Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Quick update, etc.

I just realized that i haven't typed here in a while now, but to be honest i have worked a TON of hours, and combining that with school means that something has to give. Lately, apparently, it has been my blog.

i've already gotten one promotion in my new job, and changed projects so i have better hours. The work is not difficult, it is more focus-intensive, which means that i have to be diligent and watchful all the time. One of the projects i work is far easier than the other, in terms of diligence required, and if there was only internet available so i could do my schoolwork or entertain myself during "down time", life would be better!

But it is what it is, and that's not a bad thing overall. I am learning a TON about the company, from figuring how much to pay everyone, to scheduling, to finding grant money (not learning to write grants yet, though, and not sure i really want to!), to everything in between. Haven't learned about billing this particular way, but i have been involved in hiring and even firing - or rather, telling someone they would have to be retrained and them resigning instead. :)

It's taken a lot of time, though, and will continue to take more. When i asked Padrone if it was too much, if it took too much away from him, his response was "of course not, i own the boss!"

i love that man!

i've been reading blog posts recently that have given me a lot to think about. i realize i am in a totally different circumstance than many people are, in that i don't live with my Master. But i am absolutely committed to him, and surrendered to him, and owned by him. He has as much authority in my life as he would if we lived together, and the limitations on the expression of that authority exist only due to geography and safety issues. And the amount of submission required to obey and to please him is the same as if he were here with me.

And that leads me to what is kind of a recurring theme in my blog, from what i can tell. Submissives are those who have chosen to give authority over their lives to another. By doing so, we choose to surrender to the control they choose to take in our lives. Now, here comes the important part: making that choice does NOT make our lives all rosy and peachy-keen.

Sometimes it is HARD to obey. Obedience is nothing more than a show of submission, it is not the submission itself, imho. But obedience shows our submission, the affirmation of the choice we made. Of course we'll doubt that choice, and ourselves, and our Masters at times. If we didn't, we'd be foolish. Of course we'll question. Of course we'll disagree, and resist, and even rebel.

But, in the end, we obey anyway. Do it anyway. Even if we don't *feel* submissive, do it anyway. Even if we are exhausted, or if we're about to fall asleep, or we had planned on grocery shopping...do it anyway. Even if our hearts are filled with angst, do it anyway. The ACT of obedience, especially when we don't particularly *want* to obey or even to submit, is a very, very powerful expression of the D/s dynamic.

And yes, that's the second part of what i wanted to say. Sometimes we DON'T want to submit, to obey, to serve, to do domestic or menial tasks, to cook or clean or iron. And, unless *your* Master has won the lottery that *mine* is trying to win, chances are that you don't have a house slave either, so *someone* has to do these things. Unless you are one of the admirable women who love to do these kinds of tasks, it is hard to do more than....do it anyway. That's how i clean my house for myself, frankly, only because some things HAVE to be done, dishes and laundry topping the list.

And i'm sure i'll enjoy learning to make Padrone's coffee, but will i love to bring it to him every single time he wants it, even if i'm in the middle of doing something else and have to drop everything to do it? Of course not. i'll do it of course, but my mind will probably be on what i was doing, rather than on Padrone, and he'll probably be busy and all he'll care about is the coffee in his cup. My feelings, positive or negative, will make no difference to him. My obedience makes *all* the difference to him.

Padrone taught me a LONG time ago that feelings are what they are, but what matters most is actions. If we all acted as we felt, what kind of world would we live in? And if we only obeyed when we felt like it, what kind of surrender are we expressing? Or those are my thoughts at least...there are times when we have to bite the bullet, grin and bear it....do it anyway.

So i guess i could sum my own slavery up in a few words. Obey even when it isn't convenient. Give what i know pleases him. And even when i don't want to, do it anyway. And, love Him even if i don't love what He requires me to do.

Which is what counts most, after all.

i am gratefully, wonderfully, gloriously Yours, Padrone. Most definitely Yours.