Wednesday, April 22, 2009

One spoiled slave

So Padrone made me think yesterday when He called me a spoiled slave. He didn't mean it in a bad way, as if He felt that i thought He was obligated to do things for me or something, because i would act ugly if He didn't. Rather what i think Padrone meant - and i say this with utter confidence actually - is that He was recognizing just how much He does for me, just how good i have things as His slave, based on my needs as a slave. Um...a simpler way to word that will require an explanation, so here goes nothing.

i honestly think the best way to say what i mean is to simply say that i expect Padrone to take good care of me. i don't expect to be treated as a queen, or a diva, or any such nonsense; rather i expect my needs to be met in ways that will require me to give Padrone what He wants and needs from me - gratitude and adoration.

See, that's what it's all about, and Padrone says it so well - a happy slave serves better. The thing that many miss about a D/s dynamic in a relationship is that the Dominant has major responsibilities towards the submissive. It isn't just a one-way street, as so many seem to think. (Btw, many slaves as well as Dominants feel that way, which surprises me and makes me stop and think my own philosophy through a bit more, but i am convinced that i am right in this one.)

Padrone not only meets my needs, He gives me things that i don't even realize i want at times. He grants wishes when i ask for them, often enough that i am not in the least discouraged from asking....but not so often that i take His granting them for granted. He gives me positive things for no reason at times, like when He tells me to wear my rope around my waist all day. He also uses me when He wishes, as He wishes....but will still take my mental/physical state into consideration if i struggle with obeying or serving, even if He continues to use me...He has taken *me* into consideration and made His choice.

He owns me in such a way that yes, i do know i am valued and treasured and loved, but i also know that with such wonderful knowledge comes responsibilities of their own. i do expect, based on our conversations as well as on experience, that Padrone will meet my needs to the best of His ability. He will also, as i said, grant some of my wants and wishes. Those things i have come to expect from Him. And i also expect that His wants, needs, wishes, all come first....sometimes, but not always, at my expense.

But i never take any of it for granted.

i appreciate everything that Padrone does. i realize that it has been a difficult thing for Him to own me through all the things that have changed and happened in the past (almost) 4 years. i know some of His struggles, from the opposite perspective of course, but even from a few words of His own during our discussions. i know that He could easily have turned away, released me, and moved on. And if He wasn't tempted to do just that at times, then He isn't human - lol. But the fact is that His perseverance, His commitment, His dedication to me, to our relationship, and to making it work and strengthen, is what drives Him in everything He does to keep me happy...therefore keeping me serving Him well. i would be a fool to take that for granted!

So, am i really spoiled? The traditional use for that term, in relation to a person, is one who gets her own way, and if for some reason it is denied her, will act out in negative or ingratiating ways in order to get her own way. It is a person who lives selfishly, even if in an unconscious way. It is a person who has forgotten, if she ever knew how, to appreciate what is given to her.'s definition is this: having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or over solicitous attention.

Now, here's how i feel about it. i *am* given a lot of attention. i *am* given some wonderful gifts, even things that others may take for granted. i *am* given permission to pamper myself, and told more often than not that i deserve it.

But what prevents me from being a truly spoiled slave, versus a "positively" spoiled slave, is that my character has not in the least been harmed by what i have been given. i am spoiled in terms of being given many positive things by my Padrone, but i recognize them often, and with much appreciation. That is what makes me a "positively spoiled" slave. i view gifts and privileges as opportunities to express the gratitude towards my Master that i can't ever seem to fully express, but which i feel almost all the time.

Padrone, thank You for helping teach me to have realistic expectations of You. Thank You for understanding that i deeply appreciate what You give me. And thank You for spoiling me with permissions and privileges and other opportunities to show my appreciation and gratitude. Thank You for allowing me to be a wonderfully and positively, and very happily spoiled slave.

i love You, Padrone.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Struggles, judgements, and blogs (oh my!)

*warning, small rant ahead*

i have to say that i hadn't planned on typing here today, but for some reason i can't get this out of my mind until i get it off my chest. i really have a hard time enjoying SOME others' blogs because of (usually covert) attitudes of jealousy, judgement, and competition. There. i've said it.

