Headache Relief?

I've done something I had never done before. I have been crying ever since Padrone and I got online because of it. And yes, I am supposed to type about it here. So, some background...

I have been sick, with mono (kissing disease, go ahead and laugh, everyone else has). Today was my first fever-free day since last Tuesday or Wednesday, a week and a half. Mono is no fun, it's not only the exhaustion which is overwhelming, but also the aches, the sore throat, the fever, the eye pain, the ... well, you get the idea. I've been off work all week, which is understandable. I've been pretty darn useless as a submissive, but very well cared for as a woman anyway. (That's what makes it work so wonderfully).

Today I *also* developed a migraine. I am prone to them as I think I have mentioned here before. But since my son and I have both had mono (sorry, I forgot that detail....he got sick a couple of days after I did), I totally ran out of ibuprofen without realizing it. I have been out of my imitrex for a while, and forget to ask for a new prescription when I am at the doctor's for other things, and I hate to go to the doctor *just* for imitrex....grrr.....I frustrate myself sometimes. Things that I type now actually made sense at the time...the exhaustion of the mono ... I don't think very clearly when I am that tired...

Today, when that migraine hit, the only thing I could think of that even had the potential to relieve it was orgasm. Yes, I had done it before, *years* ago, and it helped some. I knew a bath wouldn't help, and the headache was coming on fast and furious. The aura was so strong that I could barely see for the blind spots and sparkles.

I was not in the least bit horny, let me make that perfectly clear. All I was thinking of was the theory behind headache relief that orgasms can sometimes provide. Yes, I did remember that Padrone's first rule for me was "no cumming without permission". And yes, I willfully disobeyed.

Or tried to, at least.

I got my toys out, buzzed a little, focused, strained, stressed....and....simply could not do it.

I tried for a few minutes, not long. I felt incredibly guilty, and I hated that I had done what I had done. My body had tensed enough, though, that the relaxing of it helped the tightly contracted blood vessels relax as well, which helped the headache as I had hoped.

It was an unbelievably long afternoon, as some of you may imagine. I dreaded telling Padrone. I hated to know his disappointment in me. I knew he would be, and if he hadn't been, I would have been even more upset, wondering why. The hardest thing I have done in years is to tell Padrone that I willfully disobeyed him. I have never done that in all the time we have been together.

To further explain.....my reasoning was nothing more than to relieve the headache. It was so severe that I knew I had to do something or I would end up at the doctor's office, or the ER, depending on how quickly it worsened. It affected my thinking, but I still knew that what I chose to do was wrong. I knew that I was choosing to disobey.

I could have texted, but it was Padrone's dinnertime, and I knew that it might be hours before I got a reply...and I knew that the waiting would be filled with more pain than I was ... I almost said "capable of enduring", but I could have endured it I guess. I just honestly didn't think I could. I literally could not face the possible wait...of course, he could have replied very soon, depending on when his dinner was ready and served, but it was highly, highly unlikely.

As the headache eased, the emotional upheaval increased. It was all I could do not to beg Padrone's forgiveness via text, but I felt that it was too complicated to explain in a few characters so I waited until we were online together.

I still can't stop crying. I *chose* to disobey il Padrone mio...my Master....not something I want to accept about myself....

Padrone's response....well, I will simply copy and paste our online conversation, it's easier, and easy sounds good at this moment....and it will also give you some insight into him, his thought processes, even when he is blindsided by something as totally out of character as what I had done...he had asked how my headache was....

