Tomorrow

Kidney stones, kidney infection, Lortab on top of Demerol, Mt. Papers-to-be-graded-and-reported-before-progress-reports, recalcitrant Juniors, disrespectful Seniors, 13 year olds ...well, enough said about them ... and a yearbook staff that just *had* to make Ms. Teacher-me become Bitchlady.

It's been an interesting week.

Tomorrow starts my 9 day holiday week though, and it's actually going to be a very easy day tomorrow because very few students will be there. So I'll get the rest of my semester (3 weeks left, yay!) planned, things copied and organized as much as possible, and just hang in there for the rest of the day. It will likely be a long, boring day though. :)

Not much else to say about work, and I've been recuperating from kidney stones/infection and haven't talked much with Padrone this week. I've missed him.

Padrone, I am so glad that I will have a week off! I am *more* than ready for it, you know. I am *more* than ready to spend more time with you. I am eager to simply smile and open and melt into and with you, relaxing with you and into us once again, shaking off the busy-ness of the externals. I need it, Padrone, as I know you do as well. Tomorrow, il Padrone mio. Tomorrow.

Life's Upsets

Oh, hello. Sorry it's been so long since I've been around to type here, but it has seriously been insane at this place where I live, AND the place where I work.

Both parents have been sick, with some serious issues, in the past two months. My dad is still apparently having heart issues, though he recently had another stent put in. That, and work, and family....yes, I plan to vent here about the family issues because some things just hurt. They are just plain WRONG. And this time it isn't me that is doing it.

Work ... well, apparently Homecoming week at my new school is also known as "do absolutely no work" week, but nobody gave me the memo until AFTER I tried to teach actual classes - lol. Finally I, too, gave up. Then there was the pageant for which I was a sponsor (I'm STILL laughing about that one, but I'm yearbook adviser and apparently yearbook was one of the sponsors, we're making money off of it), but which ate 2 days of school and almost an entire weekend. And today, which of course is a work day, the Board decided to make a half day of school (decided last week, bless them) because the football team made the State playoffs and have to drive literally across the entire state for a game tonight. Since our school is SO small, the only way many of the students and teachers could go would have been to leave early, so to encourage attendance they shortened the work day. Since my drive is so long, the headmaster said "Stay home. Get a sub." So I did. :D

Since we're also off on Monday, I have a 4 day weekend! It was, in all honesty, much needed.

So today I've been browsing blogs and thinking, which is kind of what I do.

And I am more in love with Padrone than ever. Just throwing that out there, in case anyone wondered. :D

But today I need to focus on family issues and the sheer...audacity...of some people. First, the facts.

Ten years ago or longer, I "came out" to my family about the sexual abuse I had suffered, or at least parts of it. I knew it would not go over well, and I ended up being completely shunned except by two people. Ironically enough one was the wife of one of the abusers. The other was a cousin who had experienced the same things I had with one of the abusers.

One aunt told me that she had power of attorney for my Grandmother, and when she was in the hospital dying (or so everyone thought - Granny lasted a few more weeks!), aunt refused to allow me to visit her. She also told me that she KNEW I was lying about the abuse, because she KNEW how abused victims acted and I didn't act that way. She *also* asked me what made me so "special", that several men would abuse me?

Fast forward a few years to my parents' 50th anniversary reception in 2011. NONE of my aunts, uncles, or cousins except the one who was also abused and her mom (an in-law to my mom and her sisters, and the rebel of the bunch) even spoke to me. Even the one taking pics didn't speak to me, which I found quite amusing actually. Also, when I talked with my mom about the preparations for the reception, I was informed that her sisters were doing it and they had it under control. All I was allowed to do was to pay for the cake and show up, and if I hadn't shown up I doubt there would have been any comments made. I had mono when the reception happened, and I didn't get close enough to spread it to any of them, unfortunately.

So I haven't gone to Christmas dinner with the extended family in years. After mom was in the hospital, and came close to dying herself, apparently the family got together and discussed among themselves that particular fact. Well, I got a phone call from the only cousin who still speaks with me. She informed me that some of the others were wondering if I'd go back to Christmas dinner if she asked me, since they know we still talk. She THEN said that my mom was upset that I hadn't been going. THAT pissed me off no end, and even though all this happened a couple of weeks ago, I am STILL furious about it.

My mom and I have gotten a lot closer over the past few years. We've chosen to ignore things, to keep our mouths shut over things, and we've started getting along a LOT better. If she had been upset about the dinner, she would have mentioned it a long time ago. But these know-it-alls decided, apparently, that my mom wouldn't last another year on this earth, and they thought they'd try to manipulate the situation so that she had "one last Christmas dinner with the whole family around her". Yeah.

I ended up calling my mom, of course, and we had a discussion about it. I'm glad we did because she informed me that she had gotten a call too, from the aunt who had been so ugly to me (see above), saying that she didn't know WHY she was the one accused of making me feel unwelcome, she hadn't done ANYTHING to me, and as far as she was concerned I am welcome to come any time I want! So yes, I did tell my mom that aunt was lying through her teeth and proceeded to tell her why in detail. Mom told me that she knows this is my decision, it's my life, and she didn't try to guilt me into doing anything like she usually does. That is a very telling thing about the status of our relationship, obviously. I know she'd like for me to go for her own reasons, but she also understands that I have my own reasons for not going. I *have* considered showing up just to put them on the spot. If I did, I wouldn't be able to resist hugging each and every one of them and saying how GLAD I was that they were willing to put up with me for a couple of hours once a year for my mom's sake!

Or worse.

So the potential loss of my mom made me think long and hard about other losses in my life, and those were mostly the men who had abused me. Most of those men are dead now. But those thoughts triggered some major "demon wrestling" which took away yet another weekend's peace. So the days off could not have happened at a better time for this chick, for sure.

And Padrone and I have had some wonderful talks, confusing then clarifying and we are closer and more at peace than we have ever been. It is nice, plain and simple. I love him more today than ever, and I know he feels the same way about me. There is no greater comfort to this slave than confidence and security in her relationship. Padrone, I thank you for always, always giving me the reassurance or clarification I need to stay confident and secure. I adore you, as always, my love. Bacio.

Life and Death

Life hit HARD all of a sudden there, and finally has eased off a bit.

My mother was in the hospital for 9 days or so, and almost died actually. It was a very, very nerve wracking time until about Wednesday when she turned the corner and improved dramatically, very quickly! She finally went home yesterday.

So what I did last weekend was stay in the hospital almost the entire weekend exclusively. I was able to leave for a couple of hours when my dad got there, but was offered no other help at all, even from brother and his family. Mom was surprised, I think, and honestly I was too....but not by my own actions.

Needless to say, communication with Padrone has been both sporadic and vanilla for the most part. But I'm of the opinion that much of life *is* vanilla unless one serves a micromanaging Master, which Padrone has not yet been. Frankly, he trusts my ability to live my life as needed, in general, but is absolutely willing and able to step in with advice, guidance, or instruction when he chooses to do so.

I do know that a lot of the perception of a long distance M/s relationship is that it exists solely on the computer and when the machine is turned off, so too is the relationship. That could not be farther from the truth for us, but I'm not going to go into all of that right now. I'm just going to say that Padrone and his expectations are first and foremost in my mind, and so I have been doing his number one expectation - taking care of myself - even though it means less time spent with him.

Twelve hour days, after the weekend I had last weekend and ending with a 19 hour day yesterday, means that what I have done is go to work, come home, get clothes ready for the next day, and fall into bed. And after a funeral today, and grading 100,000 papers or so that I got behind on over the past couple of weeks, I plan to crash again. Actually, I may crash instead of grading papers, then grade while the ball game is on tonight. We'll see....

The funeral is for the ex's aunt, who has lived less than half a mile from me for 25 years or so. Her daughter in law is my best friend. Her granddaughter would come hang out in my classroom last year. Her son taught my son to play Sonic the Hedgehog on the old Sega game console. I've known this family forever.

So it's really sad to know that her life on earth is over - not for her because both her faith and mine include heaven - but for the influence she has had on those around her for 80+ years.

It could so easily have been my mother's funeral this weekend, literally.

So I have been thinking of the power of the human life force a lot today. It could be so easy to say that we are only a heartbeat away from death, but have you ever really thought of just how difficult it can be to stop a heart from beating? If one wishes to kill another person, there are ways that might seem easy of course - gun, knife, blow to the head, medicine or poison, who knows? I've never really thought about it (except the blow to the head with the ex, and then not to kill but rather to vent my own frustrations! And preferably with an iron skillet since I don't use a rolling pin often), but I guess there might be a myriad of variations on a limited number of actual ways to stop another person's heart. Smothering. Who could DO that to someone???? Etc....

But after watching my mother literally struggle to breathe all weekend, and knowing how ill Aunt was for a time before her own death, it really hit me that the life force within a human being is very, very strong. And you know what? I woke up thinking of death, of the sadness of loss and how close I came to experiencing even more loss this week. But what has happened is that I have a renewed appreciation of life itself, even though I am going to a funeral today. Aunt LIVED while she was alive, and lived for a long time. I can finally view a ceremony such as a funeral as more than a ritualistic closure on a life, but rather a celebration of such and an expression of void in our own lives left by the one who has passed away.

I messaged Padrone this morning and said that I was going to try to type here, because I haven't in a LONG time and I miss it, but that my post may be a bit morbid. I am grateful, glad, that it has turned out to be not so morbid after all.