One of the best things about this lifestyle is that most folks are so open-minded about others' kinks. i mean, just because i don't like [insert disliked kink here], doesn't make it "bad" for others to like it. It isn't for me to judge what others do or how they handle themselves publicly.

But i have noticed in some of the blogs i have been reading, a disturbing (to me) trend that is getting a bit more prevalent. It's almost a competitive attitude, and i don't know of another way to describe it.

i had noticed it in chat rooms, but i really kind of wrote it off to brattiness or whatever....calling those submissives who behaved in ways to get attention "attention sluts". It is interesting how they garner the attention of Dominants, and also of submissives....usually positive attention from Doms and negative from subs but they don't seem to care. Usually it is in being "more", "better", "worse"... over the top things, attitudes, situations that demand that they get attention.

For instance, if someone comes into channel and greets politely...then the attention slut will greet "more" politely...if someone behaves submissively, then the attention slut will behave "more" submissively....if someone voices a problem, then the attention slut either has a "worse" problem, or they start teasing or bratting to divert conversation from the sub with a problem....if something good happens to a submissive, then something "better" happened to an attention slut. They disrupt scenes, or attempt to, they comment on couples, flirt with Doms in a commited relationship, and do all sorts of things to try to keep focus on themselves, even if it is negative focus. It's all a competition of sorts.

i have noticed that kind of thing in some of the blogs i have read recently. Not all, mind you, there are some people who are genuinely happy where they are and in their lives, and who love and accept others' with that same genuine attitude. But some, for whatever reason, want to judge.....if i struggle with one thing, then someone else struggles with something "worse"....if i have problems with service or attitude, then someone else is either "perfect", or has a worse scenario of problematic service or attitude. If my Master pisses me off, someone else's pissed her off worse.

Y'all get the idea.

(and no, i wasn't talking about me specifically, just a general "me" and "i", for illustration purposes)

It's kind of hard to stomach. i mean, it's really not easy for me to put my words, my thoughts, my attitudes, my service, my submission "out there" for others to see and read anyway. And i have always known that *i* as a person am being judged by the snapshot of my life and thoughts that is presented here in this blog, and being judged like that doesn't bother me as much as it used to, because i have internalized the idea that it really reflects on the one passing the judgement rather than on me.

The hard to stomach part is the "fakeness" of some people when they are doing the judging. i have read comments on blogs that have literally made me stop reading. i have read blog posts slamming another's blog. i have read subtle judgements in posts. i have read defensiveness and posturing. And i have read concern with the opinions of others, seemingly over the opinions or thoughts of their Masters (or slaves, depending on the blog).

i am so grateful that this is a peaceful little corner of "blogdom", where i come to type thoughts regarding myself, my Master, our lives, and our struggles, and i don't worry anymore about what others think, because i have seen the effects of it. So i'm going to stop rambling, stop ranting, and put away my soap box. i am going to cull through the blogs i read, and limit my exposure to all the competitiveness and covert judgements that can color my perceptions of others, and live in my own little lala land of seeing good in folks (for the most part). i'm going to struggle, type about my struggles, and let others judge me as they will.

i'm through now, promise.

i love You, Padrone

Monday, April 13, 2009

Expectations and other things

Yes, another blog post only one day after my last one! Has the sky fallen yet?

Well, i guess sometimes, for me, when it rains it pours in terms of the desire, or need, or whatever it is that drives me to type thoughts out in a public forum. i was reading my post of yesterday, and it dawned on me that the problems in many relationships don't stem from differing perceptions as much as the expectations that we have from those differing perceptions.

For instance, when i am given a rule that i am to do daily, and i don't do it, i tend to have the opinion that i have failed to perform my task.

When i don't do a daily task, as long as it isn't a recurring problem, Padrone has the opinion that i am human and have simply shown it.

We talked about it this morning, as a matter of fact, and He used an analogy to illustrate His thoughts to me that i found very easy to understand. He said that, if i were going to the grocery store, and had a list, and i do that every week....and if i get home and have forgotten the sugar....would i have failed? Or would i have made a simple, human, common mistake?

