Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Perfection is my enemy

The title of this post actually is a line of a song i have recently heard, and it stuck with me for some reason. Probably because it's so true, in my case. Perfection, while an admirable goal, can become very much like the "ring" in LOTR - Smeagol's "precious"...something that i know deep down i can never have, but i will literally destroy myself and my relationships striving for.

That's a big "ouchie". It wasn't easy to admit that. It isn't easy to recognize that my obsessive need to be perfect, and my unrealistic reactions when i am not, is something that has controlled me to the extent it has, although i knew it .... admitting it wasn't easy. Well, i knew it in a vague....yeah yeah, i know, i know, don't talk about it... kind of way.

In past relationships, because of things i learned via abuse in my childhood, i always strove for perfection. In past relationships, when i would please others, i would get appreciation for it, and i would continue to do things that didn't come naturally to me to please them. It doesn't work that way, as we all know, and i would always say that i couldn't meet their standards...i could never please them. They seemed to expect perfection. (with the ex it wasn't even that he wanted perfection, he just loved to make others feel low, it made him feel better about himself, but that's a different story altogether and rarely prevented me from trying to please him anyway...he truly could never be pleased though)

And so i was destroying *myself* by striving for perfection, right? It didn't stop there though....that obsession created problems in past relationships, because i would begin to resent being "expected" to do things that i didn't want to do, and to do them in ways i wasn't used to doing them. And i would push myself harder and harder and try more and more and fail worse and worse....until i came unglued. It was their fault of course, for expecting me to fit into their mold of the "perfect partner", but i fell into that trap of trying to be who they wanted me to be too. i never could, but that didn't stop me from trying until the relationship could no longer take the strain of my unnatural "submission".

Well, i can look back *now* and say those things. i don't know if that is a realistic look at how things were or not, because i am looking back with unscaled eyes, but with "Padrone-colored glasses".

It has taken almost 4 years, but the obsession with perfection is finally calming a bit.


i don't know for sure, but i can say that a lot of it has to do with the fact that i am indeed, good enough in Padrone's eyes, just as i am. It is as He told me once, and probably more than once to be honest, but once has stuck in my brain.... even if nothing about me ever changed again, He would still be happy with me. He *is* happy with me. So while changing and growing is a part of human nature, i don't have to strive to be perfect or the relationship will end. i don't have to "work on" anything...if i change, i change but even the things that i would *try* to change about myself, He accepts as part just...who i am. This relationhip is solid, built on things that a relationship should be built, trust, respect. None of those things assumes perfection, or indications a desire for a perfect partner.

Yes, Padrone deserves the best i can give Him. That was always my "excuse" for my obsession with perfection, in our relationship at least....that Padrone deserved a perfect slave. But the idea of a "perfect slave" implies that a "perfect person" exists, and if you can produce her i want a clone! The reality is that, even as recently as a few months ago, i was subconsciously waiting for the shoe to drop. i never really realized it, and am still in shock about that realization, but....i can't deny it is true. Somehow i was deeply fearful that if Padrone saw too many of my imperfections, He would not want me anymore. i guess that idea had been so deeply ingrained in me that, even though i would have denied it vehemently at the was so insidious in nature that it created the obsession with perfection. i set myself up to fail, with my own desperate need to be what *i* wanted Padrone to have. (i've just realized this too, actually, that the familiar obsession is gone. It took me a few days to figure out what was "wrong" with me - lol)

Ugh. i make myself crazy at times, you know?

So what happened? i honestly don't know. All i know is that i finally have been able to really relax and accept my *own* inability to be perfect, and i have made efforts to forgive myself for mistakes i have made - which is still the hardest part of all. But i finally understand, and hope i can consistently *behave* as if i understand, that there will be no harmful or painful consequences to my imperfections. i am coming to realize that the expectations for that perfection aren't coming from Padrone, but from myself, and that the only one who needs to "ease up" on me, is me.

It took a lot of trust, Padrone's consistent behavior, quick and true repentance, deeply emotional communication, and time for me to reach this place. If anyone had told me, even a few short months ago...maybe even weeks ago....that i would have had this kind of breakthrough and be able to recognize and verbalize it... i would have laughed in their face, feeling sad because i knew i couldn't ever get there.

i am literally in tears as i type this, because i am looking back at what Padrone has put up with as my Master, and feeling the gratitude, the joy, the devotion, and the utter enslavement that seem to be the only things i can give in return...which don't ever seem to be enough....but which He loves, needs, and cherishes as much as He does me.

They are enough...*i* am enough....Just as i am. i long to be at Your feet, Padrone, simply surrendered and striving to show it. Thank You....for owning me, with all that Padrone. i am gratefully Yours.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Probably won't make sense....

Time is flying by lately for some reason!

