Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Thankfulness and Gratitude

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and that even though life begins to return to normal this week, with just a New Year's bump in the way, everyone can keep a bit of the wonder of Christmas in their hearts for as long as possible.

I've been thinking about something lately that I am not totally sure I can articulate clearly but I am going to try. I often talk about how grateful I am ... and how I have noticed a strong "attitude of gratitude" in my life in the past couple of years that has grown until it couldn't be ignored any longer.

But that is just what it is - gratitude. It is far more than simple thankfulness. For me, being thankful is more...specific to a situation or circumstance, than is gratitude. I am very thankful for many, many things in my life. I am thankful for specific things, for situations, for people, for circumstances. And maybe it is due to this feeling of thankfulness that contributes so strongly to the gratitude that overflows so strongly at times.

I read recently that gratitude is happiness combined with awe. That simple statement really hit home with me. I often talk here about being happy, and I am incredibly happy. I mean, incredibly happy. I have struggled to describe that feeling, at least until I read that particular statement. Now I can say that my happiness is mixed with a very strong feeling of awe.

I am awestruck by my life. I am truly amazed by where I am now, by who I am, by the path that has gotten me to this place. I have waited so long, been through so much, to reach the career goal that had seemed so elusive my entire life.

But the most important, least obvious, change has been within (as it usually is when people go through major changes). I am still working on things, of course, but where I am now compared with where I was even when Padrone and I met ... well, let's just say those places are worlds apart. I am very thankful for that. But I am also incredibly grateful.

I'm struggling with how to express what I am trying to say.

I have grown exponentially as a woman in the past few years. It had actually begun before I met Padrone, but it has steamrolled since meeting him. Yes, he has played the most vital role in that change, but it is because of his unconditional acceptance of me as I am. He has revealed to me part of how he sees me, and the gradual (and maybe unintentional) way in which he did it convinced me of his sincerity. He wasn't just blowing smoke, as many others had done before him.

You know, that is probably the *most* important pillar in the foundation of our relationship, and just as importantly in my own personal growth. See, it has grown and changed, morphed from simply being his opinion to my own belief in myself. I don't know when or how the shift happened, I just know that it has.

Of course, I still have areas to work on in terms of insecurities and confidence. I find myself at work, for instance, unconsciously exhibiting some major insecurities, even though I honestly didn't realize I was doing it until someone mentioned it to me. I feel as if I have had so much thrown at me without much direction that my feelings of insecurity were natural. I think that most people would have felt that way in the same circumstances, but that could also be a major justification for my own feelings. I do know that I fear making mistakes at work. I think a lot of it is due to my work history - there was always the threat of losing a job if too many mistakes were made. I am finding that with teaching, at this particular district at least, is not that way. It is a difficult concept for me - that they are flexible and accepting even with mistakes. They would rather have stability than hire new teachers constantly. Now I realize why people complain about teachers - lol.

I am very thankful for the job. I am thankful that I was given a chance to prove myself. I am thankful for the time off I have had. I am thankful for small things, for big things.

But I am grateful for the way my life is in general. I am happy with a sense of awe at .... everything... who I am turning into, what is going on in my life, and the potential that has been unlocked for my future. Just...so very, very grateful.

Padrone, I know that you always say that it is me who is doing the "work" involved in all of these changes. And at times it is so overwhelming - so many changes all at once can really be too much to handle sometimes. I have tried to explain the effect you have had on me during this time of growth and change, and I can only hope that you understand that I truly could never have done all of this without you.

Padrone, I know that who I am is not what is going on in my life. It is just that I am so happy, so filled with awe that so many good things are finally happening .... and even more awestruck that I am not fighting the idea that I actually deserve them. I have worked hard, very hard, and am continuing to do so as you know, to bring about a lot of the changes that are happening. But that they are actually happening is filling my heart, my mind, and my entire life, with gratitude that overflows and affects every tiny little aspect of my life.

Thank you, Padrone, for doing more than just allowing me to do things. Thank you for encouraging, supporting, pushing, setting priorities, and loving me...it all boils down to the love. Padrone, I am deeply, unabashedly, grateful for the freedom to grow into who I am that will always be a part of our relationship because it is simply who you are. I may have changed and grown without you in my life, but I can guarantee that I would not have changed so much or come so far, without you. I am yours. So very, very yours. And inexpressibly grateful to be so.

Monday, December 19, 2011

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

And feel like it too! I'm not talking about the weather, or even the tree that is twinkling at me as if it has a big secret it is keeping from me! I have a major case of Christmas Spirit, right down to the ringtone on my phone, which is set as Sleigh Ride by the band Relient K! Every time I hear it I remember going to see them in concert with my daughter, and it brings back a lot of very good memories.

I just received notice that my last two classes ended in As, just like all I have taken since I began taking classes. I plan to take two classes in the Spring - one is a half-semester course, for 8 weeks only, and the other is a full semester course. The half-semester course is the same one that I ended up dropping in the fall, so I already have the books, the syllabus, and a bit of familiarity with the teacher, so that helps. I hope to be able to go ahead and get some of the assignments done, and maybe one of the "biggies" started, before the course begins. It won't start until at least the middle of January so I do hope to be able to get a jump start on it.

But I am not sure if I will be able to or not. At work I have had another major surprise, but this one is a pleasant one for me, even if not for some other teachers. My job has changed yet again. I've been moved from Elementary to Junior High, and I will be doing mostly inclusion. I will work with several teachers, and I will have the students in 7th and 8th grade, as oppposed to the 5th and 6th grade students I have now. I will miss my students, for sure, but I will not complain about going to the Junior High at all. The teacher who is going to 5th and 6th grade is really upset about it. She has always said that she *will not* teach Elementary, and since she is already planning on looking for a new job, I think this just reinforces that decision. I feel for her, because she has a semester of dealing with the teachers I have had to deal with!

This means not only changing IEP lists, but changing classrooms, changing buildings, changing administration. The only things that stay the same are the Sped Director, the Case Manager, and the Superintendent. I know these students because I have been doing inclusion for a couple of classes with them all year long. Now I feel that I will have the chance to get to know them, and help them, better because I will be seeing them more this way. I will *be* their Sped teacher, instead of them having several different teachers doing inclusion, or even none at all. I am glad it is working out, and I am glad to be in one school, and I am glad to be with the older students, although as I said I will miss my students very much. We haven't told them, which I disagreed with because of the types of students we have and their need for longer processing periods for new information...especially something as important as who their teacher will be. Oh well, that wasn't my decision, and other than seeing them in passing and (hopefully) grabbing a hug or two, it won't be me dealing with it. Harsh, maybe, but true.

So I am very excited about next school semester, both work-wise and school-wise. I have 6 more courses until I have my Masters degree, which I hope to complete next December. Wouldn't that be a trip? I also want to take another Praxis II exam so I can be highly qualified, and (even Padrone doesn't know this cos I keep forgetting to tell him) the Sped Director said the school district will pay for it! So I will probably take two of them, although the highly qualified one is most important and I will take it first.

And I can't keep from mentioning just how lucky I am to belong to Padrone. He is so warm and giving, loving and thoughtful, except when he plays backgammon of course. He isn't perfect, no matter how good he is, but we fit so well together that maybe it is our relationship that is so good, greater than either of us as individuals. I cannot imagine being with anyone else. I honestly have nothing to complain about, and this man makes it so easy to submit to him. I am unbelievably lucky, and I hope he feels the same way. I know he does, actually. I have no doubts whatsoever.

Honestly, I feel as if I am living a dream relationship. The only drawback is the ocean between us, but it is only *really* bad when we think about it, or when we have a powerful need (not necessarily sexual). I have been more aware of it since starting this job than ever before...I mean in an ongoing basis. I often would give anything for a hug, or for an evening with him, or a kiss, or .... well, y'all get the picture. But Padrone is just as wonderful as y'all might imagine about being even more "there" for me when I let him know I need it.

Padrone, I have often portrayed you in this blog as "larger than life", or in a more positive light than you seem to think you deserve. But all I can say is that you and my children are the best things that have ever happened to me. I would still be working at Wal Mart if it weren't for you, my Love, and your belief in me. Making you proud of me ...

I realize that, as a submissive woman, my ultimate goal in life is supposed to be serving you, making you happy. And you know, I love doing that. I love when you are happy and pleased with me. But, Padrone, the most incredible feeling in the world washes over me when you tell me how proud you are of me, and when you beam with pride over my accomplishments - big or small. I cannot explain just how that makes me feel, Padrone, but I can say that it is an addictive feeling and it motivates me even more than making you happy does.

I am not sure if I am explaining this well or not, but I do hope you understand what I am trying to say. My life has been forever changed because I know you. You could never have made this type of difference in my life if you had been any other man, or any other type of Master. How I love you, my wonderful, life-changing, Padrone. Thank you...thank you....thank you.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Words, Words, Words

Words are very important in any relationship - they add so much but the lack of them can destroy even more. Because of the specific dynamics of our relationship words are even more meaningful to us than they may be to others, and that required a lot of adjustment for me.

The reality is that, no matter how much we wish our partner could read our mind, sometimes we have to overtly state things, or ask things outright. I have found that, once that awkward moment has passed, the discussion that follows is extremely beneficial and we usually have a far more open, close, relationship than before we talked.

