Just an Update

Well, finally I'm off for the week of Thanksgiving! It's been a long time coming, it seems. I'm glad for it - it was very much needed.

I've got a lot of thinking to do about something Padrone said last night. I've been reading for pleasure though, and letting thoughts work in the background of my mind, and I'll take them out and consider them when they force the issue, or when I finish my portfolio, whichever comes first. We'll see.

And I'm also cooking Thanksgiving dinner, as usual. Both the kids will be home, as will daughter's boyfriend and maybe another young man who is from Miami and has no family locally. Daughter asked if she could invite him, and I said yes as long as he wears a shirt (he likes tank tops, a lot) - lol.

She also wants us to get matching tattoos in white ink. She suggested hers to be "I love you" in my handwriting, and mine "I love you" in her handwriting. I love the idea, but I haven't even mentioned it to Padrone yet - I guess I have now, haven't I? :D I'm sure we'll talk about it, it's not a huge deal if it never happens, but I am absolutely warmed to the core of my being by her desire for that kind of permanent link with her mom. I really did raise a special little girl, I think.

I'm about to go to finish my book. I can't wait to see how Clark and Ding and the bunch keep Shiva from being spread worldwide!

Padrone, thank you for the book, for letting me sleep late this weekend, for the tightening of the reins a bit, for loving your slave as wonderfully and beautifully as you do. I am forever yours, my love.

Just Being Me

Just merrily floating along in "lala land" here, believe it or not. Today is a much needed "do nothing" day here in all honesty. I'm sure there are things I could be doing, but for once there is nothing that I *should* be doing rather than what I am doing, which is...well...nothing!

It's been a wild and interesting few months, that's for sure. I passed my latest Praxis II with a score of 198/200. That feels good, y'all, especially since I found out on a day when I was feeling stressed and unsure of my abilities. Not my intelligence, but rather my....I don't know how to explain it, why it seems easier for others than for me to be successful in the professional world. It's not, and the easy answer is because I analyze every little thing and wonder and overthink, which can drive me crazy. That's probably all it is, and I see others as more able to let things roll off their backs than I am, and the internalizing is difficult to stop doing. I'm definitely trying, and I believe I am showing a lot of improvement, so hopefully with experience I'll get better and better at doing that.

I'm still taking antibiotics for a kidney infection which seems to like me for some reason. I had an allergic reaction to one antibiotic the other day and ended up in the ER getting shots. I'm fine now, though.

I've been trying to show my submission, and my awareness of Padrone's control, more. It's hard some days because of how busy I am, but I am making a conscious effort to do so, and I think I am doing better anyway. I sure hope so!

In a month and 4 days, IF I get all of my work done satisfactorily that is. I still haven't heard whether or not I have passed my comps, and if I didn't, I'll have to do an oral defense of them. I sure hope they give me plenty of time to prepare if I have to do that! But other than making a poor grade on my first attempted comps (which kind of makes me mad because we were told to turn it in, then she'd offer suggestions for improvements, so we were basically graded on rough drafts), I've done pretty well. There are still several assignments ungraded though, so who knows? But as long as I make a C in the course, AND pass my comps, I'll be graduating on December 14. Seems a long way away.

But this weekend I have a guilt-free weekend. I do have work I could be doing, for school - that's a given. I have a portfolio due in a couple of weeks and several quizzes for another class that I could be doing, but I've been behind for so long that being caught up feels like being ahead of the game. I'm not complaining for sure.

It's been so much fun being Padrone's through all of this too, of course. He's not only supportive, but appreciative of my efforts to be more expressive in my submission. He lets me know so often, and that fuels my efforts even more as expected. But it isn't posed or fake - it is just who we are.

Padrone, Thank you for letting me sleep late this morning, and for being as wonderful as you are about my day off today. Your use last weekend was amazing, the scenes since then have been powerful and intense, and you, my Padrone, are the perfect Master for this slave. Thank you, for being such a genuinely good man, and such a balanced and loving Padrone. I am grateful for you, for being yours, and for knowing that I make you happy.

Use and Lessons Learned

Where to start? So much has been going on the past few weeks! But today was one of the best times I have experienced in a long, long time.

More about that in a bit.

I made a stupid mistake in my school and really put myself in a bind trying to recover from the lost time it cost to redo the assignment. It was a very important, and very large, assignment, so it was an extremely stressful situation. So I've been behind and playing catchup but I'm finally just about there. :)

Add to that the fact that I was sick for about 2 weeks as well, and that didn't help matters at all.

Work is good though. There is always change and circumstances that are challenging but overall it is quite a good year. There is more change coming as well (isn't there always?) which will mean more adjustments but it is my hope and my belief that the coming changes will all be good.