So much has happened this week that it's hard to know just what to type here. i will say that i am incredibly happy. It's simply amazing how happy i am being the slave i am to the most wonderful Master in the world!

See, lately we've been discussing ... well kind of running over familiar territory in some ways i guess. We live an ocean away from each other, and for our own reasons haven't met, and have vague plans to meet in the future. So now and then we kind of... think about that i guess. And you know what conclusion we came to? That while we would LOVE to be with each other full time, or even part isn't possible right now, and to beat our heads against that particular brick wall would be pointless and harmful to what we have.

Maybe i'm wrong for feeling the way i do, or maybe some of you may think i am wrong for feeling this way, but the reality is that we are very protective of what we have and we like it that way. We have a relationship that meets our needs more than any other relationship either of us has ever been involved with. Think of just how amazing that statement is....

We've never met face to face, and we are both far happier than we have ever been in any other relationship in our lives.

There's a part of me that can't help but wonder why, but the larger part of me simply revels in the security of knowing that here is a man i can truly, fully, trust. He won't harm me intentionally, and if He did, He would attempt to rectify as soon as He knew He had done it. He knows that i will do all i can, give all i have, to serve and to please Him, through obedience and through freely offered submission.

What He needs, i need to give. What i need, He needs to give. We aren't exactly alike, nor are we exact opposites. We have different likes and dislikes (sci fi - ugh). We each enjoy music, just different kinds for the most part. Ah, who am i kidding?


God, this week has been amazing. We have gotten even closer, have learned even more about ourselves, about each other. A couple of barriers have been broken through, ones we didn't even know existed - which is the best kind of all to break through, isn't it? We've had incredibly intimate times together, deep humiliation, and absolutely wonderful just....happiness.

Maybe i should have posted a "mushy alert" or something!

i finally understand what Padrone means when He says "melting and reshaping", in terms of me. Somehow i always meant to be made into a better slave, via whatever meant He intended at the time. And i guess, technically and in a very general sense, that IS what He means. But realistically and practically, what He means is that i am simply....totally surrendered to whatever He wishes for me to experience.

That's not a place that is easily attained, for me at least. But the joy of His pleasure....

i know my thoughts are rambling more than usual tonight. It's just that i see myself typing lots of D/s cliches, and i remember clearly thinking just how wrong people were for saying those things to me before i met Padrone.

i still hear those things spouted often.

The reality is that *initially* there is no WAY a submissive, "lives for her Master's pleasure". She has no clue what His pleasure IS. in the beginning of a relationship, or what would be expected or required or demanded of her. But i can honestly say that, after 4 years of intensity, of intimacy, of communication, of breaking down walls, and of trust that seems to grow and grow and grow beyond anything we ever dreamed possible....

i do, indeed, live for my Master's pleasure.

My greatest pleasure is in serving Him....not necessarily sexually, not domestically (yet, i suppose i'll have to learn to iron shirts, darnit).... but in the ways i have learned please Him. i know He loves when i freely offer my submission. i know things He enjoys, things He admires, things that make Him most proud. Those are the things that i try to do most often....and i try hard to learn more things to make Him proud, to please Him, as well.

i love kissing His feet when i first see Him. i love leaning my head against His leg. i love emailing daily, most days at least. i love sending a text every hour. i love going to slave position every night. i love wearing my slave number every day. i don't love my "first thing in the morning" ritual, but i *do* love that *He* loves me doing it. Pleasing Him is truly what i live for, and knowing that He is proud of His schiava, His woman, is as necessary to my life as oxygen.

And you know what? i am living a happy life, a life filled with peace and contentment, not because of circumstances, but because Padrone makes me happy. It really is that simple.

This is a very rambling post, but i realized that it needed to ramble i think. Even if my thoughts aren't always clear, some things need to be expressed. Maybe tonight's thoughts were simply that we are happy, period.

Padrone, this week has been so amazing. To have had You open up to me as You did, to have You accept and fulfill my deep needs on the phone, to have You welcome the intimacy as You did....Padrone, those things are priceless to me, and i am grateful, so deeply grateful, to belong to You.

i am Yours, mio meraviglioso Yours. Thank You.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

a myriad of thoughts...or something like that

i've been thinking.

There are several things i would like to type about here, thoughts running through my mind and experiences that i'd like to share. i don't know how to start, or really how *much* to share, but i'm sure there will be *something* here when i post it!

First, i am taking a break from reading blogs for a while. i am going to type here when i need/want to, but i won't be reading others' for a while.


Well, because what i see when i read some blogs is an arrogance - the owner of the blog types an opinion, and if someone comments something that contradicts that opinion, the commenter is blasted to the wall, metaphorically. And to be honest, it is usually about politics or religion or some variation thereof that it happens regarding. i am quite simply tired of it. i don't like the stress i feel after reading blog posts that seem designed to "stir the waters", and lately it has seemed to happen in blogs where i haven't seen it before. i'm tired of being surprised by stress in an activity that i used to find relaxing and thought-provoking.

