Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Love is Kind

1 Corinthians 13:4 goes on to say that love is kind. i do realize that "kind" is not an adjective that would typically be used to describe a Dominant, but Padrone is so much more than "just" a Dom. He is an entire man, and He has allowed me inside His life to such a degree that i can see the kindness that is such an inherent part of the man that He is. (Don't tell Him i said that though. Might ruin His image. *wink*)

How does He show kindness to me? Well, some of the ways i'm going to talk about, He would brush aside by saying "I'm just taking care of my property." But kind gestures aren't easily overlooked by someone whose soul was almost dried for lack of them.

His touches in channel, the way He comments and praises me there are examples of that. Yes, i know He loves to show me off, and i know that He loves the things i do for Him publicly....but for Him to comment so positively, to praise so easily...and so sincerely....those things mean so much to me that i have no words for them. His kindness extends to so many other things as well, far too many to mention, and yet i will try. Padrone, i mean no disrespect, and i don't take anything for granted, even if i don't list something specifically that You do to show me kindness.

He listens. No, i mean He really listens. It's not just hearing words while waiting for His "turn" to speak. When we have problems, or even if i'm just rambling, He listens and hears what i have to say. That doesn't mean that He thinks i am right, nor does He give that impression. But i won't ever forget one time when i was a bit upset, and when i explained why, it made Him think about His own attitude towards something......and He said so....You are making me think. What an honor, one that every submissive out there will understand. And His attitude changed. Not dramatically. There was no fanfare or pronouncement that from now on *this* would change. But the next time the same situation happened, it was handled differently. He listens. And he hears.

He gives when my need is deep. Whatever i need, He finds a way to give it. He changed His attitude about giving me reassurance of His feelings and my place with Him, for instance. There was a time when He had the attitude.....i've told you, that should be enough. And He's right, it should be enough. It would be for a different woman, i know. i have worn His collar for 18 months today, however, and i still get "silly" and wonder things i know i have no reason to wonder. But guess what. When i get that way, He reassures me, sometimes with humor, sometimes with ... the most impatience He ever shows, which isn't much... sometimes with gentleness, sometimes with deep emotion. He gives whatever it takes, to give reassurance, pain, pleasure, deep control, whatever i need....even if i don't know i need it....

He thinks of me. He doesn't always let me know it, but there are times, like just the other night, when out of the blue He said something that made me know that i am as strongly "with" Him as He is with me. (the book reminding You of me, is the comment i am talking about, Padrone). There have been other times, but such things are so special when they just.....pop up into conversation.

He likes spending time with me, even if it's just talking about the weather. Alright, i know that's mundane, but He DOES live in a totally different part of the world, yanno. And we spent a lot of time last night, for instance, talking about music and my daughter's schooling. It was just being together that was the whole purpose, and it was to spend time with me that He stayed so late for Him, giving up some of His sleep simply to be with me. He just likes to spend time with me. Amazing, isn't it?

He is interested in my life as a whole. He loves to hear about my family, my work, my daily life, all the boring i love to hear the same about Him, of course, and He tells me sometimes on His own, sometimes when i ask. But the interest in a boring country girl's life is kind, in my opinion

He appreciates things that i do for Him, even small things like sending texts beyond what is required of me to send. He appreciates not only things i do, but also me as a whole. Even when i fail, He usually appreciates the effort i have given to try to please Him.

He believes that i am human, and doesn't expect perfection. From my experience, that is a VERY kind thing of a Dom, and of a man. i am far more upset when i fail than He is, and far harder on myself than He is as well. He punishes and it's over. i do the punishment then beat myself up over it, and when i'm done with that, i dwell on it and ponder where i went wrong and such.....then if i'm lucky, it's over. If He were the kind of Master who demanded perfection, i would be in serious trouble. Not because i fail very often, but because of my own reaction to failure. If He reacted more strongly, i would be a basket case. To me, the knowledge that He won't ask more of me than i can provide is kindness.

And of course, the ultimate kindness........the fact that He values my real life as much as He does our time online. To Him, i am not just a nick on a computer screen, or a voice on the phone. Whenever He ponders a new restriction or rule, or any other kind of change, He always CAREFULLY considers how it will affect my entire life, not just giving me another requirement that He can punish me for if i don't or can't fulfill. And once He asked me if i thought i could do one thing, since it was a more invasive requirement into my life outside the computer, than any others to that date.

When we think of someone being kind, we think of far different things than what i have listed, i think. But i have learned that there are a huge variety of ways to show kindness, and love, than i first imagined when i met Padrone.