So there has been a lot of stress and changing and unfortunately even more need for understanding from Padrone than ever before. And he has, of course, been absolutely wonderful. Honestly, I don't know of a time when he hasn't been wonderful (overall). Of course there are the ups and downs of daily life and a rare grumpy mood or even his legendary patience wearing thin now and then but overall he is simply a good man who wants nothing more than to have a woman in his life who adores him and wants to make him happy. We call it M/s, and of course there is all the trappings of M/s involved in our relationship such as control, surrender, obedience, power, BDSM, etc. But the bottom line is that he needs and wants to be adored and pleased, and when he is pleased and happy then he does all he needs to in order to make his woman happy. It is, as has been discussed here and in other places, a wonderfully mutual relationship.

But I have unfortunately been on "cruise control" in terms of my submission. Oh, I do what I am supposed to do, most of the time. And I feel the submission because it is such an inherent part of my life. But I have not let Padrone know just how much I feel it, or how controlled I feel simply because the dynamics of our relationship keep him in the forefront of my life almost always. I simply do not communicate that well.

In our relationship it is VITAL that we communicate more than simply "how was your day?" "It was good, thanks, and yours?". And we do, but maybe not about the most important things. It can be so easy to assume that our partner understands our thoughts and emotions, when we have been together as long as we have. At times, however, things must be reiterated, reinforced, reaffirmed. I learned that again today, in a wonderfully intimate way.

Use, scening, however you word it, is such an intense, intimate time. Yes, even for us who are long distance only. As I was still burning, suffering, but coming back to my senses, we talked. I asked Padrone about his feelings regarding more emotional, romantic sexual interactions. That sparked a discussion that has reverberated in my mind ever since then. See, Padrone needs control. He needs to feel it, not simply know he has it. And lately - well for quite some time now actually - I have been neglecting that part of my responsibility in this relationship. I have been merrily going along, all content in my own little world and assuming that Padrone was just as content (and he is, don't get me wrong) and forgetting that the vast majority of our relationship is based on actually communicating our feelings. I forget that there are some feelings that are extremely important to communicate, and that it can be done without constantly being "mushy" or "discussing feelings".

So I am going to do my very best to not only do what I am supposed to do, but also to let Padrone know just exactly how much I feel his control in my life, and try to do whatever I can to help him to feel it as well. I'm not totally sure how to do that but Padrone knows that I am thinking about it, and that I am very committed to stepping up in this matter.

Padrone, I do indeed adore you, and I am your devoted slave who wishes for your happiness and pleasure with all I am. Belonging to you as your slave, being loved by you as your woman, being cherished as your fiore - I can think of nothing more fulfilling and more beautiful to me than that. What I hope is that I can find ways to become more and more pleasing to you. Thank you, my Owner, for being patient and loving and understanding even while you would have enjoyed more from me. I am yours, my Padrone, wonderfully and totally yours.

Alive and Kickin'

So my comprehensive exams are finally turned in, at least for the time being. If my adviser thinks I need to edit, then I'll have more work to do before next Monday. And then they get reviewed by a whole dad-gum committee and if they aren't good enough I'll have to do an oral defense of them. So it's a waiting game.

Other than that, I have a portfolio to do and some pretty intense assignments due each week.

BUT, Padrone used me last night and I melted into a messy, dripping puddle of mushy, adoring submission. *sigh*

Anyway, I am still alive and kicking, loving my school year (even if it is stressful and constantly changing). I never imagined that I would come to love these kids as I do after only a couple of weeks, but I find myself looking beyond the "readin', writin' and 'rithmetic" in ways I never imagined when I started this job. I also find myself enjoying 5th grade far more than I dreamed. So, this year has been a nice surprise in a lot of ways.

And I'll survive this semester, I promise! AND I'll stop whining, too!

Padrone, I adore you, my Eagle. Grazie, il Padrone mio.

Out of Pocket for a bit

Written comprehensive exam questions due on Monday, with revisions later next week. I'll be out of commission for a bit until I get this done.

But don't worry. I'll be back! (I know y'all will be holding your breath until then!)

A Few D/s Thoughts

I've got a couple of thoughts running through my brain that are actually about D/s for once!

First, I was thinking of how proud Padrone is of me in almost every area of his life. I thought of how he is in the background often, not in my heart and mind but ... it's a bit hard to explain to those on the outside who think of us as having an LDR only. But I feel as if I am the one to shine, and he is the one who has the joy of owning the jewel that shines so brightly. But it feels a bit awkward to me at times, because *I* would much prefer that *HE* is the one to shine.

But he is so content to watch me grow and mature and become the best I can be. He is so happy when I do some small things like take care of myself. He loves to hear that I am walking or going shopping or getting my hair done. He says that I will be getting used to things I have never had before - a decent car, a good job, even good shoes. Yes, that is almost verbatim something that he said to me not too awfully long ago, and it really impacted me strongly. I realized that I have compromised on everything, my entire life, to such an extent that I almost always talk myself out of doing things for myself. I go WAY too long between haircuts, have never had my hair professionally colored and only had my nails done professionally once in my life. My shoes are functional but not what one might consider nice. And my car is a decent car, but....it's 12 years old. The muffler fell down and started dragging yesterday, so that's another repair. It's so many little things, and while I don't have a car payment, it sometimes seems as if I spend more in repairs than a payment would be (although it's not true of course).