*deep, relaxing breath*

i feel better already!

See, i have been thinking quite a bit about why i type here. i don't really have any specific goal for this blog....on the contrary, it is a place to type my thoughts, philosophies, and what goes on in our long distance relationship, nothing more. i mean, i am not putting thoughts here for anyone's benefit other than mine and Padrone's. If others want to read, fine. If not, fine. And if someone doesn't approve or whatever, that's fine as well.

The last thing i want is controversy and confontration and conflict, especially on a blog, and *especially* when i'm merely voicing my thoughts and philosophies and opinions.

So, i won't be reading others' blogs, stressing myself up with untyped thoughts responding to provocatively written posts. i initially, and apparently naively, began reading others' blogs to try to gain some insight into others' relationships, and of course, into my own. Exposure to thoughts, relationships of others can help expand my own way of thinking and my own submission, not to mention giving me ideas of how to serve Padrone better! But the good from it has ceased to outweigh the bad, at least recently, and so it's time to stop for a while. :)

The other thing on my mind is something i have been thinking about typing for a while now, and it's strictly a D/s topic, i promise! It's one that i have been thinking about for a while now - and now seems to be the right time to type these thoughts.

When a slave disobeys, there are always consequences, punishments that go beyond "feeling bad" or being upset that we've disappointed our Masters. That's obvious and part of what this lifestyle is all about, actually, accountability for slaves.

But there's an age-old question that always rankles in a slave's mind, especially when she's going through a very tough punishment, and *especially* if it is one that she feels is unfair! (yes, it happens, sorry)

What about *THEM*?

What happens when a Master screws up? And yes they do, even though it's sometimes hard for a submissive to acknowledge it and even harder for us to accept it. They make mistakes, they fail, they screw up, they punish too harshly, they don't always think things through, and so? What happens to *them* when *they* mess up?

They go through their own version of hell, that's what.

See, while we have the luxury of defined rules and expectations, and even if not well-defined, we learn enough about them to know what they expect in general. If we mess up, we have consequences then it's over, even when we beat ourselves up over it, we know that as long as we don't make that mistake again, we won't be punished again. It's black and white for us. We're fortunate in a lot of ways to have it so. It's what we want, what we crave, and what keeps us focused....someone in authority over us, to keep our lives in control since it isn't something we really want to do ourselves. We don't want the authority over ourselves, nor do we want the tremendous responsibility that comes with it.

So guess who gets that responsibility, as soon as He assumes authority? Yep, our Masters. So when HE makes a mistake, while He may not have to write lines or get His ass beaten, there are most definitely consequences for Him.

He goes through a process of "wondering"...who He is, how could He have made such a mistake, where did He go wrong? What we, as submissives, usually fail to understand completely is that when THEY make a mistake, it usually has consequences for US as well, and that is something they really beat themselves up about. They have chosen to protect us, to help us grow and to learn to trust them with our lives and livelihoods, and what? They hurt us in return? Tell me that isn't something that would weigh on *your* mind if you were in that position as well.

And, while i really dislike being compared to being a child, in reality when we allow someone to be responsible for our welfare, we are becoming child-like in that aspect....which means that comparing our Masters' role to the role of a parent is apt and appropriate. i know how it feels to make mistakes that affect my kids, that hurt them or put them in a bad situation. i know the self-recriminations that can follow - of course i am sure that, since i have self-recrimination down to an art form, i do it *better* than most of y'all!

It's hard to know that we've hurt those we love in any way. But when we are responsible for them, it hurts even more. i know it depends on the severity of the mistake, but usually we have a time of self-doubt and wondering...not why we made a mistake, but wondering why we didn't think things through, what did we miss that created such a problem...things like that. It's the same for a Master when dealing with His slave.

My point is that in an M/s relationship, the accountability factor can seem unfair to an outsider, to someone who doesn't understand the dynamics of authority and responsibility that are the core of any relationship like this. But both of us are held accountable by HIM. HE is accountable to Himself, and He acts according to His standards, His honor, and His integrity. His sense of responsibility keeps His actions where they should be by His own standards, and it also keeps ours there as well. (On a side note, but not entirely off the subject....if you see a Dom/Master acting like a jerk, arrogant and demanding and demeaning....that says a lot about His standards and honor and integrity, in my opinion. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks".)

