Sunday, May 30, 2010

Memorial Day

In Flanders Fields By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Is a 4 year old (blog) still a baby?

i have been blogging for 4 years now! It's amazing to think that it was so long ago when i began this blog, and to think of all that has happened to me, to Padrone, to us and to our families and lives since then.

Four years ago i hadn't even been collared a year yet! Now it's almost 5...just wow. i have let it slide and not typed here as often as i meant to when i first began, and i know i have been redundant at times, but overall i think it's a very real and revealing snapshot of how i have changed in the past few years...something i naively didn't expect to see when i began this blog.

Padrone, i'm glad You enjoy my words, that's for sure!

i love You, my Master.


Sometimes being a slave is not easy.

i love You, Padrone.

What, me worry?

Well, one week from now i will have completed my first class on campus, the first class i have taken in 24 years. Should be...interesting. Yes, i'm getting nervous about it, and feeling more and more challenged and....yes, terrified of the days pass. Oh well, i know i'll make it, i just worry about at what cost.

See, lately i've had connection problems with my tethering program, or my blackberry, or the cell signal, or something. Doesn't matter what, it just matters that i have been on and offline, sometimes several times, during the times we have had together lately. And my daughter has let the cordless phone die, and "can't find it" now. And i had to do something to make the connection more stable, so i got dialup again. i hate dialup. i wanted satellite internet, but it wasn't an option. So i'm back in the dark ages again.

But i'm having a difficult time within myself (sounds stupid i know), because Padrone's patience ran totally out with my lack of availability given my connection problems, and that makes me worry a lot about his patience when i can't be online because of a paper due, or the need to study, or work, or drive, or whatever. Or maybe the worry isn't when one of those things happens, but when it happens time and time again.

i KNOW he understands that i'll be getting a lot busier soon, but these classes are really going to eat into our time - not only the classes themselves, but the fact that any homework or assignments or studying for tests will have to be done around classes AND a work schedule, AND our time together, AND parenting, AND son with classes, AND daughter with job, and....

i don't know how i am going to do it, not at all.

And given the fact that when Padrone has wanted to use me, i have had connection issues, and when it's been more stable he hasn't wanted to use me, yet he still gets rather....impatient....when i'm not available for use when he wants it....i worry.

i worry about how *i'll* handle it if he gets impatient with me for not being available, knowing that i could have taken one or two classes this summer, and waited until next summer to take the rest. Or i could have taken it all online this fall, but over a longer time period. And yes, Padrone did look over the options i had, and this option will be the best in terms of several factors, not only the speed with which i can get certified. He is the one who had the final say in this, i know that intellectually.

i just know that last night i was reprimanded for not already having had dialup, and it was stormy weather and i was knocked offline and it was quite frustrating because Padrone wanted to use me and it wasn't possbile. So i spent an hour or so finding a dialup service for my local area, and finally got signed up for it. When i got online this morning, there was nothing. No comment whatsoever, nothing to indicate that he was glad, or that it was about time, or even acknowledging that i had done what i was supposed to do, even after he got upset that i hadn't already done it last night. (i was hoping to stay with a local company, which had limited office hours, which is why the delay - but i went with a national one after all, to expedite things... and that's why i hadn't already done it, btw, because lack of time when they were open.)

i was pretty disappointed, frankly. i know i was only disappointed because i had hopes of at least a comment. But when i mentioned that i was on dialup, i got a nod in reply.

i worry about what happens this summer when i bust my butt to make things easy for him, and routine and all the things i always *try* to do (which aren't always noticed unless i fail in my efforts, like with the connection issues)....i worry about my own reactions if that kind of thing is taken as his due.

i know i know. It IS his due. That's what i signed up for. i do realize that, intellectually. And i AM the one who signed up for it all...the relationship, the job, the school, the kids, all of it. All my choice, so nobody to blame but myself if i struggle, and if i fail. It's not Padrone's responsibility to acknowledge anything i do, and maybe i'm spoiled because he does at times recognize that things aren't always easy for me. But lately, i think he needs the physical expression of my submission and surrender to him, and it hasn't happened in quite some time, and so the fact that i did that last night maybe *was* something that he just needed me to do to express that surrender, i don't know.

All i know is that i am going to be stretched thinner than i ever have since we've been together (except when i had surgery, but that was a different situation entirely, definitely NOT a choice there), and even what my seem like small gestures, or routine things, may take a LOT of focus to make happen. i know that. i'm prepared for it. i guess i just....hope Padrone understands it as well.

i'm really nervous and worried, you know.

