Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Happy Anniversary, Padrone

Eight years ago today, Padrone collared this hard-headed, often silly, slave as his own property. Through the past eight years, we have both been through so much in life of course, and in our relationship as well of course, but we have each grown and changed as individuals in ways that have made us so much more together than we could ever be individually.

I cannot begin to imagine life without Padrone. He is such an integral part of who I am, how I live, how I love...and I will hold on tightly to his heart for as long as I live.

Padrone, there is nothing that I can say to you today that you do not already know. But I wish to simply honor the man you are, the Master you are, the lover you are and say that all of me...from past to future, from mistakes to yours. I adore you, I love you, I honor you, my Padrone. You are the best part of who I am, and you always will be. I am, quite simply and quite profoundly, forever yours. Ti amo, il Padrone mio.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

When "good girl" is not enough

I've asked for help from Padrone regarding exercise. I can control my diet (for the most part) as evidenced by the lowering of my "bad" cholesterol by 50 points since October. All my labs look good, as a matter of fact. Other than the tendency to have lowered levels of some things that are easily raised through supplementation of diet, I'm pretty healthy. And of course, other than my weight.

I've been gaining weight lately, without any identifiable cause. Well, it could be one medication but I'm weaning off of it. Even all the supplements that were supposed to affect metabolism (among other health issues of course) did not prevent a weight gain. 16 pounds since October, even though my diet is healthier than it has ever been in my life. So I have asked Padrone to hold me accountable for exercising more, with set goals in mind, simply because accountability improves my discipline.

I know that Padrone's number one rule for me is to take care of myself. He isn't here, so he has to trust that I will do so, since he would definitely take care of me if he were here. But for some reason, even knowing that, I can't seem to exercise consistently. I'll walk, even for a few days, then will just...stop. And Padrone never really says anything, but I know he would like to see me exercise and get in shape...for looks yes but mostly for my health and my own self image. I know I would definitely feel more confident in myself if I felt that I looked better...looked the way I feel inside.

Padrone said to wait until after I saw the doctor last time, and I just haven't brought it up to him again. I am having a mental struggle with the fact that Padrone's pleasure, even his rule to take care of myself, is not enough to get me into exercise mode. And I do NOT like that about myself.

Not that I find every rule easy to follow, or pleasurable, or even beneficial to myself. But I do love to walk (when I have music - maybe that's the problem, I haven't loaded music onto my phone), and I know it's beneficial to myself, but for some reason that isn't enough to get me going. So what do I do when "good girl", when his pleasure, is not enough?

Well, this time I've asked for definite accountability. It isn't that I think exercise should necessarily be a punishable offense, and after I (finally) get into a routine of it then I won't need as much micromanagement as I seem to need to get started. Even if it were a specific set of expectations, with built in consequences like the hourly messages and daily emails are, that would be something that I would find beneficial I believe, especially after I return to work and my time suddenly becomes much more limited. Am I really going to want to waste the time with consequences???? I sincerely hope not!

I'm also under medical supervision for my weight loss, so I'm not simply running "willy nilly" and following fad diet plans or listening to the latest internet exercise guru. For me, walking is effective - especially simply to get started - and I'll be able to add to it eventually when I'm working and can use the girl's workout room at the school. And yes, the coaches there would be able to help me train, so in effect I'm also getting both a gym membership and a personal trainer (or two) (or three) as a benefit! I just have to take advantage of it, as anyone with a gym membership would have to do!

I talk a good talk, don't I? But even at school, when the girl's workout room will be a few steps from my classroom, I still have to get there and do it. And...that is, for some reason, incredibly difficult for me to do.

So what do I do to for motivation when his approval and pride is not enough? I feel ashamed of myself, of my selfishness, while realizing that it's human nature to struggle with weight, exercise, motivation, and submission. And I ask for help.

Padrone, you mentioned last night about another area of my life that you would like to control, and we talked about some details of it and how hard it might be to do it - and that the consequences for forgetting will eventually be more severe than I've felt in a long time. I understand that asking for more is pretty darn selfish but that it is my responsibility to do so when I feel that I need it. I know we'll talk about this more, and I am glad.

