Wednesday, September 30, 2009

On being a Ferrari

Padrone uses a wonderful analogy at times when He talks of owning me. He compares it to owning a Ferrari, and while of course the "property" analogy is quite obvious, He also uses that analogy to describe His own attitudes regarding owning me, His philosophies and sometimes even His motivations.

It's really cool, being compared with a Ferrari!

But what interests me most is His interpretation of owning me, aka FerrariGirl (sorry, couldn't help myself).

So often we, as slaves, are called property. Many people tend to assume that means we're reduced to mindless, emotionless, need-less *things*. Some would prefer that we not have an original thought in our mind, much less one that differed from their own thoughts. Some would prefer that we were like old-fashioned kids - seen and not heard. Some want robots. But most want it both ways...they want us to be this way when they want it, and at other times they want us to be the intelligent, wonderful women that we are.

It doesn't usually work that way - unless the different needs are well defined and clearly laid out that is. How can it be otherwise? We can't read a mind, even though with Padrone i almost can! But if i had no experience with clear-cut desires, clearly stated, then i would never be able to *almost* read his mind now of course.

What Padrone means when he calls me his property is that i am valued, not as a piece of furniture, but rather as a man values his Ferrari, the one who is lucky enough and rich enough to own one!

Padrone sees himself as lucky to own me, and rich (not in money of course, but in life itself) enough to do so. He has so much to give, so much to offer, and he does so freely....and the mutuality of our relationship means that he gets as much, or more, in return!

Kind of like owning a Ferrari, yanno? The Ferrari is a car meant to be an extreme way. It isn't a car designed to run errands in with the kids! It can be used for that, of course (well, maybe, but at least for more mundane uses) but it is really the kind of car a man looks at and drools over - imagining NOT the Wal Mart parking lot, but rather open road, fast speeds, power, and controlling the machine! But, as a car, it has the more mundane uses that it must be used for - like we live a "vanilla" life so often and the slavery is often beneath the surface of the relationship, so the Ferrari is most often used for "regular" things, and the extreme use is more rare.

A man learns to control the Ferrari, not with the intention of taking anything away from the Ferrari, but rather to FEEL that control of so much power, and also to enable him to "show her off" to more folks! It's one thing to have a Ferrari in the driveway, and a totally different one to drive it down the highway!

But a man takes the time to learn all the controls, all the ins and outs of the car... finding the soft spots that he must be careful of, finding the things he finds consistently reliable... all the eccentricities of his particular car... and that is half the fun of it! Learning by doing....driving, shifting, accelerating, braking, turning, reversing....using the car in every way imaginable, from slow to fast to a normal driving speed....until he knows it inside out and could drive it in his sleep....such a comfortable place, one that he can truly enjoy using it, owning it without working so hard to learn *how* to own it...and a place that others look to in envy at times.

Very similar to his ownership of me, actually.

It took a long, long time for me to think of myself as property. i thought it was demeaning to be dehumanized in that way. Padrone would mention "if i bought you at an auction" or something, and i would cringe inwardly at the thought. (told y'all i valued myself some, even when i would never have admitted it.) i hated being compared with a table, or even the vase on the table. i hated feeling that i had no purpose other than being useful, or decorative, or...anything strictly passive. i also knew that i had no future in that kind of mentality, long term, because of the personality that Padrone loves and doesn't want me to lose.

But a *that's* a different story altogether! Why? Well, because that particular car is one that even *i* envy those who own one!

i mean, everyone knows a Ferrari is a valuable car. Everyone recognizes it by the very NAME - Ferrari. It is valuable because it excels in its performance, especially when used as it is supposed to be used. As a machine, it is subject to idiosyncricies as everything else mechanical is, things that make it unique and which its owner takes much time learning about, as i mentioned above. It isn't "just a car", it is a CAR, and only a few (in the realm of total car owners) are lucky enough to be rich enough and "man" enough to own one.

That is how it should be when one thinks of M/s. The slave should be valued simply by virtue that she IS a slave, but what happens nowadays most often is that the slave is relegated to being "just a slave".

Padrone has spent years learning to "drive" his Ferrari. He has learned me so well that owning me, controlling me, driving me is something He gets even more thrill from now than ever before. He loves to show off His Ferrari, His slave, His woman....and He knows that there are some who envy Him for who and what He owns. It isn't *me* that is envied, rather it is the knowledge that Padrone learned to drive His Ferrari so very well, and has taken such good care of her, that she simply shines with happiness and joy at being His.

