Friday, August 18, 2006

Separation and Expectations

Something that has changed in my life lately has resulted in more restrictions on my time and ability to perform some of the previously required tasks of me as Padrone's slave. That has been very difficult for me, as you might imagine. It is unavoidable, and will change a little soon, but it is still not easy.

It makes me miss Him, because even if i am thinking about Him like crazy, i can't fulfill that particular task. That creates a struggle within me, and there was a time when i would have made it seem far more than it is. What it is, is something that can't be helped. What it isn't, is a sign that i am not pleasing to Him as a slave anymore. Yes, i would have thought that at one time.

Why would i even think such as that? i mean, if it is something i truly can't help, and this was, then why would i feel like a failure as a slave because it makes certain things impossible? Well, part of it is because my availability is something that has always been a "given" for Him, and for me. It is what has allowed some things to be implemented into my life, because i have been available to do them. Now those things aren't possible any longer. But i finally realize how creative my Padrone is, and that He will eventually exert control in other ways. So in one way it is a loss, but in another it is a gain...A way to keep things new and fresh.

The separation factor may seem strange to some, because Padrone and i live on two different continents and also have never met face to face. But we are close, maybe closer than some who live together in ways, because we have to make more of an effort to ... well, maybe it is just to become and stay close. We don't see each other face to face. We can't read body language or facial expressions. We only have voices and typed words. That means that we have been forced by circumstances and choice, to work very hard to gain and maintain closeness. We have talked for hours. We have scened in various scenes. But mostly, we have each opened ourselves to the other. Sometimes it does feel like a one-way street because of all the words i type or say...that aren't reciprocated. Yet i am learning that Padrone doesn't always act on His thoughts. In other words, just because His words aren't typed, doesn't mean His thoughts aren't with me. That is closeness.

The thoughts of feeling separated are on my side. i am sure that He regards the new circumstances with the patience and acceptance which He shows almost everything. It's not so easy for me, maybe because it is on my side that the circumstances have changed and...being the type of female i am...i feel guilty for the limitations on my service to Him. That, to me, is separation from Him. i know it isn't, truly, because we do maintain the level of closeness through other means. But when i am not available, even to perform the task i mentioned, it is a hard thing since i haven't ever been consistently unavailable to Him.

Living in these changed circumstances, with these lingering thoughts that i am causing a separation that hasn't been there until recently, what are reasonable expectations of the relationship?

Well a month ago i would have panicked in a way, thinking that somehow that would damage our relationship. But now, something has changed inside me. i realize now that His feelings about me are based on more than actions or availablity or showing how submissive i am. i now know that the limited availability, while not perfect, is not only necessary but that it is workable in our relationship. Our feelings for one another won't diminish because of changed circumstances. The only thing that seems changed is the way i express submission, because of the limits on one particular task. Other things are changing, because humans and human relationships must change, but those aren't caused directly by this. So now, my expectations are that i will adjust not only mentally, but emotionally, and accept and embrace new circumstances - who knows? Maybe it will force me to be more creative in my submission. :)

Thank You, Padrone, for Your consistency - in emotions and actions - that gives me the ability to do what i need to do, mentally, to grow and be a better slave, and a better woman. It is only because i truly know, even when i get silly and seem to need constant, never-ending reassurance, that You are there with me and for me, that i can work through the silliness. i love You, my Master.

No comments: