things that grows out of belonging. Actually, i would have labeled this a bit more specifically....i honestly think that the belongingness is more clearly defined as a need to be needed. It is only when one feels that He/she is NEEDED in the life of another, that the sense of belonging can even happen, much less love.
Alright, now i am going to begin to discourse with a bit more detail, and a bit more personally. Padrone and i love one another, and as i said in an earlier post, most of that is because we meet needs for one another. We could not have defined that in the beginning, of course, although it was present from the earliest interactions. Then it was just that we somehow knew that we were right for each other....that we enjoyed something about the other's company and the way we related to one another, so much that we each defied what we truly thought we were in order to have a relationship with one another.
We met needs, we realized that there was a part of us that did belong to the other, and we finally came to accept and cherish that fact. We came to love one another beyond the initial "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feelings we initially had. That is the kind of thing that fades with familiarity. The knowledge that we belong to one another deeply and uniquely won't fade. It is what keeps the "heart racing, smiling when we see each other, going out of our way to spend time with one another" feeling strong!
i know that may sound strange, but this is a much better, more detailed explanation of what i have said before - the D/s came first, then the love. It is more that we saw how well we met each other's needs, and spent more and more time together because of that, and accepted how deeply we belong to one another as trust grew.....and defined the emotions that naturally began to be felt and noticed and expressed as "love".
Yes, i said it first. What did y'all expect?!?
4. Esteem needs.
When i think of esteem needs, i think of feeling worthy of belonging, and that can only happen if the feelings of worth come from both inside and outside. That is, in my opinion, why it is a very moot point when a submissive says "i am not worthy" and the Dom says "it isn't your opinion that matters". It very much IS her opinion that matters, and it is the Dom's duty to change that opinion of how she perceives the value He places on her. i can be totally bombarded with what Padrone considers proof of how highly He values me, with words or actions, but until *i* change my perception and finally accept His "proof" as what it is, then His esteem of me doesn't affect my self-esteem whatsoever. When in a relationship, one's esteem HAS to be validated by both sources, or there will always be a conflict, and there can never be a satisfying relationship.
Now, i have to say that this is probably the MOST difficult thing i have ever struggled with. i have a "past" as do so many women who identify themselves as submissives, and that "past" wreaked havoc with my self-esteem. It made it hard to trust the acceptance i saw so clearly from Padrone, even after i told Him about my history. When i finally began to accept His high opinion of me, i was able to move to the self-esteem issues that had to be dealt with in order for the relationship to have moved from "blah" to full and rich and satisfying. Padrone calls it my "leap of faith". Maybe it was. All i know is that i knew there was more, and that even though He owned another slave (yes, i did begin to work on my self-esteem while being owned by a Master who owned another slave. THAT was why this is the most difficult thing i have ever struggled with) - even though He did, i needed more from Him. The only way i could GET more was to give more. The only way to give more was to trust that He wanted more from me, and to trust that what i gave was what He wanted. i had to believe that His life was richer for my presence, and then choose to believe that my presence could enrich it even more.
5. Self-Actualization needs - realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.
Believe it or not, i do agree that other needs must be met before this one can be met. Noone who has unresolved needs to belong or with self-esteem, for instance, can ever realize their personal potential. i couldn't even see that i HAD potential for the longest time, much less try to find ways to meet it. Self-fulfillment was for those that deserved it, all i deserved was to be treated as poorly as i always had been (poor me, i know). Personal growth was a joke, i literally used to laugh at it and say "i'm too big already, i don't need to grow any more!". And my peak experience was when i went to the top of Pike's Peak years ago.
But now....wow. How all that has changed. i still have problems seeing my own potential, but i truly think we all do. And i will always ask Padrone "do You think i can?" regarding any new thought or venture that i might be interested in. i have discovered that self-fulfillment, for me, is nothing more than being true to myself, the self i have discovered and allowed to bloom for Padrone and because of His care and proteciveness. i have grown as a woman......well, even Padrone, months ago, said that He felt that He owned a woman, rather than still owning a girl. It is more than maturing, it is really learning, discovering, who i am and how best to express it, within the safety of belonging to such a man as Padrone. i do believe that it can and should happen outside relationships for those who are unowned, but i also know it is incredibly difficult. As someone told me long ago, and which i never truly did more than give lip service to....our greatest source of validation of our worth, lies inside our own skin.
