for Padrone

Padrone...

i love the way You make me feel. i love that You need me, and me specifically. i love that You show me such deep care and concern in so many ways. i love that You think of me so highly. i love how You work so hard to make our relationship work. i love that You love for me to use the little italian i have been learning. i love that You want me to be happy. i love that You don't take me for granted.

i love Your voice, as well as the things You say. i love Your philosophy, and how it is more than simply philosophy to You. i love how You think ahead, yet live so well in the present. i love that You are teaching me, so patiently, that the past is just that.

Padrone, i love Your restraint, the control You exert over Yourself as well as over me. i love that i can give myself into Your control so often. i love that You help me in my life's crises and choices. i love that You make my life interesting.

i love Your looks, i love Your tenderness, i love Your obvious joy in Your family, i love that Your english is difficult when You are tired.

i love so much about You, Padrone, and of course, i love You.

shifting sand

There is an old saying that goes...

You can't stand on shifting sand.

i'm sure it's true, but at first glance it's not universally true. For instance, relationships have to change, the sand that comprises them *must* shift for it to grow and succeed. But the basis for the relationship, in our case the D/s, cannot change. Well it, too, has grown and deepened, but it is always present. It is not shifting sand, it is a firm foundation upon which the sand can shift all it needs to, to allow the changes to happen.

Nothng will ever take away the fact that i am Padrone's slave. He is my Master. It is the ways in which those facts are expressed that make our relationship flexible. Some things won't change, like the fact that He sets rules for me and i obey them. Now and then He may change one, and now and then i may fail in obeying, but those aren't changes of the basic fact that rules are made by Him, followed by me.

He is also the one who grants permission for me to live the way i live. He may change things about my lifestyle, and i am sure He will as time passes and circumstances change, and even has lately. HOW i live may change, but the fact that He chooses how i live, won't.

He chooses when to push me and when not to. He chooses when to use me, when to have me serve Him. How that happens does change, but the fact remains that i am not the one who chooses when it happens. i may voice a yearning, a need, i may beg or plead or even act wantonly in hopes of His use, but if He chooses not to use me, i deal with the need that He wishes for me to have, the best i can.

He has chosen to own me, and to treat me as His valuable property. i have chosen to serve Him as He so deserves for the way He treats me. We choose to love each other, and He has shown me that i am far more worthy of love than i ever knew before, and i have grown to love Him even more for it.

The sand may shift, and it is a very good thing that it does so, as long as the foundation upon which the sand lies is a firm, strong, sturdy one. Ours is, we chose long ago to be who we are, not so long ago to be who we are to each other, and even more recently to deepen the expression of it. But we are still Padrone and schiava.

Just You and me. All else fades away completely, Padrone, when compared with what is most important. Just You and me.

i am Yours....and You are mine. Grazie, mio Padrone.

growth

It's been quite some time since i have typed here, and tonight may not be the most opportune time to do so either. But there have been so many things going on lately that i just really needed to type some of them out.

i have grown, some, as a woman, but more as a slave. The past few weeks have brought some amazing changes, and i can't or won't go into a lot of detail about them. Suffice it to say that i am now Padrone's bitch, something i haven't ever been able to fully embrace being.

Why did this happen? Because Padrone expressed something to me that made me realize that there *is* a way to express my submission in a deeper way. Maybe even in a more meaningful way, i'm not sure - that's one of those things that can't be defined.

Padrone exposed a bit of Himself to me, something that showed me a new way to please Him. And of course, that is something that meant more to me than i could ever express, the trust and respect He showed me to reveal something deeper than He has ever shown before, and also it made me want to show Him my gratitude in a way that only He can understand.

But it is also more than that. It is as if His expression of Himself freed me, in some ways, to reveal things that i had .... well, not supressed, because i had told Him these things, but....maybe not dwelt upon, and that may have made Him not aware of how meaningful they were to me.

In other news, as some of y'all may know already, i am Padrone's bitch. i have a kennel in our private channel where i go when i wait for Him to get online. Being His bitch, so far, has meant that i have in a few small ways, acted as a dog for His pleasure. It is something that i used to have major problems with, and i could never define why. But i realize now that i can kind of take on the mentality of a dog, ecstatic to see her Owner, and eager to show the adoration she feels for Him, and...maybe it's easer that way, i don't know. It doesn't matter, except for my ingrained need to understand things. i'll figure it out, or learn to accept that i can't, one or the other.

And some things i am in limbo regarding, waiting for Padrone to do or say what He mentioned, and what i know may never be expressed. It's hard in some ways, because i have to be patient, and understand that He will only do what He chooses to do, and if He chooses not to do something, then it is because He thinks it is best for Him and for me if He doesn't. Nothing i could do or say, even if i were the type to try to change His mind, would have any effect. And y'all know what? i love Him for that.

