Friday, October 30, 2009
i've been thinking a bit more, after typing yesterday's post. i realized that i kind of presented a contraction, without meaning to!
See, i am very much a slave, and Padrone is very much a Master, but our relationship is not usually overtly M/s. So i kind of wanted to explain what makes our "vanilla- looking" relationship, not vanilla.
What has happened in our relationship is that we have learned to trust each other, within the roles we live, and that has allowed us to relax and be ourselves outside the D/s realm. What i mean is that, since Padrone knows i will do all i possibly can to obey him, he doesn't have to oversee me unless he simply wants to do so...he can relax after giving me an order or a task, and know that if i don't get it done, something is wrong. And since i know that he won't overwhelm me to the degree that i can't function in my life here because of things he expects of me, then i can afford to give all my focus on his needs and desires and relax into obeying without worrying about being found "wanting". He won't set me up to fail, and i will put his tasks high on my priority list when i'm given them to do.
That is an example of how we have learned to live D/s within the realm of reality, and the difference between how we live and a vanilla relationship. It just is who we are, how we express our personalities, and a natural part of our relationship. i have rules that are in place, of course....a framework within which i can express my submission without having to think, obsess, or worry about it. This way i obey even when i am not given a specific extra task or orders. And Padrone, even before he set a new rule in place, gave a ton of thought about it in regards to whether or not it was even possible within my circumstances.
The D/s in our relationship is always present. It is always expressed even if not in an obvious way. i don't have to be constantly watched, or overseen, to be obedient. He doesn't have to constantly oversee or watch in order to control. He knows that i don't see him as "weak" if he doesn't feel overtly Dominant. He doesn't see me as disrespectful if i don't feel overtly submissive. The expression of those parts of our personality are so much a part of our everyday life that anything above what is already there is an expression of a deep need.
What makes us not vanilla, even though a lot of our interaction *is* vanilla? The underlying presence of the D/s framework that i am deeply grateful for, and which allows us to be free to express every part of our personalities, not just the limited parts of Master and slave. We live D/s, we don't have to make any effort to show who we are or how we feel. We DO, when we want to, but we don't HAVE to in order to experience the D/s in our relationship.
i love what we have, and how we live. i love knowing that we can talk about every part of our lives and enjoy simply being with each other, without worrying whether or not i'm "topping from the bottom" if i express an opinion strongly, or if he is domineering rather than dominant if he is "too controlling".
i'm not sure if i really answered the original question. All i know is that it has taken a long, long time....lots of sincere communication....building trust over years, not weeks or even months....openness and acceptance....for us to reach the point we are now. It didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen without work and change and lots and lots of discussions of philosophy. It didn't happen simply because Padrone said it would. It didn't happen because i manipulated it into place. It happened because we both took and gave and compromised and grew as people into who we are, so we could have what we have.
And dear Lord, it is worth it.
Padrone, thank You for being who You are to me, for me, and with me. Thank You for allowing me to be myself as well. That is the greatest gift You could ever give me, the freedom to be myself. And yes, i'm on a roll, with even more thoughts rolling around in my poor blonde brain, so maybe more words later, or tomorrow, Padrone! *kiss*
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Well, i've been thinking about something Padrone mentioned, and i guess it's time i type those thoughts out. A warning though, they may not be coherent in the least!
i've typed about how our relationship has evolved into one that looks quite vanilla on the surface. A lot of the ways we interact are "vanilla", without overt D/s overtones apparent. So maybe, just maybe, that begs the question....so what makes me call myself slave?
Is it because of the kinkiness that Padrone and i share? Maybe. Is it because of my desire to please him? Maybe. Is it because of a need to feel his control often throughout my day? Maybe.
It's all of those things and so much more.