[18:10] (me) Padrone, it's better....i did something that i may be in trouble for, though, Padrone :(
[18:10] (him) tell me
[18:10] (me) takes a deep breath
[18:11] (me) Padrone....i had that migraine .... and i am out of medicine....
[18:12] (me) Padrone, and i could tell i was getting tense....muscles i mean....and i couldn't make them relax, which would have helped.....
[18:13] (me) Padrone, and i have also heard that sex can help ease a headache......so while i was not at ALL horny......i ....use some toys....did not cum.....but i .... i tried to cum....just to ease the headache....i couldn't, and after 2 or 3 minutes i couldn't even stand the toys anymore....
[18:13] (me) Padrone, i am so sorry, Padrone :(
[18:14] (him) when did it happen?
[18:15] (me) Padrone, i'm not sure of the time, but it was probably between your 7 and 8 pm, Padrone
[18:16] (me) Padrone, just tensing up, *trying* to cum (it's strange, i honestly cannot cum now without you saying i can, even if i try to).....it helped my headache, Padrone
[18:17] (him) why didn't you txt and ask for permission, was the migrain so bad you couldn't wait?
[18:18] (me) i am so sorry....i have never done anything like that before, and if i had not been out of medicine, even ibuprofen, i wouldn't have even tried.....and yes, it was that plus there was only a short window of time when i was alone and could ... really relax (theoretically), Padrone
[18:19] me is so sorry :(
[18:19] (him) ah, and now you think you MAY be in trouble, you are not sure?
[18:20] (me) Padrone, well...i didn't cum....i couldn't cum.....so i don't know if i technically broke a rule or not.....i did play without permission....not out of horniness though....so i just....wasn't sure, Padrone :(
[18:20] (me) i didn't know how you would look at it
[18:21] (me) Padrone, i am so sorry, Padrone
[18:22] (him) well, dear, i'm not so sure myself ... you did play without permission, but there are mitigating circumstances ... did you get any medicine after that?
[18:23] (me) Padrone, when i was in town i got ibuprofen...i didn't realize that we were completely out until i found the empty bottle when i went to get some.....i have it now, Padrone
[18:23] (me) Padrone, i have to go to the doctor to get the imitrex i usually take, though, Padrone
[18:24] he nods ... i find interesting that you couldn't cum without permission even when you tried ...
[18:25] me trembles a bit as she waits
[18:26] (him) but i have to consider that you decided to try ... but also, occasionally suffering of sinusitis myself, i know what kind of killer pain you suffered ...
[18:27] (him) and also i have to consider that it's the first time you willingly decide to disobey since i know you ...
[18:28] (him) and you probably feel guilty as hell now, mm?
[18:28] (me) oh god yes
[18:29] me is crying, and i have felt sick about it all day....i just ..... i should have asked, but i had no idea when you might read and reply....and hoped that you would say yes...and the headache was worsening every second....i am so, so so sorry, Padrone
[18:30] (me) no excuses....it...seemed justifiable at the time.....but i wasn't thinking clearly i know......
[18:31] (him) alright, all i want you to do about this is to write a blog post about it, you will explain it all and describe your feelings, but you don't need to be specific about HOW you disobeyed, that's up to you
[18:31] (me) i had done it once before, years and years ago, before i even knew about D/s....still married......he wouldn't pay for me to go to the doctor.....so i did it then....it helped a little.....that's why i decided to try it.....
[18:32] me sobs softly..... oh god...
[18:32] (him) is that a problem?
[18:34] (me) Padrone....it will be very, very hard to do....but it isn't a problem, of course not....well, a problem, but not ....well, not something i won't do, or will rebel against or complain about or whatever, Padrone
[18:35] (him) you are forgiven anyway, you just try to write that post, and if it comes out it's too hard for you ... well, we will talk about it
[18:37] me just cries softly.....Padrone, i am so sorry.....thank you.....i will write it...but it may not make sense....it's hard to explain how i thought then, cos i wasn't thinking clearly, and it makes no sense now when i try to explain it, Padrone
[18:37] (him) now give me a kiss and tell me you love me, schiava
[18:39] me raises her teary face and kisses you lovingly.....Padrone, you are my life....i love you beyond measure....i don't deserve you....but i am intensely, forever grateful for you, il Padrone mio
[18:39] (him) me caresses your hair and softly sings ...
[18:40] (him) you are beautiful, no matter what they say ...
[18:40] (him) (his reason for singing here, not mine to reveal :))
[18:41] me smiles and melts
[18:41] (me) Padrone, thank you.....i haven't ever had to do anything as difficult as telling you that i willfully disobeyed, since i have known you, Padrone

I have an amazing, amazing Master. I mean, truly amazing. Even after assigning the consequences for my choices, he was careful to let me know that I would be listened to if it was too difficult for me, since he understands extremely well just how difficult this degree of revelation is for me to do. Strange for a blogger, I guess, but true. And Padrone understands it, and me, far better than even I ever realized.