Actually, i love Him for a lot MORE than that, but i'm sure y'all have figured that out by now.

i'm thinking of typing something else now, but i'll put it in a different post, with a different topic since it *is* a different topic.

Padrone, i am so grateful for the growth that we have had, even when it hasn't been dramatic and emotional. i am so grateful for the trust You have shown me so recently, and for the respect You show me daily. Thank You for trusting me when i offer more than You have ever taken before. Padrone, i can't imagine belonging to anyone else. i feel as if i have been searching for You my whole life.

Thank You, Padrone, for being You, and owning me in the way You do. You truly are incredible.

humiliation

Well. This topic is a land mine, of sorts, but the fact is that humiliation itself is even moreso. So why type about it? Mainly because it is an area i have often thought of, and knew i needed, but didn't truly understand. i still don't, really, but i guess it's time to open up about it a bit now.

Humiliation has always been a two-edged sword for me. i hate it. But i need it, and i find myself getting aroused sexually and mentally when i am humiliated. What kind of humiliation is the hardest to take? That, of course differs on the person. For me, it's probably physical humiliation, because, for me, there is no physical humiliation without mental/emotional humiliation, although there can be the mental/emotional without the physical.

What i mean is that i truly hate when Padrone clamps my nipples with the belled clamps and has me greet Doms that way, especially when i am gagged. The first time that happened i cried and it took a long time for me to "recover". Now it's not so bad, but only because of familiarity, not because it is any less humiliating. i don't have to "recover" because the headspace is somewhere i have been before and know that i can get out of.

But deeper humiliation, things that i have never been able to even consider much less to do, i would have to "recover" from as i did this in the beginning.

Being Padrone's bitch, for instance, is not something i would have dreamed i would ever do without major consequences - emotionally, i mean. Yet i am doing it, and enjoying some aspects of it surprisingly enough. i still squirm when i'm told to "fetch", or when i do what i am required to do rl...but i do it, and there is some measure of satisfaction in doing it.

Some people find verbal humiliation something they can't handle. i had problems with that when i first met Padrone, but that actually faded rather quickly. The physical humiliation....actually acting in certain ways....demeaning myself....lowering myself into something .... not even human, a bitch.....i couldn't do it for a long time. i begged Padrone, once, long ago....please don't make me do this. And He, then, was gracious and considerate enough to allow me to stop.

But now, being called things, so far, hasn't been a major problem for me. i do have trigger words, things that He could say that would trigger a deeply negative reaction in me, but He knows them i think, and has never said them to me yet. Doing humiliating things is more difficult for me, but strangely enough, i find myself yearning for more.

Why?

i think that it is because i know He finds it pleasing that i would do things i hate, if He asked me to. It is a way to show the control that He has over me, and to show it more and more effectively, the more deeply humiliating the thing(s) He has me to do. i love showing whose i am, and just how deeply His i am, every chance i get.

Another reason is simply because it reinforces the depth of our relationship, to me. If He can do and say things, have me do and say things, that make me feel and seem as low as a part of me always feels i am......and care for me, accept me, love me *anyway*....then that is the kind of unconditional love and acceptance i have craved all my life.

And lastly, i honestly think that being humiliated keeps me in a submissive place. i find myself hating what i am doing, yet feeling so amazingly submissive, and even more grateful, because He asked something difficult of me. It stretches me. It pushes me. It allows me to show the depths of my submission. It allows me to show Him just how truly His i am.

And it does something inside me that i can't explain. Somehow it makes me stronger. It makes me know that i can handle more than i ever dreamed i could. But like any strengthening agent, it creates stress. Stress in anyone can trigger bad actions, and it can also create truly damaging thoughts and emotions in a relationship. Padrone and i have worked hard to create an environment of communication in our relationship, so that even negative or potentially damaging thoughts and emotions can be discussed and worked through. It makes me as a person stronger, and us as a couple stronger as well.

Humiliation is not something i will ever love, nor would i seek it if i weren't totally secure in my place in Padrone's life. But now, under the circumstances, it is something i know i can handle, even crave, and that i will somehow end up grateful for.

Padrone, i am Yours in more ways, and to more depth, than i can ever express. Thank You for the security You have provided for Your slave, so that she could grow into the person, the woman, the slave, she is.

i love You.

showing submission

i absolutely adore when Padrone tells me with words and with quite obvious actions, how He feels about me. But there are times when it isn't so obvious, when He doesn't say the things i love to hear, when He doesn't give me gestures or privileges that show His emotions.

