Wednesday, October 10, 2007

For my Master

Padrone, You have changed this slave in more ways than she ever dreamed possible. You truly *have* taken a whore and made a slave, but now it seems the time to describe things that have changed, and how, and why.

This morning, when You sent the text waking me up with a task, i did *NOT* want to do it. i pouted mentally, rebelled, griped and complained in my own thoughts, and had a bad attitude in general. But i did as You said, Padrone. As You have said over and over, now there is no choice. i truly have no choice but to surrender and to obey Your wishes, Padrone.

However...i obeyed, Padrone. Eventually i was able to introspect and realize where the 'attitude' was coming from. i had counseling yesterday, and it wasn't an easy session as You know. i am learning that sometimes the aftereffects of such a session include a period of withdrawal, even from You, and as i said this morning, i truly didn't know how to lower the walls myself. For me to even want even see the need to do that.... is a major, and quite obvious, difference from the person You collared. And Padrone... for You to be able to lower them Yourself, speaks tremendous volumes about the place our relationship has grown into. i was, and am, awed by the way You changed my very mood, merely by taking control and willing my heart and body to open to You.

Oh far You have brought me from when we first met.

Then, i was a little girl. i pouted, i sought attention, i compared myself with others constantly, i saw my own faults and wondered why You would even look twice at me. Then, my walls were so high that i didn't even know what was behind them, i was hiding from myself. i had absolutely no desire to submit to another person, and even if i did, i honestly thought that what i gave would be enough. Then, i was scared that when You saw who i am, You would despise me. Then, i felt ugly, unwanted, unloveable, and certainly not valuable. Fear ruled my world, even though i was sassy, witty, and "following" due to my ability to scene well. Then, Padrone, i knew that You deserved a far better slave than i ever thought i could be, even as my heart yearned to be that person.

Padrone, i used to see the slaves that i admired, and i was so intimidated by them. i saw their actions, their devotion....the pride that their Masters had in them, and i was so envious. i wanted it, Padrone, but i couldn't have it.

Until You.

Padrone, i wish i could explain how You changed me. i honestly don't *know* how - it wasn't Your words per se. It was Your expectations as a whole. i will admit that in the beginning i was... well, competing with Your other slave. i knew that i had to be "better" in something, or You would never keep me. i had no idea how to do that, and the immense stress and frustration i felt when You refused to give me specific expectations for my behavior and submission was almost too much. But every now and then i would do something that would bring praise from You, and i gradually learned about what pleases You most, and i began to work hard to do those things, and to try to minimize what didn't please You.

So the behaviors changed. i became calmer, gradually (very gradually i think), and i settled into behaving as Your slave....second slave, i believed in my heart, although You told me that You *had* no first and second slaves, that You merely owned both of us. But i did strive very hard to please You, and i accepted what You could offer me.

The mentality still had not changed, Padrone. i was still hiding behind walls built by a lifetime of abuse and insecurities. i knew to a small degree what was there, but nowhere near the depths.....of the positives OR the negatives.

Then You released Your other slave. Change HAD to happen, Padrone, although i was terrified that i was next for a very long time. i truly thought that if You could release HER, that it would be far easier for You to release ME, and i couldn't accept anything different. i felt that deserved far less than to be Your only slave, Padrone, even though i also knew that i could never again be Yours if You owned another. i simply could not go through the "gymnastics" necessary to accept it again. So still, there were walls, and a long, long way to go for Your slave.

That was a major crisis for me, and one that was totally unexpected for both of us.

But You, my Master, have more patience than anyone i have ever known. You have a way of seeing things that i never could see, and while You say You don't analyze things as deeply as i tend to do, i honestly believe it is more that You analyze them in a different manner, because You give a great deal of thought to what You do. You accept what i give, and only lately have You really begun to push for me to give more, because You KNOW that You truly do own all of me, Padrone, and You want to use that control that You have.

Getting to this place has not been an easy journey. You have had to wait for Your slave to mature, to have some truly life changing moments, in order for her to give freely all that You own. You have accepted me at every stage. You have shown me how You value me, how You care for me, how You love me. You have taught me with specific requirements, what You want from me. You have adapted Your way of owning me as You have relaxed and are now able to be Your true self with me. You have shown me through Your words, emotions, actions, how to change, how to free the slave that has always lived inside of me, how to allow her to be the dominating part of my personality so that i live my entire life to please, to serve, and to worship You with my very being.

i can never give enough, Padrone, to the man who has given me the greatest gift of all - the ability to be myself without reservation, without pause, and to know that i am accepted, valued, cherished for no more, and no less, than who i am. i am needed, wanted, held. i am owned, by Your choice....forever.

You, Padrone, are my world.