He looks not only at what I have done, even when I willfully disobeyed, but rather at who I am...the circumstances surrounding it....and set consequences that were so very appropriate and ... helpful. Padrone, I can't ever thank you enough for listening to me...really, really listening to me....understanding as well as you do, even when you don't really want to... and for setting an appropriate punishment (or consequences as the case may be). Thank you for the immediate forgiveness, and the loving reassurance of that forgiveness.

I have never loved you any more than I do at this moment, with tears streaming down my face, guilt for disrespecting you, for disobeying you, filling my heart....but the knowledge of your loving, generous forgiveness overriding it all. I am more grateful than I can every express, simply to be the woman you love. Grazie, il Padrone mio, grazie.

Underestimating our Doms

I do it far more often than I like to think.

From what I read, I am not alone in this.

Yes, we do tend to put our Doms on a pedestal. We tend to want to believe that they walk on water. We *need* for them to be as close to perfect as we think we are far away from perfect. We need for them to be everything we think we are not.

Because we have chosen to live in a particular way, within specified relationship roles and guidelines, we are indeed free to express who we are to the fullest extent possible. And that is absolutely the most wonderful, fulfilling, feeling I have ever felt in my life outside childbirth.

But there are times when I think we forget the rest of the picture. We forget that we, even when we are living our submission to the fullest extent possible, are only half of the equation and that no relationship of any sort is achievable when it is out of balance. Oh yes, it is easy to remember that our Doms are just as Dominant as we are submissive. But what about the rest?

We tend to worry a lot about how they will react if we are less than perfect in our submission. If we fail to maintain their standards we wonder if they will lose interest, and leave.

My how we underestimate our Doms.

I learned this particular lesson during the summer I was working full time at a physically demanding job with crazy hours and little pay, while going to grad school full time. It was challenging to say the least and for lots and lots of reasons, and y'all know how worried I was about Padrone's pleasure, satisfaction, happiness. I worried that he would find someone else to scene with (believe it or not I would have been alright with that if it weren't for the fact that our own relationship started in much the same circumstances), and more upsetting - I worried that he would be enticed by someone who was more available than I was (and am).

I do cringe when I remember just how worried I was that summer. Yes, it was about me and my own insecurities. But it was also about Padrone and how I really didn't think about how little faith I was showing in him. He is such a wonderful man, and so wonderful to *me*. And I have commented, typed, before about his commitment to me and our relationship. But somehow that was lost in the shuffle at that time.

I am not alone in that line of thought.

Why is it that the men we hold in such high esteem, we tend to attribute some pretty ugly qualities whenever we don't meet some arbitrary standards? I mean, yes, I do understand that they have high standards for us in terms of behavior and such. But we have even higher standards for ourselves. And honestly, I believe that tends to leave us totally inflexible in a lot of ways. That inflexibility about our own standards of behavior can create inflexible expectations for both ourselves as well as our Dominants.

The simplistic view is that if we don't behave within a specific set of behaviors that not only have we failed, but that our Doms see us as failures. When we believe that we are seen as failures what happens? Usually we tend to do whatever we can to "fix" things. In other words, we take control over ourselves. Why? Do we really not believe that our Doms can control us when we are less than perfect?

Much has been written about submission not being meaningful if it is easy. I believe that thought is often translated into "submission is *only* meaningful if it is *not* easy", which is not necessarily true. Both subs and Doms often see the more difficult aspects of submission as the most meaningful, and forget about the day-to-day things done to serve, please, and obey that are not always difficult or which become less difficult over time.

We think, many times, that it is our responsibility to keep our Dominants from having any kind of difficulties in the relationship.

We underestimate them.

Maybe, just maybe, it is when Dominance is more difficult that is just as meaningful as when submission is difficult. Maybe Doms should be stretched in ways equal to the way we want to stretch our submission. Maybe being a Dom is difficult in ways that we may not think of, but the ways we *do* think make it difficult .... really aren't that difficult .... maybe it is mostly because the things *we* think are difficult are merely things we would *find* difficult if we were the big D.