It seems out of balance, skewed, but the whole point is that responsibility is what drives most Masters, and when they fail in their responsibility, who better to punish them than themselves?

i am sure there are other ways that they suffer consequences for their mistakes, not the least of which is knowing that we have suffered for them as well. i guess that is really the biggest factor...It's hard to get my mind around Padrone suffering when i am miserable...i hate even *thinking* about it...but i know it is true. It kind of makes what we do pale in comparison, doesn't it? Actually, it is very similar to the way we feel when we have disappointed them...only on a much larger scale. That's hard for us to imagine, but see...while our actions disappoint them, they don't always *harm* them emotionally. If Padrone makes a mistake, He could harm me....that's why He is usually so very careful and why His mistakes are few and far between...because when He does make is upsetting to us both. i think that's probably the worst punishment ever, and one that Padrone never avoids if He does make a mistake. He takes responsibility and "owns up to it" and asks my forgiveness. What a concept....and maybe that's the most difficult thing....the most appropriate "punishment" for a mistaken Master....


i don't know, though, i kind of like the idea of Padrone writing lines! *teasing, only because i got so involved with typing this that i missed a text and have to write lines today sometime, darnitall*

Padrone, thank You for sharing with me, the little You did, that gave me a deeper insight into Your thoughts when You make a mistake. i know i can't ever know exactly what You go through emotionally when You make a mistake, and as i have said before, i don't want to know it all. But knowing the main thoughts helps me to know that it isn't strictly "business as usual"...that is what breeds resentment in so many submissives towards their Doms when they are punished. You are so good to me - You give me so much, so much of Yourself, and yes....i will keep it safe, absolutely safe, for You...

my Love.

my Owner.

my Padrone.

i am Yours.

Friday, May 15, 2009


i didn't mean be unclear in my last post. It was shown to me in a way i won't ever forget, that i have to make *absolutely* sure not only to be clear about what i say, but that if something is unclear, to make *absolutely* sure i type however many words necessary to clarify it.

So, here is a belated explanation of what i meant in my last post.

First, i would like to point out that i began by speaking of relationships in general, not necessarily D/s relationships, although those come naturally for me to speak of and they will always find their way into my thoughts and writings.

There are some basic commonalities between all types of relationships that work, and part of what i was typing was about those. But i didn't make clear what i *didn't* consider common to all types of relationships, and it came across that i may be... losing the interest in, or letting the importance of, the D/s aspects of our relationship.

NOTHING could be farther from the truth.

What i meant to say, to really express strongly, was that the framework i talk about is just that, nothing more. It isn't an excuse to be lazy in other ways to serve Him. It isn't a way to "slide"...or to consider myself submissive without any effort or thought....or even to be considered the entirety of the "s" part of D/s. i didn't mean to imply that i didn't need any other form of submission in my life, or any other ways to express the submission i feel. i need more, so much more, but i am deeply grateful for what is in place as a constant....the framework.

It really is the best thing that we could have in place, because it allows us to express our personalities, the Dominance, the submission, in other, deeper, stronger, more powerful ways.

For me, it is as if the strong and constant urge to submit is met daily, all day, and so i don't have to worry or wonder if He will allow me to submit today or whatever.

i mean, what if our internet went out for a while, and the framework wasn't in place? Where would i be then?

So it is the routine, the welcome and needed way to express what is inexpressible in other ways. And the wonderful part about it is that it frees me mentally.... to focus on Him more and more and to think of ways to submit, or ways to please, and it minimizes the need for Him to have to constantly find things for me to do or say to show that submission, even when He's not in the right mindset.

i am grateful for the framework, desperately so, because without it there is no way we could have gotten as close as we are, nor would the D/s be as powerful as it is in our relationship. It is like....the framework is a skeleton...and we're "bulking up" the D/s....the relationship is built on the skeleton....if the skeleton was not there, or weak....the relationship, the "bulk", would collapse!

And that, my friends, is what i meant to say and didn't, in my last post. i regret if i gave the wrong impression, and i will try harder from now on to prevent that kind of thing.

i am more enslaved, more deeply owned, and more deeply submissive than ever. My gratitude and adoration for my Master grows every day, even on days when i'm upset with Him!

Padrone, thank You more than i can say for loving me as You do, and for showing me how to love the "right" way for me. i am Yours, mio Yours.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

a few thoughts about relationships

Alright, so today i called Padrone, all worried about one of my kids in the midst of a relationship crisis. Not mine of course - lol. But there were some things i was concerned about, and my natural reaction was to call Him.

We talked, He reassured me that He thought i had handled it well with her, and offered a couple of general suggestions but said that i had done well. It helped tremendously just to talk with Him, to unload the burden, and even more to hear that i hadn't been too gentle or too seemingly unconcerned, or left *too* much responsibility in the hands of a teenager or any of the myriad other things i had worried about. Yes, i know, i invent things to worry about if nothing comes naturally!

