Thursday, December 31, 2009

i've been remiss

but not missing in action.

i've been busy (haven't we all?), Christmas, kids, the ex finally getting a job, my own job taking adjustments, plans for the future coming far too soon, and...well, sickness and irritability aren't very good companions this time of year either.

Maybe it's because it's New Year's Eve and the calendar turns a new page and we all have to start typing and writing 2010 rather than 2009 tomorrow, but most people i know have been in reflective kinds of moods. i am no exception.

The past week or so i have come to some conclusions that have been extremely difficult for me to reach, but i had to get there eventually. i've concluded that i am tired of feeling on the fringe of family life (with my parents, siblings, extended family). i have concluded that i made a huge mistake a few years ago when i opened up to someone in the family regarding my childhood abuse. i have concluded that sometimes silence is golden, and preserving relationships is sometimes more important than individual gratification. i have concluded that i despise the position i put myself in when i trusted that time would heal wounds.

It's too easy to blame the ones who treat me differently now. It's too easy to say "who cares"? because i do care. These people are people i grew up around, who i played with as a child, who shared the same Granny, who share the same memories now. It hurts to be totally cut out of their lives like a bag of garbage simply because they refuse to accept what happened to me. i understand their point, i do. And yet i know that if i had simply said nothing....gone for counselling without saying a word....that things would be different now, probably.

Things are different now for me as a woman as well. One of the cousins added me to facebook, has sent "ihearts" and "cafe world" and "farmville" gifts, but has yet to speak to me there, not even "liking" my status when Mark Ingram won the Heisman or when Alabama beat the snot out of Florida. Her mother (the widow of one of my molesters, go figure) added me, and the same thing....generic contact without any conversation at all. One of my sisters in law even refuses to add me as a friend on facebook, much less speak to me in person. So what happens when we all get together?

Just hurt feelings, things i shouldn't be hurt about because i am the one who brought them on myself. Things i shouldn't be hurt about because i tend to expect too much from people, and too soon. i won't be forgiven for breaking this silence, and i finally, finally realized it. It hurts because i had hoped, even though i didn't think i did. Sometimes i guess we don't recognize hope until it's gone.

So now, i am in the process of regrouping. This really hit hard today for some reason, this plus so many other things in December that have been hard. It's not an easy month but this year it seemed more difficult than usual. i'll make it, i don't stay down for long, and the new year holds lots of promise for me, and the potential for the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, so i do have a lot of work ahead of me, and a lot of good things happening. i'm just letting myself grieve over the loss of family for a little while first.

i'll probably be embarrassed that i talked about this, tomorrow - lol. Oh well, there's always delete post option!

Padrone, not the kind of post i usually make, and i know i share too much here at times. But it just feels right to kind of....purge the emotions through sharing. i know everyone is glad i did (major sarcasm there, btw). Padrone, i am so deeply grateful for You. i can't ever convey how deeply grateful i feel without it sounding as if i think i am nothing and You are everything, but You know that isn't how i see it. i know i am a strong, worthwhile woman with a lot of potential - it is just that i see just how big a part You played in bringing me to the point of accepting and enjoying who i am. Right now i am a bit melancholy i guess, reflective and admitting mistakes made and feeling regrets for my lack of wisdom in handling that situation, but You know that i will learn from this, grow from it, and work to make myself into a better woman, and a better slave, for You.

i love You, and i can't imagine life without You, Padrone. Happy New Year, Padrone and everyone!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Mirror, Mirror

i've been thinking lately about the distorted way we see ourselves. We each have a "mirror" which reflects our vision of who we think we are, and it is shaped by images, ideas, thoughts, circumstances, situations from our pasts.

i think that is pretty much universally accepted. What i think so many have problems understanding is that this mirror does indeed provide a distorted reflection of who we are, and by our acceptance of such distortion, we limit ourselves in so many ways!

But i guess it doesn't matter *which* perception we have of ourselves, we would limit ourselves, and never reach our full potential. Actually none of us could ever reach our full potential, because that would mean there would never be room for improvement, and there is always room for that.

i just think of how my own mirror's reflection has changed in the past 7 or 8 years. It all began when i admitted, without a qualification, that i have good insights into relationships. And for a long time i simply dwelt on that statement that i didn't, refused to, say "yes but" to, and watched the mirror's reflection change slowly, and learned to recognize the "new" person whose reflection i saw.

