Monday, March 28, 2011


Well, i have new requirements. i almost typed "new rules" but actually some of the rules have been done away with completely so that is not accurate.

I am not restricted from use of furniture anymore, which means that (if i can remember) i can sit on the couch or the recliner without special permission, for longer than the hour a day i was allowed before. Of course, Padrone may restrict anything at any time, but as an ongoing rule, this one has been dropped.

So has the requirement that i wear my vibrating eggs when i go out. He said that he never used them to torment me, so he didn't see the use of me wearing them anymore.

My "first thing in the morning" rule has changed as well. Now i don't have to wear a brush "tail" and lap from a bowl (for which i am extremely grateful). Now i am to wear the cock dildo in my ass for 15 minutes every morning instead. This is a long, thick cock so it isn't an "easy" task swapped for a difficult one, but it isn't as humiliating so it will be easier in that way. Of course, having one's ass filled every morning is humiliating in and of itself, but not nearly as bad as what i *was* doing. For sure.

And the last change relates strictly to our communication. i am to be on IRC at certain times every day, waiting for him. i have known that he prefers me to be there waiting for him, but now and then i get busy elsewhere, either online or in "real life" and he has been the one waiting for me. And actually, this is the first time my being online at all, much less at a specific time, has been a requirement. i just realized that. Maybe that's why i kind of feel ambivalent about this rule. Maybe it's because i know i will break it now and then, simply because i am who i am.

But the other rules are ... i don't know, they are rules that i can kind of...well, wearing the cock, for instance...i choose when and where to do that. There is a bit of flexibility built into that rule, as there was the brushtail/lapping rule. And the other changes have been relaxing of rules, although from what was said this morning i expect more rules to be introduced when i have gotten used to these changes. More practical things, not simply things that Padrone says to do simply because he can.

But the last rule is one that is very, very specific. There is a specific time involved. i know that if i am there a minute or two late, now and then, it won't be a major issue...and he knows that i will be there at the right time as much as possible, because he knows me.

And, no matter what he says, i will beat myself up over the smallest infraction, especially if it is something like losing track of time, or a trip to town taking longer than expected, that is the reason for it.

So, loosening of some restrictions, changing some requirements, and adding a new rule altogether. Something very surprising to wake up to on a Monday morning, i must say!

Padrone, thank you for time to adjust to these changes, and thank you for being willing to talk about them when we can. i love you, Padrone.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Is D/s all there is?

i have a lot of thoughts, just none well formed enough to type about here. I have opinions on things i have seen written in other blogs, and things that have been discussed in the IRC channel we frequent, but again, nothing firm enough to type about here.

Except maybe something i read about in a blog, which seems to have sparked some comments in other blogs. It is something that i have said here before, and something i believe very strongly regarding.

Nobody can live in a static D/s relationship 24/7/365.

Before anyone gets offended or angry, i will explain my reasons for saying it.

First, it is totally unfair to each other to expect that. Yes. Really.

It is unfair and unrealistic to expect a submissive to follow a set of rules and never make a mistake. It is unfair to punish for every tiny mistake she makes. It is unfair to set up a totally unrealistic expectation of absolute perfection in behavior, and often in "attitude" as well, and make the submissive feel like crap for every tiny infraction. It is unrealistic to expect a submissive to have to explain, at times in minute detail, the "reasons" behind every infraction, no matter how small it may be, or no matter that she had a last minute phone call and got distracted (i know, i know, the worst sin of them all, getting "distracted from Master's wishes"). It is unfair to have the belief that she has no other purpose in life except that which Master "wants her to have", as if her dreams and fantasies and desires are as under Master's control as her behavior may be.

Being a submissive is not fair, in most ways...

But neither is being a Master.

Let's face it, folks. No matter what it looks like from the outside looking into our dynamic, Masters do not have whatever they want, whenever they want it. Submissives tend to be a needy lot, with a ton of emotional baggage that can be a dead weight on any relationship. Masters need to be needed to solve problems, many of them have the "dragonslayer" need, which i find very nice indeed. But guess what? They, too, have intense pressure to be "ON" 24/7/365. Needs don't come and go on a whim, nor can they be turned off by a switch (or an order or command or even request), so when the submissive needs from the Master, then it is his "job" to help meet that need. No, i'm not talking physical needs here, or rather, not sexual needs. But we can't control when crises happen any more than we can control the weather. And if it rains we whip out our umbrella and voila - instant protection. We submissives tend to think we can do the same with our Doms....we need, we tell them of crisis, and voila - instant release from responsibility ... instant protection - and we can simply smile and let him handle whatever it is.

That, my friends, is as unrealistic as expecting a submissive to be perfect all the time. It isn't as generally acknowledged as a submissive's expectations, however, simply because a sub's punishment is both external and intrinsic, whereas Doms are allowed to simply be punished internally with no, or few, visible consequences. It often looks as if Doms are never punished, and sometimes they aren't because of the internal nature of it all.

Which brings me to my point, something i have said over and over again but which bears repeating now:

D/s is not a relationship. D/s is a dynamic by which a relationship is expressed, and if it is the ONLY means of expression, then the relationship cannot succeed.

There HAS to be "down time"...times when the relationship between man and woman is more important than whether or not the clothes have been put away or the magazines placed exactly the precise way Master wants them, and even more important than Master "never showing 'weakness' or admitting that he doesn't have all the answers.