There was a time when I wondered if I was supposed to act on my sexuality, or if that was presumptuous. I mean, submissive means having needs, but releasing control for those needs being met to another, right? I had always known that I could attract men, seduce them, but when the power was given to another over my life, my sexuality....what then? Was I supposed to sit and wait for him to decide to use me or to make me feel a certain way or...what?

This is where the words come into play, for me at least. And boy did it take a lot of talking for me to finally come to understand that Padrone really *does* want the best for me, and if I try to seduce him, or even mention that I am feeling sexual, he will then take the control he wants and needs and do what he wants. Often, not always mind you, but often what he does is exactly what I had longed for. Not always of course. And there have been times when I have taken the initiative and simply gone ahead and acted on my feelings.

I think, for us, that seduction is as much mental as anything else. In our particular dynamic a lot of what Padrone appreciates is when I offer my submission overtly. He appreciates so much when I find ways to please him, not merely sexually but in all ways. That fuels his Dominance, and it feeds my own submission, and his happiness and mine are in direct proportion to each other so...it is a beautiful, symbiotic relationship.

He loves when I use my words to indicate my desires. He loves a certain tone of voice that sparks a response in him. We've been together long enough for me to understand what he likes and appreciates, and now and then I have a flash of an idea that works. More often I don't, but it is those times when things click that make him so happy with the slave he owns.

I started this post yesterday, and right after this Padrone used me quite harshly. After the use, in the same phone call, I asked for something that I never dreamed I would ask for - to be allowed to cum more often, especially using insertion with a realistic toy rather than just playing with my fingers or a vibe. I don't mean daily or anything but it had been so long that I wasn't even able to recognize the need as sexual...I simply lumped it all together under "stress". It hasn't been granted or even mentioned again, but I do know that Padrone is thinking about it and has had some insight that it may help me to relieve some of the other types of stress if the sexual bit doesn't build until it is adding to it. Not to mention the simple physical stress relief of an orgasm. I'm not sexually needy, so much so that I truly didn't realize until he used me in a particular way just how much I missed it, how much it helped me in general to experience it. But if we didn't have the type and level of communication we do, I could never have even mentioned it to him to open the discussion. It was one of those awkward moments, for me at least, but I do know that Padrone will do what is best for me after we talked. He is quite creative about things, though, so I really don't what will happen, but I am relieved that it is *his* problem now!

And then again, this morning, I asked permission for something and he denied it. I wasn't upset about it, but since it was something I really hoped to do, I very respectfully asked him to reconsider, giving the *real* reasons for it, and he did. He granted permission, but only after I explained the real reasons I had hoped to be given permission to do it, rather than the superficial reasons I had initially given. Words, talking, communication...it WORKS, y'all. It really, really works.

And I would say that even if he had not granted permission, btw. He would still have been given as much information as I could give, and made the decision based on that rather than the partial information he had before. Now, just don't ask why I don't give that kind of information first....I have no answer, yet. I will, though, it's how I am.

One last thought: I know that not everyone celebrates the extremely American holiday of Thanksgiving (which is tomorrow for those who may not know), but it is my sincere wish that everyone takes a moment or two and reflects upon things and people they are truly thankful for having in their lives. I have learned that a grateful heart is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I have such a different perspective on every aspect of my life now, which is the ultimate thing I am thankful for having in my own life.

Padrone, I will be thinking of you as my family and I share the feast we are blessed enough to spread on our table. You, my love, are the most wonderful blessing in my life, and it is due to you that my life has changed so dramatically. I love you, and I thank you, my loving Padrone. I am indeed grateful to be yours.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

One Happy Teacher!

So I am off for an entire WEEK!!! I love teaching, and even more right at this moment, that's for sure!

I think Padrone is kind of happy about that as well, if the soreness of my ass is any indication. It is supposed to be even more sore, possibly as soon as tonight. I will have some privacy tomorrow but he possibly won't, so the universe is still on its axis - lol.

I think the removal of stress of work has also had a major, positive, effect on my libido as well! I have been sexual, and I think I have been better about showing it when I feel that way. I know Padrone really enjoys when I can show that whore side of me, the need for sexual use. And I love when I beg for what I feel that I need, and he simply says "you will be what I want you to be" and that is the end of that.

I've gotten all my school assignments done for this week, and have begun on one of the ones due next week. My plan is to finish them either after class on Monday night, or on Tuesday at the latest, so I can enjoy my holiday week. I do have a couple of things to do with my work as well, but they can easily be done in between baking and cooking and cleaning this week. Of course, lesson plans aren't quite that easy, and I hope to get caught up with them ... at least for the most part ... this week as well. I do have to have them done for the first week back, at least, because I will have a substitute for two days while I go to training. Yay me!

I am happy, grateful for the week off, and proud to belong to my Padrone. Life is good.

I love you, Padrone. You are so wonderful to me, my Love, and I am grateful to be yours.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

La-La-La-La Life Goes On

Wow, I didn't realize just how long it has been since I have written here. Time seems to speed by nowadays, and yet it drags at the same time.

I am more and more grateful for my Master. Padrone gets aggravated with how busy I am now, I think, especially when I am very busy on the weekends as well. I do try to plan around our times online, but of course that isn't always possible. And so there are often times when we just....see each other in passing, in some ways, although we may spend as much actual time together as possible. Sometimes it seems as if all we talk about is what is going on in our lives, and that isn't necessarily as conducive for intimacy as we need.

I've lost touch with some friends as well, and even my kids have had to learn to fend for themselves more. I miss contact with those who support me. But I do know they are still supportive, which is very, very important to me.

Things at my work are...well, they are unstable. I don't mean my job itself. But there is so much instability in terms of what we are doing and who is supposed to do what, that nobody even knows what is going on. It's hard to figure out what I am expected to do, and for whom. I *am* learning, though, but apparently not quickly enough for some folks. It's alright. I have 18 more days until Christmas vacation, then I'm halfway through my first year! And I will be so busy with both work and school next semester that it is my hope that it passes very, very quickly.

School - my own schooling - is going well I think. One class is difficult to judge, however, because of unclear or unspecified expectations. I have to figure out how to videotape myself teaching as well, which will again be...interesting. But mid-December I will be finished and will apply for my 5 year license as soon as I get my grades from my internship. That license will open even more doors for me, and I have already begun networking with my classmates and have a lead on another job next year. The situation I am in is bearable for this year, but unless I am offered another placement in this school district, I won't be able to continue there. Of course, there is one teacher who is also actively looking for another job, and her job is one that I would enjoy, so I have not made a commitment to leaving by any means. We'll see. Let's just say that I can do this for the rest of the school year and leave it at that.

I have injured myself again, btw. I swear I never used to be such a klutz. But a few weeks ago I fell *up* the stairs. (go ahead, laugh) I thought I had possibly sprained my left wrist, went to the nurse for an ice pack, she sent me to the doctor "just in case". I had x rays for a suspected fracture, was sent to the orthopedic specialist who put me in a cumbersome splint thingy for a week, went back for more x rays and have now been told that there is ligament damage. We are waiting for approval for an MRI to find out just what is wrong with it. It is likely at least "stretched" ligaments (doc's term, not mine), more likely torn. Treatment will depend on what the MRI finds of course, but apparently will consist of (most probably) a cast for 4-8 weeks while ligaments heal. If it is a bad tear, surgery. I'm wearing a removable brace now, and frankly a cast, while a pain in the butt, will feel better because of all the support it will provide. IF they can do this, I plan to ask for a red and white striped cast - a candy cane cast - for the holidays. If they can't, it will be red for Alabama of course!

And so we've just had the most amazing time together. *sigh* It was extremely intense and powerful and fulfilling. I'm floating in that place of unfocused submission which has left me without words and without thoughts to type. Padrone, your control is amazing, and as necessary in my life as breathing. Grazie, mio Padrone. Thank you for controlling me, for making and keeping me yours.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

An Outpouring of Love for my Padrone

I miss the time I used to have. There, I admit it.

I work, drive to and from work, do a few chores to ensure I have clothes to wear and the toilet is clean, and sleep. Until the weekend, when I do a few more chores, shop for groceries, watch football, do more laundry and get things ready for the next week. I knew I would be busy, but I guess I didn't realize just *how* little time I would have while working.

I do love having my weekends off though, the consistency of knowing just when I will be free is a huge relief. I'm about to start another class, and I can't drop this one so I have to do whatever it takes to get the work done. I will, I know. I just miss having the time I used to have.

I am thoroughly enjoying my job, though. Hearing the students say that they love my class and want me to move to 7th grade with them next year means more to me than I could ever express. Hearing my MR student who has had the same teacher, in the same surroundings, for the past 5 years tell me that she loves my class, and she loves our room.... it's like a balm to my soul, I admit.

The politics are still awful and stressful and taking their toll on me. Being asked to do things that are illegal and unethical, by my mentor teacher at that, is something I never expected and can only hope that I can continue to react in an appropriate way. I feel as if I have to keep my guard up constantly. I know I do, in many ways, but it is as if I have a target on my back because I am the "new kid" and also because I...well, frankly because I know what I am doing and I am not going to risk my license and my future by doing some of the things they are asking me to do.