And usually my emotions, my actions, follow His actions.....so when He says He is proud to own me, it makes me yearn to give more and more, and the emotions that follow are deep submission and devotion. So what is the reason i feel that it is something to type about here?

Well, it's so wonderful when Padrone is verbal or obvious with the emotions He feels. It's so easy to return all He gives and constantly try to give more. But what happens when He doesn't feel the need to express Himself with words or overt actions? Do i pout and whine and try to manipulate a reaction that i want and miss and have been waiting for?

i guess the way i worded that question will make the answer obvious, but i would like to say that there was a time when i would have attempted all of those things. i have learned, and indeed am still learning, the ways that Padrone expresses His emotions. He says it to me, things like "i am so proud to own You", and i love hearing it. When He expresses it often, reinforcing it, but more a case of Him bursting with the emotions that having me as His slave fills His heart with, then it is so easy to give, to feel submissive, to feel the need to express it often and in great depth.

But when He doesn't express it often, when the words go unsaid, when the actions are "normal" and not the tender actions that He surprises me with so well....when the interaction is not as ... overt i think is the word i am looking for....when the interaction is not so verbally loving, or even with actions that are typically those of a "man in love", then what am i supposed to do? It doesn't "feel" as emotional then, the emotions that are always present aren't as ... close to the "surface" as they are when i am being often praised and treated in a way that i "feel" as cherished as i am.

What i do then is i act the same way that i do when the emotions come first. Sometimes i feel the emotions and the actions spring from them. Sometimes the emotions aren't as strong or needing to be expressed as they are at other times. So what i do during those times is.....i express them anyway. And what's crazy is that there are times when those expressions of emotions that aren't burning my mind with need to be expressed, makes them *become* those burning emotions, and the expressions become more spontaneous and deep.

Padrone has taught me ever since He has known me, that no matter what emotions i feel, it's what i do that matters most....that will be judged. Most of us don't think that way, we usually tend to act on our feelings and hope that when we act inappropriately, it will be forgiven because . Guess what. It seldom works that way, even outside D/s, because what is said and done can never be unsaid or undone. And so, if behavior is judged, then i will behave in ways that i know are pleasing to Him, and if i have a real problem then all i need to do is come to Him and He is almost always willing to talk and help me find a solution to the problem.

There have been some weeks lately during which it seemed that every conversation we had included Padrone telling me how proud He is to own me, what a good slave i am to Him, how glad He is that i am His.....and He has allowed me privileges, shown me those same emotions through many and varied actionsas well as the words. It has been so wonderful, and it has been so easy to return the emotions with words and with actions.

It isn't always that way, and those are the times when i find myself second-guessing myself, Him, and everything. But the fact of the matter is that He loves me, He is proud to own me,He is happy that i am His, owning me has made a positive difference in His life, He needs me, and He wants me....even if it isn't spoken or even covertly communicated. That is how it is, and because of that, i can make it through "dry spells" of fewer words and overt actions.

Either way, i act submissively, i act loving, i act grateful, i act devoted, i act worshipful. i feel those things of course, but usually when i *act* on them, the emotions rise to the surface strongly and sharply, and i must express more and more and more.

That's what, i believe, a slave should do. Her actions should not simply reflect upon her submission or other emotions. Her actions must also reflect her desire to behave in a manner that will bring her Master pride, joy, contentment, true happiness, simply because she belongs to Him.

Padrone, i strive to always behave in a way that will bring those things to Your mind when You think of me. i know i will fail now and then, but my desire is always for Your pleasure and honor.

Thank You for teaching me this valuable lesson, and for understanding that it is one that must be relearned now and then. i love You, and i am Yours.

Emotional security

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and there are so many things i would like to type here but i don't have time to type everything i want to. So, i'll just begin and see where it goes.

i guess one of the thoughts that doesn't want to let go has been that of the fact that Padrone and i have reached the point in our relationship where neither of us has to ... hold onto the other.

That sounds funny, i know, especially in today's society, and it does NOT mean that either of us takes the other for granted. What i mean by it is that i *know* that Padrone is with me because HE wants to be here, and He trusts the same about me. i don't have to act in ways that are designed to....i don't know, maybe what i mean is that my thoughts aren't along the lines of "i hope i don't upset Him or make Him unhappy because if i do He may release me". And He no longer feels that He must act Domly all the time, to keep the submissive in me directed towards Him constantly. We have relaxed in some things, we both act appropriately, and since we trust the actions of the other, our relationship has been able to move beyond that and into one that is not so "behavior-based" for lack of another way to describe it.

It is as if, rather than keeping our "arms" wrapped tightly around the other to "keep" them with us, we can finally let our "arms" relax and get busy with other things, knowing that the other is not going anywhere.