And...what use is there in worrying, or in whining, or in borrowing trouble? i think i'm kind of latching onto something "concrete" to validate my worries, maybe. But i really am concerned that i won't be able to give all things to all people while i to myself as well. It may be the guilt that i feel that will create the problem, to the point that i sabotage myself in my classes. It may be that my daughter loses out because i have given too much to my son. It may be that i begin to resent Padrone. It may be that i begin to hate myself for not knowing how to do anything without giving all i have to it, even parenting.

And it may be that i cuss a customer out and get fired - lol.

All i know is that i am worried. i am excited for what the future holds, and yet i am extremely worried about getting through the "fire" of this summer, first.

Sorry for the whiny-butt, worry-filled post.

Padrone, this summer will try your patience far more than the recent connection problems did, by far. i just hope and pray that it won't be too hard, Padrone. Please, please hang in here with me, and please...just know i will do my very best in all things, to juggle all the "balls" i'll have going on, and to make sure that if anything is done poorly, it isn't our relationship. This, too, shall pass, eventually. i am sorry, Padrone.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Well, Hello Again

It's been a while since i typed here, not from lack of desire to do so, but from lack of time mostly. i've been working and finalizing everything i needed to do for school, AND applying for jobs and i've even had one interview at least!

i've still got some emotions "simmering" from the last deeply humiliating time with Padrone. It was something i did that i had imagined doing many, many times. It was always interesting, harsh, humiliating, degrading, emotional, difficult, humiliating, and....did i mention humiliating?

This one "got" me. i can't deal with all the emotions right now, i have FAR too much on my plate. It will eventually surface and have to be dealt with, but i sincerely hope it won't be anytime soon. i like when emotions are calm. We both love when things are "boring".

Son is home from school, waiting for time for his own online classes to start. Daughter is studying for her college entrance exam, and i'm getting "antsy" to begin my classes. For Mother's Day i got a new messenger bag, large enough for a laptop as well as the books i'll need for any given class. i have orientation this week, and hopefully i can get my books and supplies then. i'll have to check and see if my Tuesday night class will begin on the 1st or if it will be the following week.

i'm nervous and excited and anxious and ready!

EXCEPT for the fact that i honestly believe it will be something that will affect our relationship...or maybe it will just affect the time we have to spend together. i really hope it doesn't, but i know me, and i know how .... single minded i can become. i hope Padrone is ready for lots of discussions about special ed, and classroom management!

We've not had a lot of time to spend specifically devoted to the D/s aspects of our relationship lately, but it's still there. Sometimes it's just the latency that makes it so more special when the D/s comes to the forefront. This man, this man is such a wonderful, wonderful man.

i am so lucky. This man that owns me is one of the most understanding people i have ever met. He loves that i am pursuing my dream, even though it may mean a bit of stress in our relationship, and in my life, for a time. He encourages me, supports me, makes sure i make the time to do what i am supposed to do, and i know he'll be the same way with my school. i know he'll make sure i've studied or done my papers or whatever. Two nights a week our time will be either nonexistent or earlier than usual - not a major problem but an adjustment. i guess that's what i know will have to happen - lots of adjustments.

And i feel incredibly guilty for it - for all the adjustments. Sometimes it seems as if our entire relationship has been a series of nothing more than adjustments, and they all come from my side. Stresses, changes, dramas, emergencies....adjustments...constantly, it seems like.

But i know Padrone doesn't mind - too much at least! He understands, accepts, and usually loves that my life is what he calls "interesting" *rolling eyes*. And here i have always thought i was nothing more than a country girl with a boring, boring life!

i'm ready, Padrone, for classes to begin. i'm ready to make the next step towards the future. i'm ready to find out about whether or not i got the job i interviewed for, or to find another one. i'm ready for things to settle, in a very, very good way, Padrone. i'm ready to teach, to make better money, to have a better schedule, to have more benefits. i'm ready to have more to offer You, Padrone, of myself, my heart, my time, my emotions. i long to give You all You deserve, my Owner, although i know that i will never ever accomplish that, no matter how hard i try. All i can give is what You already own - all of me.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Songs, school and sexy fun!

Another song or two of Padrone's, to begin this post:

i am SO excited about school! It starts in 3 weeks or so, and i think all my ducks are in a row - they have my transcripts, my applications, my fees are paid, AND i had to have a shot! (how the heck am i supposed to prove i had my MMR shot 1000 years ago??? and it was cheaper to be re-immunized than to have the test run to find out if i am already immune.) So there i went, and got stuck *sniff* and faxed *that* to them too!

i hope to find out about financial aid very soon, and then i'll decide whether or not i'll keep my job and try to work while taking 3 summer classes or not. i remember when i was a LOT younger, and in school for the first time, taking summer classes while working full time. But even then i had the sense to only take one at a time!