I am just really, really grateful that Padrone is a lawyer! But even more than that, I am grateful that Padrone is the loving, caring, patient, supportive man that he is. I guess sometimes I tend to have my head in the clouds or maybe I just ... don't always understand the effects of so many changes and so I pile things onto my plate without realizing just how hard it might be. Well, I have handled a lot of things since Padrone and I have been together, so maybe it seems as if I haven't really recognized my limitations or something, I don't know. Does that make sense? It isn't as if I think I am superwoman or something, please don't misunderstand. It's just that I can see that I have in the past worked full time and taken 3 graduate summer classes, so I never imagined that taking one class while teaching would be an issue. But Padrone realized far more than I did that I wasn't just going to work full time again, I was starting a new career entirely. It is stressful. It has taken quite a bit of adjustment. And it has really, really been time and energy consuming that's for sure!

But Padrone keeps steady. He hasn't used me in a while, that's true, and I miss that. Not as much the sexual aspects of it as the overt, focused, undeniable expression of submission and devotion....and the gratitude that follows so immediately .... that I miss. It isn't as if our relationship is any less strong by any means. If anything it is stronger, from my perspective at least. It seems as if my emotions run deeper and deeper with every passing day. I never understand just how that can happen, but this man...

Padrone thinks that I make him look like some sort of....saint or something, in my blog. I don't talk about how badly he beats me at backgammon even though I am still learning and don't know all the strategies. I don't talk about when he asks me why I am a couple of minutes late getting online, but often makes me wait 10 minutes or longer before he comes online. There are times when I get irritable (usually hormone-related, even though I hate using that "excuse", it happens). There are times when he is grumpy - although not often for sure. But the consistency of his behaviors, the expressions of his emotions, that consistency has influenced me in a very positive way and it is as if the newfound calmness of mind has allowed my emotions to deepen or strengthen.

I don't have to be concerned with whether or not Padrone is going to be upset about this or that. I honestly believe that I have a pretty good understanding of this man, on the level that is vital for our relationship as the dynamic stands. I believe that it would take some pretty major disrespect or deliberate disobedience on my part for him to get extremely upset with me. He may get irritable, as he did when I would forget to text him as soon as I got to the school every morning, but really upset is extremely rare. I would remember to text when I left, but when I would get to the school itself, I would have people who would walk to my car when I got there, talking with me about school or whatever, and I would forget to text even when I got to the room because by then my day had started....or I would text then but it wasn't what he wanted. So we have kind of, in a way, compromised in an informal way. I try to text before I go in, but I will at least text when I have gotten to my room. (also, one reason I would forget before is because I would be getting to the school just in time to clock in...well, I usually clock in 5 minutes before it's required, but now I have started leaving a few minutes earlier so I have time to get the settling in done). Anyway, after he threatened to call the school a couple of times, we had a talk and....I've done better (for the most part, with a couple of very noticeable slip-ups) and so has he. He simply texts to ask if I arrived safely, and he now gives me time to respond between classes or whenever I can instead of threatening to call the school. So see...things do have a way of working themselves out, simply because we are who we are and we know that working them out is what we do.

I love him more as time passes. I honestly never believed that was possible before Padrone. Was there life before Padrone? I feel as if I spent my entire life waiting for him, going through the motions of life with the joy in my life coming solely from motherhood.

Gratitude overwhelms me. It simply and totally overwhelms me. I adore you, my love. You are so important to me, and I cannot imagine life without you in it. I am yours in ways that are absolutely inexpressible and irrevocable. Forever, absolutely, yours.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

I'm Still Here, Promise!

Finally a moment to breathe. It has been a hectic, hectic couple of weeks around here! Work got incredibly busy and stressful, and I guess that the nature of the beast is that there are few people that I can trust, even to actually give me correct and complete information on how to do what I am supposed to do. Everyone has their own agenda. Maybe being self absorbed is a good thing in this kind of environment, because frankly, it is all I can do to take care of my *own* issues. I can't imagine how much time and energy it takes to plot and plan and scheme the way some of these folks I work with do. And the way they try so hard to keep "stuff" stirred between folks is just truly amazing to me. I mean really. We're all adults. Let's just go to work, do our jobs, and go back home. Who cares if I didn't smile at you this morning? Why does that mean that I am "upset with you because of "??? *deep breath* I have no idea why all of this comes as a surprise to me. I guess I kind of assumed that we would all be too busy to worry about what "he said/she said", but apparently we aren't. It's alright, I'm just venting here because it's safe to do so without being "tattled on" - lol. But work has been stressful with being left to learn things on my own, given little or no direction and often that is incorrect information. It is getting better, overall, and a lot of it is because I am just doing things and if they're wrong, I am just going to say "nobody bothered to show me how to do it right, just told me to do it", which is nothing but the truth. So I have typically been typing here on the weekends since I have started teaching. The past two weekends have been even busier than the weeks, believe it or not! A wedding, a flying trip to my parents' house 2.5 hours away, and a 3 day festival where my daughter had a booth for her photography all ate my time and kept me from spending much time with Padrone even, much less with any time or energy to type here. But it is good, life is fun right now even with the school issues. I am thoroughly enjoying being a teacher. It's not as different as I expected, I think I just didn't expect to be ... included, or something. I thought my newness and the fact that I live an hour away would help to insulate me from some of the "stuff". And it has, believe it or not! But yesterday.... Yesterday I ended up having to drive to a town that is 50 miles north of where I live for what ended up being a useless errand. There is an adult store there. Padrone had me to shopping at the store, looking for a pyrex butt plug. I also asked if I could get some new nipple clamps, and he said yes as long as they aren't too expensive. So I went. I am always horny when I go into those stores. I don't know if it is because I am horny before I ever get there, and everything just magnifies what is already there, or what. But I feel incredibly sexual when I visit a shop like that. So I took my time looking around, pondering, imagining Padrone using the toys, imagining the sensations that one might experience. The only pyrex toys they had were quite slim, and not at all cone shaped, so they weren't what he wanted me to get. I did find some adjustable nipple clamps with a chain and a removable weight, which are different from what I own already. I also found some nipple stimulation gel - I know, hyped stuff usually doesn't work well, but this works very well to harden my nipples and it kept them hard for a while. I think because I nursed my kids forever I lost some sensitivity in my nipples, and maybe that is why I enjoy them played with roughly and painfully, who knows? Anyway, when I went to check out, the man was very suggestive. He outright asked if I needed help testing my products. I laughed and said, "Not today, thanks, but if I ever do I'll let you know!" I was the only customer in the store at that time, and he was the owner, so I know he would have "helped" if I had wanted him to - lol. I had been wearing my butterfly the entire time I was gone from home, even on the useless errand, and when I texted to tell Padrone that I was finished in the store, he called. I have a major love/hate relationship with that butterfly because I am apparently physically incapable of cumming from nothing but clitoral stimulation. That butterfly feels sooooooooo good, it is so incredibly arousing, until it brings me *to* the edge and I cannot go over it! Padrone thoroughly enjoyed my desperate, frantic begging, even for a touch to my nipple, to send me over the edge! He granted it a couple of times, and today my clit is tender as I know he enjoys. Last night was an EXCELLENT football game, for my team at least, and today has been laundry and chores, and otherwise being a bit lazy and relaxed. It has been wonderful. I'm alone right now, and hopeful that Padrone and I can have some time together while I am alone. I miss the amount of time we used to have, and the intimacy that I tried hard not to take for granted but which I miss most of all. :) I love you, Padrone. I am glad things seem to be settling down just a bit and the next little while seems less hectic than the past few weeks. Next weekend is a long weekend, as we discussed, and next month I have a full week off for Thanksgiving! I am so yours, my Padrone, even when I cannot overtly show it as much as I used to. Thank you for being so proud of me, for guiding me, and for welcoming the changes even when they are difficult because of how much difference all of this makes in my life, for me, and for us. You are an incredible, loving man, and I am unbelievably blessed to be your woman. Grazie, mio meraviglioso Padrone. *bacio*

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Nothing Much

Not a lot to talk about this week, I think. The state board of education representatives were in our school a couple of days this week, and apparently found some compliance issues in the Special Ed department, but I guess it was nothing *too* major. Son has 3 kidney stones, and the pain hit him Friday night while he was at work, so I spent the majority of that night with him at the Emergency Room of the hospital. He is still hurting pretty badly, and I hate that. I am going to call and see if I can get his excuse extended through tonight's shift. Poor son.

Of course, as expected, Padrone has been absolutely wonderful through it all. We both look forward to the weekends so much because we have more time to spend with each other, and when I had things to do last night and I was so totally exhausted from doing things all day yesterday, he told me to rest and not to get online. I am grateful, but I hate the necessity of it. Not that I want to be superwoman or anything. I just miss spending time with Padrone.

There is not much else to say. Things seem to be settling down at school, although I am still not relaxing my guard any. It's funny but the very fact that I seem to know what I am doing is rubbing folks the wrong way (obviously it is folks who don't have a clue, and it isn't just me that says that). I think it is more likely that I am not going to do things the *wrong* way. I was told recently to "watch my back". I assume it is because I refused to do something that not only could have cost me my license, but was in fact illegal. Of course, the superintendent knows about the request for me to do it, the terminology used, and the fact that I refused, so even if there are ... repercussions ... I do have the support of the administration. Frankly, though, I expect it to be far too subtle and covert and all I will be able to do is to grin and bear it, and come home to vent to the wonderful man who allows me to vent as much as I need.