And that is what being property means to me. i am not "just a slave", or "just property", although there are times when that perception is very much needed by us both - it is a false perception and that very knowledge is what allows us to go deeper and deeper into the realm of being demeaned with dehumanization. But i realize, now, that the demeaning mindset is simply the extreme "driving" of His Ferrari.

Padrone, thank You for patiently guiding me in the direction of understanding and accepting my place as Your property. Thank You for teaching me my value as such, BEFORE giving the perception of reducing me to "just" anything. Thank You for laying such a positive foundation upon which to build the humiliation that we both need at times.

And most especially, thank You for the care You take of Your Ferrari.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Pondering relationship and reality

i've had a lot on my mind the past few weeks, the past few days especially. My thoughts have been dwelling on where we are now, where we've come from, and how we got here. It's such a wonderful thing to think about.

But of course, those kinds of thoughts take on a life of their own when allowed to, and mine have grown to immense proportions, especially after some wonderful discussions with Padrone about some of the same things, which was really cool that they were on his mind as well, even if in a different way.

Basically, we've come to the conclusion that, while our relationship is still very much a M/s relationship, the overt expression of M/s is not as necessary as it was in the very beginning.

Shocking, i know.

But what has happened is that we have settled into our personalities within the relationship. Yep, not into "roles" or "responsibilities" or "labels", but into our personalities. We talked about this last night, and as i said for the past few days, and kind of wondered about a few things.

Like....the fact that we don't need to overtly express what we are expressing simply because we do so by living within the parameters set into place within the relationship. The control/submission is expressed daily, habitually, via the framework of rules that Padrone built and set into place. Few people would ever know they were there unless they looked very hard to find them.

So where we are right now is in a relationship, period. Probably 90% of our relationship will look "vanilla" because it IS "vanilla" in that there are no overt expressions of M/s visible. We can relate as equals and you know what? It doesn't destroy what we have.

The only way we have been able to get to this point is because we liked each other as PEOPLE from the very beginning. It isn't that we share a ton of interests, it is more that we appeal to each other intellectually, emotionally, and in general. Yes, we do relate to each other in ways that aren't strictly D/s, or not even REMOTELY D/s.

i AM his slave and i always will be. The dynamic is there, it is strong and pure and very real. He controls what he wishes to control in my life, and i know that when we are together those areas may very well change. They may not, it is up to him.

That, to me, is what being slave is all about.

i live my life, period. He can't live it for me, nor would he want to. He has his own life to live, and guess what? It would be this way even if we lived in the same house. Respecting each other as people, as a man and as a woman, as a friend, as a lover, as a mature adult....that is the first cornerstone of any successful relationship, whether D/s or not.

Just because i am slave does not mean that i become useless as a human being for anything other than my Master's whim of the moment. Just because Padrone is a Master does not mean that he becomes useless as a human being for anything other than exerting control over his slave.

As Padrone said recently, the D/s is so deeply and firmly embedded in our relationship, in how we live and who we are, that we just don't even really think about it anymore. We make no effort to .... i don't know, to specifically express D/s simply because we are a D/s couple, if that makes sense. It is there, believe me, and expressed in some very wonderful, special, meaningful ways...but never expressed to...prove something, i think is how i need to word it. We have nothing to prove to anyone about anything. We have already proven ourselves to each other, in the ways that count, and there is no need for it anymore.

It's just who we are.

When we began, of course the D/s played a major part in our relationship - it WAS our relationship for a long time, no matter how drawn we were to each other as people outside the roles we lived, it was relating to each other within those roles that was necessary in the beginning. But the most wonderful thing about successful relationships is that they grow and change and evolve as the people in them grow and change and learn to trust and....settle into who they are to each other.

And the roles are still well defined, and well portrayed in general. i am very respectful, and obedient when given an order, a demand, or a request when possible. If he says he would like to see me do something, like type more often in my blog, then i try to make that happen. But if he were to tell me "i want you to type at least 5 times per week in your blog", i would at first panic and wonder what changed!, then i would make it happen somehow. That is what i mean about being obedient to a request when possible. The point is that i am still his slave, very much so. It is simply that, as time has passed and we have grown, we have settled into a very happy, very fulfilling relationship that includes so many things that have nothing to do with D/s at all, and yet the D/s is one of the foundations for our successful and fulfilling relationship.

Maybe i should explain it another way.....