We began to talk about other things, and the topic of a message board we have each visited in the past came up. i understand that message boards, and comments on blogs, and such things as that are a way to, which is something many don't seem to understand. But based on things i had read at a message board and on other blogs, we have recently begun to really talk about what makes our relationship work.

Y'all know that i consider Padrone the most unique Master i have ever met. i haven't really been able to encapsulate just why, but i think today i am onto something. i've called it common sense, i've called it the framework, i've said a lot of things, but the reality is that we have a relationship. Period.

The framework of rules that i follow daily is in place for various reasons. Yes it is for me, but it serves a larger purpose, one that i know *i* hadn't ever thought of before and which hit me while we were talking. It frees me to be in a relationship without constantly trying to have a submissive mindset.

Wait a minute, right? i'm a slave, isn't that what i'm "supposed" to do? Have a submissive mindset constantly? Um. Not exactly.

See, the deal is...i'm human. i'm a woman. i'm a mother. i'm working towards professional certification. i'm an ex wife. i'm a new gardener. i have so many things going on in my life that there is no way i could stay in a mindset of submission all the time. That doesn't mean that Padrone is not in my mind, in my thoughts, all the time, because He is. The knowledge of my enslavement and His ownership doesn't leave me, ever. But i'm capable and desirous of making decisions on my own, and relying on Him for help and guidance when i need it. He steps in whenever He wishes to, but one thing that makes us work so well is that so much of our D/s personalities are expressed within the framework that we are freed by it to express other dimensions more freely, and more fully.

We live as ourselves, not in a role. We relate to each other as ourselves, knowing that we each live within our role every day, but acknowledging, welcoming, loving that there is so much more to each of us than what can be expressed within a D/s dynamic.

It is so wonderful to be His slave. And i know He loves being my Master.

But you know what? i love His personality. i love that He has a routine, but is flexible when He wants to be. i love His sense of humor. i love His laugh. i love His singing. i love when He can't find the english word for something. i love when He is romantic. i love when He talks about books and movies, knowing i have no clue what He's talking about but teaching me anyway. i love that He doesn't laugh at my attempts to learn italian. i love that He sometimes *does* laugh at my attempts to learn italian (who wouldn't?)

i guess all of that can be expressed within a D/s dynamic. But i won't ever forget that He told me once, quite some time ago, that being with me let Him relax and not constantly stay in "Dom mode". That speaks volumes, i think.

Rituals, rules, constant expressions of submission, obedience, or control...are all well and good if that is all you want out of a relationship. But frankly, i want it all. i want someone who expresses concern when i am sick, who teases when i have my period, who takes what He wishes when He wishes to, who surprises me with rewards and praise and pride so often. i don't want someone who has to live within the confines of a defintion of Master, whether internal or external definition, and in doing so holds back part of Himself from the woman He owns and loves.

What makes our relationship work? Treating it as a relationship. When problems come up, finding a solution that works, no matter if it diminishes control or not. Accepting responsibility for mistakes. Working on communication and dealing with problems. In essence, using common sense and not getting blinded by the trappings of the labels that our personalities create for us.

The thought that triggered this discussion was sharing our thoughts on whether or not, when a woman becomes a slave to a Master, her children do as well. In other words, does she necessarily relinquish control of her kids to her Master when she becomes slave. We discussed it for a while and finally Padrone, after expressing a kind of disbelief that women would actually do that and talking in D/s-speak about how slavery and control are consentual and that kids cannot give consent...finally He said "why not just help each other?"

And that, my friends, is what being in a relationship is all about. That attitude is what makes us work so well. And i am, indeed, the luckiest slave on earth.

Grazie mille, Padrone. i am Yours.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

More thoughts

i didn't do such a good job explaining Padrone's thoughts yesterday, so i am giving it one more try today.

There were only a couple of things that i didn't explain well, but they are important enough to deserve far more than they got yesterday. i just kept thinking "man, i've typed and typed and typed, and folks will get SO tired of reading if i don't STOP!" So i stopped - lol.

i was typing about some of Padrone's thoughts regarding D/s, His philosophy, what makes Him unique in my experience of Dominants. i know i have mixed some of my own thoughts into it, but as i said to Him this morning, it isn't easy relating strictly HIS thoughts - they are always going to be filtered through my own if i am the one expressing them.

But one thing that deserves a lot of attention, and something that really made me sit up and, how true! when He told me....was the idea that a framework of rules and/or rituals is strictly for the benefit of the submissive.

Kind of goes against traditional thought, doesn't it? That's what i meant when i said that Padrone's thoughts are unique. But it really is true, and again, it is common sense.

Let's face it. Masters can take whatever they wish, whenever they wish it...and i'm not talking simply sexually of course. They can order, demand, request, ask, however they choose to phrase things, but get what they want anyway. What else do they need out of a slave?