The best thing about that situation, however, is that I have some "behind the scenes" support from folks who have offered to help me and teach me how to do things that I am simply told to do without being told *how* to do them. I am grateful for them, believe me!

And so now I am going to work on my schoolwork, laundry and wardrobe planning, keeping an eye on son, and if I finish my schoolwork in time I am going to go shoe shopping for some nice looking, supportive shoes! Maybe my post next week won't be quite so boring - lol.

I love you, Padrone. I appreciate you more than I can say. I haven't typed my gratefulness lately, but your care for me is one of the most important things in my life, and something that has made all the difference in the world to me. I thank you for caring for me so deeply, my Padrone. I am yours.

Monday, September 05, 2011


Long weekends are wonderful, even if they are filled with wind, rain, and tornadoes from a tropical storm!

School is going well...I mean "work" school. There are conflicts of course, but I do love teaching! I will be glad when I feel more settled, though, and I hope it will happen soon. I hope they're finished changing the schedules for both teachers and students. Poor kids - it is extremely difficult for them when they have no idea where they are supposed to go when. Consistency is key to reaching students with special needs, and when schedules change as often as they have this school year, these students become worried, confused, and upset. It bothers me because it doesn't have to be that way, and because the "powers that be" seem to not even understand that basic aspect of teaching Special Ed. Oh well, I am praying and doing my best, and holding onto my kids even if they have to walk all over campus with me because things are totally "haywire"!

Grad school is also going well. I have a pretty time-intensive assignment due on Sunday, more journal articles and summarizations thereof, but it won't be difficult to do. It may end up being Saturday before I can actually work on it, but maybe I'll have a chance to at least bookmark a few articles before then. We'll see. This class only lasts through mid-October, then my other half-semester class begins. Then I will only lack 5 courses having my Masters! I hope at the end of next summer I will be able to graduate! What a riot that will be, an old lady like me graduating again - lol. But I will enjoy every minute of it, especially if I can keep my 4.0 gpa and graduate with highest honors. Yes, I will be bursting with pride if I can do that!

And this is not what I had hoped to type about today. I plan to talk about gratitude and how vital I believe it is to the success of any relationship, specifically D/s relationships. I hope to present the idea that gratitude, like every other aspect of a relationship, must be balanced in emotion even if not in expression.

I truly believe that many of us struggle with submission because we struggle with gratitude. I am not totally sure why that is, but we tend to think of reasons to feel ungrateful rather than to be grateful. You know....maybe it *is* easier for me since I am not with Padrone daily. Maybe the gratitude I feel for what we have is due to the fact that I don't live with him. Maybe everything we have is totally false because I don't see him face-to-face. Maybe the past 6 years have been nothing more than wishful thinking.

But maybe not.

Maybe I do understand a bit about D/s relationships. Maybe I do understand the importance of gratitude, and expressing gratitude, as much as expressing love or ownership or whatever else one may wish to express. Maybe it really does make a difference .... to feel grateful for little things, big things, and life-changing things. Maybe that gratitude is a way of maintaining a measure of humility that is necessary when serving another - not humiliation, but humility. Maybe that gratitude and humility will go much farther in creating and feeding a desire for our Dominants to meet our needs, than being dissatisfied or irritable or expressing our needs/wants/displeasure with how things are going ever could.

Gratitude, to me, is simply a way to show heartfelt appreciation for who we are in a relationship with. But I am so grateful for so many other things, outside our relationship, and I am learning the value of a grateful heart and the affect that attitude has on the quality of my life.

Gratitude cannot prevent bad things from happening, but it can help us get through some of the worst things without going insane. For instance, when my daughter had her accident, it would have been so easy...*so* easy....to break down and collapse from the weight of the severity of her injury, the "what ifs", the responsibility of caring for her physical and emotional needs. And yes, I did struggle with it when I became so exhausted that I didn't even know what day it was or who I was speaking with on the phone. But for the most part, I chose to focus on the facts that she *is* alive, she *is* mobile, she *is* healing. I looked at the accident site and saw how close she came to hitting a power pole, and how that 4 inches might have changed my world entirely. I looked at the truck and shivered when I realized that her car would never have protected her that way. I saw the straightness of the road she ran off of, and how well maintained the land was, and closed my mind to the trees in the curve a tenth of a mile down the road. Every text asking for me was music to my ears, even though I was exhausted. I was grateful, AM grateful, to have my daughter alive, healing, and happy.

All of the negatives are still there. She *did* have a wreck. She *did* ruin her brother's truck. We *don't* have insurance. There *are* bad things happening as a result of her accident. But I truly believe that being grateful for the positive aspects has helped me to simply let the negatives be what they are, and not turn them into major issues. I deal with them when I need to, but they don't rule my life as they once would have.

Maybe that is why I feel as if this particular attitude is so vital to a healthy relationship. It has literally changed my life, my outlook, and my relationship. I never really have been able to explain this until tonight, but there was one moment, years ago, that I remember quite clearly. Padrone had another slave as well as me, and I had been having major problems with that, even though I knew it when he collared me. But one night, on the phone, I suddenly just....had an epiphany. I realize NOW that it was the beginning of my attitude of gratefulness that has grown and blossomed since that moment. All I knew then was that I had made a conscious choice to focus on him and on us and that the other woman was only an issue for me or for us if I let her be. And I didn't let her be anymore, until the very end of their relationship (long story and not mine to tell, so no details).

The point is that submission is not always easy. But it becomes so much easier when one approaches life and relationships with an attitude of thankfulness for what one has, rather than with eyes focused on what one wants.

Padrone, I had told you that I would like to focus on one thing daily that I am grateful for, and I am going to begin today by saying that I am grateful for peace of mind. I don't know where it is coming from, except from my faith and my belief in myself and in US, but I know that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, and learning through it all. There is so much more I could type here, but I will save it for another day. Thank you for believing in me, Padrone. I am yours, gratefully and wonderfully yours.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Just Plain Happy

I am just plain happy.

I don't get paid until Wednesday, and I'm short of enough funds to last until then, especially with a doctor's appointment for daughter tomorrow. But I'm happy.

I have one working vehicle, and am borrowing and kids are hitching rides to work until I can get another one. But I'm happy.

I don't have nearly enough time for my Padrone, and at times I forget to tell him important things, although I do try hard to remember either when we are talking, or when I type my email to him, or if it is quick then I can text. But I'm happy.

It's obvious whenever he and I talk; he has commented on it more than once that I seem happy. And I am.

I am teaching, finally, although it is still sinking in. Scheduling and even student assignments have been totally erratic. In the first 3 weeks of school, I have had my schedule changed....5 times maybe? And it is still not written in stone! I will be very glad when things settle there. It is really a good feeling, though, to finally be working as a teacher!

And I'm in school as well, taking two more classes towards my Masters, plus an internship towards my final certification. The two classes for my Masters are taken one at a time, though, so it is a little easier. The one this half-semester won't meet online weekly, either, so it is almost like independent study with weekly deadlines, which is kind of the best of both worlds in a way.

And the best part is that finally I have settled enough that Padrone is starting to use me again, to tease me, to have me do things while online, he found a new channel for us that allows scening, something we have missed for quite some time. (the public aspect of scening, the scening hasn't been *that* long since we've done privately!) I'm out of practice for public scening, so I expect to feel quite exposed, vulnerable, and inhibited the first few times we do it, especially if others choose to critique my "technique" as they did a submissive who was scening there last night - lol. I'm afraid I might not be able to focus on the scene if that happens to me, and if someone intrudes in that way....well, I just hope it doesn't happen!

I am so very happy.

Padrone, you are amazing, and I am so very blessed to belong to you. You make me happy. Amazingly, incredibly, beautifully happy. Thank you for being you, for loving me, for taking care of me. I love you, Padrone.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Odds and Ends, and a bit of adoration for my Padrone in the mix

So. Well, timing stinks, but unexpected things happen sometimes. I have a car that I knew was on its last legs, but I was hoping and praying that it would last until I got my first paycheck, and my financial aid refund Sept. 8. But of course it didn't happen - the engine totally conked out on me early Friday morning. I've already missed a day's work. And I have to get to work and my kids have to get to their college 45 minutes away 3 days per week, and we're down to one vehicle that can make that kind of trip. Life is....interesting, to say the least. Padrone used me last night in a strong, powerful way. It was so intense, and so much needed! I've worn the rope he has me wear now and then all day today, so my belly is a bit tender and red beneath the rope, but it is so good to feel it. My holes are still sore from last night's use, too. And used me again tonight until I came and came and came, and ended up in a mushy, teary, grateful state that is so easy for him to bring me to. Sigh. I love that man. You know...it is sometimes hard to put into words things I have been thinking and feeling. Since school started (work-school, not grad school...that starts this week but my first class won't be until next week), I have had so little time to do anything other than work, see Padrone in the evenings, bath, get ready for the next day (wardrobe, lunch, whatever I may need ... taking things a little at a time means that there is almost always something to carry into the school!). The D/s is still present, of course, and it is exciting to be starting a new career and all. I just miss him. The adjustment is taking its own sweet time in settling into routine....well, it only seems that way I know. We have grown so much. I love where we are now, the place where we can enjoy each other's presence, AND each other's busy-ness if that makes sense. We are so much a part of each others' life...it is so wonderful that we are family, even as far apart as we are! I realize this is a short post, and probably not as deep or as wordy as my posts usually are, but I am still kind of floaty from tonight's use, and ... I feel the need to close the door for a while, and keep the intimacy within me instead of sharing even my thoughts with others tonight. Maybe next post will be a more personal, intimate peek into me, him, and/or us. But for now....buona notte, everyone. Padrone, thank you for holding me so tightly, and for loving me so powerfully. I adore you, Padrone, and I am totally, irrevocably, yours.