My basic personality is one of submissiveness. i am not one of those women who is assertive in her "other life". i am more passive, more of a pleaser, more of a follower under most circumstances than many submissive women are with others than their Master. i have often called myself a wimp. i feel the need for approval of most everyone around me, and that causes me numerous problems at times. (Well, that's changing due to Padrone's influence. Yay!) i do have circumstances when i lead rather than follow, but to be honest a lot of what i do is sit back and watch and learn and either keep my mouth shut or join in. Rarely will i just say "come on, sheesh, let's just get going here!" or whatever.
i realize that part of it is the folks i associate with. i am what is commonly called "underemployed". The type of person one associates with regularly while underemployed aren't necessarily the type who are willing to accept input. So it's a case of "mouth shut, do work, get paid". Hey, i LIKE the get paid bit! With professionals, i tend to judge myself and find myself lacking and all intimidated and such, so i am passive then as well. At church it's a different kind of thing. i merely *act* passive there. i socialize of course, and enjoy it, but they are also a far more....strict....kind of devoted worshipper than i have grown into being, and that kind of leads me to keep my mouth shut there as well, nod and smile and listen to the spouting of less tolerant views that i hold. Even with my kids there is a large part of myself held back, which is only natural. :)
But it's the same way with everyone. We each exhibit different behaviors in different circumstances, and even for the most Dominant person there is a time for silence and passive behavior. That's living life in general. So what makes me different? What is it about myself that makes me call myself a slave?
First would naturally have to be the extreme submissiveness of my personality. i *can* take charge, and i have when necessary. i enjoy it at times and to a degree. But i would never want to have that kind of control/responsibility for another person, or persons, all the time. For me, serving others comes naturally, in a way that makes them happy. For me, giving of myself until i am empty and letting Padrone take over is the most fulfilling thing i can think of.
But i am sure there are "vanilla" women who love to please their partners as well, even if maybe not to the same degree or with the same level of acceptance. Even the kinkiness of our relationship reflects that need to give, and to take on his part, that is present in so many relationships. So what else?
Maybe that very acceptance of the submissive part of my personality. i mean, society nowadays has us all wondering about our roles, men and women alike, and it isn't easy saying "this is how i am". i am no longer struggling...not with my submissive nature itself, nor the depth of it. Each of those items has been a very difficult issue for me at some point in my journey. But accepting it meant that i could begin to explore and find out what acting on that submission meant. It opened a door that i didn't even realize was there before i simply said "i'm submissive". It has really opened my eyes to what are probably the biggest differences between me and a "vanilla" partner.
i need. i need, very deeply, many many things. i have clawing needs to be known, to be understood, to be accepted just as i am. i need to change, once i am accepted, into being the best person i can be. i need to be needed, without restraint and without shame. i need to be seen as the very bad, terrible person i sometimes see myself as, and to be made to feel that i'm still loved, wanted, needed. i need to be taken back into the terrible mindset through humiliation, now and then, and safely brought back and loved even more deeply. i need to show just how much i love someone else by doing whatever is asked of me. i need to open myself, keeping nothing hidden....all the good, all the bad, the innocent, the silly, the selfish, the giving....the demons and the amazing *good* that exist side by side within the person of me. i need to show all of that, to reveal the depths of who i am, and be accepted. i need to pour myself out, and to be refilled with Padrone....i need to lose some ways of thinking, about the world, about others, about myself...and see things through the eyes of the man i respect more than i could ever express.
i need the emotional security that only living as a slave can grant me. i need to know that i am loved as unconditionally as one human could love another. i need to have the pillar of my life be one that is secure and unmoving, stable, continuing and unchanging in the important ways. i need to know that my holding on to that pillar is welcome, needed, not a hindrance or a burden. i need to know that, no matter how deeply i need, i am equally as deeply needed. i need to understand that even my ugliness is not a deterrent to my pleasing him. i need to trust, deeply and irrevocably and without doubts. i need to know that the one in whom i trust is worthy of it. i need to be able to go to him with small and large things, to call at a moment's notice to speak of a very slim chance of a good job, or to hear his pride when i move further into my certification. i need to know that i can simply talk things through, clarifying them as i go, and he will listen even when i confuse him, simply because he understands the way i think.
And i need to understand that physical things will be expected, demanded of me. i need to know that he can take what he wishes from me, mentally, physically, emotionally....especially when i don't want to give it. i need to be controlled, to be accountable for my actions, my words, my desires. i need to be taken and shown that kind of control, even when i don't want it, simply to meet the need that is difficult to admit. And i need to understand that HE understands when pushing me would do more harm than good.
i need to know that the respect i feel is deserved by the one i give myself to. i need to feel intensely grateful for things in my life. i need to give the credit for so many of the good things to someone else - so that i can be freed to simply enjoy them. And i need to give....and give and give and give....
i need the structure of expectations on my time, my thoughts, my behaviors. i need to live by the basic concept of choices and consequences, punishment and reward. i need to be accountable for my actions. i need the framework i have in place now, and i need to know that my behaviors and words reflect on my Master, even if noone else realizes that they do.
i honestly have no idea how to coherently put into words what makes me a slave, someone who could never live in a "vanilla" relationship now. So many of the things i mentioned have been established long ago, so that what we live now may *seem* vanilla to some folks on the outside looking in.