You know just how hard it is for me to admit that your pleasure with my submission is not enough to motivate me to do something I know you would like for me to do. I've done so much introspection about this, my Padrone, as you may imagine, knowing me as you do. It isn't an easy thing for me to ask for more from you, because I know just how much you give to me already. But asking I am, and I know you will consider carefully, and have very real and valid reasons should you choose to refuse.

Padrone, thank you for being so understanding of my eccentricities and the ... bumps in my submission. I do adore you, my love, and I am incredibly, amazingly, proud to belong to you. Grazie, il mio meraviglioso Padrone.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

New Job!

So I've been writing lines because I got so caught up in preparing for the new school year today (or beginning to prepare for it at least) that I forgot to message Padrone!

So I am going to be teaching in a totally different field, at a totally different grade level this year, with totally different students and parents. I'll be at a private school, again about an hour's drive away, and I'll be teaching high school English/Language Arts and either one or two science classes. And I'm very, very excited about it!

I'm behind though, of course, and I'll have to read some books in the next 3 weeks that the students read over the summer because the first week of school they will be tested on them, and I can't make tests if I haven't read the books! One I am quite familiar with already, though, so that's a good thing.

Padrone, as you may have surmised, was quite influential in the decision to go ahead and take this job. The pay is not as much as it was at the public schools, and I have to find insurance elsewhere, but they offer benefits in other ways (for instance, the school is sponsored by a paper company so we don't have to buy paper! That's $30/month right there!)

But I was thinking emotionally, and was extremely conflicted about what to do. I would have to drive that far if I were to get a job with public schools, so that was a non-factor. (I live in a very rural area, and since teaching in the local school district will NOT happen anytime soon, I had to look elsewhere) The benefits situation at first seemed quite bad, but upon further consideration it began to look better and Padrone asked a lot of questions and guided me with logic where I was leaning emotionally - basically he guided me into expressing the facts that made me feel the way I felt. That's what he is so incredibly good at, actually, and I just now figured out how to express it in words. It isn't so much that he sees the big picture and the smaller picture as well, but that he can see my situation far more logically than I can and since I'm far too emotional at times, that is an incredible blessing for me!

And yes, I surprised him recently by letting him know that I was horny and he used me and had me cum until I could not breathe - lol. That was a landmark time for us as it was the first time we have had the opportunity to both voice and cam at the same time. It was amazing!

And now, since unfortunately my chores have not yet begun to do themselves, I must put away all school stuff (sad) and computer (sad) and begin to work (major sad).

Padrone, thank you for helping me, for owning me, for asking the tough questions and voicing the thoughts I did not want to think. Thank you for letting me feel the emotions you knew I was feeling, but still remaining calm and focused on getting all the facts so you could weigh the evidence like all good lawyers do! You are so good for me, Padrone. I am yours.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Sharing Details

How much is enough? How much submission, how much control? How much of it spilling into daily lives? How much should be revealed to others? How much is too much, too soon? How much information does anyone really need to know about us? How much vulnerability is enough, without crossing the line?

So much of what I say here could be used against me in my real life, but I feel quite safe in typing what I do here. I feel far more uncertain about revealing any specific intimacies between Padrone and I, frankly. I do understand that seems very strange. It seems strange to me too. But the fact remains that, while I don't mind exposing the fact that I am a teacher living in the south, and other various generalities about myself - I really do not like revealing things about our relationship, intimacies and information that make me vulnerable to people other than Padrone.

So I talk in generalities here, and there are times when what I type may seem to put Padrone on a pedestal, as he says I do. There are times when I type only of the good parts of our relationship rather than anything negative, and honestly a lot of that is because there isn't a lot of negative at the moment. There isn't a lot of negative in general, actually. We are extremely well suited for one another, and yes, I do know how rare that is and how lucky we both are.

So I don't give a very clear idea of how our relationship really works. I don't really explain what it means to me, in our relationship, to be very much M/s without living together.