And peak experiences....
i will NOT disclose them in any detail, but Padrone....You know what i refer to....when You call me by my real name....when it is just You and me....Padrone and schiava....Master and slave....Man and woman....naked, vulnerable emotionally, yet so safe with each other that there is no risk, only deep satisfaction ....deep fulfillment....we have become, in Maslow's words, self-actualized. We are the best we can be, with each other.
And that says it all, Padrone. i am the best woman i know how to be, as Your woman. You are the man for me, the one who can and does meet my needs so well (even of this needy schiava). Because You do....i can meet Yours...
You said that You wanted a woman to make You feel adored, to be so devoted to You, to make You feel....well i won't say what You said, but basically You need to feel like the very best man on the face of the earth. i believe You are, and so i meet those needs naturally, allowing You to move beyond and into the "higher" needs, which we also meet for one another. That is the entire point - the one You said first last night. It is who we are as people that meets the needs of each other, and who we are, what we need, is best expressed through D/s.
i am proud to be Yours, Padrone, and proud of You as well. Thank You, my Love.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
What makes US work
i've heard and read a lot of discussions about whether or not an exclusively long distance relationship can work, specifically a D/s relationship. Now, i know i am biased, but i think my response is yes, of course, just as successfully as a face-to-face relationship can work. Maybe the question isn't "IF" but rather "HOW"....
Well, as everyone who reads this blog, and those who frequent the IRC channel we frequent know, Padrone and i are in a long distance relationship. i have been His for almost 2 years. Yes, it seems impossible to so many, but for us it has never seemed .... strange.
How can this work? i mean, we aren't just long distance, we are on different continents! We come from different cultures, speak different native languages! Talk about obstacles! He is so very male, and i mean that in the best possible way - lol. But whoever wrote that book about Mars and Venus had gender differences pegged!
For us, there have been so many key things that have allowed us to progress and grow to the point that we are now.
1. Communication, communication, communication! Women, this does NOT mean deep discussions about feelings and emotions constantly. Nor does it mean talking about what works for you and what doesn't. Men, that does NOT mean totally ignoring the dreaded "e" word (emotions, for those who can't even THINK it!). Nor does it mean constantly discussion various sex or BDSM issues either.
So what DOES it mean? Basically, it means discussing life, interests, dislikes, laughing, teasing, apologizing, learning who the other person is, outside of the role in the relationship. i mean, no matter HOW submissive i am, if my personality grated on Padrone's nerves, i would not be His....and vice versa. It means scening, talking about what works and what doesn't (although i honestly can only remember a couple of times a scene didn't work, and those were my fault, my expectations weren't met) .... which leads me to the next point....
2. Have realistic expectations. NOBODY can be available 24/7, i don't care if you're talking online or face-to-face relationships. Everyone has a life, and as i said to Padrone the other day, life happens on both sides. Neither party can be constantly at the other's beck and call. i can't realistically expect to call Padrone and have Him drop everything in order to "be there" for me.
Now, if there was a reason for that to happen, like immediately after Katrina, or the night i was so upset after reading the negative things His ex-slave had put in her /whois, then yes....that's different. And of course, as Master, He has more expectations in that than i do. However, if He knows i am out with my kids, and He sent a text telling me to cum.....well.....um.....that's one of those "sorry but no deal" situations. i can joke about that because i know He would never do that intentionally. If He ever did ask something of me that would put me in danger, either emotionally or physically, then of course He would not have done so intentionally, nor would He expect me to obey. But i would have to have a good reason for it. And THAT is what i mean by realistic expectations.
That isn't just in availability either. i don't expect every conversation to end with "i love you". Now that seems like a small thing to some, and a huge thing to others. But it isn't Padrone's way. Yes, i have learned to change my own expectations, and in doing so, i have learned other things....that i will discuss later. Other realistic expectations are to be conscious of differences in time, routine, sleep needs, work schedules, and who lives in the same house with the other person. So many things that have to just be ACCEPTED. One can't go into any relationship and expect the other person to change His/her entire life to fit into yours. While that may seem quite romantic, and while it might seem somehow to fit into a Dom's right to demand or expect of a sub....or of a sub to think "if He loves me He will...." - what it is is pure hogwash.
