Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Words are very important in any relationship - they add so much but the lack of them can destroy even more. Because of the specific dynamics of our relationship words are even more meaningful to us than they may be to others, and that required a lot of adjustment for me.
The reality is that, no matter how much we wish our partner could read our mind, sometimes we have to overtly state things, or ask things outright. I have found that, once that awkward moment has passed, the discussion that follows is extremely beneficial and we usually have a far more open, close, relationship than before we talked.
There was a time when I wondered if I was supposed to act on my sexuality, or if that was presumptuous. I mean, submissive means having needs, but releasing control for those needs being met to another, right? I had always known that I could attract men, seduce them, but when the power was given to another over my life, my sexuality....what then? Was I supposed to sit and wait for him to decide to use me or to make me feel a certain way or...what?
This is where the words come into play, for me at least. And boy did it take a lot of talking for me to finally come to understand that Padrone really *does* want the best for me, and if I try to seduce him, or even mention that I am feeling sexual, he will then take the control he wants and needs and do what he wants. Often, not always mind you, but often what he does is exactly what I had longed for. Not always of course. And there have been times when I have taken the initiative and simply gone ahead and acted on my feelings.
I think, for us, that seduction is as much mental as anything else. In our particular dynamic a lot of what Padrone appreciates is when I offer my submission overtly. He appreciates so much when I find ways to please him, not merely sexually but in all ways. That fuels his Dominance, and it feeds my own submission, and his happiness and mine are in direct proportion to each other so...it is a beautiful, symbiotic relationship.
He loves when I use my words to indicate my desires. He loves a certain tone of voice that sparks a response in him. We've been together long enough for me to understand what he likes and appreciates, and now and then I have a flash of an idea that works. More often I don't, but it is those times when things click that make him so happy with the slave he owns.
I started this post yesterday, and right after this Padrone used me quite harshly. After the use, in the same phone call, I asked for something that I never dreamed I would ask for - to be allowed to cum more often, especially using insertion with a realistic toy rather than just playing with my fingers or a vibe. I don't mean daily or anything but it had been so long that I wasn't even able to recognize the need as sexual...I simply lumped it all together under "stress". It hasn't been granted or even mentioned again, but I do know that Padrone is thinking about it and has had some insight that it may help me to relieve some of the other types of stress if the sexual bit doesn't build until it is adding to it. Not to mention the simple physical stress relief of an orgasm. I'm not sexually needy, so much so that I truly didn't realize until he used me in a particular way just how much I missed it, how much it helped me in general to experience it. But if we didn't have the type and level of communication we do, I could never have even mentioned it to him to open the discussion. It was one of those awkward moments, for me at least, but I do know that Padrone will do what is best for me after we talked. He is quite creative about things, though, so I really don't what will happen, but I am relieved that it is *his* problem now!
And then again, this morning, I asked permission for something and he denied it. I wasn't upset about it, but since it was something I really hoped to do, I very respectfully asked him to reconsider, giving the *real* reasons for it, and he did. He granted permission, but only after I explained the real reasons I had hoped to be given permission to do it, rather than the superficial reasons I had initially given. Words, talking, communication...it WORKS, y'all. It really, really works.
And I would say that even if he had not granted permission, btw. He would still have been given as much information as I could give, and made the decision based on that rather than the partial information he had before. Now, just don't ask why I don't give that kind of information first....I have no answer, yet. I will, though, it's how I am.
One last thought: I know that not everyone celebrates the extremely American holiday of Thanksgiving (which is tomorrow for those who may not know), but it is my sincere wish that everyone takes a moment or two and reflects upon things and people they are truly thankful for having in their lives. I have learned that a grateful heart is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I have such a different perspective on every aspect of my life now, which is the ultimate thing I am thankful for having in my own life.
Padrone, I will be thinking of you as my family and I share the feast we are blessed enough to spread on our table. You, my love, are the most wonderful blessing in my life, and it is due to you that my life has changed so dramatically. I love you, and I thank you, my loving Padrone. I am indeed grateful to be yours.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
So I am off for an entire WEEK!!! I love teaching, and even more right at this moment, that's for sure!