Even in the beginning, when our interaction was almost all D/s because that foundation could not be built without being tested and tried and formed into what works for us....we still had times when we simply talked about our lives, communicated about things that didn't have to do with me being ordered about, and him ordering me about. There has always been more to our relationship than D/s, although as i have said, that was the strongest aspect of it in the beginning.

As time has gone on, however, the D/s has become so ingrained in our relationship that we have really stopped thinking about it specifically. It is there, of course, and always will be. But it is the very fact that it IS there so strongly that means that we can take it for granted.

Yes, it is good, VERY good, to reach a point in a relationship where it is safe and healthy to take things for granted. That means that we not only respect each other, but we trust each other at a very deep level about things that are highly important to us.

i know Padrone is there for me when i need him, even if i can't physically touch him. i know that he is Master, he is in control of the relationship and of me - the parts of me he wishes to control. And i know that even those parts of me that he doesn't choose to control all the time, he can and will step in when i need him to, and exert even more control than usual. He has in the past, and i have no doubts that he would in the future if the need ever arises again.

Conversely, he knows that i will serve him as needed, when needed, if at all possible. He knows that pleasing him is very deeply important to me and i strive to do so always. He also knows that i am surrendered to his will - not because of any dramatic gesture or extreme show of surrender, but rather because of the small things that he controls, the large things that he takes control of when he wishes to, and my entire attitude of submission that is so prevalent.

So respect, and trust, are two pillars of our relationship. Neither happened overnight. Neither happened strictly through expressing D/s. Neither will ever stop growing.

But that isn't all. Communication, not simply talking but listening, understanding, enjoying, learning from each other....all of those things are vital to our relationship's growth and stability. He and i have said it repeatedly - we know each other very, very well. It didn't happen through talking about our lives, although that was part of it. It happened through learning about reactions, philosophies, beliefs, pet peeves, likes, dislikes, senses of humor, priorities etc, just the way one would get to know a vanilla partner.

Love is also a major part of how we feel about each other, but i would venture to say that "like" is probably equally important, if not more so, than love. i truly like Padrone. He is a wonderful man, and i absolutely enjoy spending time with him, even if all we're discussing is what is going on in our lives that day. And you know, he feels the same way about me. He said recently that one thing he loves about owning me as his slave is that he has a built-in friend too! So sweet!

But i think that, probably, the most important pillar upon which our relationship is built, is that we have given each other space to be ourselves as individuals. i am, as Padrone's slave, a reflection of his ownership and that's cool. But i am me, and being his slave is only part of who i am. He loves that about me, the multi-faceted aspect of my personality and my life as a whole. But i have had to grow up quite a bit as life has hit hard the past few years, and as i have chosen to fight demons within my own mind and become mentally and emotionally healthy and become the best woman i can be. He has given me the freedom to do this, watching the entire time, supporting as best he could (sometimes there is nothing anyone can *do* except listen and believe that it really is worth the hell it takes to move beyond). He has also encouraged me to work on my certification and change careers. He wants me to grow and expand myself in all areas of my life, not simply deepen my submission to him.

And it is the other way as well. i love that Padrone has a life outside of me. i love hearing about his website, his reading and editing, his family, his risotto, his life. i have loved watching HIM grow as a man and as a Master throughout our relationship as well. And i give him the adoration he deserves, and that he loves and needs, the security that i admire him and respect him deeply. That has given him the ability to reveal more of himself to me than he ever has to anyone, to grow by becoming a bit more vulnerable, which has led him to think about things he never has before. All a good thing, as it is growth.

We began this relationship with certain expectations regarding what we wanted and needed in a partner. Those have grown, expanded, and even changed to a degree as we have learned more about life with each other. Knowing ones self is always a good thing, but thinking that what we believe about ourselves and our needs will never change in any way, is not!

All in all, the recipe for success for US and our relationship, and i would venture to say all successful D/s relationships i have ever known, is flexibility.

Change happens. M/s becomes habitual, automatic, not something to be thought of or dwelt upon constantly. It becomes something to be taken for granted, it diminishes in a way, reverts to the background much like the foundation of a building does. You know the building is built upon a foundation, but you don't think about it every time you walk across a floor. It does the job it was put into place to do and allows the building to be used for practical and/or decorative purposes. That is very much what happens with the successful, long term, M/s relationships i have ever known.

It really does have to move beyond simply being a D/s thing, to become a successful, long term relationship. i don't care if you live with your Master or if, like us, you've never met. There has to be more, or the thing is doomed to fail.