Padrone, thank you for hanging in there with me, patiently and lovingly, while I have worried about my mother and struggled with my own issues. Thank you for understanding that, even though she and I have always had a strained relationship, I only have one mother and when she is gone I will be a bit lost. Without you, however, I would be far more lost, in a totally different way. I am deeply, forever, grateful for all you mean to me, and all you give to me. One day, one day, I will be able to give as much in return, my love. One day.

Sono la Sua schiava, Padrone. Ti ameró per sempre.

Demons

Appropriate song for what I'm talking about today.



So I've been working on a lot of things lately, mental work which can be far more challenging than physical work can be. Of course, I've begun walking which I hope will help spur some weight loss but even if it doesn't then maybe it will help me feel better about myself and be in better physical shape anyway.

I've also been fighting another dad-gum bladder infection. But that's neither here nor there, frankly, because it heals.

Mentally, however, my work is far more difficult.

I've come to some interesting places in my mental life lately. I've realized that, though there are some very ugly things in my history, I have every right to be angry about it. Finally, after years and years, the anger is turning outward where it belongs, rather than inward in self-loathing and guilt. The effect on my sexuality is lessening a bit, thank goodness. Frankly, i used to use sex to avoid the reminders of the past. When I finally got the memories repressed, I stopped being interested in sex at all for a long, long time.

Even when Padrone and I met, I was a slut. I needed BDSM, needed D/s, but I refused to deal with all the emotions it stirred up in me and so I thought I effectively shut my heart off and submitted sexually only. Padrone, of course, saw through that facade into the real me, and what little he saw interested him enough that he revealed that interest and we, obviously, became a couple.

But the underlying anger, which had been directed inappropriately, was still there. I just didn't know it. I couldn't feel it, I couldn't deal with it when I did feel it, and I kept it as repressed as possible - to my mental and physical detriment. I look back now, and I'm still rather screwed up, and wonder how the heck Padrone put up with me!

So now, I've started facing the repressed emotions and even the memories creating the emotions. It hasn't been something I've wanted to do, especially at this point in my life because I'm busy and have FAR too much going on in my little section of the world. But I've had to for whatever reason. And as I've faced the demons who wreaked such havoc in my adult life, I've begun to feel a tremendous amount of anger. It's been generalized, making me ill as a hornet towards everyone I have come in contact with, except Padrone. I find it quite difficult to be ill with him - he is so easygoing that it just rolls off his back anyway so why bother?

During one of those moments I had a revelation of sorts. I had felt aroused and it was a direct, and finally obvious, way of avoiding the demons. I was PISSED, believe me.

I mean, I was incensed!

And I went into immediate arousal denial mode.

Until I was able to contain that anger, to focus it, to...attribute blame for what happened to me as a kid to the right people.

Until I was able to finally, after all these years, feel less guilt. I literally felt it disappear from my mentality. Not totally of course, but just enough to make me see beyond the veil of guilt and self-loathing as it were.

It was a major life-changing moment for me. I have NEVER felt like that before, and yet now...it's an amazing feeling still although I still struggle to maintain it. Let's face it, the thought patterns of almost 5 decades will not be changed overnight.

I still haven't allowed myself to feel aroused yet, because I really don't want to deal with the possible effects of it yet. And I'm talking "spontaneous arousal" rather than being aroused by Padrone, if that makes sense.

Padrone, I'm still working through this stuff. It began when I started going chronologically and really looking at issues and not avoiding them. Memories, what actually happened, my own thoughts and feelings - they all worked together to trigger some sort of release of the anger and the healthier self image that has happened so far. I have had a lot of trouble putting all these things into words, and I'm still not sure I did so coherently. All I know is that feeling safe within our relationship is the one thing that has allowed me to confront these demons and work through all these issues, as they present themselves to be dealt with. I also feel confident to seek out the demons and confront them on my own now - something I've always run from in the past. I cannot begin to express the gratitude I feel for you. You have literally changed my life. Thank you will never be enough.

Still Here

It's been so long since I've typed here that I don't know how to start. It's been a crazy, insanely crazy, few weeks. Or longer, who knows?

I've been working, and working some LONG hours. I'm teaching totally different things than I ever have, with a totally different student population, in a totally different environment.

I'm enjoying my job, overall, but it has been a LONG time coming. God, it's been rough. But I am hopeful that some recent discussions with students and administration have really been beneficial. I had turned in my resignation, but rescinded it. I cannot break my contract - I simply can't. It's the wrong thing to do.

Anyway, my kids are great for the most part. I'm getting to know some of them quite well, and I am learning to love these kids. I'm also teaching them with high expectations, though it's a difficult thing for them to deal with at times since they haven't always been held to high standards, sad as that is. But it's a really good thing for me, because I can show a lot of growth in these students' performance, which will make me look really good - lol. :)

I've missed Padrone, because as you may imagine working so much has severely limited her time and availability. She is really upset with that, and has truly missed her Master so much. But she has started leaving work at a more decent hour as she has gotten more settled. She can call and talk on her way home from work since the signal is decent except for a 10 minute stretch there. She also gets home early enough to be able to get online if we don't talk while she drives home. Usually anyway.

Yesterday I went to a special showing of some art related to the 9/11 attacks. It was absolutely moving and a very special presentation by the artist himself. The students were supposed to go on a field trip, but it was cancelled at the very last moment, and it put me in a bad light since I am the one who contacted the gallery to set it up and they really went all out for the students. It was too late to reschedule another group by the time we had to cancel, so I felt very responsible, and felt obligated to go. So I took the day off and went. It was a very, very wonderful time, and I am incredibly glad I went. I think Padrone is very glad, and proud of me too, since I simply told the headmaster that I felt obligated. He understood, and encouraged me to go.

Today Padrone and I talked for a while, and I heard his voice calmly telling me he was so glad that I am the kind of person who always tries to do the right thing, even when it isn't easy. He appreciates it in people in general, he said, but especially in his woman.

Yes, I melted.

Padrone, I am so glad to be yours. Words cannot ever express the depths of my enslavement to you, in every way. Padrone, thank you so very much, for loving me, for missing me, for needing me, for owning me deeply. I am so yours, my Padrone, even when circumstances prevent me from expressing it as fully and as clearly as I need to. I love you, Padrone. I love you.

Happy Anniversary, Padrone

Eight years ago today, Padrone collared this hard-headed, often silly, slave as his own property. Through the past eight years, we have both been through so much in life of course, and in our relationship as well of course, but we have each grown and changed as individuals in ways that have made us so much more together than we could ever be individually.

I cannot begin to imagine life without Padrone. He is such an integral part of who I am, how I live, how I love...and I will hold on tightly to his heart for as long as I live.

Padrone, there is nothing that I can say to you today that you do not already know. But I wish to simply honor the man you are, the Master you are, the lover you are and say that all of me...from past to future, from mistakes to potential...is yours. I adore you, I love you, I honor you, my Padrone. You are the best part of who I am, and you always will be. I am, quite simply and quite profoundly, forever yours. Ti amo, il Padrone mio.

When "good girl" is not enough

I've asked for help from Padrone regarding exercise. I can control my diet (for the most part) as evidenced by the lowering of my "bad" cholesterol by 50 points since October. All my labs look good, as a matter of fact. Other than the tendency to have lowered levels of some things that are easily raised through supplementation of diet, I'm pretty healthy. And of course, other than my weight.

I've been gaining weight lately, without any identifiable cause. Well, it could be one medication but I'm weaning off of it. Even all the supplements that were supposed to affect metabolism (among other health issues of course) did not prevent a weight gain. 16 pounds since October, even though my diet is healthier than it has ever been in my life. So I have asked Padrone to hold me accountable for exercising more, with set goals in mind, simply because accountability improves my discipline.

I know that Padrone's number one rule for me is to take care of myself. He isn't here, so he has to trust that I will do so, since he would definitely take care of me if he were here. But for some reason, even knowing that, I can't seem to exercise consistently. I'll walk, even for a few days, then will just...stop. And Padrone never really says anything, but I know he would like to see me exercise and get in shape...for looks yes but mostly for my health and my own self image. I know I would definitely feel more confident in myself if I felt that I looked better...looked the way I feel inside.

Padrone said to wait until after I saw the doctor last time, and I just haven't brought it up to him again. I am having a mental struggle with the fact that Padrone's pleasure, even his rule to take care of myself, is not enough to get me into exercise mode. And I do NOT like that about myself.

Not that I find every rule easy to follow, or pleasurable, or even beneficial to myself. But I do love to walk (when I have music - maybe that's the problem, I haven't loaded music onto my phone), and I know it's beneficial to myself, but for some reason that isn't enough to get me going. So what do I do when "good girl", when his pleasure, is not enough?

Well, this time I've asked for definite accountability. It isn't that I think exercise should necessarily be a punishable offense, and after I (finally) get into a routine of it then I won't need as much micromanagement as I seem to need to get started. Even if it were a specific set of expectations, with built in consequences like the hourly messages and daily emails are, that would be something that I would find beneficial I believe, especially after I return to work and my time suddenly becomes much more limited. Am I really going to want to waste the time with consequences???? I sincerely hope not!