3. Wash the hogwash, drop the bs. Be yourself, no matter who you are. State what you can and can't do quite clearly, and never bite off more than you can chew. Never promise what you can't deliver, and never demand what can't be promised. If your partner is married, don't expect them to act single. If you are married, be up front and honest about what you can give, what the other person can expect. Be brutally honest if necessary. Do NOT present yourself as "supersubbie" or "SuperDomlyOne" if that isn't who you are. If you aren't submissive, but merely looking for the power rush of having Doms drool after you, then keep it there. If You aren't Dominant, merely looking for kinky sex, then be satisfied with that. Find out what you want, and never EVER promise more than you can give.
4. Learn what you want. This isn't nearly as simple as it sounds. When Padrone and i met, i would have sworn that i would NEVER wear a man's collar again. i was looking for escape from myself, from my failures, and the feedback i got as a whore who scened well was balm for my aching heart, or what bit of it i allowed to be seen anyway. Padrone didn't even know He wanted more than He had in His other slave. We began with simply scening, but our craving for some unnamed "MORE" was too great to be ignored. What we wanted was what we have now found in each other, but neither of us would have admitted it then. It took each of us being open for change, for the chance to learn about ourselves and each other in a deeper way, for us to even begin a relationship.
5. Be flexible. The other evening i made a choice that i didn't think Padrone would have a problem with, since i know Him and how He feels about certain things, but it took our time online away from us that evening. He missed me, i missed Him, but it was the right choice for me and my situation. He could have put His foot down and ordered me to not do what i had chosen to do, He could have been demanding and inflexible, and i am sure that, had He really needed to be with me, He might have done it although i can't even imagine it. But He didn't. He was flexible, as i have to be at times, although i try hard to schedule my life around our opportunities to spend time together, whether online or on the phone. It isn't always possible, and if He weren't understanding, it wouldn't be possible for us to have a relationship.
6. Honesty at all costs. A long distance relationship is based, just as strongly as a face-to-face relationship, on trust. Trust can NOT happen without honesty allowing it to be built. There is nothing more to say on this one.
7. Let the other person be who He/she is. Padrone and i had a discussion about this earlier today. If i hadn't been able to learn to look at what He does, and see His expressions of love in His actions, rather than getting upset because He doesn't say the words "i love you" often, then we would have failed long, long ago. He has learned to accept so many things about me as well. Some things i have changed for His pleasure, but some i can't change, and He has been wise enough to see that. Some things HE has changed, although i doubt He would admit it, but some things He adamantly refuses to change, and i would be foolish to get upset about that. i won't forget asking Him once why He started freely giving the reassurance that i would always beg for, when He began with the attitude that He said it once, i shouldn't NEED more than that. He said something to the effect that He realized that i needed it, and that i wouldn't stop needing it, and so He chose to give it to me. Guess what. i don't need it nearly as much now.
Nor will i forget what He said earlier today. He said that when a woman realizes how a man expresses His feelings and "allows" Him the freedom to express them that way, instead of expecting Him to express them in ways that are unnatural to Him....then He will be freed to express Himself more and more. And guess what? i have seen it, felt it, and i know it to be true.
8. Be diligent, yet respectful. For me, that means working hard to keep my errant emotions in check, keeping Padrone alert of problems i am having, to try to avoid more serious issues. BUT, i have a private blog that i use to convey these things. i try hard not to blindside Him with "EMOTIONS" all the time, or "PROBLEMS" when we first see each other. Sometimes i fail in that, but i have improved dramatically in this area, even i admit that!
On His part, this means keeping me on my toes in terms of my obedience, and the more rules He has in place, the more diligence is needed on His part to do so. i used to think, when He questioned if i did that He was questioning my obedience out of distrust. But i know, now, that He is merely doing His job as my Master and making sure i haven't forgotten one of the rules. He never does so in a challenging or demeaning manner....usually it is when the D/s is strongly evident, and His questions serve to send me even more deep into my submissive state.