All i know is that what we have is very much M/s, even if we have never met. Who we are - most definitely Master, and most definitely slave. We live within the realm of reality, rather than a fantasy world of D/s, and living as a slave in a M/s relationship has allowed my slave nature to be revealed and explored in ways i have never experienced before. It has been interesting, fun, and challenging to learn about myself as a slave, and it has only been possible because Padrone is the kind of Master he is.
Padrone, i know this isn't exactly what we talked about in terms of a blog topic, but i also know that you don't care that i didn't type exactly what you suggested. :) It is, as you have repeatedly said, my blog....my thoughts....my topics....my words. i am deeply grateful for the respect you show me in that attitude, Padrone, as well as for so much more that you do...say...and give to me, your devoted and grateful slave.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
i've been "stuck" when thinking about what to type here, lately. In a way that's not a bad thing, because the kind of person i am means that i don't typically type about my daily life, or about specific interactions with Padrone (on a regular basis, it sometimes happens of course. Maybe i should do that more often, huh?). For me, it's usually something that has been on my mind that makes me stop and go "oh yeah" or "wow", or even thoughts that are sparked by words on other blogs or from conversations with other people. Used to i had a lot of thoughts like this, more than now i guess. i have wondered why, and i really think it is mainly because our relationship is more settled, the growth is ... calmer, for lack of a better way to describe it. There are fewer emotional disturbances, dramatic shifts from high to low (note that i did NOT say "fewer dramatic highs and lows", because the highs are always wonderful and getting more high and more dramatic).
What i mean to say is that our relationship is wonderful (NOT perfect by any means, but a very good relationship), and settled from the initial drama, into a pretty consistent "great". Last night, on the way home from work, i was thinking about how happy i am. Just happy. i can honestly say i don't remember just feeling happy about my life, without a "yes but" entering into it. But now...i can.
No, life isn't perfect. Circumstances aren't easy. Not having ever touched my Master. Unfulfilling, boring, job. Very tight finances. The ex. Job hunting. Etc.
But i'm safe. i'm loved. i'm accepted - even the things i never knew about myself because i refused to dig deep enough into the ugliness to see. i'm wanted, needed, held in great esteem by the man who has simply and quietly rocked my world.
He and i talked about what i could type here this week. i'm kind of drawing a blank lately, and it's because a lot of what i type is related to where we are in our relationship. It's good, and i love doing it, but lately Padrone has finally had a taste of the "boring" He needs when things get, and stay, extremely stressful. So it's kind of hard to find things to type about. So anyway, i asked Him earlier this week, and the thought He presented as an idea is one that is still rattling around in my blonde brain. But last night, as i was thinking about it on the way home from work, it really hit me that i am happy in every sense of our relationship.
i mean, truly, soul-deep happy.
That has never happened to me before. The contented kind of happiness that means that i am smiling as i sit at my computer while Padrone is a bit grumpy, knowing that if we were together, i'd simply go about my business, doing chores, or reading, or something inconspicuous...yet almost unconsciously picking up on His vibe so that if He wants or needs me, i'd be around. The kind of happiness that doesn't require reassurance, constant attention, petting, stroking, building, or tending to keep burning. This kind of happiness exists because of the knowledge that it was created by something real, strong, and lasting.
This is going to sound strange, i think, and many may not know exactly what i mean when i say it - but i am happy in a "vanilla" sort of way.
There are times when we in M/s rely too much on feelings to sort of gauge where our relationships are. If we are "feeling" Dominant/submissive, then our relationship is fulfilling and we're happy. If we aren't "feeling" those things, then something is obviously "wrong". i don't agree, but i realize that i am speaking strictly from the perspective i have now - not what i had when our relationship was young.