Padrone, thank You for Your kindness, for Your patience. Thank You for teaching me that love comes in different ways, and is measured with different scales, than what i ever imagined it could be. You have opened my eyes to a new and deep level of contentment, one i honestly thought was all a fantasy. You truly are the "One" i had heard so much about, but which i thought was all a hearts and flowers romantic notion. i am blessed to belong to such a man. i am blessed to belong to You.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Love is patient.

1 Corinthians 13:4 begins with the words "Love is patient".

How many times have i commented on Padrone's patience? How many times have i thought of how remarkable it is that He hasn't lost His patience with me more than once....or twice......or.....well, never mind.

i have thought so often about love, what it is and how to express it. i kept coming back to the description of love in the Bible, and the expression seems to come naturally to You, my Master. i honestly think one makes a choice to love. i believe that love is the ultimate action, not an emotion.

Let's face it, when we say "I love you", the verb (action word) is love. Love is something we do, not only something we feel. Yes, there are emotions involved, but the emotions are based on how someone's actions affect us. We tend to feel loving when someone's actions affect us positively, not so loving when they affect us negatively.

However, if we realize that love is something we choose to DO, then that changes things. When i finally chose to see that in terms of Padrone, it changed me dramatically. i finally began to look at what He would do and say, the ways He would show His love, rather than sighing and bemoaning the fact that the words "i love you" are rare from Him.

One of the first things i realized, when i did begin to look at His actions as evidence of His feelings, was that His incredible patience wasn't just because it is His nature to be so patient. He chose me a long time ago. He knew that when He chose to collar me that it would be an intimate, loving kind of relationship. He understood that He would have no choice but to be patient, to see how i developed, who i became as we got closer and the relationship deepened. He chose, long ago, to show His care for me by extending His amazing patience to include my growth as a woman and a slave.

Padrone, i know that i don't deserve the kind of patience You have shown towards me, except for the fact that YOU have chosen that i deserve it. i am honored, Padrone, by that, the fact that before You really knew me, You felt that i am deserving of Your love, as shown by Your amazing patience.

i am learning to love by being Your slave. i thank You, my Master.

i was made to love You,
i was made to find You,
i was made just for You,
Made to adore You,
i was made to love....and be loved by You...

Monday, January 29, 2007

surrender, revisited

After the famine on my blog, there is a feast. It seems that i can't help but to express thoughts here today. i apologize for three posts in one day - i realize it is a lot of reading for those that pay attention, but i was driven in some way to type all of this today. Thanks for the patience, and thanks for caring, those of you who have said kind words to me about this blog.

i've typed about surrender before i think, but something else has been running through the back of my mind lately regarding it.

One reason that true surrender is so difficult is that, no matter how much we as submissives long for deep control, giving in to that level of control is terrifying. It means surrendering.

Think about that for a moment. When you hear the word "surrender", outside the D/s realm, it means something negative. It means giving up a fight, whether a battle or a war. It means being a loser. It means becoming a prisoner. It means someone has power over you, through admission of your own weaknesses. Who in their right mind wants that for herself?

Surrendering onesself in the D/s manner means something similar, but totally different. It is a concept that is difficult to describe, and my not be describable at all, it may simply have to be experienced and analyzed to be understood.

When i surrender to Padrone, i am giving up control of myself to Him. It means giving up a fight, yes, but the fight is between my nature and what i've had to become despite my nature. It means losing a battle in some ways, i presume, but the battle is not with Him - it may manifest itself that way, but it is with the need to trust that i can safely surrender and not lose my identity. It means giving in without worrying anymore if i become a prisoner. It means finding strength to negate my own weaknesses, finding power when i am powerless. It means having someone to rely on for more than a simple "i love you" or a scene.

Surrendering....maybe it shouldn't be described that way....maybe what happens, that ultimate, freeing moment......should be described as releasing onesself to her nature, and giving herself permission to truly, deeply, and honestly have her heart's submit.

Thank You, my Padrone, for the safety to submit as deeply as i possibly can to You. Thank You for wanting more and more of me, and my submission. Thank You for allowing me to give You all i can, the good and the bad, and for accepting and valuing me for it all. You are so good to me.

failing, a failure?

If i fail, does that make me a failure?