Padrone, thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for staying committed to us through all we have been through the past years. Thank you for being able to settle into the relationship enough to....simply be who you are, no matter what that is, or what label you carry within our relationship. You will always be Padrone to me, but you are so much beyond that simple word. You are my love, and i am yours. Thank you for wanting, longing for, waiting for, what we have.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Just a few "follow up" thoughts

Just a couple of quick thoughts here.

Padrone and i were discussing my posts of yesterday, and He said something that made me think. He often does, actually - lol.

He said that topping from the bottom is not the issue of a submissive or slave at all. It's a Dominant's issue. She can't do what he doesn't allow, and, especially in the beginning of a relationship, it is natural to push, to test and see just what the Dom is "made of" assured, He will be pushing as well.

But if he allows her to dictate things in the relationship that he wants to control, that's his own fault. She is finding limits, just as he does when he tests her stated physical/emotional limits, or has her do things to test her level of submission.

And also, what one Dom considers topping from the bottom may be laughed off by another. That's a very subjective concept, contrary to what some folks would try to have us believe.

The other thing i wanted to say was i mentioned in a comment to spirited's comment on my post regarding the "gift of submission"....(say that 3 times really fast!) the Dominants who would try to convince their sub/slaves that their only worth comes from they LOOK for worthless women in the first place?

i really don't get it. That's a totally illogical leap for me. The only thing i can even remotely come up with to explain that twisted mentality is that maybe they look for those who exhibit the least "slave like" behaviors, and then tell them they're worthless and must change their personalities to become a slave, and that the only reason they have any worth as a slave is because of them.

That's really twisted, in my opinion, and absolutely demeaning to women in general, and to their slaves in particular.

If she was attractive enough to catch your eye, why do you want to change her so dramatically?

If she didn't have a pleasing personality, why did you look twice at her?

i don't get it. Women are far more than slaves, we have lives outside being slave, although we will have our Masters in our minds and hearts constantly, we do have lives outside the confines of the M/s part of our relationship. That's a fact of life, and one that obviously some people choose not to acknowledge.

That's alright, but i find it extremely immature, irresponsible, and a sign of severe inexperience for one to act that way. It is as if someone can't differentiate between fantasy and reality, or chooses not to accept that he can't live out his fantasies - "it just takes the right girl". Yeah. Um. Sure.

i think i'm done with that thought. i hope i am at least!

Padrone, thank You for always cutting right to the core of the issue, and helping me to clarify my thoughts. i always appreciate Your insights and opinions, even if i don't always express them. i love You, Padrone. i am Yours.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Topping from the Bottom, or "who's life is it anyway?"

***two posts in one day! i hope doesn't shut down now!!!***

i guess this is one of those "hot" topics, and one of those which can't ever be defined to everyone's satisfaction. i'm just gonna throw my two cents' worth in here now, simply because it's my blog and i can!

i used to question myself often, wondering if what i did or said could somehow be seen as "topping from the bottom". Every time i offered a thought without being asked, every time i did something even out of habit, every time i made a suggestion.... and of *course* i never EVER criticized....every time one of those kinds of thoughts or actions happened, i would wonder "is this topping from the bottom?"

Well, i was fortunate enough to be friends with many people who live this lifestyle real life, and from whom i learned tremendous amounts of valuable lessons before i ever ventured out into experiencing things myself. i learned, i talked, i asked questions....not of some web site, or of some self-proclaimed "expert" blogger... but of folks who lived in a D/s lifestyle 24/7. One of those couples lived, at the time, in Lake Charles, Louisiana, and while i didn't speak with either of them often, when i did i almost always gained insight that led me to observe and ask more and learn more until i realized just what i was intended to learn!

One thing we discussed was the practice of topping from the bottom. What i discovered is that those who would claim that a submissive/slave should have no independent thought whatsoever, and would use the dreaded "topping from the bottom" to manipulate her into silence, are those who have no clue what it is to live with a submissive in a D/s relationship.

There is a time for silence. (Padrone, You can close Your jaw now, no matter how shocked You are!) There is a time for a slave to not speak, to keep her opinions to herself, to not ask questions. But the best Dominants i have ever known, those with the longest and most stable relationships, value their slaves. They value their opinions, their thoughts, their circumstances, their difficulties, their needs, their desires, their pasts, their futures, their hopes, their dreams, their person. They want to know what their slaves think and feel, even if it disagrees with what they themselves think and feel. They accept that no woman will ever be a silent testament to a man's perfection, and they would never expect their slave to attempt to become that.

