Monday, May 25, 2015

Surprise!

I'm still here!

I have moved twice since I've posted here, to two different states! But I finally am in a place where I am content and (dare I say it) HAPPY!

I'm now teaching students with Emotional and Behavioral Disabilities (EBD kids) in grades 6,7, and 8. The administration is supportive, the teachers are welcoming, and I live in paradise!

I wish it was in Italy, I admit, but it is what it is.

Happy Memorial Day to my American friends. Remember what this day is all about - far more than a day for Barbeque and Beer.

I'm not sure how much I'll post here, but I will try to keep it up at least occasionally.

Padrone, thank you for the patience, support, encouragement, and understanding you've shown to your schiava. I adore you as much now as ever, il Padrone mio. Grazie mille, my love.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Update, Long overdue

Soooooo....time for an update, a quickie I am afraid but at least an update.

I have moved, and have a new job, both of which have been exceedingly difficult changes this year. I am not working in the district I wanted to work, but I am  not far away and am close enough to be able to have a day (or evening, if I so choose) at the beach now and then. This district is actually pretty good itself, so I am not complaining in the least.

Padrone and I had communication issues for a while, because my ipad was stolen and I had gotten rid of my laptop and all I have now is my phone for communication and that makes emailing difficult. Voxer is a great invention, though! And soon I'll have a new laptop too, so that will be so much easier.

I'm looking to move again into something permanent within the next 2-3 months, so more changes but these are good ones.

And that's all I have to say at the moment, other than that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have my Padrone. Thank you for loving me enough to weather this storm with me, Padrone. I adore you and am indeed grateful to be yours.


Sunday, May 25, 2014

So I have been out of pocket for months. Life has hit harder than ever before, and I'm currently dealing with things as best I can. 

<br><br>I am not sure who I am anymore. I miss contentment.

<br><br>

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Off to a Great Start!



So my year began quietly, sleeping early and sleeping in on New Years Day, which was very nice indeed! I thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas break, as usual. It was nice and slow - I didn't plan a lot of activities or busy-ness, and I was able to spend time with Padrone and alone, and it was just what I needed.

I've really come a long way since Thanksgiving, actually. I've grown a LOT in terms of true, mental, demon-exorcism and discovering who I am without the fears that have plagued me for almost my entire life. It was as if I needed to see that what I was experiencing was PTSD, and that giving the label to the "demons" ... well, that has helped me to learn to live with it rather than just being afraid of triggers and what they would reveal.

There is still an element of that, of course, because there are still things that are quite well hidden and haven't seen the light of exposure for 40-45 years. But it's fine - I've discovered that when I do have a flashback, or an innocent remark triggers a "freak out" that it doesn't define who I am. I never realized that is what I was doing until recently, but when that particular switch flipped....it is like I have become a different person.

I'm not afraid to admit my strength anymore. I'm not afraid to go farther, higher. I'm not afraid to plan for the future and expect that my plans will succeed. I'm not afraid of that success, nor am I afraid of the effects of success on my life or my relationship or my psyche. And you know what else I have discovered? I've discovered that since I am coming to Padrone from a place of strength now, that my submission is intrinsically motivated far more than before.

And I have learned what it means TO ME to have no limits - to be a "no limits" slave. To me, it doesn't mean anything at all about physical, BDSM types of limits. To me, it means that there is no limit to my submission, to my surrender, to my need to serve and to please and to obey. To me....only to me....it has nothing to do with what I will or will not do in terms of BDSM.

And what is so exciting is that this is just the beginning of my exploration of life from the perspective of confident, less fearful, woman and slave. I saw the effect of it on recent job interviews. I almost did not recognize myself, but I was relaxed and had a lot of fun - both the interviewers and I laughed and connected, and by the time the interviews were over I knew that I had made a very good impression. I absolutely love this feeling and have tested to make sure it isn't a fleeting, emotion-based thing. But I am calm inside - mentally calm, emotionally calm. There has been an indescribable change within me, and it is one with which I am absolutely and incredibly happy.

Padrone, I am not sure I have ever been able to really describe to you what has been happening to me internally over the past few weeks, but it has been very hard to explain. Even this did not really do so, but it is the best I can do. I know you have seen a change in me, and it has been good. And while I have fallen lax on some of my tasks, I am a far better slave overall than I have ever been, because I am a far better woman, and a far stronger woman, than ever before. And this strong, good, happy woman is abjectly grateful to be your slave, Padrone, and is renewing her commitment to giving you the obedience which you so deserve. She could never ask for a more perfect Master for her, and she cannot express her adoration and her devotion to you enough. I am yours, simply and wonderfully yours.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Tomorrow


Kidney stones, kidney infection, Lortab on top of Demerol, Mt. Papers-to-be-graded-and-reported-before-progress-reports, recalcitrant Juniors, disrespectful Seniors, 13 year olds ...well, enough said about them ... and a yearbook staff that just *had* to make Ms. Teacher-me become Bitchlady.