Sunday, August 14, 2011


<br>One week of teaching fully completed....or should I say one week of absolute chaos? I've already been accused of "coming across as a know-it-all", which simply means that I know my job and actually do it. I also understand what is required of me to get my 5 year license, and I kind of do what I am supposed to do to and if others don't want to help, then I figure out how to get it done. That has apparently bothered some folks - lol.

I don't have much time to live, especially with the after school discussions and "how are things going" conversations, and such. But Padrone and I have been able to talk every evening, thankfully. It has been a transition, and it will continue to be for a  while yet, but now I finally believe that it will gradually work out.

And tomorrow (in US time) is Padrone's birthday! I have nothing for him this year, about which I am a bit embarrassed and guilty. But he knows I love him, and I wish that his day is as wonderful as he is!

He was sick this week, as well, including a trip to the emergency room. He is fine, but I freaked out when I heard. Of course. I don't know how much Padrone realizes about how freaked out I was, but he is so rarely sick, much less *that* sick, that I kind of take it for granted. Bad, bad, bad. I do have to fight the urge to nag, though, which I do successfully I think. For the most part anyway - lol.

So that's pretty much all that is going on around here. I'm too busy to do much other than work, talk with Padrone, and sleep during the week. On the weekends I do chores, laundry, and grocery shop. It will take time for things to settle in, even in the home life, but I treasure the weekends because I get to see Padrone twice per day again.

I love that. I value it. Even when I'm irritable and grumpy and I tell Padrone and he offers to let me go to bed instead of talking with him! (I usually *don't* take my grumpy moods out on him, but I do try to let him know when I am feeling that way anyway).

And other than keeping an eye on the tropics, and waiting for the daughter's next doctor's appointment, things are going well. I am really enjoying teaching, and I have already had one of those "ah-ha" moments when a student "got it". Of course, the student may not remember it tomorrow, but it's all good. It was very rewarding, at least!

Padrone, I hope your birthday is very special, and you enjoy dinner with your family. I know you will, of course, but I hope it is even more special than you expect.

I love you, my Master. I am yours.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Just a few thoughts

So I went back a few posts and read what I had typed, and I realized just how choppy and how incomplete it was. I'm going to rehash some things this post, but hopefully create order out of chaos - lol.

My daughter had an accident several weeks ago, and ended up breaking her back in two places. Two compression fractures, in vertebrae L1 and L2 for those who may know what that means, which translates into lots of pain for her and a slow recovery, but no surgery (thank God). She spent a few nights in the hospital, then several weeks at home, and is now able to have a bit more independence.  She is able to start college later this month as she had planned, so she is indeed a happy girl.

I got a job teaching an hour or so away from home. I've worked 4 days so far, and tomorrow the students' school year begins. I'm really excited about it, as one might expect - lol. I have to wake up before the chickens though, so I have planned my week's wardrobe already and have them sorted by outfit...except shoes. I'll have to do that in a little while. I'll also pack a lunch for tomorrow too.

And in my classes, which I did finish even though daughter's situation was quite demanding, I missed 3 points out of 1190 in one class, and made a perfect score in the other class! It wouldn't have been possible without the flexibility of the professors in lifting any consequences for me turning work in late, though. But they were more than understanding, and I am extremely grateful to have had these two particular teachers!

The drive, and the timing of my leaving for work, has meant that I can't talk with Padrone in the mornings anymore. I miss that, I miss him. But it has worked out that I can see him in the evenings, or talk with him, and I love that. It's hard though. This weekend has been nice, knowing that I can see him or talk with him more than during the week. And of course, since I live in a very rural area, there are several private spots with a cell signal on the way home, so that when the weather cools off a bit (it's over 100 degrees where I live, most days lately), it is my hope that I can be used some. I may have to get a bit inventive in terms of toys, because the *last* think I would wish to happen is to have sex toys found in my purse or another bag! I can't leave them in the car because of the heat, of course, and since I am a teacher it is a bit more important than if i were a mid-level manager in some generic office somewhere. But it won't look strange if I take a cucumber for lunch and "forget" to use it in my salad, or something like that. And of course, there are always things that can be covered with condoms and used, such as flashlights or hair brush handles or whatever. And they make these cute little vibes that look like lipsticks too, so I may try to find something like that. The point is that whatever Padrone uses to fill his slut's holes doesn't necessarily have to look like a cock, or an obvious sex toy either!

As long as it can be covered with tiger balm, and as long as I keep a towel handy in my car, we're good to go! (or cum, as the case may be).

Yes, I am horny, in case you couldn't tell.

And since I have totally forgotten what was so strongly on my mind last night that I had planned to type about here, I am going to end this post and go rope myself with a very tight crotch rope per Padrone's instructions, and struggle for the allotted time not to cum. Wish me luck. It won't be easy today, I'm afraid!

Padrone, I adore you. I yearn for you, and I long for your use. I will be so glad when the changes have become a new routine, and there is less uncertainty in our lives in terms of when and for how long we can spend time together. Thank you for being so proud of me, and for wanting me to follow my dreams, even though it has meant so much more .... interesting .... in our lives. Thank you for being the consistency in my often-chaotic world. Thank you for being the strong, solid rock that I can depend upon always being there, and always holding me up even when I am ready to sink. You, my love, are my world. Thank you, Padrone.

Monday, August 01, 2011


Tomorrow I start my new job. I am thrilled and excited and ready - I have been waiting for this day for years, literally. I will finally be teaching, Special Education, in a small school district, inclusion-only, with a total of 10 students, of which the vast majority are mildly learning disabled with few behavior problems. I will miss not having a classroom of students, in some ways, but this way I will be able to focus on a few students as well as on building positive working relationships with my coworkers. I really am excited about it.

So lots of changes are coming in the next few weeks. And since my daughter's accident and the severity of her injury, along with the even more intense compression of already compressed summer classes, I haven't had a lot of time or privacy to be available for Padrone's use.

Until today.


Today, my daughter drove to town for the very first time alone, since the accident. Today, my son went to work around the same time. So today, I had a wonderful, and wonderfully unexpected, bit of privacy today.

And Padrone used his slave. He took pain, pleasure, suffering. He was begged, his control strengthened, the power surged almost electrically between us. I begged for pain, for pleasure, for release, for HIS release. I burned and buzzed and humped and was filled to overflowing while even my clit was burned with tiger balm.

And now, I am almost in tears as the submission that is always there but not often expressed to such a deep degree fills my heart until there is nowhere for the emotions to go other than to be conveyed through words, tears, thoughts - mushiness.

I needed today, because of yesterday and because of tomorrow. To be so firmly reaffirmed was absolutely perfect. I feel fresh, renewed, revived.

Padrone, can the words "thank you" ever express enough of the gratitude I feel?  Can you feel my heart, my Padrone? Can you tell just how grateful I am for the connection before yet another change in our circumstances which will likely affect our connection even temporarily? Can I ever let you know how glad I am that things worked out today, with your schedule and my unexpected privacy?

Do you have any idea just how much I love you, and love to express that love in all the ways you enjoy seeing it, Padrone? I am so yours. And I am so grateful that you are mine as well. Thank you, so much, for today... for all our todays, in all the ways we experience them even if not as dramatic or as intense as this today. I love you, my Master. Forever.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A surprising thing happened on the way to....punishment?

I know it has been a while since I have typed here, and that is mainly because I have discovered a few things about myself that have taken a little bit of time to process.

First, though, I am going to update on my "life". As I think I mentioned earlier, I did finally get a job teaching Special Ed in a small school district around 50 minutes' drive from here. I start next week with professional development days ("teacher days" we used to call them), and the students' first day of school is two weeks from yesterday. I'm excited, eager, and extremely nervous. I've never done this before, and since I don't yet know even what I will be teaching, it's kind of hard to prepare for it. I don't know what curriculum they use, what types of supplies or extras are provided, or anything. So I am going to the school today to take paperwork, and to check things out more as well.

My daughter is doing well, but is not well yet of course. Her back is hurting, but I don't know if it is the fractured vertebrae still giving her pain or if it is muscular. I wonder if there is still supposed to be spasms, 5 weeks post-accident. But I also understand that her lack of activity will contribute to pain when she does things. She goes back to the doctor on Thursday. So this week is filled with uncertainty, both good and bad.

And on the relationship front, something interesting happened this week, something that I never expected but which I feel very good about happening. And I think Padrone does too.

Regular readers of this blog will know that recently Padrone eliminated the punishment element of our relationship. It has been good in terms of my stress level, but something was missing. When my daughter's accident and injury was so new, everything was pretty much lifted - I was just expected (and it wasn't even a formal expectation but Padrone was worried and I knew he would like updates) to keep him posted as best I could. I missed texts of course, and emails while she was in the hospital. I honestly don't know how many other emails I missed, but I know that I missed a lot of texts. Frankly, I was too busy and exhausted and worried and focused on medication schedule and monitoring pain levels and how she moved and figuring out what food she could eat while flat on her back and....well, you get the idea. I hated it, I knew that all I needed to do was to let him know I needed him and he would be there for me, but I also knew that all I would do is cry and whine and complain if i did. I was totally overwhelmed, and it was (of course) a totally unexpected thing.