They respect that a slave has limits, whether emotional or physical, and that some things will always be "deal breakers" if they forced their slaves to do them. They recognize their slave's ability and need to convey such limits, and usually ask about them up front.

For some, a slave who even considers a limit, much less declares one, is topping from the bottom and is no slave at all.

For me, a slave who doesn't state her limits is a foolish woman who lives on the romantic notion that her Master is perfect and infallible and will never make her (insert limit here). It happens. This type of slave never believes it, but it happens.

Consider the woman i knew who, after stating her emotional limit of monogamy, was not only forced into bisexuality, but also shared with other men and even gang banged. She "had no choice" because she was "owned" and her "Master" didn't think a slave should have limits - a TRUE slave wants her Master's pleasure and nothing more, right? He thought she was topping from the bottom, and chose to punish her by "showing who the Master is around here".

Tell that to her after she spent 3 months insitutionalized and suicidal because she truly could not handle being in a non-monogamous relationship.

Another example is of another woman who was hospitalized from dehydration after being given too many enemas in too short a period of time, after NOT telling her Master that she had a limit of enemas. She didn't want to "top from the bottom" and state a limit, so she endured and allowed even what she knew would make her ill.

Are those women truly topping from the bottom? Or would it have been to prevent illness in the second example if she had told her Master of her enema limit?

Not in my book. Some call it self-preservation, and it is. Some call it simply being human, and it is that as well. But what it is NOT, is topping from the bottom.

Topping from the bottom involves lack of trust, as has been mentioned in another blog. If a slave wishes to take *control* of her life back from someone, then there are issues way beyond "topping from the bottom" involved. But if she does, then one of those issues is almost always a lack of trust in her Master's ability or intent to keep her from harm. Keeping her from harm includes not putting her into situations where she *may* be harmed, either emotionally or physically as happened in these two examples. And one of the best ways to prevent a slave from losing her faith in her Master is for him to show her the respect of valuing her intelligence, her creativity, her limits, her abilities, and her inabilities.

Respectfully stating an opinion is not topping from the bottom. Being sarcastic and disrespectful while stating the same opinion may be seen as topping from the bottom. It's about trust. It's about respect. It's about being respected. It's about being valued. It's not about actions as much as it is about attitudes.

That's a pretty astute statement about everything in our lifestyle, in one little nutshell, if i do say so myself.

When a slave surrenders control of her life, she is not surrendering her life itself to her Master. She's really not even surrendering control of her life, she is surrendering authority - and the Master chooses that which he wishes to control or not. The control gradually deepens, the authority extends, as the Master gets to know his slave, AND VICE VERSA. The vice versa bit is what folks in this lifestyle don't wish to acknowledge, so often.

It takes time for the power exchange to deepen. It takes time for trust to build. It takes time for a Master to understand just what makes his slave tick. It takes time to learn about trigger points and tempers and struggles and fears and all of the "mines" in a person's emotions. It takes time for the slave to understand that, even when told to do things she doesn't want to do, her Master will do only what builds her up and makes her a better person. Notice what i didn't say. i didn't say "what makes her a better slave". For the power exchange to deepen and grow, the Master first has to understand that his slave is woman first, slave second. Or even third if she has kids. (not all the time, but more often that most Masters wish - lol)

What a rambling post, and i am not sure what i really wanted to say here, except that "topping from the bottom" happens FAR less often than Masters would have slaves believe, and that most slaves are so fearful of being labeled with that terrible label, that they will go to the opposite extreme in order to avoid it.

And so, while i have my moments of ... well, not really assertiveness, although maybe even that, respectful assertiveness....that Padrone allows me to have....i don't fear being told i am "topping from the bottom" any longer. i know that my attitude is respectful even when i disagree with him, and i know that if it isn't, he will shut me down - not because i disagree, but because i am disrespectful while doing so.

Padrone, i have been thinking. No matter how we label what we have, our relationship, it is still very much a relationship between two people who have found a way to express their personalities in an open and free way. We would "be" D/s even if we didn't call our relationship D/s, and all the labels and terminology in the world won't change that. It's a wonderful thing to not get caught up in "trappings" or "expectations" or have to go by The Book on anything, to simply live as we love to live and as we were meant to live!

i am so grateful that You found something valuable enough in me to spark Your interest so long ago, and the one pinch i am grateful for in our lives is the one that drew me to You. i'm Yours. Wonderfully and irrevocably Yours.