Since our relationship is long distance, there is built in "down time", just as there is a strong and sturdy framework of rules for me to follow daily. But even if we were living together, i am absolutely confident that Padrone would not expect me to behave as someone who cannot think for her self at all since i know he doesn't like to micromanage. And it isn't micromanaging that is what i am referring to here, just so there is no misunderstanding.

He expects me to think for myself, but to actually "think" and not simply make a choice because one must be made. He has taught me, shown me tools that i never knew i possessed, that have allowed me to make far better, more well-thought-out decisions than i used to make. But he never made a conscious decision that he was going to teach me to think ahead more clearly, or make better decisions, or even to "give me the tools to live a better life" or whatever. I have changed a lot, done a lot of maturing and growing, yes. But it is due as much to the "rest" of our relationship as it is to the D/s, if not more. i know i am a good submissive. What Padrone has done to change my life more than anything else is to encourage me to believe that i am also a good woman. That is the most important ingredient of them all....our acknowledgement of, and love for, the "rest" of each other. Anyone can Dom/sub, but few seem to be able to maintain a highly successful, positive, HAPPY D/s relationship, without keeping the "rest" as a high priority, if not THE highest.

We can get so ... involved in being the best Master/slave we can be, that we can lose ourselves in the role we have chosen. If the only way we ever relate to our partners is within the D/s dynamic, then that is all our relationship becomes. That means that the Master is nothing more than Master..."instant Dominance, just add compliance to my will"....and the submissive becomes nothing more than submissive...."instant submission, just add orders, rules, and punishment".

i have said it before, and i will say it again. There are no perfect Masters, and no perfect slaves. Each role is very demanding and requires us to behave in ways we may not wish to behave at times, but....each role is just that... a role...a defined part for us to play within the entity that is the relationship.

And if the reason that there is only that type of relating to one another within a relationship is that you don't know if there *is* anything else, then maybe it is time to look beyond the titles into the people.

Padrone, i am so very, very grateful that you love me as the woman who gives her all to you, and not simply as a slave that obeys as best she can. And i am even more grateful that you understand clearly what i mean by that distinction.

i love you, my love.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Manic Sunday

Not really, I just needed a title for a blog post and it popped into my head. Today has actually been rather relaxed and fun, even if stupid school assignments make me want to throw my computer through a window - lol.

I mean really. How many times do we have to prove that we know what a freaking discourse community is????

Anyway, I'm kind of worried since I am making As on everything and that class's final grade is based on improvement rather than each paper being weighed equally, and I honestly don't know what it will take to show improvement. But then again, I am a 46 year old woman with a degree already, and this course is designed for kids who were in high school last year. This is no more painfully obvious than by those students who think that quoting the "findings" of an article summarizing a study will make the teacher think they have read the entire article, or the student who makes the argument that "I didn't know nurses had dreams" and can't understand why the rest of the class doesn't take his "position" seriously!

My other class, on the other hand, seems to have some more serious students in it, so it is a lot more fun and interesting. I have an A in that class too, btw, so far. I've missed 4 out of 325 points, so I'm not complaining.

Anyway, I've also had a spring cold, coughing and sniffling and sore throat. That's all the symptoms though, so I don't feel as bad as I might if I had sinus pressure or fever or headache. Just chest congestion and related things, so it's not so bad.

So now my daughter and I are sitting at the lake near our town, under a picnic pavilion, while I do schoolwork and she transfers the photos she has just taken to her computer. It's peaceful and beautiful, quite warm and lovely with the dogwoods beginning to blossom and the sun at that gorgeous stage of mellowness.

And I'm happy.

Padrone, thank you for being patient with my grumpiness while I have been under the weather, and for loving me anyway. *kiss*

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Being Used

When i am used, i don't feel sexy. i know that Padrone enjoys me very, very much when i am in the throes of agony, need, or whatever he wishes for me to feel. i know he gets aroused so often, when i am lost in my surrender.

And i have seen that some girls seem to be able to do and feel sexy while they are in the midst of being used, even if it is harsh or humiliating or both.

But i don't.

And i am SO grateful that Padrone needs what i offer. i love that he loves using me. i love that he finds his sexual pleasure in my use. The control that he thrives on is SO powerful. That is the most arousing thing, mentally as well as physically....control...and totally releasing that control.

Yes, i do crave and enjoy the use - physically and mentally. God i have some amazing orgasms during his use. Or even if i'm not allowed to, i get the mental.... i don't know what the word is, the terminology, the way to explain the mental place that i go to, and the absolute RELEASE...of what though? Who knows? Who really cares?

But i do not feel sexy in any way or fashion. i don't feel as if i could do or say anything that would in any way be sexy or arousing or bring anyone to orgasm.

But Padrone loves when i am in tears, or begging, or screaming with pain, depending on his need from his slave at the moment. There have been times when i have done all of the above, and more. Who would ever imagine that a fuckpig squealing and drooling and sobbing with pain/suffering/ need/edge would bring anyone to fulfillment?

But, no matter my feelings, my lack of ability to feel or be sexy or sensual, Padrone uses me for his ultimate, utter, wonderful pleasure.

And Padrone, i must say that makes me feel loved, cherished, needed....and sexy as hell.