Emotional security. That is a gift .... but it isn't one that comes cheaply. We have both worked very hard to gain what we have. This relationship has not come easy, it hasn't been a smooth ride, although i think we have reached a place that we are each... monitoring without obsessing.....and are more readily able to identify problems, and discuss them before they reach the point of imminent danger to the relationship.

Maybe that's the entire point. We have wanted what we have for so long, and now that we finally have it, we protect it very well. Our relationship is so valuable to each of us, although i would have to say that Padrone Himself is FAR more valuable to me than our relationship.....and even though it would literally handicap me to the point of emotional paralysis....if He ever felt that His happiness depended on releasing me....then i would want nothing more than His happiness....

Alright, i can't talk about that anymore.

i am not sure if that thought came across...about us not needing to hold onto one another anymore. We can focus on other things in our relationships, all the while monitoring where we are, and it is a VERY wonderful place to be.

Padrone, i thank You so much for leading and guiding this relationship into this place, and not letting me become complacent.....and not becoming complacent Yourself. i know You value me highly, and i know that You don't feel that i take You for granted either. What we have, Padrone, is something rare, beautiful, and immeasurably special.

i am Yours....You are mine....because we each want to be where we are.

i love You.

i am Yours

When i think of how You have changed me, how being Your slave has made me the slave i am, i am so humbled that i can do nothing but lie prostrate at Your feet, in futile attempt to express the emotions that i cannot even name.

The girl i was, whose sole attribute that made me stand out from any other girl was a sense of responsibility for my actions and words, never dreamed that she could ever become the woman i am now.

Padrone, You said it is as if i am a different person, even looking solely at my behaviors. i am, Padrone.

Then i was never fully Yours, no matter how submissive i was to You. Then i couldn't trust enough to give You what You deserved, what You desired, what You needed. Then i couldn't see past my own demons and painful experiences to see who You are. Then, Padrone, i gave to You all i could give, but it was never enough for me....although You seemed to know and to understand that i couldn't give more.

There were so many walls, Padrone. i had thought them impenetrable, i thought i was safe. i never knew that i would even want them to come down, because i knew who was behind those walls, and....i was ashamed of me, Padrone. i was so afraid that if You saw me, that You would turn away as so many in my life have even without seeing me. i was afraid that if others saw me, while i was wearing Your collar, that i would bring You shame rather than honor.

Padrone, Your patience and self control have brought down the walls that nobody else could even see. The night when You had me finger my ass....saying to me that You own me...i am Yours....You own me because You want to own me....Padrone, that is when the first wall crashed to the ground. i was terrified.

i began to see that You deserved more of me than i had been giving. i blamed it on the fact that You owned the other slave too. That was such a convenient excuse to ... i'm not sure exactly what i was doing then, but i know that after that night, things changed. i changed. i made a conscious choice...it's funny, i can remember the very thoughts....i chose to give You what You deserved. *i* was Your slave, just as much as the other girl was, and *i* would serve You simply because You owned me.

Such a simple thing, right, Padrone?

Yes, quite simple, yet it took more trust and pure courage than i thought i had. i was so scared that i would screw up and lose You, once i had let You inside, past the first wall. And no, i had no intention of any others coming down either.

Other walls....other crises....other situations that You have dealt with in such a way that has made me understand Your character and Your faithfulness.

Padrone, one by one, You moved farther and farther into my life, into my mind, and into my heart, until every wall was first revealed, and then removed. It has been a long, difficult time. Owning me has not been easy for You, i know. But it has been so worth it, Padrone, for You as well as for me.

Padrone, You have the slave You have always wanted, one whose deepest desire truly *is* Your pleasure. You own a slave who truly lives her life by Your will, constantly striving for Your happiness. And Your happiness has freed me.

As always, there is a quandry though. i have no way to express the things i feel.

How can i ever thank You for giving me the gift of myself?

How can i ever give You enough to repay You for the life You have given to me?

How can i ever honor You enough to make You feel as cherished as i am?

How can i ever praise You enough for the ways You have handled me and helped me grow?

Your pride in me, Your love, Your happiness in owning me, Your paitence, Your laughter, Your enjoyment of my service, Your need for me, Your faithfulness, Your understanding, Your love of communication, Your creativity, Your trust in me, and most of all, Your faith in me, are samples of the jewels that glitter brightly in the crown of Your ownership. There are so many. i am the most fortunate slave ever, and everything i do, i do in an effort to give back, to show You that i accept, finally, that the opinion You have so often told me You have of me, is true....and to give back what can never be repaid.

What i am, You have made me, and every beat of my heart is Yours.

Thank You, Padrone.