Sunday, June 22, 2008

for Padrone


i love the way You make me feel. i love that You need me, and me specifically. i love that You show me such deep care and concern in so many ways. i love that You think of me so highly. i love how You work so hard to make our relationship work. i love that You love for me to use the little italian i have been learning. i love that You want me to be happy. i love that You don't take me for granted.

i love Your voice, as well as the things You say. i love Your philosophy, and how it is more than simply philosophy to You. i love how You think ahead, yet live so well in the present. i love that You are teaching me, so patiently, that the past is just that.

Padrone, i love Your restraint, the control You exert over Yourself as well as over me. i love that i can give myself into Your control so often. i love that You help me in my life's crises and choices. i love that You make my life interesting.

i love Your looks, i love Your tenderness, i love Your obvious joy in Your family, i love that Your english is difficult when You are tired.

i love so much about You, Padrone, and of course, i love You.

shifting sand

There is an old saying that goes...

You can't stand on shifting sand.

i'm sure it's true, but at first glance it's not universally true. For instance, relationships have to change, the sand that comprises them *must* shift for it to grow and succeed. But the basis for the relationship, in our case the D/s, cannot change. Well it, too, has grown and deepened, but it is always present. It is not shifting sand, it is a firm foundation upon which the sand can shift all it needs to, to allow the changes to happen.

Nothng will ever take away the fact that i am Padrone's slave. He is my Master. It is the ways in which those facts are expressed that make our relationship flexible. Some things won't change, like the fact that He sets rules for me and i obey them. Now and then He may change one, and now and then i may fail in obeying, but those aren't changes of the basic fact that rules are made by Him, followed by me.

He is also the one who grants permission for me to live the way i live. He may change things about my lifestyle, and i am sure He will as time passes and circumstances change, and even has lately. HOW i live may change, but the fact that He chooses how i live, won't.

He chooses when to push me and when not to. He chooses when to use me, when to have me serve Him. How that happens does change, but the fact remains that i am not the one who chooses when it happens. i may voice a yearning, a need, i may beg or plead or even act wantonly in hopes of His use, but if He chooses not to use me, i deal with the need that He wishes for me to have, the best i can.

He has chosen to own me, and to treat me as His valuable property. i have chosen to serve Him as He so deserves for the way He treats me. We choose to love each other, and He has shown me that i am far more worthy of love than i ever knew before, and i have grown to love Him even more for it.

The sand may shift, and it is a very good thing that it does so, as long as the foundation upon which the sand lies is a firm, strong, sturdy one. Ours is, we chose long ago to be who we are, not so long ago to be who we are to each other, and even more recently to deepen the expression of it. But we are still Padrone and schiava.

Just You and me. All else fades away completely, Padrone, when compared with what is most important. Just You and me.

i am Yours....and You are mine. Grazie, mio Padrone.

Sunday, June 15, 2008


It's been quite some time since i have typed here, and tonight may not be the most opportune time to do so either. But there have been so many things going on lately that i just really needed to type some of them out.

i have grown, some, as a woman, but more as a slave. The past few weeks have brought some amazing changes, and i can't or won't go into a lot of detail about them. Suffice it to say that i am now Padrone's bitch, something i haven't ever been able to fully embrace being.

Why did this happen? Because Padrone expressed something to me that made me realize that there *is* a way to express my submission in a deeper way. Maybe even in a more meaningful way, i'm not sure - that's one of those things that can't be defined.

Padrone exposed a bit of Himself to me, something that showed me a new way to please Him. And of course, that is something that meant more to me than i could ever express, the trust and respect He showed me to reveal something deeper than He has ever shown before, and also it made me want to show Him my gratitude in a way that only He can understand.

But it is also more than that. It is as if His expression of Himself freed me, in some ways, to reveal things that i had .... well, not supressed, because i had told Him these things, but....maybe not dwelt upon, and that may have made Him not aware of how meaningful they were to me.

In other news, as some of y'all may know already, i am Padrone's bitch. i have a kennel in our private channel where i go when i wait for Him to get online. Being His bitch, so far, has meant that i have in a few small ways, acted as a dog for His pleasure. It is something that i used to have major problems with, and i could never define why. But i realize now that i can kind of take on the mentality of a dog, ecstatic to see her Owner, and eager to show the adoration she feels for Him, and...maybe it's easer that way, i don't know. It doesn't matter, except for my ingrained need to understand things. i'll figure it out, or learn to accept that i can't, one or the other.

