Thursday, November 21, 2013


Kidney stones, kidney infection, Lortab on top of Demerol, Mt. Papers-to-be-graded-and-reported-before-progress-reports, recalcitrant Juniors, disrespectful Seniors, 13 year olds ...well, enough said about them ... and a yearbook staff that just *had* to make Ms. Teacher-me become Bitchlady.

It's been an interesting week.

Tomorrow starts my 9 day holiday week though, and it's actually going to be a very easy day tomorrow because very few students will be there. So I'll get the rest of my semester (3 weeks left, yay!) planned, things copied and organized as much as possible, and just hang in there for the rest of the day. It will likely be a long, boring day though. :)

Not much else to say about work, and I've been recuperating from kidney stones/infection and haven't talked much with Padrone this week. I've missed him.

Padrone, I am so glad that I will have a week off! I am *more* than ready for it, you know. I am *more* than ready to spend more time with you. I am eager to simply smile and open and melt into and with you, relaxing with you and into us once again, shaking off the busy-ness of the externals. I need it, Padrone, as I know you do as well. Tomorrow, il Padrone mio. Tomorrow.

Friday, November 08, 2013

Life's Upsets

Oh, hello. Sorry it's been so long since I've been around to type here, but it has seriously been insane at this place where I live, AND the place where I work.

Both parents have been sick, with some serious issues, in the past two months. My dad is still apparently having heart issues, though he recently had another stent put in. That, and work, and family....yes, I plan to vent here about the family issues because some things just hurt. They are just plain WRONG. And this time it isn't me that is doing it.

Work ... well, apparently Homecoming week at my new school is also known as "do absolutely no work" week, but nobody gave me the memo until AFTER I tried to teach actual classes - lol. Finally I, too, gave up. Then there was the pageant for which I was a sponsor (I'm STILL laughing about that one, but I'm yearbook adviser and apparently yearbook was one of the sponsors, we're making money off of it), but which ate 2 days of school and almost an entire weekend. And today, which of course is a work day, the Board decided to make a half day of school (decided last week, bless them) because the football team made the State playoffs and have to drive literally across the entire state for a game tonight. Since our school is SO small, the only way many of the students and teachers could go would have been to leave early, so to encourage attendance they shortened the work day. Since my drive is so long, the headmaster said "Stay home. Get a sub." So I did. :D

Since we're also off on Monday, I have a 4 day weekend! It was, in all honesty, much needed.

So today I've been browsing blogs and thinking, which is kind of what I do.

And I am more in love with Padrone than ever. Just throwing that out there, in case anyone wondered. :D

But today I need to focus on family issues and the sheer...audacity...of some people. First, the facts.

Ten years ago or longer, I "came out" to my family about the sexual abuse I had suffered, or at least parts of it. I knew it would not go over well, and I ended up being completely shunned except by two people. Ironically enough one was the wife of one of the abusers. The other was a cousin who had experienced the same things I had with one of the abusers.

One aunt told me that she had power of attorney for my Grandmother, and when she was in the hospital dying (or so everyone thought - Granny lasted a few more weeks!), aunt refused to allow me to visit her. She also told me that she KNEW I was lying about the abuse, because she KNEW how abused victims acted and I didn't act that way. She *also* asked me what made me so "special", that several men would abuse me?

Fast forward a few years to my parents' 50th anniversary reception in 2011. NONE of my aunts, uncles, or cousins except the one who was also abused and her mom (an in-law to my mom and her sisters, and the rebel of the bunch) even spoke to me. Even the one taking pics didn't speak to me, which I found quite amusing actually. Also, when I talked with my mom about the preparations for the reception, I was informed that her sisters were doing it and they had it under control. All I was allowed to do was to pay for the cake and show up, and if I hadn't shown up I doubt there would have been any comments made. I had mono when the reception happened, and I didn't get close enough to spread it to any of them, unfortunately.

So I haven't gone to Christmas dinner with the extended family in years. After mom was in the hospital, and came close to dying herself, apparently the family got together and discussed among themselves that particular fact. Well, I got a phone call from the only cousin who still speaks with me. She informed me that some of the others were wondering if I'd go back to Christmas dinner if she asked me, since they know we still talk. She THEN said that my mom was upset that I hadn't been going. THAT pissed me off no end, and even though all this happened a couple of weeks ago, I am STILL furious about it.

My mom and I have gotten a lot closer over the past few years. We've chosen to ignore things, to keep our mouths shut over things, and we've started getting along a LOT better. If she had been upset about the dinner, she would have mentioned it a long time ago. But these know-it-alls decided, apparently, that my mom wouldn't last another year on this earth, and they thought they'd try to manipulate the situation so that she had "one last Christmas dinner with the whole family around her". Yeah.

I ended up calling my mom, of course, and we had a discussion about it. I'm glad we did because she informed me that she had gotten a call too, from the aunt who had been so ugly to me (see above), saying that she didn't know WHY she was the one accused of making me feel unwelcome, she hadn't done ANYTHING to me, and as far as she was concerned I am welcome to come any time I want! So yes, I did tell my mom that aunt was lying through her teeth and proceeded to tell her why in detail. Mom told me that she knows this is my decision, it's my life, and she didn't try to guilt me into doing anything like she usually does. That is a very telling thing about the status of our relationship, obviously. I know she'd like for me to go for her own reasons, but she also understands that I have my own reasons for not going. I *have* considered showing up just to put them on the spot. If I did, I wouldn't be able to resist hugging each and every one of them and saying how GLAD I was that they were willing to put up with me for a couple of hours once a year for my mom's sake!

Or worse.

So the potential loss of my mom made me think long and hard about other losses in my life, and those were mostly the men who had abused me. Most of those men are dead now. But those thoughts triggered some major "demon wrestling" which took away yet another weekend's peace. So the days off could not have happened at a better time for this chick, for sure.

And Padrone and I have had some wonderful talks, confusing then clarifying and we are closer and more at peace than we have ever been. It is nice, plain and simple. I love him more today than ever, and I know he feels the same way about me. There is no greater comfort to this slave than confidence and security in her relationship. Padrone, I thank you for always, always giving me the reassurance or clarification I need to stay confident and secure. I adore you, as always, my love. Bacio.