What i mean is that, now, my being happy has a different cause. i'm happy simply because i am in a relationship with Padrone. Because of who we are, our relationship will always be M/s, but truthfully, the M/s dynamic is expressed less consciously as time passes, allowing the more "vanilla" dynamic to happen...and the simple happiness i find flowing through my entire life is due far more to the "vanilla" dynamic than the M/s. Why? Well, it is the one that will allow us to walk through the mall when we're old, holding hands like the "sweet old couples" we all see. It won't be because i am His slave, it will be because i am the woman in His life, that He loves. He *does* love me because i am His slave, it's a major part of my personality. But He loves me because of most of the rest of my personality, and in spite of parts of my personality, as well. And vice versa of course.
So, here i am, one happy woman in spite of circumstances, and simply because of the love Padrone and i have. Maybe this is a mushy post, but it isn't intended to be. i'm not feeling unusually mushy, i'm just....yes i know y'all are tired of hearing it but...i'm just plain HAPPY, darnit!
And yes, i do love You Padrone. *kiss*
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Padrone, as y'all may know by now, is Italian. He loves Italy, of course, and really enjoys sharing His culture with me and with others. He does so through various means, but one which i will share with you is through music.
Padrone translates songs from Italian into English, subtitles videos with the translations, and posts the videos on youtube. Personally, i love them, and it's just time to share them with others. So i'll embed a couple here, and try to figure out a way to make them a permanent, yet periodically rotating, part of my blog. If y'all have any ideas on how to do this, AND the ability to teach a challenged woman how, please let me know!
For now, i'll simply embed them into posts now and then, and hope that y'all will search for the others if you're interested. His name there is FrantiSir. :)
From mushy to fun!:
i am also including more of "Italy" on my blog. i've added a couple of things to the layout but i'm not sure which will stay, if either of them will. The pics of Italy on the sidebar and the Italian word of the day, obviously at the top of the blog - each of them will bring a bit of Padrone and His world to y'all as well. i hope y'all enjoy it!
Padrone, i love You, i love Your country, and Your culture. The language is beautiful even if i am too challenged to learn it well! i am proud to be owned by an Italian man, proud that You choose to share Your love of Your culture with me, and proud to be Your slave...Your woman. Thank You for simply being who You are, my Master.
Monday, October 12, 2009
So last week i was sick. i had H1N1 (i *just* learned it isn't N1H1 like i thought for so long. Who cares anyway? It will always be swine flu to most of us!) i got and took Tamiflu very early after the onset of symptoms, so the duration of my own illness wasn't long. i still feel a bit congested in my chest, and cough a little, but i am MUCH better, believe me! So is my son, who is back at school, btw.
But something rather interesting happened last week, on the very day i got sick. Padrone, the night before, had assigned a task for me to perform when i got up the next morning, and i was to text when i had done it. I had to work very early, and this task was one he had never asked of me before....it was also extremely humiliating.
Well, i had coughed a tiny bit late that night, and woke up coughing that morning, and i simply forgot to do the task. That makes me squirm and want to justify myself even just typing it! But from worrying about my son, about leaving him alone with him so sick, and wondering if i should call in to work or go (i had had a sore throat over the weekend and couldn't be *absolutely* sure i was getting H1N1....and calling in is something i would feel stupid about in a "what if" kind of situation)...anyway, all of those things combined with my feeling ill, simply ran the thing out of my mind.
i failed to obey.
When Padrone realized it, and saw that i had indeed gone to work, he assigned a different task...one that was in the same ballpark as the first, but he also included a caveat - if i didn't do this second task, all day long, then i would have to be punished.
Now, as an aside, i will tell you that Padrone HATES to punish me almost as much as i hate to be punished. Wait, that's not entirely accurate on my part. i hate being punished but i hate DESERVING punishment even more! Anyway, the system we devised after several emotional punishments was that i have a container with several slips of paper on it, with a different punishment on each paper. Padrone and i came up with them together, and He told me which ones to include on the slips of paper. When i need to be punished in a way that doesn't have a "built in" punishment, i have to pick a punishment randomly from the container and do it. It works because i know what is there, so i know the options for punishment. i won't be surprised by something - and he won't have to think of new things or even remember what has worked in the past, because it is in place. Consequences for actions - pretty equal in severity - ALL chosen by Padrone, the specific one randomly chosen by me.