Can you tell i'm getting a wee bit nervous here?

i've found a neat blog that many of you may already know about, but cammie works quite hard to find pics and videos of free BDSM related things, and posts them regularly. It has to take quite a bit of time, and i admire her for her dedication. Check it out, as it really is squirm-inducing fun!

For now, i'm going to go talk with Padrone for a bit when he gets online, finish a bit of laundry, and work tonight oh joy.

All of you mothers have a wonderful, happy Mothers Day!

Monday, May 03, 2010

A New Leaf?

i've had several thoughts running around in my mind that i have wanted to type about here, but they would never "gel" into anything that i could communicate coherently...maybe because i still had some sort of unresolved issue regarding them, which i never realized because they seemed like two separate thought processes when in reality there was a thread between them that i was missing entirely.

And if you understand that, you deserve a gold star!

While i was gone on vacation, i did have the opportunity to talk with Padrone a couple of times, for which i am so deeply grateful. We usually have wonderful conversations when the mood strikes us - about our relationship i mean. (Of course about other things as well, but specific to my thoughts this time i mean relationship topics).

Maybe we are a bit different from other folks in D/s relationships, i don't know, but our first conversation was about commitment, and how important commitment is in any relationship, not just D/s...but that the commitment, if taken seriously, is the most important ingredient to a D/s relationship of any sort.

That sounds like a "well duh" kind of statement, and of course it is when taken at face value. But as is so often the case, actions really do speak louder than words. Feeling submissive, or Dominant, is only *part* of the equation of a happy relationship. It is as Padrone has told me throughout our relationship - feelings matter, of course, but actions are what matters most. In other words, if one is truly committed to their relationship and the role they play in it, then they'll do what is expected or required of them, even when they don't feel like it.

And yes, that goes for Dominants as well. As Padrone pointed out to me, there are times when he simply isn't in the mood to listen to me whine about my kids, my job, my lack of money, my fears, whatever, and yet he knows that, as my Master, it is something he "signed on" to do. He takes care of me in ways that i try hard not to take for granted but which i often don't realize at all - like that example. i apologize now and then for whining so much, but he usually brushes it off for the most part, so i never realized that there are times when he simply doesn't want to hear it.

Will that change my behavior? i doubt it, mainly because of two things...first, he has always, in the past, not let me talk if he didn't want me to (either by changing subjects, or using me, or some other tactic that prevented me from talking about things he didn't want to hear about), and second, because i do need to vent at times, and he is the natural and really the only one i have to vent to - who knows about all the "vent-worthy" details of my life at least.

And see....he is doing his "job" in our relationship, just as i am doing when i go to him for guidance or opinions or whatever (which is my way of describing my whininess - lol!)

If he only acted as he pleased, which is the misconception many people have about this lifestyle, then he wouldn't listen to me nearly as often as he does.

And of course the opposite side of the / is far more obvious when it comes to "doing it anyway". So many people focus on a slave's obedience to rules, and punishment for disobedience, that they forget that slaves are human too, and also that there is *far* more to a slave than an automatic obedience and adherence to rules.

i am so very, very lucky that Padrone has never lost sight of that about me, however. And that was the resultant affirmation of our conversation that night and the next morning as well... that it is due to my proven commitment to him, to our relationship, and to my role as his slave... so obvious to him....that allows him to (when circumstances warrant, or when i beg for mercy) feel alright about excusing me from consequences now and then. Case in point - the day before we left to go on vacation was very busy, as i am sure you could imagine. i missed a text, and as soon as i realized it, i sent one apologizing and saying that i would write the lines but i didn't have a clue when i could do it (they're due by my midnight, and i worked until 11:45 if i got off on time) he excused me from the lines, something he rarely does but which he felt was not any problem because over the years of my required hourly texts, i have missed so few texts that he knows how committed i am to doing it. It was a mistake, one of those things caused by circumstances that i couldn't prevent or avoid, and my past actions had shown that the only way i miss a text is due to being quite busy, or blogging (i just sent one for this hour, yay me!) or something that requires concentration on something other than the clock.

i have a feeling i'm chasing rabbits here, trying to explain something, and i haven't even gotten very far in what i am trying to say! Ugh.