But the point is that Padrone does want me to shine. He wants me to become used to nicer things. He wants me to have nice clothes, shoes, car. He wants me to look good and to feel good about myself. I am so blessed to have such a man to love me, to guide me, to teach me. And what amazes me, moves me to tears even this moment, is that he is absolutely content to be in the background while I learn to shine, to soar like an eagle while he keeps his feet firmly on the ground holding the tether that keeps me from soaring too far.

He is my hero. I have said it before, and I will say it again I am sure, but there is no disputing that fact. This man who accepts me totally, just as I am, but also sees so much potential in me....how can I ever express the emotions that overwhelm me? He is the one who should shine. He is the one who should have the spotlight, with me simply serving and encouraging him. He is the one who should be soaring, with me following along.

I am so blessed to have this man in my life.

And last night proved again just why that is so. Last night he talked about using me, and lately he has been talking about it more than usual. So I commented about that, simply because it has been a long time and...well I was resisting for some reason. I was surprised since it *has* been so long, and I usually don't feel that way actually. But I was mentally thinking "whatever" when Padrone said something to the effect that being used is good for me. So we talked about it and Padrone realized that I was just out of the habit of being used, and he took responsibility for it totally upon himself. Well, I can't use myself for sure but the reality is that I too should have taken responsibility for asking for it, making sure his needs are being met since that *is* my responsibility!

But I've been thinking about it. I wonder if my age, or my medicine, or lack of time has been diminishing my need for use. But I need *him* more than ever. I absolutely adore this man, but such a major part of our relationship is not expressed without the use. We can express our D/s in other ways, but honestly the intimacy that we both crave from each other is expressed most strongly through use, physical and emotional use that causes suffering and expresses the dynamic at its very core. There is nothing then, nothing except control and submission. There is only power, pulsing, throbbing, flowing almost as a living entity that strips us both bare of all except our most base needs - to control and to be controlled.

That is why we do what we do. It is who we are. It is what we need. And yes, it is good for me to be used. However, I still resist now. I think my hormones, my medicine, and my cold all contribute to it. I would prefer not to go to work sore. Right now I can think of negatives, rather than the intimacy that calls to me with its Siren's song. So yes, I know it is good for me. It keeps the resistance, the negativity, at bay.

Padrone, the best I can do today is to say that I am willing to be used. I am not eager for it, and I am disappointed in myself for that fact. I will probably be laughing at myself after the first use, but I guess it is human nature to resist what is no longer a habit. I'm laughing right now, through my tears, as I compare being used with walking. Well, I am overcoming my resistance to walking by just doing it, as I have typed here before. So maybe I am asking for help in overcoming resistance to being used, Padrone. Of course you would "help" even if I didn't ask for it, by using your slave as you wish. Thank you, for being the thoughtful, loving Padrone you are. Thank you for doing what is best for me, for you, and for us. I am more than blessed to belong to you, my Padrone. Thank you.

Question of the Day

I asked Padrone a question tonight that was said in a lighthearted tone but which has become more and more serious the more I thought about it. I asked him "What would I do without you?"

You know, Padrone and I have never met face to face. But that doesn't seem to matter much for us. I need him far more than I ever imagined I would when we began this beautiful journey. It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true nonetheless.

And as I mentioned to him when he was talking about using me and how he is looking forward to using me again, for me it is the little things that mean far more than the major times of use. Those are absolutely wonderful and equally necessary for our relationship's health of course, but frankly...it is during the times when I slip in my duties and he, in his simple, direct way points me back on the right path, that mean far more to me than anything else.

Recently I've had issues with one particular student with emotional disorder, and of course Isaac was a factor for me as well. So I hadn't been in touch as I am supposed to be, like emailing daily. It felt so good to hear, "Since ChildX is no longer a factor, and Isaac is gone, you will resume your daily emails." I know it's crazy, but just hearing, feeling that short leash, is such a major comfort to me.

And I use him shamelessly to help me solve all sorts of problems. I tend to get so caught up in the details that I usually can't see the big picture. He, of course, CAN. That gives him a far better perspective than I will ever have, and I ask his advice very often. Tonight I asked for help with what turned out to be an embarrassingly simple problem (once I knew the solution, that is), and that's when I asked what I would ever do without him.

But it's true. The question is rhetorical of course, but when I think of how my life would be without him, the gratitude that seems to be a major hallmark of my emotional life simply overflows like a fountain.

I have never been as supported, as encouraged, or as accepted by anyone as I am by Padrone. He wants me to be happy, plain and simple. I have never had anyone in my life who felt that way about me. Never has my happiness made another person happy, without some ulterior motive involved.

What would I do without Padrone? I cannot even fathom it.

Padrone, I am grateful that I won't have to find out the answer to that question anytime soon. I am forever yours. Forever, gratefully, totally yours. Words fail me now...except to say thank you, for the small things, for the big things...for simply being you.