9. Be open to the D/s interaction, even when not in the "mood". i am slave, just as if i were living in the same house. If i lived with Him and He called me to serve, or to even have a conversation, i would drop everything and go to Him. Why we would expect differently simply because we type rather than speak, or because we speak on the phone rather than face-to-face, i don't know. This one is more to the subs, although i would caution Doms as well - never assume that the role You have chosen to live in can be shed entirely. That may be just the night that Your sub of choice might need to be punished, or have reason to be held in check. It HAS to happen sometimes when we aren't in the mood for it. What would You do, turn the computer off and leave her hanging, to in effect be her own Dom? What does she need YOU for, in that case?
10. Assume the best. THIS is the hardest one for me, or it used to be. i used to be the worst about making the worst possible interpretation about everything that happened. Now i take my initial reaction and flip it, and assume THAT is the case, rather than what my "bad wolf" would have me believe. This comes more naturally to Padrone, i think, but it is a lesson i am trying hard to keep in practice. He DID have His moments, however, when He would assume the worst about me....but that time is long past...thankfully!
For Padrone and me, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication, trust, commitment, communication, and more trust. Tonight Padrone proved it once more, the trust and commitment that He has for me. He once more showed His love for me in ways that aren't typical expressions of love for a woman, but which mean an incredible amount to me, because i know how He expresses Himself now. And yes, i value His actions, and His love, highly.
Thank You, Padrone, for the faith, the trust, the love You show me daily. i am honored to be owned by such a man as You.
Well, as everyone who reads this blog, and those who frequent the IRC channel we frequent know, Padrone and i are in a long distance relationship. i have been His for almost 2 years. Yes, it seems impossible to so many, but for us it has never seemed .... strange.
How can this work? i mean, we aren't just long distance, we are on different continents! We come from different cultures, speak different native languages! Talk about obstacles! He is so very male, and i mean that in the best possible way - lol. But whoever wrote that book about Mars and Venus had gender differences pegged!
For us, there have been so many key things that have allowed us to progress and grow to the point that we are now.
1. Communication, communication, communication! Women, this does NOT mean deep discussions about feelings and emotions constantly. Nor does it mean talking about what works for you and what doesn't. Men, that does NOT mean totally ignoring the dreaded "e" word (emotions, for those who can't even THINK it!). Nor does it mean constantly discussion various sex or BDSM issues either.
So what DOES it mean? Basically, it means discussing life, interests, dislikes, laughing, teasing, apologizing, learning who the other person is, outside of the role in the relationship. i mean, no matter HOW submissive i am, if my personality grated on Padrone's nerves, i would not be His....and vice versa. It means scening, talking about what works and what doesn't (although i honestly can only remember a couple of times a scene didn't work, and those were my fault, my expectations weren't met) .... which leads me to the next point....
2. Have realistic expectations. NOBODY can be available 24/7, i don't care if you're talking online or face-to-face relationships. Everyone has a life, and as i said to Padrone the other day, life happens on both sides. Neither party can be constantly at the other's beck and call. i can't realistically expect to call Padrone and have Him drop everything in order to "be there" for me.
Now, if there was a reason for that to happen, like immediately after Katrina, or the night i was so upset after reading the negative things His ex-slave had put in her /whois, then yes....that's different. And of course, as Master, He has more expectations in that than i do. However, if He knows i am out with my kids, and He sent a text telling me to cum.....well.....um.....that's one of those "sorry but no deal" situations. i can joke about that because i know He would never do that intentionally. If He ever did ask something of me that would put me in danger, either emotionally or physically, then of course He would not have done so intentionally, nor would He expect me to obey. But i would have to have a good reason for it. And THAT is what i mean by realistic expectations.
That isn't just in availability either. i don't expect every conversation to end with "i love you". Now that seems like a small thing to some, and a huge thing to others. But it isn't Padrone's way. Yes, i have learned to change my own expectations, and in doing so, i have learned other things....that i will discuss later. Other realistic expectations are to be conscious of differences in time, routine, sleep needs, work schedules, and who lives in the same house with the other person. So many things that have to just be ACCEPTED. One can't go into any relationship and expect the other person to change His/her entire life to fit into yours. While that may seem quite romantic, and while it might seem somehow to fit into a Dom's right to demand or expect of a sub....or of a sub to think "if He loves me He will...." - what it is is pure hogwash.