But slaves need more than simply to be at a man's beck and call constantly. Logistically that's what we are, but life on the edge, for me at least, doesn't mean on the edge of uncertainty. Will He want me/need me/ ask for me today, or won't He? How do i act? What will He want when we talk/see each other? What behaviors will He expect? And the worst possible thing a slave can live with... what if i guess wrong and displease Him?

Wow. More to rules than simply rules, i guess.

Reality is that a framework frees us slaves from worrying about pleasing, to knowing that our obedience is pleasing....we can reach a point, once the framework is ritualistic and a deeply ingrained part of our life, that we can focus on offering things, words, actions, obedience in ways that we might never have been able to before. i know that, if i greet Padrone the way i am required to greet Him, i please Him (especially since i take a bit of liberty with the requirement). i know that i have shown my submission to Him with a simple gesture, and that beyond that, i follow His lead. i know that, by following the rules He has placed in my life, rules that are specific to me, rules that change just enough about my way of living that He remains my focus all day long....i please Him. By obeying, by showing this submission every day, i serve Him. Does HE need that constant service? Well, no. He can and does get service from me whenever and as He wishes. That's why i can say that the framework is for my benefit.

When we slaves have such a unique, well-fitting, thoughtfully structured framework, we can move beyond what i think of (now at least) as "superficial submission", and reach deep inside ourselves, become more vulnerable within the safety net of our framework, and give things we never dreamed we could give.

We are safe in the knowledge that we please our Masters, when we are given the opportunity to prove ourselves pleasing through obedience to the rules He has set in place in our lives. Only when we feel that emotional security can we open ourselves to more vulnerable ways to surrender.

The problem is that so many Dominants don't understand that the framework can't simply be what *they* want in place. So many Doms seem to think that they are doing the slave a favor by giving her rules, and she should be grateful enough to obey whatever He sets in place. i tried to think of an instance when that would be a valid argument, and the only time would be in Fantasy. Putting someone whose life purpose seems to be to please others into a situation where she gives her all and it can never be good enough, simply because rules and requirements weren't made for just not good. It can be harmful, not only to a relationship but also to the people involved in it.

i am thinking of a specific example. The couple love each other, it is quite obvious. And the slave gives so much of herself to show her devotion and adoration of her Master, yet the Master tends to....well.... He seems to take it for granted, and also demand, expect, more. Her rules aren't easy...i know that i, specifically, couldn't obey them regularly. Padrone and i have even talked about this and He wouldn't have ever put them into place like that for me, because He knows they aren't realistic for my life. i understand that this couple's life is totally different from mine, but....based on what i know of them, the rules would be even more difficult for her than for me to obey!

So she gets what her Master calls an "attitude" at times. She forgets rules, she forgets rituals. He gets lax at times in His responsibility to ensure that she obeys, however the thoughts He expresses are "she *knows* what is required and she doesn't do it"'s her fault, not His. i understand where He is coming from, in a way, because she has agreed to the rules. She said she wants them. But once rules are in place, it becomes the Master's responsibility to enforce them. Every slave gets lax at times, forgetful, "blonde". If we didn't need an outside influence to hold us accountable, what would we need a Master for anyway? That is such an integral part of what submission is....and what being a Master is, as well. To exert control, to accept another's submission, means to take on a measure of responsibility for her, *especially* regarding what You specifically require of her!

And here's another thought. A slave will say she can do anything, she wants as many rules as possible, if she thinks it will please her Master. Many of us don't have the ability to say "no, i can't" when it comes to something our Master says He would like to have us do. So when Padrone introduces a new rule...i am thinking specifically about the rule about texting every hour....He asks if i think i can do it. That rule was quite a demanding one in the beginning. It required a lot of focus and attention to make sure i did it. i not only agreed to it, i begged for it, with much enthusiasm and eagerness! He knew, more than i did, how difficult an adjustment it would be, but He put it in place anyway. Guess what though. Had it been too unrealistic, He would have changed the requirements of the texting...every 2 hours... or 4 times a day....He wanted me to text, and knew that would be a requirement for was the frequency that He considered, and would reconsider had i not been able to obey without tremendous hardship.

i won't ever forget the first time i missed a text - by just a few seconds. i had to write 50 lines "i must text Padrone every hour". i was furious with Padrone that He made me do that for a few seconds! But realistically i had nothing to cry "unfair" about, did i? i agreed, i begged, and i did the punishment. Most importantly, i learned a valuable lesson.

The relationship i was describing before is one that seems stuck in place. The Master doesn't seem to want to change anything, because His slave says she wants it all in place. There doesn't seem to be any flexibility, no desire to make the framework something that suits His slave's life, gives her the needed structure and yet frees her to offer submission in other ways. She is too focused on having a constantly good attitude while she does things that would overwhelm the best of us. The reality is that, in that relationship, the framework is in place for the Master's benefit and not for the slave's....and so the framework itself is faulty and should be rethought, redesigned.

