Sunday, March 25, 2012
I have been making the rounds of the blog world today, and I have a ton of thoughts running through my head. So many of us are going through different, difficult things. We all seem to be struggling in one area of our lives or another. I guess we always do, and maybe we're just now getting confident enough in our vulnerability to share some of our struggles publicly. Who knows?
But maybe that confidence is a false confidence, built solely upon approval and crumbling with criticism. It's so hard to do what we do. There are no roadmaps, no matter how many words are typed or spoken or presented. There is no how-to guide, no "slavery for dummies" books, no D/s dictionary. And we forget, so often, the simple truth that what we have is a relationship.
Picture every other relationship in your life, in your history. There were probably unspoken guidelines about how to make each other happy, even in relationships that didn't last. I'm talking friendships, family, as well as romantic relationships. I know that, with my family, certain things aren't discussed. As hard as that can be for me, it is best for the health of the family. Friendships are very difficult for me because of the vulnerability required. I can't seem to...move beyond a level of intimacy with a friend that becoming a "good friend" requires. But I have in the past, several times. I guess part of it is the "once burned, twice shy" mentality - of course it is.
My point is that simply because we add D/s elements to a relationship, with specific rules and consequences as a part of it, does that mean that what we know and have experienced about relationships as a whole is thrown out the window entirely?
Specifically, as submissives, do we TRULY just ignore our own needs and focus on our Dominant's needs solely? Do we TRULY pretend that our every need as a human is met when we meet the needs of our partner? Does admitting that we need something more, or different, or even less constant focus on another person make us that terrible terrible thing....a "bad submissive"?
Personally, I am the most blessed submissive I know. I have a partner, a Master, a Padrone, who understands that no matter how strong the D/s, that if that is all there is to a relationship it is destined to fail. He loves me as the person I am, and his first expectation of me is that I take care of myself. He can't live in my head, or in my heart, and no matter how open I am with him, he cannot know everything I am thinking or feeling. So he can't always predict when I will have needs on a personal level that exist simply because I am a woman. But Padrone is quite perceptive and extremely understanding and flexible in general. He wants what he wants, but he also has said from the moment we met - a happy slave serves better. He has finally reached the point that he and I are WAY beyond that mentality. He admits that now he just loves to make me happy just because he loves for me to be happy. Blessed, right?
But isn't that how every relationship in our lives is? Isn't the reason we are in a relationship is because we can make another person happy? And trust that someone else wants to make us happy in return?
So if that is a reasonable assumption, then I would think that many of the relationship "rules" for other types of relationships would also apply to D/s relationships. For instance, needing distance now and then. For instance, needing a break from a routine. For instance, worrying when our loved one does something dangerous or new or beyond their comfort zone. And so many, many more.
I know that Padrone worries about me because I have such a long drive to and from work, and I have had unreliable transportation since I started to teach. But I also know that the worry is not because he feels that I am incapable of getting myself to and from work but rather due to so many things that are out of his control - and mine as well for that matter. But does he worry simply because he is Dominant and I am submissive and there are things that he cannot control? Or does he worry because he loves me and when I drive for so long there is a greater chance for an accident or a breakdown to happen (as he would worry even if we had no D/s element in our relationship)? Or maybe a combination of both? I do not believe it is solely the first option, and because I don't believe that, I see that it falls into one of those "rules" that apply to every type of relationship.
I guess what my meandering words are trying to say is that we often make this type of relationship so complicated, so complex. We get so caught up in the D/s aspects that we can, at times, forget about the people we are and the needs we have that are so common to everyone in any sort of relationship. We tend to forget that we type it backwards when we say D/s relationship - it is a relationship first, with D/s as a means of expressing our personalities and meeting each other's needs within the relationship.