After becoming Padrone's slave, and seeing the dangers to our relationship of staying just the way i was, i began to peek into the mirror again, slowly and with great fear. Change is always stressful, most especially when it is ourselves, or our perception of ourselves, that is what is changing. The reflection isn't as static as some would have us believe. But our fears can cause us to see the ever-changing mirror as more of a photograph.

That's a real problem for most of us at one point in time or another, as we learn about ourselves and grow as humans. And frankly, i think it *can* be as much a problem for Dominants as for submissives, for those with healthy childhoods and for those who have distortions from "healthy" in their backgrounds. i honestly think that we, as humans, can and often do become complacent in who we think we are, accepting the familiar image in the mirror and not seeing the distortions that are there, nor allowing changes to happen to help clarify the reflection.

For me, it has been Padrone's view of myself (in itself a bit distorted simply because of distance and limited contact, although he knows me better than anyone else ever has), that has almost forced me to peek into the mirror to see what he sees that is so impressive to him. And you know what? As that image is becoming more clear to me, more familiar, i am accepting it more and more. i kind of like it, too.

There are times when i struggle, of course. When i make the same mistakes i always have, for instance, all the old emotions tend to bring back into clear focus the "old" image of myself, and that's the reflection i accept for a while. i guess we all do that to an extent.

And i guess i said all that to simply say that i know beyond a doubt that change is possible, but it is one of the most difficult things i have ever experienced in my life. But the drive to be the best possible person i can be, to make Padrone proud of me (that was the first "reason" i began to look into the mirror again, and to open up and change and let walls fall down and reveal the "real" me)....the drive to be my best so that i can truly give my best....those things made the difficult necessary, and the reward of a more positive self-image, the clearer and more attractive reflection in the mirror, has made the difficult totally and absolutely worthwhile.

Padrone, it was the fact that what You saw in me was so totally opposite to what i saw when i looked into my "mirror" that caused me to look a little deeper. You made me question all the things i thought i "knew" about myself, and things i had accepted as inevitable, as unchangeable, i began to see weren't so. The gratitude i feel for what You have done for me is something i can never fully express, yet i know You understand just how deep it is. And i also know that my submission is worth far more now that i accept that when i give myself to You, i truly do give a gift of great value. You are worth everything i can do to make that gift even better, to improve myself and my life, so that what You own is better and better and better. You are such a good man, and i am so glad to belong to You, my Padrone.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Just life things

i think i may finally be getting into the Christmas spirit, which is a good thing since Christmas is only a couple of weeks away! i haven't yet decorated anything, and that's alright, it will make it more special if we see the tree, the decorations, for only a few days as opposed to several weeks! That's my justification at least - lol.

My son is home from school, which is wonderful for the first few days at least! No, really, i miss him when he's gone, and i am glad he's home now, and i'll be glad until he leaves (except when he pisses me off but that's life!). Daughter is really excited about Christmas this year, and she's the kind for whom the gifts (which will be VERY sparse this year) aren't as important as the traditions. Those i can provide without much effort, and i'm grateful that she is so easily pleased. Son told me today that he doesn't really expect or want much this year either, which is yet another good thing - he is the more materialistic of the two.

AND, miracle of miracles, i found the PERFECT gift for Padrone, accidentally but hey, i'm taking credit for it anyway! He loves a particular sci-fi author, and i remembered the name, happened upon a book that was new but very inexpensive, bought it (because i could read it if he already had it, to try to see what is so great about it, or return it if i didn't want to read it)....and lo and behold he didn't have it, AND he wanted it, was about to order it for himself! *doing a happy dance*
It may not be sent until after Christmas, but that doesn't matter to either of us. i'll wrap his gifts in Christmas paper and he can have TWO Christmases!

i just wish i could send some of the candy i usually make, but i know it wouldn't last to ship that way. Oh well, he'll just have to have a taste when he comes over here, eventually!

And yes, we finally had a chance for some time alone, for closeness, for use, for reinforcing the emotions, the roles, meeting the deep and basic needs we each have within our personalities. Sometimes we simply need to EXPRESS the Dominance and the submission in a deep, distinct, unique, relevant and obvious way. i know we aren't alone in that, although maybe not in the way we don't usually make an express effort to show the D/s so strongly. Maybe that's why we sometimes simply need to reinforce it, i don't know. All i know is that i am so very, very happy to be his woman, his slave, his love...and i will do all i can to make him as happy as i am.

i am one lucky woman, that i know. But i also know that he is lucky as well. We have found something very special with each other, especially within the D/s "world"...and especially long distance.

i love You, Padrone. i love You. i am so glad You have foresight, patience, even when You have deep and driving needs. How very blessed i am.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

*****Whiny-butt post alert*****

Don't say you weren't warned. Whine ahead. i hate it. But i guess i needed to vent, who knows?