Thinking of texting every hour was simply impossible. As you might imagine, however, Padrone knew that even better than I did. So, even if punishment had still been a part of our dynamic, this is one example of when there would have been no punishment for my lack of obedience, because of the extreme nature of the circumstances.

But as with all things which we are unaccountable for, it was more difficult for me to get back into the routine once things began to settle down. Things were still kind of "topsy-turvy" when Padrone mentioned to me that I should resume my hourly texting, but I felt so bad for having unintentionally kept him more uninformed than he deserved, and for withdrawing into my world where I live, that it was something I was glad that he reined me in regarding. I would have done it even if I hadn't been glad, of course, but it was good, to me, that I did feel relief to be held accountable again. I needed, so much, that control that even the simple act of texting because he wants me to text gives me.

And so, that is where we stood when I missed an email. Since there is no punishment now, there was a void. I did  feel badly about it, as usual, but something surprising happened....

I offered to do the things that he had once set in place for punishment.

In all honesty, it surprised me as much as I think it did Padrone!

But it felt good. Not because I was punished, but because there were consequences for my inaction, and yet they were freely offered. I think Padrone truly enjoyed that, knowing that I understood my place as his slave was to meet his expectations, and accepting consequences for not doing so....but he also very much enjoys when acts of submission are offered. And it feels so good to offer, too, rather than having everything imposed. I am not one of those women who feel submissive only when forced to obey.

I love to submit. I love to obey. I love pleasing Padrone. And a big part of that is when I screw up, even in small ways, to offer consequences for screwing up. You know, as I told him, I can't promise to write 50 lines for every missed text, especially after I start working and there is not only an 8 hour day, but an hour's drive each way, to add to my day. But maybe I can think of something to offer him, that will be meaningful but not so time consuming. Missing a text is a small infraction, and the consequences should not eat 40 minutes of my day, or I don't think so anyway. And unless Padrone insists on that particular consequence be what I offer, which somehow I don't think he will, then I will try to think of something that will be effective, will show Padrone my remorse, will be unpleasant enough to be corrective in nature, and won't take a huge chunk out of my time.

I was really, really surprised at the feelings of relief and submission I felt from offering consequences freely as I did the other day. I think, and I hope deeply, that Padrone was pleased about the offering. I think he appreciates the fact that I want to show my remorse for screwing up. And you know, I think that was part of the problem for me when punishment was automatically imposed for screwups like missing an email. Yes, it may have been what Padrone considered simple consequences rather than true punishment, but the very fact that it was imposed upon me meant that I had no way to express the remorse I felt for screwing up. Yes, a small infraction, and no, I don't suffer from the major perfectionist tendencies I used to (I am accepting the human-ness of my slavery much better now). But even though I understand that I won't always do what I'm supposed to do, because I am human and will screw up, I do feel sorry when I do. And now, even though I am doing the same things as consequences for the same infraction, the emotions involved are totally different....it is now an expression of apology, remorse, and submission rather than a rote fulfilling of duty.

That is one reason it seemed as if I was taking everything far more seriously than I should - I would still apologize, often many times, for missing an email. Padrone didn't understand it, and I didn't either frankly, but now I see that a lot of the reason was because saying I am sorry was that expression of remorse that *I* as a slave need when I mess up. So I was doing that *and* punishment, and even though I couldn't express these thoughts, it often felt like overkill.

But now....

Now I can offer. Now it is a freely offered expression of remorse, rather than an unemotional, required, reaction to my screwups. Now it is a result of my heart opening and searching for a way to express itself. Now, it is a way for me to show my submission in the way that Padrone loves - offered freely, just as the "good" things are. And it was so fulfilling, so freeing, and very, very surprising to me that it was those things.

Padrone, I hope you were as pleased as I thought you were about my offering. I hope my words here made sense to you, and I hope you understand a bit more about what I am just now learning about myself as well. I love you, Padrone, and I am a very, wonderfully, blessed woman to be the one you love. Thank you for being who you are, my Love. Thank you for all you do to show your love and happiness in our relationship. Just thank you, Padrone. I am yours.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A New Day, A New Life

First, thank you Padrone for the suggestion for what to write about today! I have wanted to type here for a few days but really didn't know what to write. So many things happening, but not as much on the D/s and relationship front...on the surface at least...and so I realize that what I type here only has interest for myself and Padrone in the long run. And that's perfectly alright with me.

But a lot of what I type here, Padrone and I have already discussed, and this place is more for clarifying my own thoughts, or adding details that I forget when we're talking, or things like that. I process my thoughts through typing them here, at times, and that is what I think will happen today.

See, my new job will entail many changes in my life, and in Padrone's of course. I will have to wake up and leave home at an ungodly hour in the morning, drive an hour or so to my job, and drive home the same distance. I will have a lot of time alone, which is not a bad thing at all. Being on the road for that long will be a challenge some days, and I know Padrone will worry a bit about me driving that far. The drive is the worst part of this entire job, but if I didn't think I could do it, I never would have applied for the position. After this year, my situation will be a little different in a couple of ways, and I can do anything for a year!

But it means that our routine will have to change, as will my framework. We've already talked about the fact that 5:30 am is awfully early to wake up and shove a fake cock up one's ass, so that is one bit of the framework that will shift. I am sure I will still have something to do in the mornings, even if it is to wear something while I drive. But of course what it actually is will be up to Padrone.

And you know what? I am so grateful that Padrone is the type of person he is. He takes into consideration not only his own needs and desires, but mine as well, and my circumstances and situation and job and life and personality. He knows me so well, and challenges me at times, but frankly we have moved beyond the need for me to prove my submission to him.....but that doesn't mean that things will always be easy. It simply means that Padrone chooses how he wishes for me to show my submission. That doesn't mean that he doubts it or that i must prove anything, only that the D/s is a major part of our relationship.

I guess it is the fact that I do trust him so much that enables me to....well, I don't worry about what he has in mind. Maybe I should, I don't know - lol - but not really. I know that even when he challenges me it is only out of the need for control, or that he knows i need to show my submission, in a strong and powerful way. He has no more need to prove that he can/does control me, than I do to prove my submission. We've been through too much, been together too long, for doubts of those things to be a part of our lives any longer.

And so, in 3.5 short weeks, I will be driving to my new job, in a different town. Starting a new life professionally, personally, and together with Padrone. I will finally be making a better living, financially things will begin to ease, and I will be doing what I have dreamed of doing almost my entire life. I am in a beautiful, almost fairy tale relationship with a wonderful, loving, considerate, passionate, caring man. And the frame within which I live my life will be shifting but not crumbling.

Now, if only I can find a decent car....*laughing but still serious*

Padrone, I have a ton of things to think about in terms of this new job. What is the dress code? When I get paid at the end of August will it be for a full month? I have paperwork issues with license to deal with. I have to think about packing lunch (I refuse to eat school lunches daily...they are just plain gross, even after all these years!). I have to get clothes cleaned, ironed, sorted into outfits so I won't have to think about all of those things while I am acclimating to a new job. I am sure some shopping will be involved, even if for nothing other than shoes. (I doubt sneakers will be appropriate - lol) And I have to finish all of my work for my classes this summer and get registered for classes in the fall.

But through it all, I hope that I never fail in my effort to let you know how much you mean to me. You are the reason I have this job, Padrone. You encouraged me to begin this trek, to take that first test that built my confidence when I passed the first time. You made rules forcing me to study daily, and rewarded me for doing so. You believed in me, quietly, unwaveringly. You supported me, encouraged me, and gave me very real help in my schoolwork. Your pride in me now humbles me, my Love, even as it motivates me to be the best teacher I can be, to do the best job I can do, and most importantly, to strive to make a difference in the life of a child who has special needs. If I can help them learn to believe in themselves even half as much as you have helped me to believe in myself, then I will be proud.

I have said this before, Padrone, and I will say it forever. I could never have done this without you. You have given me a blueprint for helping my students, far more than any class or book ever could have. Care for them...love them....accept them where they are....believe in them....expect them to do their best....motivate them to strive for their goals....and show them how proud of them I am when they accomplish something difficult.

Because of you, Padrone, I will be a wonderful, wonderful teacher. I love you, my darling Padrone. You truly are my Hero.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Great News!

I finally got a job! I am, pending approval of the local school board (which will happen on Monday night, and is a formality, but a necessary one), I am now a Special Education teacher in a school district almost an hour's drive from here. I am almost wiggling with excitement!

Daughter is improving, although I am concerned with sharp pains in her legs and am calling the doctor today about it. I realize that pain can be a good sign, especially with a back injury, but these are new pains and that, in my book, is something to check with the doctor regarding. So, while I am not obsessing about it, I'm aware, concerned, and calling to alleviate my concerns.

I am way behind on my schoolwork too. Anybody want to do a Literature Review for me? *teasing, mostly - lol* But my professors are THE most understanding people, other than Padrone, I have ever met in my life. So I have to type a position paper that was due on Wednesday night at midnight and turn it in this weekend, and the rest of the stuff I am almost pretty well caught up on. I was feeling a lot of pressure because my daughter's next appointment was scheduled for July 21, and since we won't know until then whether or not she'll have to have surgery, I was planning on getting all my work done before then. But the appointment was rescheduled for the 28th, so I have that extra week which will be nice.