3. Wash the hogwash, drop the bs. Be yourself, no matter who you are. State what you can and can't do quite clearly, and never bite off more than you can chew. Never promise what you can't deliver, and never demand what can't be promised. If your partner is married, don't expect them to act single. If you are married, be up front and honest about what you can give, what the other person can expect. Be brutally honest if necessary. Do NOT present yourself as "supersubbie" or "SuperDomlyOne" if that isn't who you are. If you aren't submissive, but merely looking for the power rush of having Doms drool after you, then keep it there. If You aren't Dominant, merely looking for kinky sex, then be satisfied with that. Find out what you want, and never EVER promise more than you can give.
4. Learn what you want. This isn't nearly as simple as it sounds. When Padrone and i met, i would have sworn that i would NEVER wear a man's collar again. i was looking for escape from myself, from my failures, and the feedback i got as a whore who scened well was balm for my aching heart, or what bit of it i allowed to be seen anyway. Padrone didn't even know He wanted more than He had in His other slave. We began with simply scening, but our craving for some unnamed "MORE" was too great to be ignored. What we wanted was what we have now found in each other, but neither of us would have admitted it then. It took each of us being open for change, for the chance to learn about ourselves and each other in a deeper way, for us to even begin a relationship.
5. Be flexible. The other evening i made a choice that i didn't think Padrone would have a problem with, since i know Him and how He feels about certain things, but it took our time online away from us that evening. He missed me, i missed Him, but it was the right choice for me and my situation. He could have put His foot down and ordered me to not do what i had chosen to do, He could have been demanding and inflexible, and i am sure that, had He really needed to be with me, He might have done it although i can't even imagine it. But He didn't. He was flexible, as i have to be at times, although i try hard to schedule my life around our opportunities to spend time together, whether online or on the phone. It isn't always possible, and if He weren't understanding, it wouldn't be possible for us to have a relationship.
6. Honesty at all costs. A long distance relationship is based, just as strongly as a face-to-face relationship, on trust. Trust can NOT happen without honesty allowing it to be built. There is nothing more to say on this one.
7. Let the other person be who He/she is. Padrone and i had a discussion about this earlier today. If i hadn't been able to learn to look at what He does, and see His expressions of love in His actions, rather than getting upset because He doesn't say the words "i love you" often, then we would have failed long, long ago. He has learned to accept so many things about me as well. Some things i have changed for His pleasure, but some i can't change, and He has been wise enough to see that. Some things HE has changed, although i doubt He would admit it, but some things He adamantly refuses to change, and i would be foolish to get upset about that. i won't forget asking Him once why He started freely giving the reassurance that i would always beg for, when He began with the attitude that He said it once, i shouldn't NEED more than that. He said something to the effect that He realized that i needed it, and that i wouldn't stop needing it, and so He chose to give it to me. Guess what. i don't need it nearly as much now.
Nor will i forget what He said earlier today. He said that when a woman realizes how a man expresses His feelings and "allows" Him the freedom to express them that way, instead of expecting Him to express them in ways that are unnatural to Him....then He will be freed to express Himself more and more. And guess what? i have seen it, felt it, and i know it to be true.
8. Be diligent, yet respectful. For me, that means working hard to keep my errant emotions in check, keeping Padrone alert of problems i am having, to try to avoid more serious issues. BUT, i have a private blog that i use to convey these things. i try hard not to blindside Him with "EMOTIONS" all the time, or "PROBLEMS" when we first see each other. Sometimes i fail in that, but i have improved dramatically in this area, even i admit that!
On His part, this means keeping me on my toes in terms of my obedience, and the more rules He has in place, the more diligence is needed on His part to do so. i used to think, when He questioned if i did
9. Be open to the D/s interaction, even when not in the "mood". i am slave, just as if i were living in the same house. If i lived with Him and He called me to serve, or to even have a conversation, i would drop everything and go to Him. Why we would expect differently simply because we type rather than speak, or because we speak on the phone rather than face-to-face, i don't know. This one is more to the subs, although i would caution Doms as well - never assume that the role You have chosen to live in can be shed entirely. That may be just the night that Your sub of choice might need to be punished, or have reason to be held in check. It HAS to happen sometimes when we aren't in the mood for it. What would You do, turn the computer off and leave her hanging, to in effect be her own Dom? What does she need YOU for, in that case?