Right now I am trying to make myself break through the barrier of vulnerability and reveal more personal things about living in a long distance relationship. I do understand that this is not necessary - heck, nothing is necessary in my own blog. But for me, in some ways, it is important.

See, what seems hard to understand, for me as well as for others, is the level of commitment each of us has to this relationship. When I wake up in the mornings, usually while I am still lying in my bed, I message Padrone to say buon giorno. Sometimes I am smiling, sometimes I am feeling yucky, and often I'm grumpy because of course I have not yet had my coffee! He doesn't always respond, which is just how he is - but that is often hard to bear. He has gotten more consistent with his replies lately, for which I am grateful, but the lack sometimes makes me feel quite lonely.

I go about my days in my own typical fashion, which of course you don't know do you? I am not a huge planner, so I wake up and while I am having my coffee I am often thinking of what I will do during the day - on summer days and weekends at least. Some days, like tomorrow for instance, have appointments. (An interview over breakfast! I feel so ... professional!!!) I take quite some time to wake up and get "moving" and it is during this "waking up" time that I usually read the blogs I still follow and care about reading. I check email and lately I have begun trying to type my daily email to Padrone early as well so I don't forget it later. That stemmed from the time when I didn't have internet for a while and would often forget if I didn't type it on my phone before going to bed.

Anyway, I have been doing major housework this summer - cleaning and reorganizing and keeping what has already been cleaned that way. I am not a good housekeeper, and I make no bones about it. I don't enjoy housework, but since my kids have (mostly) moved out I can arrange my house in the way I would like it, so I have more incentive to really dig in and enjoy de-cluttering. So often my days are dull and boring, but I message Padrone often throughout the day. I am required to do so at least once per hour, but I have missed this fairly often lately. I don't know why except carelessness and forgetfulness, and you'd think I'd actually REMEMBER since I despise writing lines for it with a passion! Now and then I simply write that I am doing nothing, because that is actually what I'm doing. Sometimes I'll send an "I love you" or something along those lines.

This summer I've also been doing a lot more reading than usual since I'm not in school any more. So there are times when I miss a message because I'm just relaxed with a book and involved with a story and forget.

But one of the most unique aspects of our relationship is that for certain offenses (missing messages/emails), there are built-in consequences. If I miss a message, I write 50 lines. The lines say "I will message my Padrone every hour". When I miss an email, I write 50 lines saying that I will email Padrone every day, and I wear green because Padrone hates green clothing. I have a feeling that if we were together that punishment might not be in effect because HE is the one who would have to look at the green clothes, so it might be more punishment for him than for me since I don't mind them. If he wanted to make it really yucky for me, in terms of clothing colors, he would choose orange. I despise orange clothing!

We used to get online at IRC which is a chat program, in our private channel, twice per day. But since I started teaching it was reduced to once per day and that is pretty much where it stands now. We scene, we talk, we entertain the rare visitor, and we enjoy each other's company nightly in that channel. We also play backgammon (where he beats me in a totally different way) and one day we'll Skype while we are playing so he can teach me how to win. I'm just not as mean as he is, so he always eats my dots and I feel sorry for him and don't!

If I leave to go anywhere, I message to tell him so. If I'm gone more than an hour, I message during the time I'm gone as well, unless it is a situation where I cannot, like a job interview. I message to tell him when I return home. We tease, we flirt, we laugh, we just send boring messages, we...well, we live as a couple who text often when they are apart.

When I am online, I wear a small metal plug with a jeweled end, which he calls the jewel. I wear my slave number on my body all the time. I *was* wearing my collar at home all the time, but since he prefers a true dog's collar over any other type, it could have become embarrassing if I had opened the door wearing it or gone to town with it on. I did, once, and he happened to ask if I had taken it off - I got the message while I was on the way to town so I was grateful, believe me! So now I only wear it if he tells me to.