Maybe there's a reason we aren't Dominant. Maybe, just maybe, our own strengths lie in different directions and allow us to be who we are and let them be who they are. (Not necessarily who we think they are or should be or react how we would)

When we take such a heavy responsibility for our relationships it is as if we believe that they have no responsibility for anything other than giving us the control we need to be fulfilled as a person. We lose sight of the fact that they are equal partners in our relationships, bearing equal responsibility for their success.

We underestimate them.

Believe it or not, they really *are* as great as we think they are. They are just as strong as we give them credit for being. Even in the BAD times. Even when we *aren't* as great as we think we should be. Even in the crazy times. As Padrone tells me, and sometimes I literally have to remind myself of that in the few times when he gets upset with me....He isn't made of glass. Getting upset now and then won't hurt him, much less break him!

Neither would running a dishwasher or having to masturbate when I can't be available. I even plan to teach him how to use a washer, but don't tell him I said that! But the problem we have is that we submissives think that our "job" in terms of keeping our Dominants happy, is meeting every freaking need they may possibly have and if they have to ask us for something, we've somehow failed.

Maybe our failure is in not understanding that these men are strong, capable men and that their universal expectation of us is that we do our best, given our circumstances. They are flexible enough to understand that life happens, circumstances change, and they are pretty darn good about changing their behavioral expectations of us based on those things. (One more admirable trait that we forget about when we take them off the pedestal and replace them with our own behaviors.) Yes, I do believe that part of underestimating our Doms is that we hold our own submission up as what makes the relationship work (or create problems, as the case may be). I do not believe that is true any more than I believe that one person can see-saw alone!

Padrone, I offer my sincere apology for underestimating you. I have no excuse other than the fact that I did not realize just how much control I was retaining by assuming such a heavy burden of responsibility for the health of our relationship. While I comment on, and deeply admire, your commitment to me and to us....somehow I still wanted...want?...to prevent any weakening of that commitment. Guess what? It's not going anywhere. And even if it did...it would not be *my* responsibility for it happening.

If I truly believe in you...that you are the person I think you are....then my responsibility is to let go of the idea that your happiness is based on what I do or don't do. I have to accept that you are happy with me because of who I am, rather than what I do. Yes, I have talked about this before, but never in terms of how that attempt to retain absolute control over the health of our relationship underestimates you as it does. God...Padrone, I am so, so sorry.

Thank you, my Padrone, for being who you are. Thank you for letting me grow and learn and change to become the best person I can be, and the best slave for you. I am yours...through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Totally and irrevocably yours.

My Power, My Pleasure, My Pain

There are so many thoughts running through my brain, and none of them seem very well formed, so this particular blog post may make absolutely no sense at all. But it is what it is, whatever that may be!

First, I am very much enjoying my semester so far. The changed assignment has been so very different than the other situation was, and I thoroughly enjoy going to work again now. I am very grateful for the change!

My school started back last week, and until the first full week of March I will have two classes per week, so it will be interesting but good. I'll be busy of course. I am going to get some help with one of my assignments from the teachers on my new hall, since they are very much the type of people who will help me out like that. I love it, I really love it, y'all.

But on to what is strongly on my mind....

I have seen so much discussion lately about the relative ease or difficulty of submission. I have read blog posts written by women who seem to constantly struggle to be pleasing and respectful, and I have read blog posts by those who would have us believe that their submission is the pinnacle that we should all strive towards.

And it just seems to me that so many people aren't in this lifestyle to be who they are, to fulfill their lives by being freed to express their very core as fully as possible. I understand that the level of Dominance and submission in each person's makeup is different. I understand these things are relative and extremely individual. But I have stopped reading many blogs because of these very reasons.

I know it doesn't matter ... my blog reading habits that is. But I just wish I could say...just be yourself, be happy in what you do. If that isn't possible, then rethink it. The whole purpose for any relationship, and the dynamics within it, is to make the participants happy. If there is more strife than peace, then something isn't working. I am also not talking situationally, but rather generally, of course.