The answer is that i've made a mistake of course, but when it is a task set forth by Padrone, it's not the same, and i can only explain it by saying that by forgetting the sugar, i have made a mistake, and since it *was* simply a mistake there is no punishment involved, only the consequences of another trip to the store. But if i forget a task set forth by Him, any consequences are in the form of punishment.

So, while He expects that i will, at times, make a mistake in my obedience to my daily any human does.....He really sees the punishment for it as more of a negative consequence than as a true punishment. If forgetting to type an email once every few months is natural and expected, then why would a punishment be necessary?

That was what i was reacting to badly to, actually, the knowledge that His words and His actions didn't seem to be consistent. i didn't understand that He viewed punishment as a consequence to remind me, rather than a true punishment to change my behavior. i thought that by punishing me, He felt i could attain the perfection of never forgetting an email. In reality it was designed as more to be a "trip back to the store for sugar" than any attempt to change my behavior.

Where am i going with this? i'm not totally sure, but i know it really *is* about expectations. i expect to be able to at least have the *opportunity* to never be punished in tasks that He sets for me, and He expects a human effort from me, knowing and trusting that i will give my best as much and often as i can but expecting that i will make mistakes and not meet those expectations perfectly. In the past, those mistakes have equaled punishment. So, the question i really deserve punishment for a human mistake that i will make time and again?

And, the answer is that i deserve negative consequences. It may be the same things that happened before, but by labeling it consequences, then my own stress has eased, my own attempt to be perfect is still strong, but not making me frustrated and upset with myself when it doesn't happen. And by labeling it as consequences, it has also helped Padrone to understand that His expectations may need to be...redefined, or revisited, or even more clearly communicated, than they were before.

i never would have thought that was the case. i really thought something was wrong with *me* for getting so upset every time i missed an email and was punished for it. But the reality is that i was feeling as if i were set up to fail, and that there was an unavoidable punishment lurking over my head at all times, which would come down on me for making a mistake....not for bad behavior or bad attitude or anything that could be changed by a punishment.

Maybe we misuse the idea of punishment as the answer to every unmet duty of the slave. Frankly, everyone is going to miss something now and then, i don't care if you *do* wear superman pajamas! (i know, that was weird) And so i truly believe that there should be certain behaviors for which there aren't punishments, rather there are consequences... return trips to the store for sugar.

Now i know what happens when i miss an email...there is a consistent consequence in place for when that happens. It isn't something drastic, but will be a reminder all day of my mistake. i can text that i realized my mistake, do what is required, and go on. i can't TELL you how relieved that makes me feel. It's like a huge load off my shoulders.

Why? Because i know i am not going to be punished for missing an email anymore. (unless i just...decide not to type it for whatever reason or something). There will be consequences, just as there are with every mistake we make, whether large or small. Many times the consequences are what alert us to the fact that we *did* make a mistake! But by changing the way we word this, it has changed my own expectations of my behavior, and lines them up more closely with Padrone's....i can begin to make annoying "trips back for sugar", rather than stressing out over how to become perfect.

i honestly think that we in the D/s or M/s lifestyle, get too caught up in trappings or vocabulary, and often just doing what Padrone did and bringing in a totally vanilla analogy helps us communicate and clear the air much faster than if we kept talking in terms of punishment and undone tasks.

Punishment vs. consequences...what a novel thought! Ongoing consequences for mistakes, punishment solely for disobedience. Gosh, that's just...well, i don't like being punished, so it's a huge breakthrough in my mental processes, just changing the wording and setting definite, well-defined and predictable consequences for forgetting my email...that was so effective in changing my own perceptions, and my own expectations based on those perceptions. Wow, amazing! It seems like a totally new idea, and maybe it is in the D/s world - lol.

Thank You for being willing, and even glad, to talk about this today Padrone. i agree that we needed to, because it would eventually have become a land mine waiting to explode if we didn't. i think so, anyway.

i love You, Padrone.

Sunday, April 12, 2009


Padrone and i have done a lot of talking lately about this topic, differing perceptions and how they relate to our relationship. It's been interesting, and i guess i've let those thoughts color my ... perceptions ... as i have read other blogs recently. The result has been ... illuminating, to say the least.

i have a ton of thoughts buzzing through my mind, topics that i would typically share my thoughts about here. i will tackle one at a time and i don't know how well i will succeed in being coherent, but that's alright. If i am not, then either i'll hear that i am not, or anyone reading it will go away confused. i'm sure it's happened before.