Something new and different, yet the same old thing

Well, i have been trying to give Padrone "boring" for a couple of weeks, i promise! Life has been so stressful for the past few weeks here that it's something i am trying to do - for Him, but for me as well actually. i worry too much even when things "aren't" so stressful, but i can be a real basket case when they are!

And so i have tried to spend more time perusing blogs of folks who have a sense of what D/s is all about, rather than those who make a choice to try to shove a square peg into a round hole, and call the mess that happens D/s - etc. A harsh assessment, maybe, but for those of us with real experience....a realistic assessment.

And so i have found a few blogs of those who seem to understand a few basic things about D/s that i believe can only be learned through experience, or through actually *listening* to those who have experience.

i'm going to try to explain some things i have learned along the way, and try to do so in a clear fashion. It will probably take multiple posts, which won't be a problem for me as much as i love to type!

Padrone and i were talking recently about what i should type here, and kind of what has made our relationship so strong. There were a lot of thoughts expressed, some that it seemed were kind of i'll discuss some of those thoughts eventually

But right now i think i am going to go directely to what so many consider the "heart" of D/s - the so called "gift of submission".

There are many people who honestly believe that when a submissive woman submits to a Master, then she is giving such a gift - that submission is given. But frankly, "submit" or "to submit" describe actions, therefore are verbs, and submission is the act itself, or a state of being submitted.

Frankly, if all i give my Master is an act, or a state of mind, then i haven't given him much.

The problem with this whole "gift of submission" ideology is that the gift that is valued *is* the submission - that act of submitting, or the state of being submitted. It's more prevalent and more insidious than most imagine, frankly, especially with those among us with little or no real life experience.

It can be so easy to buy into the philosophies preached on websites, picking and choosing what we want to believe is real and true, and defying anyone who dares to disagree with us. But when one *lives* what one believes, especially something like D/s, then one's philosophies usually change unless a person is simply too arrogant to accept when one is wrong.

It is this way with the entire "gift of submission" idea. When a Dominant places more value on the act of submitting to him, than he does on what is actually submitted, then there's a huge problem. Folks, just as one doesn't say about a Dominant that he gives the "gift of Dominance" to a submissive, one also should not misidentify the gift given by the submissive woman.

The gift given by her, the one that should be more highly valued than any other gift she could ever give, is herself. The gift, if one chooses to call it a gift, is the control, the authority, and the trust that is inherent when one says "Master, i am Yours".

The act of submission merely conveys the gift to the Dominant. The real gift, the one that should be valued more highly than angels, is the woman herself.

Now, i ask she, who would give such a gift, a worthless human being until a Dominant "gives her a value"? No. Any woman who could, and would choose to give herself in such a way is one who is inherently valuable - whether or not a Dominant EVER says she is.

Padrone, i am grateful that You took this whore with a low self-image, and showed her and taught her that the real way to affirm my worth is through believing in myself, in seeing the good things in me, and in understanding that i am a strong woman, a good woman, and a worthwhile woman with lots of accomplishments and even more potential.

Thank You, my Owner, for teaching me how to feel good about myself because of who i am....who i have given to You....and not because of Your opinion of me. Thank You for basing Your opinion not on my behaviors, but rather on my attitude. Thank You for punishing me when necessary, but for teaching me the difference between punishment and consequences, and also that even when i am punished, i am a valued and treasured woman.

Padrone, but most of all, thank You for showing me that i am not valuable because i am Your slave....but rather that Your slave is more valuable because of who i am. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone. Grazie.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Some things never change

My son broke up with his girlfriend of almost 4 years on Wednesday. Yesterday they were back together. They are NOT D/s, but they do tend to have more "traditional" vanilla roles in their relationship.

And of course, since they have been together almost as long as Padrone and i have, i make the inevitable comparisons - omg i would DIE if Padrone "broke up" with me! Well, i wouldn't literally die, but i might want to.

Which is what she said about my son, only not in so many words. She kept saying that he was her world. i saw how dangerous that was to her, but how easy it had been for her to fall into the trap of shrinking her "world" until he was the only constant in it. She talked about how she didn't know what to do with herself, since she was always thinking about him, talking with him, or texting or "facebooking" him...when they weren't in class of course.

