Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends, and to my other friends the same, even if you don't celebrate the holiday that we do, a time of thanksgiving is usually a good thing.
This year, i have been amazingly busy lately and that is good. i'm learning about how to direct a company, so that when we have the official startup on Jan. 1, i will be ready. Or that's the plan at least - lol. We have a board meeting in a couple of weeks, where things will be made official and i will get to speak in my "director-to-be" mode for the first time, officially. It will be made public to both the public and the employees, some of whom aren't quite as excited at the prospect as i am, i must say! It will all work out, and i am smiling as i type this, knowing just how nervous i will become the closer to Dec. 11 it gets.
But lately i have been thinking a lot about a couple of things, one of which seems directly related to the holiday that we Americans are celebrating today. Thankfulness. Gratitude.
i had what i considered a pretty profound thought, and i put it on my "non D/s" facebook as my status this morning:
A thankful heart breeds an humble spirit. I wish you a life of thankfulness.
This was the culmination of several days' worth of "behind the facade" pondering. i've been thinking lately, since Padrone made a rather wonderful statement about how he views me, about what makes me remain so devoted to him. i mean, we don't have the ideal situation for most people, although it isn't totally negative for us. Living an ocean apart is challenging for any relationship, though, as i think anyone might admit. It would be so easy to get lax about serving, and so easy to try to deceive if i did. And i do realize that part of what makes us work is our individual personalities, needs, integrity, and availability.
And so i wondered what else might factor into our success, our happiness. Because we are happy, in a deep, abiding, fulfilling way that only "real love" or whatever can bring.
And i realized that it is because we both know that what we have is rare, and we tend to take time to reflect on our lives, our relationship, each other, and be grateful. It isn't a conscious choice, and sometimes it just kind of hits out of the blue, but we don't take each other for granted...or we try hard not to at least.
Living a life of thankfulness is so different than the typical mindset portrayed in D/s circles of "thank your Master for everything, because you would have/do/be nothing without his permission". That, in my opinion, is a load of crap. i am who i am, and while being Padrone's has taught me to become better, stronger, and more pleasing, it is built on the foundation of *me* that *i* brought into the mix. Padrone had no part in creating me, nor has he consciously molded me into some fantasy slave.
As far as having nothing or doing nothing without Padrone's permission, maybe in theory that could be perceived as being correct. But in reality, i live in another country, have a job, a house, a car, and two kids who depend upon me financially (for the most part, although they both work themselves as well, i pay the bills). i had each of those things when we entered this relationship, and so what? Am i supposed to sign my car over to him, or whatever? No, as a matter of fact, Padrone wants me to buy a more reliable one as soon as i can - lol. It isn't an order, or me having to wait for his permission before buying one (i will, because i know he will ask me questions i haven't thought to ask, and help me make a wise decision). So i have things without his permission. i did "before", i do now, and unless i am sadly mistaken i will in the future as well, simply because of how deeply Padrone respects me. And i also realize that if he chose, he could take what i have, and so there is an element of gratitude that he is the type of Master he is, in my mix of thankfulness.
And as far as doing things, again, we live a freaking ocean apart. We aren't in constant contact. We can't text each other's phones, and so if Padrone is not at his computer (which he is a good part of the day but not always of course), then i might end up asking permission to do something and sitting and waiting for hours before he sees my text and answers it! Totally unrealistic! And of course, i have a job, school, and family obligations that aren't really debatable in terms of whether i do them or not, even if some of it is optional (i only went back to school because Padrone said i could, for instance, and so the inflexibility of my schedule is both with his permission and now out of his control).
So, if it isn't a matter of the "traditional" D/s "gratitude" that i am talking about, what is it?
i am just deeply thankful to have Padrone in my life. i am grateful that he is the kind of man he is, loving, kind, easygoing, teasing, tormenting, rigid when he wants to be, controlling, cruel when he needs to be, and who values me highly no matter what.
Every time i think of him, it seems i have something to be thankful for. And that thankfulness has spread into many, many areas of my life. i don't have to look for, to find, things to be thankful for. i don't feel a need to list them, to prioritize them, to account for them. i don't even need to think of them in any concrete way. They make themselves known to me, because my entire attitude has shifted to finding things i am grateful to have in my life, from a car that runs (most of the time), to my daughter's thoughtfulness to a Wal Mart door greeter, to a son who is working long hours to help ease my burden, to a Master...my man...who has taught me how to love and be loved.
Padrone, on this Thanksgiving Day, although You don't celebrate it, i want to say just how much having You in my life has meant to me. You have helped me become a better woman, simply by accepting me when i wasn't so good and showing me a better me. i am grateful beyond words, to be the woman You love. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone.