Tuesday, August 29, 2006

being His schiava

What does it mean to be Padrone's slave? Well, to me it means different things on different days...but always it gets deeper and deeper, even when it seems impossible.

Lately He and i both have had the tendency to look at where we have come from, and feel all the appreciation we should feel for the ground we have covered. i'm not going to go into our history, this post anyway, although i feel it is almost time to do so, for some reason. This time, i merely want to answer - or try to answer - one question:

What does it mean to be His slave?

It means i am pleasing to Him in many ways and on many levels. Sexually He finds me pleasing, however most of that is my submission. Emotionally He finds me pleasing...He knows that my adoration and devotion are real, deep, and for Him alone. Mentally He finds me pleasing, most of the time i think. i still have problems believing that a simple country girl like me isn't boring to the extreme, but He seems to not mind most of the time.

It means that the control He has over me is meaningful and real in His life, as well as in mine.

It means that i am loved as deeply as i love.

It means that i am as important to Him as He is to me.

It means that i strive harder and harder to find things that He loves and needs, to please Him even more.

It means that my foot-kissing in channel is as it appears to be, a way to show my obedience and my devotion to this man who has shown me so deeply what being a slave is all about.

It means that my submission is safe, protected, and valued for what it is.

It means that the things He has taught me about submission have translated into other areas of my life, and that i have changed drastically as a result.

It means that i am loved, valued, cherished, honored, respected, trusted, protected.

It means that He is deeply appreciative of the things which i need and experience for His pleasure. The depth of my experiences sometimes amaze Him, but for me, it is merely showing my feelings for Him in the most obvious and intense way i know how.

It means that all the things i do, overcoming the fears, choosing to trust even when i am positive i can't, understanding and learning about myself and about Him...all those things and more .... are struggles that i must do alone, in order to be stronger myself, and to learn the full lessons i can learn from them.

It means He is patient and accepting, even when He doesn't understand what He is patient about.

It means He understands more than i ever dreamed He did.

It means i am constantly learning and growing, and grateful for the opportunity to do so.

It means being who i was born to be, serving who i was born to serve, and loving and being loved more completely than i ever dreamed could happen.

But most of all, it means my sole desire is to be as He wants me to be....which is to simply be myself.

i am blessed. Thank You Padrone, for more than i can ever put words to.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Separation and Expectations

Something that has changed in my life lately has resulted in more restrictions on my time and ability to perform some of the previously required tasks of me as Padrone's slave. That has been very difficult for me, as you might imagine. It is unavoidable, and will change a little soon, but it is still not easy.

It makes me miss Him, because even if i am thinking about Him like crazy, i can't fulfill that particular task. That creates a struggle within me, and there was a time when i would have made it seem far more than it is. What it is, is something that can't be helped. What it isn't, is a sign that i am not pleasing to Him as a slave anymore. Yes, i would have thought that at one time.

Why would i even think such as that? i mean, if it is something i truly can't help, and this was, then why would i feel like a failure as a slave because it makes certain things impossible? Well, part of it is because my availability is something that has always been a "given" for Him, and for me. It is what has allowed some things to be implemented into my life, because i have been available to do them. Now those things aren't possible any longer. But i finally realize how creative my Padrone is, and that He will eventually exert control in other ways. So in one way it is a loss, but in another it is a gain...A way to keep things new and fresh.

The separation factor may seem strange to some, because Padrone and i live on two different continents and also have never met face to face. But we are close, maybe closer than some who live together in ways, because we have to make more of an effort to ... well, maybe it is just to become and stay close. We don't see each other face to face. We can't read body language or facial expressions. We only have voices and typed words. That means that we have been forced by circumstances and choice, to work very hard to gain and maintain closeness. We have talked for hours. We have scened in various scenes. But mostly, we have each opened ourselves to the other. Sometimes it does feel like a one-way street because of all the words i type or say...that aren't reciprocated. Yet i am learning that Padrone doesn't always act on His thoughts. In other words, just because His words aren't typed, doesn't mean His thoughts aren't with me. That is closeness.