I think Padrone is kind of happy about that as well, if the soreness of my ass is any indication. It is supposed to be even more sore, possibly as soon as tonight. I will have some privacy tomorrow but he possibly won't, so the universe is still on its axis - lol.
I think the removal of stress of work has also had a major, positive, effect on my libido as well! I have been sexual, and I think I have been better about showing it when I feel that way. I know Padrone really enjoys when I can show that whore side of me, the need for sexual use. And I love when I beg for what I feel that I need, and he simply says "you will be what I want you to be" and that is the end of that.
I've gotten all my school assignments done for this week, and have begun on one of the ones due next week. My plan is to finish them either after class on Monday night, or on Tuesday at the latest, so I can enjoy my holiday week. I do have a couple of things to do with my work as well, but they can easily be done in between baking and cooking and cleaning this week. Of course, lesson plans aren't quite that easy, and I hope to get caught up with them ... at least for the most part ... this week as well. I do have to have them done for the first week back, at least, because I will have a substitute for two days while I go to training. Yay me!
I am happy, grateful for the week off, and proud to belong to my Padrone. Life is good.
I love you, Padrone. You are so wonderful to me, my Love, and I am grateful to be yours.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Wow, I didn't realize just how long it has been since I have written here. Time seems to speed by nowadays, and yet it drags at the same time.
I am more and more grateful for my Master. Padrone gets aggravated with how busy I am now, I think, especially when I am very busy on the weekends as well. I do try to plan around our times online, but of course that isn't always possible. And so there are often times when we just....see each other in passing, in some ways, although we may spend as much actual time together as possible. Sometimes it seems as if all we talk about is what is going on in our lives, and that isn't necessarily as conducive for intimacy as we need.
I've lost touch with some friends as well, and even my kids have had to learn to fend for themselves more. I miss contact with those who support me. But I do know they are still supportive, which is very, very important to me.
Things at my work are...well, they are unstable. I don't mean my job itself. But there is so much instability in terms of what we are doing and who is supposed to do what, that nobody even knows what is going on. It's hard to figure out what I am expected to do, and for whom. I *am* learning, though, but apparently not quickly enough for some folks. It's alright. I have 18 more days until Christmas vacation, then I'm halfway through my first year! And I will be so busy with both work and school next semester that it is my hope that it passes very, very quickly.
School - my own schooling - is going well I think. One class is difficult to judge, however, because of unclear or unspecified expectations. I have to figure out how to videotape myself teaching as well, which will again be...interesting. But mid-December I will be finished and will apply for my 5 year license as soon as I get my grades from my internship. That license will open even more doors for me, and I have already begun networking with my classmates and have a lead on another job next year. The situation I am in is bearable for this year, but unless I am offered another placement in this school district, I won't be able to continue there. Of course, there is one teacher who is also actively looking for another job, and her job is one that I would enjoy, so I have not made a commitment to leaving by any means. We'll see. Let's just say that I can do this for the rest of the school year and leave it at that.
I have injured myself again, btw. I swear I never used to be such a klutz. But a few weeks ago I fell *up* the stairs. (go ahead, laugh) I thought I had possibly sprained my left wrist, went to the nurse for an ice pack, she sent me to the doctor "just in case". I had x rays for a suspected fracture, was sent to the orthopedic specialist who put me in a cumbersome splint thingy for a week, went back for more x rays and have now been told that there is ligament damage. We are waiting for approval for an MRI to find out just what is wrong with it. It is likely at least "stretched" ligaments (doc's term, not mine), more likely torn. Treatment will depend on what the MRI finds of course, but apparently will consist of (most probably) a cast for 4-8 weeks while ligaments heal. If it is a bad tear, surgery. I'm wearing a removable brace now, and frankly a cast, while a pain in the butt, will feel better because of all the support it will provide. IF they can do this, I plan to ask for a red and white striped cast - a candy cane cast - for the holidays. If they can't, it will be red for Alabama of course!
And so we've just had the most amazing time together. *sigh* It was extremely intense and powerful and fulfilling. I'm floating in that place of unfocused submission which has left me without words and without thoughts to type. Padrone, your control is amazing, and as necessary in my life as breathing. Grazie, mio Padrone. Thank you for controlling me, for making and keeping me yours.