Padrone's belief is that He won't require me to do daily tasks that He doesn't want to be responsible to ensure that i do. In other words, if He doesn't feel like following up on a rule within my framework, it doesn't become part of the framework. There are so many other ways He can exert His control over me, and does, that the framework is....

Well, it is a constant reminder for me of His control, even when we're not talking or online together. It is a way for me to submit, to show my submission, in the same manner. It is not for Him...all He has to do is call or text or email or yahoo...i get all of those instantly on my BlackBerry...and He controls me at His will. My being available is all HE needs. But as a slave, i need to live a life filled with submission and control, even when i don't need to "feel" those things overtly. i need the structure, the accountability, the responsibility, to bring everything else in my life into focus.

And so, there it is. The reason behind the framework in my life, and the reason behind the flexibility of that very framework. When my nipples got too tender for me to wear the clothespins every time i went to the bathroom, He gave me days off so they could heal. He then, after realizing how hard it is for me to ask for a break, granted me 3 days a month "pin free". i don't even have to tell Him when they are, that's not important to Him to know. He simply wants my nipples extremely sensitive. He didn't want to cause damage or have me so uncomfortable that the pain is really unbearable when constantly irritated. So it was simple common sense that He change that rule, grant some flexibility, and take care of His most valuable possession.

i think there are other things i wish i had explained better in yesterday's post, but i'll have to re-read and think about how to word it better. i am going to stop here and hope this issue is a bit more clear at least.

Padrone, if i misrepresent Your thoughts here, i know You will let me know, and i apologize in advance if i do. i think i know You well enough by now to know that what i am saying here are Your true thoughts and beliefs about how best to make a relationship work, and specifically a Master/slave relationship work. i hope others can see You in ways they never have, and can truly begin to understand why i always consider myself to be the luckiest woman on earth to belong to You.

i am Yours, Padrone. Grazie.

Friday, May 01, 2009

some of Franti's thoughts

This week i've decided to try to encapsulate some of Padrone's thoughts in one blog post. i know, good luck, right?

Well, we talked tonight for quite some time, and i kind of got a good idea of where to begin. First, i should say that Padrone's overriding plus, and what makes Him such an unusual Dominant, is that He didn't check His common sense at the door when He took the label "Dominant"!

He gave this analogy....if someone owns a Ferrari, he doesn't go kick it every day, and not maintain it well, does he? Everyone would be like...."YOU'RE CRAZY! You own a Ferrari and You don't take care of it? What a privilege You're wasting!" And You wouldn't use it to move furniture. You wouldn't abuse Your Ferrari, because of the price You paid for it, and that You realize it is a privilege to own it.

It is even more of a privilege to own another human, because she gave the control to You freely. Simply because You own something, or someone, and can abuse it or her... doesn't mean You should. You won't own either thing or human long, if You don't take care of Your property.

His most basic philosophy is that He needed to find someone who would have the attitude of "whatever You want, whatever You need, i will do my best to do for You". When He found her, He had what He wanted, but He then had a responsibility to keep her, if He wanted her to maintain the attitude He needed. There is no authority without responsibility. There is no ownership without responsibility. There is no meeting of Your needs without being responsible for meeting the needs of the one giving You her all to meet Yours. That's just life.

So if You meet someone and You want to keep maintain a relationship with them...what do You do? Well, Padrone's attitude, His philosophy, is that a happy slave serves better....and in general, to be happy, You have to do what it takes to make Your partner happy. What a revolutionary thought!

i could give example after example of how He did this for me, in particular. i probably will later in this post. i know i have throughout this blog. But never have i made any attempt to convey His D/s philosophy, and His relationship philosophy in general, in one concise post. (yes, laugh, i said concise!)

First He had to gain some insight into His own personality. He came to realize that He needed to control someone pretty strongly. Now, that, to Him, means that He needs someone who will be available whenever He chooses for whatever He chooses, and He doesn't have to take her headache into account! (or whatever) So yeah, pretty nice isn't it? He controls me when He wishes to, in whatever ways He wishes to, and He's got a pretty good setup right? (i want one of those slaves, i'd have a clean house all the time!)

And that is where many Doms stop thinking, and leave their common sense at the door. While that is a good theoretical approach, and theory would demand that a slave have a nice, submissive, available attitude at all times as well, anyone who has lived in the real world for any length of time knows full well that .... well that's truly a theoretical world, to put it politely. It's sheer fantasy, which so many want to live out in the real world. Ain't happening, sorry.