Well. This is one of those posts that i am typing because my week is almost up and i haven't typed one yet, frankly. i have a lot going on here where i live, but don't seem to have any time at all. i can't tell you the last time i've had just an hour or so without anything to do, or think about doing, or check on for someone, or fetch and carry or something. i really need a break, and i hope something is going to happen to allow that soon.

Oh for a day off. A half a day....2 hours, to do nothing but what i want to do, phone off, computer off, be unavailable to anyone except myself. Recharging some batteries with a book, sitting on a comfortable chair, simply thinking of the characters and *their* situations, circumstances, lives, for a change, and...never mind. What a dream, though, huh?

It snowed here last night though, amazingly enough! Southeastern US got snow in December! It was very pretty and i had a blast in it while at work, going out and grinning and lifting my face to watch it fall and having to clean my glasses every time, but never resisting the urge to do it again and again, as often as i could! We got around 1-2 inches i guess, but of course the temp is going up today and it's melting now. That's alright. Snow falling at night, here, is almost magical in a way. It's very rare, and very special. i far prefer falling snow to snow on the ground, as i guess many of us do. i love it on the ground if it's undisturbed, but how often does that happen? Once a day, if then, i guess. Anyway, next...

i haven't had much time to give to Padrone lately either. It seems as if there is always something dragging and pulling me away from our time together, and i hate it. It bothers me that i can't even remember to type an email (which i have done twice this week), and i have cried buckets already today, and feel like a failure again because i just can't seem to do it all. What Padrone requires isn't that demanding as a whole, but everyone else seems to expect more and more of me. Add that to starting a new job and learning new things there, studying for my second Praxis, and Christmas coming...who can think about Christmas? i can't even give Padrone what He so deserves from the woman he owns. i feel as if i am in the midst of a meltdown, and i don't know what to do about it. Oh well, this too shall pass, i know.

My ex has been around quite a bit lately, because he is unemployed and looking for a job. It's hard to find one around here anyway, but this time of year it's impossible. i've been helping him out because he is computer illiterate to the point that he has no clue how to even turn one on, much less what to do when it is on. So he now has a resume and several online applications (and handwritten ones as well) turned in, has had one interview, has another on Monday, and has some contracting work he can do in the interim. The best part? The closest job he is applying for is an hour's drive from here! That would be WONDERFUL! He is leaving for the contracting job on Monday evening (i assume, i really hope he doesn't get it into his head to wait until he hears from the interview on Monday, because that could be a week or longer i'm sure. Ugh, i really, REALLY hope he leaves!)

Son should be home from college next week. He made a stupid mistake in one of his classes, and error in judgement, and it cost him in his grades. i see his point, but i guess homeschooling taught him a bit *too* much independence, because i, a product of public schools, can understand the concept of "give the teacher whatever they want, even if it evolves into an unpleasant situation", whereas he thinks along the lines of "that just isn't *right*, and i'm going to (insert protesting action - i.e. action that cuts off nose to spite face - here). i really do admire his passion and desire to stand up for what is right, but he has to learn some of the "give them whatever they want to get the grade" mentality. That's sad to me, and it's one of those results from homeschooling that i didn't foresee. Actually, i probably didn't remember it being as prevalent in college as it is where he goes, and that's probably why i neglected to prepare him for it. One of the positives of homeschooling is also one of the negatives when it comes to furthering education - flexibility and promoting individual thinking. Never mind, this isn't a "homeschool vs. public/private school" discussion, i promise.

Daughter really enjoyed the snow last night as well, even if i wasn't here with her until very late. We had fun watching it, laughing, and hugging - lol. She's got a job that isn't giving her many hours, but i really think they have so many new folks to train that they can't have them all in there at once so they're kind of doling it out gradually. She'll get there.

i haven't put up a tree or even thought of Christmas yet. And i won't for a little while - i just can't yet. i'm not sure what it is but this year i more dread Christmas than anything else, right now at least. Next time i type here i may be filled with Christmas spirit and totally out of my "Scrooge" mood!

Because i have changed jobs and had to deal with the ex so much more than usual lately, i haven't had much time to spend with Padrone, and i miss it. i miss You, Padrone. And really, i don't miss the use, the service, as much as i simply miss talking and laughing with my love when we both have privacy. i hope it happens soon, Padrone. Very, very soon.

A kiss from Your beloved and devoted schiava.