And some things i am in limbo regarding, waiting for Padrone to do or say what He mentioned, and what i know may never be expressed. It's hard in some ways, because i have to be patient, and understand that He will only do what He chooses to do, and if He chooses not to do something, then it is because He thinks it is best for Him and for me if He doesn't. Nothing i could do or say, even if i were the type to try to change His mind, would have any effect. And y'all know what? i love Him for that.

Actually, i love Him for a lot MORE than that, but i'm sure y'all have figured that out by now.

i'm thinking of typing something else now, but i'll put it in a different post, with a different topic since it *is* a different topic.

Padrone, i am so grateful for the growth that we have had, even when it hasn't been dramatic and emotional. i am so grateful for the trust You have shown me so recently, and for the respect You show me daily. Thank You for trusting me when i offer more than You have ever taken before. Padrone, i can't imagine belonging to anyone else. i feel as if i have been searching for You my whole life.

Thank You, Padrone, for being You, and owning me in the way You do. You truly are incredible.


Well. This topic is a land mine, of sorts, but the fact is that humiliation itself is even moreso. So why type about it? Mainly because it is an area i have often thought of, and knew i needed, but didn't truly understand. i still don't, really, but i guess it's time to open up about it a bit now.

Humiliation has always been a two-edged sword for me. i hate it. But i need it, and i find myself getting aroused sexually and mentally when i am humiliated. What kind of humiliation is the hardest to take? That, of course differs on the person. For me, it's probably physical humiliation, because, for me, there is no physical humiliation without mental/emotional humiliation, although there can be the mental/emotional without the physical.

What i mean is that i truly hate when Padrone clamps my nipples with the belled clamps and has me greet Doms that way, especially when i am gagged. The first time that happened i cried and it took a long time for me to "recover". Now it's not so bad, but only because of familiarity, not because it is any less humiliating. i don't have to "recover" because the headspace is somewhere i have been before and know that i can get out of.

But deeper humiliation, things that i have never been able to even consider much less to do, i would have to "recover" from as i did this in the beginning.

Being Padrone's bitch, for instance, is not something i would have dreamed i would ever do without major consequences - emotionally, i mean. Yet i am doing it, and enjoying some aspects of it surprisingly enough. i still squirm when i'm told to "fetch", or when i do what i am required to do rl...but i do it, and there is some measure of satisfaction in doing it.

Some people find verbal humiliation something they can't handle. i had problems with that when i first met Padrone, but that actually faded rather quickly. The physical humiliation....actually acting in certain ways....demeaning myself....lowering myself into something .... not even human, a bitch.....i couldn't do it for a long time. i begged Padrone, once, long ago....please don't make me do this. And He, then, was gracious and considerate enough to allow me to stop.

But now, being called things, so far, hasn't been a major problem for me. i do have trigger words, things that He could say that would trigger a deeply negative reaction in me, but He knows them i think, and has never said them to me yet. Doing humiliating things is more difficult for me, but strangely enough, i find myself yearning for more.


i think that it is because i know He finds it pleasing that i would do things i hate, if He asked me to. It is a way to show the control that He has over me, and to show it more and more effectively, the more deeply humiliating the thing(s) He has me to do. i love showing whose i am, and just how deeply His i am, every chance i get.

Another reason is simply because it reinforces the depth of our relationship, to me. If He can do and say things, have me do and say things, that make me feel and seem as low as a part of me always feels i am......and care for me, accept me, love me *anyway*....then that is the kind of unconditional love and acceptance i have craved all my life.

And lastly, i honestly think that being humiliated keeps me in a submissive place. i find myself hating what i am doing, yet feeling so amazingly submissive, and even more grateful, because He asked something difficult of me. It stretches me. It pushes me. It allows me to show the depths of my submission. It allows me to show Him just how truly His i am.

And it does something inside me that i can't explain. Somehow it makes me stronger. It makes me know that i can handle more than i ever dreamed i could. But like any strengthening agent, it creates stress. Stress in anyone can trigger bad actions, and it can also create truly damaging thoughts and emotions in a relationship. Padrone and i have worked hard to create an environment of communication in our relationship, so that even negative or potentially damaging thoughts and emotions can be discussed and worked through. It makes me as a person stronger, and us as a couple stronger as well.

Humiliation is not something i will ever love, nor would i seek it if i weren't totally secure in my place in Padrone's life. But now, under the circumstances, it is something i know i can handle, even crave, and that i will somehow end up grateful for.

Padrone, i am Yours in more ways, and to more depth, than i can ever express. Thank You for the security You have provided for Your slave, so that she could grow into the person, the woman, the slave, she is.

i love You.