I'm also under medical supervision for my weight loss, so I'm not simply running "willy nilly" and following fad diet plans or listening to the latest internet exercise guru. For me, walking is effective - especially simply to get started - and I'll be able to add to it eventually when I'm working and can use the girl's workout room at the school. And yes, the coaches there would be able to help me train, so in effect I'm also getting both a gym membership and a personal trainer (or two) (or three) as a benefit! I just have to take advantage of it, as anyone with a gym membership would have to do!

I talk a good talk, don't I? But even at school, when the girl's workout room will be a few steps from my classroom, I still have to get there and do it. And...that is, for some reason, incredibly difficult for me to do.

So what do I do to for motivation when his approval and pride is not enough? I feel ashamed of myself, of my selfishness, while realizing that it's human nature to struggle with weight, exercise, motivation, and submission. And I ask for help.

Padrone, you mentioned last night about another area of my life that you would like to control, and we talked about some details of it and how hard it might be to do it - and that the consequences for forgetting will eventually be more severe than I've felt in a long time. I understand that asking for more is pretty darn selfish but that it is my responsibility to do so when I feel that I need it. I know we'll talk about this more, and I am glad.

You know just how hard it is for me to admit that your pleasure with my submission is not enough to motivate me to do something I know you would like for me to do. I've done so much introspection about this, my Padrone, as you may imagine, knowing me as you do. It isn't an easy thing for me to ask for more from you, because I know just how much you give to me already. But asking I am, and I know you will consider carefully, and have very real and valid reasons should you choose to refuse.

Padrone, thank you for being so understanding of my eccentricities and the ... bumps in my submission. I do adore you, my love, and I am incredibly, amazingly, proud to belong to you. Grazie, il mio meraviglioso Padrone.

New Job!

So I've been writing lines because I got so caught up in preparing for the new school year today (or beginning to prepare for it at least) that I forgot to message Padrone!

So I am going to be teaching in a totally different field, at a totally different grade level this year, with totally different students and parents. I'll be at a private school, again about an hour's drive away, and I'll be teaching high school English/Language Arts and either one or two science classes. And I'm very, very excited about it!

I'm behind though, of course, and I'll have to read some books in the next 3 weeks that the students read over the summer because the first week of school they will be tested on them, and I can't make tests if I haven't read the books! One I am quite familiar with already, though, so that's a good thing.

Padrone, as you may have surmised, was quite influential in the decision to go ahead and take this job. The pay is not as much as it was at the public schools, and I have to find insurance elsewhere, but they offer benefits in other ways (for instance, the school is sponsored by a paper company so we don't have to buy paper! That's $30/month right there!)

But I was thinking emotionally, and was extremely conflicted about what to do. I would have to drive that far if I were to get a job with public schools, so that was a non-factor. (I live in a very rural area, and since teaching in the local school district will NOT happen anytime soon, I had to look elsewhere) The benefits situation at first seemed quite bad, but upon further consideration it began to look better and Padrone asked a lot of questions and guided me with logic where I was leaning emotionally - basically he guided me into expressing the facts that made me feel the way I felt. That's what he is so incredibly good at, actually, and I just now figured out how to express it in words. It isn't so much that he sees the big picture and the smaller picture as well, but that he can see my situation far more logically than I can and since I'm far too emotional at times, that is an incredible blessing for me!

And yes, I surprised him recently by letting him know that I was horny and he used me and had me cum until I could not breathe - lol. That was a landmark time for us as it was the first time we have had the opportunity to both voice and cam at the same time. It was amazing!

And now, since unfortunately my chores have not yet begun to do themselves, I must put away all school stuff (sad) and computer (sad) and begin to work (major sad).

Padrone, thank you for helping me, for owning me, for asking the tough questions and voicing the thoughts I did not want to think. Thank you for letting me feel the emotions you knew I was feeling, but still remaining calm and focused on getting all the facts so you could weigh the evidence like all good lawyers do! You are so good for me, Padrone. I am yours.

Sharing Details

How much is enough? How much submission, how much control? How much of it spilling into daily lives? How much should be revealed to others? How much is too much, too soon? How much information does anyone really need to know about us? How much vulnerability is enough, without crossing the line?

So much of what I say here could be used against me in my real life, but I feel quite safe in typing what I do here. I feel far more uncertain about revealing any specific intimacies between Padrone and I, frankly. I do understand that seems very strange. It seems strange to me too. But the fact remains that, while I don't mind exposing the fact that I am a teacher living in the south, and other various generalities about myself - I really do not like revealing things about our relationship, intimacies and information that make me vulnerable to people other than Padrone.

So I talk in generalities here, and there are times when what I type may seem to put Padrone on a pedestal, as he says I do. There are times when I type only of the good parts of our relationship rather than anything negative, and honestly a lot of that is because there isn't a lot of negative at the moment. There isn't a lot of negative in general, actually. We are extremely well suited for one another, and yes, I do know how rare that is and how lucky we both are.

So I don't give a very clear idea of how our relationship really works. I don't really explain what it means to me, in our relationship, to be very much M/s without living together.

Right now I am trying to make myself break through the barrier of vulnerability and reveal more personal things about living in a long distance relationship. I do understand that this is not necessary - heck, nothing is necessary in my own blog. But for me, in some ways, it is important.

See, what seems hard to understand, for me as well as for others, is the level of commitment each of us has to this relationship. When I wake up in the mornings, usually while I am still lying in my bed, I message Padrone to say buon giorno. Sometimes I am smiling, sometimes I am feeling yucky, and often I'm grumpy because of course I have not yet had my coffee! He doesn't always respond, which is just how he is - but that is often hard to bear. He has gotten more consistent with his replies lately, for which I am grateful, but the lack sometimes makes me feel quite lonely.

I go about my days in my own typical fashion, which of course you don't know do you? I am not a huge planner, so I wake up and while I am having my coffee I am often thinking of what I will do during the day - on summer days and weekends at least. Some days, like tomorrow for instance, have appointments. (An interview over breakfast! I feel so ... professional!!!) I take quite some time to wake up and get "moving" and it is during this "waking up" time that I usually read the blogs I still follow and care about reading. I check email and lately I have begun trying to type my daily email to Padrone early as well so I don't forget it later. That stemmed from the time when I didn't have internet for a while and would often forget if I didn't type it on my phone before going to bed.

Anyway, I have been doing major housework this summer - cleaning and reorganizing and keeping what has already been cleaned that way. I am not a good housekeeper, and I make no bones about it. I don't enjoy housework, but since my kids have (mostly) moved out I can arrange my house in the way I would like it, so I have more incentive to really dig in and enjoy de-cluttering. So often my days are dull and boring, but I message Padrone often throughout the day. I am required to do so at least once per hour, but I have missed this fairly often lately. I don't know why except carelessness and forgetfulness, and you'd think I'd actually REMEMBER since I despise writing lines for it with a passion! Now and then I simply write that I am doing nothing, because that is actually what I'm doing. Sometimes I'll send an "I love you" or something along those lines.

This summer I've also been doing a lot more reading than usual since I'm not in school any more. So there are times when I miss a message because I'm just relaxed with a book and involved with a story and forget.

But one of the most unique aspects of our relationship is that for certain offenses (missing messages/emails), there are built-in consequences. If I miss a message, I write 50 lines. The lines say "I will message my Padrone every hour". When I miss an email, I write 50 lines saying that I will email Padrone every day, and I wear green because Padrone hates green clothing. I have a feeling that if we were together that punishment might not be in effect because HE is the one who would have to look at the green clothes, so it might be more punishment for him than for me since I don't mind them. If he wanted to make it really yucky for me, in terms of clothing colors, he would choose orange. I despise orange clothing!

We used to get online at IRC which is a chat program, in our private channel, twice per day. But since I started teaching it was reduced to once per day and that is pretty much where it stands now. We scene, we talk, we entertain the rare visitor, and we enjoy each other's company nightly in that channel. We also play backgammon (where he beats me in a totally different way) and one day we'll Skype while we are playing so he can teach me how to win. I'm just not as mean as he is, so he always eats my dots and I feel sorry for him and don't!

If I leave to go anywhere, I message to tell him so. If I'm gone more than an hour, I message during the time I'm gone as well, unless it is a situation where I cannot, like a job interview. I message to tell him when I return home. We tease, we flirt, we laugh, we just send boring messages, we...well, we live as a couple who text often when they are apart.

When I am online, I wear a small metal plug with a jeweled end, which he calls the jewel. I wear my slave number on my body all the time. I *was* wearing my collar at home all the time, but since he prefers a true dog's collar over any other type, it could have become embarrassing if I had opened the door wearing it or gone to town with it on. I did, once, and he happened to ask if I had taken it off - I got the message while I was on the way to town so I was grateful, believe me! So now I only wear it if he tells me to.

My rules are ... I won't say easy to follow, but I will say that they are designed to suit me and my lifestyle very well. They are intrusive enough into my daily life to keep him uppermost in my mind, but not so intrusive that I am in danger of discovery or cannot function as woman, mother, employee, friend, daughter. They are specific to me, except the "no cumming without permission" rule. He is the ruler of my pleasure, as he has been every slave he has ever owned. My rules have come about as he has gotten to know me and to understand my life, my routine, my circumstances. They change as he sees fit, as my life, routine, and circumstances change. Our relationship, like any successful relationship, is fluid within its structure of M/s.