Padrone, I am eternally grateful that these things seem to be instinctive for you. Since you understand *so* much, I am incredibly lucky to belong to you. I love that our relationship has moved into a less-stressful type of relationship than it was early on. I do realize that things have happened, usually on my end, that have created stress for us but the relationship itself has almost always been solid and stable. Our D/s dynamic has evolved into what it is now, and I know it will evolve even more in the future. Most of that is because of you, il Padrone mio, and the way you have altered things when needed and simply recreated things when needed as well. I love where we are now, Padrone. Almost as much as I love you! I am, indeed, a very blessed woman.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Submission is not an emotion.
It is a choice.
To submit, we must make a choice to honor another person's authority over us and give him the right to require certain things of us. Believe it or not, the only things another person can require of us are in relation to whatever behaviors they wish to control.
Another person cannot control our emotions.
Obedience is the expression of the choice we make to submit. If we do not feel the way we wish to feel through the obedience to another person's requirements, then it would probably be a good time for some heart to heart conversations. However, all we can do at that point, if we have chosen to submit, is to wait and trust that the one we love, trust, and respect enough to have chosen to submit to...loves, trusts, and respects us just as much.
Sometimes we want a "magic fix" when we aren't feeling the emotions we want to feel. Sometimes, in my vanilla relationships, I don't always "feel" strong emotions. Sometimes with Padrone I don't feel like doing what he wants me to do (like when he has me sit with my ass filled with a 6 inch cock shaped dildo while we talk online. Does that lack of "feeling" mean that something is wrong with the relationship, the way we "do" things, or even me? Of course not!
The key is to do it anyway. And after all the time we have been together, I do it without thought or questions. And he knows that if I were to express something that would be of concern regarding what he orders me to do, that there is a circumstance that he should know about before I obey.
I don't always feel submissive, but I do try to obey. The obedience is the means through which the choice I made long ago to submit to this man is expressed most powerfully. As Padrone taught me a *long* time ago....emotions are internal, but behaviors are for public consumption. No he didn't say it that way, but that is how I internalized it.
What that means is simply what I said in the beginning. Nobody can control how I feel...and I will go further and say that I know of noone who would like that kind of responsibility, even if they had the ability. But how I behave, on the other hand, is Padrone's to control. Why? Because I chose, a long time ago, to grant him the authority to control those behaviors he chooses to control. And honestly, controlling my behavior is a huge responsibility in and of itself!
You know...there *are* rules in place that are designed to create situations to allow me to feel the emotions created by submission. But as I have mentioned before, somewhere in this blog, even when I am in slave position before going to sleep at night, I am sometimes planning my next day's wardrobe or thinking of football (or whatever vanilla thing may cross my mind). The same goes for wearing my slave number on my body all the time. I don't always *feel* submissive when I write it on myself...sometimes all I think is "dad-gummit, I am in a HURRY this morning!"
He provides me the opportunity to focus on my life as his slave, or on the emotions I feel from having made the choice to submit to him. But he cannot force me to think of those things, or to feel emotions he chooses for me to feel. He cannot even force me to obey; I obey because of the choice made long ago to submit to him.
The emotions come from my own needs being met. I make Padrone happy, truly happy. I fulfill his life in ways I can only imagine, just as he does mine. I have an intense, burning need to bring him pleasure - physically yes, but emotionally above all things. I do that...I make a choice to do things that will please him. I choose to behave in ways he finds pleasing. I choose to (try to) not do things that displease him. All of these things are behaviors, however. The emotions come from having my own needs met, whatever they may be. And when the attitude of making the other happy is reciprocated, then the emotions do nothing but deepen and grow and make me melt in a nice mushy puddle at Padrone's feet.
Relationships change, they grow, they mutate and evolve. It happens. Life is not static, circumstances are far from unchanging. We as humans grow and change as we mature (thank God. Seriously. I *do* teach Junior High here). Our relationship needs also grow and change as the relationship matures. So do our partner's. That is why I say that I try to think of new ways to please Padrone....I know that what pleased him last year may not be what he wants today.