For all my life i thought so, until the past few days, and there has been a kind of revelation happening here lately for some reason. i still have my moments, of course, but lately i have been really learning and realizing a lot of things that i guess i never fully saw before.

i was going through a time of failing to do some specified tasks, recently. These are everyday tasks, and i was going through a real depression because i felt like a failure as a slave, and i know Padrone deserves obedience and not excuses. It felt as if all i was giving was excuses. Yes, i was upset with myself, and i saw no way to change it, and indeed there was no way for a while.

But eventually i was able to see objectively, and to accept (not just realize, accepting takes more time and open mindedness) that failing in one's duty doesn't make one a failure herself. i know, such a simple concept.....but truly, absolutely mind changing for me.

i have always, all my life, equated my value based on my actions, my ability to please. That is one reason i was so strongly ruled by my emotions when i met Padrone, and why it took me so long to understand that it is my actions that are judged, not my feelings. For my entire life, my feelings defined my actions, because they defined my very being to a huge degree. Padrone has taught me so many things, not the least of which is that i am not how i act, i am not how i feel, i am who i am.

So who am i, when i fail to perform perfectly? i've already said that i know, finally, that i'm not a failure then. i'm not a bad slave, even if i feel like one. i am still the slave He owns, who He wants to own. i am still the most obedient and pleasing slave He has ever owned, by His own admission. i am still the one born to serve Him, and imperfect service with a repentant heart is actually probably better than perfect service would be. i'm not perfect, and if i served perfectly i would either be lying about what i do, or my requirements would not be ... interesting enough. If it were always easy for me to serve, then it would not be as meaningful to either of us as it is when it is challenging. And if it isn't meaningful, then it isn't worth much.

i'm simply a slave who lives to please her Padrone as often and as well as she can. i am learning that who i am is enough, even though i get silly and think, sometimes, that it isn't. i am accepting that who i am is who He wants, has, owns, controls, and loves. And i finally know without a doubt that i am as fully His as i can be....and that He has given as much of Himself in return. He is mine, just as i am His. i have His heart, His thoughts, His control, even when we're not together.

Sono la schiava del Padrone.

mutual respect, a novel idea

i've been thinking about something i wanted to type here for a little while, but i just haven't had the time lately. It's nice to be making or taking the time to do it now. Putting words on "paper" is theraputic for me, imagine

i have had some thoughts lately about respect in D/s, and the way it, as so many other aspects of D/s, is completely mutual. Respect is something that is not easily measured, since it is something that is revealed strictly through the actions of a person. But those actions can be judged, and are by more than we ever realize.

There is a prevailing attitude in IRC that Dominants have to earn the respect of submissives. That is so very true. But i am here to propose that exactly the opposite is also true, and almost always overlooked. It is also required of submissives that they earn the respect of Doms. Here is a little discussion about it, one-sided of course, but it's my blog with no comments, so i can be one-sided if i wish!

There is a rule in the channel where we chat at IRC that says that submissives are to say "Sir/Ma'am" to Dominants as a sign of respect. There are so many submissives out there who refuse to use honorofics, and when asked about it, their reason is usually something to the effect of.....well, just because someone has a capped nick doesn't make Him/Her a Dominant! Guess what. Neither does having a lower case nick make one a submissive, worthy of every Dom's respect and to be treated in any way we wish.

Why should we assume that because a person who has a lower cased nick that she deserves anything in terms of respect? Maybe the first question i should ask is how a Dom shows a submissive respect, before talking about whether she deserves it or not.

Well, in an online world, the answers vary of course. But some ways He can show it are by getting to know a submissive before demanding asking limits or making sure that the first scene or two doesn't go to any speaking pleasantly and teasing in a good natured not calling her names other than her nickname unless He has been told it's asking permission to speak with her privately and then not just trying to jump into a scene immediately when there....and most of all by not acting as if she owes Him something simply because His nick is capped, or that He owns her simply because they enjoyed a scene together.

Just because a person's nick is not capped does not mean she deserves that kind of treatment, however. There are as many submissives out there that don't deserve the respect they demand, as there are Doms in kind. They aren't discussed as much for a couple of reasons, i guess. One is that most people on IRC tend to think of submissives as needing protection, where a Dom is supposed to have a thicker skin or something. And it is also widely accepted that a Dom has to earn a submissive's respect, but a submissive doesn't have to earn that of a Dominant. That makes absolutely no sense to me.

Why shouldn't a submissive be expected to act submissively, and show respect through her actions to anyone she meets? Why is it acceptable, and even encouraged by some, that a submissive refuses to follow channel rules, refuses to say Sir/Ma'am, complains, usually loudly, publicly, and quite rudely, about getting unwanted PMs, finds excuses to never serve in channel, and if she can't find an excuse to get out of it, to begrudgingly scene until the first opportunity TO get out of it? Why shouldn't she be encourged to act submissively, and not bratty? Why should the brats and attention sluts be rewarded openly....and when someone tries to "rein them in", all hell breaks loose?