I have asked him to hold me accountable for diet or exercise, but he has chosen not to go that route. I'm not totally sure why, even though I know it's a major responsibility when he cannot be here. I also should be able to do these things freely - to offer what I know would please him tremendously. But some things....for some reason....that is not enough of a motivation. That is hard to admit, of course, especially publicly. But it is what it is, and I cannot seem to make it change. If he were here, or I were there, it would be different I think. With circumstances being what they are, it is not different. That is why I asked to be held accountable. I don't like the idea of being punished for not exercising, but since his pleasure (positive reinforcement) doesn't seem to motivate me, then it may take punishment to do so. Maybe I could ask about using our "punishment jar" on my own, if I don't exercise a certain number of days per week. Self-punishment? But I could not do so without his permission, and it would also keep him from having to micromanage my exercise from an ocean away, so....I don't know, maybe it is worth thinking about, offering as an option when I bring it up again. We'll see.

The punishment jar is really a box now. It holds several punishments that Padrone and I thought of together (mostly him, I'm not good at thinking of punishments). They are specific to me, and would probably not work well for others. And I've never actually had to use them, thank God, but how it works is this: If I do something he deems punishable with a more serious punishment than writing lines or wearing green, then I am to pick a punishment from the box at random (they are folded so I cannot tell which is which). They are fairly equal in severity but are different in form. For instance, there is physical punishment (bread and water for dinner type things), mental punishment (BOREDOM), and emotional punishment (humiliating tasks). Since I would not know which I am picking from the box, and neither would he of course, it is one of those situations where he has already done the work of thinking of punishments, and I have no reason to feel resentment or anything because of the punishment itself. He doesn't have to try to balance severity of offense with severity of punishment, it is already done because he would only use that method for the most severe of infractions. Since I work hard at being respectful and rarely even contemplate deliberate disobedience, those punishments will hopefully remain in their box! And btw, that is why I have been thinking of asking for accountability with exercising again - because if it is a rule, then I will do all I can not to disobey. Sometimes offering is not enough.

The rest of my days are typically boring and peaceful lately. Chores, laundry, cooking more healthy dinners, reading, long baths, and talking with family make up the majority of my days that aren't focused on Padrone. And it is that focus on him that allows us to have what we have, and to be happy with one another for as long as we have been. It hasn't always been that way, of course. We have had our fair share of growing pains, of fussing and arguing, of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. But at the end of the day, we love each other and choose to spend our time with each other as much as possible, rather than totally apart simply because we don't live together.

So, I'm not sure how well I have put some of these things, or how well they will be received by the only one who matters. I'll find that out in a few minutes!

Padrone, a lot of what I typed here isn't new, but the reason for typing it this way is, I think. I feel as if revealing things here will open myself up to you even more than I already am, and by typing things that aren't necessarily all positive, I am being publicly more vulnerable and intimate. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I am only trying to explain things that are in my heart and mind, which is not always clear as well you know! I just know that it feels right, Padrone, and I hope you understand and approve. I love you, il Padrone mio, with all that I am. Bacio.

Back in the Saddle, Thank Goodness!

Finally I am back online, back from vacations, and once more poised and enthused about a job search. Unfortunately, this enthusiasm happens to be during a holiday week. For those of you in the US, you understand that means that very few administrators and even fewer district office personnel will be in their offices in the first place. Interviews and hiring will likely be way down on the bottom of their priority list, I'm sure.

But due to a Facebook group I belong to (fans of Alabama football), I have made a connection with the headmaster of a private school in Alabama who is looking for a teacher to teach both History (Social Studies) and English/Language Arts. She's also looking for a girls' sports coach and while I might be able to coach softball, I know absolutely NOTHING about basketball or volleyball, so she'll have to hire a part time coach if she hires me. Apparently the only other viable candidate would require the same, but s/he isn't even qualified to teach ELA so that might give me a bit of an edge. We'll see.

I spent a few days at the beach again this year. Oh man, I am SO ready to go back! We sat on the deck of our house and watched the dolphins play most mornings! And went to the zoo and played goofy golf, cooked for the entire crew one evening, swam and floated on "boogie boards", went shopping LATE one evening at the cheesy tourist trap shops, and in general had a wonderful time. Daughter wants us and two of her friends to go back one weekend in August! Wouldn't that be fun? I haven't yet mentioned it to Padrone, except here of course. :D

And that leads me to the other part of the reason I haven't been here recently. My internet has been out for several weeks, while I was disconnected quite suddenly by my previous provider who chose not to support my type of internet anymore. I researched and chose another provider, and it was installed yesterday! It's fast, and although it is limited in data transfer amounts, there is a "free download zone" each night from midnight - 5 am. I'll use the heck out of it if I can figure out how to schedule downloads!

So we've had Voxer and email, pretty much. To Skype I have had to go to town and we've done that now and then but the contact has been very limited for pretty much the entire month of June. Lordy I missed that man! It also made me a bit forgetful, and I have written probably 1,000 lines lately for missing messages or emails. The messages are probably the most difficult, because we will have conversations via Voxer, and when I think of messaging I just remember our conversations and smile and don't realize how much time has passed since the last message, and so I miss them. That isn't the only reason, of course, since I get involved with a book or something and don't notice the time passing often. So, I have to refocus and do so quickly so my line-writing is put to an end soon!

And I am trying very hard to organize my house the way I want it since the kids have (pretty much) moved out. I am finally converting the school room into a laundry room of sorts (can't move washer/dryer without major renovations, so I'm just setting up a folding/hanging/ironing area). I'm making the back unused bathroom into a storage area for holiday decorations. The bedroom attached to it will be a guest room as well as my "office/reading room". The front bedroom will be another guest bedroom, and will also house the things for my classroom during the summers, as well as a "craft area" with my sewing stuff and other various and sundry project items available. I haven't crafted in a long time, because of the space demands required, but now I'll have space!

And I started all this organization yesterday by decluttering my dining room. It looks soooooooo good! The next room I'll attack will be the school room, so that I can start using it for its intended purposes soon. I had cleaned out the back bedroom, but I was going about things backwards, and thinking of comfort before utility. I NEED the laundry space; I don't NEED the guest bedroom/office/reading room just now.

So, it's been a busy but pleasant summer so far. I feel better physically and will continue to feel better as the levels of required nutrients in my body continues to rise. The only bad part of the summer is that I haven't found a job yet. It's a bit worrisome in general, and I tend to get a bit down about it at times, but overall I do realize that many districts go on a major hiring spree in July. So, we'll see.

I am SO glad to have internet back so Padrone and I can refocus on each other and the D/s dynamic. He has missed it too, I know. I'm just hopeful that Skype will work on this connection and we can use it now and then from home! Mmmmmmm....sounds amazing! I know he'll have me suffer for him soon, and the surrender and control will be firmly refocused, and the peace and joy will spread through my heart and mind in the beautiful way that only D/s can do. It is such a beautiful thing to give all I have, all I am, to my Padrone, and to know that he loves what I give and will take care of me when I am at my most vulnerable. That, to me, is what trust in a relationship is all about.

Padrone, I am so glad we are back in regular, consistent contact once more. I missed this with you, more than I can say. Even now, just blogging because I know you enjoy my blog posts, is putting my mind at ease and giving me a calm, peaceful feeling that I only get through submission - submitting the way you enjoy so well, by offering what I know pleases you even if it is not technically required of me. I am smiling as I imagine you reading this and smiling yourself. I am so glad, so very grateful, to be yours, my Padrone.

Happy 8 Years, Padrone

I cannot type much tonight because I am without Internet for a while and typing on my phone. I just wanted to say Happy Anniversary to my Padrone, who allowed me to beg for his control 8 years ago today.

eight years of joy, trials, love, heartache, laughter and fulfillment. We are two incredibly blessed people.

We're Baaack!

Well, the dreaded vacations are over (for now a least)! We both survived, and enjoyed for the most part. I worked, doing things for my parents that they cannot do themselves and my brother and sister in law who live nearby don't do for them. I also relaxed and enjoyed myself, overall. I felt a tiny bit smothered but nothing like it usually is when I'm there.

Padrone felt the lack of control over his own choices that often comes with vacationing with others, no matter how easygoing everyone is. He was in a beautiful spot in northern Italy, and walked enough for a year (his words, not mine!), but otherwise enjoyed his stay.

We're both glad to be home though!

While I was gone I had two interviews for three positions since one school had two positions open that I am qualified for. I felt good about the interviews, better about one than the other, and I hope to hear something about them soon. I also found out that there are two Sped positions available in the neighboring state. The salary range for that state would mean that I would make $10,000 more per year than I do now (including the addition of Masters degree). I'll pay the $30 application fee for that for sure!

That's it for now. I'm without internet at home, sitting in McDonald's at the moment, and a very good friend who doesn't know about this part of my life just came in.

Padrone, I adore you!

Long Distance Humiliation - Proceed with Caution!

I've been thinking a bit more lately. I guess when I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I can think a bit more clearly, go figure.

Someone may wonder what types of things can be done to humiliate long distance. And first, I MUST say two things: 1) humiliation in general should never be attempted unless/until a deep level of trust in each other has been attained, and 2) long distance humiliation requires even MORE trust, because the Dom must trust that the submissive is actually doing what she is told to do, and also the submissive must trust that the Dom will not try too much, too soon and cause her to freak out or something.

So, the first step is to get to know each other very well first. Understand that, while calling a girl a bitch or a slut or a cunt is quite mild in the realm of D/s (overall), those are really not very nice words to call a girl in general. I still despise being called cunt - it has some negative emotions attached to it for me. And honestly, the word bitch has never been sexual at all for me, it's been just an ugly name that's thrown around in arguments, until Padrone. So be careful. You never know what will trigger a negative response, and when you are long distance, the negative response could have some serious and far-reaching consequences.