It's been an interesting week.

Tomorrow starts my 9 day holiday week though, and it's actually going to be a very easy day tomorrow because very few students will be there. So I'll get the rest of my semester (3 weeks left, yay!) planned, things copied and organized as much as possible, and just hang in there for the rest of the day. It will likely be a long, boring day though. :)

Not much else to say about work, and I've been recuperating from kidney stones/infection and haven't talked much with Padrone this week. I've missed him.

Padrone, I am so glad that I will have a week off! I am *more* than ready for it, you know. I am *more* than ready to spend more time with you. I am eager to simply smile and open and melt into and with you, relaxing with you and into us once again, shaking off the busy-ness of the externals. I need it, Padrone, as I know you do as well. Tomorrow, il Padrone mio. Tomorrow.

Friday, November 08, 2013

Life's Upsets



Oh, hello. Sorry it's been so long since I've been around to type here, but it has seriously been insane at this place where I live, AND the place where I work.

Both parents have been sick, with some serious issues, in the past two months. My dad is still apparently having heart issues, though he recently had another stent put in. That, and work, and family....yes, I plan to vent here about the family issues because some things just hurt. They are just plain WRONG. And this time it isn't me that is doing it.

Work ... well, apparently Homecoming week at my new school is also known as "do absolutely no work" week, but nobody gave me the memo until AFTER I tried to teach actual classes - lol. Finally I, too, gave up. Then there was the pageant for which I was a sponsor (I'm STILL laughing about that one, but I'm yearbook adviser and apparently yearbook was one of the sponsors, we're making money off of it), but which ate 2 days of school and almost an entire weekend. And today, which of course is a work day, the Board decided to make a half day of school (decided last week, bless them) because the football team made the State playoffs and have to drive literally across the entire state for a game tonight. Since our school is SO small, the only way many of the students and teachers could go would have been to leave early, so to encourage attendance they shortened the work day. Since my drive is so long, the headmaster said "Stay home. Get a sub." So I did. :D

Since we're also off on Monday, I have a 4 day weekend! It was, in all honesty, much needed.

So today I've been browsing blogs and thinking, which is kind of what I do.

And I am more in love with Padrone than ever. Just throwing that out there, in case anyone wondered. :D

But today I need to focus on family issues and the sheer...audacity...of some people. First, the facts.

Ten years ago or longer, I "came out" to my family about the sexual abuse I had suffered, or at least parts of it. I knew it would not go over well, and I ended up being completely shunned except by two people. Ironically enough one was the wife of one of the abusers. The other was a cousin who had experienced the same things I had with one of the abusers.

One aunt told me that she had power of attorney for my Grandmother, and when she was in the hospital dying (or so everyone thought - Granny lasted a few more weeks!), aunt refused to allow me to visit her. She also told me that she KNEW I was lying about the abuse, because she KNEW how abused victims acted and I didn't act that way. She *also* asked me what made me so "special", that several men would abuse me?

Fast forward a few years to my parents' 50th anniversary reception in 2011. NONE of my aunts, uncles, or cousins except the one who was also abused and her mom (an in-law to my mom and her sisters, and the rebel of the bunch) even spoke to me. Even the one taking pics didn't speak to me, which I found quite amusing actually. Also, when I talked with my mom about the preparations for the reception, I was informed that her sisters were doing it and they had it under control. All I was allowed to do was to pay for the cake and show up, and if I hadn't shown up I doubt there would have been any comments made. I had mono when the reception happened, and I didn't get close enough to spread it to any of them, unfortunately.

So I haven't gone to Christmas dinner with the extended family in years. After mom was in the hospital, and came close to dying herself, apparently the family got together and discussed among themselves that particular fact. Well, I got a phone call from the only cousin who still speaks with me. She informed me that some of the others were wondering if I'd go back to Christmas dinner if she asked me, since they know we still talk. She THEN said that my mom was upset that I hadn't been going. THAT pissed me off no end, and even though all this happened a couple of weeks ago, I am STILL furious about it.

My mom and I have gotten a lot closer over the past few years. We've chosen to ignore things, to keep our mouths shut over things, and we've started getting along a LOT better. If she had been upset about the dinner, she would have mentioned it a long time ago. But these know-it-alls decided, apparently, that my mom wouldn't last another year on this earth, and they thought they'd try to manipulate the situation so that she had "one last Christmas dinner with the whole family around her". Yeah.

I ended up calling my mom, of course, and we had a discussion about it. I'm glad we did because she informed me that she had gotten a call too, from the aunt who had been so ugly to me (see above), saying that she didn't know WHY she was the one accused of making me feel unwelcome, she hadn't done ANYTHING to me, and as far as she was concerned I am welcome to come any time I want! So yes, I did tell my mom that aunt was lying through her teeth and proceeded to tell her why in detail. Mom told me that she knows this is my decision, it's my life, and she didn't try to guilt me into doing anything like she usually does. That is a very telling thing about the status of our relationship, obviously. I know she'd like for me to go for her own reasons, but she also understands that I have my own reasons for not going. I *have* considered showing up just to put them on the spot. If I did, I wouldn't be able to resist hugging each and every one of them and saying how GLAD I was that they were willing to put up with me for a couple of hours once a year for my mom's sake!