Right now i kind of wanted to talk about something that was triggered by another's words in her blog. i don't even remember which one it was, i have begun to read so many lately, and rather than search for it, i will simply give a gist of her thoughts and then comment on them.

She said something to the effect that she felt that she fails more than her Master does, that it's a "usually" thing for her, and that she doesn't like it, doesn't want to, but she "usually" does fail.

i did a double take when i read those words, because frankly, it could have been me saying them at one time. It smacked of the typical, even stereotypical, submissive mentality that she can never measure up to her Master's expectations. So i brought up that subject with Padrone when we talked tonight. i didn't word it that way but it was the same idea.

We discussed so many things that stemmed from this original content. Submissives *do* tend to have issues of unworthiness, and a lot of times it is a result of improper expectations of them when they were growing up. Padrone says that i, specifically, felt that i had to be perfect to even be tolerated, and He is right in my case. i know i am not the only one for whom that could be said. i know that i was never taught to differentiate between behaviors and my entire "self", so when i didn't live up to expectations, whether it was in grades, work performance, behavior, words spoken or not spoken, whatever....i felt that it was me as a whole that was "bad", not just my behavior. It was reinforced verbally and physically in many ways by many people, so i was pretty much doomed to have issues in this area later in life. That is one expectation that i *have* lived up to!

But when a submissive finds the lifestyle, and suddenly she learns about Dominants, men who really DO separate behaviors from a person's whole being....who don't equate "bad behavior" with "bad woman"....who can punish and move on....who accepts her good parts, the parts she has desperately held onto in her most private places so she doesn't lose her entire self to "badness"....who values her, for who she is and not simply what she does....her natural reaction is distrust and that it is too good to be true!

Once she moves beyond that and begins to trust that someone, anyone, actually DOES want her enough to work to hold onto her....the disbelief can, and usually does, turn into an element of hero worship. That's not a bad thing, because Doms *love* to be worshipped and feel all powerful, all wise, all knowing, all that stuff. But a submissive who continues to do that runs the risk of becoming caught in the old trap of never feeling good enough, never feeling worthy enough, to belong to such a wonderful man.

You know, i still feel that i am the luckiest slave, the luckiest woman, alive. i have the most incredible Master, someone who sees things i don't, who shows me things i never would have known, who is patient and understanding and strict and easygoing and is, in general, a pretty decent man. But guess what? He ain't perfect, even if sometimes i have to remind myself of that fact.

Another potential problem within this dynamic that can stem from differing perceptions is that we, as submissives, rarely see when our Masters make mistakes. Yes, we intellectually know they make them, but rarely do we see proof, so it can be easy to kind of....skim over that - "oh yes, i know, He's human too, but oh He deserves so much more, so much better, than i could ever give Him, His imperfect self deserves the perfect slave who obeys every rule and jumps when called, never gets tired of kneeling or wearing a butt plug, never farts during sex, is always eager to be used and to serve and whose attitude is far more submissive than mine is".

i guess she jumps tall buildings and a single bound, and isn't a bird or an airplane either, huh?

i am not saying that we shouldn't strive for perfection. i believe that it's something we should do in every area of our lives. i don't DO it, but i believe we SHOULD do it. i do strive for perfection in my slavery. It just dawned on me why. It's one of the first things, besides being a mother, that i have ever felt confident about. i know i am a good slave. And so, i will try to become a better one. Other things i don't feel so good about, or i don't care as much about, so i don't have that same drive to become better in.

Anyway, it is the Master's duty to prevent the slave from sliding too far down that slippery slope of self deception and unworthy attitude. Padrone says He has to make sure He doesn't take my adoration too much to heart, no matter how wonderful it feels to Him to know how i see Him, how i feel about Him. He has to keep His head on straight to help me keep mine on straight. i never realized that He had the opposite issue that i did - maybe i should tone down my worship a bit? Somehow i don't think that would go over very well.