Start on the phone or in email rather than with independent types of humiliation. By that I mean, even if you want her to do something physical, have her do it while you are on the phone so you can judge her response, her reaction, and the after effects of it. But be careful - it can be quite tempting to go too far if you can perceive no negative aspects of what you have done. Give it time. Women, especially submissive women, can get so caught up in pleasing you that they either ignore or don't communicate anything that may stop you from getting the pleasure you get from humiliation play. And we also need time to recover, to process, to ask for reassurance 1000 times, and to move to a deeper level of trust that you still want her even if you call her "ugly" names or have her do things that are embarrassing or humiliating.

When (IF) you move into more independent types of humiliation, do so again with tremendous caution. Padrone has me do things that I absolutely HATE, but he gradually worked up to them, and had to trust that I was doing them so it took a lot of time to build to that level of trust. I don't have to prove anything to him, but I felt the need to at one point simply to prove myself trustworthy. But he knows human nature quite well, and he could often tell by my responses to the things he was asking me to do that I was actually doing them. No, I never did things on cam for him. No, I never took pics of myself doing them. (or maybe I did, but it wasn't a requirement by any means) And if you can't trust that your submissive does what you ask her to do, then maybe you don't trust her as deeply as you should for long distance humiliation.

Maybe what Padrone and I have together is more mental than most people can accept. Many people give lip service to how important the mental aspects of D/s are, but few truly understand or practice the mentality of it. So many feel that a physical relationship is more important, and I feel that the physical simply expresses the mental that is there. So for me to do the things Padrone requires of me in terms of humiliating tasks, it is simply an expression of the intimacy and the control and the surrender that is *already* present in our relationship. It is NOT a means of obtaining that control and surrender!

So what are these things that are done to humiliate me long distance? I guess pretty much the same things that are done in person, in a lot of ways. I have had a brush up my ass, wagging my "tail". I have barked like a dog, yapped like a little puppy (I still remember VIVIDLY the first time I did that - it took forever for me to get the little yapping out, and lots of tears and encouraging from Padrone). I have squealed like a pig. I have worn lipstick on my cunt lips. I have written words on my body. I daily wear my slave number on my body somewhere. I have worn the "brush tail" and lapped water from a bowl. I have crawled to fetch toys. I have been called names that, while are EXTREMELY nasty in italian, have become almost terms of endearment because of how pretty they sound phonetically. I have been called names in english that have felt like a kick in the tummy at times - even if Padrone doesn't think they are as expressive as the italian terms. There is one word in italian that I think sounds very pretty, but Padrone has said that if an italian heard him calling me that, they would wonder why because it is SUCH a truly BAD word to call anyone. But it's an endearment to me, most of the time, even though I know what it means. He can call me the english equivalent and I'm in that humiliation mindset immediately because I know what he wants and needs from me.

But that humiliation mindset is not always possible, either. If emotions are far too close to the surface, for instance, humiliation may not be the best thing for the submissive, even if you have a burning need for it. Humiliation is such an emotional thing for the person being humiliated, that it is not always a good thing to do. That sounds so basic, but frankly, I have had to end relationships before because the Dom could not understand that...well...that it truly ISN'T all about him.

Which brings me to the most important aspect of long distance humiliation. Well, a long distance relationship of any sort actually. It isn't all about either of us. Balance, balance, balance. See, one thing that Padrone brought into our relationship that it took a while for me to get used to, AND to trust, was that he has a deep level of understand of just what it means to have a long distance relationship. In other words, he knew that he had to get to know me and my lifestyle and my circumstances in order for his needs to be met. He is quite flexible in his thinking and can think of alternate ways to get what he wants and needs from me. He does not have a set of rules that "His slave" will or will not do, such as dress a certain way or whatever. He understands that I am an individual, and while he would love things that I cannot provide because of my life, he has found ways to get his needs met in ways that I can provide.

But it isn't all about HIM. Padrone has a saying - a happy slave serves better. We slaves often don't want to think about our Masters giving to us simply to make us happy, but that's a part of any SUCCESSFUL relationship. If Padrone didn't make an effort to make me happy, and assumed that all I need to be happy is the chance to serve him and make HIM happy, then guess what? I ain't gonna be happy! I need to know that he cares about me, not simply about a romanticized version of D/s and what a "slave needs" and such as that.

A long distance relationship is not a fairy tale, if it is a successful one at least. And I think that with ours lasting 8 years, and each of us very happy in it, I can call ours successful. It takes work, communication, understanding, and sacrifice on BOTH sides, ESPECIALLY if humiliation is brought into the relationship.

Padrone, the more I think about what works in our relationship, the more grateful I become for you being who you are. You may be arrogant and have a big ego, but the fact that you can patiently wait for me to reach the point that I can do what you want and give what you need has probably been the most important factor to the success of our relationship. You put your own needs on hold while working towards a level of intimacy and connection that neither of us thought possible, and that is what made meeting your deep needs possible. I still don't think I can type "your deepest needs", because I have a very strong feeling that you have even stronger, deeper, darker needs that you have not expressed to me yet. Some of those may not be possible to meet long distance, and that is understandable. And some you will express when you feel is the right time. I trust you to know me, to "read" me, and to open me to your will - as you do so wonderfully and so beautifully, even through humiliation.

Thank you, Padrone, for being the man you are and making me so extremely happy. Thank you for wanting my happiness as much as I crave yours. Is it any wonder that I adore you with all that I am, my love? I am, indeed, yours.

The Dreaded Vacations!

I've been thinking lately, go figure. It's been good thinking, though. :)

Padrone is on vacation, reluctantly. I am laughing as I type that since he is a major homebody and even being offered a free vacation to the beautiful Italian mountains was not enticing for him! He will enjoy it far more than he thinks, but of course after raising such a ruckus about it (with me, not with the generous offerers), he'll complain a bit when he gets home - lol.

I am so glad he is on vacation. Not that I want to have such limited contact with him, but I do know that changing scenery can often be a nice shot in the arm, even for people as even-keeled as Padrone. And even though all the fresh air and GREEN may choke and blind him, it's my firm belief that he'll come home rested mentally and physically, and be quite glad he went.

Of course, I could be wrong, and he could be glad to get home to bricks and fog, but hey, I've been wrong before!

I plan to go visit my parents this week while he is gone, so our crazy schedules will have a shorter effect than if we went at different times. The problem right now is that due to a miscommunication with my doctor's office and pharmacy, I was off of some of the medicines that have helped me so tremendously since I started taking them. It is taking a bit of time for me to get them back into my system, and I keep yawning and yawning and feeling the incredible lethargy I felt for so long. A month isn't long enough for them to be in my system fully enough that taking almost a week of won't make me start over again - or feel like it anyway.

So I may wait until Tuesday before I go. My mom wants me to help her move some books from storage into her house, and as a reward I can get some books she has already read! Yay! And since Padrone so graciously granted permission for me to go on my own "free" beach vacation, I have my entertainment already lined up! What can I say, I am amazingly low-maintenance!

And what I've been thinking about lately is the fact that Padrone and I have been together for 8 years now. 8 years. We have been through some terrible times, and some joyous times as well. I have literally fallen apart several times, and if it weren't for Padrone to hold me together, I would probably have given up altogether a long time ago.

I give Padrone what he needs as well. He hasn't fallen apart or anything, but I have made his life better, and have made him so incredibly happy. Even my silliness offers him a means to exert his control and to lead and guide me, and for me to show the adoration I feel for him - all of which he needs. He loves obedience and the overt expression of his control. We fit so beautifully together, and I love it. I love him.

So, Padrone, while you breathe the toxic fresh air and take in the noxious green color of nature, just know that your slave, your schiava, adores you with all she is and can't wait to tease you more about your hated vacation! My Padrone, I am so GLAD to be yours!

Thinking and Thinking

So much has happened with Padrone and me lately, and I want to type it out but I don't know where to start! I guess I will begin with the newest rule Padrone has given me.

My collar is one which I cannot wear all the time, for various reasons. And Padrone has never been that concerned with me wearing it or not - it has been available whenever he has wanted me to put it on. But now I have a new rule - to wear my collar whenever I am home and don't have people around. That's totally new, and I am grateful for it!

Since school has been out, I've been in a bit of an introspective mood in general, I guess. Since getting my Masters, I have come to a crossroads in my career and I admit that I am totally unsure of how and where to go from here. But Padrone is so good at seeing things so clearly, and we talked for a bit yesterday and that helped tremendously! I still have a lot of thinking to do, of course, but I am not chasing so many rabbits as I was, thank goodness!

We keep getting closer and closer. It amazes me so often, in such a good way. I will miss this man next week, when our communication is limited because of vacations. And for the first time in several years, I am not taking courses over the summer (still feels strange), so we will have more time than usual all summer long. That feels so good, except I won't have much to talk about - lol.

Padrone, most of what I have wanted to say to you lately I have said via email, so you know my deepest thoughts of course. You know my worries and my scattered thoughts, and you know how safe and guided I feel with your very wonderful control. I love how well our lives, our desires, and our needs seem to fit together, except when my horniness fades so suddenly - lol. Bottom line, I love *you* and am so grateful to be yours, forever. Grazie, il Padrone mio.