10. Assume the best. THIS is the hardest one for me, or it used to be. i used to be the worst about making the worst possible interpretation about everything that happened. Now i take my initial reaction and flip it, and assume THAT is the case, rather than what my "bad wolf" would have me believe. This comes more naturally to Padrone, i think, but it is a lesson i am trying hard to keep in practice. He DID have His moments, however, when He would assume the worst about me....but that time is long past...thankfully!
For Padrone and me, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication, trust, commitment, communication, and more trust. Tonight Padrone proved it once more, the trust and commitment that He has for me. He once more showed His love for me in ways that aren't typical expressions of love for a woman, but which mean an incredible amount to me, because i know how He expresses Himself now. And yes, i value His actions, and His love, highly.
Thank You, Padrone, for the faith, the trust, the love You show me daily. i am honored to be owned by such a man as You.
D/s and love
i've been told that i have a true "slave's heart", and i think i understand what that means. i believe it describes my insatiable desire to please and be found pleasing, to mold myself to Padrone's will and to become the person He would have me to be. i have grown as His slave, as He has allowed me to understand (as He began to be able to express with more detail) the kind of slave His heart has always longed for. i have to agree with that assessment of my personality, actually. i have a true "slave's heart" by that definition.
But i also believe that when we use the term "true Dom" or "real Dom", we refer to someone who has a "Master's heart". This is a bit more difficult for me to discuss, since i don't fully grasp the mentality of a Dom. But what i *think* this would describe, based on what i have experienced and read and learned from discussions with others, is the personality that .... needs to be served, not for the service itself, but for the expression of devotion...of utter and absolute adoration...of unconditional acceptance of Him and His desires...that the service represents.
A Master values the slave's need to please, and a Dom with a "Master's heart" is one that a "true slave" will move heaven and earth to please. She will give all she is, and all she has, in order to serve, to please, to fulfill His smallest desire. She will search her heart and mind for new ways to give herself to Him, for new ways to show her utter devotion. And a "true Dom" will value her, not for the actions that so beautifully show her for what she is, but rather for the person she reveals herself to be through those actions.
i call this love. Of course, my definition of love differs vastly from society's definition of love. Love, to me, isn't based on how good the other person makes us feel. Love is based on how well they meet our needs, even those we don't know we have. For some, the desire to feel special every moment overrides everything else in their life, and when that feeling fades, as it does naturally, so does their "love". For me, love is the knowledge that i would be totally crippled without Padrone in my life, because of the needs He meets for me. And i honestly believe that He feels the same way about me, although He may not have wanted me to state that publicly! That kind of love does not fade easily nor quickly.
Some say love by my definition can't happen between Master and slave. Some say that if a Master falls in love with His slave, He runs the risk of romanticizing the relationship, and no longer treating her as a slave. i say that a deep, abiding, D/s relationship can't happen without love being present. i say that for a "true Master" and a "true slave", even a "vanilla" relationship would not be such....while they may act as equals, they would both know that it is only because He wished for it to be that way, and that any change in His desire or need would change the dynamic of the relationship. She would be serving Him by being His partner, if that is what He needed for her to be.
And yes, that is how the relationship is between Padrone and me. i would literally become whoever He needed for me to become. i would learn to Top another submissive, if He wished it. i would learn to be with a woman, if He wished it. i would serve every Dom who wished to use me, if He wished it. i would be Topped by another slave if He wished it. And i would be His partner in our relationship if He wished it. And the willingness to please Him with all i have, and with all i am, is what He needs from me, no matter the physical or mental things He asks. He may ask things i might feel are impossible for me to perform, and yet i will do them to the best of my ability. He knows this, and since that is the kind of slave He needs, He loves me for it, not in spite of it.