Padrone, we have talked about this so much that I know you are likely bored reading this blog post! But I would like to say to you .... thank you for whatever it is that you did in my life (we may forever disagree on the extent of your influence in all the changes) that helped me to become the person I am today. I do know, although it just this moment hit me like a ton of bricks, slow woman I can be at times, that what you find most pleasure in is in me, the woman, not in any particular thing I could do. Me as a person, rather than any behavior, and I adore you for that simple reason most of all. I am going to let the tears flow now, my love, my wonderful, wonderful man.
Friday, March 16, 2012
I've been doing a lot of reading of blogs while I have been off this week, and a lot of resultant thinking as well. And the idea that I am extremely lucky and blessed has been reinforced exponentially.
Tonight I went out to eat, alone. I missed having Padrone's company so much I could taste the desire for his physical presence. I watched older couples enjoy each other's company, and I dreamed of holding his hand and leaning to kiss him. I wondered what he would think of fried catfish, a southern staple. And I went to the RedBox and rented a movie, went to Wal Mart and bought some Ben & Jerry's, and came home. It was my idea to go somewhere alone tonight; I voluntarily gave up time with Padrone even though I knew I would miss him. I needed a break from routine (and Padrone was alright with it, even though I did feel guilty about it).
But what happened, as I missed the man I have never met face to face with every fiber of my being, was that I realized just exactly how blessed I am to have found him in any way. I am so loved, and I never doubt it. See, even though I missed the physical contact with him, it never once crossed my mind that we wouldn't be holding hands or leaning to kiss one another. It was never even a .... not even a trace of a thought that we would be anything but the loving, loved couple that we are. Oh, I'm sure we might do things a bit differently than others do, although I truly don't know for sure. Padrone may decide to be all Domly and have certain rituals or expectations of my behavior when we eat, I have no idea. But none of that matters. Did y'all hear that? None of that matters.
See, there has been a lot of discussion about roles again in blogland lately. How one should feel, what happens when one doesn't feel the way they "should" feel or would like to feel. What types of submission indicate that one is a slave vs. a submissive? So much discussion, so many words, so much anguish over .... well, over something that may be important to others, but thank God they are not at all important in our relationship.
See, what we are to one another is simply what we are. I call him Padrone, which is Master/Owner in Italian. He calls me schiava (among other things, some so naughty that I can't say here), which is slave in Italian. But y'all know what? It would not matter if we used names or if we used random words to call each other. None of that negates the fact that who we are to each other is defined *not* by words, but by our personalities, our needs, our desire for each others' happiness to a very, very deep level.
I have talked about this before, and I'm sure I will again eventually. But just as tonight's missing him reminded me so strongly of how much I love and need him, so does the reminder that we make each other so happy simply by acting in the ways that come naturally to each of us.
That is *not* to say that he doesn't ask me to do things I don't want to do, by any means. He needs for me to show my adoration in extreme ways, which is really neat because I need to show it in extreme ways as well. Not every time of course, but often enough that we can reach that level of intimacy that is so totally beyond coherent words that my quiet sobs are the only sounds needed to express the emotions flowing almost tangibly between us. Dominant and submissive are merely words to describe our personalities. The labels free us to find a particular social network within which we aren't seen as "freaks". But for us... well, I would say that we have moved far beyond the need for labels and fitting into the expectations of what those labels seem to place on us.
Padrone, to know that you love me for the totality of who I am, not merely how I act within a set of rules defined more by a label than by my personality, is amazing beyond words. What we have is ... well, it seems quite unusual because we are simply natural. We have grown into the relationship I have always yearned for, my entire life. And to have found it across an ocean, and to have kept it alive, growing, and strong for 6.5 years....proves to me that we do indeed belong to each other.... forever. I adore you, il Padrone mio. Thank you for opening your mind, your life, your heart to this woman who needs you with everything she is. Thank you for giving yourself to me...for asking nothing in return that you do not give yourself. I am so very blessed to be your woman. So very, very blessed.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Saturday, March 03, 2012
Guess I might as well join into the Q&A month, so please feel free to ask questions! I don't get much traffic on my blog, so don't expect a lot of questions, but I would love to get some!