Appreciation

'Nuff said.

Beating the Drum

I was thinking of my students today, on the last day of school with them. I have been hugged, received hand-written notes, and given sweet little gifts for a couple of weeks, as my leaving hit them in waves and at different times. Each of them dealt with the future without me in their lives in totally different ways. The tough boy who gave me hell at the first of the year literally clung to me - literally - and cried when he said goodbye. Some tended to ignore it until their last day then they hugged and got emotional, showing it in vastly different ways. One gave me a rose and kissed my cheek (he's 10 years old, get your mind outta the gutter!). One wouldn't look at me at all. One gave me the "gift" of good behavior for an entire class period! One gave me a picture every day for several days. So many ways to let me know that I have made an impact in their young lives, each one as unique as the child who offered it.

Each one as unique as my relationship with the young person himself.

My students often march to the beat of different drummers, and while I am sometimes able to lead them in a melodious tune, pleasing to those who judged us based on their behaviors, often I was simply the ineffective conductor futilely trying to get off-key instruments to find any tune at all. They each have their own sets of challenges, of circumstances, and of abilities - and there are some things which will not change no matter how much I would love to change it for them. But after all, who am *I* to make those decisions for them? They have parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters - loved ones who raise them the best they can, given their knowledge, finances, and belief systems.

And so, while I would make different choices for them if I were the one who controlled their lives, it is ultimately none of my business how they live, as long as they are in school and striving to learn the academics which it is my job to teach.

Some of my kids will grow up to live on welfare. That is not a judgment, it is a very realistic expectation based upon their abilities and the values that have been taught to them. Several of them will grow up to have nice productive lives with jobs that enable them to have a decent living. Some will get a 2 year degree or vocational trade training, and one or two may even graduate from a 4 year degree. It will depend upon choices they make, options they see, and belief in themselves and their abilities. I have done all I could in this one year to be able to show them possibilities rather than hindrances, but now the baton has passed to other teachers. I hope they don't drop it and allow the circle of dependence to continue, at least for those who have the ability to go beyond what they have ever dreamed they could do.

But all I could do during the time they were mine is to love them, correct them, and believe in them. Now I will remember them and pray for them with fondness.

But what really struck me today was how easy it is to accept that each of my students marches to their own drummer, and to relate to each individual student in unique ways. I believe with all my heart that it is that ability to accept and adjust that has allowed me to be the slave I am to Padrone, even though we have never met physically. See, touch is nice, but it is simply touch. Intimacy is far more wonderful than a physical touch, and can be gained in so many ways that have nothing to do with physicality. I became, for several months, one of the most important people in my students' lives simply because I loved them and opened my heart and mind to them. I do the same, on a much deeper level of course, with Padrone. So our drumbeat is a bit different from that of a "typical" relationship. Whatever our beat is, it makes me happier than I have ever been in my life.

Padrone, one more time (I hope) for the job hunt. Thank you for being so incredibly understanding of all that goes on here. Your support has led me to believe even more fully in myself, and has eased a lot of the worry that has always been such an intrinsic part of my life. No matter how I long to be with you physically, I would never trade what we have together for any physical relationship! I am yours, no matter the geographical circumstances, my heart, mind, and body are totally and forever yours. I adore you with all that I am, my Padrone, and all that I will become. Simply and wonderfully yours.

Yesterday's Post

****I wrote this yesterday but my internet failed me and I had to wait until now to post.****

Just spent a wonderful day with my adult children. It was so nice - the first I have shared with both of them in quite some time. Daughter had to work but son and I went to eat so she could wait on us (lucky her). But it wasn't long until she came home and we hung pictures and laughed and talked and just had a wonderful time! I left earlier than I might have otherwise, but she had friends coming over and he had plans with a girl he's "talking to", and it must be just about a real relationship (as opposed to a fantasy one, I guess) because he actually told me about her - lol.

So only one more week of work, and 1.6 more days of school with the kids. I'm ready for it to be finished, so I can rest, relax, and enjoy my summer off! I am truly enjoying being a teacher. I love seeing the students where they are now, and realizing where they came from, and accepting that at least a large portion of their growth has come about as a result of my influence upon them. It is an absolutely wonderful feeling, and so fulfilling. It was worth waiting all these years to experience, for sure.

So I haven't had a chance to talk with Padrone today other than a few voxer messages and I miss him. But now that we've been together almost 8 years I think missing seeing each other is not the end of the world. :) He'll be going out of town soon, and I'll be going to my parents' while he is gone so our crazy schedules will be crazy within the same time frame. Then I wait to see if I'll be allowed to go to the beach again this year or not. I loved the beach itself last year, but being confined and expected to spend so much time with a big group of people is not my idea of fun. I love these people, but didn't know how to say no when I didn't want to do stuff. That means, of course, that I either spend a lot of time alone or doing stuff I don't particularly care to do. Oh well, it's my own problem, and one that I hope to discuss with the matriarch of the family if Padrone allows me to go!

Padrone put the punishment back into our relationship after I begged for it, as I mentioned a few weeks ago. Last week he reinstated the "punishment jar" idea (but mine is in a jewelry box). He came up with several punishments with different focuses - mental, physical, humiliation - and I wrote them down on small slips of paper and put them in the box. When I need to be punished above the "smaller" punishments, what I will do is to pick one from the box and then do whatever it says. They are NOT easy to do, in any way, which is the definition of punishment in the first place. They are also a very real deterrent and preventive measure, because they are in my mind and the box is a physical reminder of the consequences of disobedience. I hate being punished even more than Padrone hates punishing me, so it is my hope that I never mess up badly enough to have to suffer those particular consequences.

Padrone, I am so grateful for your control, even when you don't feel it overtly. Our conversation about that is still in the fertile recesses of my mind, and I'm sure there will be a blog post about it sooner or later. Thank you for all you do, to me, for me, with me. You are so special, Padrone, and I am one incredibly lucky and blessed woman, happier than I have ever been in my life. I love you, and I am so totally, amazingly, yours.

Another Quickie

Just a couple of things I found that I like.

Back to my little fantasy world!

Finally Made It!!!

I felt Padrone's immense pride and love for me full force yesterday. It was such a wonderful, beautiful feeling, and I was so at peace with myself, with him, with us, with life. I finally graduated yesterday with my Masters in Education! It was such a long time coming but I think that made it more worthwhile. I enjoyed my graduation day, and Padrone was able to watch me walk across the stage via online streaming, which made it even *more* special! My kids were there too, so my day was complete.

I am still job hunting again, but have had a couple of interviews so far. I still have to send applications all over the place, as usual, but it will be incredibly nice to send them with my education updated to "M.Ed."!

I'll find the right place for me, eventually. I'm not the kind of person for whom geography is all-important when it comes to commuting to and from a job. So that frees me up a bit in terms of where I am looking. I don't mind driving a half an hour, or 45 minutes to a job, or even an hour if the job is a good fit for me. I'm not too awfully concerned about it this year, for some reason.

After graduation, daughter and I went to Olive Garden and it was PACKED, but we had the best time! We laughed until we cried, and got some pics to put on Facebook so family and friends can be jealous! Son had to leave after I walked the stage so he would not be late for work since the traffic was horrendous of course!

One highlight of my day yesterday - we were in line, waiting to walk in for the ceremony, and we were chit chatting about where we were all from, etc. The woman in front of me, getting her Masters in Social Work, said "I'm from (incredibly small redneck town)and my boob is vibrating!" It took us a shocked moment to realize she had her phone in her bra!!!!

On to health news. I can't remember, and I'm too lazy to go back and check to see if I have talked about some of the "new" issues going on with me. But the last time I went to the doctor she told me she was going to run a ton of blood tests to check for just about everything. And come to find out, most of what she checked needed correcting. So I am currently taking iron tablets, B12, Synthroid for low thyroid functioning, and D3 for "pathetically low" Vitamin D levels. I was a bit surprised by that, because I live in "the tropics" as Padrone says, and while I don't drink milk, I would have thought the amount of sunshine I am exposed to daily would be enough to keep my levels up. But apparently not, and when I googled Vitamin D deficiency it was almost eerie because I had every single one of the symptoms, but attributed all of them to getting older. Even all the kidney issues I have had could be due to low VitD levels, which would be absolutely wonderful if true!

So I'll likely be on Synthroid or another thyroid medication for the rest of my life. That's alright if it helps me feel better! And I do feel better, overall. I'm more able to think clearly, and to recover when something I do requires a major amount of focus. There have been times when I have come home from work, or stopped working on my portfolio, or even after an intense scene with Padrone and I literally had to go lie down because the mental effort was physically exhausting. I thought it was stress, and I am still sure stress plays a part in it of course, but the foggy thinking has cleared for the most part, and my "sassiness" is coming back and I'm glad of those two things more than anything else.

So, other than the lovely notes my students are leaving on my boards telling me how much they will miss me, and the notes they are writing on paper that I am keeping as treasured memories of my "kids", school is going well. There are only 7 more days in the school year, and an additional 3 professional development days after that, so I have two weeks of school left until I am out for the summer! This week we have 3 days of state testing, however, so the kids cannot cruise on outta there just yet. Once they have finished the state testing, it won't matter if they return or not (the Sped kids who are self-contained) as we have already given 9 weeks tests and there will be very little for them to do, other than to help me pack and clean the room! Believe it or not, my kids LOVE doing stuff like that, and have even offered to come on the weekends if I need for them to! They are some absolutely wonderful kids, or some of them are. Some are great kids with severe behavior issues that make them more difficult to love. I know we're supposed to separate the behavior from the kid, but with some of them it is more difficult to do than with others. Just like adults.