My rules are ... I won't say easy to follow, but I will say that they are designed to suit me and my lifestyle very well. They are intrusive enough into my daily life to keep him uppermost in my mind, but not so intrusive that I am in danger of discovery or cannot function as woman, mother, employee, friend, daughter. They are specific to me, except the "no cumming without permission" rule. He is the ruler of my pleasure, as he has been every slave he has ever owned. My rules have come about as he has gotten to know me and to understand my life, my routine, my circumstances. They change as he sees fit, as my life, routine, and circumstances change. Our relationship, like any successful relationship, is fluid within its structure of M/s.

I have asked him to hold me accountable for diet or exercise, but he has chosen not to go that route. I'm not totally sure why, even though I know it's a major responsibility when he cannot be here. I also should be able to do these things freely - to offer what I know would please him tremendously. But some things....for some reason....that is not enough of a motivation. That is hard to admit, of course, especially publicly. But it is what it is, and I cannot seem to make it change. If he were here, or I were there, it would be different I think. With circumstances being what they are, it is not different. That is why I asked to be held accountable. I don't like the idea of being punished for not exercising, but since his pleasure (positive reinforcement) doesn't seem to motivate me, then it may take punishment to do so. Maybe I could ask about using our "punishment jar" on my own, if I don't exercise a certain number of days per week. Self-punishment? But I could not do so without his permission, and it would also keep him from having to micromanage my exercise from an ocean away, so....I don't know, maybe it is worth thinking about, offering as an option when I bring it up again. We'll see.

The punishment jar is really a box now. It holds several punishments that Padrone and I thought of together (mostly him, I'm not good at thinking of punishments). They are specific to me, and would probably not work well for others. And I've never actually had to use them, thank God, but how it works is this: If I do something he deems punishable with a more serious punishment than writing lines or wearing green, then I am to pick a punishment from the box at random (they are folded so I cannot tell which is which). They are fairly equal in severity but are different in form. For instance, there is physical punishment (bread and water for dinner type things), mental punishment (BOREDOM), and emotional punishment (humiliating tasks). Since I would not know which I am picking from the box, and neither would he of course, it is one of those situations where he has already done the work of thinking of punishments, and I have no reason to feel resentment or anything because of the punishment itself. He doesn't have to try to balance severity of offense with severity of punishment, it is already done because he would only use that method for the most severe of infractions. Since I work hard at being respectful and rarely even contemplate deliberate disobedience, those punishments will hopefully remain in their box! And btw, that is why I have been thinking of asking for accountability with exercising again - because if it is a rule, then I will do all I can not to disobey. Sometimes offering is not enough.

The rest of my days are typically boring and peaceful lately. Chores, laundry, cooking more healthy dinners, reading, long baths, and talking with family make up the majority of my days that aren't focused on Padrone. And it is that focus on him that allows us to have what we have, and to be happy with one another for as long as we have been. It hasn't always been that way, of course. We have had our fair share of growing pains, of fussing and arguing, of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. But at the end of the day, we love each other and choose to spend our time with each other as much as possible, rather than totally apart simply because we don't live together.

So, I'm not sure how well I have put some of these things, or how well they will be received by the only one who matters. I'll find that out in a few minutes!

Padrone, a lot of what I typed here isn't new, but the reason for typing it this way is, I think. I feel as if revealing things here will open myself up to you even more than I already am, and by typing things that aren't necessarily all positive, I am being publicly more vulnerable and intimate. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I am only trying to explain things that are in my heart and mind, which is not always clear as well you know! I just know that it feels right, Padrone, and I hope you understand and approve. I love you, il Padrone mio, with all that I am. Bacio.

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Back in the Saddle, Thank Goodness!

Finally I am back online, back from vacations, and once more poised and enthused about a job search. Unfortunately, this enthusiasm happens to be during a holiday week. For those of you in the US, you understand that means that very few administrators and even fewer district office personnel will be in their offices in the first place. Interviews and hiring will likely be way down on the bottom of their priority list, I'm sure.