Anyway, a Dominant's mistakes are typically those of judgement or of behaviors that the submissive never even knows about. i told Padrone that i don't *want* to know about all of the times He feels He fails. It isn't that i don't want to know about His failures ... or that i don't think He is human and that He is infallable. It just has no place in our dynamic. i trust Him, even when He makes a mistake - or thinks He does - to correct it and move on. He has far more ability to do that than i do, and so the details don't matter to me, most of the time. Now and then it's nice to hear, though, and it keeps *me* from going overboard with the adoration as well.

So our perceptions about mistakes, failures, and who makes more, can lead into a dangerous place if we're not very careful not to let it happen.

But we also have different perceptions about so many other things, like rules and punishments, being set up to fail vs. being expected to do our best not to fail but expected to fail anyway, and the oldie but goodie - openness vs. mystery.

Rules and punishments are usually very emotional for a submissive, because of what i've already discussed, the inability for most of us to separate our self-image from behaviors when rules are broken. That becomes easier with consistent enforcement of punishments, then forgetting broken rules, by the Dominant. It became a huge issue for me recently when an unusual punishment was handed down for a not-so-unusual infraction of the rules. It was highly emotional, and to be honest, some of the understanding wasn't reached until we talked tonight, partly because i hadn't been able to express what was upsetting to me. But see....what i saw as an indication that i had, for some reason, screwed up big time....Padrone simply saw as a way to get me to type in my blog! Different perceptions, which created some really upsetting emotional havoc for me. Ugh.

And see, that particular rule - typing a daily email - is one that Padrone knows i will fail in doing. He has rarely failed to punish me for it though, even though He hates punishing me - He really expects that He will have to do it. i see that expectation as evidence that His rule sets me up to fail. i'm human, and forgetting an email will happen. That's life. Well, not so much now because i have an alarm set on my phone and i can type it from there if i have to but still. For almost 4 years, He has known that i will fail to follow this rule and that He will have to punish me for it. His expectation for me to fail is upsetting to me, and i can't understand why He can't say, rather than there being automatic punishment for every infraction, since He knows i will fail....that once every 3 months, or 4 months, or however often i typically forget it....even twice a year....i will be forgiven for being human. i understand that would be another pain in His neck to keep up with it, so i know it won't ever happen, but that would change...yep, my perception of the rule, from feeling set up to fail, to knowing that when i do fail, it is seen as a human failing. More often than however often He said, would be punishable because it would be more often than i usually forget.

i don't know, i'm just trying to give an idea of the different perceptions, and how they might be prevented. It's hard, i know, for a Master to set rules and expect 100% obedience at all times, and so many think that we will see anything less as weakness. In the beginning of a relationship, maybe we would. But later, when trust is so strong, it would not be seen that way at all.

And of course, the last one is a biggie - openness vs. mystery. i touched on it a bit earlier, when i mentioned that Masters don't usually reveal their mistakes to their slaves, but that a slave's are not only well known, but punishable with visible consequences as well. But the openness vs. mystery can also extend into emotions as well. Many times the slave is expected to be totally open to her Master, even if there were things she would rather keep private. i am not talking about things that could affect their relationship - i've been there and done that and almost lost the best relationship i have ever had because of secrecy. i am talking about privacy. i am talking about emotions that are best kept behind walls. i am talking about words best left unspoken. i am talking about things that a Master takes for granted that He will never share with anyone about Himself, yet expects His slave to share, sometimes publicly. i have read blogs lately where the slave is typing things that she clearly stated repeatedly that she didn't feel comfortable sharing, but that her Master insisted, required, that she share. It's good for her, of course, but i didn't read the first word from the Master typing things that might be good for HIM to share. Funny how that works, isn't it?

It's there in small things, in large things, in everyday things, and in unique situations. i am glad Padrone understands that there are things i would rather not share with Him, although if He asked me i would tell Him. i am glad that He understands how private i am with most things, and even typing here at times is too public for me even though i think about 3 folks read it - lol. That's still 3 folks besides Padrone and me that know my deepest thoughts and emotions, and can figure out how my mind works. And that's what bothered me about my recent punishment by blog post. It wasn't the typing my thoughts that was the problem, although i immediately wondered if i had upset Him by missing that particular email....just back from vacation, where i necessarily had fewer rules and opportunities to show my submission....and He was feeling very controlling....and i thought that was why the harsher punishment. Turns out, He knew i hadn't typed here in a while and He wanted my thoughts about the question i brought up in my text, and voila! a punishment is born. But to me it was far more than was a forced when i had to change my nick in channel, only not *QUITE* as traumatic as that. Public punishment, describing my thoughts on the punishment itself, was not a pleasant experience, believe me.