And that brings me to another topic, one that is close to my heart. I hear often about being non-judgmental. I hear it touted as the "only" way to teach, to reach students, to relate to adults, to live life successfully. Frankly, I believe it is an absolute impossibility, and refuse to feel guilty if I make judgments about others.

See, we *all* judge, but we don't all *act* on those judgments. Even my daughter, who is probably the person who would reflect the least judgment of anyone you would ever meet in your life, agrees with me. Even she judges, she says, but she tries very hard not to act in a judgmental manner. It is as Padrone has always told me, our behavior that others see and will react to, not our feelings.

So in my teaching, I try hard to hug even the most problematic kid, and to smile at the one who likely got me into more trouble by HIS behavior than any other student in my classes, and to "hang out" at the desk of the shy quiet kids who need a bit of extra attention, and to compliment the students who are motivated to push themselves harder than they ever have, and...well, you get the idea. I love all my kids, but there are a few whose behaviors drive me absolutely insane and I honestly wish they were not in my class. And yes, they know that I don't like their behaviors, but they do NOT know that I wish they were not in my class. And I am always quite careful to make sure they know that I love THEM even if I don't like their behaviors!

Call me judgmental if you want to. :)

Padrone, thank you for all you have done to enable me to get my Masters. I would never have even begun the process without your urging me to do so in the first place. So long ago ... getting my teachers license ... I was terrified, nervous, scared to fail, and totally overwhelmed. Such a shoulder you offered me even though you knew nothing about the topics I was stressed about, you were able to help me see the forest for the trees and focus on the big picture instead of getting caught up in minutiae. Since then, all the upsets, the tears, the struggles would likely have stopped the process entirely if it had not been for you. Tears are streaming down my face now as I strive to find the words to tell you just how large a part of my successes you have played, because while I know you realize you have been a major influence, I don't think you realize that you were often the only reason I persevered.

Hearing your pride, feeling the love and pride from you yesterday and even still today, has made it all worthwhile. That, my love, is my greatest reward. Thank you, my Padrone. I am yours.

Long Distance Life

I miss that man so much lately!

Everything is fine between us, and frankly we've been talking as much as usual, but I miss what I have never had with him - physical touch. I don't often crave it like I have lately, but since we have been so emotionally close, it has almost automatically transcended into the desire for physical closeness. I tell him how much I would love to touch him often, but more often it doesn't even need to be said. It simply is.

And of course when life gets in the way and we cannot talk as usual, it makes me miss him even more!

I don't have a lot to write today, about D/s I mean. It is, it fulfills, it satisfies us as it always has - long distance or not. Long distance is not easy, by any means, but it is extremely possible and worthwhile with the right people committed to each other enough to do what it takes to make it work. I am devoutly grateful that Padrone has shown his commitment repeatedly, and that he sees mine equally as often. We are balanced in need, commitment, desires and kinkiness, which is probably one of the most important factors in our successful relationship. Let's' face it, if we had not been so balanced (or at least been able to find and maintain that balance) then there is no way we could have stayed together as long as we have! It is almost 8 years that I have worn this man's collar, and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. That is saying something, considering we have never even met!

I took the day off work today to go job hunting. I graduate a week from tomorrow, and I am SOOOOOOOOO excited! I feel as if I have been working towards this day for longer than the 3 years it has taken for me to get here, but once I get that degree (and the raise), it will be totally worth it all!

I feel a lot more optimistic and confident about being hired again next year now that I actually talked with some people. I've reached the point that I'm not going to beg for a job, but I'll do my best to be hired. I've learned a lot about what type of school fits with how I teach, and it is vitally important that I find a good fit. My casual, cooperative learning, small group, borderline chaotic methods do not fit with the high-discipline, almost militaristic attitude of the current administration where I teach. So life goes on, job hunt moves forward!

And, I have also been diagnosed with low everything, it seems. I have low iron, B12, thyroid function and Vitamin D levels. So I've started supplements and will hopefully begin B12 shots tomorrow too, and synthroid as well. The thyroid thing runs in my family so I wasn't so surprised by that. I was, however, surprised by the rest. But it should not be very long until I feel much better and can stay up past 7:30 pm! (actually not joking)

Padrone, you incredible loving man, all I can say is that I am the luckiest girl in the whole USA (old song, sorry. Daughter hates when I turn everything into a song, but guess who does it herself now? Muahaahaaa). Yes, I'm rambling. Yes, I can hear you laughing. :)

I am all yours, silliness and all, you lucky man you!!!

Short and Simple

I am officially job hunting again.

It's hard not to be a bit down about it, but if there isn't a good fit between teacher and administration, something has to change. I'm learning that I'm a far more easygoing teacher than I thought I would be, and honestly if I could simply get away with a lot of reading to fulfill requirements, that is what I would do! And I may, depending on the school where I end up. I believe that well-written books (key words well-written) can be used to teach so many aspects of our language, culture, geography, history, and more science than one might imagine, and it is a shame that we have categorized so much of our teaching into "subject-shaped boxes". To me, that is a huge shame, because I believe that students can learn about life situations and how to apply what they learn to all aspects of their lives by generalization rather than by learning in Language Arts what a noun is, in Social Studies which explorer when where, in science about the solar system, etc. Why not use a book such as The Witch of Blackbird Pond and teach exploration, colonial history, astrology and solar system, AND parts of speech all using one resource? Students can quite easily understand how things fit together in life that way, and their generalization skills would benefit them throughout their education!

Alright, I'm off my soapbox now.

This school was not designed for the type of teacher that I am, I have learned. I am the teacher with bean bags and a reading corner complete with overflowing bookcase and rug for comfort. I have a myriad of puzzles and Legos to stimulate cognitive functioning. I have word games that the students love to do. I purchased a hub so that my students could have internet access at sites allowed by the district's filters. I made a "dice" to have a "life sized board game". I was the first to have my students do commercials when they learned about tools of persuasion. I am the teacher that laughs at myself so students might learn that life can be fun even if they are "different". And I am the teacher whose heart will break when it comes time to say goodbye to this particular bunch of kids.

Because leave I must. I don't teach students sitting in rows, silent like robots with worksheets and pencils in their hands. I cannot and will not teach that way.

It's been a long, emotional time lately. And I feel as if I have neglected Padrone immensely. It's always something.

On a positive note, my portfolio is finished as far as I am concerned. I have heard from my supervising professor and she said that except for "minor tweaks" I'm finished, but I haven't yet heard what she feels needs to be "tweaked". Because of that, and the fact that it is time to turn it in, I am saying I'm finished. What an incredible feeling! I KNOW I passed it this time. It is just a FAR better example of what I can do, know, and believe than the last one was - but this time I had support and supervision. Guess what. I NEED that as a student, go figure!

But it would still be in my head if Padrone hadn't made the website for me!

Needless to say there hasn't been a lot of overtly D/s stuff going on lately. Padrone even gave me a wonderful gift last weekend - of relaxation and not thinking about being used. It was truly wonderful, I admit, and I am a supremely blessed woman. I am so grateful for all your gifts, Padrone, but that one was incredibly special to me and the gratitude is still deep and strong even if I haven't mentioned it much this week. Thank you for taking care of your schiava, il Padrone mio, in so many, many ways. I am wonderfully, proudly, gratefully yours.

Punishment, Revisited

Well, my Masters program is coming to an end, but not quite yet. I have the rough draft of my portfolio completed, and sent to Padrone for him to put on the website for review by the "Readers". That sounds so intimidating, doesn't it?! But I do have to rewrite some of the introduction and wait for my supervising professor to read and edit it all, make any changes needed, then submit it before Friday, or Saturday, or.....well I've been given several dates, so I'm going with Friday here. I'd MUCH rather be safe than sorry.

I am also going to be looking for a job at another school in our district, or another district entirely. Or maybe another state since I live close to a state line. The administrator who seems to have a personal vendetta against me has simply made things intolerable and this will be my one and only year there.

But I can say that I have been effective teaching my students. Their reading levels improved, some by 1 or 2 grade levels! They are comparable with general education classes in the subjects I teach, and I have been extremely pleased and proud of all my kids for their efforts. I will miss these little boogers!

And I have had some time of introspection today since I forgot to do something yesterday and was punished today for it. (haven't yet done the punishment, but even just knowing I have to is a yucky feeling)I also have to make sure I go to town and do it today. I don't mind, I just have to *remember* to do it.

But when I was unexpectedly punished, I felt that little bubble of resentment build up in me and I paused to ponder why for a moment. Not long, but long enough to know that if I was grateful for his willingness to resume punishing me when it was first mentioned a few weeks ago, then I am still grateful for it now even if I don't want to be punished.

Resentment will happen with punishment, that's for sure. I used to think it was more a case of my own issues with the "perfect slave syndrome", then I started thinking it was more that I am not a child (that started as I gained confidence in my school and career). Now I understand that it is more that I dislike feeling judged and being found lacking. It is difficult for me to understand that most comments that are made regarding me or my performance in whatever area of my life someone may feel the need to criticize, truly are not personal comments. I make absolutely sure that I differentiate between person and behavior with my students, yet somehow I cannot make myself understand that if I make bad choices (or forget), then there will be negative consequences attached.

