Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A surprising thing happened on the way to....punishment?

I know it has been a while since I have typed here, and that is mainly because I have discovered a few things about myself that have taken a little bit of time to process.

First, though, I am going to update on my "life". As I think I mentioned earlier, I did finally get a job teaching Special Ed in a small school district around 50 minutes' drive from here. I start next week with professional development days ("teacher days" we used to call them), and the students' first day of school is two weeks from yesterday. I'm excited, eager, and extremely nervous. I've never done this before, and since I don't yet know even what I will be teaching, it's kind of hard to prepare for it. I don't know what curriculum they use, what types of supplies or extras are provided, or anything. So I am going to the school today to take paperwork, and to check things out more as well.

My daughter is doing well, but is not well yet of course. Her back is hurting, but I don't know if it is the fractured vertebrae still giving her pain or if it is muscular. I wonder if there is still supposed to be spasms, 5 weeks post-accident. But I also understand that her lack of activity will contribute to pain when she does things. She goes back to the doctor on Thursday. So this week is filled with uncertainty, both good and bad.

And on the relationship front, something interesting happened this week, something that I never expected but which I feel very good about happening. And I think Padrone does too.

Regular readers of this blog will know that recently Padrone eliminated the punishment element of our relationship. It has been good in terms of my stress level, but something was missing. When my daughter's accident and injury was so new, everything was pretty much lifted - I was just expected (and it wasn't even a formal expectation but Padrone was worried and I knew he would like updates) to keep him posted as best I could. I missed texts of course, and emails while she was in the hospital. I honestly don't know how many other emails I missed, but I know that I missed a lot of texts. Frankly, I was too busy and exhausted and worried and focused on medication schedule and monitoring pain levels and how she moved and figuring out what food she could eat while flat on her back and....well, you get the idea. I hated it, I knew that all I needed to do was to let him know I needed him and he would be there for me, but I also knew that all I would do is cry and whine and complain if i did. I was totally overwhelmed, and it was (of course) a totally unexpected thing.

Thinking of texting every hour was simply impossible. As you might imagine, however, Padrone knew that even better than I did. So, even if punishment had still been a part of our dynamic, this is one example of when there would have been no punishment for my lack of obedience, because of the extreme nature of the circumstances.

But as with all things which we are unaccountable for, it was more difficult for me to get back into the routine once things began to settle down. Things were still kind of "topsy-turvy" when Padrone mentioned to me that I should resume my hourly texting, but I felt so bad for having unintentionally kept him more uninformed than he deserved, and for withdrawing into my world where I live, that it was something I was glad that he reined me in regarding. I would have done it even if I hadn't been glad, of course, but it was good, to me, that I did feel relief to be held accountable again. I needed, so much, that control that even the simple act of texting because he wants me to text gives me.

And so, that is where we stood when I missed an email. Since there is no punishment now, there was a void. I did  feel badly about it, as usual, but something surprising happened....

I offered to do the things that he had once set in place for punishment.

In all honesty, it surprised me as much as I think it did Padrone!

But it felt good. Not because I was punished, but because there were consequences for my inaction, and yet they were freely offered. I think Padrone truly enjoyed that, knowing that I understood my place as his slave was to meet his expectations, and accepting consequences for not doing so....but he also very much enjoys when acts of submission are offered. And it feels so good to offer, too, rather than having everything imposed. I am not one of those women who feel submissive only when forced to obey.

I love to submit. I love to obey. I love pleasing Padrone. And a big part of that is when I screw up, even in small ways, to offer consequences for screwing up. You know, as I told him, I can't promise to write 50 lines for every missed text, especially after I start working and there is not only an 8 hour day, but an hour's drive each way, to add to my day. But maybe I can think of something to offer him, that will be meaningful but not so time consuming. Missing a text is a small infraction, and the consequences should not eat 40 minutes of my day, or I don't think so anyway. And unless Padrone insists on that particular consequence be what I offer, which somehow I don't think he will, then I will try to think of something that will be effective, will show Padrone my remorse, will be unpleasant enough to be corrective in nature, and won't take a huge chunk out of my time.

I was really, really surprised at the feelings of relief and submission I felt from offering consequences freely as I did the other day. I think, and I hope deeply, that Padrone was pleased about the offering. I think he appreciates the fact that I want to show my remorse for screwing up. And you know, I think that was part of the problem for me when punishment was automatically imposed for screwups like missing an email. Yes, it may have been what Padrone considered simple consequences rather than true punishment, but the very fact that it was imposed upon me meant that I had no way to express the remorse I felt for screwing up. Yes, a small infraction, and no, I don't suffer from the major perfectionist tendencies I used to (I am accepting the human-ness of my slavery much better now). But even though I understand that I won't always do what I'm supposed to do, because I am human and will screw up, I do feel sorry when I do. And now, even though I am doing the same things as consequences for the same infraction, the emotions involved are totally different....it is now an expression of apology, remorse, and submission rather than a rote fulfilling of duty.