I think this type of relationship has become more popular in recent years, to the extent that many people are trying to live a fantasy that is being perpetuated faster than those who would try to present a realistic view of how we live D/s can overcome. It seems that our voices are becoming like cries in the wilderness. We are being dismissed as "downers" while the glowing accounts of the perfect life of D/s are perpetuated as gospel. I understand the appeal. What I find disturbing is the effects on so many people when the unrealistic expectations of D/s as the ultimate problem-solving dynamic fails. Instead of people looking at their expectations as being unrealistic, they tend to judge themselves, and that is ...destructive. I know this, as some of you know, from personal experience.

I do, at times, still struggle with the idea of perfection in my submission. And you know, I think Padrone has created a situation in our relationship that allows me to be as "perfect" in my submission as I can be. His expectations are things that are not unrealistic, although they do require diligence on my part to perform. But frankly, if I were expected to stifle my sassy attitude, or my analytical nature, or even my questioning him at times, then both of us know that neither of us would be happy in this relationship. You know...if Padrone doesn't like who I am, then he would not be happy anyway. And if I didn't care enough about Padrone to speak to him with respect, then I would not be happy either.

I have said for years that this type of relationship is not a power exchange...it is an exchange of authority and responsibility. It is a defining of roles, with expectations of behavior on both sides of the / defined within those roles. It is a definite and outward show of respect on the part of the submissive partner, and a constant attitude of respect on the part of the Dominant.

But Padrone is no more powerful in this relationship than I am. He has the control and the authority and the responsibility yes. But his *power* is only equal to my own. He cannot control me any more powerfully than I submit. The little ways that I show my submission are often very powerful in and of themselves, in that they increase his own feeling of power over me. That is why Padrone loves the spontaneous, unsolicited, shows of submission as much as the formality that is inherent in our communication. And you know what? we can feel just as Dominant or submissive as we want to, but without the consensual expression of it, it means absolutely nothing.

I think what I am trying to say is that we are nothing without each other. We are so much in love, and so very appreciative of each other, that showing it is natural and so very fulfilling. But it is only because Padarone has been amazingly patient and caring and concerned with making it work. Rules, punishments, expectations, corrections, discipline, use...everything has changed and grown as we have changed and grown. Our circumstances change, as everyone's do, and Padrone sees that far better and much sooner than I do. He is flexible and adaptable, which means that our relationship grows and changes in wonderful and positive ways. What *doesn't* change, however, is who we are and they fact that we express it in ways that we both need in our lives. This song, by Seal, has a line that caught my attention on the way home from work the other day. I just like it, and thought I would share:

Thankfulness and Gratitude

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and that even though life begins to return to normal this week, with just a New Year's bump in the way, everyone can keep a bit of the wonder of Christmas in their hearts for as long as possible.

I've been thinking about something lately that I am not totally sure I can articulate clearly but I am going to try. I often talk about how grateful I am ... and how I have noticed a strong "attitude of gratitude" in my life in the past couple of years that has grown until it couldn't be ignored any longer.

But that is just what it is - gratitude. It is far more than simple thankfulness. For me, being thankful is more...specific to a situation or circumstance, than is gratitude. I am very thankful for many, many things in my life. I am thankful for specific things, for situations, for people, for circumstances. And maybe it is due to this feeling of thankfulness that contributes so strongly to the gratitude that overflows so strongly at times.

I read recently that gratitude is happiness combined with awe. That simple statement really hit home with me. I often talk here about being happy, and I am incredibly happy. I mean, incredibly happy. I have struggled to describe that feeling, at least until I read that particular statement. Now I can say that my happiness is mixed with a very strong feeling of awe.

I am awestruck by my life. I am truly amazed by where I am now, by who I am, by the path that has gotten me to this place. I have waited so long, been through so much, to reach the career goal that had seemed so elusive my entire life.

But the most important, least obvious, change has been within (as it usually is when people go through major changes). I am still working on things, of course, but where I am now compared with where I was even when Padrone and I met ... well, let's just say those places are worlds apart. I am very thankful for that. But I am also incredibly grateful.

I'm struggling with how to express what I am trying to say.

I have grown exponentially as a woman in the past few years. It had actually begun before I met Padrone, but it has steamrolled since meeting him. Yes, he has played the most vital role in that change, but it is because of his unconditional acceptance of me as I am. He has revealed to me part of how he sees me, and the gradual (and maybe unintentional) way in which he did it convinced me of his sincerity. He wasn't just blowing smoke, as many others had done before him.