I know, it's one of those things we should have learned as children, and intellectually I know it. But for some reason, I am emotionally stunted in a lot of ways and it drives me insane. I can only imagine what it must be like for Padrone to have to deal with me when I'm behaving like a whiny-butt baby.

But today....

Today, when he announced my punishment, I pondered...I hated the resentment and hated feeling angry (I mean, I had my PORTFOLIO on my mind yesterday! Doesn't he understand how consuming that was? Why can't he just tell me to make sure I do it today instead of making me write lines?). But suddenly it dawned on me that I had asked for it. I remembered the huge relief I felt when Padrone chose to once again exert his authority via punishments. And I suddenly realized that I was still relieved. I thanked Padrone for caring enough to punish me. That wasn't easy to do but it helped me to just...accept and move on.

It's still difficult to call myself reckless and resist internalizing that label, though, I admit. Maybe I should ask if I could write "This slave will be more careful to do what she says she will do" instead. Hmmmm....

Padrone, I know it's frustrating to you that I have such issues about such simple things. You are so incredibly patient with me, far more than I deserve (or so *I* feel anyway). But you know what? I finally get one thing - you put up with me, you help me, you support me, you make websites for my portfolio - simply because you love me as much as I love you. I am the luckiest woman in the world.

Spring Break, Continued, and Extras

So it's been a couple of weeks since Spring Break, and although I had planned to type a second installment of my Spring Break week, I think I'll incorporate it with the rest of what I planned to talk about today.

First school. I am down to the wire on my portfolio, but I don't have much more to do than to update the reflections and put everything in the exact order in which it will be turned in. Padrone is going to put it all on a website for me, like he did the first one, so I plan to get it sent to him in stages. My hope is to have it done no later than next Sunday so that it can be reviewed and edited by my professor before final submission. I graduate on May 10, if I pass my portfolio this time.

And yes, I did spend quite a bit of time over Spring Break working on the portfolio. I didn't think about work at all, which was a major relief and much needed. It was a wonderful break, filled with surrender, submission, Padrone, and taking care of myself. So I did indeed go back to work well rested, physically and emotionally.

I've been dealing with the administrator again, in small ways mostly but it is wearing on me, I admit. But I have slowly, too slowly, come to realize that what I have known about myself for a long time is also true of others. Yes, I know I can be a bit slow. But I fall into the submissive..."doormat"....mode when I am treated disrespectfully. I go back into the old me, the one who could not bear to stir the waters because of the possibility of conflict. Conflict has never turned out well for me, historically, and while I know our pasts do not define who we are now, the past *does* influence our reactions and unconscious expectations in the present.

So I've finally realized, today as a matter of fact, that if others treat me disrespectfully, it is a reflection of who they are rather than who I am. I have always realized it from the flip side - that my respectful treatment of others is simply because of who *I* am. But somehow, giving the same trait to others is not as easy to do. I still try to take responsibility for how others treat me, as well as how I treat them. It is so difficult not to, for some reason.

I've been heading to this point for a few days now, but it all kind of culminated into a "light bulb" thought today. Now I think I will be able to deal with her childishness better, without letting it stress me so much.

And I am missing Padrone more and more, when we miss our times together. At least tonight I got to tell him about the April Fool's joke I played on my class, which was fun. Even they appreciated it! I miss him so much lately. It's like half of me is missing. I am so geared towards him, it is almost as if I am addicted to him and need a "fix". I got a tremendous amount of his time and energy over Spring Break, so I am a bit spoiled I admit. The more I have, the more I crave sometimes. After all the years we have been together, it is truly a blessing that I can still say that.

Padrone, I could not be more yours, even though I strive for new ways to show it. I am an incredibly blessed woman, simply because I am yours. Thank you, my Padrone, for loving me, needing me, wanting me as I am, and as I can be. Thank you.

Spring Break, Part 1

So Spring Break is over for this school year, and I am as ready to go back to school as I can get without having spent more time on my work at school than I was allowed to. And yes, the week with Padrone was absolutely wonderful! I'm not at all ready to end the time of extreme closeness that we have experienced this week!

But of course, I have been thinking. Padrone, made a lot of comments that had me totally melting, in ways that I truly never imagined. And today I started thinking, as the physical demands and the exposed emotions settle into place.

Padrone has talked this week about me being a good slave, being born to be his slave, so many wonderful and flattering things! So I started thinking today about feeling all mushy and adoring and just how easy he is to adore. Then, of course, since I am who I am I had to begin to think about *why* he is so easy to adore!

The answer is simple, actually. It has nothing to do with his Dominance, control, or even authority. I adore this man simply because he has been an element of change in my life - changes that I would never have done or made on my own, have been possible simply because he is who he is. He doesn't yet have a full understanding of what he has done in my life, although he definitely sees the effects of changes, for sure.

And honestly, he has put up with a LOT from owning me, especially early in our relationship. But he just...was himself. He has a practical, common sense approach to life in general, and often it was simply the fact that he loved me for what he saw in me and in spite of what I have seen in myself. It wasn't that he did anything extraordinary in and of itself, or nothing that someone else might think was extraordinary anyway. But to me, for me, and in my life.....this man's love and acceptance, especially acceptance, as I am....is most definitely extraordinary.

And it is those things, it is the way he simply wishes for simple things from me - to serve, please, and obey him - that has made such a dramatic difference in my life. Simply because he is who he is. His demands are not a heavy weight to bear, and his love makes it a pleasant weight. I adore this man. I adore this man with all that I am, and it is simply because of who he is and how that has made me who I am.

Padrone, I am yours, even more now than ever. I am simply yours.

Anticipation

Well, I haven't had a lot to talk about lately, nor have I had time to type about the nothing going on - lol. But I am now on Spring Break (rejoice!!!) and Padrone has plans for us this week for sure. :) I'm not complaining for sure. I'm a bit nervous though because it has been quite a long time since I've really suffered for his pleasure.

It's been a wild ride at school too, and I'm not going to type much about that this time. I'll only say that Padrone is an excellent judge of human nature, and he gives wonderful advice, and has high expectations for me. He has such high regard for me that he cannot help but to have those expectations, and while it's a bit unnerving to move out of my comfort zone, it is also confidence building when his expectations are borne out in my life. He's a pretty darn good man, you know.

We only have one more 9 week term in this school year, and I have a lot of things to do in this term. I have to review skills for the state testing coming in May, make sure all the IEP objectives have been covered and measure the mastery of them, on an individual student basis, have IEP meetings and write IEPs for each of my students, decide if I will stay in this school next year, and somehow keep the kids motivated and interested in school rather than the spring fever that will be terribly more prevalent as the weather warms up and the local baseball season gets to rolling. But since I love baseball, the kids will be extremely happy when I show up for a game or two, and that may help me keep them motivated a bit easier but we'll see. Maybe that can be a reward for the kids to exhibit good behavior in the classroom? We'll see. I'm tired, so I'm not feeling so creative now as I am at times.

But Padrone has decided that I am to take a real break this week, from work at least, and refocus on my submission and slavery. He has tightened his control a bit, which I find thrilling, at least what I know of for now. I'm simply thrilled at the renewed attention and focus on each other in a way that is wonderfully fulfilling.

I'll also be working on my portfolio for my Masters program over Spring Break. The hardest work is in organizing everything in a sensible manner, but I'll also need to write new reflections for each Standard as well. Or the standards I have to redo at least, since some are adequate. I'm really looking forward to having all of this behind me though, that's for sure.

But that won't take a lot out of my days, and the knowledge that I'll simply be more available to Padrone, even if he chooses not to take advantage of that availability, is putting me in a hugely submissive mindset. I love it, and I think he does too actually. No, I know he does.

So, Padrone, we have an interesting week coming up, but in a good way finally. I will still have a few obligations but nowhere near as strenuous as if I were working all week, thank goodness! And then only 9.5 weeks until I am out for the summer! I am looking forward to resting, recovering, serving, pleasing, and loving. Yes, Padrone, I do have hopes for this break, even if nothing sexual happens. I am anticipating a lot of heightened emotions, relaxed expression of them, and simple and pure enjoyment as we spend time together and, as you said, refocusing on each other and our roles. Grazie, il Padrone mio. One day in, and I already feel more relaxed and focused on you. I am so grateful to have the opportunity, the much needed opportunity, for the emotions to flow freely and strongly at least for a while. The intimacy of what is ahead....mmmmmm...

Only you

Only you, Padrone, could have so gently and lovingly taken the chaos that was my mind, my heart, my life and reveal a path towards contentment.

Only you saw what I was striving to hide from the world, thinking that my needs were too strong to allow a relationship to be healthy.

Only you had a need that matched my own, which was revealed gradually - often emotionally and painfully - and which I never dreamed would happen.

Only you, Padrone, could have been so patient and understanding of my life and circumstances; and only you could have come to love me in spite of the inherent difficulties of our relationship.

Only you, Padrone, could have been so steadfast and faithful to me, to us, throughout all these years of ups and downs, over such a distance and so many changes.

Only you wanted me as I was, which made me yearn to be more, better, and meet needs you rarely reveal to me.

Only you took what you wanted from me, simply because you wanted it, showing the dominance I had been looking for, for as long as I could remember.

Only you can use me as you did last night and still leave me hungry for more.

Only you, Padrone, could ever be my Owner and my love.

Only you are my forever Valentine.