I'm so happy

So i've been thinking. Surprise surprise. :)

It's been a few weeks since Padrone ended the punishment aspect of our relationship (for the most part, of course if i'm deliberately disobedient or rebellious that's a different story entirely, as it should be. I have felt surprisingly little guilt, although i do get hit with it now and then, it's mostly because i wasn't sure where Padrone's thoughts were on it more than anything else. So tonight i asked him - lol. He said "i'm alright" which didn't really give me anything more than that he is alright with it, so while i do feel better that he isn't resentful of what might be seen as a sacrifice at worst, or even a compromise i guess....i think i had hoped to hear that my more relaxed state of mind (which shows, i know because i asked *that* too! :D ) made him glad and that it was worth it to have me so happy and content and at peace. But i didn't hear that, which is cool....and Padrone is alright.

And i'm sure that little niggling thought will niggle its way back into the forefront of my mind at some point in time, but for now it doesn't matter at all. Padrone is alright with it, and i am...happy.

And, an unexpected result is that i am at peace. i have found myself not worrying so much over little things. And i didn't have a clue why until just a few minutes ago.

My personality is as a giver. I offer. I'm thoughtful. I try to anticipate needs and even desires, and work to meet them as best i can. And so now there is a different mindset for me, and it is just a little bit hard to explain.

What is expected of me hasn't changed. What has changed is the shift from....obedience or "else", to a simple "here's what I want you to do". He knows, he TRUSTS, that i will do all i can in order to give him what he wants from me. He finally has come to the place where he can accept that, without having unnatural consequences attached to my mistakes. He realizes that when i don't meet expectations, it is because of a mistake or unforeseen circumstances that prevent me from doing so. He knows that i am not deliberately disobedient, and so he has come to a place of being able to express that trust in my obedience, in my very nature, by dropping the punishment (mostly).

When i can't be online, i try very hard to let him know why. If i'm late, i try to give advance warning. It isn't always possible, like when i had company that just would not leave the other evening. It's rude to text in front of company so i had to use a trip to the kitchen for iced tea as a text-stop. But it was *after* i was supposed to be there already, and i hated that but...it was so nice to know that Padrone knew it was unavoidable.

And you know...it is the formal expression of that trust that has freed me from the worry, i think. i don't obsess about counting minutes or panic if i am late texting because i know that Padrone understands that it will happen now and then, and that i still text as much as i am supposed to (or more sometimes) even though i don't have to write lines anymore if i miss a text. Being released from the constant pressure of "do it or else" (Padrone is NOT a big bad guy, but if i feel as if my behavior is being judged, then imperfections are unacceptable to me, so the "or else" was HUGE in my mind)....that release has released at least a part of that perfectionism, which has shocked the STEW outta me, let me tell you!

It's like....i can express myself in my natural way, by offering what is most pleasing to Padrone....the reason for giving isn't to avoid consequences, it is given because Padrone wants it, plain and simple. The consequences weren't the driving force behind my obedience before, by any means, but the threat was always there. The constancy of that didn't allow me to focus on anything other than the tasks at hand...

And to think that all of this came about because i made a B on an assignment and laughed about it, rather than obsessing over it! That is SO not like me that i had to ponder why!

Now i can focus on the emotions, the submission, the intimacy that Padrone yearns for. I don't even have to focus on them, they are just there. And it is so wonderful.

I feel free, Padrone. Free to express all that I am, and all that you love so much about my submission....I am free to love and to submit and to serve and to please you ... more free than i have ever been before. i am free from the worry over the small things, free from the guilt when i wasn't perfect, free from the guilt i felt for resenting the threat of punishment, and free from at least a bit of the burden of perfectionism that i have carried with me for years.

I am free because you expressed trust in me, Padrone. You freed me with your knowledge that i will do as i am supposed to do simply because you trust who i am.

That, my Love, is an amazing statement, and one that i hope i never give you reason to regret. i love you, Padrone. And the gratitude that i feel for you, the joy, and peace in my heart ... i can never fully express. There are no words...other than thank you. And i am yours.