That is one reason it seemed as if I was taking everything far more seriously than I should - I would still apologize, often many times, for missing an email. Padrone didn't understand it, and I didn't either frankly, but now I see that a lot of the reason was because saying I am sorry was that expression of remorse that *I* as a slave need when I mess up. So I was doing that *and* punishment, and even though I couldn't express these thoughts, it often felt like overkill.

But now....

Now I can offer. Now it is a freely offered expression of remorse, rather than an unemotional, required, reaction to my screwups. Now it is a result of my heart opening and searching for a way to express itself. Now, it is a way for me to show my submission in the way that Padrone loves - offered freely, just as the "good" things are. And it was so fulfilling, so freeing, and very, very surprising to me that it was those things.

Padrone, I hope you were as pleased as I thought you were about my offering. I hope my words here made sense to you, and I hope you understand a bit more about what I am just now learning about myself as well. I love you, Padrone, and I am a very, wonderfully, blessed woman to be the one you love. Thank you for being who you are, my Love. Thank you for all you do to show your love and happiness in our relationship. Just thank you, Padrone. I am yours.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A New Day, A New Life

First, thank you Padrone for the suggestion for what to write about today! I have wanted to type here for a few days but really didn't know what to write. So many things happening, but not as much on the D/s and relationship front...on the surface at least...and so I realize that what I type here only has interest for myself and Padrone in the long run. And that's perfectly alright with me.

But a lot of what I type here, Padrone and I have already discussed, and this place is more for clarifying my own thoughts, or adding details that I forget when we're talking, or things like that. I process my thoughts through typing them here, at times, and that is what I think will happen today.

See, my new job will entail many changes in my life, and in Padrone's of course. I will have to wake up and leave home at an ungodly hour in the morning, drive an hour or so to my job, and drive home the same distance. I will have a lot of time alone, which is not a bad thing at all. Being on the road for that long will be a challenge some days, and I know Padrone will worry a bit about me driving that far. The drive is the worst part of this entire job, but if I didn't think I could do it, I never would have applied for the position. After this year, my situation will be a little different in a couple of ways, and I can do anything for a year!

But it means that our routine will have to change, as will my framework. We've already talked about the fact that 5:30 am is awfully early to wake up and shove a fake cock up one's ass, so that is one bit of the framework that will shift. I am sure I will still have something to do in the mornings, even if it is to wear something while I drive. But of course what it actually is will be up to Padrone.

And you know what? I am so grateful that Padrone is the type of person he is. He takes into consideration not only his own needs and desires, but mine as well, and my circumstances and situation and job and life and personality. He knows me so well, and challenges me at times, but frankly we have moved beyond the need for me to prove my submission to him.....but that doesn't mean that things will always be easy. It simply means that Padrone chooses how he wishes for me to show my submission. That doesn't mean that he doubts it or that i must prove anything, only that the D/s is a major part of our relationship.

I guess it is the fact that I do trust him so much that enables me to....well, I don't worry about what he has in mind. Maybe I should, I don't know - lol - but not really. I know that even when he challenges me it is only out of the need for control, or that he knows i need to show my submission, in a strong and powerful way. He has no more need to prove that he can/does control me, than I do to prove my submission. We've been through too much, been together too long, for doubts of those things to be a part of our lives any longer.

And so, in 3.5 short weeks, I will be driving to my new job, in a different town. Starting a new life professionally, personally, and together with Padrone. I will finally be making a better living, financially things will begin to ease, and I will be doing what I have dreamed of doing almost my entire life. I am in a beautiful, almost fairy tale relationship with a wonderful, loving, considerate, passionate, caring man. And the frame within which I live my life will be shifting but not crumbling.

Now, if only I can find a decent car....*laughing but still serious*

Padrone, I have a ton of things to think about in terms of this new job. What is the dress code? When I get paid at the end of August will it be for a full month? I have paperwork issues with license to deal with. I have to think about packing lunch (I refuse to eat school lunches daily...they are just plain gross, even after all these years!). I have to get clothes cleaned, ironed, sorted into outfits so I won't have to think about all of those things while I am acclimating to a new job. I am sure some shopping will be involved, even if for nothing other than shoes. (I doubt sneakers will be appropriate - lol) And I have to finish all of my work for my classes this summer and get registered for classes in the fall.