I'm kind of in the middle of the busy busy season with both work and school. First off, I am finally feeling better. I was pretty darn sick there for a little while though. I'm being very careful - lots of hand washing and antibacterial gel being used, lots and LOTS of water being drunk, vitamin C being taken, and Lysol being sprayed everywhere. And as Padrone reminded me when I was complaining about going to the bathroom constantly - pissing is good for me! *laughing*
I have one more class in my half-semester class, with a small assignment due tomorrow night at midnight, and a big one due *next* Sunday night at midnight. Oh yes, another small one then too, go figure. My other course is a lot more difficult to get a grasp of how well I am doing, mainly because there are only 4 assessments in the entire course, and we have the first one due in a couple of weeks. So I'll be doing them all in the last half of the semester which is usually a pain in the butt. But in this instance I am glad since my first half of the semester has been so strange.
Work is good, crazy but good. I really do love my students and enjoy the other teachers as well. There is some tension because a couple of the regular ed teachers don't seem to understand that our "SPED B.S." is mandated by the federal government and there is nothing we can do about it other than to take time out of the inclusion classes to do the paperwork required. Our job as inclusion teachers is to coteach, which means that just as they can tell me "I need to grade papers, can you (insert lesson here)?" that there will also be times when I have to say "look, I *have* to get this Alternate Assessment stuff done, I'll be out of the class until I get it uploaded". It happens. And you know....there's a *reason* they don't want to teach Sped, and when they think of it that way they're fine. As I told Padrone, I'm not upset about that attitude, as I know they're just blowing off steam for the most part, but it is aggravating to hear it every time they get behind on their paperwork - lol.
I will have a CRAZY busy time until Easter, with work and school both. I'm procrastinating today though, which won't get many "I'm proud of you's" from Padrone, I'm sure - lol. It has to happen now and then, or I would go insane.
I did have a bit of a meltdown earlier this week, I admit. I'm really pulled in a lot of directions right now with Padrone, kids, work, school, and checking on why it is taking so long for my license to come through. AND because I have been trying to figure out what to do about a car. I can buy a new one, a used one from a dealer, get one sitting in my yard fixed (replace the engine), or buy one off craigslist. I've really been torn about what to do, nothing felt right. I don't want a payment just yet, nor do I want the increase in insurance rates that will come with getting full coverage on a financed car. So, believe it or not, after weeks and weeks of stressing about it, I had a meltdown. I was a bit better after then but nothing had been decided yet. So yesterday my ex called with a solution (for once) that may work. He found out about a car that has relatively few miles on it, is in decent shape cosmetically, in good shape mechanically, and which I can pay cash for - less than I had planned actually. So I am going to go look at it....I guess on Monday....and buy it if I can. I think I'll like it if it is the car my ex represented it as being! I have seen it but I haven't yet driven it or anything, so I'm not counting on anything just yet, but I am hopeful.
And, poor Padrone....I was so incredibly needy the other day, after taking antibiotics to get rid of the kidney infection so I felt a lot better. It was all day long, which has become unusual for me in recent years. And I was so, so needy for harsh degradation..it was so difficult to manage at work, believe me! And Padrone was so good...he responded to my need and I know it sparked his own need as well. When I got home and online later, there was use, just as I had yearned for. So I was going to serve Padrone with a bj afterwards, but just that moment my daughter called and was sick at work and needed to come home. That's unusual for her. Extremely unusual. And Padrone knows it, so he let me go with little more than a wry smile and a "poor daughter".
It's difficult for us to have time right now. I keep thinking it will get better, but it doesn't ever seem to. :( Eventually it will *have* to though, even if I have to move out and let the kids keep this house for themselves!
Padrone, I will be so glad when I have more mobility! I know you will too. I miss you so much lately - it seems as if we have little time together, and what we do have is rushed or cut short or something. Spring Break will be so nice, my Padrone, so nice. I adore you, and I am so incredibly, amazingly, wonderfully loved by you that it makes it so easy to reciprocate those powerful emotions. I am totally and irrevocably yours. Forever.