The thoughts of feeling separated are on my side. i am sure that He regards the new circumstances with the patience and acceptance which He shows almost everything. It's not so easy for me, maybe because it is on my side that the circumstances have changed and...being the type of female i am...i feel guilty for the limitations on my service to Him. That, to me, is separation from Him. i know it isn't, truly, because we do maintain the level of closeness through other means. But when i am not available, even to perform the task i mentioned, it is a hard thing since i haven't ever been consistently unavailable to Him.

Living in these changed circumstances, with these lingering thoughts that i am causing a separation that hasn't been there until recently, what are reasonable expectations of the relationship?

Well a month ago i would have panicked in a way, thinking that somehow that would damage our relationship. But now, something has changed inside me. i realize now that His feelings about me are based on more than actions or availablity or showing how submissive i am. i now know that the limited availability, while not perfect, is not only necessary but that it is workable in our relationship. Our feelings for one another won't diminish because of changed circumstances. The only thing that seems changed is the way i express submission, because of the limits on one particular task. Other things are changing, because humans and human relationships must change, but those aren't caused directly by this. So now, my expectations are that i will adjust not only mentally, but emotionally, and accept and embrace new circumstances - who knows? Maybe it will force me to be more creative in my submission. :)

Thank You, Padrone, for Your consistency - in emotions and actions - that gives me the ability to do what i need to do, mentally, to grow and be a better slave, and a better woman. It is only because i truly know, even when i get silly and seem to need constant, never-ending reassurance, that You are there with me and for me, that i can work through the silliness. i love You, my Master.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Happy Birthday to my Padrone

Today is my Master's 50th birthday, and yes, i have already teased Him about being half a century old! The problem is that there is no gift i can give Him online that He doesn't already have. i can give symbols, however.

Padrone, i give You.....a gag (of Your choosing, or many if You wish). This is one thing i am not fond of, being gagged, but i have recently learned that You do like them. So, as a symbol of my submission, my truly not having limits where You are concerned, i offer this to You to use, or not, as You wish. Yes i know You would have anyway, but...it is merely a gesture, a formality.

It is also a symbol and a reminder of Your ability to render me (yes, even me) speechless. There are times when i couldn't say a word if i tried to, gagged or not, simply from the effects of our relationship. Thank You, my Padrone.

i offer You a more complete trust, as we discussed on the phone. Or as i discussed, since i had problems explaining my meaning..lol. Padrone, our relationship has grown so deep that it seems there is nothing held back....but there always is. That is human nature, even for a slave. What i meant and tried to explain, is that i offer You more vulnerability and trust.

There are times when i am so concerned with what i need, never physically - those needs and desires You meet gloriously. Emotionally i have been truly terrified to give control of my needs in a relationship over to You. i felt that the only way they could be met is if i, somehow, ensured that they were. my gift to You, today, is.....the control over meeting my needs. i will stop focusing on them, and focus more on learning to trust through the vulnerability which this creates, that You.....being Yours....because of who You are and how You feel about me, and the importance You place on our relatioinship..will ensure that the needs are met. i don't have to worry about that anymore, although i am sure i will *blush*. my gift is realizing the need to give it to You, trusting and not worrying.

i hope it makes more sense to You now, Padrone. If not, maybe it will in time.

The last gift that i can give You is that of begging to be pushed in some ways that i know You enjoy. i know, for instance, that You love to show me off in channel - and not just my slut side. You enjoy, sometimes, merely having me do things that are difficult for me because it shows how deep my submission is. i am begging, my Master, for more of that, when You feel the time is right to do it.

What am i giving You today? Nothing that You don't already have, or don't deserve to have had long ago. The gifts, as i have always said, are far more from You to me. i am more grateful than words could ever express to be Yours, my Love.

Buon Compleanno, mio Padrone.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

dependence and balance

i often think about how much i depend on Padrone. No, i don't depend on Him financially. i don't even depend on Him to be responsible for my mistakes and my actions, unless they are relating to Him personally. i depend on Him in ways that i am not sure i could explain, and i am not even going to try today.

But one thing that hit me hard recently is the fact that the dependence can't solely be on the part of the submissive. The Dominant has to depend on the submissive, in some form or other but to the same degree, that she depends on Him. It has to happen, or the imbalance will tip the relationship from "healthy" to "unhealthy".