Or worse.

So the potential loss of my mom made me think long and hard about other losses in my life, and those were mostly the men who had abused me. Most of those men are dead now. But those thoughts triggered some major "demon wrestling" which took away yet another weekend's peace. So the days off could not have happened at a better time for this chick, for sure.

And Padrone and I have had some wonderful talks, confusing then clarifying and we are closer and more at peace than we have ever been. It is nice, plain and simple. I love him more today than ever, and I know he feels the same way about me. There is no greater comfort to this slave than confidence and security in her relationship. Padrone, I thank you for always, always giving me the reassurance or clarification I need to stay confident and secure. I adore you, as always, my love. Bacio.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Life and Death



Life hit HARD all of a sudden there, and finally has eased off a bit.

My mother was in the hospital for 9 days or so, and almost died actually. It was a very, very nerve wracking time until about Wednesday when she turned the corner and improved dramatically, very quickly! She finally went home yesterday.

So what I did last weekend was stay in the hospital almost the entire weekend exclusively. I was able to leave for a couple of hours when my dad got there, but was offered no other help at all, even from brother and his family. Mom was surprised, I think, and honestly I was too....but not by my own actions.

Needless to say, communication with Padrone has been both sporadic and vanilla for the most part. But I'm of the opinion that much of life *is* vanilla unless one serves a micromanaging Master, which Padrone has not yet been. Frankly, he trusts my ability to live my life as needed, in general, but is absolutely willing and able to step in with advice, guidance, or instruction when he chooses to do so.

I do know that a lot of the perception of a long distance M/s relationship is that it exists solely on the computer and when the machine is turned off, so too is the relationship. That could not be farther from the truth for us, but I'm not going to go into all of that right now. I'm just going to say that Padrone and his expectations are first and foremost in my mind, and so I have been doing his number one expectation - taking care of myself - even though it means less time spent with him.

Twelve hour days, after the weekend I had last weekend and ending with a 19 hour day yesterday, means that what I have done is go to work, come home, get clothes ready for the next day, and fall into bed. And after a funeral today, and grading 100,000 papers or so that I got behind on over the past couple of weeks, I plan to crash again. Actually, I may crash instead of grading papers, then grade while the ball game is on tonight. We'll see....

The funeral is for the ex's aunt, who has lived less than half a mile from me for 25 years or so. Her daughter in law is my best friend. Her granddaughter would come hang out in my classroom last year. Her son taught my son to play Sonic the Hedgehog on the old Sega game console. I've known this family forever.

So it's really sad to know that her life on earth is over - not for her because both her faith and mine include heaven - but for the influence she has had on those around her for 80+ years.

It could so easily have been my mother's funeral this weekend, literally.

So I have been thinking of the power of the human life force a lot today. It could be so easy to say that we are only a heartbeat away from death, but have you ever really thought of just how difficult it can be to stop a heart from beating? If one wishes to kill another person, there are ways that might seem easy of course - gun, knife, blow to the head, medicine or poison, who knows? I've never really thought about it (except the blow to the head with the ex, and then not to kill but rather to vent my own frustrations! And preferably with an iron skillet since I don't use a rolling pin often), but I guess there might be a myriad of variations on a limited number of actual ways to stop another person's heart. Smothering. Who could DO that to someone???? Etc....

But after watching my mother literally struggle to breathe all weekend, and knowing how ill Aunt was for a time before her own death, it really hit me that the life force within a human being is very, very strong. And you know what? I woke up thinking of death, of the sadness of loss and how close I came to experiencing even more loss this week. But what has happened is that I have a renewed appreciation of life itself, even though I am going to a funeral today. Aunt LIVED while she was alive, and lived for a long time. I can finally view a ceremony such as a funeral as more than a ritualistic closure on a life, but rather a celebration of such and an expression of void in our own lives left by the one who has passed away.

I messaged Padrone this morning and said that I was going to try to type here, because I haven't in a LONG time and I miss it, but that my post may be a bit morbid. I am grateful, glad, that it has turned out to be not so morbid after all.

Padrone, thank you for hanging in there with me, patiently and lovingly, while I have worried about my mother and struggled with my own issues. Thank you for understanding that, even though she and I have always had a strained relationship, I only have one mother and when she is gone I will be a bit lost. Without you, however, I would be far more lost, in a totally different way. I am deeply, forever, grateful for all you mean to me, and all you give to me. One day, one day, I will be able to give as much in return, my love. One day.

Sono la Sua schiava, Padrone. Ti amerĂ³ per sempre.