The second conversation was kind of a continuation of the first, although it was far more emotional for me since i had failed to give Padrone what he wanted or needed from me. i was unable to summon even a spark of arousal, no matter what Padrone did or had me do, and usually it takes little for me to become aroused! i was crying and upset with myself, because i so rarely offer myself sexually without his indication that he wants me to feel sexual, that it affects me even more strongly the extremely rare times when i can't become aroused at all.

So i was really disappointed in myself, and i knew i had disappointed him too, but he took a long, long time to reassure me that the fact that i *did* everything he asked of me, no matter what i *felt* like doing, proves my commitment to him and to my slavery. i hated it, but he reassured me that he was NOT disappointed in me, rather he was very pleased with me...that my submission is far more important to him that my orgasm or even arousal is.

And that one just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.

i mean...

This man is proud of me for trying and failing, simply because i tried with all my heart. Who ever heard of such a thing? Especially when it comes to sex?

i wasn't quite sure of myself anymore, and that surprised me tremendously. He had said those things to me before, and i thought i had "gotten" it as well, but that particular conversation really floored me. i really am not "judged" based on my performance as his slave, y'all. i really "am" valued because i try so hard to please him, no matter how i feel.

It isn't about proving myself, although in the beginning there was that element of course, on both sides. It is about being committed and showing it. Living it. Being who i am, even when i'm inconvenienced or pissed off about being told to do something i don't want to do. Even when i have a pissy attitude, or when i'm distracted by other things in my life. It's about *being* a slave, not just calling myself one.

It's about making Padrone happy.

Which leads me to the possible new leaf. i say "possible" because while the last couple of days have been surprising and felt good to DO, i know that my old inhibitions and habits aren't necessarily conquered, and i can't force this or it will cause major problems in the long run. Padrone is wise enough to understand it, for which i am eternally grateful.

But starting yesterday, i began to feel horny. i didn't just feel it for a moment and not say anything (even though i know he loves to know i'm horny, it is something that is difficult for me to admit for some reason) i know it has to do with my history, and while i have made GREAT strides in dealing with and healing from past issues, this one has eluded me for a long time.

i sent a text saying that i wish i was being used, and briefly described the use i was fantasizing about. Yes i was at work, but hey, it happens even there too! (need, not use) When i got home, i was still horny, and i told him so via email...maybe another text, but i don't remember. i was surprised about the continued arousal, because if i am aroused independently of Padrone's wishes and other words, if physiology creates the arousal, it usually only lasts a few minutes. (yes, i know, i have issues to discover the cause of and deal with).

i slept poorly since i kept waking up filled with need and fantasies. When i woke for the morning, i sent my good morning text and said as best i could in italian that his slave was still quite horny this morning. That kind of thing is so hard for me, and i know it has to do with fear of being rejected and such, as well as other things, but i did it, and i wasn't really hesitant to do so.

That was the surprising thing. Today, last night, i felt more free from the demons and fears that have held me back from expressing myself sexually so obviously. It is strange, but i used to be able to do that without even thinking about it. So i have been worrying and even stressing a bit over my inability to open up without Padrone's direction in that area of our relationship.

But last felt right. And Padrone's response was so very perfect - he didn't make a big issue out of it, didn't try to "encourage" me or even comment on in much. And as we talked this morning, as he was using me, there was even laughter and lighthearted comments. i could *feel* his love, even if he hadn't spoken the words (which are always wonderful to hear, Padrone), and his pleasure. He was so happy, so happy that i could finally do that.

And all of that was encouraging to me, and right now the walls seem as far down as they have been for a couple of days now - not totally gone, a point that i can "scale" them. In other words, it still isn't ... comfortable, i guess is the best word to use here ... but it isn't the impossible thing it seemed a few short days ago.

i hope it is indeed that i have "turned over a new leaf", and not some sort of temporary aberration or something.

Padrone, i always love to end my posts with a personal word for You, but today i honestly can't say more than i already have said, and shown. You know my commitment to You, to us, to my slavery. You know i will do all i can even when i can't give what You are specifically asking for - my obedience is all i *can* give sometimes. And ... i hope....i can but hope ... that the wonderful thing that happened this morning, continued from yesterday, will be an ever-present part of our relationship from now on. i won't promise to work on it, because i don't want to focus too intently and overanalyze any form of spontaneity that may happen...but i *will* promise not to extinguish any spontaneity that may happen, either. i truly hope that i will be able to offer You more and more of the sexual being You own, in ways that are fun and natural and pleasing. You deserve no less, my wonderful, wonderful Padrone.