But through it all, I hope that I never fail in my effort to let you know how much you mean to me. You are the reason I have this job, Padrone. You encouraged me to begin this trek, to take that first test that built my confidence when I passed the first time. You made rules forcing me to study daily, and rewarded me for doing so. You believed in me, quietly, unwaveringly. You supported me, encouraged me, and gave me very real help in my schoolwork. Your pride in me now humbles me, my Love, even as it motivates me to be the best teacher I can be, to do the best job I can do, and most importantly, to strive to make a difference in the life of a child who has special needs. If I can help them learn to believe in themselves even half as much as you have helped me to believe in myself, then I will be proud.

I have said this before, Padrone, and I will say it forever. I could never have done this without you. You have given me a blueprint for helping my students, far more than any class or book ever could have. Care for them...love them....accept them where they are....believe in them....expect them to do their best....motivate them to strive for their goals....and show them how proud of them I am when they accomplish something difficult.

Because of you, Padrone, I will be a wonderful, wonderful teacher. I love you, my darling Padrone. You truly are my Hero.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Great News!

I finally got a job! I am, pending approval of the local school board (which will happen on Monday night, and is a formality, but a necessary one), I am now a Special Education teacher in a school district almost an hour's drive from here. I am almost wiggling with excitement!

Daughter is improving, although I am concerned with sharp pains in her legs and am calling the doctor today about it. I realize that pain can be a good sign, especially with a back injury, but these are new pains and that, in my book, is something to check with the doctor regarding. So, while I am not obsessing about it, I'm aware, concerned, and calling to alleviate my concerns.

I am way behind on my schoolwork too. Anybody want to do a Literature Review for me? *teasing, mostly - lol* But my professors are THE most understanding people, other than Padrone, I have ever met in my life. So I have to type a position paper that was due on Wednesday night at midnight and turn it in this weekend, and the rest of the stuff I am almost pretty well caught up on. I was feeling a lot of pressure because my daughter's next appointment was scheduled for July 21, and since we won't know until then whether or not she'll have to have surgery, I was planning on getting all my work done before then. But the appointment was rescheduled for the 28th, so I have that extra week which will be nice.

And Padrone....

What can I say? When I sent the text to him saying daughter had been in an accident and we were heading to a larger hospital than our rural town's...from that moment onwards, he has had nothing but concern and patience for my daughter and myself, respectively. I am really tired from the demands of  her limitations even as she heals (probably more tired now since it is the interruptions of resting/relaxing that are draining now rather than the constancy of her needs), and Padrone is concerned about that as well as about daughter's situation. His famous patience is really much needed in this time, and my gratitude for his understanding is just overwhelming at times.

And what is so wonderful is something that I have been planning on blogging about for a while but got a bit sidetracked...

The D/s aspects of our relationship are far less....formal, maybe? They aren't the most obvious things about our relationship, although they are still there and going strong and extremely fulfilling. (and even Padrone's patience and understanding have been an overt show of his Dominance, because he has show in so many ways how much he loves me and cares about my well being...and he is meeting my needs by being the man he is if that makes sense...) But even though it was D/s that brought us together, and is a major part of our relationship, the more it becomes simply a natural expression of who we are and how we feel about each other, the happier we are individually and as a couple.

And yes, I can say with all confidence, that we are both happy.

Padrone, I have said before, and I will say many times in the future I am sure, that I am incredibly grateful for who you are. I cannot express how much your support has bolstered me during the past few weeks especially, but really even from the time I took a tiny little baby step into this life-altering step of becoming a teacher. I remember clearly the rule for me to spend an hour a day studying for my tests, and permission to use the comfortable chair as a reward for doing so. I remember the tears and the stress and the obsessiveness of last summer when I was totally overwhelmed because I had gotten in over my head but still somehow managed to learn to swim. I have called you so often, high with the thoughts of a positive interview, and bummed out and discouraged from being overlooked for a job yet again. I remember even Wednesday of this week, after the interview, calling and feeling very positive about the job but almost scared to hope. I remember your steady outlook, the positive way you see things, and the way just talking with you helped steady my emotions so I could once again focus on what I needed to do.

I can say with all honesty that I would never have even attempted what I have done if it weren't for you, Padrone. You believe in me, and that has taught me to believe in myself. That, my love, is what has made my life so much better...and it is all due to you. I will never be able to express what it means to me to be the woman you have chosen, the woman you love, the woman you own. I love you with all that I am, and all I will ever be. I am yours.