You know, that is probably the *most* important pillar in the foundation of our relationship, and just as importantly in my own personal growth. See, it has grown and changed, morphed from simply being his opinion to my own belief in myself. I don't know when or how the shift happened, I just know that it has.

Of course, I still have areas to work on in terms of insecurities and confidence. I find myself at work, for instance, unconsciously exhibiting some major insecurities, even though I honestly didn't realize I was doing it until someone mentioned it to me. I feel as if I have had so much thrown at me without much direction that my feelings of insecurity were natural. I think that most people would have felt that way in the same circumstances, but that could also be a major justification for my own feelings. I do know that I fear making mistakes at work. I think a lot of it is due to my work history - there was always the threat of losing a job if too many mistakes were made. I am finding that with teaching, at this particular district at least, is not that way. It is a difficult concept for me - that they are flexible and accepting even with mistakes. They would rather have stability than hire new teachers constantly. Now I realize why people complain about teachers - lol.

I am very thankful for the job. I am thankful that I was given a chance to prove myself. I am thankful for the time off I have had. I am thankful for small things, for big things.

But I am grateful for the way my life is in general. I am happy with a sense of awe at .... everything... who I am turning into, what is going on in my life, and the potential that has been unlocked for my future. Just...so very, very grateful.

Padrone, I know that you always say that it is me who is doing the "work" involved in all of these changes. And at times it is so overwhelming - so many changes all at once can really be too much to handle sometimes. I have tried to explain the effect you have had on me during this time of growth and change, and I can only hope that you understand that I truly could never have done all of this without you.

Padrone, I know that who I am is not what is going on in my life. It is just that I am so happy, so filled with awe that so many good things are finally happening .... and even more awestruck that I am not fighting the idea that I actually deserve them. I have worked hard, very hard, and am continuing to do so as you know, to bring about a lot of the changes that are happening. But that they are actually happening is filling my heart, my mind, and my entire life, with gratitude that overflows and affects every tiny little aspect of my life.

Thank you, Padrone, for doing more than just allowing me to do things. Thank you for encouraging, supporting, pushing, setting priorities, and loving me...it all boils down to the love. Padrone, I am deeply, unabashedly, grateful for the freedom to grow into who I am that will always be a part of our relationship because it is simply who you are. I may have changed and grown without you in my life, but I can guarantee that I would not have changed so much or come so far, without you. I am yours. So very, very yours. And inexpressibly grateful to be so.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

And feel like it too! I'm not talking about the weather, or even the tree that is twinkling at me as if it has a big secret it is keeping from me! I have a major case of Christmas Spirit, right down to the ringtone on my phone, which is set as Sleigh Ride by the band Relient K! Every time I hear it I remember going to see them in concert with my daughter, and it brings back a lot of very good memories.

I just received notice that my last two classes ended in As, just like all I have taken since I began taking classes. I plan to take two classes in the Spring - one is a half-semester course, for 8 weeks only, and the other is a full semester course. The half-semester course is the same one that I ended up dropping in the fall, so I already have the books, the syllabus, and a bit of familiarity with the teacher, so that helps. I hope to be able to go ahead and get some of the assignments done, and maybe one of the "biggies" started, before the course begins. It won't start until at least the middle of January so I do hope to be able to get a jump start on it.

But I am not sure if I will be able to or not. At work I have had another major surprise, but this one is a pleasant one for me, even if not for some other teachers. My job has changed yet again. I've been moved from Elementary to Junior High, and I will be doing mostly inclusion. I will work with several teachers, and I will have the students in 7th and 8th grade, as oppposed to the 5th and 6th grade students I have now. I will miss my students, for sure, but I will not complain about going to the Junior High at all. The teacher who is going to 5th and 6th grade is really upset about it. She has always said that she *will not* teach Elementary, and since she is already planning on looking for a new job, I think this just reinforces that decision. I feel for her, because she has a semester of dealing with the teachers I have had to deal with!