So what does a Dom do, when He has His basic needs met and wants to keep it that way? Well, He should work to get to know His slave, her needs, her wants, her life, her circumstances, her obligations (other than Him, i know, it's terrible isn't it?), and find what is a realistic kind of framework of rules and expectations that she can fulfill....that won't discourage or overwhelm her...that will enhance her slavery, her life as a whole...that will bring her confidence, control, accountability and structure that she needs. It isn't the same frame for every slave, because every slave is a different woman. One of the most dangerous things that this lifestyle has tended to promote is that "slave" is a generic term and that the women who call themselves slaves are interchangeable with one another. It takes a wise man to look beyond that thought and see the woman behind the label, and an even wiser one to fit a framework that she can live with, and actually enjoy living with to boot!

See, the "book" says *a* slave's greatest pleasure is in serving, being used, being found pleasing. Well, that's not exactly true. For most of the slaves i have been privileged to know, the pleasure is in our Master's pleasure - and more importantly, His expression of that pleasure, and not in the service itself. There is a reward for our service, and that reward is different for each person. We're unique, folks, what a concept!

Here's another thought. When a Dom meets a slave, and makes an attempt to begin a relationship with her, if He comes into it with an idea of how HIS slave will behave, things HIS slave will or will not do....then He dehumanizes the woman He is talking to even without talking to her. In other words, He doesn't look to her life to see which, if any, of His ideas and desires are feasible for her to live.

i used to get so frustrated, back before i was Padrone's, when a Dom would want to collar me, and would offer 10-15 rules from the beginning that were punishable from day 1. Now yanno...that wouldn't have been a problem had any of those men gotten to know me to see if i could actually DO those things or not! But the reality is that they "knew what they wanted in a slave", and i tended to not "fit" their mold...which was usually based on something they had read! And the most damaging thing about that whole, repeated, scenario was that i always felt inadequate as a slave to meet a Dom's needs. That's one reason for all my insecurities as a slave - because i never was able to measure up, until Padrone.

Here's an example of how Padrone was different, from very early in our relationship.

When Padrone first took control of me, He had one rule. Bugged the stew outta me, because He was so incredibly controlling during scenes, and kept talking about wanting to control beyond online and into my real life, so when i begged for it, and He said "one rule - no cumming"....i was like...WHAT???? (laughing here)

But as He got to know me, He added rules that fit my life. He may have had the same rules with other slaves, but even so, these are specific to me because other things He may like to control i can't give because of circumstances or whatever. i mean, He had a general idea from the beginning, based on His history with slaves in the past, of what is "doable" in general...but He didn't assume that anything was doable for me, simply because others had done it.

He had His basic needs met, remember? So what He had to do now was to provide a framework of rules for *me*. That is what would meet my own basic needs. That's what so many Doms/Masters miss. The rules they put forth aren't for them anymore, they have what they need and can take whatever, whenever, and that's really nice! But ongoing, everyday rituals and rules aren't for them...they are for the slave's security and comfort. What an amazing concept, huh?

There is so much more i could say. He used to tell me that He would not change who He is, even for me, and i knew why He said it but....He didn't change who He is... but He *did* change how He behaved. As He learned more about me and my insecurities and my fragilities, He realized that there were some things i did need, that He hadn't before realized were needs. For example...i used to ask for reassurance all the time...that He was happy with me...that He enjoyed owning me...that i made Him happy...what a drag! He would say (not often but often enough that i knew i was bugging Him asking, but i couldn't help myself)...i've told you, why won't you believe what i say? Why do i have to say it over and over again?!

But finally He began to offer reassurance before i could even ask for it. i was totally blown away that He would move beyond His own comfort zone and reach out to give me something to ensure that i also had a comfort zone with Him. That seems like a small thing to some, i know. But when it is added to the flexibility He shows when i come to Him and express a problem with following a rule....or when i ask for mercy for something i may have done or not done....or when i express a problem in other areas of my submission...He listens, He takes my needs, my wants, my reasons, my circumstances into account, and He comes up with a solution that is usually quite creative and that works well. That is what i mean....He doesn't check His common sense at the door, simply because He is a Master.

i don't know if i am explaining well or not. Padrone is quite willing to answer any questions anyone might have about what i share here regarding His thoughts. i know i don't give them justice. i overanalyze and overexplain. But please, if anyone has a question or a comment, please post it as a comment....He will answer in kind.

Padrone, please forgive me if i have mangled things here. i know i chase rabbits a lot, and it is really hard to explain things to others, that we can say to each other clearly because we know where we are coming from. But i hope i did get some points across simple this can be, how it is a relationship first, M/s second...and that meeting needs truly *is* a mutual thing, and not a one-way street. Those are, in my opinion, the basics of Your philosophy in owning a slave, and in loving a woman.

i love You, Padrone.