So i know that love HAS to be present in a successful D/s relationship. If it isn't, then relationships are based on actions, and appreciation is expressed based on how well a person performs expected actions rather than who a person is. Everyone will fail to meet His/her partner's expectations at some point in a relationship. Do we "fall out of love" because of disappointments, because someone's actions failed to meet our expectations and desires? Just something to ponder....
i have vowed to be the best slave to my Master that i can be. Padrone, as i have said so very often, You know my heart. You know the depths of my submission, how true a slave i am. And i know Yours. i know what You need to find Your own fulfillment, and i know the depths of Your need to control. i know just how true a Master You are. And just as Your control has freed me to simply be who i am with no hesitation or need to hide any part of myself, so has my deep surrender to Your will, expressing my absolute, unconditional acceptance of every part of You that You have shown to me, freed You to be who You are, with no hesitation or need to hide any part of Yourself.
i am so grateful that we have been allowed, by whatever forces control such things, to have found one another. Thank You, Padrone, for expressing Your "Master's heart", through such deep ownership and control of Your slave. i am Yours....forever.
But i also believe that when we use the term "true Dom" or "real Dom", we refer to someone who has a "Master's heart". This is a bit more difficult for me to discuss, since i don't fully grasp the mentality of a Dom. But what i *think* this would describe, based on what i have experienced and read and learned from discussions with others, is the personality that .... needs to be served, not for the service itself, but for the expression of devotion...of utter and absolute adoration...of unconditional acceptance of Him and His desires...that the service represents.
A Master values the slave's need to please, and a Dom with a "Master's heart" is one that a "true slave" will move heaven and earth to please. She will give all she is, and all she has, in order to serve, to please, to fulfill His smallest desire. She will search her heart and mind for new ways to give herself to Him, for new ways to show her utter devotion. And a "true Dom" will value her, not for the actions that so beautifully show her for what she is, but rather for the person she reveals herself to be through those actions.
i call this love. Of course, my definition of love differs vastly from society's definition of love. Love, to me, isn't based on how good the other person makes us feel. Love is based on how well they meet our needs, even those we don't know we have. For some, the desire to feel special every moment overrides everything else in their life, and when that feeling fades, as it does naturally, so does their "love". For me, love is the knowledge that i would be totally crippled without Padrone in my life, because of the needs He meets for me. And i honestly believe that He feels the same way about me, although He may not have wanted me to state that publicly! That kind of love does not fade easily nor quickly.
Some say love by my definition can't happen between Master and slave. Some say that if a Master falls in love with His slave, He runs the risk of romanticizing the relationship, and no longer treating her as a slave. i say that a deep, abiding, D/s relationship can't happen without love being present. i say that for a "true Master" and a "true slave", even a "vanilla" relationship would not be such....while they may act as equals, they would both know that it is only because He wished for it to be that way, and that any change in His desire or need would change the dynamic of the relationship. She would be serving Him by being His partner, if that is what He needed for her to be.
And yes, that is how the relationship is between Padrone and me. i would literally become whoever He needed for me to become. i would learn to Top another submissive, if He wished it. i would learn to be with a woman, if He wished it. i would serve every Dom who wished to use me, if He wished it. i would be Topped by another slave if He wished it. And i would be His partner in our relationship if He wished it. And the willingness to please Him with all i have, and with all i am, is what He needs from me, no matter the physical or mental things He asks. He may ask things i might feel are impossible for me to perform, and yet i will do them to the best of my ability. He knows this, and since that is the kind of slave He needs, He loves me for it, not in spite of it.
So i know that love HAS to be present in a successful D/s relationship. If it isn't, then relationships are based on actions, and appreciation is expressed based on how well a person performs expected actions rather than who a person is. Everyone will fail to meet His/her partner's expectations at some point in a relationship. Do we "fall out of love" because of disappointments, because someone's actions failed to meet our expectations and desires? Just something to ponder....
i have vowed to be the best slave to my Master that i can be. Padrone, as i have said so very often, You know my heart. You know the depths of my submission, how true a slave i am. And i know Yours. i know what You need to find Your own fulfillment, and i know the depths of Your need to control. i know just how true a Master You are. And just as Your control has freed me to simply be who i am with no hesitation or need to hide any part of myself, so has my deep surrender to Your will, expressing my absolute, unconditional acceptance of every part of You that You have shown to me, freed You to be who You are, with no hesitation or need to hide any part of Yourself.
i am so grateful that we have been allowed, by whatever forces control such things, to have found one another. Thank You, Padrone, for expressing Your "Master's heart", through such deep ownership and control of Your slave. i am Yours....forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)