But due to a Facebook group I belong to (fans of Alabama football), I have made a connection with the headmaster of a private school in Alabama who is looking for a teacher to teach both History (Social Studies) and English/Language Arts. She's also looking for a girls' sports coach and while I might be able to coach softball, I know absolutely NOTHING about basketball or volleyball, so she'll have to hire a part time coach if she hires me. Apparently the only other viable candidate would require the same, but s/he isn't even qualified to teach ELA so that might give me a bit of an edge. We'll see.

I spent a few days at the beach again this year. Oh man, I am SO ready to go back! We sat on the deck of our house and watched the dolphins play most mornings! And went to the zoo and played goofy golf, cooked for the entire crew one evening, swam and floated on "boogie boards", went shopping LATE one evening at the cheesy tourist trap shops, and in general had a wonderful time. Daughter wants us and two of her friends to go back one weekend in August! Wouldn't that be fun? I haven't yet mentioned it to Padrone, except here of course. :D

And that leads me to the other part of the reason I haven't been here recently. My internet has been out for several weeks, while I was disconnected quite suddenly by my previous provider who chose not to support my type of internet anymore. I researched and chose another provider, and it was installed yesterday! It's fast, and although it is limited in data transfer amounts, there is a "free download zone" each night from midnight - 5 am. I'll use the heck out of it if I can figure out how to schedule downloads!

So we've had Voxer and email, pretty much. To Skype I have had to go to town and we've done that now and then but the contact has been very limited for pretty much the entire month of June. Lordy I missed that man! It also made me a bit forgetful, and I have written probably 1,000 lines lately for missing messages or emails. The messages are probably the most difficult, because we will have conversations via Voxer, and when I think of messaging I just remember our conversations and smile and don't realize how much time has passed since the last message, and so I miss them. That isn't the only reason, of course, since I get involved with a book or something and don't notice the time passing often. So, I have to refocus and do so quickly so my line-writing is put to an end soon!

And I am trying very hard to organize my house the way I want it since the kids have (pretty much) moved out. I am finally converting the school room into a laundry room of sorts (can't move washer/dryer without major renovations, so I'm just setting up a folding/hanging/ironing area). I'm making the back unused bathroom into a storage area for holiday decorations. The bedroom attached to it will be a guest room as well as my "office/reading room". The front bedroom will be another guest bedroom, and will also house the things for my classroom during the summers, as well as a "craft area" with my sewing stuff and other various and sundry project items available. I haven't crafted in a long time, because of the space demands required, but now I'll have space!

And I started all this organization yesterday by decluttering my dining room. It looks soooooooo good! The next room I'll attack will be the school room, so that I can start using it for its intended purposes soon. I had cleaned out the back bedroom, but I was going about things backwards, and thinking of comfort before utility. I NEED the laundry space; I don't NEED the guest bedroom/office/reading room just now.

So, it's been a busy but pleasant summer so far. I feel better physically and will continue to feel better as the levels of required nutrients in my body continues to rise. The only bad part of the summer is that I haven't found a job yet. It's a bit worrisome in general, and I tend to get a bit down about it at times, but overall I do realize that many districts go on a major hiring spree in July. So, we'll see.

I am SO glad to have internet back so Padrone and I can refocus on each other and the D/s dynamic. He has missed it too, I know. I'm just hopeful that Skype will work on this connection and we can use it now and then from home! Mmmmmmm....sounds amazing! I know he'll have me suffer for him soon, and the surrender and control will be firmly refocused, and the peace and joy will spread through my heart and mind in the beautiful way that only D/s can do. It is such a beautiful thing to give all I have, all I am, to my Padrone, and to know that he loves what I give and will take care of me when I am at my most vulnerable. That, to me, is what trust in a relationship is all about.

Padrone, I am so glad we are back in regular, consistent contact once more. I missed this with you, more than I can say. Even now, just blogging because I know you enjoy my blog posts, is putting my mind at ease and giving me a calm, peaceful feeling that I only get through submission - submitting the way you enjoy so well, by offering what I know pleases you even if it is not technically required of me. I am smiling as I imagine you reading this and smiling yourself. I am so glad, so very grateful, to be yours, my Padrone.