But i never would have known or understood His thoughts behind setting that punishment, and hence probably would never be able to truly recover from the trauma of it, if He hadn't opened up and revealed a bit of His thoughts to me, letting me peek into His perception and really understand that He didn't have a harsher punishment in mind when He set it, He really did just want me to type here, and to read my thoughts.

It gives Him a greater understanding of me, He says...insight into how i think. The thing better serve Him, i need a taste of that same insight into HIS thoughts, and i am lucky enough to be given that insight fairly often.

So if i talk about how lucky i am, maybe y'all will understand a bit more why i say that over and over. i don't want to know every thought that goes through Padrone's mind, and sometimes i forget that His perception is different from my own. But i am lucky enough that He helps me know where He is coming from - to understand as much of His side as i can - so that i can learn to trust more and deeper and have a fresh viewpoint of me, my actions, how they affect Him and our relationship. What a gift.

i love You, Padrone.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Forgotten task and punishment

i don't even know how to begin this post. i guess i should say what happened and then go from there.

i have a standing rule, one of the first put into place, that i am to type a daily email to Padrone. i have a tendency to forget to do so now and then, and i did yesterday.

The thing is, that's such a stupid thing to forget to do. It really pisses me off with myself when i forget it, and especially when, because of the time difference, it is first thing in the morning when i hear about my screwup. That's hard to wake up to, yanno?

Usually when i forget my email, i write lines, or wear something green as punishment. But today, i asked in my text when i apologized for not typing it, a question that Padrone wants me to type about here. i asked "how I can be so diligent for a while, then simply forget one day?"

So here goes. i don't know the answer, if i did, i wouldn't have asked the question. i guess i'm just human and humans make mistakes. i do know that, for me at least, perfection is my enemy.

i know Padrone doesn't really....i almost said He doesn't care if i miss an email, but that isn't right. He just expects it. It will happen, but maybe no more because i have an alarm set on my phone. If i can't get to my computer to type it, i will do it from my phone from now on.

i know, a slave's life is hard. Sometimes it seems that even when it *is* hard, though, that i'm supposed to simply "suck it up" and move on. i try, and sometimes i succeed.

But the question i'm supposed to address here is why i forget after being diligent for a while.

Could be a result of many things, actually. Yesterday the earthquake was on my mind a lot, i was concerned about Padrone's countrymen, much as many people were concerned about us after Katrina, or folks after Ivan. i can understand, to a small degree, what they are going through, although theirs was totally unexpected and with hurricanes, folks usually have a general idea whether or not they'll be affected, withing 48 hours or so of landfall. Anyway, that was only part of it.

We had a change in routine, and were online and got offline earlier than usual. i know that played a part in it, because i usually type my email soon after getting out of IRC, but last night i went walking and took a bath and went to bed. Was it the change in routine that made me forget? Maybe, who knows?

i still had my phone while i was in bed, so i could have typed it from there. i just forgot to do it.

Padrone says it is that i am human, nothing more than that. Maybe it is. Maybe i'm just like billions of other folks who forget things and have consequences for them. Maybe circumstances affected me so that it happened on that one day, and didn't happen when i was on vacation last week. And maybe i am just a slave who can't even get one simple rule right, one rule that i've been doing for almost 4 years now, and i still can't obey.

So there it is. i have no answer to this question. i have learned from this though, things that will take time for me to absorb and apply to my slavery. First thing, and most importantly, type my email.

Padrone, i have already apologized for missing my email, and for needing time to adjust to the negativity that started my day. i don't know if this blog post will suffice as punishment, but i have tried to type it objectively and without the deep emotions i am feeling showing through. i know i didn't succeed in that totally, but i think i did to a degree. i hope i did at least.

i love You, Padrone. i am Yours.