And Padrone....

What can I say? When I sent the text to him saying daughter had been in an accident and we were heading to a larger hospital than our rural town's...from that moment onwards, he has had nothing but concern and patience for my daughter and myself, respectively. I am really tired from the demands of  her limitations even as she heals (probably more tired now since it is the interruptions of resting/relaxing that are draining now rather than the constancy of her needs), and Padrone is concerned about that as well as about daughter's situation. His famous patience is really much needed in this time, and my gratitude for his understanding is just overwhelming at times.

And what is so wonderful is something that I have been planning on blogging about for a while but got a bit sidetracked...

The D/s aspects of our relationship are far less....formal, maybe? They aren't the most obvious things about our relationship, although they are still there and going strong and extremely fulfilling. (and even Padrone's patience and understanding have been an overt show of his Dominance, because he has show in so many ways how much he loves me and cares about my well being...and he is meeting my needs by being the man he is if that makes sense...) But even though it was D/s that brought us together, and is a major part of our relationship, the more it becomes simply a natural expression of who we are and how we feel about each other, the happier we are individually and as a couple.

And yes, I can say with all confidence, that we are both happy.

Padrone, I have said before, and I will say many times in the future I am sure, that I am incredibly grateful for who you are. I cannot express how much your support has bolstered me during the past few weeks especially, but really even from the time I took a tiny little baby step into this life-altering step of becoming a teacher. I remember clearly the rule for me to spend an hour a day studying for my tests, and permission to use the comfortable chair as a reward for doing so. I remember the tears and the stress and the obsessiveness of last summer when I was totally overwhelmed because I had gotten in over my head but still somehow managed to learn to swim. I have called you so often, high with the thoughts of a positive interview, and bummed out and discouraged from being overlooked for a job yet again. I remember even Wednesday of this week, after the interview, calling and feeling very positive about the job but almost scared to hope. I remember your steady outlook, the positive way you see things, and the way just talking with you helped steady my emotions so I could once again focus on what I needed to do.

I can say with all honesty that I would never have even attempted what I have done if it weren't for you, Padrone. You believe in me, and that has taught me to believe in myself. That, my love, is what has made my life so much better...and it is all due to you. I will never be able to express what it means to me to be the woman you have chosen, the woman you love, the woman you own. I love you with all that I am, and all I will ever be. I am yours.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Quick Personal Update

On Monday, our anniversary, my daughter had a car accident and while the vehicle she was driving sustained little damage, it was airborne and slammed to the ground with enough force to cause compression fractures in two of her vertebrae (Think Dukes of Hazzard). In short, she broke her back (not a bad break, no paralysis involved as long as she is careful as it heals). We are still in the hospital, with some hope of coming home today but personally I think she should stay another night. We'll see what the professionals say though.

She will be wearing a brace for a couple of months, with a checkup after a month to determine if the worst break (in the most important vertebrae, L1) is healing at the right angle or not. If it isn't, then she'll require surgery. I sure hope it does.

No, even though she is a teenager, she wasn't texting and driving. No she wasn't drinking. And yes she was wearing her seat belt. Had any of those been a factor, she may not even be here now.

But she will be alright. Other than the back injury she is fine. She is in a lot of pain, but that will ease eventually as the bones heal. She needs help with everything she does other than changing the tv channel, but even her brother is being helpful and even *thoughtful* towards her - and it was *his* truck that was wrecked!

So I have more on my plate than usual. Padrone knows and understands of course, and is being absolutely wonderful throughout all of this, and it never crossed my mind that he wouldn't be. I'll still be here, since she won't need me all the time, nor will she want me around all the time. I still have school, and since I don't yet have a job, I am able to stay home with hear easily.

Padrone, thank you for understanding and supporting me through this crisis, as I know you will throughout the entire process. I am, believe it or not, all out of mushy words, except to say that, even when I cannot show it, you mean more to me than you will ever know. I am yours.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

For Padrone

There are so many things I could type about tonight. Many of them I likely will, I am sure, even if I plan to keep this short and sweet.

Tomorrow, June 20, is the 6 year anniversary of the day I begged for Padrone's control. No, it isn't the anniversary many celebrate; usually that is of a collaring or a wedding or something like that. But this is the date of the true beginning of our relationship. Since it is almost Padrone's 3 am now, it *is* June 20 where *he* is. I always type on my time, but this time I hope to surprise him when he first gets online Monday.

Padrone, that day our conversation began like any others, I am sure. Maybe we scened, maybe we just chatted, getting to know each other better, I don't remember. I do remember that I felt that tingling sensation that happens when you feel very Dominant, so it did not surprise me when you said that you were having difficulty not extending your control into my "real life". Those words sent a shock of need through me that to this day I cannot describe. I hesitantly, and I hope respectfully, asked for you to not restrain yourself any longer, if that is what you wanted. You pondered....and said that if I truly wanted it...I would ask in the ancient manner...three times, giving myself plenty of time to think about it, to really think about what I was asking for. And I did.

Today, my Padrone, the gratitude for what we have, for who you are, for who I have become, overwhelms me. I find myself yearning for new, more expressive ways to show that gratitude. I have offered all I can, all I am, to this man who is worthy of so much more. To know that I am the one who holds his heart is humbling, yet it fills me with joyful abandon.

None of this is what I meant to say in this post, but it will do.

And the beauty of what we have? We don't simply love each other, we *like* each other too. It isn't that we are best friends, because we don't feel friendship for each other...it is different. I see us growing old laughing at life, holding hands as we walk through the stores, simply enjoying each other's company for the rest of our lives. So yes...maybe we *are* like best friends.

Padrone, 6 years. 6 long, short, wonderful, beautiful, stressful, joyful years I have been yours. We are changing, growing, independently and together, and we keep getting better and better and better....

How sweet it is, Padrone, to be loved by you:

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I Need You

I need you, Padrone.

I need the structure you provide in my life, for my behavior; I need the expectations you have of me not only as your slave but as a mother, as a woman, as your love.

I need your way of looking at things, and your ability to see the trees in spite of the forest.

I need your limiting me to not speak of my school except within the restrictions you set forth.

I need your help as I learn how to shift gears from obsessive student to your slave without driving us both insane.

I need your strength, your steadiness, your steadfastness, your constancy.

I need your patience. Yes, I will say that one again. I need your patience.

Padrone, I need the control only you can exert in my life.

I need the physicality of our relationship.

I need the release of "it all" that only you can grant me.

I need your clarity of vision. I need your ability to relate seemingly unrelated things in a way that not only makes sense but brings surrounding ideas and thoughts into focus as well.

I need your laughter, your happiness, your underlying joy at owning me, at having me in your life.

I need our conversations about your "boring" days.

I need your routine. I need to know that you will be there. I need to count on you.

I need your shoulder. I need your encouragement. I need your belief in me.

Again, I will repeat that.

I need your belief in me.

I can do nothing in my life without you believing in me, Padrone.

And, because you do, I can do anything.

Thank you for needing me to need you. I told you when we met that the depth of my need had scared many men away.

Thank you for needing me just as deeply.

I am yours, now and forevermore.

Simply, irrevocably, yours.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I Don't Write Erotica

Well, every now and then I will write something by request, or extremely rarely I will write something because I want to.

But I just don't write it.

It isn't because I don't feel it or because I don't know what to type about. I don't type about it because of the vulnerability factor, I think...not only because what I type comes from my own fantasies, or putting my "spin" on his fantasies, but also because I don't know how or if I have accomplished the goal of at least mentally arousing the person who reads it.

So I just don't often write.

I can. And I can write well, actually. I know it, but every time someone else reads my words, I feel as nervous as I was the first time it happened.

And so what do I do with all those thoughts, emotions, fantasies, experiences that were living in my mind and were clamoring for expression?

Well, let's just put it this way: I can type a very erotic, stimulating, scene with Padrone.

What we do, now and then, is that I will type a scene based on whatever Padrone wants/needs at the time. For instance, he may want my pain and then to cum in my ass after it had been beaten. He may want a simple blow job. He may want an intimate, emotional experience. Or he may want a whore with plain old sex. I will type it, oftentimes adding to it using my imagination to add the perfect mix of ingredients to entice Padrone to a forceful, satisfying orgasm. I do the typing so he *can* cum, because as we all know, a man can't cum while typing. He's busy enjoying, which is the entire purpose anyway.

I usually do a pretty darn good job, if i do say so myself. It is as if I can sense his need, and it feeds my imagination.

It's hard at times, because I have to type both sides, Dom and submissive. That can be difficult, since I honestly don't really understand the Dominant mindset. I think that, when I get into the focused intensity that I get into when typing these scenes, I merely type what *I* need as a submissive. It's good that he has commented that I capture his feelings, now and then, because that means that our needs mesh on some pretty basic levels. That's always a good thing.

And it's also hard at times because there are times when my own needs kind of feel forgotten. Not that my sexual needs are that strong lately, but the submissive needs, the needs for control and use...those can really impede my ability to take on the dual role necessary in this type of scene.

It's incredibly intense, amazingly focused, and pure, raw emotion.

It drains me.

And so, I don't write erotica. But I do write erotically, when Padrone wants and needs me to. Except tonight. But that's between the two of us, and it's alright.