Well, i said it works, but frankly i am not punished very often, so this has actually never been used. i think Padrone is kind of looking forward to it!
So, if i didn't do the alternate task all day long, i would have to pick a punishment.
i got too ill to work very soon after i got there, as i kind of expected, and went home and straight to bed, after taking medicine. i slept from sheer exhaustion and woke up more ill every time i slept. i missed the task, and when i texted Padrone to let him know, i begged to have the punishment postponed until after i was better....but i really was upset at being punished anyway because of how sick i was...i really don't think i *could* have done what he wanted. It wasn't something very dramatic... i was only allowed to use the bathroom during the first 5 minutes of every hour, and i used it at a different time. i just woke up and had to pee, so i did without thinking about it until i got back into bed.
i was so upset, with myself and as time passed, with Padrone. i'm not sure, now, why i was so upset with HIM, except i had told him i was sick with the flu and sleeping most of the time, and usually when i am that sick he lifts the physically restricting requirements (like wearing the brush tail and lapping the bowl first thing in the morning...not something i could do while coughing like i was, etc.) He understands, of course...and i was so surprised when he didn't tell me not to worry about the punishment, that he knew i couldn't restrict my bathroom use to that degree when i was so sleepy and druggy and sick. But he didn't, he simply agreed to postpone the punishment, so i got upset.
Poor Padrone - lol. i cried and cried when we talked that night, cried and coughed and wheezed and i know he didn't understand half of what i was saying! But he said "we'll talk about it when you're better". Ugh. i really hate that, although i KNOW it is wise to do, but *i* feel like something is hanging over my head!
Yesterday i asked him about it.
He rescinded the punishment.
So why am i typing about it?
The reason he gave is that he thought about my circumstances and decided that punishing me would not be fair. It really hit me all over again just how lucky i am. Not that he didn't punish me, although i am DEEPLY grateful for that, as i would have felt resentful and pouted if he had, and i would have had something to get over and i hate getting over things! But i am so grateful that Padrone takes the time to ponder things, to think about them and try to see as many perspectives of the same situation as he can to make as fair a decision as possible.
It made me think, as per usual. Padrone used to tell me that life as a slave was unfair, when i would complain about it. Even now there are times, when he wants to feel the power in a strong way, when he will reiterate the unfairness of my chosen role in our relationship. But he has learned, and i have learned, and we have both grown in this particular aspect of our relationship and now his idea of punishing me is one that i am DEEPLY grateful for.
He simply hates to do it, but he will when necessary, and since i know that because of his consistency in punishing when i need it, then i try very hard to NOT deserve it. AND since he knows THAT about ME, when i do something like forget a task, he recognizes how totally out of character it is, and he begins to look at circumstances.
That day he was so surprised that i didn't do what i was told to do, that he immediately understood that something had prevented it - so instead of immediately punishing he assigned an alternate task. He was faced with a situation he has never faced with me, when i failed in that as well.
But what he did was give himself time away from my sickness-enhanced emotions to think and to look and see just what he had asked of me and just how i would complete it, and he realized that since i was so sick and sleeping and drugged, it was totally understandable that i would have answered nature's call instinctively as i did when i peed when i wasn't allowed to. (i was really so sick and sleepy that i don't remember even going into the bathroom!) In other words, he took the time to look objectively at the circumstances surrounding my disobedience and realized that they were extenuating enough to prevent my total focus on obedience that i try very hard to give. Bottom line, he was fair.
Now, had he thought differently after that kind of perusal, we still would have discussed it. He had said "we'll talk about it when you're better", and that meant we would talk about it, not that he would hand down a decision on THIS particular thing, unilaterally. It could have happened that way of course, and i would have honored it if it had. of course. But he chose to include my input, because he recognized how uncharacteristic my actions were, and he really wanted to know why. His thoughts led him there, but if they hadn't, he planned on listening to my words to understand me a bit better.
We're at the place where understanding the reasons for disobedience is more important than punishment. Disobedience is not something either of us desire - hence rules that challenge but aren't impossible, and designed to fit my life and lifestyle. He hates to punish, have i mentioned that? And i hate to fail, to deserve to be punished....and so what is in place is something that allows us to live our lives naturally and happily, rather than him waiting for the next drama, and me waiting for the shoe to drop all the time. Obedience is what he wants from me, so he puts in place things that allow me to be obedient rather than set me up to fail.