So what does that have to do with our relationship? Well, one day i suddenly thought...."Either my theory about balance being one of the keys to healthy relationships is a huge pile of bs, or He needs and depends on me just as much as i do Him." When i finally caught my breath after such a shocking thought, i came to the conclusion that, while our needs are different, and the things we depend on in the other are also different, the FACT of mutual dependence is just that for us, a fact.

This is something i had never really thought about. i guess i had convinced myself that i didn't give Him anything specific enough to make Him depend on me. i mean, any slave could give Him her submission, and could give Him her obedience. But Padrone wants......needs......depends on.... my submission and obedience, which is balanced with my need and dependence on Him. What a stunning realization.

Padrone, as You can easily imagine i am sure, this feels like a kind of turning point for me. So basic...but so hard to understand and accept...until now. No matter Your personality, and how Dominant You are in general, You are, and want to be, Master and Owner specifically of me, as assuredly and as powerfully as i am, and i want to be, totally enslaved specifically to You.

Thank You, Padrone. Simply thank You.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Trust revisited

i keep coming back to trust as a topic. It is just so important, and so very fragile....but so strong when it is built....a strong tower, a resting place from worry and upset. i know that sounds a bit "over the top" but if one thinks about it, it makes perfect sense.

i made a statement the other night that will be very surprising for those who know my analytical side. (overly analytical most of the time) i told Padrone that i don't have to understand to trust. i couldn't, and wouldn't, have said those words a few months ago, maybe not even a few weeks ago. i have always thought that understanding bred trust. i was right in that, actually, but there does come a point in time when trust exists on its own, it doesn't have to be fed anymore. Yes, it must be protected, and yes it must be maintained, but.....there comes a point when trust doesn't have to be built anymore. i am not fully there yet, but i am farther along the road to total trust than i ever dreamed i could go.

It is easy to see that trust has to be there from slave to Master. How can i allow Padrone such deep control if i don't trust Him? i can't, plain and simple. i know that He has my best interests in mind with the rules and the use and the consequences for breaking the rules. i know that He does what He believes is best, for me as His slave, which means it is best for Him as well.

But what about from Master to slave? Does there need to be trust of any sort, and if so, what kind and to what degree? i'm not sure i am able to talk much about this, to be honest. Trust is on so many different levels, and in so many areas, and i am not sure i quite understand that a Dom becomes as vulnerable as a submissive in a D/s relationship. That is a detriment to me as a slave, having that kind of "tunnel vision". But i think it is natural, and something that is not easy to change about slave mentality.

i think most.... oh i hate to use this term....but most "true" slaves are highly emotional creatures. Most Doms are too, but i do think that most "true" Doms have reams of self control when it is needed, and i think most understand human nature, and especially the nature of emotional slaves, better than we realize. That does tend to increase the trust from slave to Master, if He exhibits such understanding. At least it does to a degree. So how does one increase the trust from Master to slave?

Well, probably by things i preach but don't always practice.

First, consistent behavior. He needs a safe place to relax and call "home". Trust will help Him have that place, but if i am....inconsistent, "silly", all the time, then how can He have that place with me?

Second, follow through. If i am given a task, or an assignment, or a punishment, then i try very hard to do it if at all possible, within the time frame He has set forth. If i don't do it, then i explain why and let Him judge whether or not my lack of follow through is because of a good enough reason, or if it is punishable. But i have done so many things, and *not* done so few, that He knows and trusts me when i say i have done something.

Third, honesty. Even on irc, where lies are told on a regular basis and seem to be accepted more readily than the truth is, honesty is the ONLY way to build trust. This means everything from having a pic to back up your description, to providing more when asked for more, to revealing the truth of past relationships, both online and rl, and soooo much more.

And last (that i will talk about here and now), truly submit. This isn't just a sexual game. This is life. i am submissive, and that means that things won't always be easy for me. Sometimes i have to learn that over and over again. But life isn't easy as a slave. A good Dom understands it, a bad one exploits it. When i have to put my own needs aside and...trust Him...to meet them in His own way..even if He doesn't consciously do anything, the needs are met purely because of who He is, who i am, and how we are together......that, y'all, is THE most difficult thing for me. But if i don't do it, then He can't trust me *to* do it, and it limits our relationship.