And she thought things were going well for the most part, and suddenly "whammo"! But he doesn't talk, he just holds things in until they become huge issues and suddenly it's over.

i take "credit" for that one, i'm afraid. It's kind of how i was before i met Padrone. i don't think i was ever as good at it as he is though, of course part of that is because he's a guy. They think differently, yanno!

My point here is that the things i described happening are common in all relationships at some point or another. It doesn't matter how old the couple are, there are always growing pains and struggles of Venus and Mars, and differing needs and perceptions, and changes.

They'll have more changes as they each graduate from college and she does either graduate school or joins the work force, and he goes on to law school. But don't we all?

Our relationship has endured many, many changes....from being a form of poly, to being strictly monogamous...from me working part time, to full time....from me getting hurt to me quitting that job....through stressful times and calm times... through illness and crises....not to mention teenagers (ugh).

And i know there will be many more.

But some things never change. i am slave, i am owned, and i am surrendered. i realize now that i have always been submissive in every relationship i have ever been in. It simply is who i am.

Son's girlfriend is not so submissive, she simply focuses solely on son and on her own needs...and depends upon him to meet them.

Poor girl - she's setting herself up for failure unless she expands her world and learns to meet her needs elsewhere - for companionship, friendship, communication, etc. Because frankly, some things never change, and the way we women interact tends to be one of those things!

In terms of relationships....they're young, 20 and 21. They have a long future ahead of them barring unforeseen circumstances. They are filled with hope and love and uncertainty and learning about responsibility and consequences. Really, quite a lot like Padrone and me. We're not so young, but we are filled with hope and love and uncertainty (not about each other, just about circumstances) and learning more and more about responsibility and consequences.

When we fail to learn, we fail to grow.

And i guess that's what this entire post is about. Growth, even when it is painful, is what makes relationships stronger. It doesn't matter if it is a M/s relationship or not - every relationship grows as the individuals in it grow. Every relationship will experience growing pains. And every relationship will become stronger as it overcomes adversity.

I spent some time last night talking with the girlfriend, giving her a bit of advice regarding male-female communication and expectations....simply because i've been "around" longer and have learned some things the hard way. She's a big girl and can choose to accept or not, and i'm a big girl and understand that she doesn't have to, even if i think it is sound advice. i'm not in their relationship, and this is the first time in almost 4 years that i have ever interfered, so i think i've got a pretty good track record going!

Anyway, that's one thing that has been on my mind lately, the way relationships work similarly no matter the age, or the "type" of relationship it is. i guess that's why i understand so clearly that being a slave doesn't change me, my responsibility to myself or to others, and it doesn't change the underlying "rules" of relationships.

Mutual Trust. Mutual Respect. Communication. Individual Integrity. Mutual Loyalty. Mutual Fidelity. Honesty. Serving one another. Being true to one's self. Learning about and meeting our partner's needs.

Nothing changes the way we live in a relationship, no matter how we define the relationship. Our behaviors, our attitudes, our demeanor, our roles may change, but the underlying pillars that *any* strong and successful relationship is built upon will never change.

Padrone, thank You for the suggestion for this topic, and for the way You have shown me that Master/slave is vital to our relationship, because it is simply who we are, but that it is indeed a relationship and not a fantasy or a roleplaying thing for either of us. You really are a wonderful Master, and i am incredibly blessed to belong to You!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

A Slave's Value

Well, i didn't type a post last week, so i am typing two this week. This one may not be very deep or philosophical, though.

i've got a lot of thoughts running through my mind today but i know that i don't have the right mindset to type things here with any tact at all, so it's best that i don't type those things.

i will pose a question, though, and then state my own thoughts regarding it. If anyone else would like to chime in, great. If not, that's cool too.

Where does a slave's value come from? For instance, are we, as slaves, only of value if our Masters think we are? Do we only have the level of value that He places on us? Are we valuable in and of ourselves, or is that an assumptive kind of attitude for a slave to have?

In other words, are slaves supposed to feel valuable because of who they are, or because of what their Master says? And that would beg the question regarding unowned slaves then. Do they have no value of themselves?

Well, i think most everyone who has read this blog for very long understands that i appreciate the value Padrone places on me as a woman, and as a slave. i am His property, yes, but i am the Ferrari that is kept in stellar condition. i am human, and treated as "property" only at certain times, when the need is present, and valued as an owned woman. And i, like the Ferrari, have problems performing to expectations at times, but that in no way diminishes my value as a person. It merely means i need work.

Notice what i said.

Value as a PERSON.