This means not only changing IEP lists, but changing classrooms, changing buildings, changing administration. The only things that stay the same are the Sped Director, the Case Manager, and the Superintendent. I know these students because I have been doing inclusion for a couple of classes with them all year long. Now I feel that I will have the chance to get to know them, and help them, better because I will be seeing them more this way. I will *be* their Sped teacher, instead of them having several different teachers doing inclusion, or even none at all. I am glad it is working out, and I am glad to be in one school, and I am glad to be with the older students, although as I said I will miss my students very much. We haven't told them, which I disagreed with because of the types of students we have and their need for longer processing periods for new information...especially something as important as who their teacher will be. Oh well, that wasn't my decision, and other than seeing them in passing and (hopefully) grabbing a hug or two, it won't be me dealing with it. Harsh, maybe, but true.

So I am very excited about next school semester, both work-wise and school-wise. I have 6 more courses until I have my Masters degree, which I hope to complete next December. Wouldn't that be a trip? I also want to take another Praxis II exam so I can be highly qualified, and (even Padrone doesn't know this cos I keep forgetting to tell him) the Sped Director said the school district will pay for it! So I will probably take two of them, although the highly qualified one is most important and I will take it first.

And I can't keep from mentioning just how lucky I am to belong to Padrone. He is so warm and giving, loving and thoughtful, except when he plays backgammon of course. He isn't perfect, no matter how good he is, but we fit so well together that maybe it is our relationship that is so good, greater than either of us as individuals. I cannot imagine being with anyone else. I honestly have nothing to complain about, and this man makes it so easy to submit to him. I am unbelievably lucky, and I hope he feels the same way. I know he does, actually. I have no doubts whatsoever.

Honestly, I feel as if I am living a dream relationship. The only drawback is the ocean between us, but it is only *really* bad when we think about it, or when we have a powerful need (not necessarily sexual). I have been more aware of it since starting this job than ever before...I mean in an ongoing basis. I often would give anything for a hug, or for an evening with him, or a kiss, or .... well, y'all get the picture. But Padrone is just as wonderful as y'all might imagine about being even more "there" for me when I let him know I need it.

Padrone, I have often portrayed you in this blog as "larger than life", or in a more positive light than you seem to think you deserve. But all I can say is that you and my children are the best things that have ever happened to me. I would still be working at Wal Mart if it weren't for you, my Love, and your belief in me. Making you proud of me ...

I realize that, as a submissive woman, my ultimate goal in life is supposed to be serving you, making you happy. And you know, I love doing that. I love when you are happy and pleased with me. But, Padrone, the most incredible feeling in the world washes over me when you tell me how proud you are of me, and when you beam with pride over my accomplishments - big or small. I cannot explain just how that makes me feel, Padrone, but I can say that it is an addictive feeling and it motivates me even more than making you happy does.

I am not sure if I am explaining this well or not, but I do hope you understand what I am trying to say. My life has been forever changed because I know you. You could never have made this type of difference in my life if you had been any other man, or any other type of Master. How I love you, my wonderful, life-changing, Padrone. Thank you...thank you....thank you.

Words, Words, Words

Words are very important in any relationship - they add so much but the lack of them can destroy even more. Because of the specific dynamics of our relationship words are even more meaningful to us than they may be to others, and that required a lot of adjustment for me.

The reality is that, no matter how much we wish our partner could read our mind, sometimes we have to overtly state things, or ask things outright. I have found that, once that awkward moment has passed, the discussion that follows is extremely beneficial and we usually have a far more open, close, relationship than before we talked.

There was a time when I wondered if I was supposed to act on my sexuality, or if that was presumptuous. I mean, submissive means having needs, but releasing control for those needs being met to another, right? I had always known that I could attract men, seduce them, but when the power was given to another over my life, my sexuality....what then? Was I supposed to sit and wait for him to decide to use me or to make me feel a certain way or...what?

This is where the words come into play, for me at least. And boy did it take a lot of talking for me to finally come to understand that Padrone really *does* want the best for me, and if I try to seduce him, or even mention that I am feeling sexual, he will then take the control he wants and needs and do what he wants. Often, not always mind you, but often what he does is exactly what I had longed for. Not always of course. And there have been times when I have taken the initiative and simply gone ahead and acted on my feelings.