Why should respect only be required to be earned by Dominants, and submissives be given permission to act however they so choose?

i do realize that there is a shortage of submissives vs. Dominants, and that the horny net geeks tend to make it more difficult for Dominants to have a chance to get to know girls. But the pseudo-submissives also tend to make it more difficult for the submissives to get the attention of a Dominant as well.

It all boils down to attitude. There are so many ways, so many opportunities for girls to earn respect through her actions. Here are some of my own thoughts on this topic, and i know there are some who will disagree with me, but based on my own experience, what i believe is this:

There are many ways with which a girl can show respect, some of which are....A girl who is submissive will find out channel rules and follow them....submitting to the will of the channel owner, which is what we do as submissives.....submit. A girl who is submissive will call Dominants by honorifics. A girl who is submissive will be attentive even when the focus of the channel isn't directly on her. A girl who is submissive will, by nature and in her own way, put the needs and wishes of Dominants before her own.

A girl who is submissive will reveal her attitude through her words and actions, not with a lower cased nick. That is the girl who will earn the respect of Dominants.

Here is a thought for everyone, Doms and subs alike.....

Y'all know the old saying "to have a friend, be one"? Well, in so many ways it relates to this earn respect, show it. True respect is mutual, but who cares if the other person doesn't deserve it? You will earn it by proving that you DO.

Thank You, Padrone, for respecting me even before i realized that You did. Thank You for showing the patience required for me to understand that i am the most valuable piece of property that You own, and that You cherish me and treasure me as such. Thank You for helping me to learn exactly what that means. i love You, Padrone.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

the lucky slave

You know, i have to be the luckiest, most blessed, woman on the face of the earth. i realize that others feel that way also, and i know that they are, in their own minds, as lucky and blessed as i am.

How often do we find the one who seems to have been literally born for one be our partner, whether Master or slave? That is exactly how i feel about the relationship that Padrone and i have, and He is the first to have mentioned it. He commented a long time ago, that i seemed to have been born to serve Him. And yanno, as hard as it has been at times TO serve Him, and as hard as we have both worked to keep our relationship going strong, it really HAS seemed that i have been born to serve Him. It has been "easy" in one sense, because of how well we fit together.

It hasn't been easy on either side, don't get me wrong. i thought we were doomed for a long time, and asked for release, but i was told in no uncertain terms that i would not be allowed to sacrifice myself for the reason i had asked for release. (no details, but Padrone knows what i am talking about.) That is the only time i have asked for release, although one other time i said that if i thought it would be best for HIM, i would....but i also, by that time, had come to trust that He knew what was best for Him, and that He would release me if He didn't want to own me anymore. So no matter how difficult it was, ending things ...... may have crossed our minds, but not as a truly viable option. i know that i have always seemed to know that He is that ever-elusive "One" that most of us spend our lives searching for.

Yes, i do realize that there are no guarantees in life, as to continuity of relationships, or anything else for that matter. But i also know that we both treasure what we have. i know that isn't enough to make a relationship, but the lack of that attitude can sure break one. It helps tremendously though, because i KNOW that He works as hard as i do to keep things going well between us. See, it is His patience, His understanding, His foresight, His ability to be flexible when needed, His creative ways of solving problems, His way of showing His care for me as well as about me, all of those things show His commitment to me, to our relationship. Those things, strength with flexibility, strictness with understanding of reality, and more than anything ... love but the focus on D/s no matter the emotions...those are all qualities that i need, deeply, in my own life. It just so happens that they are HIS qualities.

Conversely, there are so many qualities about me that He needs in His life, in the woman who is His woman, that it truly does seem that we fit perfectly together. That is why i am the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. We are both very lucky. Chance is an amazing thing....

Thank You, Padrone, for allowing this woman to belong to You, to have the parts of You that You have given her, for allowing her inside Your mind, Your heart, Your life. Thank You for owning this slave, Padrone, for giving all You give, for helping her grow and find herself, and recover from old wounds. Thank You for guiding, teaching, and loving her through so many trials and struggles. Thank You for being consistent and strong. Thank You for letting this woman be weak, and show her weaknesses....and loving her anyway, or...maybe because of them....

i love You. (yes, mushy. Aren't You glad?)