And so, when i can't or don't obey....usually i will text with details why, and he has an idea of what is happening until we can talk in more detail. What happened last week was extremely unusual, and i am so grateful that Padrone acted the way he did and treated me with fairness. Even if he had chosen to punish, it was very fair of him to take the time to think about it and keep the option open to hear my thoughts if needed.
Padrone, i am going to reiterate just how incredibly blessed i am to have you as my Master. You are simply wonderful to me, and i am so deeply grateful - and yes, i acknowledge that some of the gratitude stems from the fact that You chose not to punish me. But that particular choice sent me down a path of gratitude and pondering that will make it even easier for me to feel grateful when You feel it necessary *to* punish, even if i disagree. i have peeked a bit more into Your mind - looking at the way You do things and not just what You do, and that will smooth paths in the future for Your "have to understand why obsessively" slave.
Thank You for honoring me with Your respect for my thoughts and feelings, and thank You for showing Your love for me in so many ways. i am grateful that You taught me, long ago, to look for those ways.
i adore You, my Love.
i'm a great read! Alright, so there are blogs "out there" that get every peer acknowledgement known to man, and it doesn't bother me one bit since i type here for Padrone and myself, and love when others read and comment, but don't make "others" or their opinions the reason for my blog. i am the type of person who would go insane trying to please everyone, and obsess if someone disagreed with me, if i had any other attitude, so i don't!
Anyway, spirited listed my blog as a Great Read, which is quite flattering and i am honored that someone i admire so much feels the same about my words!
Here are a few of my own Great Reads. i won't list many simply because many have already been listed by others, but some i simply cannot resist because they truly *are* great reads!
1. spirited - she has a wonderful way with words, and an insight that stems from circumstances that would be challenging if they were the only ones, but which combine to make her insights into D/s, and slavery, very meaningful. It is obvious that she lives what she types...the best kind of blog out there!
2. mouse - mouse is another slave that lives what she types, or types what she lives may be a more accurate description. She is so honest and open about her life and her emotions, and so much of what she says simply hits home with me. i don't comment on her blog much because frankly, i don't have much to say other than "i totally agree"!
3. Sir J - It isn't often that i read a Dom's blog and think to myself - he "gets" it. This is one of those blogs. It is obvious that he uses what Padrone calls common sense in his view of his relationship, and i admire a Dom who can and does look at all aspects of *being* a Dom very carefully, and doesn't simply say "i'm Dom, kneel bitch" or whatever.
4. Vesta - she has a refreshing viewpoint so often, a perspective that is fun and sometimes whimsical, but which opens my eyes to new and different ways to look at things. Her topics are wide and varied as well, which is really interesting. Hers makes me think!
5. libby - the first D/s blog other than my own i ever read. Libby was pretty new as a submissive when i met her, and she has grown from there into a wonderfully giving and loving slave (and new wife) to Sir Peter, a mum to Poppy, and is learning and growing and so busy but yet her posts are thoughtful. i've watched her blog grow and change, and really enjoy reading her words.
6. luna - a blog i can't stay away from. She is so open with her emotions, her struggles, her failures, her frustrations... and her iron gate website has SO much information out there!
That's all i am going to name here. i do read others, but some are so recent that i can't honestly call them "great" reads, and some have been tapped by several others so i chose not to inflate egos here. :)
Btw, i have really enjoyed checking out blogs of those who have listed Great Reads, and this is one of those "acknowledgement" things i'm glad is going around!
Enjoy, and thanks again, spirited!!!
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Not much meaningful in this post, i'm afraid. Son called me at work the other day and told me that he has swine flu (N1H1 for the purists), and he wanted to come home. So of course i went to get him. And of course i also contracted it.
He didn't get the Tamiflu soon enough for it to be extremely effective, but i did (i *knew* i had been exposed to it, so started taking it as soon as i showed symptoms). i am sure it isn't as severe a strain of flu as others out there, but i can say son has been pretty sick with it. i was too but again, mine should be far shorter in duration - the symptoms at least.
Anyway, this is the first day i have felt like being here, and just wanted to update and let anyone interested know why i haven't been around.
i'll type something meaningful as soon as i can.
*kissing her Master for all His patience and concern*