So trust.....that boring, much-talked about and yet still underrated and misunderstood pillar of any relationship...gets another post in this blog.

i am quite sure it won't be the last one. A relationship, even ours...especially ours.....can't grow unless the trust grows. i've just had a mini-epiphany of sorts, and i have a feeling that.....the trust will grow more....soon.

Thank goodness.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Growing Pains

Have any of y'all ever experienced growing pains? One of my kids did, and it was sheer torture to watch. Even as a teen, there are times when ibuprofen is needed in the middle of the night, or a hot bath, and sometimes even now there are tears. i mean, it started before age 2, and they are still a problem in the teen years....lots of lots of time. They have lessened in frequency, of course, as the growing has slowed, but the intensity is still very painful.

i know we've all experienced the same kind of things in our relationships. There are times when all seems steady and calm, on course and fulfilling, then suddenly *wham*, there is drama and upset. Of course, that happens as relationships grow and deepen, because no matter how much we know, or trust, our partner...there are always places we have never been before, with this particular one. In our relationship, these growing pains happen because of me. See...for me, where i am already with Padrone is a place i have never been with anyone else. That sometimes scares me into emotional paralysis.

What happens then? Well, i get what Padrone so kindly calls "silly". i get highly emotional, easily upset, a bit volatile. i get fearful and worried and .... well, i try to test Him, even after all this time. Lately it has been because i feel that i am on the brink of some sort of....dive into deeper trust....or something equally as challenging. i feel strongly that there is a change going on inside me, one that - provided i can overcome the fear and let it happen - will help our relationship. The problem is that some things it would require of me, i simply don't want to do.

So what has that got to do with growing pains? i think, in our relationship, my own personal growth causes the most drama and upset, and it is what causes the "growing pains". i do realize, now, that it is difficult for Him as well, when i go through these spells. i don't know exactly how difficult, of course....but He loves me, and He wants us both to be happy in the relationship we have. Why i insist on trying to convince myself that He is just too good to be true, then trying to "trap" Him into behaving like all those from the past have behaved, i don't know. Well, i *do* know, but i don't know how to stop it. i think what has to happen is that i have to find the key that will open the door and allow me to believe that He really is who i know He is.

That is the wall that i face now. At least i know it is there, and i am grateful that we have journeyed so far to reach it. It may take some time for this particular wall to fall, but one thing i have learned, and i trust deeply when i am not being "silly", is that He is faithful, patient, supportive, and encourages me to work through all this kind of thing. He is even incredibly understanding and gives me time when i need it, even though it may not be what He really wants. He has put His own needs and desires aside for me, y'all. Not often enough for me to expect it, or even want it when He does it, but He still puts me first sometimes. Yes, i know that has to happen at times. i am not really comfortable with it, and that is something else i have to work on. But i also know that the reason He does it is because when i make it through these times, i am a far better slave (and a far better woman, just as important to Him) than i was before it started.

Lately i have had some pretty....well, depressing things happen where i live. i began to believe that there is no way Padrone could still want me, i felt that i couldn't do anything right, much less be a good slave to such a wonderful Man. No, i wasn't giving Him credit for being understanding, and yes, i was seeing from my own perspective. But i am realizing that He sees not circumstances....He sees me. Such a simple, but dramatic, concept....if one doesn't "get it"....and suddenly does.

i will learn, i am learning, Padrone .... to trust that You are the man i know You are. i don't know how long it will take, but i promise You, it will happen. i will let go of this deep seated fear of rejection and abandonment that i carry like an old friend.

It won't happen with You. You won't suddenly turn away, nor will You keep me collared just to maintain the status quo. You own me, in a real and deep sense. i am more than sexual fulfillment to You. i am totally and completely Yours, and i am surrendering more and more as i see things that i haven't yet released.

i am sure that is part of the difficulty in letting go, that i am holding on to some really negative things - because the opposite, the positives that will replace them, i have never felt. The unknown is always somewhere that i don't want to venture into, and so i tend to cling to my old things with a passion - until, as has happened in our relationship before - the walls come down and i wonder why it took so long, because the happiness and peace is so amazing.

Thank You, Padrone, for so much. Maybe my next post here will be a discourse of many of the things i am so grateful for....

i love You.