The reality is that if i choose to give everything i am to Padrone, and yet i have no concept of myself as a valuable gift....then two questions come to mind. First, what sort of gift am i actually giving, if it's not a valuable one...if i don't consider it valuable? And secondly, how can i expect Padrone to value me, if i don't? i've given him a second-hand, beat up, irreparable bicycle and expect to be treasured as if i had given him a brand new Ferrari.

That's what i did when we first began our relationship. i gave what i could, at the time would have sworn it was "all i am". i didn't think it was a very worthwhile thing to give, of course, and it showed. But as i learned to trust that He did value me as a person, that He respected my thoughts, my opinions, my needs, my life's circumstances, my family, my work obligations, my financial situation, my dreams and desires and personality....then i slowly began to see that...heck, i'm not so bad after all.

i value myself, because of who i am. i need Padrone in so many ways, and honestly can't even imagine life without Him, but one thing i don't NEED from him in order to feel good about myself, is validation of my worth as a woman.

i need it, yes. i need to know that he values me, treasures me, holds me in high esteem and that i have a place in his heart and life that nobody else has ever had. i need to understand that he sees good in me, that he sees me in the way he does. Many times it is HIS view of myself that keeps me from sinking into the mire of mental self-abuse that i have struggled with all my life.

But i understand that, if i depended solely on HIS view for my feelings of worth, then i would be setting myself up for a huge fall.

See, he isn't perfect. He won't always be willing or even able to reassure me about things i may need reassurance about. He won't always be willing or able to be my "self-worth ATM" that i can go to, express a need for so much amount of self-worth, and out pops instant feelings of value! It just doesn't happen that way.

And one of the most important lessons i learned years ago is that, as a woman who is a slave, i am ultimately responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. i am responsible for who i am, what i say, how i act. Even if Padrone wants me to do things, if i see that they are potentially dangerous or harmful, and i don't let him know but do them anyway, then the responsibility for consequences is mine alone.

If we make good choices, we receive good consequences. Bad choices reap bad consequences. That's life. If we value ourselves for who we are, then we reap the consequences of improved confidence, self image, lowered stress levels, and clearer thinking - less doubting of ourselves. If we insist that our value comes solely from our Masters, then the consequences are potentially harmful emotionaly - emotional roller coaster...needs potentially not met....self esteem damaged even more...increased stress....and increased doubting of ourselves. It can't be any other way if we look for clues or statements of our very worth as people in another person's words and actions.

There is a philosophy in D/s circles that it takes a strong woman to submit to another person. But that thought is seldom expounded upon, and many Masters use it as a tool to pretend they value a slave, until they submit, upon which time they use the slave's submission against her and immediately try to change everything about her. They view confident slaves as "arrogant" or "not submissive" because they have thoughts and opinions that are valid and appropriate, and didn't come from a Master and aren't dependent upon a Master's approval to become valid. They seem to believe that a slave is not allowed to disagree with their philosophy or "training" in any way, and even go so far as to punish their slaves for "questioning them"!

But i will offer this thought - the best slaves are those who discover who they are, either while within a relationship or outside of one, but not BECAUSE of it or because of who their Master says they are......and then choose to use their strengths to strengthen their relationship....or to define the kind of relationship they seek. They see submission as a journey of self discovery as much as a journey of obedience. They see themselves as good, worthwhile individuals, and when their Master reiterates or even expounds on their worthiness, it strengthens what is already in place.

Even i had something to build upon, although i had no idea what it was at the time. i had something about which i felt confident. Padrone built upon the seeds of self worth in order to lead me into feeling them about many more areas of myself. He didn't CREATE them, or even try to make me believe he did. He simply showed me his view of me, and over the years i not only came to accept it, but understand that what he sees in me is actually there! In other words, the value was there already. It took Padrone to shine the tarnish off so that i could see it more clearly myself.

Padrone, i am grateful that You show me enough respect to allow me to find value in myself, and don't diminish me or insult my intelligence by trying to make me believe that i only have any value that You place on me. Thank You for trusting that i would learn to believe in myself more, and that i would eventually accept the worth of the gift i have given to You...NOT my submission, submission is not a gift it is an attitude....the gift is myself. And yes, it is indeed a very valuable one! Thank You for showing me, for reassuring me when i doubt, and for letting me learn to value myself.

What i will call wisdom, You will call common sense, and so i thank You for using Your common sense in such a wise way! Grazie, mio Padrone. Grazie.