Padrone, I hope I didn't type too much, too personally, in this blog post. But it hit me the other day that I type in a very sexual way, but I couldn't define it as erotica. I know it makes no difference whatsoever, so what this does is help me to get the thoughts that rattle around in my brain, out of my brain. :)

I am so glad, Padrone, that what we have is so fulfilling in every way. I love serving you, you know that. I love when we scene online. I love when you use me. I love when you make my life "interesting". I love when we talk, when we are able to experience things together and hear the pleasure. I love you, Padrone. I am so yours.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I'm so happy

So i've been thinking. Surprise surprise. :)

It's been a few weeks since Padrone ended the punishment aspect of our relationship (for the most part, of course if i'm deliberately disobedient or rebellious that's a different story entirely, as it should be. I have felt surprisingly little guilt, although i do get hit with it now and then, it's mostly because i wasn't sure where Padrone's thoughts were on it more than anything else. So tonight i asked him - lol. He said "i'm alright" which didn't really give me anything more than that he is alright with it, so while i do feel better that he isn't resentful of what might be seen as a sacrifice at worst, or even a compromise i guess....i think i had hoped to hear that my more relaxed state of mind (which shows, i know because i asked *that* too! :D ) made him glad and that it was worth it to have me so happy and content and at peace. But i didn't hear that, which is cool....and Padrone is alright.

And i'm sure that little niggling thought will niggle its way back into the forefront of my mind at some point in time, but for now it doesn't matter at all. Padrone is alright with it, and i am...happy.

And, an unexpected result is that i am at peace. i have found myself not worrying so much over little things. And i didn't have a clue why until just a few minutes ago.

My personality is as a giver. I offer. I'm thoughtful. I try to anticipate needs and even desires, and work to meet them as best i can. And so now there is a different mindset for me, and it is just a little bit hard to explain.

What is expected of me hasn't changed. What has changed is the shift from....obedience or "else", to a simple "here's what I want you to do". He knows, he TRUSTS, that i will do all i can in order to give him what he wants from me. He finally has come to the place where he can accept that, without having unnatural consequences attached to my mistakes. He realizes that when i don't meet expectations, it is because of a mistake or unforeseen circumstances that prevent me from doing so. He knows that i am not deliberately disobedient, and so he has come to a place of being able to express that trust in my obedience, in my very nature, by dropping the punishment (mostly).

When i can't be online, i try very hard to let him know why. If i'm late, i try to give advance warning. It isn't always possible, like when i had company that just would not leave the other evening. It's rude to text in front of company so i had to use a trip to the kitchen for iced tea as a text-stop. But it was *after* i was supposed to be there already, and i hated that but...it was so nice to know that Padrone knew it was unavoidable.

And you know...it is the formal expression of that trust that has freed me from the worry, i think. i don't obsess about counting minutes or panic if i am late texting because i know that Padrone understands that it will happen now and then, and that i still text as much as i am supposed to (or more sometimes) even though i don't have to write lines anymore if i miss a text. Being released from the constant pressure of "do it or else" (Padrone is NOT a big bad guy, but if i feel as if my behavior is being judged, then imperfections are unacceptable to me, so the "or else" was HUGE in my mind)....that release has released at least a part of that perfectionism, which has shocked the STEW outta me, let me tell you!

It's like....i can express myself in my natural way, by offering what is most pleasing to Padrone....the reason for giving isn't to avoid consequences, it is given because Padrone wants it, plain and simple. The consequences weren't the driving force behind my obedience before, by any means, but the threat was always there. The constancy of that didn't allow me to focus on anything other than the tasks at hand...

And to think that all of this came about because i made a B on an assignment and laughed about it, rather than obsessing over it! That is SO not like me that i had to ponder why!

Now i can focus on the emotions, the submission, the intimacy that Padrone yearns for. I don't even have to focus on them, they are just there. And it is so wonderful.

I feel free, Padrone. Free to express all that I am, and all that you love so much about my submission....I am free to love and to submit and to serve and to please you ... more free than i have ever been before. i am free from the worry over the small things, free from the guilt when i wasn't perfect, free from the guilt i felt for resenting the threat of punishment, and free from at least a bit of the burden of perfectionism that i have carried with me for years.

I am free because you expressed trust in me, Padrone. You freed me with your knowledge that i will do as i am supposed to do simply because you trust who i am.

That, my Love, is an amazing statement, and one that i hope i never give you reason to regret. i love you, Padrone. And the gratitude that i feel for you, the joy, and peace in my heart ... i can never fully express. There are no words...other than thank you. And i am yours.

Friday, May 13, 2011

A Week of Surprises

So, this week has been slam full of surprises, some good, some not so good, but it has definitely not been boring!

I will tell about my surprises in my work/school/home life, then talk about our relationship. They are often intertwined, but not always of course. But this week, the work/school/home life has interfered with our time together, and I *hate* when that happens because I value every moment with Padrone. Oh well, like he says, we have all the time in the world.

So on with the boring part of my blog, the part that many will skip over - lol. Work - I still don't have a job but there are prospects. I have an interview next Wednesday at a small junior high school 35-40 minutes away. The school district is small itself - one "lower" elementary, one "upper" elementary, one junior high school, one high school. The school is small as well, of course. It has a community feel to it, and since it is in the next town north of me, and since I don't know folks from up there, it will take them a while to try to involve me in the politics inherent in any school system. And it will take them a while longer to understand that I don't play those games. XD

But I have interviewed in my local town, and have been told that there is another position in this district as well, so who knows? And a town south of me also has the possibility of a job opening, and the principal of the high school sounded very excited to know that I am ready to be certified in Special Ed! All in all, FAR more encouraging than last year, for sure.

As far as school is concerned, I just finished another semester, and I not only made As in both of my classes, but my English professor asked if she could use one of my papers as a sample for future classes since it was exactly what she was looking for! So I am very proud of my accomplishments academically ... with good reason, as it happens...

Wednesday of this week I found out that, even though I have not yet taught for a year as is a listed requirement, since I have completed the course work for the alternate licensure program, I am eligible to apply for the Masters program in Special Education. And so I began on Wednesday evening, calling and begging folks to write letters of reference for me and submitting them as soon as possible (I hope to enroll in the summer session, so there is a *major* time crunch). All of them said they would, and indeed they did. I received a list of required information yesterday via email, and today I sent everything they needed. The graduate advisor for Special Education was amazed that I got it done so quickly, but it is as I told her - I am extremely motivated here. There is still an issue of time, so I'm praying that everything falls into place and I can be admitted and enroll in classes this summer. If so, then it is my expectation that at the end of August 2012 I will be wearing a cap and gown again, and yes, this old mama WILL walk across the stage just like the younguns do!

So, daughter's car is broken down again. After doing some checking, it seems a distinct possibility that the fuel pump that was put on it (twice) (don't ask) was not the right one. Of course, she has to have a vehicle that the parts are different depending on what month in the year it was made, sheesh! We'll see. It might be a wiring thing instead, and if it is, then I'll probably sell that booger and get her something else. But again, we'll see.

But that meant that we're down to one vehicle, since my car is STILL in the shop and has been for months now. So we're taking daughter to work and running errands and then going to pick her up in son's truck. He also started a new job tonight, so it got even *more* complicated. And of course, the wheel bearing went out in it the other day, to the tune of $300. But it was fixed and after a new radiator cap, seems to be running fine. Knock on wood.

But all of those things have simply made life crazy. Daughter getting her senior portraits taken, then driving to pick up the CD with the pics on them (absolutely gorgeous, btw, and I know you have to take my word for it, but...do) took time away from Padrone. Their grandma coming to visit took time one evening. Having to take her to work early took time away. And being busy gathering up all of my stuff, typing an essay and a letter of intent (what *is* the accepted format for a letter of intent to apply to grad school, anyway?), and having 1000 things on my mind has taken attention away from Padrone.

And so tonight....

Tonight was special, but it really was nothing special. We simply "hung out" together. We joked, teased, I flirted, he mumbled....laughing and smiling and simply enjoying each other. It was absolutely wonderful. I often imagine being in the same room with him, sighing dramatically in a teasing way when he flips on a scifi movie, grinning up at him and grabbing a book so I can ignore the movie and still enjoy being with him. Nothing special, just being together.

That is how I envision our life together, moments in time. I even picture being irritable and feeling grumpy and not wanting to do what I'm expected to do, so I am not living in a fantasy world by any means. But let's face it, if we can fuss and fight like we do at times, and we live across the ocean from one another, can *anyone* believe that we wouldn't if we lived together?

I am just so fortunate to have a Master who not only wants me to improve my education, but who wants it knowing that it will keep me busy still. He understands that life isn't always going to allow me to wait for him online as he loves, and I do not take advantage of that understanding nature - although this week it has happened fairly often, it has been through no fault of my own. But tonight I was thinking, as I was waiting for him....now and then it makes me feel special...anticipating his entrance....the smile I would hope he would have...to know that he was there simply for me, no matter how social we may be with others....I am the reason he is there...he comes there to spend time with me...

And I melt.

Padrone, I don't always feel that way, of course. But I treasure the knowledge of who I am in your life, and I love when I see it in new and different ways. Thank you for teaching me to look for the ways you show your love for me, and not to look for ways I would show it. I adore you, my Padrone. I am yours.