Good Times

Things are good. i am learning to relax, at least a little, within the confines of our relationship. i am happy, and i think Padrone is happy about that.

i don't *think* i have relaxed in terms of doing what he expects of me, though. i honestly think that i don't obsess about it so much, but i do what i'm supposed to do anyway. It is the lack of obsessing that has created a calmness inside me that i am truly enjoying. And i am also truly, deeply, grateful for Padrone's change of our dynamic.

i knew that it would make an impact on me, and on my way of expression my submission. But i never dreamed that it would be so *positive*. i don't feel guilty, although i do have moments of wondering if Padrone really wants these changes. But i eventually figure out (repeatedly, of course, since i don't seem to ever learn things the first time!) that if he didn't want it that way he would change it once more!

And so, i have shocked myself with the lack of guilt. i think it may have surprised Padrone as well. But truly, the pressure of performing, of living, to a standard of perfection or be punished for it, was likely the most stressful thing in a life filled with stress. And i honestly never realized it until just the past few months. i began to resent, and that is when i knew something needed adjustment. Of course, i assumed it was me! :)

And so, life is good in our relationship. In other news, i have to turn in my last paper in one class today, and finish a last project in the other one by Monday, and then i am finished for a couple of weeks. i am signed up for a minisession for half days for two weeks, beginning a week from Monday, but i don't know if i will have transportation or not. We'll see. If not, i'll just add another class over the summer, so it's really not a big deal in the scope of things.

And that's what is new in the life of this schiava.

Padrone, i don't know if my actions, my attitude, has revealed all of the things i talked about here, or not. i know i have told you of my gratitude, but i don't know if you can tell in other ways. i hope so. i hope that the emotions somehow show through even if my actions remain the same. i can't ever tell you enough just how much your willingness to look at what works and what doesn't, means to me....especially when you just say "it doesn't work, let's get rid of it", and it doesn't seem like a major big deal to you. i love you, more than i can ever say, my Padrone. i am yours.