I think, for us, that seduction is as much mental as anything else. In our particular dynamic a lot of what Padrone appreciates is when I offer my submission overtly. He appreciates so much when I find ways to please him, not merely sexually but in all ways. That fuels his Dominance, and it feeds my own submission, and his happiness and mine are in direct proportion to each other so...it is a beautiful, symbiotic relationship.

He loves when I use my words to indicate my desires. He loves a certain tone of voice that sparks a response in him. We've been together long enough for me to understand what he likes and appreciates, and now and then I have a flash of an idea that works. More often I don't, but it is those times when things click that make him so happy with the slave he owns.

I started this post yesterday, and right after this Padrone used me quite harshly. After the use, in the same phone call, I asked for something that I never dreamed I would ask for - to be allowed to cum more often, especially using insertion with a realistic toy rather than just playing with my fingers or a vibe. I don't mean daily or anything but it had been so long that I wasn't even able to recognize the need as sexual...I simply lumped it all together under "stress". It hasn't been granted or even mentioned again, but I do know that Padrone is thinking about it and has had some insight that it may help me to relieve some of the other types of stress if the sexual bit doesn't build until it is adding to it. Not to mention the simple physical stress relief of an orgasm. I'm not sexually needy, so much so that I truly didn't realize until he used me in a particular way just how much I missed it, how much it helped me in general to experience it. But if we didn't have the type and level of communication we do, I could never have even mentioned it to him to open the discussion. It was one of those awkward moments, for me at least, but I do know that Padrone will do what is best for me after we talked. He is quite creative about things, though, so I really don't what will happen, but I am relieved that it is *his* problem now!

And then again, this morning, I asked permission for something and he denied it. I wasn't upset about it, but since it was something I really hoped to do, I very respectfully asked him to reconsider, giving the *real* reasons for it, and he did. He granted permission, but only after I explained the real reasons I had hoped to be given permission to do it, rather than the superficial reasons I had initially given. Words, talking, communication...it WORKS, y'all. It really, really works.

And I would say that even if he had not granted permission, btw. He would still have been given as much information as I could give, and made the decision based on that rather than the partial information he had before. Now, just don't ask why I don't give that kind of information first....I have no answer, yet. I will, though, it's how I am.

One last thought: I know that not everyone celebrates the extremely American holiday of Thanksgiving (which is tomorrow for those who may not know), but it is my sincere wish that everyone takes a moment or two and reflects upon things and people they are truly thankful for having in their lives. I have learned that a grateful heart is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I have such a different perspective on every aspect of my life now, which is the ultimate thing I am thankful for having in my own life.

Padrone, I will be thinking of you as my family and I share the feast we are blessed enough to spread on our table. You, my love, are the most wonderful blessing in my life, and it is due to you that my life has changed so dramatically. I love you, and I thank you, my loving Padrone. I am indeed grateful to be yours.

One Happy Teacher!

So I am off for an entire WEEK!!! I love teaching, and even more right at this moment, that's for sure!

I think Padrone is kind of happy about that as well, if the soreness of my ass is any indication. It is supposed to be even more sore, possibly as soon as tonight. I will have some privacy tomorrow but he possibly won't, so the universe is still on its axis - lol.

I think the removal of stress of work has also had a major, positive, effect on my libido as well! I have been sexual, and I think I have been better about showing it when I feel that way. I know Padrone really enjoys when I can show that whore side of me, the need for sexual use. And I love when I beg for what I feel that I need, and he simply says "you will be what I want you to be" and that is the end of that.

I've gotten all my school assignments done for this week, and have begun on one of the ones due next week. My plan is to finish them either after class on Monday night, or on Tuesday at the latest, so I can enjoy my holiday week. I do have a couple of things to do with my work as well, but they can easily be done in between baking and cooking and cleaning this week. Of course, lesson plans aren't quite that easy, and I hope to get caught up with them ... at least for the most part ... this week as well. I do have to have them done for the first week back, at least, because I will have a substitute for two days while I go to training. Yay me!

I am happy, grateful for the week off, and proud to belong to my Padrone. Life is good.

I love you, Padrone. You are so wonderful to me, my Love, and I am grateful to be yours.